Supernatural (2005–…): Season 7, Episode 9 - How to Win Friends and Influence Monsters - full transcript

Something is turning all of the people of a small town in New Jersey into cannibals.

You can't stop any of us.

We can't be killed,
you stupid little chewtoys.

These things are smarter than you.

You don't have a clue how to kill 'em
or slow 'em down, and your plan is, what?

Go right at 'em?

- We've been a little busy.
- Hunting Leviathan.

You met Dick yet?

I'd sooner swim through hot garbage than shake
hands with a bottom-feeding mutation like you.

I'd never work with you, Crowley.

I hate the bastard.
Squash 'em all.

You need to see a fella
named Frank Devereaux.

Bobby Singer sent us.
Or not. Who?

We just need you to get us
further off the grid,

- but keep us on the board.
- Wipe all your old aliases.

Change your phones on a very frequent
non-schedule schedule, you understand?

You can't just look me in the face
and tell me you're fine.

- You want me to be honest?
- Yeah.

I don't like lying to you.
You know, it doesn't feel right.

So, yeah, you got me there.
I been climbing walls.

I know how that is.

Good night, sweetie.

This is nature sounds.

"Sounds of Nature,"Volume 4,

"Soothing Seas".

What the hell?


No. Stay away.


This is nature sounds.
"Sounds of Nature."

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- Did you strip enough wire?
- Yes, I stripped enough wire.

All right.

See? Told you.

Well, isn't this cozy?

Yeah. Well, motel 6 just ain't
leaving the light on anymore.

Well, I'm taking a page
out of Frank Devereaux's Bible on this.

Everybody's out to get you...
paranoia is just plain common sense.

Weeks, guys. Weeks.

We've been living with cold showers,
cold hot pockets, cold freaking everything.

I mean, this is the bottom that we're living in.
You guys get that, right?

How many big mouths are out there,
running card traces, like Chet,

or hunting us down
God knows what ways?

No, now's not the time to be
laying our bed rolls out on the grid.

Not if we can help it.

That's just great.

This is stupid.

Our quality of life is crap.

We got purgatory's
least wanted everywhere,

and we're on our third "the world's screwed"
issue in, what, three years?

We've steered the bus away
from the cliff twice already.

- Someone's got to do it.
- What if the bus wants to go over the cliff?

You think the world wants to end?

I think that if we didn't take its belt
and all its pens away each year...

that, yeah, the whole enchilada
would have offed itself already.

Stop trying to wrestle with the big picture, son.
You're gonna hurt your head.

So, what's the guff?


there have been a rash of sightings
all over the Southern pine barrens...

A strange, fast-moving,
human-like creature.

Locals even have a name for it.

The Jersey devil? I thought that
was just local tall-tale crap.

The area's history of sightings
goes back more than two centuries.

Some accounts gave it bat wings,
others horns,

a tail.

And, uh, oh, yeah,
a horse's head.

The sketch looks more like
a Chewbacca head.

Sounds kind of mixed-up.

Yeah, kind of like it should be
fighting a Japanese robot.

Well, mixed-up or not,

it sounds like it might
just have a body count.

"Camping High Heason Harshed by Human Burrito"?


Something hung a camper up in a tree,
then ate him alive right through his sleeping bag.

His wife hasn't been seen, either.

Plus, there have been four other missing
persons reported in the last three weeks.

State troopers... get this...
are saying it's a rogue bear.

Yeah, of course, when was the last time
you saw a bear string up its own pi?ata?

Something's out there in the woods.

Hey, we're going honest to
goodness wilderness hunting.

I haven't used my .30-30 in a while.

Okay, Davey Crockett, well,
safari's gonna have to wait till tomorrow...

and after our suit-and-tie dance.

We'll make sure this is not just some
backwoods crackhead who likes to roll glampers.

What the hell's a Glamper?


High-end camper.

TV, A.C., Wi-Fi.

Back to nature,
zero inconvenience.

- That's idiotic.
- Yeah.

Some people just don't know how to live.

So, Ranger Evans...

You can call me Rick.

Ranger Rick.

You were the one who found
Mitchell Rayburn, correct?

The human burrito.

State police have it down as a bear attack.

Yeah, I read what the state police says.

That was no rogue brown.

Apparently, some others
reported seeing something...

a little, you know, weirder.

You know, I've been a ranger for 12 years.

Tell you the truth,

we have no idea what's out there.


Lot of trees and whatnot.

Tell you this, though.

You got to respect mother nature.

You respect her,
or she's gonna string you up,

and she'll eat your ass
right through the Gore-Tex.

So you're thinking it's mother nature?

See, me and Phil,
we've been finding, uh,

something's leftovers for weeks...

Deer remains, badger,

missing pets.

- Who's Phil?
- Assistant Chief Ranger.

Come to think of it,

I haven't seen Phil in a couple of days.

He's supposed to call from
whatever station he's checking off.

But you think maybe your assistant
Chief Ranger might be missing?

I should probably report that.

Excuse us.

Well, you, uh...

Enjoy your lunch...

Ranger Rick.


Well, I took a look at the cadaver...

What's left of it.
Not a happy camper.

Don't have any stats on a Jersey devil,

but the bite radius on the vic's wounds
it's too small for a Leviathan.

And he's still got a ventricle and some change,
so I doubt we're talking werewolf.

And a wendigo don't leave no scraps.

- Lunch?
- Starving.

Hey! Uh, Brandon.

- We grab a booth?
- Hey,

a hostess will seat you.

Do I look like a freaking hostess?

Do you want to look like a hostess?

That didn't really make sense,
what you... said.

What was that?

I sure hope we don't get
Brandon's section.

Sidewinder soup and salad combo goes to big bird.

Tdk slammer to Ken doll.

And a little heart-smart for creepy Uncle.

- What is your problem?
- You are my problem!

Oh, Brandon's got his flare all up in a bunch.

Yeah. There goes his 18%.

Anyway, the Chief Ranger...
I don't think he believes in the Jersey devil.

Oh, by the way, did he seem
a little, uh, stoned to you?

Ranger Rick? Yeah.

Definitely growing his own on
the back 40 and smoking all the profits.

He did seem to think
that there was something...

- Oh, that is good sandwich.
- What the hell did you get?

New Pepperjack Turducken Slammer...

Limited time only.

Bunch of birds shoved up
inside each other.

- Shouldn't play God like that.
- Hey, don't look at me sideways from that...

that Chinese chicken geezer salad
there, okay? This is awesome.

Like the perfect storm of
your top-three edible birds.

All right, anyways, um...

The ranger did seem to think
there was something out in wharton forest.

- Well, then I'd say it's safari time.
- She has big bones.

Look at her!
You're telling me she's not fat?

No, no. Up yours, Mike.
Shove it right up yours!

Well, anyway,

back to bigger and better things.

Couple of bucks.

Head-butting over turf probably.

Pretty sure the other fella won.

I guess I forgot.

Before you were a hunter,
you were actually a... hunter.

Yeah, well, we shot our
dinner when I was a kid.

You used to take us hunting.

Dad had a case,
he'd just dump us on you.

Shoot, you must have taught us
most of the outdoor tracking we know.

Yeah, what I could get to stick.

I never could get you little grubs
to pull a trigger on a single deer.

- Talking about Bambi, man.
- You don't shoot Bambi, jackass.

You shoot Bambi's mother.

Well, looks like we found Phil.

Special agents.

Listen, I got your call.

But I'm not sure I got what you were saying.

I think we found Phil.

That's what I said.

I should probably call this in.

Yeah, yeah.
Solid move, Rick.

This is Ranger Evans
up at acher's point. Come in.

This is Chief Ranger Evans.

- Please ranger, go ahead.
- I have a situation out at acher's point.

Ranger, I think we've got company.

Yeah? Who's that?


Ranger Evans!


It's got him up in the trees.

- Lights off.
- What?

Wait, Bobby, you think
that's really a good idea?

Shut up, shut off,
and listen.

- Damn thing is eating Rick.
- Man, I liked Rick.


- Nice shot, Bobby.
- Seriously.

We all got our gifts.

What about the rest of Ranger Rick?

Ranger called in his 10-20.
His own will find him.

We got crap to do.

Built like a supermodel, but the thing
was strong. That's for damn sure.

Carried a full-grown man
up a tree in nothing flat.

But it only took one bullet to bring it down.

And not even a silver bullet,
just a bullet-bullet.

First one must have just stunned it.

All right, well, let's...

check its hulk pants for some I.D.

That is just gonna ruin the leather.

Are you feeling okay?

Yeah, I feel great.

Gerald Browder,

lived here in town, 5'9",
brown hair and blue eyes...

235 pounds.

Well, apparently,
he's lost a little pudge.

Maybe it's a lap-band side effect.

What the hell?

I think we better have a look
under Gerald's hood.


Its organs are swimming in the stuff.

You guys getting hungry?

I'm hungry.

- What's that?
- His stomach.

For a guy on a diet,
Gerry here packed it in pretty good.

- That's human right there.
- That's fresh Rick.

Let's see. Plus...

Pine cone?

Pack of gum in the wrapper.

That's... that's older. Maybe like a...
maybe Ranger Phil or the camper.

- What's that?
- Looks like a...

Yeah, that's a cat's head.

A glamper or two is one thing, but...

you got to be damn hungry
to eat a cat's head.

Well, lookit here.
I'm no Dr. Oz, but...

I think that's his adrenal glands.

- Okay. And?
- Meant to be the size of hotel bar soap...

and bright orange.

All right, that might help
explain the strength.

But whatever this thing is,
it's not the Jersey devil,

but it sure as hell ain't Gerald Browder anymore.

Okay, guys, seriously.

It's time for dinner?

Gerald Browder, 35,

Air-conditioning repairman.

Missing person number three.
Disappeared eight days ago.

Well, that explains all the people
who got eaten in the last eight days.

Yeah. Question is,
what happened to him?


So, what do you think?

I'm not that worried about it.

Excuse me?

Well, that's funny, right?

I could give two shakes of a rat's ass.

Is that right?

Do rats shake their ass,
or is it something else?

- Give me that.
- Whoa, whoa! Why?!

There's some funky chicken in
the tdk slammer, ain't there?


This is stupid.

My sandwich didn't do anything.

I don't know what you think you're gonna find.

There's something wrong with you, Dean.

Are you kidding?
I'm fine!

I actually feel great.

The best I've felt in a couple months.

Cass? Black goo?

I don't even care anymore.

And you know what's even better?
I don't care that I don't care.

I just want my damn slammer back.

Dude, you are completely stoned,
just like Ranger Rick was.

Just like the dinner rush back at Biggerson's.

And everybody's loving the turducken.

I think you pissed off my sandwich.

- That... that's in me?
- Only half of it.

Does that snot look familiar?

Okay, so whatever turned Gerry Browder
into a pumpkin head...

- and is currently turning Dean into an idiot...
- I'm right here. Right here.

Is in the turducken slammer at Biggerson's.

- Yeah.
- It's in the meat.

If I wasn't so chilled out
right now, I would puke.

How's he doing?

He's sleeping it off.

Tryptophan coma.

- So, you think he's okay?
- Yeah, he's all right.


- So you don't worry about him?
- What do you mean?

Before the turducken?

Yeah. Yeah,
I kind of mean more like, uh...

More like ever since my head broke...

and we lost Cass.

I mean, you ever feel like he's...

He's going through the same motions
but he's not the same Dean, you know?

- How could he be?
- Right, yeah, but what if...

What if what, Sam?

You know, you worry about him.

All he does is worry about you.
Who's left to live their own life here?

The two of you aren't you full up just playing
Snuffleupagus with the devil all the live long?

I don't know, Bobby.
Seeing Lucifer's fine with me.

Come again?

Look, I'm not saying it's fun.
I mean, to be honest with you,

I kind of see it as the best-case scenario.

I mean...

at least all my crazy's
under one umbrella, you know?

I kind of know what I'm dealing with.

A lot of people got it worse.

You always were one deep
little son of a bitch.

Wait, wait, wait.
Here we go.

Well, I guess we follow him.

That's weird, right?

I mean, national franchise like Biggerson's
getting meat from a place that looks like...

wholesales Hong Kong knockoffs.

Okay. Yeah.
It's a little weird.

All right, well,

I guess we wait till they close up shop,
go take a look around?

Hang on.




Son of a bitch.

What the hell is going on?

Put him with the others,
if you don't mind.

Edgar. Follow me.

I've been so busy with this experiment,
I didn't even realize you were back.

- It's, uh, big stuff.
- I'm back because of the experiment.

What's happening?
You said you were refining the formula.

Yes. Absolutely.

And it's going great. The absorption
rate is up in lower concentrations.

But it didn't solve our little
issue with adverse reactions.

Well, no.

Not 100%.

Burn them.


But they represent crucial test data.

Where the additive formula went wrong,
where my initial projections failed.

Dick is coming.

Burn them.

There's nothing happening back here at all.

Yeah, okay, Sam. Well, they're pretty dug in,
so why don't you finish circling and head on back?


How's your head?

Well, I think the slammer's pretty much wore off.

In between that and the 20 cups of coffee,
I'm nicely tense and alarmed.

I wasn't talking about that.

Oh, Bobby, don't go all Sigmund Freud
on me right now, okay?

I just got drugged by a sandwich.

I want to talk about your new party line.


What are you talking about?
I don't even vote.

"The world's a suicide case.
We save it, it just steals more pills"?

Bobby, I'm here, okay?
I'm on the case. What's the problem?

I've seen a lot of hunters live and die.

You're starting to talk like
one of the dead ones, Dean.

No, I'm talking the way a person
talks when they've had it,

when they can't figure out why
they used to think all this mattered.

Oh, you poor, sorry...

You're not a person.

- Thanks.
- Come on, now.

You tried to hang it up
and be a person with Lisa and Ben.

And now here you are with a mean
old coot and a van full of guns.

That ain't person behavior, son.
You're a hunter,

meaning you're whatever the job
you're doing today.

Now, you get a case of the Anne Sextons,

something's gonna come up
behind you and rip your fool head off.

Now, you find your reasons
to get back in the game.

I don't care if it's love or spite or a $10 bet.

I've been to enough funerals.
I mean it.

You die before me,
and I'll kill you.

We need to scrape some money together,
get you a condo or something.

Something's up.

Well, I'll be a squirrel in a skirt.

It's Dick frigging Roman.

Who the hell is Dick frigging Roman?

Billionaire Dick Roman, seen here
at a recent press conference,

has been on the corporate-takeover warpath...

in the last several months
and shows no signs of relenting.

I believe in good old American values,

like unlimited growth.

But it's like I always say...
If you want to win,

then you got to be the shark.

And a shark's got to eat.

Well, that's a great question.
Yes, we have made new acquisitions.

I don't believe in hostile takeovers.

I believe in merging...
And coming out on top.

Whether at the helm of his America's cup-winning
yacht or one of his fortune 500 companies,

Roman has never shied away from the spotlight.

Roman's record-breaking series
of motivational seminars,

"When in Rome," have outsold every other
money-making program on the market.

A vocal member of the NRA and a
steadfast supporter of the second amendment,

Roman has started attracting some
conservative political attention, as well.

Roman is ruthless,
but good-looking.

I think he'll make a great candidate.

Another great question. No,

I am not running for
political office at this time.

But I do have a number-one bestseller.

Holy crap.
What the hell is that?

That's one of the top 50
most powerful men in America, Dean.

Says here top 35 as of last month.

Now it's all making sense. Remember when
Crowley kept going on about hating Dick?

I thought he was just being general.

Well, if the Leviathan got to him,

then that means they're playing on
a much bigger board than we were thinking.

So what, then? I mean,
we can't exactly outgun them.

No, but we got the drop on them.

Means we got a chance to figure out
what these guys are really doing here.

Woah. Where'd you get that mother?

It's on loan from Frank's big brother collection.

It'll pick up vocal vibrations
from window glass at half a mile.

Well, it's time to find out
what these ugly bastards are up to.

The patient is put under general anesthesia.

The eye is immobilized,

then a scalpel is used
to sever the optic nerve.

The food additive that I've introduced into the
turducken has a near-100% rate of effectiveness.

Once the subject tries it,
they crave more within a few hours.

With the very first dose,
it starts to work on their DNA,

slowing their metabolism,
causing weight gain,

and dampening their emotional range,
which makes them...

perfectly complacent.

As you can see, they have yet to notice
that grandma is no longer with us.

True, if you leave out a cooked
Patty for more than an hour,

it reverts back to a somewhat, uh,
unappealing state,

but I have yet to have a case of leftovers.

You know what I love?

I mean, besides handball
and a really crisp chardonnay?

I love progress. And I know that
progress comes from collaboration,

which is what makes
moments like this so thrilling.

- I am so glad to hear you say that.
- Now, what can you tell me about your failures?


The ones that went off the rails...

after they ate your little treats.

I, um...
They're, uh...

- They've been very instructive.
- No.

See, I asked for complacency.

Not complacency and a 0.03% margin
of hyperadrenalized cannibalism.

I will have this under control.

"Camping High Season Harshed by Human Burrito"?

Have I ever mentioned how I feel
about our little forays making the papers?

But, again, collaboration.


I want to turn this little mistake
into a big fat teachable moment.

Will you help me with that?

Well... yes.

Of course.

Our side's still dead, Bobby.
Anything with you?

Yeah, same here.

I got...

Hold on.

Yeah, I got movement...
my side, second floor,

meeting room.

And I'll reschedule with
the senator for lunch Tuesday.

You can deal with the
archdiocese in the afternoon.


Dick, please, let me explain to you
what our program has to offer.

No. Let me explain why we're
shutting your program down.

We're shutting it down?
No, you can't...

I'm shutting it down
because of the one golden rule.

- Do you know it?
- Yes. "Don't make the papers."

- And I promise that...
- No, the golden rule is...

"There's no such thing as monsters."

Anything stirs their little pots
to the contrary very bad for our plans.

So, how can I use your mistake
to communicate this to all your coworkers?

Listen, sir, I will do anything.
I will give anything to make this right.

I know you will.

You're bibbing me?

Do you know what you can give us, doctor?

Your example.

- What's happening now?
- Wait.

Now, doc.
It's time.

Now I have officially seen it all.

- Bobby, what is it?
- He's making the doctor eat himself.

- What?
- He's...

They got him.

Dean, there are at least
four Leviathans out there.

We don't even know how to kill one.

Well, it'll be quite a shock when we walk
in through the front door, won't it?

We'll have the jet on standby at O'Hare.

Thursday morning, you close on
the land acquisition in Gleason.

- Fine.
- And this came this afternoon.

- Sotheby's.
- Outstanding!

Thank you, Susan.

Oh, and Susan?

No, you're not tied up.
Why waste the effort?

We both know that you're not gonna
get past me. How's your head?

So you got Dick Roman.

We can have whoever we want.

We could have you, for example.

- If you were worth the effort.
- Oh, you're hurting my feelings.

Well, it's a hard world, Bob.
It's an us-eat-dog world.

- What do you got there?
- Winning bid at auction.


Known for their peerless sighting.

- I imagine you appreciate guns.
- I'd appreciate one right about now.

But I mean the machine, the idea.

Just one of your species most inspired inventions.
I mean it. I really think you guys have spunk.

You're like a planet of just
the cutest little engines that could.


like the late, great, actual
Dick Roman used to say...

to the whores he'd kick out
of the presidential suite...

cute don't quite hack it, sugar.

Oh, let's just cut to the chase.

I clearly ain't worth the extra
time I'm getting here.

I'm gonna eat you, Bob.

Yes. But I like my meals prepared.

Besides, holding on to you
could pay big dividends.

I bet your friends are on their
way to rescue the damsel.

Nah, they're too smart.

They know they don't have the numbers.
It'd be suicide. I've run my race.

Could die worse.

I'd stay in the chair.

Okay, sons of bitches.

See what you're up to now.

You're coming with me.


that is not how we communicate
from a place of yes.

That was bracing.
Where'd you kids find this stuff?


That's mine.

Go! Go!

Would you stop it with that stuff?

Damn it, where's Bobby?

Bobby! Come on!
Come on! Come on!

Go! Go!

Son of a bitch!

I'm glad you got in.

He almost took your freaking head off.

Hey, Bobby, your hat.


- Oh, God. Bobby?!
- Bobby?!



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