Sunnyside (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript
A former New York City councilman finds his calling when he meets a group of immigrants in search of the American dream.
Hi, I'm Garrett Modi,
and I'm running to be
your next city councilor.
My parents moved to Sunnyside,
Queens, with one dream:
to raise their kids in the
greatest country on Earth
in the greatest city on Earth.
You know, it wasn't easy,
but the people of this
community supported them.
And as your next city councilor,
I promise to work as hard
for you and your family
as you did for me and mine.
So let's get to work.
_
Diana, what's up?
Uh, it's been a week.
This is my office now.
Diana, I appreciate your passion,
and I congratulate you on a
hard-fought race to replace me.
You should be very proud of
what you've accomplished.
But, you know, the thing
is gonna blow over.
The council voted to
remove you unanimously.
Unanimously, what does that even mean?
Okay, I've asked you
several times to pack up,
and now somehow, there's
even more stuff he...
- Garrett, are you living here?
- Absolutely not.
Is this your shower caddy
I found in the bathroom?
Yes, thank you. I was looking for that.
There's not even a shower in there.
With the right attitude, any place
with running water is a shower.
Can I tell you something?
When you first got
elected, I was so excited.
I thought, "Finally, a
young person in office
who's going to make a difference."
Then you spent 15 years
partying with Wall Street
douchebags and D-list celebrities
instead of, I don't know,
doing your actual job.
I did stuff. I once brought
Elon Musk to Sunnyside,
and he almost agreed to dig one of
those tunnels no one wants here.
Wow, really?
Yes.
Councilman.
Hey, sis. Little help?
Nah.
So the girlfriend kicked
you out of the apartment,
and then the new councilwoman
kicked you out of the office?
Double kick out?
Yeah, but the girlfriend one was mutual.
Really?
Yeah. We mutually agreed that
I'd move out of our place
or she'd beat me up.
She'll come around.
I just need to talk to her.
Huh, I can see why you would think that.
What's that supposed to mean?
Talking is the only thing you've
ever been truly great at.
Dude, when you were eight,
you convinced me to
give you the top bunk.
I won the coin toss. Bottom bunk sucks!
- You loved it.
- What are you doing here, man?
Why don't you just go
stay with Mom and Dad?
Because a guy my age living
with his parents is pathetic,
but a guy my age living with his sister,
slightly less pathetic.
Besides, it's only temporary.
I have a five-step path to redemption.
Step one: lie low, okay?
People will eventually
forget about the thing.
Step two: get a job, save some money,
make some powerful connections.
Haven't figured out steps
three and four yet.
Step five: get reelected.
America loves a good
political comeback story.
Counterpoint: Richard Nixon,
Eliot Spitzer, Anthony Weiner,
Anthony Weiner again.
Man, he really did do it again.
- That guy cannot help himself.
- It's bonkers.
Don't send pictures of
your wiener to people...
Especially if your name is Weiner!
Isn't this great?
You and me living together this week,
why don't we just call it a
year, a year and a half?
Oh, my God, you don't have any money.
- Completely broke, yes.
- How is that possible?
Because all my savings are
tied up in my investments.
Jet Skis are not investments.
I can't even tell you how
stupid you sound right now.
Get a job, and don't mess up my office.
- Coin toss for your bedroom?
- No!
_
_
_
Please step to the shoulder.
What seems to be the problem, officer?
- Can I see some ID?
- Bro, you don't know who I am?
I know who you are.
You're on the city council.
More like I am the city council, dude.
It's just me and a bunch of duds.
There's a couple of full-on sex creeps
in there too, if I'm
being perfectly honest.
- Sir...
- After a few more years
with those idiots, I'ma
run for Congress, win,
then I'm gonna run for governor, win,
then I'm gonna be president, baby.
Okay, you're definitely
under arrest now.
No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Officer, officer, officer.
If you let me go, I'll...
I'll give you $10,000.
- Sir, you don't want to do this.
- $100,000.
- Bribing an officer is a felony.
- You drive a hard bargain,
and I respect the hell out of that.
- Million bucks.
- Sir...
- Ten million.
- Sir...
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
One billion dollars.
We got a deal?
_
_
_
_
_
- Oh.
- Thank you.
- Thank you so much.
- Yeah.
- States now...
- Oh, there he is.
- Yo.
- So, listen,
it's 50 bucks an hour each up front.
I will not actually puke on you.
There's no nudity of any kind.
Pictures are $20. T-shirts are $30...
No, dude, we don't want any of that.
Uh, we need your help.
We're trying to become citizens.
Citizens? You seem
pretty American to me.
Yeah, dude, no crap,
because, like, I am American,
or, like, I thought I was.
Then I went to get my driver's license,
find out that my mom brought
me over here when I was two,
overstayed her visa, never told me.
Now I gotta take, like,
some dumb history test
just so I don't get
sent back to Moldova.
Where even is Moldova?
I don't know, man.
What do I look like, a book?
This is our little study group.
That's Griselda.
She's Dominican, and she's, like, old.
That's Hakim. He's a nerd from Ethiopia.
Mei Lin and Jun Ho,
they're rich as hell,
but they won't actually
say where they're from.
Yeah, technically our dad now
lives in international waters.
He means we have no knowledge
of his current whereabouts.
For the last few weeks, we
were all taking a class
that was helping us with the
test and the paperwork,
but it all shut down when
somebody bought the building.
Yeah, it's getting turned into
one of those shared work spaces.
It's like, ew.
Yeah, seems like everything's
getting turned into one of those.
No, I mean like, "Ew, work and share."
Point is, it's like impossible
to get into a new class.
They're all booked, and the
wait lists are super long so...
Damn it, damn it, Drazen.
- No, not now.
- Is good, eh?
- No, that music sucks.
- Number one in Romania.
Okay, that added nothing.
Ah, is this the man who will help,
the man with the vomit? He will save us.
It was a great idea, brother.
- Great idea.
- We're not brothers. Ow.
We are Moldovans. We are countrymen.
You and I are the same, Bojan.
My name is Brady now, and
we are not the same.
I'm awesome; you use the
word disco as a verb.
Ah, you want to disco?
Let's go disco right now.
Guys, guys. I... I don't know
if you know this or not,
but I'm temporarily out of office.
Ah, we know, and it's not temporary.
- You're done, baby.
- It's a matter of opinion.
We need a teacher and we
need a place to study
and we need you to call
someone to make that happen,
preferably someone who has
not humiliated himself
as flagrantly as you have.
Or you could just make us citizens.
Actually, a city councilor can't
just make someone a citizen.
Ugh, whatever, just do it.
Please, please. We're just asking
you to make one phone call.
You can convince anyone to do anything.
I once saw you give a speech
at the opening of Wahlburgers
down on Northern Boulevard.
It almost made me want to eat there.
Okay, I'll give it a shot.
Hey there, I'm calling
for Councilman Webber?
This is Garrett Modi.
Sorry, go what myself?
That's what I thought.
Ah, bad connection. I'll...
I'll try somebody else.
- Service...
- Call somebody else...
Hi, Garrett Modi for Councilwoman Barea?
Garrett Modi.
Hmm, tell him to go get hit by a truck,
and then hang up on him.
- Well, she wasn't in.
- Oh, that's okay.
Call somebody else.
Uh, sure. Uh...
Yeah.
Councilman!
Hey, listen, uh, I've got this
fantastic group of people
who need some help with their
citizenship applications.
What the hell are you
talking about, Garrett?
I'm at work.
You will? Hey, that's fantastic.
Okay, look forward to hearing from you.
He'll be in touch.
Oh!
- Thank you. Thank you so much, man.
- That's great.
What is the difference between
the Department of Agriculture
and the Department of the Interior?
Guys, as much fun as it is doing
homework as grown adults,
I have to say, when I
said ask me anything,
I kinda meant like who's
the coolest celebrity
you ever made out with,
not how many amendments
does the Constitution have.
Too bad. Until your friends call back,
this is what we're paying you for.
It was Rihanna's cousin, if,
uh, anybody was wondering.
I, uh, made out with Rihanna's cousin.
Um, we have a proposition for you.
We pay you to take the test for us.
Pretty sure that's illegal,
but, also, how would that even work?
I look nothing like either of you.
Oh, no, no, no, it's fine.
Our dad, he has this guy.
He can make anybody look like anybody.
He's like Picasso with a scalpel.
Yeah, nobody wants to
look like a Picasso,
so I'm gonna go ahead
and say no to that one.
- Griselda, you're up.
- Yep.
Oh, wow, I thought you worked at FedEx.
I do, in the day. At night, I work here.
- Wow, two jobs.
- Kind of. In the morning,
- I deliver newspapers...
- Oh.
Then I go teach a Zumba
class at 7:00 before work.
- At FedEx?
- No, at my paralegal job.
Then I go over to the Genius Bar
and I fix a couple of
iPhones for a few hours,
then FedEx. Let me get you a refill.
This is a lot of stuff to learn.
Dude, this is the easy part.
You know how much crap we had
to deal with just to get here?
You have to maintain
residence for five years,
assuming you can find a
job and a place to live,
and the rent in New York
makes the rent in Mekelle
look like Aleta Wendo.
Where I'm from, that's a
very trenchant observation.
It kills.
And you're suppose to
keep a clean record,
- which is, like, why?
- Gonna move?
Gotta fill out an AR-11.
Traveling? That's an I-131.
Oh, and who knows?
Maybe while you're visiting
your sick grandmother,
they might just decide
that no one from your country
is allowed in anymore and...
Damn it, Drazen, not now!
Actually, let's go with never.
Never play what you consider music.
Oh, my God, guys, I'm sorry,
but your hour's almost up
and they... they haven't called
back, so, uh, good luck.
Wait, so you're just gonna leave?
We were gonna hire you
for the whole week,
and now we have to start over?
I'm sorry, did you say for the week?
That's like 15,000 bucks.
Something about the way you said that
makes me feel like you think
that's a lot of money.
Oh, my God.
Do you think that's a lot of money?
Here, take whatever
this is. It smells weird.
Yo, guess what, Mal?
I'm already at step two
of my plan. I got a job,
and this one does not
involve humiliating myself.
- What's the job?
- Well, this group of people
wants me to help them become citizens.
Do you know anything about
how to become a citizen?
I do not, but I'll be,
like, the cool teacher,
you know, take some field trips,
do that thing where you
sit in a chair backwards,
maybe get a cool leather jacket.
Plus check this out: I am getting paid.
I can hire a PR team.
Can you imagine how good it's gonna look
for my reelection campaign
if it gets out that I've been
helping these poor people
out of the goodness of my heart?
Except you're very
clearly not helping them
out of the goodness of your heart.
You're doing it for your
reelection campaign.
That's a really good point. I should
talk to my PR team about that.
And if you have cash now,
you can pay me rent.
And I will do that, Mal,
just as soon as I take care
of some very pressing
financial obligations.
I promise you, once I'm solvent again,
everything I have is yours.
Are those new Jordans?
You're the best, Mal. Bye.
Ha-ha.
N-336 form finished.
Now you haven't done your N-400 yet.
But 336 is before 400.
Why does 400 go first?
I don't know, okay?
I shouldn't have to know any of this.
- I'm American.
- Nah.
You're Moldovan, like me.
Stop. Can you just give a normal hug?
It always feels like
you're trying to peel me.
Why can't this be like high school?
Whenever we had trouble,
our dad would just have
one little conversation
with our teacher,
and we'd get all "A"s.
- He bribed them?
- Hakim, I wouldn't call
getting your family
back a bribe, but sure.
Yo, guys, it's becoming clear
your dad is a legit supervillain.
Okay, I'm gonna plead
the third on that one.
The Third Amendment prohibits
the quartering of soldiers
in private homes.
Okay, I... I don't know which one
that I'm pleading to then, all right?
I don't understand why everyone
expects me to learn things now.
It's not my brand, okay? It's not fair!
Hey, guys, guys.
I understand you're getting
stressed out, okay.
I think, what it is is,
you're a little too focused
on what you have to know.
Being American is just as
much about how it feels.
Grab your stuff. We're
gonna take a field trip.
Drazen, you can't take
that much relish, man.
It's free.
If they don't want me to take
it, it should cost money.
Hey, why did you bring us here?
What does this place have to do with us?
Are you kidding me? Look
at those guys out there.
You got immigrants from everywhere:
uh, Dominican Republic, South
Korea, Cuba, Puerto Rico.
Uh, Puerto Rico is in the U.S.
Yeah, I know. That was a test.
Only Hakim passed.
You know, one of the things
that makes baseball so cool
is that it's always been
an immigrant's sport.
Did you know that 30%
of all major leaguers
were born outside the U.S.?
I'm talking guys like Ichiro Suzuki,
Miguel Cabrera, Albert Pujols.
How much worse would the
game be without those guys?
How much worse would America
be without all the people
who came here from all over the world
and brought their history
and culture with them?
You know, they say that this
country is a melting pot.
I say nowhere is that more
clear than out there.
Sit down, idiot!
Right. Is that actually
why you took us here,
or did you just want to see a game
and then we called you on it
and you pulled all that
out of your ass just now?
Little of A, a little of B,
but you have to admit I did
make some pretty good points.
Ah, you did. You did. And
thank you for bringing us.
It's been inspiring just being here.
Well, back to work.
Soda! Soda here!
So this must be quite a change,
- Ethiopia to New York City.
- I guess so.
I'm not making as much money
as I used to, but that's okay.
Wait, what? What were
you doing in Ethiopia?
I was a cardiothoracic surgeon.
Yeah, but then I won a
green card lottery,
and this was my chance
to come to America.
I had to take it.
If you're a doctor, how
come you're driving a cab?
Can't get certified yet.
Citizenship should help, but it
will still take a few years.
Can I... can I ask... uh, uh,
I mean, you had a nice life in Ethiopia.
Why not just stay?
Because America is the best.
Here, anything is possible.
Eh, so what I have to fill out
some papers, drive a cab,
leave my Jet Ski back home.
You have a Jet Ski? I have a Jet Ski.
Hey, Jet Ski buddies.
Oh, man, that sucks you
had to give that up.
No, it's worth it.
I'm here because I love America
and I want to be a part of it.
We all do.
That's really awesome, man.
Thanks for the ride.
Hey, uh, America is great,
and anything is possible,
et cetera, et cetera, but only if
you pay people for their work.
Yeah.
You owe me $27.50.
- Oh, sorry.
- Yeah.
Hey, what's up, y'all?
Who's ready to learn?
Hey, I stayed up late last night,
watched a bunch of YouTube
videos about American history,
somehow ended up watching, like,
three hours of people unboxing LEGOs,
which is weird 'cause I
don't even like LEGOs.
What's wrong?
They took Drazen.
- What? Who did?
- Immigration.
What are you talking about?
He has a green card.
Well, I guess he messed up
something on his paperwork
or something, and that's
enough sometimes.
God, he was so bad at that crap.
This blows.
Can you call one of your
city council people
and at least figure out
where they're holding him?
I doubt it. They're not
gonna take my calls.
They haven't spoken to me in months.
Wait, I'm sorry, I... I thought you said
someone was going to help us.
I, uh, I did say that, um...
and, uh, and that was a lie
and that was a crappy thing to do.
But, look, the... the truth is,
even if I had gotten through to them,
politicians don't spend their days
trying to figure out how
to help people like you.
But Hakim and I had
a... wait, wait, wait.
Hakim and I had a great
conversation last night.
We had a good talk.
I really want to help you.
Yeah, well, I don't think
we need your help anymore.
One billion dollars. We got a deal?
Please step to the shoulder.
What seems to be the problem, officer?
If you watch it too much,
it gets less funny,
but then if you keep watching it,
it comes all the way back
around the other side
and it gets really funny again.
Mal, you know those
people I was helping?
One of them got taken by ICE last night.
Can you believe that?
I mean, that's awful, but,
yeah, I can believe it.
Well, Drazen was doing everything right.
The guy had a green card.
It's messed up.
Yeah, it is, and it's
been happening for years.
I mean, maybe you could've
done something about it
while you were in office
instead of partying
on Alec Baldwin's yacht.
It was Daniel Baldwin's catamaran.
- I wish it was Alec's yacht.
- Gross!
You're right. I'm a screwup, right?
I should've just become
a doctor like you
and Mom and Dad and Falguni Auntie
and Harendra Uncle and
Bipin Uncle and...
You know what? I'd rather be a cliché
than someone who's pretending
to be Mr. All-American.
"Oh, look at me, I'm a politician.
I played baseball."
You know why I played baseball?
'Cause I was good at it.
And when kids saw that I was good,
they didn't bully me anymore.
They didn't see me as different.
They accepted me.
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Okay, so this guy got taken.
What are you gonna do about it?
I mean, nothing. What can I do about it?
Of course.
Things got hard, and so
you're bailing again.
So is that step three or step four
of your five-step plan?
I'm Garrett Modi,
and I'm running to be
your next city councilor.
My parents moved to Sunnyside,
Queens, with one dream:
to raise their kids in the
greatest country on Earth
in the greatest city on Earth.
New plan.
A-ha! I found you!
Wait, before you say anything.
I'm sorry, okay? I really messed up.
I'm sorry for lying to you.
I'm sorry for being a dick.
Although, you know, lying
about your credentials
and putting your own
happiness above other people
really is one of the most
American things you can do,
so I guess that's another
lesson you learned from me,
and you're welcome. But my point is,
I want to make it up to you.
How many taxi cabs did you jump into
before you found me?
A lot. There are a lot of really
angry cab drivers out there.
So what do you say, man,
help me get everybody back together?
Let's go.
So we call this the Electoral College.
It's one college that does
not have a football team.
Oh, what are you even talking about?
Look, I told you, I'm
more of a science guy.
Hey, guys.
Hi, I know you're really
pissed at me, okay?
But I think I can help you and Drazen.
- Will you come with me?
- Oh, thank God.
- Bill Nye sucks.
- He's so boring.
Be less boring.
Hey, am I still gonna get paid?
Hey, Brady. Come with us.
We're getting the gang back together.
What? These aren't my glasses.
- I wear 'em as a joke.
- Come with us.
You guys cool with this?
Hmm.
- Sweet.
- Great.
Now we just need to find Griselda.
I'm right here.
I'm almost on my lunch break.
Where are we going?
- Hey.
- Oh, come on.
No, I want to apologize.
You know, I got to sit at that desk
basically because I was good at talking.
I talked this city into electing me,
and then I never did anything.
You're not gonna make that mistake.
You're obviously gonna be a
way better city councilor
than I ever was.
I mean, that's a pretty low bar.
Harsh but fair.
What I'm trying to say
is, I'm sick of talking.
I want to start doing.
Their friend Drazen got
taken by ICE last night.
Can you help us find him?
I can try,
but they don't allow anyone
into those facilities.
- I'll see what I can do.
- Oh, also, President Lady,
we need to get into a citizenship class.
- They're all booked.
- Actually, guys,
that part I think I have covered.
You know, when you're born in America,
you never really have to
learn how lucky you are.
I don't want to take that
for granted anymore.
If you'll have me as your teacher,
I'll learn whatever I have to.
I'll help you with the paperwork.
I'll help you study.
I'll know the Constitution
better than...
The guy who wrote the Const...
- James Madison.
- James Madison.
I said it at the same time as you.
I'll be with you every step of the way,
and we'll figure this
thing out together.
Also, here's your money back,
minus a couple of hundred
in teaching expenses.
Shoes count as teaching expenses.
Can we come to you
if we ever need any help
navigating this process?
Fine, but I'm only helping them.
Also, for your information,
there were a lot of drugs
left in your desk.
Those days are behind me. You keep them.
I threw them away, you maniac.
C'mon, guys.
Here, this is used.
Do you have recycling?
All right, can anybody tell
me who Benjamin Franklin was?
Ooh. He's the guy on the hundred.
Those are my favorites.
Why does anyone use the other ones?
- Okay, but what did he do?
- He flew a kite in a storm,
and that was smart, for some reason.
Yes, but that's not exactly
what I'm looking for.
Ooh, is he Hamilton from Hamilton?
- That's Hamilton.
- Are you sure?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure Benjamin
Franklin isn't Hamilton.
Garrett, I've been in surgery all day.
You can't just let a bunch
of strangers into my house.
Okay, rude.
First of all, it would only be
illegal if we were soldiers
and the government was forcing
you to house us here.
That's a little thing I like
to call the Third Amendment.
Boom.
Jun Ho, you learned something.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
I did. I'm amazing.
Am I the smartest person here?
What kind of surgery we talking about,
arthroplasty, fasciectomy?
- Who are you?
- I'm Hakim.
and I'm running to be
your next city councilor.
My parents moved to Sunnyside,
Queens, with one dream:
to raise their kids in the
greatest country on Earth
in the greatest city on Earth.
You know, it wasn't easy,
but the people of this
community supported them.
And as your next city councilor,
I promise to work as hard
for you and your family
as you did for me and mine.
So let's get to work.
_
Diana, what's up?
Uh, it's been a week.
This is my office now.
Diana, I appreciate your passion,
and I congratulate you on a
hard-fought race to replace me.
You should be very proud of
what you've accomplished.
But, you know, the thing
is gonna blow over.
The council voted to
remove you unanimously.
Unanimously, what does that even mean?
Okay, I've asked you
several times to pack up,
and now somehow, there's
even more stuff he...
- Garrett, are you living here?
- Absolutely not.
Is this your shower caddy
I found in the bathroom?
Yes, thank you. I was looking for that.
There's not even a shower in there.
With the right attitude, any place
with running water is a shower.
Can I tell you something?
When you first got
elected, I was so excited.
I thought, "Finally, a
young person in office
who's going to make a difference."
Then you spent 15 years
partying with Wall Street
douchebags and D-list celebrities
instead of, I don't know,
doing your actual job.
I did stuff. I once brought
Elon Musk to Sunnyside,
and he almost agreed to dig one of
those tunnels no one wants here.
Wow, really?
Yes.
Councilman.
Hey, sis. Little help?
Nah.
So the girlfriend kicked
you out of the apartment,
and then the new councilwoman
kicked you out of the office?
Double kick out?
Yeah, but the girlfriend one was mutual.
Really?
Yeah. We mutually agreed that
I'd move out of our place
or she'd beat me up.
She'll come around.
I just need to talk to her.
Huh, I can see why you would think that.
What's that supposed to mean?
Talking is the only thing you've
ever been truly great at.
Dude, when you were eight,
you convinced me to
give you the top bunk.
I won the coin toss. Bottom bunk sucks!
- You loved it.
- What are you doing here, man?
Why don't you just go
stay with Mom and Dad?
Because a guy my age living
with his parents is pathetic,
but a guy my age living with his sister,
slightly less pathetic.
Besides, it's only temporary.
I have a five-step path to redemption.
Step one: lie low, okay?
People will eventually
forget about the thing.
Step two: get a job, save some money,
make some powerful connections.
Haven't figured out steps
three and four yet.
Step five: get reelected.
America loves a good
political comeback story.
Counterpoint: Richard Nixon,
Eliot Spitzer, Anthony Weiner,
Anthony Weiner again.
Man, he really did do it again.
- That guy cannot help himself.
- It's bonkers.
Don't send pictures of
your wiener to people...
Especially if your name is Weiner!
Isn't this great?
You and me living together this week,
why don't we just call it a
year, a year and a half?
Oh, my God, you don't have any money.
- Completely broke, yes.
- How is that possible?
Because all my savings are
tied up in my investments.
Jet Skis are not investments.
I can't even tell you how
stupid you sound right now.
Get a job, and don't mess up my office.
- Coin toss for your bedroom?
- No!
_
_
_
Please step to the shoulder.
What seems to be the problem, officer?
- Can I see some ID?
- Bro, you don't know who I am?
I know who you are.
You're on the city council.
More like I am the city council, dude.
It's just me and a bunch of duds.
There's a couple of full-on sex creeps
in there too, if I'm
being perfectly honest.
- Sir...
- After a few more years
with those idiots, I'ma
run for Congress, win,
then I'm gonna run for governor, win,
then I'm gonna be president, baby.
Okay, you're definitely
under arrest now.
No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Officer, officer, officer.
If you let me go, I'll...
I'll give you $10,000.
- Sir, you don't want to do this.
- $100,000.
- Bribing an officer is a felony.
- You drive a hard bargain,
and I respect the hell out of that.
- Million bucks.
- Sir...
- Ten million.
- Sir...
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
One billion dollars.
We got a deal?
_
_
_
_
_
- Oh.
- Thank you.
- Thank you so much.
- Yeah.
- States now...
- Oh, there he is.
- Yo.
- So, listen,
it's 50 bucks an hour each up front.
I will not actually puke on you.
There's no nudity of any kind.
Pictures are $20. T-shirts are $30...
No, dude, we don't want any of that.
Uh, we need your help.
We're trying to become citizens.
Citizens? You seem
pretty American to me.
Yeah, dude, no crap,
because, like, I am American,
or, like, I thought I was.
Then I went to get my driver's license,
find out that my mom brought
me over here when I was two,
overstayed her visa, never told me.
Now I gotta take, like,
some dumb history test
just so I don't get
sent back to Moldova.
Where even is Moldova?
I don't know, man.
What do I look like, a book?
This is our little study group.
That's Griselda.
She's Dominican, and she's, like, old.
That's Hakim. He's a nerd from Ethiopia.
Mei Lin and Jun Ho,
they're rich as hell,
but they won't actually
say where they're from.
Yeah, technically our dad now
lives in international waters.
He means we have no knowledge
of his current whereabouts.
For the last few weeks, we
were all taking a class
that was helping us with the
test and the paperwork,
but it all shut down when
somebody bought the building.
Yeah, it's getting turned into
one of those shared work spaces.
It's like, ew.
Yeah, seems like everything's
getting turned into one of those.
No, I mean like, "Ew, work and share."
Point is, it's like impossible
to get into a new class.
They're all booked, and the
wait lists are super long so...
Damn it, damn it, Drazen.
- No, not now.
- Is good, eh?
- No, that music sucks.
- Number one in Romania.
Okay, that added nothing.
Ah, is this the man who will help,
the man with the vomit? He will save us.
It was a great idea, brother.
- Great idea.
- We're not brothers. Ow.
We are Moldovans. We are countrymen.
You and I are the same, Bojan.
My name is Brady now, and
we are not the same.
I'm awesome; you use the
word disco as a verb.
Ah, you want to disco?
Let's go disco right now.
Guys, guys. I... I don't know
if you know this or not,
but I'm temporarily out of office.
Ah, we know, and it's not temporary.
- You're done, baby.
- It's a matter of opinion.
We need a teacher and we
need a place to study
and we need you to call
someone to make that happen,
preferably someone who has
not humiliated himself
as flagrantly as you have.
Or you could just make us citizens.
Actually, a city councilor can't
just make someone a citizen.
Ugh, whatever, just do it.
Please, please. We're just asking
you to make one phone call.
You can convince anyone to do anything.
I once saw you give a speech
at the opening of Wahlburgers
down on Northern Boulevard.
It almost made me want to eat there.
Okay, I'll give it a shot.
Hey there, I'm calling
for Councilman Webber?
This is Garrett Modi.
Sorry, go what myself?
That's what I thought.
Ah, bad connection. I'll...
I'll try somebody else.
- Service...
- Call somebody else...
Hi, Garrett Modi for Councilwoman Barea?
Garrett Modi.
Hmm, tell him to go get hit by a truck,
and then hang up on him.
- Well, she wasn't in.
- Oh, that's okay.
Call somebody else.
Uh, sure. Uh...
Yeah.
Councilman!
Hey, listen, uh, I've got this
fantastic group of people
who need some help with their
citizenship applications.
What the hell are you
talking about, Garrett?
I'm at work.
You will? Hey, that's fantastic.
Okay, look forward to hearing from you.
He'll be in touch.
Oh!
- Thank you. Thank you so much, man.
- That's great.
What is the difference between
the Department of Agriculture
and the Department of the Interior?
Guys, as much fun as it is doing
homework as grown adults,
I have to say, when I
said ask me anything,
I kinda meant like who's
the coolest celebrity
you ever made out with,
not how many amendments
does the Constitution have.
Too bad. Until your friends call back,
this is what we're paying you for.
It was Rihanna's cousin, if,
uh, anybody was wondering.
I, uh, made out with Rihanna's cousin.
Um, we have a proposition for you.
We pay you to take the test for us.
Pretty sure that's illegal,
but, also, how would that even work?
I look nothing like either of you.
Oh, no, no, no, it's fine.
Our dad, he has this guy.
He can make anybody look like anybody.
He's like Picasso with a scalpel.
Yeah, nobody wants to
look like a Picasso,
so I'm gonna go ahead
and say no to that one.
- Griselda, you're up.
- Yep.
Oh, wow, I thought you worked at FedEx.
I do, in the day. At night, I work here.
- Wow, two jobs.
- Kind of. In the morning,
- I deliver newspapers...
- Oh.
Then I go teach a Zumba
class at 7:00 before work.
- At FedEx?
- No, at my paralegal job.
Then I go over to the Genius Bar
and I fix a couple of
iPhones for a few hours,
then FedEx. Let me get you a refill.
This is a lot of stuff to learn.
Dude, this is the easy part.
You know how much crap we had
to deal with just to get here?
You have to maintain
residence for five years,
assuming you can find a
job and a place to live,
and the rent in New York
makes the rent in Mekelle
look like Aleta Wendo.
Where I'm from, that's a
very trenchant observation.
It kills.
And you're suppose to
keep a clean record,
- which is, like, why?
- Gonna move?
Gotta fill out an AR-11.
Traveling? That's an I-131.
Oh, and who knows?
Maybe while you're visiting
your sick grandmother,
they might just decide
that no one from your country
is allowed in anymore and...
Damn it, Drazen, not now!
Actually, let's go with never.
Never play what you consider music.
Oh, my God, guys, I'm sorry,
but your hour's almost up
and they... they haven't called
back, so, uh, good luck.
Wait, so you're just gonna leave?
We were gonna hire you
for the whole week,
and now we have to start over?
I'm sorry, did you say for the week?
That's like 15,000 bucks.
Something about the way you said that
makes me feel like you think
that's a lot of money.
Oh, my God.
Do you think that's a lot of money?
Here, take whatever
this is. It smells weird.
Yo, guess what, Mal?
I'm already at step two
of my plan. I got a job,
and this one does not
involve humiliating myself.
- What's the job?
- Well, this group of people
wants me to help them become citizens.
Do you know anything about
how to become a citizen?
I do not, but I'll be,
like, the cool teacher,
you know, take some field trips,
do that thing where you
sit in a chair backwards,
maybe get a cool leather jacket.
Plus check this out: I am getting paid.
I can hire a PR team.
Can you imagine how good it's gonna look
for my reelection campaign
if it gets out that I've been
helping these poor people
out of the goodness of my heart?
Except you're very
clearly not helping them
out of the goodness of your heart.
You're doing it for your
reelection campaign.
That's a really good point. I should
talk to my PR team about that.
And if you have cash now,
you can pay me rent.
And I will do that, Mal,
just as soon as I take care
of some very pressing
financial obligations.
I promise you, once I'm solvent again,
everything I have is yours.
Are those new Jordans?
You're the best, Mal. Bye.
Ha-ha.
N-336 form finished.
Now you haven't done your N-400 yet.
But 336 is before 400.
Why does 400 go first?
I don't know, okay?
I shouldn't have to know any of this.
- I'm American.
- Nah.
You're Moldovan, like me.
Stop. Can you just give a normal hug?
It always feels like
you're trying to peel me.
Why can't this be like high school?
Whenever we had trouble,
our dad would just have
one little conversation
with our teacher,
and we'd get all "A"s.
- He bribed them?
- Hakim, I wouldn't call
getting your family
back a bribe, but sure.
Yo, guys, it's becoming clear
your dad is a legit supervillain.
Okay, I'm gonna plead
the third on that one.
The Third Amendment prohibits
the quartering of soldiers
in private homes.
Okay, I... I don't know which one
that I'm pleading to then, all right?
I don't understand why everyone
expects me to learn things now.
It's not my brand, okay? It's not fair!
Hey, guys, guys.
I understand you're getting
stressed out, okay.
I think, what it is is,
you're a little too focused
on what you have to know.
Being American is just as
much about how it feels.
Grab your stuff. We're
gonna take a field trip.
Drazen, you can't take
that much relish, man.
It's free.
If they don't want me to take
it, it should cost money.
Hey, why did you bring us here?
What does this place have to do with us?
Are you kidding me? Look
at those guys out there.
You got immigrants from everywhere:
uh, Dominican Republic, South
Korea, Cuba, Puerto Rico.
Uh, Puerto Rico is in the U.S.
Yeah, I know. That was a test.
Only Hakim passed.
You know, one of the things
that makes baseball so cool
is that it's always been
an immigrant's sport.
Did you know that 30%
of all major leaguers
were born outside the U.S.?
I'm talking guys like Ichiro Suzuki,
Miguel Cabrera, Albert Pujols.
How much worse would the
game be without those guys?
How much worse would America
be without all the people
who came here from all over the world
and brought their history
and culture with them?
You know, they say that this
country is a melting pot.
I say nowhere is that more
clear than out there.
Sit down, idiot!
Right. Is that actually
why you took us here,
or did you just want to see a game
and then we called you on it
and you pulled all that
out of your ass just now?
Little of A, a little of B,
but you have to admit I did
make some pretty good points.
Ah, you did. You did. And
thank you for bringing us.
It's been inspiring just being here.
Well, back to work.
Soda! Soda here!
So this must be quite a change,
- Ethiopia to New York City.
- I guess so.
I'm not making as much money
as I used to, but that's okay.
Wait, what? What were
you doing in Ethiopia?
I was a cardiothoracic surgeon.
Yeah, but then I won a
green card lottery,
and this was my chance
to come to America.
I had to take it.
If you're a doctor, how
come you're driving a cab?
Can't get certified yet.
Citizenship should help, but it
will still take a few years.
Can I... can I ask... uh, uh,
I mean, you had a nice life in Ethiopia.
Why not just stay?
Because America is the best.
Here, anything is possible.
Eh, so what I have to fill out
some papers, drive a cab,
leave my Jet Ski back home.
You have a Jet Ski? I have a Jet Ski.
Hey, Jet Ski buddies.
Oh, man, that sucks you
had to give that up.
No, it's worth it.
I'm here because I love America
and I want to be a part of it.
We all do.
That's really awesome, man.
Thanks for the ride.
Hey, uh, America is great,
and anything is possible,
et cetera, et cetera, but only if
you pay people for their work.
Yeah.
You owe me $27.50.
- Oh, sorry.
- Yeah.
Hey, what's up, y'all?
Who's ready to learn?
Hey, I stayed up late last night,
watched a bunch of YouTube
videos about American history,
somehow ended up watching, like,
three hours of people unboxing LEGOs,
which is weird 'cause I
don't even like LEGOs.
What's wrong?
They took Drazen.
- What? Who did?
- Immigration.
What are you talking about?
He has a green card.
Well, I guess he messed up
something on his paperwork
or something, and that's
enough sometimes.
God, he was so bad at that crap.
This blows.
Can you call one of your
city council people
and at least figure out
where they're holding him?
I doubt it. They're not
gonna take my calls.
They haven't spoken to me in months.
Wait, I'm sorry, I... I thought you said
someone was going to help us.
I, uh, I did say that, um...
and, uh, and that was a lie
and that was a crappy thing to do.
But, look, the... the truth is,
even if I had gotten through to them,
politicians don't spend their days
trying to figure out how
to help people like you.
But Hakim and I had
a... wait, wait, wait.
Hakim and I had a great
conversation last night.
We had a good talk.
I really want to help you.
Yeah, well, I don't think
we need your help anymore.
One billion dollars. We got a deal?
Please step to the shoulder.
What seems to be the problem, officer?
If you watch it too much,
it gets less funny,
but then if you keep watching it,
it comes all the way back
around the other side
and it gets really funny again.
Mal, you know those
people I was helping?
One of them got taken by ICE last night.
Can you believe that?
I mean, that's awful, but,
yeah, I can believe it.
Well, Drazen was doing everything right.
The guy had a green card.
It's messed up.
Yeah, it is, and it's
been happening for years.
I mean, maybe you could've
done something about it
while you were in office
instead of partying
on Alec Baldwin's yacht.
It was Daniel Baldwin's catamaran.
- I wish it was Alec's yacht.
- Gross!
You're right. I'm a screwup, right?
I should've just become
a doctor like you
and Mom and Dad and Falguni Auntie
and Harendra Uncle and
Bipin Uncle and...
You know what? I'd rather be a cliché
than someone who's pretending
to be Mr. All-American.
"Oh, look at me, I'm a politician.
I played baseball."
You know why I played baseball?
'Cause I was good at it.
And when kids saw that I was good,
they didn't bully me anymore.
They didn't see me as different.
They accepted me.
_
_
Okay, so this guy got taken.
What are you gonna do about it?
I mean, nothing. What can I do about it?
Of course.
Things got hard, and so
you're bailing again.
So is that step three or step four
of your five-step plan?
I'm Garrett Modi,
and I'm running to be
your next city councilor.
My parents moved to Sunnyside,
Queens, with one dream:
to raise their kids in the
greatest country on Earth
in the greatest city on Earth.
New plan.
A-ha! I found you!
Wait, before you say anything.
I'm sorry, okay? I really messed up.
I'm sorry for lying to you.
I'm sorry for being a dick.
Although, you know, lying
about your credentials
and putting your own
happiness above other people
really is one of the most
American things you can do,
so I guess that's another
lesson you learned from me,
and you're welcome. But my point is,
I want to make it up to you.
How many taxi cabs did you jump into
before you found me?
A lot. There are a lot of really
angry cab drivers out there.
So what do you say, man,
help me get everybody back together?
Let's go.
So we call this the Electoral College.
It's one college that does
not have a football team.
Oh, what are you even talking about?
Look, I told you, I'm
more of a science guy.
Hey, guys.
Hi, I know you're really
pissed at me, okay?
But I think I can help you and Drazen.
- Will you come with me?
- Oh, thank God.
- Bill Nye sucks.
- He's so boring.
Be less boring.
Hey, am I still gonna get paid?
Hey, Brady. Come with us.
We're getting the gang back together.
What? These aren't my glasses.
- I wear 'em as a joke.
- Come with us.
You guys cool with this?
Hmm.
- Sweet.
- Great.
Now we just need to find Griselda.
I'm right here.
I'm almost on my lunch break.
Where are we going?
- Hey.
- Oh, come on.
No, I want to apologize.
You know, I got to sit at that desk
basically because I was good at talking.
I talked this city into electing me,
and then I never did anything.
You're not gonna make that mistake.
You're obviously gonna be a
way better city councilor
than I ever was.
I mean, that's a pretty low bar.
Harsh but fair.
What I'm trying to say
is, I'm sick of talking.
I want to start doing.
Their friend Drazen got
taken by ICE last night.
Can you help us find him?
I can try,
but they don't allow anyone
into those facilities.
- I'll see what I can do.
- Oh, also, President Lady,
we need to get into a citizenship class.
- They're all booked.
- Actually, guys,
that part I think I have covered.
You know, when you're born in America,
you never really have to
learn how lucky you are.
I don't want to take that
for granted anymore.
If you'll have me as your teacher,
I'll learn whatever I have to.
I'll help you with the paperwork.
I'll help you study.
I'll know the Constitution
better than...
The guy who wrote the Const...
- James Madison.
- James Madison.
I said it at the same time as you.
I'll be with you every step of the way,
and we'll figure this
thing out together.
Also, here's your money back,
minus a couple of hundred
in teaching expenses.
Shoes count as teaching expenses.
Can we come to you
if we ever need any help
navigating this process?
Fine, but I'm only helping them.
Also, for your information,
there were a lot of drugs
left in your desk.
Those days are behind me. You keep them.
I threw them away, you maniac.
C'mon, guys.
Here, this is used.
Do you have recycling?
All right, can anybody tell
me who Benjamin Franklin was?
Ooh. He's the guy on the hundred.
Those are my favorites.
Why does anyone use the other ones?
- Okay, but what did he do?
- He flew a kite in a storm,
and that was smart, for some reason.
Yes, but that's not exactly
what I'm looking for.
Ooh, is he Hamilton from Hamilton?
- That's Hamilton.
- Are you sure?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure Benjamin
Franklin isn't Hamilton.
Garrett, I've been in surgery all day.
You can't just let a bunch
of strangers into my house.
Okay, rude.
First of all, it would only be
illegal if we were soldiers
and the government was forcing
you to house us here.
That's a little thing I like
to call the Third Amendment.
Boom.
Jun Ho, you learned something.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
I did. I'm amazing.
Am I the smartest person here?
What kind of surgery we talking about,
arthroplasty, fasciectomy?
- Who are you?
- I'm Hakim.