Superstore (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 11 - Labor - full transcript

Am I looking weak to you?

"Hey, Garrett,

how was your day?"

That's how normal people
start a conversation.

When I was management,
I had power.

Why did I give that up?

We were number one
in shrink reduction

and last in employee
satisfaction.

I did that.

Now the world just seems
dull or something.

Guys?



Okay. Time to go
to the hospital?

I don't think I'm gonna
make it to the hospital.

I think I'm having
this baby here.

Okay. We need towels.

Someone run to the store
and buy some towels!

No, wait! We're a store!

- Get some towels!
- On it.

You're not gonna have
the baby in the store.

You have plenty of time, Chey.

And it could be false labor.

You know? That's called a
Braxton Hicks contraction.

This baby is not gonna
be born in Cloud 9.

Maybe it's Braxton Hicks.

Okay, we get it. You know
the term Braxton Hicks.



We're all very impressed.

No, I'm having this baby here.

Okay, this is it!

This is happening!

I feel nothing.

Attention, shoppers.

Is there a doctor in the...

Who am I kidding?
This is Cloud 9.

Anybody here watched a
lot of "Grey's Anatomy?"

Maybe "Nurse Jackie"?

Not "The Knick."

Towels. Towels. Towels.

Oh.

Move! Pharmacist coming through.

Step aside. I need room.

All right, Cheyenne.

I need you to listen to me here,
and we will get through this.

Now, in the last 24 hours,

have you taken any medication
I need to know about.

Just some Tums.

Calcium carbonate. That's fine.

It's not gonna harm the baby.

All right.

Okay, yeah. That's it?

Well, yeah.

I'm a pharmacist.

I don't know how
to deliver a baby.

Gross.

But, um, good luck.

My training kicked in.

You're welcome, everyone.

Okay, that's good.

If the contractions are longer,
that means you're in...

it's called active labor, so I
guess you're in active labor.

I'm gonna go get some stuff.

Okay, look. I took part
in a cow birth once.

The calf died, but I
learned what not to do.

No, no, no, no.

Ah, no. Yes.

Will we need cotton balls?

I'll get cotton balls.

No, no.

Ooh, yes.

Cheyenne, I want
you to wait until

you have an uncontrollable
urge to push, okay?

And then, you're gonna bear
down with all your strength

for ten seconds at a time, okay?

I can't believe you know
how to handle this.

Well, I played the abortion
doctor in a Hell house once.

- Oh, cool.
- If it helps,

I'm a trained midwife.

- Garrett, you're filming this?
- Yeah, for Bo.

- I figured he'd want to see it.
- All right.

Can everyone else back up?

This is a private moment.

You're doing great.

- I'm right here.
- Excuse me, miss.

What's the difference between
a sunblock and a sunscreen?

This is it! The baby's coming!

All right. That's nice.

I like that. I like that.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, this is it, guys.

It's coming. This is the moment.

Oh, um...

The contractions stopped.

- Oh.
- That's, um... huh.

Braxton Hicks, I guess.
It's false labor.

I guess it should put
on my pants now.

♪♪

The company's targeted maneuvers

are also a direct
reflection of its mission.

It reads, "Cloud 9's mission
statement is a lower price point"

"creates a..." Okay, I'm sorry.

Cheyenne? You okay?

I'm fine.

I just...

The baby's compressing
my lungs...

And making it really hard for
me to just take a full breath.

- But I'm okay.
- No, you're not okay.

You almost gave
birth to your child

in the store yesterday.

Yeah, dude, I wish
I had an excuse

this good to ditch work.

I can't go home.

I need the hours, you know?

For this little girl.

Oh!

- Did it kick?
- No, I just...

I touch myself here and it
makes me pee a little bit.

- Oh.
- This is ridiculous.

She shouldn't have to kill
herself just to have a baby.

Did you guys know that in every
other first-world nation,

paid maternity leave
is just automatic?

Whoa, no, no, you are not

gonna forward us
another article.

Oh! Oh, that was a big one.

These meetings are
worse from up here.

Each of us would officially
take a sick day,

but we'd still come in,

and we'd clock in as Cheyenne,

so that she can take the day
off, but still get paid.

Right.

And she can just
pay us back later?

Cloud 9 made over a billion
dollars last year.

Why don't we just ask them
to pay for maternity leave?

Oh, you want to just call
corporate and ask them?

That sounds easy.

It's worth a shot, isn't it?

I mean, what's the worst
they can do, say no?

Employee services.

Hi, this is Amy Dubanowski
from Store 1217.

We have an employee here
who's about to have a baby,

and I was wondering if
maybe we could get her

some paid maternity leave.

I'm sorry, we don't offer
paid maternity leave.

Don't just give up.

Well, some of us

were wondering if you
could change that policy,

because we really want it.

Um, that's just not
something we offer.

Okay, but is it,
like, a conversation

you guys are having?

Because I know other big
companies do offer it.

Typically, their employees
would be in unions.

Transferring now. Please hold.

What are you doing?

Why would you say that?

- Say what?
- Hi there, Amy.

This is Jeremy, vice president
of employee relations.

Hi. I don't know exactly...

Do me a solid and hang
tight for one second, Aim.

- What's happening?
- I don't know.

Please hold for Greg.

Who's Greg? Why are
we getting Greg?

- Go for Greg.
- Hey, it's Jeremy.

I've got Rebecca from legal
and Amy from Store 1217,

where we've got
that union problem.

- Oh, no! No.
- No.

We were talking about
maternity leave

and somebody very annoying
mentioned the word "union."

Whoa, let's just all calm
down, take a breath,

step back from the ledge.

No, no, no, no.

No, there's no ledge.

- Nobody's talking about unions.
- No way.

And nobody's going on strike.

Please hold.

Yeah, hi. Okay,
you've got Howard,

Sue, Cheryl, Keith, Guillermo...

- That's so many people.
- Renee, and Alan here.

All: Hello.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Okay, hang tight
down there, 1217.

We're sending
someone down to you

first thing tomorrow morning.

- No.
- Good stuff?

No, no, no, no, wait, wait.

You don't have to do that.

- All: Bye.
- Amazing talk.

Wow.

How did I not know your
last name is Dubanowski?

Morning, everyone.
Grab some coffee.

Help yourself to
a doughnut hole.

You see what's going
on here, right?

Corporate smells trouble,
so they send in a shark.

A big, swinging wiener.

Have him swing his
wiener around a little.

Give us a slap on the wrist.

A little rap on the knuckles
from a big, swinging wiener.

This is gonna be a long day.

Yeah.

Hello, 1217.

My name is Steve.

Does anyone here know who I am?

- I know. A union buster.
- Good one.

I'm gonna remember that one.
Funny.

No, I am a labor
relations consultant.

Cloud 9 isn't anti-union.

Unions are great for people

whose companies don't
listen to them.

But whatever your concerns are,

you can always bring them
right to corporate any time.

Oh, great. Some of us
did have some concerns

that I wanted to ask you about.

And I want to hear about them.

But first, we're gonna
have some fun. Yeah?

Has everyone gotten some
coffee and a doughnut hole?

Now we're going to do a
little role-playing exercise,

and I've roped in your manager,
Glenn, here to help me out.

Um, okay. Thank you.

You're gonna play a
union organizer,

and you're gonna try to get
me to sign this union card.

- Okay?
- Sure.

- All right.
- Hi, hello.

My name's Steve, and the union...
Okay.

You know what?
You're doing great.

But my name is Steve,

so that might be a little
confusing for everyone.

So maybe pick another name.

Okay, sure. Sorry.

I'm just a little nervous.
You're doing great.

All right. Um, hi.

My name's... Steve.

All right.

I'm gonna be the Steve
in this scene, right?

- So...
- All right, all right.

You're Steve.

Okay.

- Sorry, misunderstanding.
- You're doing great.

- Okay.
- All right.

Hello there, Steve.

My name's...

Steve.

Literally, you know what?

Any other name in the
entire universe?

Steve.

Okay, you know what?

Let's give Glenn a
round of applause.

You did great.

No worries. All right.

Maybe a different volunteer.

How about you with
the purple polo?

Thank you for that, Dina.

Dina's gonna be our
union organizer,

and she's gonna try to get
me to sign this union card.

Let's see if Dina is
up for the challenge.

Okay. Hey, how'd you
like to join a union?

No, thanks. I don't need to.

Cloud 9 already listens
to my concerns.

I really think it'd be
in your best interests

to sign this card.

Please don't bully me.

I do not need to pay
someone to speak for me.

See? I shut her down.

Those are two examples.

Stop interrupting me.

You will sign this card or I
will choke the life out of you.

Whoa. Wow.

And the Oscar goes to Dina.
Right?

See, she was playing a
character there that was...

Oh, I'm not playing a character.

This is me, Dina, talking
to you, union buster Steve.

I'm in a dark place right now,

and quite frankly, I have
nothing left to lose.

So you will sign this card,

or I will be waiting for
you in the parking lot

at the end of the night,
where I will wrap my hands

around that tiny
chicken neck of yours

and stare deep into your eyes
while I watch the lights go out.

Let's take a break.

You want some of mine?

- Hey.
- Hey, man.

Just want to let you know, I
know names besides Steve.

Of course you do.

There's Glenn, and
there's, um...

Steve.

Thanks for your time.

Now you have the facts.

How you choose to use
them is up to you.

- Thank you.
- Oh, thank you, God.

I know, right?

Excuse me, sorry.

Sorry, guys, but you had
said earlier that maybe we

could voice some concerns
at the end of the meeting?

Thank you, Jonah.

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Absolutely.

Cloud 9 has an open door policy.
Great.

So a couple of us were talking
about the possibility

of paid maternity leave
for the employees?

You know, Cloud 9 is devoted
to supporting the welfare

and values of all
of its workers.

Okay? Thanks.

Could you be a little
more specific?

- I love this.
- Great.

We love this kind of
passion and integrity

that adds to all the
colors of the cloud.

Great, but you're not
actually saying anything.

That's because I'm
truly listening.

You know what I just realized?

We have enough doughnut
holes for all of you

to have one more each!

Right? Dig in, everyone.

Guys, they've been
there for hours.

That meeting was such a joke.

They're not going to do
anything for Cheyenne.

They don't care.

You're just realizing that now.

This company, that wouldn't
even spring for full doughnuts,

just doughnut holes?

It's not just about Cheyenne.

It's about all of us.

We're the people that
make this company run.

They need to start
treating us better.

Like Mateo... what was it you
were complaining about yesterday?

- Oh.
- Remember?

Yeah.

- Why are our customers so ugly?
- Mm, yeah.

No, how they keep
us under 40 hours

so they don't have
to give us benefits?

Oh, right, yeah. That sucks too.

I haven't had a raise
in five years.

- There you go.
- I mean, not to complain.

Sorry, I'm babbling.

- Sorry.
- No, no.

We should be speaking
up about this.

It's like we don't
have any leverage.

You know, maybe we
should form a union.

Okay, calm down.

Dude, you can't get everybody
here to agree to join a union.

We couldn't even agree on a
theme for our summer barbecue.

Ended up being "1980s
Arabian Nights

Under The Sea Harry Potter."

So you just want everything
to stay exactly the same?

That's ridiculous!

What if Rosa Parks...

- Whoa.
- Got it.

Amped up, sorry.

Look at him. Mister big pants.

Just waiting for us to slip up
so he can bring the hammer down.

I think he's just
having a coffee.

Oh, come on.

Mister big pants.

Just swinging that big
old wiener around.

And we're back to wiener.

Here.

I was told to hand
you these to read,

'cause that's my job now.

I drop off pieces of paper.

Look at that.

Nailed it.

- Hey, you want to read one?
- Me?

I mean, it's not exactly
like being the boss,

but it has sort of a voice
of God quality about it.

Everyone has to listen to you.

Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers.

We are offering a 10% discount

on all wrapping paper
and gift bags.

Come check out this
heavenly deal.

- Oh.
- Feels powerful, right?

No, I just never
realized my voice

had just such a weak,
tinny quality.

No, you've got a nice voice.

No, you've succeeded
in humiliating me.

"You've succeeded
in humiliating me."

That's me. That's
what I sound like.

You don't sound anything like...

Stop making me talk.

This is a nightmare.

- "Intent to unionize."
- Yep.

"International Brotherhood
of Sanitation Workers."

I printed it off the web.

I'm gonna cross that out
and write "Cloud 9."

I'm sorry, were you not
at that extremely long

and early meeting this morning?

Yeah, I was, and all
it did was confirm

that nothing is gonna change
around here unless we change it.

If you want to help Cheyenne,
this is the way to do it.

No, this is stupid.

It's worth a shot.

No. That's what you said
about calling corporate

in the first place.

- Not everything is worth a shot.
- I'm sorry.

I'm not the kind of person who
just stands by doing nothing

while people around
me need help.

Oh. Okay. Yeah, I get it.

You have an image of your head
of leading all the workers out

in some dramatic walkout,

and you're gonna
bring down the man.

But let me tell you something.

Real people's jobs are at stake.

I am so sick and tired

of being painted as
the stupid idealist

while you get to be the
smart, pragmatic one.

I'm not saying you're stupid.

I'm saying you don't know
how the real world works.

There's a difference between
not knowing how the real world

works and not having the guts
to do something about it.

- Oh, okay.
- Is she having her baby?

- Yeah, I think so.
- We should...

Yeah.

Oh, Cheyenne, she's awesome.

Harmonica.

Oh, could you not
baptize my baby?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Force of habit.

Glenn, if it's okay,

I might just be, like, ten
minutes late tomorrow.

Cheyenne, you are not
coming to work tomorrow.

I need the money,

and they said I would mostly
be done bleeding by then.

But you should be with
the baby, though.

It's okay. My mom can watch her.

I'm gonna leave her with
some of my clothes,

so she can start
to learn my smell.

Cheyenne, this is unacceptable.

You've distracted
us from our work.

You've left your insides
all over the floor,

and now you've brought
your child to work.

- Glenn, what are you...
- No, no, no.

I mean it.

You're suspended.

For four weeks.

With pay.

- But I...
- But?

You want to make it six weeks?

Okay, fine. Bam. Six weeks.

Paid suspension.

You want to keep going, Missy?

No, I'm good.

Good.

I'm ready to go now.

- Thank you.
- Bye, Harmonica.

All: Bye.

Congratulations.

Yeah.

Hey, Glenn.

I just wanted to say that what
you did back there was awesome.

Thank you.

Don't worry. You won't even
notice Cheyenne is gone.

I'm not worried.

It's not my problem anymore.

What are you... what
are you talking about?

Yeah, they let me go.

- What?
- Yeah.

They can't just fire you.

You've given your whole
life to this place.

Don't worry, I'll still be
in the store all the time.

Just as a customer.

I'll say stuff like,
"Hey, can you tell me

where the dental floss is?"

Well, probably not, 'cause I
already know where it is.

Unless you decide to move it.

What? What are you
talking about?

They asked me if
I wanted to make

a suggestion for my replacement,

and nobody knows this
store better than you.

Um, no. I'm not doing it.

Then they'll just
get someone else.

I don't care, Glenn. I'm
not taking your job.

Amy, wait!

Someone is going to be
in that chair tomorrow.

And that person has to take
care of everyone in this store.

I'd rather that person be
you than some stranger.

Amy, you're a leader,

and the people here
need a leader.

Can you do that?

Yeah.

I can do it.

- Jonah.
- Ah, ah, ah.

You think I'm doing it wrong,

but if we stack them
five wide and low,

they're less prone to toppling.

- What's wrong?
- They fired Glenn.

- What?
- Yeah, so, um...

About that walkout.

Mateo.

Glenn got fired.
We're walking out.

Are you coming?

Yeah.

Sorry, was doing a
teal and green story.

Garrett, all the employees

are leaving early because
they're staging a walkout

because Glenn got fired.

Sure, man, that works.

♪ Out here in the fields ♪

♪ I farm for my meals ♪

♪ I get my back into my living ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I don't need to fight ♪

♪ To prove I'm right ♪

♪ I don't need to be forgiven ♪

You still have my credit card.

Hello?

♪♪

♪ Sally, take my hand ♪

♪ We'll travel
south cross land ♪

Oh, no, no. You guys do
not have to do this.

Okay, you know what?
I understand

that you're upset about Glenn.

I know and I get that. No, no.

Come on. Corporate cares.

Sure, Glenn.

Help yourself to a brand-new
car, just this once.

Job's going great.

What could possibly go wrong?

♪ ♪

Is this gonna work?

I don't know.

But it's worth a shot, right?

So what now?

♪♪

Attention, please.

Listen up.

I have something
I'd like to say.

I know you're scared.

This is a big moment.

But rest assured

Cloud 9 will be
fine without you.

Come on.

Anyway, I've demagnetized
your keycards,

and you will receive your
final paychecks in the mail

with the costs of your
vests deducted from them.

Nothing personal. I
wish you all luck,

but I've got a store to manage.

Thank you.

This really cheered me up.

♪ ♪

Oh, and have a heavenly day.