Superstore (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Magazine Profile - full transcript

Attention.

Attention!

Okay, everybody look
over at me now.

Okay, that's as loud as
my voice goes, so I'm...

I'm not sure what to do here.

I would definitely kill a wolf.

Oh, oh, oh. Okay. Okay.

Today is a, uh,
very exciting day,

because "Stratus" is doing
a profile on our store.

Yeah, ooh!

Oh, yeah!



What's "Stratus"?

Um, only our internal
corporate magazine!

"Magazine" isn't
exactly accurate.

It's more like
misleading propaganda.

No, it's not!

"Minimum wage is maximum fun!"

It is!

"Work it Off: A Guide to
Injuries on the Job."

Oh, that is a super fun read.

Ooh, there's a
jingle-writing contest.

Bo could enter that.

If he won, he could stop
dancing for his mom's friends.

It's my responsibility to
show the reporter around,

so, please, let's put our
best foot forward, okay?



Cheyenne, that means
no falling asleep

in the bedding department.

I get tired, Glenn.
I'm pregnant.

Not today, you're not!

Okay.

Uh, oh, and Sal,
I'm gonna need you

to take the creepiness
down to about a two, okay?

Garrett, um, I love
those nicknames

you come up with for me,

but, uh, some people might
see them as insulting,

so why don't you just get
'em out of your system now?

Glennda, G-Nothing,

Glenngarry Glenn Loss,

Glennema,

Glenntil Soup,

TransGlennder.

Oh, that's a new one.

You got to keep this
reporter away from me.

I hate reporters.

My school paper once
misidentified me

as a scoliosis victim.

I mean, the joke is, my
spine is perfect, okay?

I can bench 160.

165 in the right situation.

Okay!

Let's get out there and
have a newsworthy day.

Do it for the old, uh...

G-Spot!

See?

You're not the only one
who's good at nicknames.

♪♪

If you see the reporter
show up today,

please let me know
so I can hide.

I do not want them to
put me on the cover.

That's pretty cocky.

Oh, it's not ego.

These corporate magazines love

putting employees with
disabilities on the cover.

Look.

Wow.

You were not kidding.

And they really gonna
come after me,

especially with Face
Birthmark Tony on vacation.

Yeah, I'll bet, and getting
a black guy in a wheelchair

on the cover would be like
their Holy Grail or something.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You trying to say being
black's a disability?

- Oh, no. No, no, no.
- Huh?

Now, that's... no.
No, of course, no.

I... I have lots of... What?

- I listen to Drake. I...
- Drake?

No, no, no. I watch BET...
sometimes.

- I'm messing with you, dude.
- Okay.

Good. Thank God.

I've never watched BET.

Yeah, me either, man.

'Sup, fool?

Nice.

Why are you dressed like

you're going undercover
at a high school?

Oh.

Well, it looked cool on him.

With the reporter coming...

I know I'm not the most
exciting person in the world,

so I thought I'd jazz
myself up a bit.

Come on, Glenn.

You're an exciting guy.

You remember that time when, um,

you know, uh...

you know.

Thanks for trying.

Glenn, "Stratus" is just
a stupid corporate rag.

Nobody reads that.

I mean, maybe if the
break room TV is broken

and I'm locked out
of Candy Crush.

I know that,

but for once, it'd be
nice to be the star.

I mean, I... I know I'm
never gonna be Madonna,

but, for one day, it'd
be nice not to be Glenn,

but to be... Glenn.

Hey, I need you to help
me give Glenn a makeover.

Which one of us was
she talking to?

Whichever one of you
uses moisturizer.

You know, I have to say, almost
everything works on him.

I guess that's the one benefit

of having a face
with zero character.

Thank you, Mateo.

You look good, Glenn.

Just remember to
maintain eye contact,

give a good, firm handshake...

Give compliments, and
try to make some jokes.

And smile a lot.

You'll be fine.

Umm... hmm.

Do you have something
you'd like to say, Jonah?

A reporter doesn't care
about how you look.

They want to hear
your big ideas.

Ideas?

Okay. You know what?

It's not "The New Yorker."

It's "Stratus."

They just want some nice photos

and a quote saying how
great it is to work here.

Jonah, I think Amy's right.

I'm just gonna stick
with a firm handshake

and an enthusiastic "Howdy-do!"

Exactly.

But don't say "howdy-do."

Rodger dodger.

♪ Cloud 9, Cloud 9 ♪

♪ You better come inside ♪

♪ Because it's hell outside ♪

♪ I don't play by the rules ♪

♪ Sending tanks to our schools ♪

♪ Immigration, deportation ♪

♪ Kneel, dog ♪

♪ Rock the vote ♪

♪ Fracking ♪

♪ Campaign finance
reform, bitches! ♪

♪ Pew-pew-pew ♪

What's up?

That felt pretty good, right?

That was great.

A lot of fun stuff in there...

Yeah.

And I really love the
world of this rap.

I just had, like, one thought.

Okay.

Not that I know anything,

but it's a little bit, maybe, too...
political.

I just can't think of any
other corporate jingles

that say, "God is
a black woman."

Well, yeah.

That's what makes
it original, yo.

Mm-hmm.

I just think toning it down
might give us a better shot.

We need money for the baby.

Now, don't think of
it as "selling out."

Think of it as "cashing in."

That's why you're my manager.

- Glenn.
- Mm?

- Don't slump.
- Yeah.

Accentuate your silhouette.

Hand on hip, shoulders back,
look down on the world.

Oh, she's here.

Hey.

Here's the deal, reporter.

You're in my house now.

You see those security cameras?

I will have eyes on you...

at all times.

You understand what that means?

Yeah, no. I got it.

Oh.

Hi. I'm from "Stratus."

Yeah, I'm... I...

I'm sorry. I didn't
catch your name.

I'm sorry. You...

- How about you just...
- I'm sorry. You...

- Okay, you talk.
- Okay, you talk. You talk.

- You talk. You talk.
- Mm.

Hi.

I'm Amy. Hi.

Welcome to the store.

We're so glad to have
you here, Cynthia.

Big fans of "Stratus."

This is our store manager,
um, Glenn Sturgis.

Hello. Welcome to meeting me.

Oh.

Oh.

You're a pretty little
kitty, aren't you?

What?

Um, how about we start the tour?

- Yeah.
- Yes.

If you'll follow me, please.
Right this way.

- Smile.
- What was that?

Oh, smile!

Oh, I wondered why...

Hey!

And, as I described to you
in the other three aisles,

these are standard fluorescent
lights powered by...

Wowzers, Glenn.
That's a great quote.

Let's maybe move on from
the lights now, okay?

- How's he doing?
- Not so good.

Between the fluorescent
lights is standard ceiling.

Okay, so I know
what's in the store

'cause they're... pretty
much all identical,

so can you tell me just something...
interesting?

Hmm?

Why don't you tell her about
one of your big ideas?

- Huh?
- Okay. What big ideas?

Yeah. What big ideas?

Your idea to revamp the store.

Shake things up a little bit.

This guy, he doesn't want

to just organize the
store by product type.

He wants to organize the
store by lifestyle.

There would be an aisle
for single moms,.

There would be an
aisle for veterans.

That's actually...

pretty cool.

Oh, uh, yeah.

No, Glenn has...

all kinds of great ideas
just like that one.

You do?

Yes, I do.

Here's another one.

Framples!

Instead of saying,
"free samples,"

we should just say, "framples."

That's a good idea.

- Yes.
- You should write that one down.

No, I'm good.

Well, I mean, it's
not a bad idea.

Wait, I have another one!

"Shart."

For "shopping cart."

- Eh?
- Mm.

Yep.

I mean, you could also
have a green aisle

put organic foods next to environmentally
friendly home products...

I love that.

Now, how do you spell your name?

Oh, um, J-O-N...

Oh. Uh, yeah.

Honestly, I was
just piggybacking

off of Glenn's idea.

Mm. Creative and humble.

You're like... a
regular Tom Hanks.

- Hey, Cynthia.
- Yeah.

Maybe you'd like to
come see my office.

It's pretty wild.

I have a calendar in
there of normal dogs.

Okay. That's great, Brian.

But I'm talking to
Jonah right now.

So where'd you go to school?
Oh...

She doesn't even
remember my name.

♪♪

Hi.

Would you like to take a picture
for "Stratus" magazine?

That sound fun?

Hey!

What are you, deaf?

Oh, my God. He's deaf!

Here you go.

Have another "frample."

Wow.

See how that just
rolled off the tongue?

Thanks, Amy.

Why are you here?

Because this is where
the losers sit.

Hey...

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Please, enjoy your individual
pepperoni pizza, okay?

Glenn, I... I'm just
trying to help you.

If you come back over with me,
I'll hand her off to you.

It's no use!

I don't have style or substance.

Hey, maybe that's why iPhones

never recognize my
face as a face.

Glenn, you're being
hard on yourself.

I've been here 20 years.

You've been here two weeks,

and you already have
better ideas than me.

Glenn, that is not it.

Honestly...

I think that lady just
has a crush on Jonah.

She's interested in him
because he's cute,

not because of his bad ideas.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You think I'm cute?

No!

I do not think you're cute.

I think you look like
a person who is cute.

Wait; do you really
think that's it?

That she's just
attracted to him?

- No!
- Yes!

Yes.

You know, that kind
of makes sense.

I mean, I can't compete
with these geisha features.

He looks like a panda and a
Disney princess had a baby.

Thank you, Glenn, but I...
I do think it also might

have something to
do with my ideas.

Aww.

Da wittle panda finks
he fought of somefing.

Okay.

That's a little much.

Look, now the panda's
feeling sad!

Aw, sad wittle panda!

Aw, that's adorable.

Tried to help.

- Aw, panda!
- Sad panda...

Aww, don't fwink we
don't fwike you.

♪ Cloud 9, come inside ♪

♪ Society's a mirage
and sex is a prison ♪

Uhh!

Yeah, what do you
think about that?

I absolutely love
the first half.

I'm just not sure about
the second line.

Are you serious?

We've cut so much out.

That's the only part
left I even like.

But the first line's
just a little bit more

like a jingle, you know?

It's catchy.

Catchy?

Nah, na-na-na-na-nah. Okay?

That's not what my
music's about, yo.

It's been described
as a lot of things,

like edgy, dangerous,
terrible, but never catchy!

That's not how I am.

Forget this. I quit.

I'm out of here. Uhh.

Hey, look, okay?

I get it. You don't
want to sell out.

That stinks.

But a lot of this situation
we are in stinks.

You think I want to be
wearing maternity clothes

to high school, even
though I make it work,

and I still look really cute?

We have someone else
to think about now.

Want to chug these cream sodas
like two really good bros?

Ah, no thanks, Sal.

Maybe I can get some
eggnog from up front.

When you chug that, it feels
like you're drowning.

- Oh, there you are.
- Oh!

You ran off halfway
through the tour.

Yeah, I had to finish
some stuff back here.

Uh, hey, listen.

You should really talk to Glenn.

I know he's kind of awkward,

but he's, like, the heart
and soul of this place.

Maybe you could show
me around back here.

- Oh, back here?
- Yeah.

There's not really
much to see back here.

There's a water stain in the
shape of a crescent moon, so...

um, I Instagrammed it.

It's, uh, got seven likes.

You're cute.

You're cute.

You're like a Jewish Kennedy.

That's so... specific.

Um, but...

I'm not just cute, right?

Like I... I'm not just
style over substance...

Does it matter?

It should.

But you're really pretty,
and you smell like a pear.

Hey, uh, can I ask
you a question?

Yeah, sure. What's going on?

Uh, which of these headphones
would you recommend?

Personally, I like those.

They got Bluetooth
technology, which is great.

Hey. What's up with that?

Oh, I'm sorry.

This has nothing to do with you.

I'm just making this gesture

to make sure any photo
of me is unusable.

♪♪

- Hey.
- Hey!

Hey. Hey. Ha-hah!

About before...

I was just trying
to cheer Glenn up,

but I should not have said that
the reporter was only interested

in your ideas because she
was attracted to you.

So...

I am sorry.

Don't worry about it.

But for the record,

if someone had said that
to you, as a woman,

you probably wouldn't
have been cool with it.

Yeah, I know. That's wh...

Don't worry about it. It's done!

Teachable moment.

Uh, you know, if the
roles were reversed...

Oh, okay. Nope, sure.

Attention, Cloud 9 employees:

emergency meeting
in the break room.

Now!

I'm sorry to interrupt
all of your days,

but I think this
would be a good time

for me to go over
Cloud 9's policy

on inappropriate sexual
behavior in the workplace.

Oh...

You said this was an emergency!

I know what I said.

I was peeing!

I had to cut myself off.

It's very uncomfortable.

Now, before I start
this seminar,

does anyone have something
they'd like to say?

Okay, fine.

Sal and I are having sex
in the dressing rooms.

Ugh.

I don't even like him.

I have self-esteem issues,

and I think being with him is
a way of me punishing myself.

It's messed up.

Shut up, Sandra.

God, you are such a whiner.
Sit down.

Anyone else?

Okay.

Well, then without further
ado, please watch this video

on inappropriate sexual
behavior in the workplace.

Oh, my.

Okay!

- Jonah!
- Well, well, well.

Oh, my goodness.

My boy! That is my boy!

Ugh! I just ate!

Is that how people
really kiss now?

I think we've seen enough.

Why would anybody be
attracted to Jonah?

He looks like a
villain on the CW.

Uh, maybe it's
because she thought

all of his brilliant ideas
were inside his mouth,

so she had to, like, get
in there with her tongue

and suck 'em out.

- Mm-aww, aww!
- Oh, my God.

You will spread your
legs for anyone

who will write a story
about you, won't you?

- That has nothing to do...
- Jonah.

There's about 50 store rules

broken on that tape.

- I know.
- It is disgusting.

I'm sorry.

And there's just one
thing left to say.

You're...

safe now.

Bring it in.

Wow.

You fit right in there
perfectly, don't you?

You've been sexually assaulted.

- What?
- And...

I was hoping you
could start to heal

by admitting that here
in a safe place, but...

No, no, that's not... no.

You are obviously very ashamed.

No. No, no.

Hey.

You didn't do anything wrong.

I wasn't assaulted.

It wasn't an assault. It was...

- Both of us wanted...
- See?

- That's what happens.
- No, it was...

The person thinks
it's their fault.

It's called slut-shaming.

No, he's a victim.

You're the only slut
in here, Sandra.

Maybe we should all just
stop talking about this.

No.

Or we could play it again

and then do the voices of
what they're thinking.

- Mm-hmm.
- Great.

Sorry ev... Nope.

Let's all give Jonah a round
of applause, everybody.

He's had a hard day.

No. No, that's not...

Bravo!

Drink it in.

Sorry about the rape, dude.

I guess my philosophy of
life is "dare to dream..."

No...

But also dream to dare.

But also daring to not...

Okay, so the article
that I'm writing

is about the store in general
and not any one individual.

Oh. Okay.

Well, if you do decide to
write an article about me,

I'll be in the
stockroom, waiting.

I'm willing to do
whatever it takes.

Ugh, God.

Oh, God.

You are a journalist
and a rapist,

and those are the two worst
things any person can be.

Now, listen up, Connie Chung.

If you set foot in this store...

ever again...

I will bring hell down on you.

Let's go.

Hey!

Thank you so much
for coming today.

Oh, you're welcome.

You know, you never actually
got a picture of me.

- Oh, darn.
- Uh, but, I'm free now.

Are people still
saying "cheese"?

- Uh...
- 'Cause, I don't want to...

Yeah, you know, I wish I could,

but this camera only
holds 5 million photos.

- Oh.
- Thanks, though.

Hold up.

You haven't gotten a
picture of me yet.

Oh.

Why don't we get one
with my boy Glenn?

Yeah. Terrific.

- Yeah?
- All right.

Yeah. All right.

Hey, reporter!

Will you listen to a song
for the jingle contest?

I'd love to.

That's why I went to
journalism school.

♪ Cloud 9, come inside ♪

♪ Let the savings
rain down on you ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

That's... actually
surprisingly not terrible.

Really?

Oh, my God, Bo. She loves it.

I'm psyched.

Yeah, it's good.
It's a catchy tune.

Catchy?

Thanks.

You know what?

Forget about it.

Bo is the man that I love,

and I won't watch him
give up who he is,

even if it means losing
millions of dollars.

Millions of dollars?

Yeah. You can keep
your stupid money.

Okay, just to be clear,

the prize is a $10
Cloud 9 gift card.

You heard her.

Don't be trying to
suck us back in

with your fancy-ass
lawyer words.

Here's what I think about
that contract right here.

Ohh!

Rip, rip, double rip.

That's not a contract.

That was the directions
to my hotel.

Whatever, illuminati.

♪♪

Hey, Stud.

Hey, listen.

For the record...

It is none of my business.

It was just two consenting
adults making out...

next to 80 bags of kitty litter.

But I'm not judging you.

So are you leaving, or...

Just waiting for my ride.

Hey. Let's go.

My hotel's right
around the corner.

Wow.

So you guys have, like,
more ideas to talk about.

Uh, no, no.

It's like you said: I'm
just really, really, cute.

That's not what I said.

Like a panda.

The new issue of
"Stratus" is here.

Oh, God.

I'm so excited.

Hot off the press.

I made the cover.

I made the cover!