Supernatural (2005–…): Season 5, Episode 16 - Dark Side of the Moon - full transcript

BOBBY: Come on, how many times
have you two died anyway?

No!

There is someone besides Michael
strong enough to take on Lucifer.

- Who's that?
- God.

I'm gonna find God.

- What is it you want?
- An amulet.

It burns hot in God's presence.
It'll help me find him.

- I got nothing like that.
- You don't.

YOUNG DEAN: What is it?
YOUNG SAM: Bobby gave it to me.

- He said it was real special.
YOUNG DEAN: Thank you, Sam. I love it.

- May I borrow it?
- No.



Dean, give it to me.

Don't lose it.

ROY:
Looking for this?

[SIGHS]

- Morning.
ROY: Shut up.

Hands where I can see them.

Wait a minute.

Is that you, Roy?

It is, isn't it?

Which makes you Walt. Hey, Walt.

WALT:
Don't matter.

Well, is it me or do you two
seem a tad upset?

You think you can flip the switch
on the apocalypse...

and just walk away, Sam?



- Who told you that?
- We ain't the only hunters after you.

- See you in the next life.
- Hear me out. I can explain. Okay?

Please.

Stay the hell down.

Shoot him.

- Killing Sam was right, but Dean...
- He made us...

and we just snuffed his brother,
you idiot.

You wanna spend your life knowing
Dean's on your ass? Because I don't.

Shoot him.

Go ahead, Roy. Do it.

But I'm gonna warn you,
when I come back...

I'm gonna be pissed.

Come on.

Let's get this show on the road.

Come on already.

[BOB DYLAN'S "KNOCKIN' ON HEAVEN'S
DOOR" PLAYING OVER RADIO]

I can't shoot them anymore

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

That long black cloud is comin' down

[GASPS]

- Sammy?
- Come on. Let's go.

Weird dream.

Got your lighter?

- Whoa. I haven't seen this in years.
- Fire them up.

I remember this.

This is Fourth of July, 1996.

Dad would never let us do anything
like this.

Thanks, Dean. This is great.

Fire in the hole!

Sam?

[RADIO CRACKLES]

CASTIEL [OVER RADIO]:
Dean.

- Cass?
- Yeah, it's me.

Stop poking around in my dreams.
I need some me time.

Listen to me very closely.
This isn't a dream.

- Then what is it?
- Deep down, you already know.

- I'm dead.
- Condolences.

- Where am I?
- Heaven.

Heaven?

- How did I get to heaven?
- Please, listen.

This spell, this connection,
it's difficult to maintain.

Wait. If I'm in heaven...

then where's Sam?

What do you see?

- What do you mean?
- Some people see a tunnel or a river.

- What do you see?
- Nothing. My dash.

- I'm in my car, I'm on a road.
- All right, a road.

For you, it's a road.
Follow it, Dean. You'll find Sam.

[BREAKING UP]
Follow... Road.

Thank you.

So, Sam,
I hear you're new to McKinley.

Um, yes, sir. Two weeks.

Stephanie over here just
can't seem to stop talking about you.

Dad, shut up.

[SAM CLEARS THROAT]

Wow. Just, wow.

Dean?

What are you doing in my dream?

So, what does your father do
for a living?

You don't say.

Heaven?

- Yeah.
GIRL: Are there marshmallows in this?

Okay, how are we in heaven?

- All that clean living, I guess.
- No, no. Um, okay.

You, I get. Sure.

But me?

Maybe you haven't noticed...

- but, um, I've done a few things.
- You thought you were doing right.

It wasn't the road to heaven
that was paved with good intentions.

Yeah, well, if this is the SkyMall,
it sucks.

I mean, where's the triplets
and the latex, you know?

- Come on, a guy has needs.
WOMAN: I'm glad you like the beans.

When you bite dust, they say
your life flashes before your eyes.

Your point?

This house. It's one of my memories.

When I woke up,
I woke up in one of my memories.

The Fourth of July that
we burned down that field.

Maybe that's what heaven is. A place
where you relive your greatest hits.

Wait, so playing footsie
with brace-face in there...

- that's a trophy moment for you?
- Dean, I was 11 years old.

- This was my first real Thanksgiving.
- What? We had Thanksgiving every year.

We had a bucket of extra-crispy
and Dad passed out on the couch.

[RUMBLING]

I don't remember this.

DEAN:
Hey.

- We should, uh...
- Yeah. Definitely.

GIRL:
Yummy green beans, Mom.

Okay. Uh, what the hell was that?

I don't know, but we are taking
the escalator back downstairs.

Cass!

- What are you doing?
- What's it look like?

Like you've lost your mind.

Cass talked to me before using this
"phone home" radio thing, so...

- Cass!
CASTIEL [ON TV]: I can hear you.

Cass, hey.

So, uh, I found Sam,
but something just happened.

- There was this weird beam of light.
- Don't go into the light.

Okay, thanks, Carol Anne.
What was it?

Not what, who. Zachariah.
He's searching for you.

And if he finds us?

You can't say yes to Lucifer
if you're dead...

so Zachariah needs to return you
to your bodies.

- Great. Problem solved.
- No, you don't understand.

You're behind the wall.
This is a rare opportunity.

- For what?
- Find an angel. His name is Joshua.

Hey, man, no offense,
but we are kind of ass-full of angels.

- You find him.
- I can't.

I can't return to heaven.

So, what's so important
about Joshua?

The rumor is he talks to God.

And? So?

You think maybe, just maybe...

we should find out
what the hell God has been saying?

- Jeez. Touchy.
- Please.

I just need you to follow the road.

What road?

Axis Mundi,
a path that runs through heaven.

People see it as different things.
For you, it's two-lane asphalt.

The road will lead you to the garden.
You'll find Joshua there.

And Joshua can take us to God.

The garden.

Please hurry.

[TV SHUTS OFF]

[SAM SIGHS]

So, what do you think?

I think we hit the yellow bricks,
find this Joshua cat.

Really?

- What, you don't?
- No, uh, I'm just surprised you do.

You wanted to break God's nose.
Now you think he can help?

He's the only one who can.

I mean, come on, Sam.
We are royally boned.

So, prayer?
The last hope of a desperate man.

SAM:
Wasn't there a street out here?

There was.

Dean? What are you doing?

- Looking for a road.
- You're...

You think the road is in a closet?

We're in heaven, Sam, okay?

Our memories are coming true,
Cass is on TV.

Finding a road in a closet would be the
most normal thing to happen to us today.

What?

DEAN:
I used to have one of these...

when I was a kid.

That was the road?

I guess.

[DEAN SCOFFS]

- Pretty trippy, right?
- Yeah.

More trippy, um...

apparently you "wuv hugz."

- Shut up.
- Ha, ha.

Wait a minute. I know where we are.

Where?

- We're home.
MARY: Dean.

Hey, Dean. You hungry?

You want the crusts cut off?

Yeah. I... I'd love that.

Mom?

Guess it's not your memory, Sam.
Sorry.

Dean, uh, we should go.

- Keep looking for the road.
- I know. Just give me a minute, okay?

- Dean.
- Sam. Please, one minute.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

No, John.

We're not having
this conversation again.

Time to think? About what?

You have two boys at home.

I remember this.

Mom and Dad were fighting.
He moved out for a couple days.

Dad always said
they had the perfect marriage.

- It wasn't perfect until after she died.
MARY: Fine, then don't.

There's nothing more to talk about.

What happens next?

It's okay, Mom.

Dad still loves you.

I love you too.

I'll never leave you.

[MARY SNIFFLES]

You are my little angel.

How about some pie? Okay?

What?

I just never realized how long
you've been cleaning up Dad's messes.

Whatever. Let's keep moving.

I've seen this somewhere before.

Where?

Where are we?

No way.

[DOG WHINES]

Bones! Hey, come here. Come here.

Hey.

- Bones?
- Yeah.

Bones was my dog.

Hey.

- Your... Your dog?
- Yeah.

- Is this Flagstaff?
- Yeah. Hey, boy.

- This is a good memory for you?
- Yeah.

I was on my own for two weeks.
I lived off of Funyuns and Mr. Pibb.

Wow.

- What?
- Well, you don't remember, do you?

You ran away on my watch.

I looked everywhere for you.
I thought you were dead.

And when Dad came home... Heh.

Dean, look, I'm sorry.
I never thought about it like that.

Forget it. Let's roll.

[SIGHS]

[BONES WHINES]

Stay. Bonesy, stay.

[SIGHS]

What memory is this?

No idea.

All right, come on.

Dean. Road, God, remember?

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

This?

This is the night you ditched us
for Stanford, isn't it?

This is your idea of heaven?

Wow.

This is one of the worst nights
of my life.

I can't control this stuff.

Seriously?
This is a happy memory for you?

I don't know. I was on my own.
I finally got away from Dad.

Yeah, he wasn't the only one
you got away from.

Dean, I'm sorry. I just, uh...

No, I know.
You didn't think of it like that.

- Dean...
- Come on.

Your heaven is somebody else's
Thanksgiving, okay?

It's bailing on your family.
What do you want me to say?

Look, man.

I never got the crusts cut off
my PB and J.

I just don't look at family
the way you do. I...

- Yeah, but I'm your family.
- I know.

It's supposed to be you and me
against the world, right?

Dean, it is.

Is it?

Go, go, go.

Wow.

Running from angels, on foot...

in heaven.

With thinking like that...

I'm surprised you boys haven't
stopped the apocalypse already.

Guys. What's the problem?

I just wanna send you back to Earth,
that's all.

I mean, that is, after I tear you
a cosmos of new ones.

You're on my turf now, boys.

And by the time I'm through with you,
you're gonna be begging to say yes.

SAM:
Hurry.

Guys. Come on.
You can run, but you can't run.

Shh.

Hurry. This way.

SAM:
Wait. Who are you?

Buenos dias, bitches.

DEAN:
Ash?

Welcome to my blue heaven.

[CHUCKLES]

God, the Roadhouse.
It even smells the same.

ASH:
Bud, blood and beer nuts.

It's the best smell in the world.

How about a cold one?

Up here, no hangover.

So... Heh.

I mean, no offense...

How's a dirtbag like me
end up in a place like this?

Been saved, man.

I was my congregation's number one
snake handler.

- And you said this was, uh, your heaven?
- Yep, my own personal.

[ASH BURPS]

And when the angels jumped us,
we were...

- In your heaven.
- So there are two heavens?

No, more like 100 billion.

So no worries, it'll take them angel boys
a minute to catch up.

What?

See, you gotta stop thinking of heaven
as one place.

It's more like a buttload of places,
all crammed together.

Like Disneyland,
except without all the anti-Semitism.

- Disneyland?
- Mm-hm.

Yeah. See, you got Winchesterland,
Ashland...

a whole mess
of Everybody-Else-Lands.

Put them all together: Heaven.
Right?

At the center of it all
is the Magic Kingdom.

The garden.

- So everybody gets a slice of paradise?
- Pretty much.

A few people share.
Special cases, whatnot.

What do you mean, special?

Oh, you know, like soulmates.

Anyways, most people
can't leave their own private Idahos.

- But you ain't most people.
- Nope. They ain't got my skills.

Hell, I been all over.

Johnny Cash, Andre the Giant...

Einstein.

Sam, that man can mix
a White Russian.

Hell, the other day
I found Mallanaga Vatsyayana's.

- Who?
- Wrote the Kama Sutra.

That boy's heaven?
Oh. Sweaty, confusing.

All this from a guy
who used to sleep on a pool table.

Yeah. Now that I'm dead, I'm living,
man, a whole lot more.

So how'd you find us?

I rigged up my very own
holy-rolling police scanner.

[HIGH-PITCHED DRONING]

That's angels, blabbing Enochian.

Okay? I'm fluent.

I heard that you were up,
of course I had to come find you.

Again.

- Again?
ASH: Ain't the first time you've been.

I mean, you boys die
more than anyone I have ever met.

Really?

Oh, yeah. You don't remember.

God, angels.
Must have Windexed your brains.

So, uh, I mean,
have you found anybody else?

Ellen and Jo?

Ellen and Jo are dead?

Uh, yeah. Yeah. A few months now.

I'm sorry.

Yeah. Um, ahem...

Uh, they went down fighting.

Yeah. To the end.

Yeah, a lot of good it did.

What about our folks?

I've been looking all over
for John Winchester, Mary too.

So far, nada.

I'm sorry.

But hey, there is somebody who I know
for sure wants to jaw with you.

Hold up.

Pamela.

- Nice to see you boys again.
- Ooh.

[HIGH-PITCHED DRONING]

So this is how you get around
up here?

Mm. More or less.

This is awesome to finally have a
practical application for string theory.

So.

So.

That's for getting me killed.

Yeah, that's probably
less than I deserve.

If it makes you feel better,
we got Ash killed too.

ASH: I'm cool with it.
- He's cool with it.

So, you...

- Are you good?
- I'm good.

Really.

Remember my death scene?
Gut shot, coughing blood.

You told me
I was going someplace better.

- I was lying.
- You were right.

My heaven, it is one long show
at the Meadowlands.

It's amazing. You should see it.

Yeah.

- Huh. You don't believe me.
- No, I do.

It's just, you know, spending eternity
trapped in your own little universe...

while the angels run the show.
That's lonely.

You know? That's not nirvana,
that's The Matrix.

I don't know.
Attic's still better than the basement.

Yeah, but...

You know, this place feels real.

But it's Memorex.

- Real is down there.
- Yeah, well, close enough.

Look, Dean, I'm happy.

I'm at peace.

Are you trying to sell me a timeshare?
What's with the pitch?

I know Michael wants to take you out
for a test drive.

- Pamela.
- Just saying.

What happens
if you play ball with him?

- Worst case?
- A lot of people die.

And then they come here.
That really so bad?

Look, maybe...

you don't have to fight it so hard.

That's all I'm trying to say.

- Hey. Found a shortcut to the garden.
- Oh, yeah.

All-access pass to the Magic Kingdom.

Good.

Not good?

That Zach fella's gonna be watching
every road to the garden.

[SAM SIGHS]

So watch your ass.

And Dean?

Yep.

Just how I imagined.

[CHUCKLES]

Ah. Gentlemen.

I don't mean to be a downer
or anything...

but, uh,
I'm sure I'll see you again soon.

Well, keep a sixer on ice for us.

Yeah.

[BIRDS CAWING OUTSIDE]

What the...

- Why are we back home?
- I don't know.

- So, what are we gonna do?
- Keep looking for the road again, I guess.

Honey. Why are you up?

Look, I'm sorry, I love you...

but you're not real
and we don't have time...

Did you have a nightmare? Tell me.

I gotta go.

MARY: Then how about I tell you
my nightmare, Dean?

The night I burned.

- Sammy, let's get out of here.
- Don't you walk away from me.

I never loved you.

You were my burden.

I was shackled to you.

Look what it got me.

Dean.

[RUMBLING]

MARY:
The worst was the smell.

The pain, well...

What can you say
about your skin bubbling off?

But the smell was so...

You know, for a second I thought
I left a pot roast burning in the oven.

But it was my meat.

And then, finally, I was dead.

The one silver lining...

is that at least
I was away from you.

[SIGHS]

Everybody leaves you, Dean,
you noticed?

Mommy, daddy...

even Sam.

Ever ask yourself why?

Maybe it's not them.

Maybe it's you.

[CHUCKLES]

ZACHARIAH:
Easy now, kitten.

You did this.

And I'm just getting started.
I mean, guys...

did you really think you could
sneak into Mission Control?

- You son of a bitch.
- You know...

I'd say the same thing about you,
Sam...

but I have actually
grown quite fond of your mother.

Or at least the blessed memory
of her.

I think we're gonna be logging
a lot of quality time together.

I've discovered she's quite the MILF.

Gloat all you want, you dick.
You're still bald.

In heaven I have six wings
and four faces, one of which is a lion.

You see this because you're...

limited.

Let's brass-tack this, shall we?

What, are you gonna ball-gag us until
we say yes? I've heard that tune.

I'm gonna do a lot more than that.
I've cleared my schedule. Get him up.

[DEAN GRUNTS]

Let me tell you something.

ZACHARIAH:
I was on the fast track once.

Employee of the month,
every month, forever.

I'd walk these halls
and people would avert their eyes!

I had respect!

And then they assigned me you.

Now look at me.

I can't close the deal on a couple
of pathetic, flannel-wearing maggots?

Everybody's laughing at me.

And they're right to do it.

So say yes, don't say yes...

I'm still gonna take it
out of your asses.

It's personal now, boys.

And the last person in the history of
creation you want as your enemy is me.

And I'll tell you why:
Lucifer may be strong...

but I'm petty.

I'm gonna be the angel on your shoulder
for the rest of eternity.

Excuse me, sir?

- I'm in a meeting.
MAN: I'm sorry.

I need to speak to those two.

- Excuse me?
- It's a bad time, I know.

- But I'm afraid I have to insist.
- Ha, ha.

- You don't get to insist Jack squat.
MAN: No. You're right.

But the boss does. His orders.

- You're lying.
- Wouldn't lie about this.

Look, fire me if you want.

Sooner or later,
he's gonna come back home...

and you know how he is
with that whole wrath thing.

[SAM GASPS]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

This is heaven's garden?

It's nice-ish.

I guess.

MAN:
You see what you want to here.

For some, it's God's throne room.
For others, it's Eden.

You two, I believe
it's the Cleveland Botanical Gardens.

You came here on a field trip.

- You're Joshua.
- I'm Joshua.

So you talk to God?

Mostly he talks to me.

Well, um, we need to speak to him.
It's important.

- Well, where is he?
- On Earth.

- Doing what?
- I don't know.

- Do you know where on Earth?
- No, sorry.

We don't exactly speak face to face.

I'm sorry. I don't get it.

- God's not talking to nobody, so...
- So why is he talking to me?

I sometimes think
it's because I can sympathize...

gardener to gardener.

And between us?
I think he gets lonely.

Oh, my heart's breaking for him.

Well, can you at least
get him a message for us?

Actually, he has a message for you:

"Back off."

- What?
JOSHUA: He knows already.

- Everything you want to tell him.
- But...

JOSHUA:
He knows what the angels are doing.

He knows
that the apocalypse has begun.

He just doesn't think it's his problem.

- Not his problem?
- God saved you already.

He put you on that plane.

He brought back Castiel.

He granted you salvation in heaven.

And after everything you've done, too.

It's more than he's intervened
in a long time.

[SIGHS]

He's finished.

Magic amulet or not,
you won't be able to find him.

But he can stop it.

- He could stop all of it.
- I suppose he could. But he won't.

- Why not?
- Why's he allow evil in the first place?

You could drive yourself nuts
asking questions like that.

So he's gonna sit back
and watch the world burn?

I know how important this was to you,
Dean.

I'm sorry.

Forget it.

Just another deadbeat dad
with a bunch of excuses, right?

I'm used to that.

- I'll muddle through.
- Except...

you don't know if you can this time.

You can't kill the devil...

and you're losing faith in yourself,
your brother...

and now this.

God was your last hope. I just...

I wish I could tell you
something different.

How do we know
you're telling the truth?

You think that I would lie?

It's just, you're not exactly
the first angel we've met.

JOSHUA:
I'm rooting for you boys.

I wish I could do more to help you,
I do...

but I just trim the hedges.

So, what now?

You go home again.

I'm afraid this time...

won't be like the last.

This time...

God wants you...

to remember.

[GASPS]

[PANTING]

[DEAN GASPS]

[DEAN COUGHS]

You all right?

Define "all right."

[SAM SIGHS]

Maybe...

Maybe Joshua was lying.

I don't think he was, Cass. I'm sorry.

[SAM SIGHS]

CASTIEL:
You son of a bitch.

I believed in...

I don't need this anymore.

It's worthless.

Cass, wait.

We'll find another way.

- We can still stop all this, Dean.
- How?

I don't know. But we'll find it.

You and me, we'll find it.

[SIGHS]