Supernatural (2005–…): Season 5, Episode 9 - The Real Ghostbusters - full transcript

Like a good, little soldier?

Are you that desperate
for his approval?

This isn't you talking,
sam.

That's the difference
between you and me.

I have a mind of my own.
i'm not pathetic like you.

Before dad died,
he told me something.

He said that i might
have to kill you, sam.

What the hell is that
supposed to mean?
i don't know.

We're talking
about the colt, right?

If you are still set

On the insane task
of killing the devil,



This is how we do it.

You guys are larping,
aren't you?
excuse me?

Live-action
role-playing.

You're fans.
fans of what?

"supernatural"
by carver edlund.

Sera: his name's chuck shurley.
and he's a genius.

I'm dean.
this is sam.

The dean and sam
you've been writing about.

Chuck: i write things
and then they come to life.

Obviously i'm a god.
he's a prophet of the lord.

You. you're...

Carver edlund, yeah.
hi, becky.

I am
your number-one fan.

But i know that "supernatural"
is just a book, okay?



becky, it's all real.
i knew it!

You okay, lady?

[ voice breaking ]
sam...is it really you?

[ breathing shakily ]

[ laughing ]
and you're so firm.
uh...

[ engine revs, tires screech ]

Dean. come on!

Chuck!
there you are.

Guys.

What's going on?

Uh, nothing.

You know, just, um,
i was kind of hangin'.

What are you guys
doing here?

You told us to come.

Uh, no, i didn't.

Yeah, you did.
you texted me --

This address,
"life-or-death situation."

Any of this ringing a bell?

No, i-i-i didn't
send you a text.

We drove all night.

I'm sorry. i-i-i don't
understand what could --

Oh, no.
what?

Sam! you made it!

Ohh!

Sam: oh, uh...

Becky, right?

Oh. you remembered.

You've been thinking
about me.

I...

It's okay.

I can't get you
out of my head, either.

Um, did you take my phone?

I just borrowed it.
from your pants.

[ sighs ] becky.
what?

They're gonna
want to see it.

See what? see what?

Oh, my god.

I love it when they talk
at the same time!

Hey, chuck!
come on, pal. it's showtime.

Guys, i'm sorry.

For everything.

[ chuck groans ]

[ footsteps depart ]

?i just found my way ?

?but that's all
i'm ever gonna change ?

?and have a groggy day ?

[ laughs ]

Hey, dean!
lookin' good!

Who the hell are you?

I'm dean, too.

Duh. [ scoffs ]

Uh-oh.
it's sam and dean.

I'm in trouble now.
have fun, you two.

[ growls ]

?topsy-turvy, baby... ?

What?

?i say, miss topsy-turvy
sure does got me in a spin ?

?you got me... ?

Becky, what is this?

It's awesome!

A "supernatural" convention.
the first ever.

[ indistinct conversations ]

Welcome to the first annual
"supernatural" convention.

At 3:45 in the magnolia room,

We have the panel

"frightened little boy:
the secret life of dean."

And at 4:30,

There's the homoerotic subtext
of "supernatural."

Oh, and, of course, the big hunt
starts at 7:00 p.m. sharp.

[ cheers and applause ]

Whoo!

Okay, but -- but right now --

Right now i'd like
to introduce the man himself.

The creator and the writer
of the "supernatural" books,

The one, the only...

Carver edlund!

[ cheers and applause ]

Uh -- oh.
[ feedback squeals ]

Uh, okay, good.

This isn't nearly
as awkward as i --

[ clears throat ]
it's a little dry mouth.

[ clears throat ]

Okay, uh...
[ clears throat ]

So, i guess, uh...

Questions?

Um, you?

Hey, mr. edlund.
uh, big fan.

Wow. okay.
i was just wondering --

Where'd you come up with sam
and dean in the first place?

Oh, uh, i, uh...

It just...came to me.

Okay, uh...

Yeah, the, uh...

Hook man.

[ german accent ]
uh, yeah.

Why, in every fight scene,

Sam and dean are having
their gun or knife

Knocked away
by the bad guy?

Why don't they keep it
on some kind of bungee?

Uh, uh...

Yeah,
i-i-i really don't know.

Yeah, follow-up --

Why can't sam and dean
be telling that ruby is evil?

I mean, she is clearly
manipulating sam

Into some kind
of moral lapse.

It's obvious, nein?

Hey! if you don't like the
books, don't read 'em, fritz!

Okay, okay, just, uh --

Uh, okay. it's okay.

So, uh, so, next question.

Uh, uh, y-yeah, you.

Yeah, at the end
of the last book,

Dean goes to hell.

So, what happens next?

Oh, w-well, there lies
an announcement, a-actually.

Um...

You're all gonna find out.

Um, thanks to a wealthy
scandinavian investor...

We're gonna
start publishing again.

[ cheers and applause ]

[ whistling ]

Man: sweet lord, yes!

I got you
a yellow-eyed cooler.

Thanks, chuck.

Sure.

[ clears throat ]

So, becky, uh...

I was wondering, um,
are you doing anyth--

Oh, hi, sam!

[ sighs ]

In case you haven't noticed,
our plates are kind of full.

Okay? finding the colt,
hunting the devil.

We don't have time
for this crap!

Hey, i didn't call you.

He means the books, chuck.

Why are you publishing
more books?

Um, for food and shelter?

Who gave you the rights
to our life story?

An archangel.
and i didn't want it.

Well, deal's off, okay?
no more books.

Our lives are not
for public consumption.

Uh, becky, would you
excuse us for just a second?

Uh-huh.

Do you guys know
what i do for a living?

Yeah, chuck, we know.

Then, could you tell me?
'cause i don't.

All right,
i'm not a good writer,

I've got
no marketable skills,

I'm not some hero
who can just hit the road

And fight monsters, okay?

Until the world ends,
i got to live, all right?

And the "supernatural" books
are all i've got.

What else
do you want me to do?

[ woman screams ]

No. guys! wait!

Sam: hey, lady.
hey, you okay?

I think so.
what happened?

I saw a ghost.
[ as sam ] a ghost?

Ma'am, could you tell us
what it looked like?

Why don't you leave this
to the grown-ups, pal?

A woman.

She was in
an old-fashioned dress.

Really old.

Maid: like a schoolmarm
or something.

[ as sam ] did she say
something to you?

Okay.

Gather close, everybody,

For a terrifying tale
of terror!

I saw a ghost.

None other than the ghost
of leticia gore herself!

I was on the third floor
when i...

Ooh, the larping's started.

The --
what is that again?

Live-action role-playing.
it's a game.

The convention puts it on.

Maid: ...terror gripping
my heart with its icy...

"dad's journal --
dear sam and dean,

"this hotel is haunted.
you must hunt down the ghost.

"interview witnesses,
discover clues,

"and find the bones.

"first team to do so
wins a $50 gift card to sizzler.

Love, dad."

You guys are so gonna win.
[ giggles ]

Why, yes,
agents lennon and mccartney,

As manager
of this fine establishment,

I can assure you
that it is indeed haunted.

This building
was once an orphanage

Run by mean, old
leticia gore.

100 years ago
this very night,

Miss gore went insane

And butchered
four little boys

Before killing herself.

Now folks say that the souls
of those poor, little boys

Are trapped here

And that the evil spirit
of miss gore punishes them

To this...very...day.

Well, that's just about
all the community theater

I can take.

Yeah, this cannot get
any weirder.

[ as dean ] dad said --

He said
i may have to kill you.

Barnes:
[ as sam ] kill me?

What the hell
does that mean?

I don't know.

Ohh.

Both: i need a drink.

The emf's going nuts.

Woman: [ as leticia gore ]
whoo-o-o-o-o!

I'm mean, old leticia gore.

They buried me
in the basement.

Whoo-o-o-o-o.

[ scoffs ]

Ow. you got me.

[ normal voice ]
you're supposed to vanish.

[ normal voice ]
how am i supposed to vanish?

[ as sam ] yeah, okay, dean.
we'll see you in five.

Hey, but seriously, dude,
don't eat my skittles.

Help us.

Help us. miss gore
won't let us have any fun.

This is part
of the game, right?

Holy mother of crap!

[ breathing heavily ]

That...was --

Aah! aah! ugh!

[ grunting ]

Naughty!
naughty! naughty!

Aah!

[ breathing heavily ]

?signin' autographs,
makin' people laugh ?

[ exhales sharply ]

[ clears throat ]

How you doin'?

Busy.

Well, you sure look
lovely tonight,

Especially
for a dead chick.

Buddy,
i have heard that line

17 times tonight, okay?

And all from dudes wearing
macgyver jackets.

[ chuckles ]

But you seem different.

How so?

Well, you don't seem
scared of women.

Alex: for the last time,
i'm not making this up, okay?

She -- she's upstairs.
a real, live, dead ghost!

Excuse me.

Look, i'm sure it was
just one of the actors.

Who beat the crap out of me
and then vanished?

You saw something?

Look, this isn't
part of the game, jerk.

Tim, i'm getting out of here,
and you should do the same.

Alex, wait. i --

What do you think?

I don't think that guy's a good
enough actor to be acting.

Why, yes,
agents jagger and richards,

As the manager
of this fine establishment,

I can assure you
it is indeed haunted.

The building
was once an orphanage

Run by mean, old
leticia gore.

Excuse us. mind if we ask you
a few questions?

Look, i don't have time
to play "star wars," guys.

Go ask the guy
in the ascot.

Actually, we, uh...

really want to talk to you.

[ laughing ] okay.
you guys are really into this.

You have no idea.

What do you
want to know?

All this stuff
they're saying --

Place being haunted,
leticia gore.

Any truth to it?

We generally don't like
to publicize this

To, you know, normal people.

But, yeah, in 1909, this place
was called gore orphanage.

Miss gore killed four boys
with a butcher knife,

Then offed herself.

And is tonight
really the anniversary?

Yep. guess your convention folks
wanted authenticity.

Huh.

There been any sightings?

Uh, over the years, yeah.

A few maids have quit,

Saying they heard the boys
or saw them.

A janitor
even saw miss gore once.

Where did miss gore
carve up the kids?

Look, i don't want you stomping
all over the joint.

A lot of this place
is off-limits to nerds.

The attic.

[ sam grunts ]

[ static hissing ]

The emf's going nuts.

Great.

So, we got a real ghost,

And a bunch of dudes, pretending
to be us, poking at it.

No way this ends well.

You know what?
serves them right.

Dean.

Well, i'm just saying.

[ as dean ] it's got to
be around here someplace.

Barnes: [ normal voice ]
yeah, i don't know, man.

No one else
is looking for the attic.

[ normal voice ]
okay, all right, dude.

One, stay in character,
all right?

If it's just me,
i look stupid.

And, two,
you heard the guy downstairs.

I think this
is part of the game.

Help us.

Oh, my god!

That makeup is amazing.

Demian: amateur.

Stay...in...character.

Sorry. [ clears throat ]
[ as sam ] sorry.

Help us. miss gore
won't let us have any fun.

[ as dean ]
where's the body buried, kid?

We'll light her up
nice and toasty.

Yeah.

Wow. fast runner.

Dude.

Check this out.

Oh, that is creepy.

Must've been what
he was trying to tell us.

Gee, you think, sammy?

[ normal voice ] okay, this
is the coolest game ever.

[ both laughing ]

[ clears throat ] yes.

My mommy loves me.

I said my mommy loves me.

I'm sure she does.

My mommy loves me
this much.

[ exhales deeply ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

[ sighs ]

[ sighs ]

Awesome.

All right, so...

That was a guy with the county
historical society.

And?

Not only did leticia gore
butcher four boys,

But one of them
was her own son.

Her son?
yeah.

According to the police
at the time,

She scalped the poor kid.

Oh, that's it. i'm
gonna deep-fry this
bitch extra-crispy.

Dude say
where she was buried?
he doesn't know.

Barnes:
[ as sam ] check it out.

There's the orphanage,
here's the carriage house.

And right there, cemetery.

[ as dean ] you think that's
where leticia's planted?

It's worth a shot.

Hey. ooh. hey, hey!
hey, do you mind?

It's real.
a century old, at least.

And he's right. there is
a cemetery on the grounds.

Where'd you get that?

It's called a game, pal.

It ain't called "charity."

All right, give me
the map, chuckles.

Oh, you're the chuckles...

Chuckles.

Besides, dean
don't listen to nobody.

Dean...cool it.

Dean.

What?
they're friggin' annoying.

Look, guys, we all want
to find the bones, right?

We just thought it would go
faster if we all work together.

[ clears throat ]

[ normal voice ] we, uh,
we get the sizzler gift card.

Fine.

[ normal voice ] and we
get to be sam and dean.

Fine.

Yes.

Hey, rufus, bobby,
would you hurry it up?

You okay?

I'm trying to be.

Barnes: so, where were we?

Demian: uh, dr. ellicott
had just zapped your brain.

Right. got it.
[ clears throat ]

[ as sam ]
why are we even here, dean?

Do you just follow
in dad's footsteps

Like a good, little soldier?

Are you that desperate
for approval?

[ as dean ]
this isn't you talking, sam.

See, that's the difference
between you and me.

I got a mind of my own.
i'm not pathetic.

So, what are you gonna do, sam?
you gonna kill me?

Man, i am so sick of you
telling me what to do!

Oh, you know what?
that -- that's it.

That is it.

[ normal voice ]
what's wrong, bobby?

I'm not bobby, okay?

You're not sam.

You're not dean!

What is wrong with you?

Why in the hell would you
choose to be these guys?

[ normal voice ]
because we're fans, like you.

No.

I am not a fan, okay?
not fans.

In fact, i think that the
"dean and sam" story sucks!

It is not fun.
it's not entertaining.

It is a river of crap

That would send most people
howling to the nuthouse!

So, you listen to me.

Their pain is not
for your amusement.

I mean, do you think
that they enjoy

Being treated like --
like circus freaks?

Uh, i don't think they care,

Because they're
fictional characters.

Oh, they care.

Believe me.

They care a lot.

Sam: he, uh...

He takes the story
really seriously.

Found the four boys.
and here's leticia gore.

[ demian clears throat ]

Uh, what are you guys
doing?

[ as dean ] uh, we're looking
for bones, genius.

They got to
be around here somewhere.

Okay, generally,
bones are in the ground.

Yeah.

I know that.
i'm just --

[ normal voice ]
wait. hold on.

Are you guys serious?
deadly.

We're -- we're not really
digging up graves, you guys.

We're just
playing the game, so --

Trust us.

You want to win the game,
right?

[ dean grunting ]

[ taps coffin ]

[ wind whistling ]

[ dean grunts ]

Ohh!

That's, uh,
not a plastic skeleton.

that's a skeleton skeleton.

You just dug up
a real grave.

Yeah.

You guys are nuts.

I thought you said you guys
wanted to be hunters.

Hunters aren't real, man.

This isn't real.
oh, my god.

You guys have just seriously
lost your grip on this --

What?

Naughty!
naughty! naughty!

[ both screaming ]

Barnes!

Oh, my god!

Naughty!
naughty! naughty!

[ barnes and demian screaming ]

Aah!

[ grunts ]

Real enough for you?

?well, she ought to
come on home ?

[ exhales sharply ]

That was...

Really...

Awful, right?
exactly.

Round's on us, guys.

See you around.

Hey. how did you know
how to do all that?

We, um...

We read the books.

Hey, chuck.

Good luck with
the "supernatural" books.

And screw you very much.

Fans of yours?

Hmm. i'd say no.

That's weird.

Definitely.

[ grunts ] anything?

Every exit's locked.
almost like...

...something's keeping us in?
yeah.

This is bad.

Gee, you think, sammy?

[ woman screams ]

Don't go in there!

Get downstairs, okay?
go. go!

Why'd you do that?

Why did you send
my mommy away?

Uh, maybe because of the
high-and-tight she gave you.

Yeah?
how 'bout some thanks?

[ clears throat ]
well, i'm just saying,

A little gratitude might
be nice once in a while.

My mommy
didn't do this to me.

What? then, who did?

[ creaking ]

[ sighs ]

Yeah. how original.

"supernatural" bringing you
more creepy children.

Sigh.

Miss gore wouldn't
let us have any fun.

You look nothing
like real ghosts.

Just telling you.

But miss gore's gone,

And now we can have
all kinds of fun.

gott im himmel!

Well, guys, i guess
we're -- we're out of time.

So thank you for your incredibly
probing and rigorous questions,

And have a good --

Hey.

What?! holy crap!

You got to keep everyone
safe in here, chuck.

This is life-or-death.

For how long?
as long as it takes.

Well, how the hell
am i supposed to do that?

I don't know, man.

Just do it.

Okay, so, uh...

Good news.

Uh, i got much more
to tell you...i guess.

Awesome.

Buddy, i got work to do.
you're gonna want
to see this. trust me.

It's gonna be
a hell of a show, huh?

Here we go.
here we go.

Chuck: certainly, there are
a lot of nice witches, too.

Uh, what does the future hold
for sam and dean?

Well, uh, how do you feel
about angels?

Yeah, you know,
because, let me tell you,

They're not nearly as lame
as you think.

Okay, new theory.

The legends about leticia
are ass-backwards, obviously.

Yeah, so, all right,
let's say those three orphans

Were -- were playing
cowboys and indians.

Larping as cowboys
and indians.

Whatever -- and let's say
they scalped leticia's son

And killed him.

Mom catches them in the act,
flips out,

Slices them,
and dices herself.

If that's true, it means

We got three bloodthirsty brats
in the building.

Yeah, and leticia was the only
one keeping them under control.

Until we took her out.
smooth move on our part.

All right, well, we got to
get back to the cemetery

And torch the kids' bones.

How? we're trapped.

We don't even have our guns.

The ghosts
are running this joint,

And they were only scared
of one thing.

Exactly.

You want me to do what?

You're an actress, okay?
we just want you to act.

I work at hooters
in toledo.

You can forget it.

You'll be safe. we promise.

But this is really important.

We want to help.

Just give her
the puppy-dog thing, okay?

Guys, no.

Why not?

Because this isn't
make-believe.

Look, we know.
we're not nuts.

We're freakin' terrified.

Yeah, but if all these people
are seriously in trouble,

We got to
do something.

Why?

Because...

That's what sam and dean
would do.

Uh, no, there's really
no such thing

As a croatoan virus
for, you know, down there.

Um...

You really should see a doctor.

Uh...

I-i don't want to do this.

I'm right here, sweetheart.
i got your back.

Trust me.
this is gonna work.

Boys!

Boys!

Come here, this instant!

You come when i call you!

Do you understand me?!

Boy: miss gore?

Push.

You boys...

Have been very naughty.

Now, you open the doors.

Open the doors right now!

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Go!

You're very naughty.
you hear me?

[ both grunting ]

Naughty, naughty, naughty.

[ ringtone playing
hip-hop music ]

Ugh! damn it!

[ ringtone continues ]

[ ringtone stops ]

Run.
[ gasps ]

[ breathing heavily ]
oh, my god.

"supernatural"
makes digging graves...

Seem so easy.

It's not, though.

I'm gonna throw up.

No, you're not.

Thanks.

Sam!

Let's see. uh, what else?

I fell in love
for the first time at 16.

Lost my virginity, actually.

But then she went around telling
everybody it didn't count, so...

That's kind of
[clears throat] funny.

Uh...excuse me!

Y-you really can't leave.

Please, sir.

Don't open that door!

I said no one leaves, damn it!

Now, somebody salt this door!

How come dean
can always light

This stupid thing
on the first freakin' try?!

Come on!

Dean!

[ gasps ]

You know, maybe that guy was right.

maybe we should put
these things on a bungee.

And i got to
hand it to you, guys.

You really saved our asses
back there.

So, uh, you know...

Thanks.

Gosh, i don't
even know your names.

Oh. well, i'm barnes.

This is demian.

What's yours?

Dean.
the real dean.

[ snorts ]

[ both laughing ]

Yeah, right!

me too!
get the hell
out of here, dean.

Well, anyway,
uh, thanks.

Really.

Demian:
you're wrong, you know.

Sorry?

About "supernatural."

No offense,

But i'm not sure you get
what the story's about.

Is that so?

All right, look,
in real life,

He sells stereo equipment,

I fix copiers.

Our lives suck.

But to be sam and dean...

To wake up every morning
and save the world...

To have a brother
who would die for you...

well,
who wouldn't want that?

Maybe you got a point.

Well, you know, you two don't
make a bad team yourselves.

How do you know each other,
anyway?

Oh, uh, well,
we met online.

"supernatural" chat room.

Oh.

Well, it must be nice to get
out of your parents' basement

And make some friends.

We're more than friends.

We're partners.

Oh.

Well...
[ clears throat ]

Howdy, partners.

Howdy.

Look, sam...

I'm not gonna lie.

We had undeniable chemistry.

But like a monkey on the sun,
it was too hot to live.

It can't go on.

Chuck and i --
we found each other.

My yin to his proud yang.

And, well, the heart wants
what the heart wants.

I am so, so sorry.

Yeah, sam.

You know, sorry.

Will you be all right?

[ sighs ]

Honestly, i don't know.

I'll just have to --

To find a way to keep living,
i guess.

God bless you.

[ both chuckle ]

Okay, um, oh, hey, chuck,

Look, if you really want
to publish more books,

I guess
that's okay with us.

Wow. really?

No, not really. we have guns,
and we'll find you.

Okay, okay.

No more books.

See you around.

Sam! wait!
one more thing!

In chapter 33 of "supernatural:
time is on my side,"

There was that girl bela.

She was british
and a cat burglar.

Yeah, i know.

She stole the colt
from you,

And then she "said"
she gave it to lilith, remember?

Yeah.

Well, you know
she lied, right?

She never really
gave it to lilith.

Wait, what?

Didn't you read the book?

There was this one scene

Where bela gives the colt
to a demon named crowley,

Lilith's right-hand man --

I think her lover, too.

Crowley?

Didn't occur to you
to tell us this before?

I'm sorry.
i didn't remember.

I'm not as big of a fan
as she is.

Becky...

Tell me everything.

[ giggles ]

You okay?

Yeah, you know.

I think i'm good.

Well, you're not
gonna believe it,

But i got a lead
on the colt.

What?

Long story.
tell you on the way?

What are we waiting for?

[ rock music plays ]

Chuck: like a lot of authors,

I started writing
because of love.

Yeah, i had a huge crush
on nancy mckeon,

Who played jo
on "the facts of life."

I must have written her
like 40 to 50 letters.

She never wrote back.

I don't think the benders
made flesh suits

Out of all their victims, so...

Maybe just like
a couple scarves.

Actually, my favorite movie
was "beaches."

Hillary and c.c. were just...

So brave.

So strong.

The way i look at it,

It's really
not jumping the shark

If you never come back down,
you know?