SunTrap (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - In the Line of Fire - full transcript
Short of cash Woody agrees to deliver an antique urn to a nearby island on behalf of supposed courier Maria but finds he is the decoy whilst she delivers actual drugs. At the same time Brutus's wife Beverly turns up at the bar. Years earlier he had faked his suicide to get away from her and now she wants half of the bar so at Woody's suggestion he fakes a second death. This serves a dual purpose as Maria turns out to work at the local undertakers but in trying to get payment from her Woody nearly ends up dead himself.
You know the old saying,
"There's no time like the present"?
Well, what better present to get
yourself a share of than... what?
~ Paul?
~ Time?
Time-share, exactly!
You catch on quick, Paul.
~ You're a very lucky lady, Jan.
~ Jen.
Whatever.
Los Vanos Apartment Paradise,
the single best property
investment you can make,
~ no question.
~ I have question.
Yes, of course. Mr...?
No Mr - Sheikh.
Sheikh!
Sheikh Ratt-el Enrol.
What if I take them all...?
For whole year?
~ Is possible, yes?
~ Oh!
Sorry, Paul.
You snooze, you don't win.
Now, you take a cheque?
Ah, no cheques left,
I spend so much money.
Lamborghini, Lamborghini, jewels,
Pizza Hut, Lamborghini.
You take cash or jewels, Mr...?
~ Todd.
~ Ah, beautiful name. Mr Todd.
I put you in contact with my contact
who will put you in contact
~ with his contact, yes?
~ Well, of course, Sheikh.
SCOTTISH ACCENT: No,
laddie, no Sheikh.
John J Johnson, regional vermin
exterminator for the region
and the surrounding regions.
I just didn't want to embarrass
you in front of Paul and Jane.
~ Sorry, vermin?
~ Aye, vermin.
You, sir, are up to your ears
in earwigs, ticks, fleas,
parasites, pigeons, rats,
mice, lice, voles, polecats,
bed bugs and... did
I mention cockroaches?
~ Sorry, who called you in?
~ And thank God they did.
I'm putting you into shutdown,
effective immediately.
~ You haven't got the authority.
~ No, but I have.
I want to speak to your superior.
No need to thank me.
You need to leave now.
I'll stay on site for
as long as it takes.
Toss me the keys, laddie.
If there's one thing
cockroaches can't stand,
it's the sound of a
multispeed Jacuzzi.
Now go. I'll call you in a week.
~ But you haven't got my number.
~ No, but I have.
MUSIC: Stone Cold Sober
by Paloma Faith
♪ I can be wilder than the wind
♪ 119 miles an hour
♪ I'm in a whole other dimension
♪ Dancing doubles on the floor
♪ You think I'm crazy
♪ A little bit hazy
♪ But I'm stone-cold
♪ I can be wilder than the wind
♪ 119 miles an hour
♪ I'm in a whole other dimension
♪ Dancing doubles on the floor
♪ You think I'm crazy
♪ A little bit hazy
♪ But I'm stone
♪ Cold. ♪
SEAGULLS CALL
Brutus, big news.
I've found somewhere else to stay.
You can have your desolate fish
shed nightmare thing back.
Don't say you're talking about
my beautiful beach hut.
That's what I said. Your beautiful,
stinking beach hut apocalypse,
travesty,
dead-seagulls-on-the-bed
nightmare thing.
~ Never become an estate agent!
~ I'm moving out. No need to thank me.
You don't have to say a thing.
~ Zorro, Bloody Mary.
~ Thanks, B. Not too spicy.
It is not for you, you
plum. Zorro, spicy.
Spicy, no spicy, spicy, no spicy.
It's like... I don't know,
come on, man, forget about it.
Sorry, Woods, no dinero, no drinko.
Come on, B, I'm skint.
Maybe you could advance
me a month's wages.
You don't work for me.
~ OK, a month of his wages.
~ Look...
I'll help you out in the
empty pocket department.
I've got you a job.
You're the best. No,
wait, I forgot about me.
You're the second best.
Do you want the job or don't ya?
All you got to do is
deliver an antique.
I'm not interested.
Who's it for, anyway?
She's in the members' lounge.
Like I said, I'm interested.
There's a surprise. Her name's Maria.
That's not a surprise.
It would've been a surprise
if her name was Kevin.
Will you turn it off for one minute?
She's from a courier company.
One of her guys has let her down,
she's looking for someone
to step in - short notice.
~ She said she wants to hire
someone who's a bit of muscle.
~ Mm...
Yeah, that'll do it.
ITALIAN ACCENT: Hello, lady.
My friend, he say you looking
the man with the muscle.
Yes, I am. Do you know someone?
Ah!
He's me.
Really?
I'm a wise-a guy. I'm-a from Sicily.
My family, they're...
HE BEGINS TO CHOKE
They are...
Sorry, could you just...?
TOOTHPICK RATTLES ON TABLE
HE TAKES A DEEP BREATH
~ I'm Maria.
~ Woody.
Not very Sicilian.
Is-a short-a for Gino.
Really? Which part of
Sicily are you from?
Little village, you wouldn't know it.
Try me.
Ginelli.
You're Gino from Ginelli?
Si...
My great grandfather, he
invented the ice cream.
But enough about him.
Let's talk about me.
I am here, I am the muscle
and I can-a do-a your job.
OK, Gino, the job's yours.
Magnifico.
I need you to deliver an antique
to one of the islands.
Here are tickets for the ferry.
You'll be met at the port.
Come straight back
on the return trip.
And then, of course...
the dinner.
Why not, you can come to mine.
I know a lovely recipe
for toothpicks.
DEEP LAUGH
You're like-a me.
A bella with a sense of humour.
Except I am not a bella,
I am a fella.
One hell of a fella.
Can you not feel something
passing between us?
~ A urn?
~ Yes.
Please have a bit of respect.
Don't worry. Is-a safe-a with me.
In Sicily, we have a saying.
"You earn the respect
"or you learn you earn a turn...
".. in the urn."
It sounds better in Italian.
This job's important to me,
Gino. Don't muck it up.
You can rely on me.
As-a my great-a
grandfather once said,
"One scoop or two?"
He's not really Vantia,
but he was a wise-a man.
Zorro, where's my Bloody Mary?
Just looking for some celery.
And where are my sausages? Lorenza?
GRUFFLY: Si!
Blimey, how do you do that?
Lorenza, have you
cook-ed my sausages?
SHE CACKLES
She says they be ready
in five minutes.
Another close call for
Employee Of The Month(!)
But I think we have a winner.
Yum, yum.
All right, Bev? Usual?
Yes, please, Brutus.
Brutus.
SCREAMING: Brutus!
No, no, Brutus is dead.
I'm his cousin... of someone else.
You monster!
Beverly, calm down, let me explain!
'Let me explain.
'This is my ex-wife, Beverly.
'Long story short, we got
divorced, I faked my own death,
'ran off with her dough and
started a new life out here.
'I'd tell you more, but I'm a bit
busy with a customer right now.'
You little snake!
I knew you were too
vain to top yourself.
~ I'm going to kill you.
~ I can explain.
~ OK.
~ What?
~ Go on, then!
Ah, weren't expecting you to
let me. I can't really explain.
No, I'm just lucky that
I never loved you.
It's going to make it all the sweeter when
I take you for everything you've got.
Listen, Beverly, whatever we
were or whatever we weren't,
we were definitely in love.
Yes, it was intense.
Yes, it was torrid.
It was argumentative.
YOU were argumentative.
You were argumentative.
YOU were argumentative.
It was torrid.
You said that already.
Yes, cos it weren't half torrid, I
still can't straighten me left knee.
Well, that was your fault
for not warming up properly.
It's no-one's fault,
whatever went wrong or whatever
happened between us.
It was love.
~ You finished?
~ Mm-hm.
I'm still having the bar.
I was hoping you'd forgot about that
when I was doing my bit about the love.
I'm going to call my lawyer,
THEN I am coming back for the keys.
Ooooh!
Bar Beverly!
No, I've got it...
Bar...
FOR SALE!
It's times like these I wish I'd
taken the coward's way out...
.. and stayed married to ya.
It's my ex-wife.
'Out on the open sea.
'It's days like these I realise I've
got the best job in the world.
'There really is no better
place on the planet
'to be an urn delivery man.
'There's always one
idiot who spoils it.
'To be fair, it's usually me.'
Hey!
What do the police want?
They said they have information
that someone on the boat
~ is smuggling drugs.
~ Oh, right.
HE GULPS
Disculpe, senor.
Oh, thank goodness you're here,
officers. They went that way.
~ Who did?
~ You know, the men.
Men?
The nasty men. They tried
to give drugs to my baby.
~ Which way did they go?
~ They went that way.
No wait, that way.
Right to the other end
of the boat. My baby!
Hold your breath, Junior.
MUSIC: How You Like
Me Now? by The Heavy
♪ How you like me now?
♪ How you like me now?
♪ How you like me now?
♪ How you like me now?
♪ Yeah!
♪ Oh, yeah!
♪ Oh, yeah, I said
♪ Oh, yeah!
♪ Hey!
♪ Oh, yeah!
♪ Oh, yeah! ♪
So how'd it go?
Fine.
Right up until the point
I had to jump off the ferry
to be rescued by a hen
party on a giant banana.
~ Sounds pretty good.
~ Yeah, it was pretty good.
You look like you could do
with a Jaeger-tini. Dive in.
Here you go, my son.
Get your laughing gear around that.
Not for breakfast, thanks.
Oh, well. Your loss.
So what happened?
Mrs Priceless Antique
sent me out to sea
with this.
Wow! This is GOOD stuff.
None of that Spanish rubbish.
What are you doing?
It's talcum powder.
No Yardley Gentleman,
but it does the job.
Hang on, what's going on?
I ask myself that every ten minutes.
She must've been using me to
test a possible drug route.
~ Clever.
~ Pretty, too.
~ I actually meant you, Woody.
~ So did I.
Come on, B, we need
to track her down.
Sorry, son. No can do.
Got me own trouble and
strife to deal with.
My ex-missus has just found me.
I didn't know you got
married or divorced.
Congratulations and congratulations.
Met her after I left the paper.
When we got divorced, she tried
to take me for everything I got.
So you got a good lawyer.
~ So I faked my own death.
~ That was my next guess.
I left a suicide note,
done a bunk over here.
Of course, what could
possibly go wrong?
~ She walked into the bar
a couple of hours ago.
~ Apart from that.
She's going to take me
for everything I have got.
Relax!
~ It's obvious what you need to do.
~ What?
You need to fake your own death.
Hello, have you been listening?
You need to do it again, but this
time, you need to do it properly.
She needs to see you drop
dead right in front of her.
She would love that.
'While Brutus devised his demise,
'I had to solve a problem like Maria.
'My only link to her was an urn,
'so I planned to visit
the local funeral home.
'But first I thought I
could do with some help.'
No, of course not.
Come on, Melody. One
grifter to another?
One grifter to a former grifter,
now wife of a disgraced
billionaire septuagenarian
with an annoyingly innate ability
to not let on where
his money's stashed.
Like it, much snappier.
There is nothing in this whole
world that you could say
that's going to make me get off
~ this overly cushioned luxury
sofa on this 120-foot super yacht.
~ OK.
You asked for it.
You spend every day of
your life sitting here,
playing the long game, hoping
your pension-poacher husband
might finally let slip where he's
hiding all his dirty, filthy money.
And it's driving you crazy.
What you need is a
distraction. A plaything.
Something to waste a bit
of time. And guess what?
I'm that distraction.
I'm that plaything.
I'm that waste of time in your
otherwise joyless existence.
Well, that was surprisingly
astute for an idiot.
Thank you. And how dare you!
So you're in?
~ I'm in.
~ Great. It's a date.
It is not a date.
OK, so let's call it a
not-date. But you're in?
I'm in.
Great. It's a date.
First of all, can I offer my deepest
condolences, Mr and Mrs...?
HEAVY ACCENT: Tickler, Bud Tickler.
And this is my beautiful wife.
Nicola. Nicola Tickler.
Well, can I say how sorry
I am for your loss?
And how are you related
to the deceased?
He was our...
~ TOGETHER: .. daddy.
~ Grandpa.
My daddy... my wife's grandpa.
Our family tree looks like
it was hit by a lorry.
It's like we've lost two
members of the family.
Well, it is a difficult time,
but rest assured that we're here
to make things easier for you.
We have some terrific coffins.
Thank you. We appreciate it. Mr...?
Spencer, but please call me Colin.
You are the Spencer
of Spencer & Spencer?
Actually, I'm the "and Spencer"
of Spencer & Spencer.
My brother was the Spencer
of Spencer & Spencer,
but recently he passed away.
Oh, I'm sorry for your loss.
Oh, thank you. And I'm
sorry for your loss.
Thank you, and I'm
sorry for your loss.
Thank you, and I'm
sorry for your loss.
~ Thank you, and I'm sorry for...
~ Yes, we know.
So it must be difficult running
a business on your own.
Well, actually, my brother
left his side of the business
to his daughter.
Oh, well, that must be a comfort.
~ Not so much.
~ I'd like to meet her.
You know, if she's to be involved
in Daddy Grandpa's funeral.
Well... at some point, maybe...
but now let's talk coffins.
Let's talk urns.
Well, what we'd like
to do here, Mr Tickler,
is to talk through the
coffin options first.
They really are lovely.
And then move on to the urn options.
Or...
we could start with the urn options
and then move on to
the coffin options.
OK, we'll do that.
But let's just have a quick
look at the coffin options.
LOUD THUD
Oh, my, that's a lot of options.
BECOMING EMOTIONAL:
It's just too much.
I just need a moment. HE SNIFFS
Do carry on.
Nicola knows his wishes.
WAILING: I love you, Daddy Grandpa!
Have you thought about getting
him some professional help?
Yes.
~ So have you got anything in walnut?
~ Oh, have I!
Sh!
Keep a lookout.
Bingo.
You know what?
I've missed this.
So... what now?
Got it. We get drunk
and go to the cinema.
No, you're right, we'll
do that tomorrow.
For now, I wouldn't mind having
a word with this niece of Colin's.
All right, so we sit tight and
wait for the niece to show.
Stakeout, yay.
Don was off getting his blood
changed or something,
so we got plenty of time.
Time. What's the time?
Why?
I've got to get back to the
bar to pronounce Brutus dead.
~ You what?
~ I'm late.
You stay here. Stakeout, yay.
You are kidding me.
I'm here, I'm here.
About time. Right, let's do this.
Zorro, are you sure Lorenza
knows the plan?
HE WHISPERS IN SPANISH
SHE GROWLS
She understands.
Right.
Here's how it's going to go down.
'I'm meeting Beverly at Tipples.
'I'll get her an apple martini...
'.. soften her up with some stories
of the good old days...
'Lorenza, you come strolling by
with a nice, fat-looking handbag
'under your arm like you ain't
got a care in the world.
'Woody, you're disguised
as a doctor on holiday.
'Keep it simple, nothing fancy.
'Zorro, you leap out of the bushes,
grab Lorenza's handbag,
'have a bit of a grapple,
and that'll be my cue.
'I'm going to play the hero
and get stuck in with Zorro.
'Your job, Zorro, is to lay me out.
'Don't worry, I can take a punch -
'I was married to Bev.
'I'll make out I'm having a coronary.
'Then, Woodster, it's over to you.
'Your job is to pronounce
me brown bread.
'And don't forget your opening line.'
Let me through, I'm a doctor.
~ Let me through, I'm a better doctor.
~ I've got this one. Stay with me.
~ I want you to take some slow breaths.
~ Stand aside!
My name is Dr Swami Wami
and I am a doctor.
I think we're losing him.
Step aside, let him get some air.
~ He has no more need of air.
~ No, give him some air!
You people, don't gawp at
a man who's clearly dying.
Are you sick in your heads?
He's not dying. I've got a pulse.
It's a little bit erratic.
~ He's not well, but he's going to make it.
~ Leave it!
You've tried your best. He's dead.
Don't blame yourself.
~ He's fine.
~ Such a waste.
He had two or three good
months left in him.
Curses.
We'll get you to a hospital,
don't you worry.
Oh, my goodness! She's
also having heart attack!
Que...? Oh, oh, oh...
~ Medico, medico!
~ Other doctor, deal with her.
Stay with him.
I shall keep him company
on the journey
to the realm of his ancestors.
Where does it hurt?
He's carked it.
CROWD GASPS
'Then I had what can only
be described as an idea.
'If we held a service for Brutus,
'we could send him to the grave
in front of his ex-wife,
'and I could do some more
digging at the funeral home.
'Ya dig?'
Thanks for coming back to help.
Never duck out on a con.
It's just, you know, after...
You jilted me.
Not a problem, forget about it.
I have. Forgotten about it.
You jilting me.
Well, that's good.
Oh, Brutus,
my little butter biscuit!
SHE SOBS THEN INHALES
Oh, Bru, I'll always love you...
.. you git.
SHE SIGHS
BRUTUS EXHALES LOUDLY
~ Did you just hear something?
~ Yes!
Apologies.
Grief plays havoc with
my lower intestines.
Please, take your seat.
It's what he'd have wanted.
HE WAILS
(You OK, B?)
I'm dying here. Keep
a lookout for a sec.
~ MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES
~ Ooh!
You probably want to switch that off.
You're having a laugh! Took me a
month to learn how to switch it on.
OK. Play dead for a few more
minutes, I'm going for a snoop.
Excuse me, I've been informed
by Nicola Tickler
that her husband, Bud Tickler,
would like to say a few words
about his deceased father.
Oh!
Thanks, Nicola. Thanks a bunch.
To be honest,
I didn't think for a second
I'd be standing here
in front of you all,
talking about my...
dead father Brutus.
Now, some of you might be thinking,
"I didn't know Brutus had
a South African son."
And up until recently,
neither did he.
You see, Brutus left my mother
when I was just a baby.
My mother went insane and
married a rhinoceros.
Over time, I learned
to forgive Brutus,
and in the few weeks I knew him,
I learned he was a
man with a big heart
and an enormous liver.
Seriously, it would sort of push
out the bottom of his ribcage,
like a shoplifter stealing
a frozen chicken.
And he had this weird smell.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
Excuse me, I have to take this.
(What?)
(I was kidding.)
(Don't be like that.)
(Honestly, you barely notice it.)
(Especially when you do that thing
when you suck your belly in. What?)
(Good idea.)
(OK. Bye... bye.)
Another thing I learned...
Dad was skint.
He died absolutely penniless.
Because that beautiful...
.. lumpy...
stinking man in there
gave everything he had to charity...
including his bar.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm...
a bit emotional.
I do know that his last wish
was that we all join together
and sing the song that he
thought best summed him up.
HE SINGS: Come on, Eileen!
Everybody!
♪ Oh, I swear what he means... ♪
THEY SLOWLY BEGIN TO SING
♪ Rap-dap-be-dap-be-dap be-dap-be-dap
♪ Dap-dap-be-dap-be-dap be-dap-be-dap
♪ Dap-dap-be-dap-be-dap... ♪
Hello, lady. Fancy meeting you here.
Well, if it isn't the
incredible vanishing man(!)
You seem to have lost the accent.
It must've fallen out my pocket
when I jumped off that ferry.
Small talk, small talk,
where's my money?
You didn't finish the
job. Where's my urn?
You mean the urn full of
ashes that weren't ashes,
that were actually drugs
that weren't drugs,
but were actually talcum
powder? That urn?
~ You talk too much.
~ It's a problem.
I think it's caused by
me talking too much.
Oh, by the way, nice idea
with the talcum powder.
You knew there were cops on
that ferry looking for drugs.
~ No point wasting the good stuff on a set-up.
~ Close.
I suspected they'd be there,
but I didn't know... until now.
You didn't tip them off?
I'm not the rat in my family.
Uncle Colin, of course.
Trying to scare me onto the straight
and narrow, bless him.
~ You thought he'd set you up, so...
~ To be sure,
I set you up with one of these.
But you disappeared.
Well, isn't it time
you vanished again?
And this time, you can
take Brutus with you.
That all right with you, Brutus?
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
What the...?
~ Brutus, thank God!
~ Shut up, Woody! Listen to me.
No, you shut up. You've
got to help me.
~ No, shut up, Woody.
~ No, you shut up.
~ No, you shut up.
~ No, you shut up.
~ No, you shut up.
~ Right, let's both shut up.
Better. Now, where are you?
~ Brutus?
~ Now, he wants me to talk!
Where are you?
I'm in a coffin, somewhere
in the funeral parlour.
Maria must've hit me. Where are you?
~ I'm in a coffin.
~ I know you're in a coffin.
Get out of your coffin and come and
get me out of this coffin. And hurry!
Don't you think I'd
get out of my coffin,
then come and get you out of your coffin
if I could get out of my coffin?
~ What do you take me for?
~ COFFIN CREAKS
Whoa, what was that?
Someone moved my coffin.
Brutus, get me out of here!
~ 'Please hold the line.'
~ Brutus. You there?
'Please hold the line,
please hold the line.'
Help!
~ COLIN: 'Who's there?'
~ I'm in this coffin.
I can hear something.
I can hear flames.
~ 'That'll be the furnace.'
~ What do you mean the furnace?
Can you turn it off?
'Yes, on the main console
'to the left...
'there's a red button - press it.'
I can't press it! I'm in a coffin.
Help me.
Where are you?
I'm in a coffin.
'Ahh!'
I can't be sure, but I think
it's the chestnut deluxe.
Woody? Sorry about that.
Brutus, thank God.
~ Who designs these phones?
~ Not now.
~ I've just put you on hold with me cheek.
~ Not now!
I can feel the heat.
For God's sake get me out of here.
Woody, is that you?
Melody, thank God! Get
me out of this coffin.
Oh, is that the time?
I've got to go. Furnace, yay!
Melody.
Melody!
WOOD CREAKS
Hope you don't mind, I brought
a friend to your barbecue.
I had the situation
perfectly under control.
~ Uh, thank you?
~ No need to thank me.
Thank you!
Better.
~ What about Maria?
~ Taken care of.
I think I've put it on
silent now, can you help?
Ruined!
The chestnut deluxe!
Three coffins.
I'll have to burn them.
Mind if I get out first?
Nice pad, what'd it set you back?
It's... complicated.
I don't doubt it. How's your bonce?
I feel a bit like how you
must feel every morning.
Rule number one, never turn your
back on a woman holding her urn!
Relationship advice coming
from you, that's rich.
~ So your wife thinks you're dead again?
~ Yeah, I reckon.
Got to lay low for a couple of
weeks till she's back in Blighty.
DOORBELL RINGS
~ You expecting someone?
~ Mm.
~ Ted!
~ Todd.
Whatever.
I'm glad you're here. You
need to leave immediately.
~ We're about to fumigate.
~ Yeah, I've had you checked out.
You're not a vermin exterminator.
I've called the police.
Bad move, laddie. You better come in.
I was hoping it wouldn't
come to this.
What I'm about to tell you gives
you level three clearance.
Allow me to introduce myself.
My name is Agent Peter Smiley
and this is my colleague,
Special Agent...
Walker. Johnny Walker.
We're deep undercover on direct
orders of Queen Elizabeth herself.
Her Majesty was recently
the victim of a robbery,
and we believe the stolen goods
have found their way here.
~ Blimey!
~ Blimey ain't the half of it.
I suggest you get on to
your police friends ASAP
and tell them it's a false alarm.
Unless, of course, you want
the Queen on your back.
You don't.
She's surprisingly heavy.
~ But...
~ Then you come back here
and we will discuss
full reimbursement.
Maybe even a knighthood.
Chop, chop, Todd. Or should
I say... Sir Todd?
What should I tell head
office, because...?
~ We need to get out of here.
~ Ha!
Don't tell me, you'll be wanting to stay
in my fish shed nightmare thing again.
All right, I won't, but I do,
so I guess I just did.
Say, "Please."
Please.
One last spin in the Jacuzzi?
I thought you'd never ask!
I love this place!
I love the hypnotists' convention,
it is my favourite time of the year.
Relax. You've got the wrong man.
Please leave me alone.
You, sir, sleep. You,
madame, wake up.
The show has started!
You won't get away with
this, you lowlife scum!
I'm coming back and I'm
going to shoot you dead!
~ You've got a problem.
~ Oh, I've got a problem!
~ I've got a problem.
~ He's got a problem.
~ You do have a problem.
~ Argh! It's Donald.
I want the loo and I need a hand.
MUSIC: Why Did You Do It? by Stretch
♪ I've been thinking 'bout
what you have done to me
♪ Damage is much deeper
than you'll ever see
♪ Hit me like a hammer to my head
♪ I wonder, were you
pushed or were you led?
♪ Why did you do it?
♪ Why did you do that thing to me? ♪
"There's no time like the present"?
Well, what better present to get
yourself a share of than... what?
~ Paul?
~ Time?
Time-share, exactly!
You catch on quick, Paul.
~ You're a very lucky lady, Jan.
~ Jen.
Whatever.
Los Vanos Apartment Paradise,
the single best property
investment you can make,
~ no question.
~ I have question.
Yes, of course. Mr...?
No Mr - Sheikh.
Sheikh!
Sheikh Ratt-el Enrol.
What if I take them all...?
For whole year?
~ Is possible, yes?
~ Oh!
Sorry, Paul.
You snooze, you don't win.
Now, you take a cheque?
Ah, no cheques left,
I spend so much money.
Lamborghini, Lamborghini, jewels,
Pizza Hut, Lamborghini.
You take cash or jewels, Mr...?
~ Todd.
~ Ah, beautiful name. Mr Todd.
I put you in contact with my contact
who will put you in contact
~ with his contact, yes?
~ Well, of course, Sheikh.
SCOTTISH ACCENT: No,
laddie, no Sheikh.
John J Johnson, regional vermin
exterminator for the region
and the surrounding regions.
I just didn't want to embarrass
you in front of Paul and Jane.
~ Sorry, vermin?
~ Aye, vermin.
You, sir, are up to your ears
in earwigs, ticks, fleas,
parasites, pigeons, rats,
mice, lice, voles, polecats,
bed bugs and... did
I mention cockroaches?
~ Sorry, who called you in?
~ And thank God they did.
I'm putting you into shutdown,
effective immediately.
~ You haven't got the authority.
~ No, but I have.
I want to speak to your superior.
No need to thank me.
You need to leave now.
I'll stay on site for
as long as it takes.
Toss me the keys, laddie.
If there's one thing
cockroaches can't stand,
it's the sound of a
multispeed Jacuzzi.
Now go. I'll call you in a week.
~ But you haven't got my number.
~ No, but I have.
MUSIC: Stone Cold Sober
by Paloma Faith
♪ I can be wilder than the wind
♪ 119 miles an hour
♪ I'm in a whole other dimension
♪ Dancing doubles on the floor
♪ You think I'm crazy
♪ A little bit hazy
♪ But I'm stone-cold
♪ I can be wilder than the wind
♪ 119 miles an hour
♪ I'm in a whole other dimension
♪ Dancing doubles on the floor
♪ You think I'm crazy
♪ A little bit hazy
♪ But I'm stone
♪ Cold. ♪
SEAGULLS CALL
Brutus, big news.
I've found somewhere else to stay.
You can have your desolate fish
shed nightmare thing back.
Don't say you're talking about
my beautiful beach hut.
That's what I said. Your beautiful,
stinking beach hut apocalypse,
travesty,
dead-seagulls-on-the-bed
nightmare thing.
~ Never become an estate agent!
~ I'm moving out. No need to thank me.
You don't have to say a thing.
~ Zorro, Bloody Mary.
~ Thanks, B. Not too spicy.
It is not for you, you
plum. Zorro, spicy.
Spicy, no spicy, spicy, no spicy.
It's like... I don't know,
come on, man, forget about it.
Sorry, Woods, no dinero, no drinko.
Come on, B, I'm skint.
Maybe you could advance
me a month's wages.
You don't work for me.
~ OK, a month of his wages.
~ Look...
I'll help you out in the
empty pocket department.
I've got you a job.
You're the best. No,
wait, I forgot about me.
You're the second best.
Do you want the job or don't ya?
All you got to do is
deliver an antique.
I'm not interested.
Who's it for, anyway?
She's in the members' lounge.
Like I said, I'm interested.
There's a surprise. Her name's Maria.
That's not a surprise.
It would've been a surprise
if her name was Kevin.
Will you turn it off for one minute?
She's from a courier company.
One of her guys has let her down,
she's looking for someone
to step in - short notice.
~ She said she wants to hire
someone who's a bit of muscle.
~ Mm...
Yeah, that'll do it.
ITALIAN ACCENT: Hello, lady.
My friend, he say you looking
the man with the muscle.
Yes, I am. Do you know someone?
Ah!
He's me.
Really?
I'm a wise-a guy. I'm-a from Sicily.
My family, they're...
HE BEGINS TO CHOKE
They are...
Sorry, could you just...?
TOOTHPICK RATTLES ON TABLE
HE TAKES A DEEP BREATH
~ I'm Maria.
~ Woody.
Not very Sicilian.
Is-a short-a for Gino.
Really? Which part of
Sicily are you from?
Little village, you wouldn't know it.
Try me.
Ginelli.
You're Gino from Ginelli?
Si...
My great grandfather, he
invented the ice cream.
But enough about him.
Let's talk about me.
I am here, I am the muscle
and I can-a do-a your job.
OK, Gino, the job's yours.
Magnifico.
I need you to deliver an antique
to one of the islands.
Here are tickets for the ferry.
You'll be met at the port.
Come straight back
on the return trip.
And then, of course...
the dinner.
Why not, you can come to mine.
I know a lovely recipe
for toothpicks.
DEEP LAUGH
You're like-a me.
A bella with a sense of humour.
Except I am not a bella,
I am a fella.
One hell of a fella.
Can you not feel something
passing between us?
~ A urn?
~ Yes.
Please have a bit of respect.
Don't worry. Is-a safe-a with me.
In Sicily, we have a saying.
"You earn the respect
"or you learn you earn a turn...
".. in the urn."
It sounds better in Italian.
This job's important to me,
Gino. Don't muck it up.
You can rely on me.
As-a my great-a
grandfather once said,
"One scoop or two?"
He's not really Vantia,
but he was a wise-a man.
Zorro, where's my Bloody Mary?
Just looking for some celery.
And where are my sausages? Lorenza?
GRUFFLY: Si!
Blimey, how do you do that?
Lorenza, have you
cook-ed my sausages?
SHE CACKLES
She says they be ready
in five minutes.
Another close call for
Employee Of The Month(!)
But I think we have a winner.
Yum, yum.
All right, Bev? Usual?
Yes, please, Brutus.
Brutus.
SCREAMING: Brutus!
No, no, Brutus is dead.
I'm his cousin... of someone else.
You monster!
Beverly, calm down, let me explain!
'Let me explain.
'This is my ex-wife, Beverly.
'Long story short, we got
divorced, I faked my own death,
'ran off with her dough and
started a new life out here.
'I'd tell you more, but I'm a bit
busy with a customer right now.'
You little snake!
I knew you were too
vain to top yourself.
~ I'm going to kill you.
~ I can explain.
~ OK.
~ What?
~ Go on, then!
Ah, weren't expecting you to
let me. I can't really explain.
No, I'm just lucky that
I never loved you.
It's going to make it all the sweeter when
I take you for everything you've got.
Listen, Beverly, whatever we
were or whatever we weren't,
we were definitely in love.
Yes, it was intense.
Yes, it was torrid.
It was argumentative.
YOU were argumentative.
You were argumentative.
YOU were argumentative.
It was torrid.
You said that already.
Yes, cos it weren't half torrid, I
still can't straighten me left knee.
Well, that was your fault
for not warming up properly.
It's no-one's fault,
whatever went wrong or whatever
happened between us.
It was love.
~ You finished?
~ Mm-hm.
I'm still having the bar.
I was hoping you'd forgot about that
when I was doing my bit about the love.
I'm going to call my lawyer,
THEN I am coming back for the keys.
Ooooh!
Bar Beverly!
No, I've got it...
Bar...
FOR SALE!
It's times like these I wish I'd
taken the coward's way out...
.. and stayed married to ya.
It's my ex-wife.
'Out on the open sea.
'It's days like these I realise I've
got the best job in the world.
'There really is no better
place on the planet
'to be an urn delivery man.
'There's always one
idiot who spoils it.
'To be fair, it's usually me.'
Hey!
What do the police want?
They said they have information
that someone on the boat
~ is smuggling drugs.
~ Oh, right.
HE GULPS
Disculpe, senor.
Oh, thank goodness you're here,
officers. They went that way.
~ Who did?
~ You know, the men.
Men?
The nasty men. They tried
to give drugs to my baby.
~ Which way did they go?
~ They went that way.
No wait, that way.
Right to the other end
of the boat. My baby!
Hold your breath, Junior.
MUSIC: How You Like
Me Now? by The Heavy
♪ How you like me now?
♪ How you like me now?
♪ How you like me now?
♪ How you like me now?
♪ Yeah!
♪ Oh, yeah!
♪ Oh, yeah, I said
♪ Oh, yeah!
♪ Hey!
♪ Oh, yeah!
♪ Oh, yeah! ♪
So how'd it go?
Fine.
Right up until the point
I had to jump off the ferry
to be rescued by a hen
party on a giant banana.
~ Sounds pretty good.
~ Yeah, it was pretty good.
You look like you could do
with a Jaeger-tini. Dive in.
Here you go, my son.
Get your laughing gear around that.
Not for breakfast, thanks.
Oh, well. Your loss.
So what happened?
Mrs Priceless Antique
sent me out to sea
with this.
Wow! This is GOOD stuff.
None of that Spanish rubbish.
What are you doing?
It's talcum powder.
No Yardley Gentleman,
but it does the job.
Hang on, what's going on?
I ask myself that every ten minutes.
She must've been using me to
test a possible drug route.
~ Clever.
~ Pretty, too.
~ I actually meant you, Woody.
~ So did I.
Come on, B, we need
to track her down.
Sorry, son. No can do.
Got me own trouble and
strife to deal with.
My ex-missus has just found me.
I didn't know you got
married or divorced.
Congratulations and congratulations.
Met her after I left the paper.
When we got divorced, she tried
to take me for everything I got.
So you got a good lawyer.
~ So I faked my own death.
~ That was my next guess.
I left a suicide note,
done a bunk over here.
Of course, what could
possibly go wrong?
~ She walked into the bar
a couple of hours ago.
~ Apart from that.
She's going to take me
for everything I have got.
Relax!
~ It's obvious what you need to do.
~ What?
You need to fake your own death.
Hello, have you been listening?
You need to do it again, but this
time, you need to do it properly.
She needs to see you drop
dead right in front of her.
She would love that.
'While Brutus devised his demise,
'I had to solve a problem like Maria.
'My only link to her was an urn,
'so I planned to visit
the local funeral home.
'But first I thought I
could do with some help.'
No, of course not.
Come on, Melody. One
grifter to another?
One grifter to a former grifter,
now wife of a disgraced
billionaire septuagenarian
with an annoyingly innate ability
to not let on where
his money's stashed.
Like it, much snappier.
There is nothing in this whole
world that you could say
that's going to make me get off
~ this overly cushioned luxury
sofa on this 120-foot super yacht.
~ OK.
You asked for it.
You spend every day of
your life sitting here,
playing the long game, hoping
your pension-poacher husband
might finally let slip where he's
hiding all his dirty, filthy money.
And it's driving you crazy.
What you need is a
distraction. A plaything.
Something to waste a bit
of time. And guess what?
I'm that distraction.
I'm that plaything.
I'm that waste of time in your
otherwise joyless existence.
Well, that was surprisingly
astute for an idiot.
Thank you. And how dare you!
So you're in?
~ I'm in.
~ Great. It's a date.
It is not a date.
OK, so let's call it a
not-date. But you're in?
I'm in.
Great. It's a date.
First of all, can I offer my deepest
condolences, Mr and Mrs...?
HEAVY ACCENT: Tickler, Bud Tickler.
And this is my beautiful wife.
Nicola. Nicola Tickler.
Well, can I say how sorry
I am for your loss?
And how are you related
to the deceased?
He was our...
~ TOGETHER: .. daddy.
~ Grandpa.
My daddy... my wife's grandpa.
Our family tree looks like
it was hit by a lorry.
It's like we've lost two
members of the family.
Well, it is a difficult time,
but rest assured that we're here
to make things easier for you.
We have some terrific coffins.
Thank you. We appreciate it. Mr...?
Spencer, but please call me Colin.
You are the Spencer
of Spencer & Spencer?
Actually, I'm the "and Spencer"
of Spencer & Spencer.
My brother was the Spencer
of Spencer & Spencer,
but recently he passed away.
Oh, I'm sorry for your loss.
Oh, thank you. And I'm
sorry for your loss.
Thank you, and I'm
sorry for your loss.
Thank you, and I'm
sorry for your loss.
~ Thank you, and I'm sorry for...
~ Yes, we know.
So it must be difficult running
a business on your own.
Well, actually, my brother
left his side of the business
to his daughter.
Oh, well, that must be a comfort.
~ Not so much.
~ I'd like to meet her.
You know, if she's to be involved
in Daddy Grandpa's funeral.
Well... at some point, maybe...
but now let's talk coffins.
Let's talk urns.
Well, what we'd like
to do here, Mr Tickler,
is to talk through the
coffin options first.
They really are lovely.
And then move on to the urn options.
Or...
we could start with the urn options
and then move on to
the coffin options.
OK, we'll do that.
But let's just have a quick
look at the coffin options.
LOUD THUD
Oh, my, that's a lot of options.
BECOMING EMOTIONAL:
It's just too much.
I just need a moment. HE SNIFFS
Do carry on.
Nicola knows his wishes.
WAILING: I love you, Daddy Grandpa!
Have you thought about getting
him some professional help?
Yes.
~ So have you got anything in walnut?
~ Oh, have I!
Sh!
Keep a lookout.
Bingo.
You know what?
I've missed this.
So... what now?
Got it. We get drunk
and go to the cinema.
No, you're right, we'll
do that tomorrow.
For now, I wouldn't mind having
a word with this niece of Colin's.
All right, so we sit tight and
wait for the niece to show.
Stakeout, yay.
Don was off getting his blood
changed or something,
so we got plenty of time.
Time. What's the time?
Why?
I've got to get back to the
bar to pronounce Brutus dead.
~ You what?
~ I'm late.
You stay here. Stakeout, yay.
You are kidding me.
I'm here, I'm here.
About time. Right, let's do this.
Zorro, are you sure Lorenza
knows the plan?
HE WHISPERS IN SPANISH
SHE GROWLS
She understands.
Right.
Here's how it's going to go down.
'I'm meeting Beverly at Tipples.
'I'll get her an apple martini...
'.. soften her up with some stories
of the good old days...
'Lorenza, you come strolling by
with a nice, fat-looking handbag
'under your arm like you ain't
got a care in the world.
'Woody, you're disguised
as a doctor on holiday.
'Keep it simple, nothing fancy.
'Zorro, you leap out of the bushes,
grab Lorenza's handbag,
'have a bit of a grapple,
and that'll be my cue.
'I'm going to play the hero
and get stuck in with Zorro.
'Your job, Zorro, is to lay me out.
'Don't worry, I can take a punch -
'I was married to Bev.
'I'll make out I'm having a coronary.
'Then, Woodster, it's over to you.
'Your job is to pronounce
me brown bread.
'And don't forget your opening line.'
Let me through, I'm a doctor.
~ Let me through, I'm a better doctor.
~ I've got this one. Stay with me.
~ I want you to take some slow breaths.
~ Stand aside!
My name is Dr Swami Wami
and I am a doctor.
I think we're losing him.
Step aside, let him get some air.
~ He has no more need of air.
~ No, give him some air!
You people, don't gawp at
a man who's clearly dying.
Are you sick in your heads?
He's not dying. I've got a pulse.
It's a little bit erratic.
~ He's not well, but he's going to make it.
~ Leave it!
You've tried your best. He's dead.
Don't blame yourself.
~ He's fine.
~ Such a waste.
He had two or three good
months left in him.
Curses.
We'll get you to a hospital,
don't you worry.
Oh, my goodness! She's
also having heart attack!
Que...? Oh, oh, oh...
~ Medico, medico!
~ Other doctor, deal with her.
Stay with him.
I shall keep him company
on the journey
to the realm of his ancestors.
Where does it hurt?
He's carked it.
CROWD GASPS
'Then I had what can only
be described as an idea.
'If we held a service for Brutus,
'we could send him to the grave
in front of his ex-wife,
'and I could do some more
digging at the funeral home.
'Ya dig?'
Thanks for coming back to help.
Never duck out on a con.
It's just, you know, after...
You jilted me.
Not a problem, forget about it.
I have. Forgotten about it.
You jilting me.
Well, that's good.
Oh, Brutus,
my little butter biscuit!
SHE SOBS THEN INHALES
Oh, Bru, I'll always love you...
.. you git.
SHE SIGHS
BRUTUS EXHALES LOUDLY
~ Did you just hear something?
~ Yes!
Apologies.
Grief plays havoc with
my lower intestines.
Please, take your seat.
It's what he'd have wanted.
HE WAILS
(You OK, B?)
I'm dying here. Keep
a lookout for a sec.
~ MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES
~ Ooh!
You probably want to switch that off.
You're having a laugh! Took me a
month to learn how to switch it on.
OK. Play dead for a few more
minutes, I'm going for a snoop.
Excuse me, I've been informed
by Nicola Tickler
that her husband, Bud Tickler,
would like to say a few words
about his deceased father.
Oh!
Thanks, Nicola. Thanks a bunch.
To be honest,
I didn't think for a second
I'd be standing here
in front of you all,
talking about my...
dead father Brutus.
Now, some of you might be thinking,
"I didn't know Brutus had
a South African son."
And up until recently,
neither did he.
You see, Brutus left my mother
when I was just a baby.
My mother went insane and
married a rhinoceros.
Over time, I learned
to forgive Brutus,
and in the few weeks I knew him,
I learned he was a
man with a big heart
and an enormous liver.
Seriously, it would sort of push
out the bottom of his ribcage,
like a shoplifter stealing
a frozen chicken.
And he had this weird smell.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
Excuse me, I have to take this.
(What?)
(I was kidding.)
(Don't be like that.)
(Honestly, you barely notice it.)
(Especially when you do that thing
when you suck your belly in. What?)
(Good idea.)
(OK. Bye... bye.)
Another thing I learned...
Dad was skint.
He died absolutely penniless.
Because that beautiful...
.. lumpy...
stinking man in there
gave everything he had to charity...
including his bar.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm...
a bit emotional.
I do know that his last wish
was that we all join together
and sing the song that he
thought best summed him up.
HE SINGS: Come on, Eileen!
Everybody!
♪ Oh, I swear what he means... ♪
THEY SLOWLY BEGIN TO SING
♪ Rap-dap-be-dap-be-dap be-dap-be-dap
♪ Dap-dap-be-dap-be-dap be-dap-be-dap
♪ Dap-dap-be-dap-be-dap... ♪
Hello, lady. Fancy meeting you here.
Well, if it isn't the
incredible vanishing man(!)
You seem to have lost the accent.
It must've fallen out my pocket
when I jumped off that ferry.
Small talk, small talk,
where's my money?
You didn't finish the
job. Where's my urn?
You mean the urn full of
ashes that weren't ashes,
that were actually drugs
that weren't drugs,
but were actually talcum
powder? That urn?
~ You talk too much.
~ It's a problem.
I think it's caused by
me talking too much.
Oh, by the way, nice idea
with the talcum powder.
You knew there were cops on
that ferry looking for drugs.
~ No point wasting the good stuff on a set-up.
~ Close.
I suspected they'd be there,
but I didn't know... until now.
You didn't tip them off?
I'm not the rat in my family.
Uncle Colin, of course.
Trying to scare me onto the straight
and narrow, bless him.
~ You thought he'd set you up, so...
~ To be sure,
I set you up with one of these.
But you disappeared.
Well, isn't it time
you vanished again?
And this time, you can
take Brutus with you.
That all right with you, Brutus?
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
What the...?
~ Brutus, thank God!
~ Shut up, Woody! Listen to me.
No, you shut up. You've
got to help me.
~ No, shut up, Woody.
~ No, you shut up.
~ No, you shut up.
~ No, you shut up.
~ No, you shut up.
~ Right, let's both shut up.
Better. Now, where are you?
~ Brutus?
~ Now, he wants me to talk!
Where are you?
I'm in a coffin, somewhere
in the funeral parlour.
Maria must've hit me. Where are you?
~ I'm in a coffin.
~ I know you're in a coffin.
Get out of your coffin and come and
get me out of this coffin. And hurry!
Don't you think I'd
get out of my coffin,
then come and get you out of your coffin
if I could get out of my coffin?
~ What do you take me for?
~ COFFIN CREAKS
Whoa, what was that?
Someone moved my coffin.
Brutus, get me out of here!
~ 'Please hold the line.'
~ Brutus. You there?
'Please hold the line,
please hold the line.'
Help!
~ COLIN: 'Who's there?'
~ I'm in this coffin.
I can hear something.
I can hear flames.
~ 'That'll be the furnace.'
~ What do you mean the furnace?
Can you turn it off?
'Yes, on the main console
'to the left...
'there's a red button - press it.'
I can't press it! I'm in a coffin.
Help me.
Where are you?
I'm in a coffin.
'Ahh!'
I can't be sure, but I think
it's the chestnut deluxe.
Woody? Sorry about that.
Brutus, thank God.
~ Who designs these phones?
~ Not now.
~ I've just put you on hold with me cheek.
~ Not now!
I can feel the heat.
For God's sake get me out of here.
Woody, is that you?
Melody, thank God! Get
me out of this coffin.
Oh, is that the time?
I've got to go. Furnace, yay!
Melody.
Melody!
WOOD CREAKS
Hope you don't mind, I brought
a friend to your barbecue.
I had the situation
perfectly under control.
~ Uh, thank you?
~ No need to thank me.
Thank you!
Better.
~ What about Maria?
~ Taken care of.
I think I've put it on
silent now, can you help?
Ruined!
The chestnut deluxe!
Three coffins.
I'll have to burn them.
Mind if I get out first?
Nice pad, what'd it set you back?
It's... complicated.
I don't doubt it. How's your bonce?
I feel a bit like how you
must feel every morning.
Rule number one, never turn your
back on a woman holding her urn!
Relationship advice coming
from you, that's rich.
~ So your wife thinks you're dead again?
~ Yeah, I reckon.
Got to lay low for a couple of
weeks till she's back in Blighty.
DOORBELL RINGS
~ You expecting someone?
~ Mm.
~ Ted!
~ Todd.
Whatever.
I'm glad you're here. You
need to leave immediately.
~ We're about to fumigate.
~ Yeah, I've had you checked out.
You're not a vermin exterminator.
I've called the police.
Bad move, laddie. You better come in.
I was hoping it wouldn't
come to this.
What I'm about to tell you gives
you level three clearance.
Allow me to introduce myself.
My name is Agent Peter Smiley
and this is my colleague,
Special Agent...
Walker. Johnny Walker.
We're deep undercover on direct
orders of Queen Elizabeth herself.
Her Majesty was recently
the victim of a robbery,
and we believe the stolen goods
have found their way here.
~ Blimey!
~ Blimey ain't the half of it.
I suggest you get on to
your police friends ASAP
and tell them it's a false alarm.
Unless, of course, you want
the Queen on your back.
You don't.
She's surprisingly heavy.
~ But...
~ Then you come back here
and we will discuss
full reimbursement.
Maybe even a knighthood.
Chop, chop, Todd. Or should
I say... Sir Todd?
What should I tell head
office, because...?
~ We need to get out of here.
~ Ha!
Don't tell me, you'll be wanting to stay
in my fish shed nightmare thing again.
All right, I won't, but I do,
so I guess I just did.
Say, "Please."
Please.
One last spin in the Jacuzzi?
I thought you'd never ask!
I love this place!
I love the hypnotists' convention,
it is my favourite time of the year.
Relax. You've got the wrong man.
Please leave me alone.
You, sir, sleep. You,
madame, wake up.
The show has started!
You won't get away with
this, you lowlife scum!
I'm coming back and I'm
going to shoot you dead!
~ You've got a problem.
~ Oh, I've got a problem!
~ I've got a problem.
~ He's got a problem.
~ You do have a problem.
~ Argh! It's Donald.
I want the loo and I need a hand.
MUSIC: Why Did You Do It? by Stretch
♪ I've been thinking 'bout
what you have done to me
♪ Damage is much deeper
than you'll ever see
♪ Hit me like a hammer to my head
♪ I wonder, were you
pushed or were you led?
♪ Why did you do it?
♪ Why did you do that thing to me? ♪