Supernatural (2005–…): Season 4, Episode 12 - Criss Angel Is a Douche Bag - full transcript

Sam and Dean investigate the activities of a trio of magicians who are using a grimoire to execute real feats of magic.

Tell me about those months
without your brother.

About all the things you and
this demon bitch do in the dark.

Do you even know how far off
the reservation you've gone?

How far from normal?
From human?

Why do you trust her so much?

She saved my life.

You don't have the juice
to take me on, Sam.

No, your abilities.
You're getting flabby.

Yeah, so how do I tone up?

You know what you got to do.

No, I'm not doing that anymore.

- Sam...
- I said no.

Charlier cut.

Wow. You're really good.

Yeah, great.

Hey, show us another.

Finish your drink, Vance.

This is a simple riffle shuffle.

Do a card trick for me.

Ooh, here we go --
the Incredible Jay.

All right, young lady,
would you please tell me when to stop?


This is your card.
Commit it to memory. Hmm?

- That's incredible, Jay.
- Don't be a jerk.

Right, now.

Do you see your card?

Um, no, I don't.

No, the cards say "no."

- Check his pocket.
- For God's sake, Vance.

Oh, just check?
Check the damn pocket!

So, if you then would remove...

Is this your card?

Why are you so mean?
Can't you just leave the old guy alone?

Is he wearing eyeliner?

Can't tell. I'm blinded
by all the sterling silver.

The light has to find me!

Get it?! It has to find me!

What a douche bag.

Would you guys give it a rest?
You're giving me a headache.

Oh, come on, Jay. His misdirect is
shaking his ass like an 8th Avenue hooker.

Used to be about skill.

Yeah, used to be. Used to be.

Listen to the two of you. It's pathetic.

Bitter, old men talking
about the glory days.

You know what?
This douche bag isn't the joke.

We are.

Hey, who you calling a joke?

Me, for one.

That used to be us.

You know, maybe he is a douche bag,
but he's playing the main stage,

and we can't even afford an assistant.

What the hell are we doing?

We're doing all right.

No, we're not.

We're sad, we're old.

And we're dying.


I'm gonna do ?the Table of Death? tonight.

No. No, you're not, Jay.
Don't be crazy.

You almost killed yourself the last time
you tried it. And that was 30 years ago!

Oh, who cares if it kills me?

At least I'll go out with a headline.

Ladies and gentlemen,

What you are about to see is
not a trick or an illusion.

Simply a display of
daring and dexterity.

Now, young lady,
if you'll please check the bindings.

You'll see they're very real,

Very tight.

Thank you. You may take your seat.

Damn straight they're tight.

You sure you can slip them?

Show's in an hour, Vance.

Try to be on time.

This isn't a trick, okay?
I don't do tricks.

This is a demonstration

about demons and angels,
love and lust...

What a douche bag.

...all that stuff mixed up in my head.

That's Jeb Dexter.

I don't even want to know
how you know that.

He's famous... kind of.

- Whatever happens,
- For what?

- Douchebaggery?
- ?no matter how messed up it gets,

Don't touch me, okay?
For your own safety.

Go back to hell, demon!

Is this your card?

You got to be kidding me.
A fake demon possession?

I can't believe people
actually fall for that crap.

It's not all crap.

What part of that was not
a steaming pile of BS?

Okay, that was crap,
but that's not all magicians.

It takes skill.

Oh, right.
Right. I forgot.

You were actually into
this stuff, weren't you?

I mean, you had? like,
a deck of cards and a wand.

Dude, I was 13. It was a phase.

Just? It bugs me.
Actually, it offends me.

You know, playing at demons and magic

when the real thing will kill you bloody.

Like a guy who drops dead of 10 stab wounds
without a single tear in his shirt?

That's what I'm talking about.

So, did your boss have
any enemies that you know of?

Vance had plenty of enemies.

How so?

He would steal from
other magicians... all the time.

What would he steal?

Stage effects, close-up techniques.

Anything he could get his hands on.

Is that enough to get him killed?

These guys take this stuff
pretty seriously.

There you are.

Did you find anything weird
in Vance's stuff?

Well, weirder?

Matter of fact, I did.

I'm guessing this didn't belong to Vance.

He hated card tricks.
Never wanted them around.

Let alone in his precious cape.

You gonna tell me how you did it?

Did what?

You know what.

The great ones never
give away the "how."

Yesterday you were sad, old, and dying.

Today you're one of the great ones?

Come on. This is me you're talking to.

You didn't think I could do it.

No, Jay, I didn't.

You're my friend, my best friend.

I just didn't want to see
you get hurt, that?s all.

Charlie, you want to see something?

Look at this.

Not bad.

"Not bad"?

I've been working to pull an ace out of
the middle of the deck for years, just one,

and now I can pull three.

Still missing the ace of hearts.

I want to do the executioner tonight.

Are you trying to get yourself killed?

It's just a rope slip.

Houdini wouldn't try the Executioner.


Think about it, Charlie.
If I can pull this off...

I think you're pushing your luck.

It wasn't luck.

It wasn't.

Here, stand over there.

Let's not end up like this, Charlie.

A couple of old farts doing
birthdays and bar mitzvahs.

It beats dying.

Does it?

I would do anything for you.
You know that.

But I will not watch you die.

I'll miss that show.

No, you'll be there.

You're always there for me.

Check your pocket.

That's good, Jay.

That's pretty damn good.

I can do it, Charlie.

I want to do it.


It's a lame gig.

I'm in a fleabag hotel doing
this Man-of-the-People crap,

and freakin' Angel's in Vegas
doing Cirque du Soleil!

That should have been mine.

All right, boys, get it in gear.
I don't got all day.

You Vernon Haskell?

Who's asking?

Federal agent Ulrich.

Looking into the death
of Patrick Vance.

I'm Jeb Dexter.
This is devil twist.

We're chilling at the international
magicians convention,

which is a dope chance to tip my hat
to the wicked cats who came before me.

Smokin' hot effect last night, Jim.


My name is Jay.

Yeah, whatever.
We can loop it later.

What a douche bag.

Couldn't agree more.

Is, uh...

this familiar to you?

Should it be?

Well, I heard that you used
tarot cards in your act.

My act?

That was a long time ago.

I haven't touched a deck
in years, you know...

Do know someone that
might use them now?

Well, there was a guy
down on Bleecker Street.

Oh, yeah. He peddles
that kind of specialty stuff.

Did he have a problem with Vance?

Matter of fact, Vance crossed him
about a year ago.

Probably cost him 50 grand in royalties.

You know the exact address?

426 Bleecker.

Ask for Chief.


Thank you.

I'm, uh, here to see Chief.

Stay here.

Don't touch anything.

You are really gonna
get it tonight, big boy.

There's been a misunderstanding.

I, uh, think I've been had.

Oh, you ain't been had...

till you been had by the Chief.

Oh, and before we get started,

what's your safe word?

What are you doing here, Ruby?

I should be asking you the same thing.

I'm working a job.

The whole world's about
to be engulfed in hellfire,

and you're in Magictown, U.S.A.

You got something against magic?

That would almost be funny if
34 seals hadn't been broken already.

34, Sam.

That's over halfway.

The angels are losing this war.

Every day is one day closer, and if
someone doesn't do something soon?

- And that someone is me?
- Who else would it be?

I don't know where these seals are.
I don't know squat.

So why don't you tell me
where you'd like me to start?

Well, you can quit
dicking around, for one.

Bigger fish, Sam.

And if the seals are being broken,

you might want to go after
the one doing the breaking.


Cut the head off the snake.

You're the only one
who can stop her, Sam.

So step up and kill the little bitch.

Oh, I'm game, believe me.

It's not the psychic thing
I got a problem with.

Yeah, I know what you got
a problem with, but tough.

It's the only way.


You know, this would
all be so much easier

if you'd just admit to yourself
that you like it.

That feeling that it gives you.

You don't know what
you're talking about.

Oh, I don't, huh?


It's simple. Lucifer rises,
the apocalypse starts.

You think that you have
demons on your hands now?

People are gonna die, Sam.
Oceans of people.

So, you just let me know
when you're ready.

- Find anything interesting?
- What? You?

Nothing I want to talk about
or think about ever again.

He's crazy, and you know it.

He says he can do it.

Did you even try to talk him out of it?

Till I was blue in the face.

But I tell you, Vernon, there was...

there was something in his eyes.

"In his eyes."

You're both nuts.

The Chief, huh?

What's the matter?

The Chief not your type?

You know, I could have you both
arrested for obstruction of justice.

How? You're no fed.

We con people for a living, son.

Takes more than
a fake badge to get past us.

You got us.

Yeah, we? we are actually...

aspiring magicians.

Yeah, we? we came to the convention
'cause we thought we could learn something.

Yeah, get some ideas for our new show.

Ooh, what kind of show?

Well, it's? it's a?

- It's a brother act.
- Yeah.

Yeah, you know, with the
rings and doves and... rings.

You want to learn something?

Stick around.

Ladies and gentlemen, what you're
about to witness is a feat so daring,

so dangerous, even the great
Houdini dared not attempt it.

I give to you...

the Executioner!

Now, sir, as you can see,
this jacket is the real article.

Thank you, sir.
You may take your seat.

Now, I will have one minute,
60 seconds,

to escape certain death.

Let's see if I can do it.

I don't think he's gonna make it.

That was amazing!

That was freakin' amazing!

That was...

not humanly possible.

Looks like this guy Jay was
a pretty big deal in the '70s.

Which in Magician Land
means what, exactly?

Big enough to play
Radio City Music Hall.

What got him stuck in their
"Where Are They Now?" file?

He got old.

Okay, so maybe Incredible Jay

is using real magic
to stage a comeback.

It's possible. Some kind of spell
that works a death transference.

How does the tarot card mix into it?

I don't know.


Hope I die before I get old.

Whole thing seems brutal, don't it?

You think we will?


Die before we get old.

Haven't we both already?

You know what I mean, Dean.
I mean,

do you think we'll still be
chasing demons when we're 60?

No, I think we'll be dead...

for good.

What? You want to end up like?
like Travis? Huh?

- Or Gordon, maybe?
- There's Bobby.

Oh, yeah, there's a poster child
for growing old gracefully.

Maybe we'll be different, Dean.

What kind of Kool-Aid
you drinking, man?

Sammy, it ends bloody or sad.

That's just the life.

What if we could win?


If there was a way we could just...

put an end to all of it.

Is there something going on
you're not telling me?

- No.
- Sammy.

No. Look, I'm just saying...

I just wish there was
a way we could...

go after the source. That's all.

Cut the head off the snake.

Well, the problem with the snake
is that it has a thousand heads.

Evil bitches just keep piling
out of the Volkswagen.


Guess you're right.

Why don't you go see if
you can track down Jay?

I'll see what I can dig up
on this tarot card.


Maid found Jeb hanging
from the ceiling fan.

Police think it was a suicide.

I beg to differ.

Pulled a little sleight of hand myself.

On Dexter's body?

Yeah, so I'm thinking if this
spell is a death transference,

Then these cards work
like black-magic targets.

Any connection between the victims?

Jeb was a total douche bag
to Jay yesterday.

What about the first vic?
Uh, Vance?

Asked around. Apparently, Vance was heckling
Jay at the bar the day he was killed.

Okay, so Jay sneaks a card
into Vance's pocket,

Does the Table of Death...

And Vance takes 10 swords to the chest.

Then Jay slips a noose and Jeb doesn't.

- Hell of a trick.
- Yeah, I think it's time we had a little chat with Jay.

Any luck tailing him?

He slipped me.

He's a 60-year-old.

He's a magician.

Up against the wall!

- God, who are you? What do you want?
- Now!

We know what you've been up to.

You been working some real bad
mojo to jump-start your act.


I don't know what you?re talking about.

Look, we know you put
a spell on those tarot cards.

Messing with real magic?

Real magic?

Come on, there's no
such thing as real magic.

- Oh, is that so?
- Yeah, believe me.

I've been around this stuff
my whole life. It's all just?

It's? it's illusions.
It's tricks.

It? it?s all fake.

Jeb Dexter strung up --
was that just an illusion?

What? Something happened to Jeb?

He was found hanged in his room.

Right after you slipped
the noose last night.

I don't know what you're talking about.


Just let me go.

Something's not right.

Usually they're whipping some
badass hoodoo at us by now.

What do you want to do?

All right, so,
if it's not him, who is it?

Even if Jay's not working the magic,
he's still getting the reward.

His shows are selling out.

All right.

So, then, whoever it is,

they're obviously in Jay's corner.

All right, so we got Vernon and
Charlie on the list. Anyone else?


We could always ask him.

Guess we should have seen
that one coming.

Come on.
He couldn't have gotten that far.

No way he could outrun us.

Maybe he vanished.
I mean, he really is good.

Or he found a back door.

That's them! Those are the two nut jobs
that just broke into my room!

Hands where I can see ?em!

They said my act is killing people.

They said that I was using real magic,
that I was casting spells on tarot cards.

"Real magic."
Those guys are nuts.

You're lucky to be alive.

You don't think...


Well, the things that
I can do now -- the cards.

You've been working
the cards your whole life.

Well, what about the escapes?

I haven't been able to slip
a pair of cuffs in 30 years.

And then there was the way that?
that Patrick Vance died,

and that Jeb Dexter.

Yeah, no great loss there.

Oh, Charlie, he didn't deserve to die.

You had nothing to do with it.

He was hanged the same night
that I performed the Executioner.

Wait a minute.

Are you telling me that you
actually believe those guys?

That there was some kind of
real magic involved?


I don't know.

I don't know, maybe.

I shouldn't go on tonight, Charlie.

Are you kidding me?

You have a sold-out house out there.

Sold out!

When was the last time that happened?

The other night,

when I was doing the Table of Death,

I was, um...

...I was gonna kill myself.

And I have no idea how I got out alive.

But you did.

Somehow, you did.


When you were in your day

You were incredible.

"The Incredible Jay."
You were the best I ever saw.

And now you got it back.

I don't know how,
but it doesn't matter.

Just to see you at
the top of your game again

Hell, it makes me feel young.

- But?
- No buts, Jay.

This may be manna from heaven,
I don't know.

But whatever it is,

you don't throw it away.

Oh my God, somebody call the 911!

- I don't know
- What's the...


Thanks for dropping the charges.

You mind telling us why you did it?

We have to talk.

I was just a kid when we first met.

All I know was how to cheat at cards.

Charlie got me out of
more scrapes than I can count.

Hell, I would have been dead by
the age of 20 if it hadn't been for him.

He was more than my friend.

He was my brother.

I'm sorry, Jay.

Look, I should have
listened to you guys

When you told me that
my show was killing people.

Well, you weren't
the one pulling the trigger.

Yeah, but someone did, and I want
to find out who did this to Charlie.

So I'll do whatever you guys say.

Just tell me what to do.

Jay, whoever's doing this?

They like you.

They're probably close to you.

Did Charlie and Vernon get along?


No, it's not Vernon.

He's the only one that makes sense.

Charlie and Vernon
were your family, Jay.

And now Charlie's gone.

Yeah, but...
they butted heads sometimes,

But Vernon could never do
something like this.

See, the thing about real magic

is it's a whole lot like crack.

People do surprising things
once they get a taste of it.

You better be damn sure about this.

Vernon's all I got left.


Yeah, okay.

I'll be there in two shakes.

I got something to tell you anyway.

Wow. It's like a... magic museum.

You must be in heaven.

This guy doesn't travel light.

He's been on the road
his whole life.

Probably everything he owns
is in this room.

Let's get started.

Just talked to the head of the convention.

Headliner gig is yours.


You don't want it?

A day ago,

You told me I'd be
standing on this stage.

No, I can't do it, Vernon.

What are you talking about?

Charlie's gone.

Charlie would have wanted you to go on.

This is your shot.

It's our shot.


This is what Charlie would have wanted?

Charlie's dead.

Hey, he was my friend, too, you know.

It's a hell of a way to treat a friend.

Again, what are you talking about?

You killed him, didn't you?

And for what?

So that I? so that "we"
could be back on top?

That's insane.

No, you're scaring me.

First it was Vance,
then it was Jeb Dexter.

Even if you thought
you were doing it for me,

how in God's name could you kill Charlie?

Oh, you are crazy.

You used me, and you used
my act to do this to him.

- If you think?
- I wouldn't be so hard on him, Jay.

He didn't do it.

This is just a bunch of old-timey magic stuff.

None of it magic.

No herbs, no candles, and no tarot cards.

I'll be damned.


Look like anyone we know?

Sweet Mary and Joseph.


It's really me, Jay.

How the hell...

God, you forget what
it feels like to be young.

It's amazing.

How old are you?

Oh, it depends on what you mean by "old."

Right now, technically, about 28,

But I've been around
a lot longer than that.

How long?

Long enough to have
shilled for Barnum.

And he gave me something.

What's that?

The grimoire --
a book of real magic.

At first I thought it was a scam,

but then I tried one of
the spells, and it worked.

In fact, they all worked.

So when I got to the end
and there was one for immortality.

My God, Charlie.

And my show,
the things that I can do.

Different spell.

But it gives you a little taste
of what's possible.

Oh, no, I wouldn't touch those, Vernon.

They're? they're still radioactive.

You killed Vance and Jeb Dexter.

What, you think this is a parlor game?

You were being humiliated
by those punks.

A washed-up old man who
couldn't even defend himself.

You used me to do
these terrible things.

I used them to give you a gift.

And you wanted it, Jay.
I saw it in your eyes.

No, I never wanted this.

You were ready to kill yourself.

I saved your life.

Is that right, Jay?

I was there for you,
like I've always been.

Like I'll always be.

Come with me, both of you.

You think the first time around was good?

The second time's even better.

All the know-how,
none of the aches and pain.

No, I won't do this. I won't.

I've never made this offer before.

But, then again,
I've never had friends

like the two of you before.

Let me do this for you.

And who else has to die
so that we can live forever?

What's the price tag on immortality?

This isn't right, Charlie,
what you're doing.

You know that.

Somewhere, you know that.

I know I don't want
to come back alone,

To start all over alone.


We can be young again.

The three of us together.
Vital and alive.


Not so fast!

I ain't Guttenberg,
and this ain't "Cocoon."

That's a neat trick.

It's not a trick. It's magic.

Hey, bullet catch.
Been working on that.

Get him!

Let him go. Now!

Just leave me and my friends alone.

All right, I will give it up.
The spells, the hexes.

This is the last time. I promise.


You picked these strangers over me?

You okay?


Yeah, I'm all right.

Hey, Jay.

We wanted to thank you

for what you did yesterday.

I killed my best friend yesterday,

and you want to thank me?

Where's Vernon?

Oh, he's gone.

He said he didn't want
to speak to me again

after what I did to Charlie.

Listen, Jay.

You know Charlie was never
gonna give up what he was doing.


You did the right thing.

Are you sure about that?

You know, Charlie was like my brother.

And now he's dead...

because I did the ?right? thing.

He offered me a gift,
and I just threw it back in his face.

So now I have to spend
the rest of my life old and alone.

What's so right about that?

Jay. Your cards.

Throw 'em away.

Well, I don't know about you,
but... I could go for a beer.

I'm gonna take a walk.


I'm in.

What changed your mind?

I don't want to be doing this
when I'm an old man.