Superstore (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 13 - Valentine's Day - full transcript

A well-intentioned Amy (America Ferrera) and Glenn (Mark McKinney) get caught up in the Valentine's Day spirit, quickly learning what happens when you try and force love. Meanwhile, Jonah (Ben Feldman) goes undercover to try and catch a serial shoplifter and ends up getting closer to her than Dina (Lauren Ash) would like; Mateo (Nico Santos) begins to unravel as Sandra's (recurring guest star Kaliko Kauahi) relationship with Jeff (recurring guest star Michael Bunin) takes a new turn. Colton Dunn and Nichole Bloom also star.

Attention shoppers.

It's Valentine's Day,
and love is in the air,

along with dust, pet dander,
and toxic mold spores,

so pick up a Supercloud air
purifier and convince yourself

it's making a difference,

which it's not, 'cause
it's just a fan.

- Excuse me, everyone.
- Dude.

You know what? I don't care.

Two Aprils ago, I was new here,

and someone special came
over to help me on register.

And, Lisa, you didn't
just bag groceries.



You bagged my heart.

Ooh, this is a bad idea.

Lisa Beth-Ann Donatella
Lopez-Fitzgerald,

if you'll make me the
luckiest man in St. Louis,

I'll show you the
time of your life.

♪ I've been waiting
for so long ♪

This makes me genuinely sad.

Flash mob proposals are so lame.

Except for the one
that Bo did for you.

- That was unique and very cool.
- Yeah.

Yeah, but flash mobs stopped
being cool, like, a year ago.

Yeah, they were
cool one year ago.

♪ Now with passion in our
eyes there's no way... ♪

Where's Lisa? We need Lisa.



Where the is Lisa?

She's in the bathroom.

Is it a quick bathroom
break or more

of a hunker-down-watch-
YouTube-videos situation?

Hard to say. Her body
language going in...

oh, wait, here...

♪ Just remember ♪

♪ You're the one thing ♪

Go back. Go back.
Places, places.

- Oh, God. Not again.
- Oh, wow.

Take two, dude.

Front of store on the left.

- Amy, Amy.
- Yeah.

Tell me, do you think
that Brett and Brittany

would be good together?

I mean, it feels like
there's chemistry there,

but it might just be
the alliteration.

- What, like, together-together?
- Yeah, yeah.

I don't know. Why?

'Cause I hired Miles and Lisa,
and now they're in love.

You know, so I thought maybe
there's some other sad singles

who'd like to get
bitten by Cupid.

An arrow. I think
Cupid has an arrow.

And he bites.

And I don't think that
it's a good idea to go

setting people up around work.

Are you down on love because
of your bad marriage?

No, I just don't think people
come here to find love.

It's like Christian
Mingle, but for everyone.

Oh! That is such a good idea.

Mm-hmm.

I'm sure it's her.

Well, there's definite
similarities.

Slightly different BMis,
but she could be on

one of those crash diets.

So what do we do next? Do we...
do we call the cops?

Do we bust her ourselves?

Easy, Cagney.

We have to catch her in the act.

Now, I'd have my
plainclothes guy tail her,

but Tuesday's his day off.

Ah, I wonder what he
wears on his day off.

Fancy clothes probably.

I could do it.

I've always wanted
to go undercover.

You?

Okay, yeah, you're
way underqualified.

What do you need
to be qualified?

You need to watch a video.

I could watch a video.

You could watch a video.

You guys, look what
Jeff just sent me.

"My precious treasure,

words cannot express
my love for you.

And I love seeing you naked,
because it's really good.

Love, Mr. Man."

Wow, Jeff sent you those.

Mm-hmm.

That's, like, a
hundred-dollar bouquet.

Yeah, or, like, 140.

Seems so weird he'd send you
a gift at work when your

relationship is
supposed to be secret.

I guess he really loves me, huh?

- Yeah.
- Hey, Heather.

Look what Jeff just sent me.

Oh, we need more tissue paper.

What's wrong with him?

Well, it's because of a reason that I...
I can't tell you.

Hmm, I actually
don't care, so...

Mateo's the one
dating Jeff, okay?

And Sandra is just making
it up to get attention.

So Sandra has a fake boyfriend,

she sent herself flowers,
and Mateo is dating Jeff?

Yeah.

This a quality Tuesday.

♪ Four, repeat steps
one through three ♪

♪ Five, make you fall
in love with me ♪

Oh!

Hello.

Welcome to Cloud 9.

And you must be the little
princess we've been expecting.

Right this way, Your Highness.

M...

Hey, Arthur, I might be
totally off base here,

but do you have a
crush on Myrtle?

Oh, no. I...

well, maybe just a little crush.

Oh, that's so sweet.

I like to imagine the two
of us together someday

- feeding the ducks...
- Ohh.

Watching the ducks.

It doesn't have to be ducks.

No. It can be ducks.

You're doing great.

Good, good, good.

Just keep thinking,
"Customer, customer."

I'm shopping as a customer."

- Okay, okay, thank you.
- All right.

Hey, Jonah.

Do you think Elias and Pauline
would be good together,

or am I just projecting
Laurel and Hardy?

I think you have me
confused with someone else.

Oh, wow. I'm... I'm so sorry.

I... you look exactly like
someone who works here.

I'm so sorry.

Wow, it's uncanny.

And Bo's parents
are out of town,

so everyone's just
gonna get waa-sted.

What about you? Any hot
Valentine's Day plans?

No, probably sit in the
park, feed the ducks.

Ohh, that's so old person.

You can come if you want, but
it's bring your own nitrous.

Hey, Myrtle, do
you date anymore?

No, but if you
know someone nice,

set me up.

He doesn't even
have to be white.

♪ Girl it's plain to see ♪

♪ That you're the
only one for me ♪

Arthur, we're switching
things up a bit today.

I'm gonna have you tackle
Womenswear with Myrtle,

and Cheyenne here is
gonna take your post.

You want me to be a greeter?

I'm not trained in that.

You'll be fine. I
believe in you.

Hello. Welcome to Cloud 9.

Ooh, yeah, I nailed that.

Come on, you two.
Talk to each other.

It's not like either one of
you have that much time left.

Hey. Oh, what is Arthur
doing in Womenswear?

He's confused again.

- I'll go fix it.
- No, no.

No, Glenn, I put him there.

Why?

You know, just to mix things up,

give people an opportunity to
work with other people and...

Oh, I see.

It's wrong when I try
to do matchmaking,

but you get to whip
out the fangs, huh?

- What fangs?
- Cupid's fangs.

Glenn, again, an arrow.
Never mind.

Look, this is different.

They're really perfect
for each other.

They are. They're both old.

Yeah, and there's, like,
this whole duck thing,

but mostly they're old.

Why aren't they talking
to each other?

I don't know. He's really shy.

It's like they need
a bigger push.

Yeah. Oh, hey, you see that guy?

You think that's Jonah, right?

It's not.

This is so embarrassing.

I always tell him, "Jeff,
you're gift enough for me,"

but he won't listen.

I'm not much of a romantic,
but this is special stuff.

Whatever.

Do you know how many babies choke
on balloons and die every year?

I don't know, but it
seems like a few would.

I'm just happy for Sandra.

I mean, can you imagine what
it's like to have what she has?

I mean, just to have a connection
like that with someone.

I bet Jeff just loves it.

30. 30 babies die.

- Oh!
- Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Ah, are you okay?

Oh, yeah, no, happens
all the time.

Someone flies a
drone into my head.

Are you sure? 'Cause I can give
you a ride to the hospital.

No way. I've seen how you drive.

Well, I... I mean, I'm better with the...
the four wheels.

Yeah, I'd hope so.

This is why people
hate Valentine's Day,

you know, drone strikes.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

Oh, welcome to Cloud 9.

Welcome to Cloud 9.

Cloud 9 welcomes you.

♪ God must have spent ♪

♪ A little more time on you ♪

♪ On you ♪

That's right, chat her up.

Just a normal person having
a normal conversation.

Speak, listen, speak, listen.

Ooh, look at him
getting some on V-Day.

What are you talking about?

He is undercover.

He's just building a
rapport with the suspect.

I mean, that's why they're
talking and laughing so much,

standing so close.

He just touched her
elbow with his hand.

- Anyway, do you want to...
- Huh.

- She's late, like...
- There she is.

Hey, Myrtle. Break
time already, huh?

Uh-huh.

I love break time, great
time to kick back

and see what's in the
old locker, huh?

Wh... what you got there?

I don't think this is my locker.

Yeah, it is.

It just looks like someone left
you some flowers and chocolates

and a duck.

Wow. Who's it from?

Well, look. Look for a card.

Just look around. Look...

look under that sweater.

No, not your sweater.
He's not a magician.

It's from Arthur.

- Oh.
- Ohh.

That's so sweet of him.
That's so nice.

♪ And he rocks in the
tree tops all day long ♪

Ohh.

You don't have to cry, sweetie.

He won't leave me alone.

Why won't he leave me alone?

Aah!

♪ Go Rockin' Robin ♪

♪ 'Cause we're really
gonna rock tonight ♪

So Myrtle has filed sexual
harassment complaints against

Arthur as well as
the two of you.

That's crazy.

We didn't harass her.

She's alleging that you used
your positions of authority to

force her to work with an
employee in hopes of engaging

in a physical
relationship with him.

And she also claims you
broke into her locker.

Now, what's your
side of the story?

Um, factually similar.

Yeah, but you can prove
anything with facts.

I mean, Darwin...

She goes on to say that he made
lewd and profane comments.

Arthur? He's so sweet.

We had no idea what
he was saying to her.

The security cameras
don't have sound.

I'm sorry, are you saying
that you were spying

on them as well?

No, spying makes it sound like

we were trying to
get information.

We were just watching them
for our own pleasure.

Stop talking, Glenn.

Welcome to Cloud 9.

Welcome to Cloud 9.

Hey, it's Cloud 9 up in here.

Jeff got her a watch.

I would have liked a watch.

But she sent it to herself.

Yeah, I know she
sent it to herself.

I'm not stupid.

You know, it's just sad that
she feels the need to...

White gold?

Oh, my God. That's her favorite.

It's like he knows
exactly what she wants.

Ohh.

I thought space camp was
just gonna be all moon rocks

and astronaut ice cream,
but it was basically

just a bunch of science classes.

But still, I'm... that's...
I'm so jealous of that.

- Really?
- Yes, it's incredible.

Meanwhile, according to the
absurd amount of decorations

in this store, I guess
it's Valentine's Day.

- Oh.
- Did you...

did you see any of this?

No, I hadn't noticed.

So do you... do you
have any plans or...

Actually, yeah, I'm going to an
MMA fight with my boyfriend.

Yeah, he's that muscly
guy right over there.

Oh.

- Oh, I didn't...
- So gullible!

- I am gullible.
- Yes.

So are you... are you free or...

Yeah, I'm free.

She's not the shoplifter.

Really? Because you were
so certain of it earlier.

I mean, you had that
dance-y energy you get.

Oh, no, no, no. That was just...

I had an extra shot in my
cold brew this morning.

But seeing her up close,
the chin, the nose,

that's a different person.

Huh, well,

I can't think of any reason
why you'd want to lie.

So I guess you're
officially off the case.

Thank you for your service.

It was an honor and a pleasure.

Attention shoppers.

We just received a
song dedication.

This one goes out to
"Sandra, my one and only."

"Happy Valentine's Day, Boo.

Love, your Mr. Man."

♪ Sitting here ♪

♪ In this chair ♪



Hi, Myrtle.

Look, I just... I want
to say I'm sorry.

I was totally out of line.

He was saying such filth, how
much he liked my sweater.

Oh, well, is that
really that bad?

He meant he liked what's
under my sweater.

Okay, maybe, but maybe...
I don't know...

it is possible that you
misunderstood what he said or...

Oh, blame the victim.

She's blaming the victim!

No, no, no, no.

I'm not blaming anyone.

I'm just saying that maybe
he wasn't harassing you.

It is a very nice sweater.

It shouldn't matter
what she's wearing.

I'm sorry. Who asked
you to get involved?

Sexual harassment
involves us all.

Okay, this isn't sexual...

okay, I was just trying
to set her up for a date.

Intent is irrelevant.

Seriously, who are you people?

Oh, we're not together.

Oh, oh, 'cause a woman couldn't
possible be out on her

own without a big, strong man,
'cause then she'd be a slut!

Okay, none of you
know the story.

She asked me to set her
up, so I set her up.

She was asking me for it.

She asked for it.

Sexual harassment.

At what point is
it inappropriate?

Harassment is always wrong.

If it starts in the break room,

it shouldn't end in the bedroom.

He's totally thinking about
boning Sandra right now.

No, he's not.

And fewer lawsuits equals
more revenue for Cloud 9,

which benefits all of us.

I'm sorry for making you
uncomfortable, Michelle.

Does anybody have any questions?

No, I think we're all set here.

Well, you can't take love
out of the workplace.

Oh, God, kill me now.

What about Miles and Lisa?

If it was up to you, they never
would have gotten together.

And then the children they're gonna
have would never have been born.

Oh, we're... we're
not having kids.

- What?
- No one is saying

you can't ever date
somebody you work with.

Just be careful not to
make unwanted advances.

So you can't ask someone out
unless you know they like you?

But then you don't know
if someone likes you

unless you ask them out, so
that's, like, a Catch-22.

Whoa, well done.

Oh, I've been studying
for the SATs.

It's been a very
extrapolatory experience.

Okay, what we need
is a database.

Everybody write down all the
employees you're attracted to.

Totally confidential.

I will compile a
spreadsheet of any matches

and post it above the microwave.

Nope, we're not doing that.

Let's just say that if
you ask somebody out,

and they say no, move on.

What if she just says no

because she has
plans that night?

Can you ask her out again
for a different night?

Umm. I guess. I mean, it depends.
Does she really have plans,

or is she politely telling
you she's not interested?

- Which one is it, Sarah?
- It's the second one.

Whatever.

I was just asking
as a joke anyway.

Without kids, what's
the point of life?

I can't believe you'd
want to bring someone

into this crazy world.

Sometimes people do
change their minds.

I mean, I met Jerusha
when we were both working

at my father's hardware store.

I asked her out every
day for a year,

and then she said yes.

Aww.

- Yes.
- Okay, actually,

that's called a systemic
pattern of hostility.

It's, like, the number
one thing you can't do.

I got a question.

The actress in the video,
does she get paid per video,

or is it more of a flat rate for
the whole day kind of thing?

My guess is flat rate.

Can ignoring someone
you're dating

be considered harassment?

- I don't think so.
- Of course you don't.

I'm... I'm just not
explaining it right.

I wasn't harassing her.

She agreed to go out with me
because my father threatened

to fire her if she didn't.

Myrtle, I'm so sorry.

It was wrong to harass
you, and if you want,

I will quit right now.

- No, no, no.
- Yes, quit.

Arthur is a lovely guy.

He was just trying
to compliment you.

That's all it is!

I like your sweater, and
I think you're pretty.

- Ohh.
- And I love how your sweater

cleaves tight against
your breasts.

- Arthur, no.
- Gross, dude.

She's, like, 100.

Okay, this is actually
making things worse.

It's not always harassment.

I mean, Jerusha and
I got married.

Oh, so it's not harassment
if you marry them?

Oh, God, what have I done?

They're like two little
robin's eggs all bundled up

in a bird's nest.

- Stop.
- Found her on IMDB.

She was on "NCIS." She
played "Lady in Pool."

Acting life is tough.

♪ All I want to do is
make love to you ♪

♪ I've got lovin' arms to... ♪

So right in here is where
I saw the feces swastika.

Okay.

Happy Valentine's Day, baby.

Mm, yeah, you too.

Oh, all right, well,
there you go.

Oh, you didn't have
to get me anything.

- It's a keychain.
- Thank you.

'Cause you're always
losing your keys.

Ahh, what a small, thoughtful...
small gift.

Are you angry at me?

'Cause I'm not ignoring you.

I just don't think everybody
at work needs to know

you're my boyfriend.

Boyfriend?

Yeah.

I'm your boyfriend?

Yeah.

Oh, you've never
called me that before.

Boyfriend is way better
than the keychain.

So what did you get me?

I'm sorry. I've been dealing
with a lot of drama today.

Oh, okay. Yeah, no,
that's all right.

- Yeah.
- Sure.

Sure, so...

Anyway, I was convinced that
I was gonna be the president

of the thespians, but
then Steve Luber got it.

- What?
- And he was in, like,

three plays.

Hey, sweetheart.

Did you get what I sent you in
for, or did you get distracted?

Men, right?

Hey, wh... who...

Look, Tyler and Megan
are in the car.

- Oh, you're married?
- No, no, no, no, no.

Those are not my kids.

Those are your kids
with your boyfriend.

How dare you!

You are the closest thing those
kids have had to a father

since he died at war.

Fighting for the other side,
and we are not married!

I never signed any
divorce papers!

You don't remember
you signed them

because of your
drinking problem!

I drink because of you!

You don't...

great, now she's gone.

Why would you do that?

You put your personal libido
in front of busting a thief.

She's not a thief!

She... oh, my God.
My wallet's gone.

- There you go.
- Oh, wait, no, no.

It's in the other pocket.

My chiropractor told
me to switch it up.

Jerusha, our whole marriage

is based on a sex crime.

No, no, no, you only
think you love me.

You were my victim!

Ooh, he got her puppies too?

I'm not a big Valentine's Day
guy, but Jeff and Sandra are...

Jandra.

We should call them Jandra.

Puppies!

Hi!

Ohh!

Why does everybody want to Jeff?

Oh, hey, if you've got plans
tonight, you can head out.

I'm fine to finish this up.

No, I'm good.

No plans for me.

Yeah, me neither.

Oh!

Wow, you are not messing around.



Aah!

Yah!

Aah!

What is wrong with you?

Ugh! Coconut.

I got caramel.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

Happy Valentine's
Day, by the way.

Oh, yeah.

Happy Valentine's Day.