SunTrap (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Usual Suspects - full transcript

Oh. Ah! Yum, yum.

Please, Lorenza, no more.

Water... I need water.

Brandy... I need brandy.

Where am I?

1974, by the looks of you.

~ Lorenza!
~ Ah, stop shouting!

~ Stop shouting.
~ Stop shouting!

Stop shouting!

~ MUG CLINKS
~ Ah!

That's better. Do you
know what this is like?



This is like that film where a
bunch of people wake up in a cell

and have absolutely no
idea what's going on.

Saw. I never saw Saw.
Did you see Saw?

They should show it in
that cinema on the beach.

I'd love to see Saw on the seashore.

~ Shut up, Woody!
~ Morning.

Look at you, you look ridiculous!

Yeah, I look ridiculous(!)

~ That's what I said.
~ Good party?

I've absolutely no idea.

Sounds like a great party.

Oh, someone's coming. Thank God.

This'll be Donald, come to bail
me out. See you later, losers.

Send me a postcard from D Wing.



~ Zorro?
~ Hello, Boss - and Miss Melody.

Mr Hasselhoff, I am a big fan.

Good boy, Zoza, come to bail
me out. See you later, losers.

Send me a postcard
from what Melody said.

- In you go.

What's going on?

It would seem that, like you guys,

I have been detained on suspicion
on the murder of Elton John.

Oh. Typical.

♪ I could be wilder than the wind

♪ 190mph

♪ I'm in a whole other dimension
Dancing doubles on the floor

♪ You think I'm crazy
A little bit hazy

♪ But I'm stone-cold

♪ I could be wilder than the wind

♪ 190mph

♪ I'm in a whole other dimension
Dancing doubles on the floor

♪ You think I'm crazy
A little bit hazy

♪ But I'm stone-cold. ♪

~ Murder?
~ Yes.

~ Of Elton John?
~ No, not Elton John.

Elton Juan, the Spanish Elton John
from the party at Senor Big's house.

I got nothing. I had Lorenza's punch.

You don't remember the murder?

~ It was good punch.
~ You too?

Afraid so. Even my clothes
hurt. What about you?

My body's a temple - with a bladder
that disagrees with strong alcohol.

Hang on, I don't remember
you at the party.

You don't remember anything.

~ Good point.
~ What's this costume? The
invitation said "1970s".

Baywatch ran from 1989 to 2001.

Hang on, you weren't
at the party, were you?

All right, Judge Judy.
I didn't get an invite.

Must have been an oversight.

Well, if you didn't get an invite,
why are you dressed like that?

~ Like what?
~ Like that.
~ What?
~ That.

~ This?
~ That.

No reason.

- You, you're free to go, but
this is the last time, OK?

- Do not let me catch you impersonating
a life guard on the beach ever again.

I promise, officer, this is
the last time you'll catch me.

Woody, we've been
arrested for murder!

You've got to clear our names.

Trust me, if there's
one thing I'm good at,

it's clearing my friends' names of
the murder of pretend pop stars -

that's if there's one thing I'm good
at - and, trust me, if there is...

~ Get on with it.
~ I'm going.

I remember what happen.

~ I'm staying.
~ - You, out.

The first interesting thing
Zorro has ever said

and you want me to
leave? Have a heart.

- Out!

You, you have a visitor.

OK.

I miss you so much - your laugh,
your touch, the smell of your hair.

You look thin. Are they feeding you?

Little Zorro Junior cries himself
to sleep every night.

OK, this is what Brutus says
about wanting to strangle you.

The bed seems so big without you.

What would you like to know
about the party, Woody?

I thought you'd never ask.
Let's start with everything.

'The record producer, Mr Senor Big,
was hosting a party at his mansion

'for the launch of his new
singing sensation, Elton Juan.

'Mr Senor Big was telling
everyone who would listen

'that Elton Juan was
going to be a big star.'

MUSIC: 20th Century Boy by T Rex

'It was the party to be at.

'Everyone was there - Brutus...

'.. Melody and Donald...

'.. and me and Lorenza,
the caterers.'

Hang on, you're a suspect.
How did you kill him?

Serve him some of your
Cuban street food?

You don't joke about Cuba, OK?

That is off limits, man.

Hey, tantrum over. So,
why are you a suspect?

Elton Juan was a monster.

His single hadn't even
been released yet

and already, his ego was
completely out of control.

MUSIC: Gonna Make You
A Star by David Essex

'The man was a pig to everyone.

'And then, he turned on me.'

You, boy!

Get me pineapple daiquiri,

squirt of tonic, four cherries,

hold the pineapple, dash of soda,
don't hold the pineapple,

celery on the side in a straight
glass with two and a half straws.

Hold the pineapple.

Now!

I said five cherries, imbecile!

Big!

What's happened here?

I want him fired, now!

What you say to Senor Juan?

~ Nothing.
~ How dare you not speak to
Senor Big's client like this?

You are fired. Go. You go, go.

'And then I say some things
I'm not completely proud of.'

Hey, no offence, OK,

but why don't the two
of you go and...?

I'm proud of you.

An hour later, Elton Juan was pushed
from the balcony onto his head

and they think I was humiliated
and wanted revenge.

~ And did you?
~ Over a pineapple daiquiri, squirt of tonic,

four cherries, hold the
pineapple, dash of soda,

don't hold the pineapple,
celery on the side,

straight glass with two and a half
straws? Pfft, of course not.

It sounds like I need to
pay a visit to Senor Big.

Before I go, have you got a message
for little Zorro Junior?

Yes. Tell him he doesn't exist.

That's going to break his
little imaginary heart.

MUSIC: The Ghost by The Bamboos

'When it comes to crime, if
you've seen what I've seen,

'then you'll know you
haven't seen anything

'until you've seen the crime scene.

'It's always the scene to be seen at.

'It was time to see what
I could see at the scene -

'the crime scene.'

Can Senor Big help you?

DANISH ACCENT: I'm
hoping he can, yes.

Olaf Sigurdsson, CSI Denmark.

I have a few questions
I need to ask you.

The first question - do you
mind closing your kimono?

Do you mind telling me why

the Danish police are interested
in a murder of a Spanish singer?

Police exchange programme.

Detective Diego is currently over in
Copenhagen, investigating a bridge.

Are you any closer to finding
out who killed Senor Big's act?

Closer, no. Further away, yes.

Looks like you put on quite a party.

It was Elton Juan's night.

He was going to be a big star.

He was going to make
us both a lot of money.

Oh! It drives me so mad that
somebody could do this!

I can see your nuts.

You bet I am. I am furious.

You put on quite a spread.

Champagne, the cocktails, canapes...

and I can see your nuts.

Only the best, dry roasted.

I can see that from here.

So tell me, what happen at the party?

The champagne was flowing.

Everybody wanted a part of Elton.

We reveal the title of the debut
single. Everyone love it.

~ Oh!
~ Oh, wow!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Feel Too Good by The Move

'The whole party loved Elton Juan.

'Well, all except one loco.

'Elton had a fight with some idiot

'who came dressed as a
Elton Juan tribute act.

'Elton Juan was deeply insulted.

'In fact, it was broken up.

'Elton, he went up to the
balcony to calm down...'

.. and that was the very last I
saw of him before... before he...

~ .. Was pushed off a balcony onto his head.
~ Si.

It was such a shame.

I had big plans for him.

He was meant to be exclusively
performing Sandal in the Wind

tomorrow at my event.

It's a big showcase.

~ A clever title.
~ Thank you.

Senor Big thought of that myself -

and now the whole event is
ruined, because Elton Juan...

.. Was pushed off the
balcony onto his head.

I had a little chat with Senor Big.

Apparently, last night,

some idiot dressed as Elton
John was throwing punches.

Hang on, that was no
idiot. That was me.

Why did you go to a party thrown
by a man dressed as Elton John,

dressed as Elton John?

The invitation was confusing.

I lost my glasses and all
I could see was the words

"dressing up" and "Elton John".

He thought you were taking the mick.

He was being a right diva. Should
have seen him, Woodster.

Strode round the place
like he owned it.

'Nothing was right - the flowers,
the canapes, the drinks.

'He had a right strop at Zorro.'

Imbecile!

MUSIC: Kung Fu Fighting
by Carl Douglas

'Next thing I know,
I'm going toe-to-toe

'with the island's number
one Elton John impersonator.

'He had the weight advantage and
I was hampered with the specs.

'Before I could finish
it, the fight was stopped.

'We was pulled apart
by Frederico Mercury.'

Frederico Mercury as in...?

The island's number one Freddie
Mercury impersonator.

Of course. So what happened
after the fight?

Did you leave the party?

I should have, but I went
back for one more punch.

You punched him over the balcony?

No, the drink, you plum!

Listen, Woody, who's
looking after the bar?

Lorenza. I popped by earlier.
It all seemed pretty quiet.

CHEERING EDM MUSIC PLAYS

You have got fire insurance, right?

'Brutus was still a little fuzzy
on the events of the party,

'so I decided to sharpen things up
with a trip to Frederico Mercury -

'make him an offer
he couldn't refuse.'

AMERICAN ACCENT: The man,
the legend, the one,

the original Mr Frederico Mercury!

IMITATES APPLAUSE

~ What?
~ Now what, when and who?

Who is you and when is now and
why is let me tell you why.

What?

Hey, Blondie, you're witness to
this. We're about to make history.

~ What?
~ Right here is where we're going
to take this man out of San Prini
bar and make him a star.

I have left already.

I told the boss this morning,
I got a better deal.

Hold on. I love what you're saying,
but I got to take this.

Speak. Uh-huh, uh-huh,
uh-huh, uh-huh...

You want to get a drink out
of work, maybe a bite to eat?

I've got a boyfriend.

Whoa, no-one's talking to you,
honey. I'm on a call here.

Some people! Uh-huh...

Well, you can tell
Celine Dion she fired!

It's over! She dead
to me. Dead! OK, ciao.

You represent the real Celine Dion?

Not any more. She history.
I'm looking for new blood.

How would you like to be the richest Freddie
Mercury impersonator on the island?

Well, there are only
three of us, so...

Yeah, three still seem like a lot.

~ Listen, Mr...
~ No! Stop speaking. Sign with me.

I can make you a sort of star.

I'm sorry, but I cannot.

I have just signed an exclusive
contract with Senor Big.

Finally, I will get to show
people who I really am.

I get it. You want to break free.

~ What?
~ You got vision. One Vision.

It's what separates people like
you and Elton Juan from the crowd,

~ may he rest in peace.
~ Ah. You heard.

Almost before his head hit the
patio. You were at the party?

I... popped in.

You must be devastated.

Well, it's always very
sad when someone...

.. Gets pushed off a
balcony onto his head?

Of course, in your case it seemed to have
worked out pretty well, filling his shoes.

Ah, I had nothing to do with it.

If you ask me, they have already
arrested the person who did it.

~ The other Elton?
~ No.

That Ziggy Stardust woman from
the party with the ziggy-zaggy -

Christina.

~ Christina?
~ Si. I heard her arguing with
Elton just before, you know...

.. He was pushed off
a balcony onto his head?

~ Well?
~ Sorry, I think there's been some mistake.

I didn't want to speak to you.

What are you talking about? You
always want to speak to me.

No. I wanted to speak to Christina.

~ Who?
~ Your lightning bolt's blushing.

What do you know?

I know a lot more or a lot
less than you think I do.

Oh, God. It's coming back
to me now. He recognised me.

So, the fake Elton recognised
the fake Melody.

There's no fake Melody.

I was called Christina for a
little while, but I'm Melody.

This is me.

Yeah, thanks Ziggy.

Look, as your attorney, I advise
you to tell me everything -

and wear more silver. It
really brings out your eyes.

~ You're not my attorney.
~ No, you're right.

Should I give Don a call and
get your attorney down here?

SHE SIGHS

All right. Here's what happened.

MUSIC: Whole Lotta
Love by Led Zeppelin

'We were at the party

'because Donald had some business
dealings with Senor Big.

'As soon as we got there, Donald
started talking numbers with Big.'

4,007.

4,008.

~ Seven!
~ No, you loco. Come.

'It was a pretty lame party,
until I bumped into Brutus.

'Then it all gets a little bit hazy.'

The punch.

The punch.

'Whatever it is, it's very moreish,
so I went to get some more.

'And then, that's when
he recognised me.'

Christina?

Javier?

Hang on, who's Javier?

"Javier" is Elton Juan's real name.

Before he was a singer, Javier was
a gardener for my last husband.

Oh, you never mentioned your
last husband had a gardener -

or that you had a last husband.

Sorry, have we met? My
name's Woody, or is it?

~ Yes, it is.
~ Right.

When I was Christina, for a bit,
I might have been married to

an ageing Spanish criminal overlord
on the north of the island.

Oh, one of those ageing Spanish
criminal overlord types(!)

What happened?

He died in mysterious
circumstances. I don't know.

You killed him for his money.

For your information, I didn't
get anything in his will.

That must have been annoying,

after going to all the effort
of killing him for his money.

I didn't kill him! How long
have we known each other?

~ About five weeks.
~ Oh, yeah. Feels much longer.

I have that effect.

Look, I haven't murdered anyone.
I have nothing to hide.

Which is why you told Donald

all about your criminal overlord
ex when you met him.

No, of course not.

But Elton Juan was about to.

Ah, yes, the party.

Christina?

Javier? No, I'm not Christina.
You got the wrong person.

ELTON JUAN LAUGHS

Good guess on my name
then, Not Christina(!)

So, what name are you lying
under these days, hmm?

Don't know what you're talking about.

Melody!

Melody! Melody!

Melody!

Melody!

Melody!

Melody!

Melody!

I'm Susan.

Or Melody.

Melody!

I'm coming, my love.

Yes, let's go and have a chat, no?

You dare...

I swear, you come anywhere
near us, I will kill you.

Yeah, I probably wouldn't mention
that last bit to anyone else.

What happened next?

~ The punch.
~ So you have no idea?

Well, I know I didn't do it.

But what if Elton did get to Donald?

Well, that would explain
why he hasn't sent bail.

Woody, you've got to find
out what Donald knows.

Oh, God, Donald's
going to be furious.

I'm furious.

You're furious, I can tell.
Are you wearing eyeliner?

It's left over from the party.
Make-up's really hard to get off.

I don't know how women do it.

Little tip - baby wipes,
waste of time.

Always go for a
Vaseline-based product.

Thanks, that's really
helpful. What kind of...

What do you want?

I've been sent here to
talk about the party.

There may have been
a misunderstanding.

I don't want to talk about it - and I certainly
don't want to talk about it with you.

~ I'm furious, don't get me started.
~ I won't get you started.

You've got me started now!

You don't know how much money
I invested in that man.

Man? Yes, man. Which man?

Senor Bankrupt, all
mouth and no money.

Turns out he's not as
flush as he makes out.

Left me to pay for the
launch, everything.

Then my investment takes
a nosedive off the balcony

and my charity's got
nothing to show for it.

Must be an odd experience,
losing your own money.

~ What?
~ Nothing.

Well, stop bothering me if
you've got nothing to say.

You want to talk about nothing,
have a chat with Melody.

She's the expert on that.

Yes. Out of interest,
where is Melody?

Bathroom, I expect. She's
always in the bathroom.

Melody!

~ Hours locked in there, doing her make-up.
~ Mmm.

Speaking of which, you
got any advice for these?

'Teflon Don was still in
the dark about Melody,

'who was still in jail for murder,

'which I still wasn't
sure she didn't do.

'I had to make sure.'

~ You cannot see her.
~ Oh, yes, I can.

I know my rights and I know that
I'm well within my rights to ask...

What are my rights again?

She's been charged with morder.

Well, that's brought the mood down.

Why has she been charged
with "morder"?

A witness has come forward
to say that they saw her

push the victim off the balcony.

~ Who?
~ I cannot tell you.

Oh, no, don't worry,
you can. I checked.

Mime. Good idea. OK, let's
start with the first name.

How many syllables?

Sargento Juan?

OK, OK. Can I see Brutus instead?

We let your other friends go.

What? Into the wild?

They'll never survive.

CHEERING

Happy days.

No better feeling than
getting out of chokey...

Not that I've been in chokey
before, of course.

~ Cheers, everyone.
~ ALL: Cheers!

Oi! That's my booze.

Sorry, Brutus, we need
to get Melody out.

No need to thank me, Brutus' liver.

You mean Melody the
murderer, that Melody?

I don't know what it is, but I'm
pretty sure she's probably innocent.

Mmm. You sound convinced(!)

B, I need you to remember
what happened.

I've got nothing, mate.
Lorenza's punch.

~ THUMP
~ Ah!

LORENZA CROAKS

Lorenza says she has an
antidote to the punch.

It helps you remember.

Here goes.

Well?

Nothing. Sorry.

I think maybe my body's just too...

Get up, get up! [HE BABBLES
AT DOUBLE SPEED]

I arrived at precisely 9.36.

Oops Upside Your Head was playing
as we walked round the pool.

The capital of Papua New
Guinea is Port Moresby.

This stuff's good. The fight,
B, concentrate on the fight.

The fight started after
I intervened between

Elton Juan and Frederico Mercury.

Juan was mocking Mercury,

because Senor Big had
given Juan the contract.

~ Bingo.
~ When I was four, I met Henry
Cooper at a school fete.

All right, you can stop now.
I knew it wasn't Melody.

He was wearing a mustard
yellow cravat.

~ SLAP
~ My guess is,

Frederico Mercury overheard Melody's
conversation with Elton

and he immediately knew he
had someone to pin it on.

~ We've just got to track him down.
~ Yes, we do.

If only he was headlining

a heavily-advertised showcase
music event this afternoon.

MUSIC: Cissy Strut by The Meters

Senor Big is very proud to announce

the headline act for
this big showcase.

Now, as I'm sure you
probably heard already,

Senor Big is very sorry
to announce that recently,

I have lost one of the star acts...

.. Elton Juan.

He die last night, when he
was pushed from a balcony

and landed upon his head,

so I ask you now in his
honour of Elton Juan,

you please give me
one minute's silencio.

OK, that's about one
minute, it is over.

Now, will you please welcome here
today with his new hit single,

Frederico Mercury and listen,

bang-a-de-bang-bang,
bang-bang-bang, huh?

You'll buy the record, eh?

So now, big applause
for Frederico Mercury!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

~ Hola.
~ ALL: Hooray!

~ Hola.
~ ALL: Hooray!

This is my new single, Ready Freddie.

♪ I'm ready to be Freddie

♪ Not Eddie or Teddie or Betty

♪ Yeah, I'm ready and steady

♪ But mainly ready to be Freddie

~ ♪ Are you ready, Freddie?
~ Yes

~ ♪ Are you ready, Freddie?
~ Yes

~ ♪ Are you ready, Freddie?
~ Yes

♪ Are you ready, Freddie? Yes

♪ Hey-oh

♪ Hey-oh... ♪

There he is. Brutus, Zorro,
you take the right-hand side.

Lorenza and I will take the left.

As soon as he comes off stage,
we intercept. Let's go!

♪ Are you ready?

♪ Yes, I'm ready

♪ Are you ready?

♪ To be free

♪ Are you ready?

♪ Oh, yes, I'm ready.

♪ Are you ready?

♪ Yes, I am ready

♪ Are you ready?

♪ To be free. ♪

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

SPANISH ACCENT: Hey, hey, hey,
girls and ladies, make some noise.

Frederico Mercury.

Fantastic!

Say goodbye, Freddie.

What are you doing?

We need to talk about Elton
Juan. M-m-make some noise!

CHEERING

Oh, no!

CROWD: ♪ Oh, no.

♪ Oh, no

CROWD: ♪ Oh, no

♪ Oh-h-h-h no

CROWD: ♪ Oh-h-h-h no

~ ♪ Oh, no
~ CROWD: ♪ Oh, no. ♪

You've got the wrong guy.

Why would I push Elton Juan
off a balcony onto his head?

Cos I saw how he treated you.

You think I killed him
because I was jealous?

Of that two bit copycat lookie-likey?

~ HE SCOFFS
~ He's lying through his teeth.

~ Good one, Zorro.
~ - What?

If you're not the Killer
Queen, who is?

I cannot tell you, for
the sake of my career.

Well, I wouldn't worry about that.

Gracias, amigo.

Good luck with your next release.

It's going to be in 15 years,
with good behaviour.

No! I did not push him.

It was Senor Big.

He pushed him over.
I saw the whole thing.

'Senor Big, he took
Elton Juan upstairs

'to cool him off after the big fight.

'But Elton, he went crazy.
He had a huge tantrum.

'He was out of control, accusing
Big of being small time,

'that he was going to leave
him for a better manager.

'Big was telling him that he had
sunk everything into Elton Juan

'and if he left him,
it would ruin Big.'

SENOR BIG: [TUTS] Oh.

MUSIC: O Fortuna by Carl Orff

So, you see, you have the wrong man.

~ I am innocent.
~ Of murder, maybe.

But what about blackmail
to get a record contract,

falsifying witness
statements to the police

and worst of all, framing
a pretty lady?

Well, that's not fair, man.

This was meant to be
my time in the sun.

I think you've had enough
time in the sun.

Right, all we need to do
now is get our hands on...

Senor Big...

MUSIC: On The Sly by The Bamboos

HE CACKLES

He's at it again.

MUSIC: Mr Big Stuff by Jean Knight

Happy days.

No better feeling than
getting out of chokey...

~ Not that I've been in chokey before.
~ Yeah, you said.

Thanks for getting me out, guys.

If there's anything I can do - not
that, Woody - just let me know.

Well, how about you come and help
me pick up litter on the beach?

Why would I want to do that?
Why would you want to do that?

It's community service, for
impersonating a lifeguard, again.

The police say they've found
the speedboat, but no Senor Big.

Disappeared under mysterious circumstances,

but I guess that happens
sometimes, doesn't it,

Christina, Melody, Jeff...
What's your name again?

You know the tragedy in all of this?

~ We never got to hear Sandal In The Wind.
~ Never say never.

I picked up a copy when
I was over at Senor Big's.

You are a star.

Zoza!

MUSIC: Sandal In The
Wind by Elton Juan

You dancing?

You asking?

~ I'm asking.
~ No.

♪ Well, goodbye to my love

♪ You came from up above

♪ On a British Airways plane

♪ From Luton via Calais

♪ And darling I won't cry

♪ I won't let water
come out of my eyes

♪ I'll try not to get upset

♪ Even though you're dead

♪ And every time I

♪ And every time I Look
at your urn I still think

♪ You made my heart flutter

♪ Like a sandal in the wind

♪ Like a sand like a sand

♪ Like a sand like a sand

♪ Like a sandal in the wind

♪ Everybody down Everybody down

♪ Everybody down Come on

♪ Everybody down

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ Everybody down

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ Yeah... ♪ Oh, yeah.

♪ Sandal in the wind. ♪