Superstore (2015–…): Season 0, Episode 0 - Olympics - full transcript

Housewares!

Baby and toddler!

Pet food!

Okay, I get... I
get that Cloud 9

is an Olympic sponsor,
but do all the stores do

an actual Olympic
opening ceremony?

Nope, just us.

Glenn has more company
pride than most.

I feel like I've been
transported to Rio.

Pharmacy!

Toys and sporting goods!



Is the life jacket
really necessary?

Don't talk to me.

Don't talk to me.
Don't talk to me.

- Our assistant manager, Dina!
- I'm not a part of this.

I just happen to be walking
in the same direction.

And now, to light the
Cloud 9 Olympic cauldron

is store 1217's oldest
living employee.

Myrtle. Now.

♪ And I'm proud to
be an American ♪

There she is! An American hero!

Glenn, you did not tell me
you'd be using actual fire.

Yes, I did.

I put it in my column
in the newsletter.

Nobody reads "Glenn's
Corner," okay?



Did you read my thing on gluten?

- Absolutely not.
- Yeah, well, it was good.

- This is a hazard.
- I got a lot of...

- How is that a hazard?
- No, the fire, not the...

How is that a hazard?

- Uh, Glenn.
- No, Myrtle!

That's not the cauldron!

Oh.

It's okay, it's just
a little baby fire!

All right, okay, I've got this!

I've got this!

- Everybody evacuate the store!
- No! Nobody run!

We have an elected
store fire marshal

who will lead us from
the building safely.

Elias! Where is Elias?

You are strong. Women love you.
People...

♪ And I'd gladly stand up ♪

Um, I just came here
to return these.

- Do you have your receipt?
- I do.

Okay.

♪ But there ain't no
doubt I love this land ♪

♪ God bless the USA ♪

I'm feeling really
patriotic right now?

Well, we are breathing
in a lot of smoke.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

All right, it's been
an exciting 17 days

of our Olympic promotion.

A couple of hiccups
there at the beginning,

what with the inferno.

Anyway, uh, we're not gonna
have any accidents today

during my closing ceremony.

Oh, no. Absolutely not.
Not happening.

No, your ceremony was
not only reckless,

it was lame, and that's worse.

- Like you could do better.
- If I gave a crap.

Well, crap away, lady.

- Ugh.
- Game on.

I am gonna close that
ceremony so hard.

I wish someone would
close you so hard.

Oh, really? I'd just open
myself right back up again.

Excuse me, do the rest
of us need to be here?

Yeah, uh, sorry, other stuff.

Okay. Organic apples
are on sale today.

Make sure the customers know,

and also, uh,
Olympian Missy Jones

is appearing in-store.

Wait, Missy Jones?

The gold medal-winning
gymnast Missy Jones?

Seriously?

I used to do gymnastics
when I was little.

It wasn't at the
Olympics, though.

It was at Bev's Tumble Palace.

Mateo, what's that on your vest?

Oh! Uh, it's the Filipino flag.

I just thought I'd support my
home country for the Olympics.

Pinoy Pride!

Okay, that's your
choice, I guess.

I just thought that,
during the Olympics,

it'd be fun to pretend
that we're all American.

- Even you, Sandra.
- I'm from Hawaii.

Not today, you're not!

I do love America, but the
Philippines is also great.

Yeah, of course, absolutely.

Just that, technically,
America's number one.

Well, Glenn, what do you
mean, "technically"?

Just as a fact.

That's the saying...
"America's number one."

Well, but other countries believe
that they're number one.

But America is number one.

'Cause it's first in the world.

That's an airtight
argument, though.

Well, uh, first in
the world in what?

Being the best.

At?

Being number one.

Of... countries...

And planets.

♪ In my ear ♪

♪ Tell me all the things
that I want to hear ♪

♪ 'Cause that's true ♪
♪ What I like about you ♪

Just talk to her.

Yeah, I'm going to.

She's just busy, and
I don't want to...

- Hey, Missy.
- Dina, no.

Hi. Dina Fawkes,
assistant manager.

Hi, I'm Amy.

- I am a big fan.
- I'm not.

No offense, I'm just not
impressed by celebrities,

but I do have an Olympics
related question.

Great. Maybe I can answer.

Is it true that the Olympic
Village is basically

just a three-week-long
Slammerama?

Uh, I don't think I know
how to answer that.

All the best bodies
in the world.

All those synthetic fabrics.

Nobody speaks the same language,
so everything means yes.

I'm gonna name some Olympians,
and you tell me if you've...

Mm-mm.

Honestly, I think we were
all just there to compete.

I get it. I got to buy the book.

Okay.

I'm sorry, I'm just... I'm not
comfortable talking about

that part of my life.

Oh, no, no, no.

I'm not... I had your
poster on my wall

when I was a kid, and, um, I
dressed my Barbie like you,

and my brother cut it in half,
but it wasn't personal.

It was... he was just...
but he's fine now.

Amy, right?

- Yeah.
- Take a breath.

You are the best in the world

at being you.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

- That's amazing.
- Yeah.

Your eyes are like lasers.

I know.

I'm gonna start by naming
the weight lifters.

- No.
- Milen Dobrev.

- This is not...
- Pyrros Dimas.

- Appropriate.
- Gleb Pisarevskiy.

- Okay.
- Gleb?

No way.

Lucky.

Oh, I just love
this coffeemaker.

It's the best one we sell.

Look at that.

Made in the USA.

Yep. Uh-huh.

I see that.

You know what I was just
thinking about just now?

How the United States has
three of the world's

longest rivers and
the Grand Canyon

in northwestern Arizona.

It's a beautiful country.

♪ Oh beautiful ♪

♪ For spacious skies ♪

Both: ♪ For amber waves of... ♪

She says stuff that
should sound cheesy,

but, coming out of her
mouth, it's, like, magical.

They say people shouldn't
meet their heroes,

but I'm really glad I did.

I once paid $200 to have
lunch with Terry Gross...

from NPR, and she was on
her phone the entire time.

When I was 16, I was trying
to get a ride to the mall.

When she was 16, she was
competing in the Olympics.

That's, like, Cheyenne's age.

Oh, I'm 17, actually.

So, younger than Cheyenne,

and she was already a
gold medal winner.

$200, and I picked up the check.

I'm just saying, the woman makes
conversation for a living.

I can't imagine being 16 and
having accomplished so much.

Is this gonna take much longer?

I don't know, okay?

I'm sorry that I'm not a
stupid gold medalist!

My daughter's getting
married today.

To a lesbian.

Ah.

♪ ♪

I've spent the last few weeks

watching people my age be
the best in the world,

and I'm barely getting
through summer school.

Cheyenne, you're just
overwhelmed, okay?

With school and...

and I remember what it was like

having to take all those
child-birthing classes

and the CPR classes and
breastfeeding class...

I haven't been
taking any of those!

Um, okay, Cheyenne?

Hey! Hey, hey! Look at me.

Take a deep breath.

You are the best in the world

at being you.

Is that from the poster
in Glenn's office?

It was better when Missy did it.

Okay, let me try it again.

I can't compete with this.

It's like Chinese people's
only purpose in life

is to humiliate me.

So you're trying to make
your closing ceremonies

compete with the actual ceremony
from the actual Olympics?

I need a helper.

How about this?

We start with a fleet
of helicopters

descending on the store.

Okay, we? I'm... me?
I'm the helper?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Well, how about, instead
of helicopters,

we go for something a
tad less ambitious

and use, like, streamers?

Interesting.

We could shoot them
out of a cannon.

Or we could put a
cannon on a helicopter.

Ooh, okay, well, and
then, building on that,

how about none of that stuff,

and everybody carries
a tiny little flag?

- What?
- Look.

Maybe we should focus on stuff
we can actually pull off.

- Okay. I hear you.
- Right?

I'm being unreasonable.

Do you have access to a
team of white stallions?

A team? No.

Then I'm back to helicopters.

♪ First you gonna say you
ain't runnin' game ♪

♪ Thinkin' I'm
believing every word ♪

♪ Call be beautiful,
so original ♪

Hey!

Look what I found
over in menswear.

A good old pair of
American blue jeans pants.

- Hey, lookin' good.
- So casual.

Good luck getting a pair of
these babies in "Ma-nai-la."

You know, I... I
think he means well.

He's... he's just...
he doesn't unders...

It's not like I
don't love America.

I do.

But it's not perfect.

You guys are way
too into brunch.

I wish Asians were
allowed to vote.

And I... I don't really get
the whole basement thing...

Hold on... hold on a second.

What are you... what
are you talking about?

Yeah, I know...
it's a democracy.

One person, one vote...

oh, unless you're
Asian-American.

Tell me why that is.

I don't know that I can.

Are you... Mateo, you're an
American citizen, right?

Oh, just 'cause I'm Asian,
I can't be a citizen?

No, no, I'm... I'm sorry.

It's just that I've read
about so many situations

where parents bring their kids
into the country illegally,

and then, you know, they
don't even tell them

that they're undocumented.

Believe me, I have
plenty of documents.

I went to the green card store
personally with my grandmother.

The... green card store?

Yeah, they sell green cards
and knockoff handbags

and bootleg "Spider-Man" DVDs.

Grandma, do you remember what
you bought for me before?

So that green card
is counterfeit?

So it means I’m not even
an American citizen?

And we can even watch
"Spider-Man" legally

on Netflix?!

I want to show you
something, okay?

See this?

This looks like a stupid
person wrote it, right?

Well, it was me when I was five.

I wrote that, and I
put it on my wall,

and I worked towards
it every day,

because there's
nothing you can't do

if you work hard, focus,
and believe in yourself.

- Wow, that is so cool.
- It's very cool.

Can I touch it?

Yeah, absolutely,
it's just a card.

It's not magic.

'Cause guess where
the real magic is?

- Is it in me?
- Yeah, bingo.

It's in you. And it's not real.

Magic isn't real. It's tricks.

Done by a liar. Remember that.

The Philippines has over 19
different regional languages.

Hello? Indecisive much?

Where is Mateo?

Oh, uh, you know what?

Maybe... maybe take it easy

- on Mateo today.
- Why?

Uh, well... not just
Mateo, you know?

There's a lot of employees
here from different countries

and, you know, making them
say America is the best...

that's just... not cool.

It's the Olympics!

It's all about rooting
for your country

and saying all the other
countries eat beans.

Well, but it's, it's
also about the countries

coming together, you know?

That's why the rings
are interlocked.

Oh, I thought it
was just a symbol.

I didn't know it
symbolized something.

I have to go.

I am appearing at the opening
of a motorcycle dealership.

Oh! You're leaving already?

Maybe we could, like,
trade numbers and...

Oh, hey. We're not
gonna do that.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

I get it.

Bye.

Oh, my God, isn't
she so amazing?

Yeah. Thank you
so much for this.

I just haven't been
believing in myself.

I'm gonna find a card,
write my dream down,

and make it come true.

Good for you.

I'm gonna quit school and
become an Olympic gymnast.

So, dropping out of school,

that's a big risk for...

for a field that's
so competitive

and which so few people succeed.

I know it's a risk, but
I believe in myself.

And back when I took gymnastics,

Coach Bev said I
was her best trier

in her Tuesday-Thursday class.

- Coach Bev said that, huh?
- Mm-hmm.

I think what Amy is trying
to say is that, uh,

a lot of Olympic gymnasts
train their whole lives,

so writing it down a card
might not be enough.

Really?

No, that is not what I was
trying to say, Jonah.

I was trying to say Tokyo 2020!

♪ I got this sewed up ♪

♪ Remy Boyz, they know us ♪

♪ All fast money,
no slow bucks ♪

Bonjour and sayonara, everyone.

I just picked up a
multicultural buffet.

I got some, uh, egg
rolls from the Orient

and pizza... that's from Italy.

Anyway, there's, uh, no reason
for anyone to feel excluded.

Now, I think all
countries are equal.

You know, whether you're of
Mexican descent like Amy.

Honduran.

I don't speak Spanish, sorry.

Or like Garrett... you're, um...

Norwegian.

Wha... really?

Huh... but you're
also part, um...

Swedish.

O... okay, um.

Or... or like Mateo.

You're from the Philippines.

I may have been born
in the Philippines,

but I am trueblue American.

Dane Cook!

These burritos all
have meat in them,

so I can't eat any of these.

♪ Got to go to school ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

All right, listen up.

We're putting together
tonight's closing ceremony,

so we need to know if any of you

have any special skills.

I'm a pretty good singer.

Okay. Sing "Car Wash"
with me immediately.

- ♪ Workin' at... ♪ - Fail!

The vocals don't come in

for another ten measures.

Also, you have the worst
voice I've ever heard.

What about you?

I assume you have
no special skills.

Um, I have highly superior
autobiographical memory.

It means I remember
everything that happened

every day of my life.

Wow. That must be excruciating.

Your life is pathetic.

That's exactly what you said

the last time I told you.

April 8, 2012.

Sorry.

This is a disaster!

We got a lot of
great stuff here.

Are you kidding?

I mean, this is the Olympics.

They're about excellence.

Except it's not the Olympics.

It's a store that sells
discount soda pop

and provides a bathroom
for homeless dudes.

And there he is.

Mr. Cool Guy Garrett,

who doesn't care about anything.

Well, you know what?

I'm not cool.

I don't know how to
play the trumpet.

I don't wear tie-dye shirts.

You think those things are cool?

You're off the team.

Okay, fine, whatever.

Sorry, guys.

Forget the whole thing.

I can't.

All you have to do is
write it on the card,

believe in it, and your
dreams will come true!

Oh, hey!

Are you guys doing that
Missy-dream-card thing

where you write down
your realistic dreams?

Uh, realistic?

Yeah, that's the point.

You make your dreams realistic

so that you're not setting
yourself up for disappointment.

I wrote "go to Mars."

That's a great example.

Um, I think Missy would say...

if you want to go
somewhere interesting,

then maybe write
something like, um...

"Go to Disneyland."

- Exactly.
- Are you insane?

It's super expensive.

Okay, but you think that...
never mind.

Let's try someone else. Uh...

"Nail Scarlett Johansson."

- Ah.
- Okay.

Maybe more realistically...

why don't you try to "nail"

someone you actually know?

Like your wife?

Oh, cool, that'd be awesome.

No, it wouldn't.

What I'm trying to
say is you may not

be able to "start
the next Google"

or, uh, "be Beyoncé,"

or "try lobster... ".

No, Carol, that is a good one.

You could actually
do that right now.

I'm allergic. It would kill me.

Okay, well, then, maybe
don't try the lobster,

but what I'm saying is you
can't just do anything.

If you could, then Garrett
could just make himself walk.

Oh, my God, I'm so
sorry, Garrett.

That's just the first
thing that came to mind.

Well, you know what?

I never tried writing
it on a card before.

Nope.

Cheyenne, what did you write?

Um, let's see, uh,

- "Olympic gymnast"?
- Hmm...

Thoughts? Realistic?

You know, I don't know anymore.

Yeah, 'cause we could
replace this with, um,

- like, uh, college graduate.
- Oh!

- Or, um, businesswoman.
- There you go.

Yeah, okay, I get it.

- You do?
- Yeah.

You don't believe I can do it.

- Both: No.
- No, no.

No, that is not what I'm saying.

Thanks, Amy.

Hey.

If Elias isn't nailing
Scarlett Johansson, can I?

- Sure.
- Yes!

Ooh, thank you.

- Cheyenne.
- What?

Now you don't even believe
I can sell jewelry?

- Oh, come on.
- I'm not stupid, okay?

I never really thought I could
become an Olympic athlete.

So then why were you...

It was just nice living
the fantasy for a while.

You know, like, when you
buy a lottery ticket

and you plan on how you're
gonna spend the money,

even though you know you're
not really gonna win?

Look, Cheyenne,

I know... that you...

are destined for greatness.

Sorry, it just sounds cheesy.

I don't know how she does it!

Glenn?

Uh...

This isn't easy for
me to say, but, um,

I found out today that
I am not an American.

But I love this job and, um...

Mateo. You're an American.

And I'm Filipino. And
everybody's everything.

So it's like nobody's anything.

And that's beautiful.

Well, okay.

Okay.

Let me see that pin.

Okay

Heh.

You stick yourself?

So bad. Right into the bone.

Do you want me to go
get someone or...

Just be with me.

I just don't know that
I did the right thing.

I mean, it feels weird
convincing a teenager

to not follow their dream.

Maybe think of it as
convincing a teen mom

not to drop out of school.

Especially for
something impossible.

I mean, I do wish impossible
things could happen sometimes,

but this is the real world.

What is going on?

I think this might be
the closing ceremony.

That I helped plan.

♪ ♪

Only in America.

But also only in anywhere
else in the world, really.

♪ ♪

♪ Here I am ♪

Damn. She got everything
except the...

♪ Here I am ♪

♪ Rock you like a hurricane ♪

Whoo!

Helicopter!

♪ Here I am ♪

♪ Rock you like a hurricane ♪

Hey, Glenn! In your face!

What?

Suck it, Glenn!

Oh.