Supernatural (2005–…): Season 8, Episode 11 - LARP and the Real Girl - full transcript

Dick: Charlie Bradbury.

Aah!
Geez!

Charlie:
I erase the drive first.

Then I go back
to my old life, right?

You don't have
an old life anymore.

Never contact me again,
like, ever.

If you stay,
I would be with you.

But if you leave...
don't come back.

Whatever you decide...

...decide.

Listen, Benny,



everything you've done for me
I will never forget.

But, uh...

End of the line?

Adios.

[ Lock turns ]

[ Door creaks ]

How dare you?

Lance.

Yeah, that's right.
I'm talking to Lance, not --

well, then we both cut corners
to get close to her,

but that wasn't cheating.

Dude, it's just a game.

[ Sighs ]
[ Cellphone beeps ]

It's just a game.



[ Cellphone chimes ]

[ Hoofbeats ]

[ Horse snorts ]

[ Neighing ]

[ Whip cracks ]

Help!

[ Ropes creaking ]
Help!

Help me!

[ Screaming ]

♪ Supernatural 8x11 ♪
LARP and the Real Girl
Original Air Date on January 23, 2013

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

[ Doobie Brothers'
"China Grove" plays ]

♪ They say that
the father's insane ♪

♪ and dear Mrs. Perkins
a game ♪

♪ We're talking
'bout the China ♪

You okay, man?

♪ Whoa, ho, ho

We have
the most powerful weapon

we've ever had
against demons,

and we can't find
a way to use it.

Yeah, well,
Kevin's on it.

And when he finds something,
he'll call.

So we wait.

Look, we have both
had a rough go

over these past
couple of weeks.

And, uh...

I know what you gave up
wasn't easy.

Maybe we ought to
take the night off --

go see a flick,
hit a bar or two,

have some fun.

You remember fun,
don't you, Sammy?

[ Cellphone ringing ]

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Kevin,
what do you got?

Garth: Hey.
Garth. Hey.

Why don't you grab
a piece of paper?

Really? Okay.
Uh, yeah.

Thanks, man.
Yeah, all right.

Oh, wait, hey -- hey, Garth.
Garth, are you there? -Yeah.

H-how'd you know
where we are?

Yeah, you've been Garthed.

Look, it's bad enough
that you're tracking us,

but it's even worse

when you say
we've been "Garthed."

[ Clears throat ]
Yeah.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Okay, we got to lose
the GPS on our phones

because Garth
has been tracking us,

and other hunters, apparently,
to assign cases.

Smart.

A total Bobby move.

What's the deal?

Uh, well, it's close --
Farmington Hills, Michigan.

Dude got ripped limb from limb
inside his locked apartment.

That's not good.

Working a case.

As long as
we're waiting on Kevin,

that'll be our fun.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Sheriff.

Special Agent Taggart.

This is my partner,
Special Agent Rosewood.

FBI?
You guys are quick.

Haven't even
got the body out yet.

Well, the FBI is all work,
no play.

You know,
why don't you give me the tour

while my partner
looks around?

I work better on my own.

Your world, Agent.
Follow me.

[ Warbling ]

Vic's name was Ed Nelson,
31 years old,

an insurance-claim
adjuster.

He lived alone,
which was a real shocker,

considering his place
is full of toys.

[ Chuckles ]
So what happened?

No sign of forced entry.

Near as we can tell,
he was tied up and pulled apart.

Died of the shock
or massive blood loss.

Dealer's choice
on that one.

So what about
these chains?

That's actually
chain mail.

Seriously?
[ Chuckles ]

We did find
clear rope-burn marks

on his wrists and ankles.

Huh.

So, anything...

missing from the body?

You mean aside
from the arms and legs?

Uh...
[ Chuckling ] Nope.

All there --
twig and berries, too.

What about the neighbors?
Did they hear anything weird?

Uh,
neighbor downstairs said

she got woke up
in the middle of the night

by the sound of horses

stomping their feet
and galloping.

We didn't find
any hoofprints.

She probably heard a TV
or was having a bad dream

or she was high as balls.

Fortunately, we got a real lead
off his cellphone.

According to
the phone records,

Ed's last call was from a guy
called Lance Jacobsen,

an accountant, also 30s,
also lives alone.

How's he a lead?

The two of them talked together
for 15 minutes,

and then Lance sent Ed here
all kinds of angry texts.

Some of them were
your typical threat stuff,

but some were
a little weird.

Weird how?

Like, uh...

"You shall bleed
for your crimes against us,"

followed by
the emoticon of a skull.

And this beauty --

"I am a mage.
I will destroy you."

These kids today with
their texting and murder.

My men just brought Lance

into the station
for questioning.

Well, we're gonna need to take
first crack at the suspect.

Like I said, Agent,
it's your world.

[ Door opens, closes ]

Sam: Lance Jacobsen?
We're with the FBI.

The FBI?

[ Sighs ] I can't believe
this is happening.

[ Crying ]
I can't believe Ed's dead.

[ Sobbing ]

Dean: Lance?

Lance, just --
just breathe.

Just breathe.
You're fine.

[ Sobbing ]

We just need to ask you
a few questions.

Try to calm down.

We want to know
about the, uh --

the texts you sent Ed
last night.

I told them
when they brought me in

those texts
weren't from me.

Well, your phone
and Ed's phone say otherwise.

No, I mean, they were from me,
but they weren't from me me.

Did you really think

that sentence
was gonna clear things up?

[ Sighs ] I'm sorry.

This is all
a big misunderstanding.

Those text messages
were from Greyfox the Mystic

to Thargrim the Difficult.

Our characters in Moondoor.

Moondoor
is a game that Ed and I play.

We're Larpers.
Live-action role-playing?

Right.
Larping. Good times.

We play Moondoor every other
weekend at Heritage Park.

All the info about it
is on our website.

You guys have a website.

Yeah, one of the players
designed it.

In fact,
if you log onto the site,

they should have posted pictures
from last night's feast.

I was there all night.

What does any of this
have to do with the texts?

I play a character
named Greyfox the Mystic.

I'm a very, very powerful mage
in the game.

Okay, uh, very powerful.
Go on.

Ed is...
[ Sighs ]

Ed was Thargrim the Difficult
of the Elder Forest,

son of Hargrim and Bouphin,
brother to --

he was Lancelot
to my Merlin.

Ah.

Well,
if you guys were so tight,

then why
the threatening messages?

We were named
to the queen's honor guard,

in anticipation of the coming
Battle of Kingdoms this weekend.

I thought he broke protocol,

so I called Ed after game hours
and accused him of cheating,

and then
I challenged him to a duel.

A duel?
Wands and swords at dawn.

[ Clears throat ]

Now, when you say "wands"
do you mean magic wands?

No. Un-magic wands,
Agent.

Because what I really want
in a duel is an un-magic wand.

Yes! Fake wands!
It's a game!

I can't believe it.

Oh, ye Gods!

Thargrim the Difficult
has fallen!

[ Sobbing ]

L-Lance -- Lance.
Hang in there, champ.

[ Inhales sharply ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ Sighs ] So?

Do you believe
Dungeons & Dragons?

He didn't put a whammy
on us.

Those weren't crocodile tears,
man. That's not our guy.

This could be "Fifty Shades of
Greyfox" for all we know.

All right, well,
let's check out Moondoor site,

see if Lance's story
checks out.

[ Sighs ]

[ Keyboard clacking ]

"Welcome to Moondoor, Michigan's
largest larping game".

And I thought
we needed to get out more.

[ Chuckles ]

Hmm.

There's our guy.

Huh.

[ Chuckling ] It actually
looks kind of awesome.

All right,
there's a video.

Man: Moondoor. A world of
intrigue, honor, passion.

[ Metal clanging ]

Four kingdoms --

followers of the Moon, Elves,

Warriors of yesteryear,
and the dreaded Shadow Orcs.

All will fight
on the fields of never

in the biannual
Battle of Kingdoms.

Pick up a sword or a mace.

Take control of Moondoor
and defend the current ruler...

Wait, is that...

...the queen of Moons.

Aah, God.

What the hell?

[ Coughing ]

[ Screaming ]

You're gonna
want to see this.

[ Mouse clicks ]

Jake: God forbid
he was contagious.

I'm gonna go dip myself
in hand sanitizer.

No EMF,
no hex bags, no sulfur.

I got nada. You?

Watch the video again.

There. See that?

Same as Ed's.

I don't know.
Maybe they had matching tattoos.

I mean,
they were brothers in arms.

You recognize it
from anything?

A Tim Burton movie?

Aside from the, uh,
mark of the creepy here,

the only thing these guys
have in common is larping.

Lucky for us,
we know the queen.

[ Renaissance music plays ]
[ Laughter ]

[ Harp twangs ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

I, Boltar the Furious,
bind you to this stock

so that all of Moondoor
may see you for what you are --

a thief.

[ Muffled ] My Shadow Orc brethren will
descend from the Black Hills

and the tents of mo--

Uh, hold.

Thanks, Gerry. Sorry.
Yeah, no problem, Monty.

[ Clears throat ]

Resume.

[ Muffled ] And the tents of
Moondoor will be bathed in blood

as we unseat
the queen of the Moons

from the throne she stole
from the rightful heir --

the shadow king.

And you --
silentium!

Serve your time with honor,
heathen.

And if you need to use
the chamber pot,

stomp your feet
thrice.

Excuse me. Hi.
Uh, you are a larper, yeah?

I prefer the term
"interactive literaturist".

Right. Uh,
I am Special Agent Rosewood.

This is
special Agent Taggart.

Hold!

Um, guys, we're not doing the whole
genre-mash-up thing this weekend.

We only do that
every third month.

Uh...
Come again?

Your fake badges,
the cheap suits.

It's very cool. I get it.
Your characters are FBI agents

that somehow
traveled to Moondoor,

but I'm telling you

it's straight-up
Moondoor this weekend.

These aren't
fake badges.

Uh, yeah, they are,
and they're very good,

but, um, well,
the I.D. number shifted

to 10 digits
with two letters mixed in

at the end of the year, and, uh,
the seal's from last month.

Really good work.

So you got to follow
the rules.

If there's no rules --
chaos.

[ Clears throat ]
Resume.

If you would like to join
the army of moons,

the queen is always
on the lookout for new squires.

Yes. Right.

Uh, we would like to see
your queen now, please.

Well, the queen's calendar
is booked up months in advance.

But if you wish to witness
what's in store for you

in her army,
her highness is overseeing

new squires on the pitch
as we speak.

[ Grunting ]

Yield!
I yield!

[ Crowd gasps ]

[ Applause ]

I love you.

I know.

Take your leave
to my medical tent

and attend to your...
severed limbs.

Greyfox and Thargrim
are missing.

We pray to the goddess

they have not fallen victim
of foul play.

In their absence,

the honor guard's ranks
are weakened.

To join...

Oh, blerg.

Uh...

The queen
needs some royal "we" time.

Talk amongst thyselves.

[ Clears throat ]
Nice balance.

Dude.

Yeah.

Charlie.

Charlie Bradbury
is dead.

She died a year ago.
You killed her.

My name
is Carrie Heinlein.

Oh, and guess what.
Now you killed her, too.

Okay, listen.

No, I buried myself.

Then Dick Roman went down,
his company belly-up,

and I figure,
"Hey, it's all good"

and I was fine.
I got my life back.

Now you're here,

and if you guys are here,
monsters are here.

Why do I have
such bad luck?

What am I --
some kind of monster magnet?

Is there such a thing
as a monster magnet?

You know what?
Don't answer that.

I don't care.

What I care about

is not getting
my other arm broken...

or dying.

So,
I'm dropping my sword

and walking off the stage,
bitches.

Have fun
storming the castle.

Charlie. Charlie!

Greyfox and Thargrim --
uh, Ed and Lance --

they're not missing.

They're dead.

[ Thunder crashes ]

Drawn and quartered
and bleeding out?

Please stop talking
again.

So what do you think
did this?

Well,
aside from the mark

and them both being
larpers,

there's really
not much else to go on.

Wait, I've seen this before.
It's a Celtic magic symbol.

At least it was
in my favorite video game.

Does that help?
Can I go now?

It's a start, but no.

Um, listen.

What can you tell us
about Ed and Lance?

Good guys.

Two of the best members

of the queen's
ever-shrinking army.

"Ever-shrinking"?

My kingdom has had
a lot of bad luck lately,

probably 'cause of me,
but maybe it's tied to this.

A month ago,
one of my guys

had both her ankles broken
before battle.

Before that,
I had three people

have hospital-worthy accidents
while at home.

You think
there's any connection there?

They have
any enemies in common?

In real life? No.
Everyone gets along famously.

In the game, though,
they had tons of enemies.

Red reps the followers
of the Moon -- my peeps.

Green's for Elves,

blue's for
Warriors of Yesteryear,

and black's for Shadow Orcs --
total d-bags.

This weekend
is the Battle of the Kingdoms

to see who wears
the forever crown.

This weekend,

each faction is definitely
an enemy of me and mine.

You know, if you, uh...
[ Clears throat ]

...move your archers back

and your broadswordsmen
to the west...

Huh. Like the warriors.
Yep.

Hey, good call.
Thanks.

What about the southern wall?
Guys.

Yeah? Right. Sorry.

So maybe someone from
one of the other kingdoms

got ahold of real magic

and started using it
to weaken your army.

But why not
just come after me?

And why the escalation?

All right,
we will canvass the kingdoms.

You should
get out of here.

We don't want you to get hurt.
Whoa, wait.

Charlie knows Moondoor a lot
better than we do. We need her.

Sam, I think
we can take care of

a bunch of accountants
with foam swords.

We need all the help we can get,
Dean. People are dying.

My point,
which is usually yours,

is that she should
get somewhere safe

and get back
to a normal life.

Hey, I am right here,
and I want to leave.

Thank you.

But the queen...

[ Sighs ]
...she has to stay.

I mean, Sam is right.
People are dying.

That can't happen
on my watch.

And you know what?
I am tired of running.

I like my life here.

I'm gonna stay
and fight for it.

[ Cellphone ringing ]

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Yeah.

Okay.

Thanks.

So, the toxicology report
came back on Lance.

Nothing.

But the medical examiner said
his body showed clear signs

that he was killed
by Belladonna.

The porn star? The porn star?

The poison.

Oh. Oh.

Um, however,

they couldn't find
a trace of it in his system.

Just like they couldn't find
ropes in Ed's apartment.

Charlie, I'm gonna need
to borrow your laptop.

There are no laptops
in Moondoor.

What?
There are rules.

But there is a tech tent
four tents down.

Okay.

How about
you guys go canvas,

and I'll dig into these
accidents and this mark?

Okay.

I'm gonna need a full wiki
on where you guys have been.

But first, you're gonna
have to ditch the suit

if you're gonna
walk and talk with the queen.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Excuse me.

Do you know if there's
a directory of online players?

Yeah,
it's on the website.

All you need is an account
to access it.

Um, thanks, uh...

Maria.

I mean,
Gholandria the Wicked.

You sent Sam
a phantom text from his ex?

Dick move, sir.

Yeah,
not my finest hour.

So he found
some normalcy with this chick,

and now it's gone...
again.

Thanks to you.

Yeah, well, now he's more
committed than ever,

so there's that.

But, trust me,
this life --

you can't afford
attachments.

You just got to...
let go.

Are we still
talking about Sam,

or did you
break up with someone, too?

Me?
Yeah.

No.

[ Renaissance music plays ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Your majesty.

You always
been into larping?

Nah.

For role-play,
I prefer a tabletop.

D&D, Gamma World,
Car Wars.

That's why Cthulhu invented
multi-sided dice, right?

But a buddy of mine
was into larping.

Went for him,
stayed for the chicks.

[ Laughs ]

It's not just that,
though.

It's an escape.

I mean, here,
I'm queen, a hero.

Out there in the real world,
I'm just hacking out code

and chugging coffee
all day long.

Now, wait a second.

If it wasn't for you,

we would have never been
able to take down Dick Roman.

Out there
in the real world,

you are a hero.

Woman: My queen.

I'm noticing a lot of these
maidens checking you out.

What?
I can't shut this down.

It's good to be queen.

It's -- it's all
just part of the game.

[ Chuckles ]

Genre mash-up.
Cool.

Hey, I know her.
That's Phyllis.

Heard she broke her ankles
or something.

Wow.
It looks like she got --

hobbled.
[ Chuckles ]

Oh, and that's Jamie.

He said someone
broke into his house,

beat him with his own mace,
but --

No signs of
a forced entry.

Uh, do you recognize this
from Moondoor?

I-I think it's Celtic?

No. Sorry.

But I'll look it up.
Thanks.

I haven't seen
anything like it

in my travels throughout
the realms, your highness.

All right.

Well, if you think of anything,
come see me in my tent.

Anytime.

Scratch the Elves
off the list.

Mace attacks, hobbling,
medieval poisoning --

somebody's targeting
the queen's people.

No, not only them.

See, those four
are with the Queen,

but these two --
they're Elves.

And these two
are Warriors.

The only group
not to get hit --

the Shadow Orcs.

Last group on the list,
impossible to find.

Wait, I know where
we can find one.

I met him on the way in.
Perfect.

Maybe he can tell us
what the frack this thing is.

It's, uh,
the Tree of Pain.

Uh, if you are tagged
with this mark,

you will be a victim
of fairy magic.

Wait.
Fairy magic can be bad?

Monty: [ Muffled ]
Death to the queen!

Death to the usurper!

Death to her manservant!

[ Growls ]
What?

Well, there's no laptops
in Moondoor.

There's no Geneva Convention,
either.

Hey.

Have you seen this?

Yeah, of course.

No. No,
I haven't seen it.

Okay, it's the Shadow King's
family crest.

You'll never find him
in the Black Hills.

Black Hills?

The forest
behind the playground.

Come on.

[ Sighs ]
[ Cellphone beeps ]

All right, uh, well, thank you
very much, Gholandria.

Anytime.

I've never done
genre-mash-up play before.

That was fun.

First time
for everything, right?

First time for
a lot of things

if you want to
come find my tent later.

Another time.

[ Scoffs ]
Your loss.

My queen.
There you are.

I've been searching
everywhere for you.

Has this...
oaf attempted to harm you

with his blasphemous
metalworks?

Boltar, he's with me.
This is my new...

handmaiden.

We seek an audience
with the Shadow King.

Uh, these hills
are not safe.

I beseech you, my queen,
you should return to camp.

He's right...
your worshipfulness.

Uh, may I have a moment
before you take your leavings?

Mm.

Handmaiden?

He was suspicious.
I panicked.

All right, look.
You take my phone.

Find Sam.
We'll find the shadow dorks.

But I can help.

Yeah, you are helping
by finding Sam. Go.

Lead the way to the Orcs,
Bolty.

Speak when spoken to,
handmaiden.

[ Sighs ]

[ Rustling ]

[ Twig snaps ]

[ Birds cawing ]

[ Twigs snap ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Roars ]

Ohh!
Dark magic!

Ohh! My eyes!

The stinging of your attack
burns my very soul!

[ Groaning ]

Ohh!

Dark magic?

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ Sighs ]
Well, that was a bust.

You sure the Shadow Orcs
are even out there?

For a handmaiden,

you certainly ask
many questions.

Yes, I am positive.

They're just very good
at hiding themselves.

But a plan
has sprung to mind

that will
draw the Shadow King to us.

We shall take the Shadow Orc
held in stock,

offer him up
as a prisoner exchange.

Draw him out
and beat him down.

I like your style,
Boltar.

I shall retrieve
the prisoner.

You tend to the queen's laundry
and chamber pots,

then meet me back here.

Nice outfit.
[ Clears throat ]

You love it.
Right.

Well, while you were, uh,
playing dress-up,

I found out that
the mark...

Belongs to
the Shadow Orcs.

Yeah. And they're using
fairy magic.

[ Paper rustles ]

The Tree of Pain.
Awesome.

Whoever gets marked
gets ganked.

All right,
how do we stop it?

Find whoever cast the spell,
and take them out.

No more whammy,
no more marks.

No more marks,
no more dead bodies.

Okay, well, perfect.

Our, uh,
pal Boltar the chatty

is getting the, uh,
Shadow Orc prisoner.

We're gonna do
a little prisoner exchange,

try to draw the king
out of hiding.

It was my idea.

Where's Charlie?

She was with you.

No, I sent her to you.

Charlie?

Your highness?

Charlie?

You know what --
she's got my phone.

Try it.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

[ Groans ]

[ Fire crackling ]

Uh...

Hi.

I'm the, uh, queen...

of Moons.

Nice to meet you.

Great costume,
B.T. Dubs.

Right.

Well, this has been
a really great kidnapping,

but I got to get back
to not dying.

So, good talk.

[ Fabric rustles ]

Wow. Real magic.

That is really cool,
if not mostly terrifying.

Um, right.

Okay.

We can work this out,
can't we?

Get you some gold,
my crown.

Ritualistic sacrifice?

Look.

I am not really a queen.

I'm just
an I.T. girl...

Standing
in front of a monster...

asking it
not to kill her.

Great.

Now the worst period of my life
comes to an end.

I saw my boss get eaten
by a Leviathan, broke my arm,

lived life on the run,
finally got it all back,

and now a dude
in a stag-skull mask

is gonna kill me.

I just want
my old life back!

[ Whimpers ]

That is all I want,
as well.

I swear,
if anything's happened to her...

Dude,
we checked all the tents.

We'll talk to these guys.
We'll find her.

Ca-caw!

Ca-caw!

Man: Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

Greetings, heretics.

You should
kneel before me, cur.

All right,
why don't you let me --

Silence!

Now, before we exchange,
a few announcements.

Um, there is a peewee-league
soccer playoff game tomorrow

on the alpha field.

We don't want to freak out
the mundanes,

so we got to move the Battle
of Kingdoms to the beta field.

All right. That's it.

You know what? I'm gonna do this
the old-fashioned way.

Dean, don't.
What?

Come on.
No, I'm --

I told you there are --
shut up.

All right.
I need real answers.

This here is a real gun,
see?

[ Gunshot ]

Whoa! Whoa!
Hold! Hold! Geez!

Now, start talking.
Where's the queen?!

I don't know!

Yeah, well,
your little family crest there

tells a different story,
pal.

This?
Yeah.

Uh,
I got sick last month

after this thing
just appeared on my arm.

I thought it looked
really cool,

so I turned it into
my family crest.

I mean, after my dermatologist
said it wasn't malignant.

Dean, he's not our guy.
He's just another vic.

My name is Max Hilby.
I'm an attorney.

I have no idea
where the queen is,

but if you let me go right now,
I won't press charges.

I promise.

Um...

Here.
Uh, take them. Please.

Go.

Go! Go!

What? What?!

Is the queen
really in danger?

Okay, look,
I-I noticed something odd

down by the creek.

It's this weird tent.
It's not one of ours.

It's kind of creepy.

Why are you being so helpful
all of a sudden?

Look, I harbor
an epic crush on the queen.

Maybe you could put in
a good word for me

when you find her.

I don't think
you're her type.

What? You mean
she's not into Orcs?

My name is Gilda.

I'm from the Hollow Forest
of Arkhmoor.

I'm a fairy.

Mm. Swoon.

Uh, I mean,
how did you get here?

I was summoned here
by a spell.

By whom?

I don't know his name,

but I was brought here
to do his bidding.

His bidding?
That's never good.

My...master,

he...
he has me hurt people.

He's forcing me to.
I'd never hurt anyone.

I'm a fairy --
the good kind.

No, no, I get that.
Why is he doing this?

I don't know.

He started off
with smaller commands,

but he's become
more violent.

He had me kill
two men this week.

Man, someone is taking this game
way too seriously.

Game?

This -- my outfit,
all of this --

it's just a game here.

Why would you play
such a game?

This world --
not so much with awesome.

The game
is a way to get away.

Mm.

It's a lovely forest,

but it's nothing like
my home.

Right.

So, how do we get you
back there?

I can't break free
from the spell, myself.

A hero must take
my master's book of magic

and destroy it,
breaking the spell.

Gilda,
my name is Charlie Bradbury,

and I am here
to rescue you.

Why don't you take off, Bolty?
We got it from here.

A handmaiden and a time traveler
rescue the queen?

I think not, kind lady.

Look,
this isn't a game, Boltar.

The queen, our friend,
is in real danger.

You could get hurt.

I will not leave my queen
in peril.

Look there.

We haven't checked
that tent.

[ Moans ]

[ Clears throat ]

Dudes.

If the tent is rockin',
don't come a-knockin'.

No, it's him!
My master! Run!

No guns in Moondoor,
gentlemen.

Gilda, if you please?

[ Chicken clucks ]

Well, now what, Gerry?

My name
is Boltar the Furious!

My plan was,

after getting rid of
all of my competition,

to win the battle tomorrow,

convincing the queen
that I should be her king.

[ Sighs ]

But then you two idiots
showed up,

and I was forced to improvise.

Rescue the damsel in distress
from Orcs,

become king, kill you both --
that'll work, too.

So why did you go
from hobbling to murder?

Greyfox and Thargrim became
part of the honor guard.

They got close to the queen,

but they did it
by breaking the rules --

paying off other players
with real money,

rather than Moondoor currency.

They were cheating.

Oh, and using magic
isn't?

Magic is a part of Moondoor.

What is your problem?

Why would you hurt people?
This is just a game.

There is no game!
There is only Moondoor!

I came here to be different,

to get away from my crappy life,
to be a hero,

and guess what.

What, you were a loser
in the real world,

and you're a loser here?
Shocker.

Would a loser track down
a real book of spells

and compel a fairy
to do his bidding?

It depends.
How'd you get it?

eBay.

[ Clears throat ]

Look.

It doesn't have to
be like this, Boltar.

Just hand over
the book of spells.

We can work this out.

This will all work out...

After I remove you from
the playing field

and wipe her memory.

Gilda?

Gilda, the big one.

Ohh!

[ Grunts ]

[ Metal clanging ]

I can't stop him.

The book --
you must destroy it.

[ Gasps ]

Hey, Gerry.

I'm the one who saves damsels
in distress around here.

No!

Are you okay?

I'm free of the spell.
You saved me.

The Hollow Forest
is forever in your debt.

I must return
to those green hills now.

I will take
my former master with me.

He must face
a fairy tribunal for his sins.

Wait.

Call me, maybe.

So what's next for you,
Charlie?

New town?
New identity?

If the last 24 hours
have taught me anything,

it's that escaping
isn't what it used to be.

No more replacement
characters for me.

I got to face reality
from now on.

Sadly, reality
actually includes monsters,

but what are you
gonna do?

If I can ever be of help
to you guys, let me know.

Will do.

And you, uh...
You're good?

Apart from the fact

that you blocked me
from banging a fairy,

and I'm about to go lose
my crown in battle,

thanks to my army
being decimated?

[ Laughs ]
Yeah. Totally good.

Smell you later,
bitches.

[ Clears throat ]

So, what's, uh...
what's next?

'Cause no fun, right?

Look, before you say anything,
I-I-I get it.

No amount of fun
is gonna help you

get over
what you gave up.

You just, uh...
you need time, right?

Yeah.

Thanks.

And you're right.
[ Clears throat ]

Having fun won't help me.

It'll help both of us.

Shall we?

[ Epic music plays ]

Dean: And dying in your beds
many years from now,

would you be willing to trade
all the days,

from this day to that,
for one chance --

Isn't that
the speech from --

It's the only one
he knows.

Just one chance
to come back here

and tell our enemies
that they may take our lives,

but they will never take...

Hold!

[ Music stops ]

Uh, my bad.
Man: Really?

Sorry.
You can't be serious.

[ Music resumes ]

...our freedom!
[ Crowd cheering ]

Aah!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

== sync, corrected by elderman ==