Summer Love (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Jules & Tom and Jonah & Steph - full transcript
On their annual beach holiday together, two couples discover that their friendship has reached its expiry date.
(SUMMER LOVE BY SHERBET PLAYS)
MAN: Ah, it's an absolute classic.
From Sherbet - Summer Love.
It really is like no other love.
(RADIO PROMO): Our guarantee -
only the best of
the '70s, '80s, '90s and today.
Coast FM.
You got that right.
You're with Ocko and Sal.
And that rounds out our three at...
(SILENCE)
Best of the '70s, '80s,
'90s, and today.
- (LAUGHS)
- It's 2022.
It's Classic Coast FM.
22 years of music -
just didn't happen.
Except for the today bit.
They're happy with that.
Just update the promo, guys.
It's not hard.
(IMITATES PROMO) Coast FM -
all the music you've
heard so many times,
you don't hear it anymore.
You OK, babe?
Yeah.
Bit hungover, but, yeah.
This'll be fun.
Mm-hm.
They've finished that house.
- Ah. Finished it.
- Ugh.
- Ugh.
- Shithouse.
Hey, is Jonah
still working at Telstra?
I want to say... yes.
How can you not know?
I mean, we don't talk.
I mean, we haven't talked
for a while.
It'll actually be good
to see them both, won't it?
Yeah. It'll be great.
It'll be fine.
They're good in small spaces.
Well, it's a bit depressing,
isn't it?
I mean, will they care?
They won't care.
Will they?
Does it smell damp in here?
Do I smell?
A little bit, yeah.
- Don't, please.
- Oh...
I'm not ovulating till Thursday.
Don't do it.
OK, serious question.
Should we tilt
the blinds up or down?
- Oh, my God, down.
- Oh.
- What sort of psycho puts them up?
- What, really?
No, Steph. No-one cares.
Don't masturbate, Jonah.
I wasn't going to.
They beat us.
Annoying.
You know what? It's fine.
They had the master bedroom
last year. It's our turn.
Will they remember?
Steph will remember,
gajillion percent.
OK. You ready for this?
- Yes.
- What's wrong?
- You know.
- Yeah, I know.
But it'll be fine.
We'll just lean in.
- Mm-hm?
- Yeah.
OK.
- Are we good?
- Yeah.
- You right?
- Yeah.
- Hellooo!
- Hey, guys.
- Yo, yo, yo!
- Shhh!
- Sorry, guys.
- Oh.
- (WHISPERS) Molly's sleeping.
- We just put her down.
- Oh, sorry. Sorry.
- Oh, sorry.
Oh, my God, we got here a little
early to get her sleeps on schedule.
It's so good to see you guys.
- You too, Steph.
- How are you?
Mate.
Hello.
Good, how are you?
It's good to see ya.
Hey.
How is Miss Molly?
So excited to see her godparents.
- We just put her down.
- Yeah.
We told her you guys'd be here when
she gets up. She's pumped.
Oh, what a cutie.
- Cute.
- Oh, we should ger her up.
- No, no, no. Leave her.
- Don't do that.
- We just put her down.
- She'd be out of sorts.
No, that's alright.
Maybe we'll dump our shit,
we can hit the beach
and we can give her more time
to sleep, if you like.
- Yes.
- Yeah, just on that...
Would you guys mind
taking the back room?
Oh.
I know it's your turn to
take the master this year,
but we just thought it might be
better if Molly took it.
- Hey?
- Yeah.
That way you'd be
further away from her,
and we'd be on the same floor.
And then when she goes to bed,
you know, we can all just relax.
- Um...
- But...
Also, the, the master
has the adjoining bath,
which she's going to need,
so it'll just save us
dragging her through your room
Every time she needs a bath.
- No, totally. It's...
- Yeah, yeah. That's...
I mean... Yeah.
But couldn't you just bathe her
in the sink?
I mean, that's what you did
last year, wasn't it?
- Tom. Molly's 27 months.
- Yeah.
She's not going to go in a sink.
- No. No, of course she's not.
- Of course.
No, it's fine, guys. So fine.
I mean, if you really
want the master,
we can totally move her out of there
when she wakes up.
We can just like take down
the Pack 'n' Play,
take down the monitor,
take out the white noise machine.
- It's easy.
- It's pretty easy.
- Well, it's not easy. It can be done.
- No, it is. It is easy. Yeah.
We just THOUGHT that
it might be more fun,
we can make more noise later...
- Guys, honestly, it is...
- it is totally fine.
- Shh.
- Yeah.
- Sorry, we don't care, do we?
- No, we don't care. We don't care.
- We're only sleeping in there, so.
- Yeah, well.
We're never going to
be in our rooms.
Yeah, and 'cause it's
the smaller room,
less stuff for you guys to bump into
when you've got hangovers.
- Hangovers.
- (BOTH LAUGH)
- Yeah. Totally.
- Oh. Yeah.
So, alright, back room. No worries.
Yeah.
OK, OK.
Oh, sorry! One more thing. (LAUGHS)
Shoes off inside 'cause she's
very licky with floors right now.
Yeah.
- Are they fucking kidding?
- They have gotten so much worse.
It is mental.
So, just so I've got this straight,
there is a toddler
staying in the master bedroom.
And, sorry, but does this mean that
when we're upstairs
we're not allowed to make noise
if she's in the master bedroom?
They don't even see it.
It's pathological.
And can we stop with 27 months?
She's fuckin' two!
- Oh, God, that's right, this bed!
- Yeah.
Oh, it's so uncomfortable.
I actually don't know
how we're going to do this.
Look, it'll be fine.
He's your best friend.
- They've just gone a bit...
- Insane.
- Anxious. Is it just her?
- No. No, it's him too.
They've both lost it.
Look, I reckon they'll relax a bit
once we do.
No, it'll be fine.
Room, schmoom.
OK, we'll go for a swim,
we'll have a drink.
OK, we'll go for a swim,
Yeah. Yes, OK. Yeah.
Yeah. Yes, OK. Yeah.
We don't want another
Bali situation.
Fuck no.
They hate it.
You said they wouldn't care, Jonah.
Oh, fuck 'em.
They wanted to
bathe our daughter in a sink.
- Was that a joke?
- No.
But, you know, rewind three years,
and I would have said the same thing.
They don't have kids.
They don't get it.
We should have left her with my mum.
For a week? That's ridiculous.
She'd come back with diabetes.
(LAUGHS)
- Don't.
- They'll come round.
- I'm going to offer them our room.
- No, don't do that. Please.
I'll get some beers.
I'll lighten the mood.
I'll put on some Kenny Rogers.
(COWARD OF THE COUNTY
BY KENNY ROGERS PLAYS)
It's just always good,
this deck, isn't it?
- I know.
- I love it here.
- I know.
- I know. It's perfect.
Nearly perfect.
Remember when the rail gave out?
- (LAUGHS) Oh, shit.
- Come on.
- I forgot about that.
- It did give out!
- Hundred percent.
- Yes, of course it did, babe.
It wasn't the sangria or the mezcal.
It was the railing.
- Yeah. Well.
- (LAUGHS) Oh, shit.
- Was this before me?
- Yeah.
Well, it looks like
they've done some renos since.
Pretty sturdy now.
Yeah. Absolutely.
It is.
Did I hear that Lisa had a baby?
- Oh.
- You guys know?
- I don't know.
- I think she's due soon.
- Ah. Good on her.
- Yeah.
Good luck to her.
(MUSIC SKIPS)
- Haven't sorted the Bluetooth.
- ALL: Mmm.
No. That's the first time
it's happened, though.
Hey, I'm thinking, uh,
swims all round?
Yes.
Oh. Molly's still sleeping.
You guys go.
No, no, no, all of us.
We'll just be quick.
She can self-soothe, can't she?
No, mate.
- Oh.
- Yeah, it's all good.
I'd better start
prepping dinner, anyway.
- Yes.
- Dinner? It's the middle of the day.
- Is it?
- 3:30.
Yeah. What time's dinner?
Oh, we thought that
we'd all eat with Molly, together,
Oh, we thought that
at about 5:30.
At about 5:30.
Oh. OK.
Well, maybe we can all
Oh. OK.
Well, maybe we can all
go for a swim after dinner.
- Yeah.
- Um, yeah you guys can. We...
You can't miss bath time, though.
And you guys can actually bath her,
You can't miss bath time, though.
And you guys can actually bath her,
if you want.
She's off-the-charts cute
in the bath.
So am I. But I'm not asking you
to bathe me.
(BOTH LAUGH)
- Yeah.
- We... We'd love to bath her.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Cool.
Alright. Er, are you on...
- Salads.
- Salads. I'm on 'shrooms.
(BLUEY THEME PLAYS)
Bubba, fingers out of mouth, bubba.
- Excuse us.
- Oh, yum-yum, bim-bum.
Oh, chew your food, bubba.
- Thanks, mate.
- Chew, chew, chew.
- Yo.
- (BLUEY THEME CONTINUES)
Eat up, guys. There's more
if you want seconds, too.
- Thanks, mate.
- It's so good, you guys.
- So good.
- That's great, baby!
So good.
(BLUEY THEME ENDS)
(BLUEY THEME ENDS)
BLUEY: Bingo, check it out!
Building a house.
- Is it OK?
- It's great.
- Yeah.
- Yummy.
Cool.
BLUEY: Yeah, we can be neighbours!
- Beautiful.
- Mm.
..of Bluey's called Neighbours.
- Hey, guys?
- Mm?
Molly be happier
in front of the telly?
Molly be happier
Oh, there's no telly up here.
Oh, there's no telly up here.
And she's really into Bluey
right now.
- Unbelievable.
- That's cool.
(BLUE CONTINUES)
Here we are, eh?
- And how are the cats?
- How's the house?
Mate, the cats, you would laugh.
Princess Royale is 17,
and Flemmy's doing this thing now
where he'll only eat by himself,
in the dark.
(LAUGHS)
It's so ridiculous.
He insists on doing it in
the cupboard, and we can't...
- We have to feed him in the cupboard.
- It's so weird.
He's weird. He's got weird.
Yeah. I still haven't met your cats.
No! No, you wouldn't have, 'cause...
Yeah.
- Have you got any hot sauce?
- It's risotto.
No, I mean, yeah, it's beautiful.
I was just wondering.
Mm.
Yum.
(BLUEY CONTINUES)
- Oh, how good's the...?
- So which house?
- Sorry.
- What?
You said how was the house.
You mean the new house?
You have more than one house?
No, we moved out of the old house
to make more room for Moll.
- Mm.
- BOTH: Oh.
And, um... maybe another bubba.
- Oh, wow! OK.
- Ooh.
Yeah, but it was
all in the Christmas email.
- Mm-hm.
- Yeah.
- Mm. Mm.
- Mm.
So you're trying for another baby.
- That's awesome.
- That's amazing.
Yeah, we just didn't want Molly
to grow up... You know?
- Spoiled?
- Lonely.
Yeah.
We just want her
to have a little buddy.
No, that's all I mean.
You want her to have a little mate
'cause, you know,
because you know, only-kids
can be a bit, mm...
- No?
- Mm?
- No?
- Not really. Um...
Well I'm one of one.
Oh? Yeah? There you go.
- Good-a stuff-a.
- Mmm.
(BLUEY CONTINUES)
Have you guys watched Bluey?
- No.
- It's...
It's actually really good.
Like even... even for adults.
- No, I can't say I've ever caught it.
- It's really good.
- You love Bluey?
- You love Bluey, don't ya?
- The swimming pool one.
- Swimming pool... (LAUGHS)
You should really check it out.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, we'd love to.
Hey, mate, thanks for cooking.
This is really nice.
- To us.
- Hey!
And in the immortal words
of Kenny Rogers...
- You can't make old friends.
- That's right, mate.
- You cannot.
- Cheers.
ALL: Cheers.
- Love you.
- Love you.
Ohh.
- He's in construction.
- Oh.
Yeah.
OK.
(BLUEY PLAYS)
Can I just take a
picture of your canapes?
Oh. Yeah, sure.
I've already made a mess of mine,
Oh. Yeah, sure.
I've already made a mess of mine,
unfortunately.
Try and get the... Actually,
if you can get the light...
(BLUEY PLAYS)
Just go behind it.
If anyone has a bower they can...
- Really, Steph?
- Throw that bad boy away.
Lovin it.
Ooh, nap time, bubba. I'll be back.
- Do you want a hand? Or you...?
- Hey, let's go.
Oh, Blue, Blue, Blue, Blue.
Yeah, she's got to, she's got to
actually pat her to sleep.
Good afternoon, everybody.
- Oh, there's my little girl!
- Here she is.
- Did you change her, Daddy-Waddy?
- I did change her, Mummy-Wummy.
Good. Oh, did you get a fresh nappy?
No.
You didn't?
- Did Daddy not do it?
- No.
- No!
- Oww.
(SQUEALS)
Hey, what did we say about that?
- Sorry, she's just hungry.
- No!
- Yeah.
- No!
- Beer at the Brewery?
- Yeah. Nice.
Oh. Well, if we're doing
heteronormative stereotypes...
'Fraid so.
Then I guess it's wine time
for us, Steph.
You got it - then we can make
Little Miss Mollycoddle
You got it - then we can make
a snack together.
A snack together.
What you looking at?
Please.
Have a look at this.
Today's office. Etcetera.
Up your bum, no babies.
- Worked so far.
- Mm-hm.
- Hello.
- Oh, hoppy.
Hoppy little lady.
- Hoppy with that.
- Firm but forgiving, isn't it?
- Nice.
- Lovely.
Mm.
Oh, yeah, this is alright.
Hey, so have you guys definitely
drawn a line under having kids?
- Ohh, would have thought so.
- Ah.
Bit... Bit late now, I think.
- No, but didn't Jules freeze her eggs?
- No. Fuck no.
- Oh.
- No, no.
Fuck.
Nuh.
I don't know, man. I...
I reckon you're missing out.
Not on sleep.
No, it's the... it's...
It's the love. The love is, like...
There's really no love like it.
Oh, well. Yeah, maybe.
I mean, the sleep thing is real.
Mm.
It is.
And, you know, to be honest,
she can be... a lot.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
How so?
She's started this hitting thing,
which is driving us
a bit fuckin' crazy.
Which is driving us
Yeah, noticed that.
Yeah, noticed that.
How do you...? What do you...?
Do you ever hit her back, or...?
No, No.
- No?
- No.
That's not the message
we want to send.
- Right.
- Nuh.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Nuh.
So how do you deal with it?
I mean, I'm assuming
you can't reason with her.
(LAUGHS) Ha.
No. No, you cannot.
Um, no.
(LAUGHS)
I don't know. I mean, we try...
It's just a phase.
- Right.
- We've just gotta ride it out.
Yeah, right.
So there's no consequences?
Oh, no, we can restrain her.
Yeah.
Say no, and whatever.
But I don't know,
it probably just has to get
sorted out with other kids.
- You know, peer learning.
- Really?
Yeah.
Just waiting for some other kid
to hit her back?
- Is that bad?
- Well, no, I don't know.
I mean if... if it happens,
it wouldn't be a bad thing.
Yeah, right.
Hey, if you wanted,
I could always... give her a smack.
Hey?
Just you know, I mean,
if you guys can't,
but you want her to learn,
you know?
Only if you wanted, obviously.
If she hit me, I could just
you know, give her a little...
..smack.
Are you joking?
- No.
- No. Thank you.
- Yeah, right.
- But...
- No.
- No.
No, no, worries, I just thought...
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
All good.
- I need to take a whizz, man so...
- Yeah.
- ..be right backster.
- Get it done.
Good snack making.
Do you want me to
put some grapes there?
- Yeah.
- There we go.
OK.
Yes, you're such a big girl.
Good bubba.
- So, what's going on with your dad?
- Is he OK?
Ah, no. No, it's terrible.
Mum's a mess.
- Mama.
- Oh, what do you want?
Do you want some more grapes, bubba?
Mmm.
OK.
I'll give you some more grapes.
There you go, bubba.
Sorry, you were saying?
Oh, yeah, it's just
the radiation didn't work so...
Mum.
- They're thinking chemo might be...
- You cut it!
Sorry, Jules.
- Yep, we can do that later.
- No worries.
Sorry, Mummy's having
a conversation with Aunty Julie.
- Don't eat it.
- OK, Shh. Later.
I want to eat it. Don't eat it!
Oh, Jules,
just don't put the knife there.
- That's where she could grab it.
- Of course.
- No!
- Sorry.
- Mum!
- Shh.
OK, so when does he
start the radiation?
Oh, no, no, I just said that
the radiation didn't work,
so he's going to be trying chemo
in the next couple of weeks.
But, yeah, I don't know.
It's a bit too far along.
Oh. I'm so sorry.
Thanks. Yeah, it fucking sucks.
Oh. Sorry. Um...
It's frogging ducked up
and cancer's a clunt.
OK.
So you and Lisa just...
You haven't...
You never talk at all anymore, or..?
No. Ah, believe it or not, Steph -
not a massive fan of the concept.
Yeah, I understand that.
It's just weird, isn't it,
that you can be with someone
for as long as you guys were,
know someone inside and out,
and then just nothing.
Know someone inside and out,
That's it. That weird?
That's it. That weird?
We...
We never talked about
the grand final.
- How insane was that?
- I never saw it.
(LAUGHS)
No. I've actually...
I've actually
gone a bit cold on the NRL.
- Did I not tell you this?
- No, no. So have I.
- No, I'm serious too.
- I thought...
I thought about it a lot and I just
can't support that culture anymore.
Just with the misogyny
and how the club support rapists.
Just with the misogyny
I just... It's just a bit off.
I just... It's just a bit off.
Sorry, are we...?
- Is this a bit?
- No, man.
- No?
- No.
It's real. I can't...
I can't do it anymore.
But it's the footy.
It's... It's the footy.
It's actually
been weirdly easy to get off.
Like, I've surprised myself.
And I've been really getting into
the Premier League.
- Soccer?
- I know.
But when was the last time
you watched a full game?
2006, Australia v Italy.
You and me decided it was bullshit.
Watch it again, dude,
because the skills those guys have,
and the fitness is next-level, man.
Honestly, watch again,
because it makes footy players
look like a pack of gorillas.
Which, let's face it...
- Another beer?
- Yes, please.
Yeah, oh, shit.
Those steaks look good.
We should come back here tonight.
Yeah, righto. There's a couple of
good vego options as well, so...
What?
Oh, mate, we're off the meat.
What?
Oh, mate, we're off the meat.
Plant-based, completely.
And absolutely no judgement
if you wanna get a steak.
None taken.
It's just
the factory-farming situation -
I can't be part of that anymore.
Since when?
Um, been at least six months. Yeah.
When was the last time
we actually talked?
- Ahh...
- Just trying to think.
Shit.
- Been a while, eh?
- Yeah.
You're still at Telstra, aren't you?
- Telstra?
- Yeah.
I was retrenched last year.
- Oh.
- Remember?
Yeah, yeah.
That's right, yeah.
That's shit, man.
(BLUEY PLAYS)
(TURNS VOLUME DOWN)
Ooh, that's a little quiet, bubba.
Want me to turn that up?
Oh, no, it's fine. I just
turned it down so I could read.
Oh.
Sorry, was it, um...
was it a problem?
Not really.
It's just this is
the nicest room in the house.
It's just this is
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I just wanted some quiet.
But, you know, the iPad is
pretty much always on in here.
- Mm, no, no, it isn't.
- Steph, it is.
She is always on the couch.
Where do you want her to go?
Hey, no, I just mean.
It's hard.
I can't read in our room,
you know, 'cause it's a bit, shit.
'Cause Molly got the master?
- Well, yeah.
- Mm.
- I knew you'd hate that.
- Anybody would, Steph.
I'm not being unreasonable.
I mean, can't you get her
some headphones?
Mm, not at her age, no.
It's bad for their eats.
Hey, cuties, what's crappening?
- Oh, Steph.
- What?
Oh, shit.
Oh, my God? What is it? (GASPS)
How did she get that giant knife?
- Jules, what the fuck?
- I'm so sorry.
It was the one thing
I asked you to do!
You left the chair out.
Because she likes to be
involved in the kitchen.
She's two years old. Just give her
a bowl of fucking grapes.
Hey, hey, hey.
Let's just calm it down, yeah?
What? No, Tom.
She's had the run of the house
since we got here.
Well, yeah, she has.
Yeah, that's because
she's a toddler, guys.
What would you prefer, Tom?
We hit her?
- You texted her?
- Yep.
- Yeah.
- When?
In the toilet.
- That is so fucked up, man.
- Well, what'd you expect?
You offered to
hit your own goddaughter.
- I was trying to help you, mate.
- Oh...
- "She's a lot."
- She's...
Oh, well, I'm sorry that you guys
are having such a shit time
- here with us and our child.
- Oh, come on.
We're not having a shit time.
We're just ALL on Molly's schedule.
Ah, yeah, 'cause she's a baby, Jules.
You know what this is?
Classic you two.
- What's that mean?
- Nuh. No way. I'm not doing it.
Oh, no, no, we are doing it already.
Like 'classic' us? Classic what?
- Alright, alright, good.
- Good.
Ah, you're selfish.
You've always been selfish.
Oh, wait, is this about Bali?
Nuh.
Is it?
It was three years ago.
You know, you're the ones
who keep bringing it up, so...
Sorry we couldn't make
your destination wedding, guys.
Some of us have to work really hard
for every dollar we earn.
Yeah, well,
you squirrel it away enough.
Oh, we're going there, are we?
Mate, you are as tight
as a fish's arsehole.
- Are you right, mate?
- You were my best man!
Yeah, so pay for me.
No, everyone else made it work, Tom.
That's not how it happens.
I mean, Jetstar is so reasonable.
Yeah, but it's not just
about the flights, is it?
It's accommodation, it's the gift,
and everything had to fit the brief
of this perfect fucking
Instagram wedding
And we just didn't have the funds.
Sorry.
What do you mean, Instagram wedding?
Leave it, Jules.
Steph, everything you do
is for social media.
I haven't posted
a single thing this weekend.
You posted the smoothies
this morning!
- Oh, fuck, the smoothies.
- It's all for the 'Gram.
Engagement party, hen's party,
wedding, pregnancy announcement,
Engagement party, hen's party,
wedding, pregnancy announcement,
gender reveal...
- Oh.
- Baby shower.
Three of those - same event.
And then the baby gets its own page.
- Ah, which we know you unfollowed.
- Ah, yeah, we did.
Why would you unfollow
your own goddaughter?
Why would you unfollow
Hey, hang on, could we just maybe
Hey, hang on, could we just maybe
not push the goddaughter thing
so hard?
It's not an audience
with the Dalai Lama, mate.
You two don't even believe in God.
- Everybody does it, Tom.
- Oh, do they?
- Just get on board, OK?
- Yeah.
This is about Molly
having a community around her.
Right.
And tell me, is community the same
thing as Instagram followers?
'Cause I doubt
she knows the difference
With all the screentime she gets.
Oh, my God, you guys.
Oh, I am so tired of the judgement.
You know, this is MY holiday.
If I want to give her an iPad
for a whole fuckin' week,
that is my choice so that
I can spend time with my friends.
You have no idea
what it is like to spend every day
with a fuckin' tyrant
who hits you in the face
and just cries at anything
and won't eat her food,
and just cries at anything
and you and your needs,
and you and your needs,
they just disappear
and you and your needs,
they just disappear
right into the background, you know?
And you catch yourself in the mirror
on the way to her music lesson
where she's gonna
hit you in the face
with a fuckin' tambourine again,
and you think, "Who the fuck
is that sad, ugly ghost?"
That's what we're saying, Steph.
If she just had some
more boundaries...
- Ohh.
- No, Tom. No.
I will not be told what to do by
two people who don't have children.
- We aren't judging you, Steph.
- No, you are, you are.
And if you actually had kids, then
go for it. You can talk to me then.
Oh, what, so,
'cause we don't have kids,
- we don't get to have an opinion?
- No. No, you can't.
'Cause it's actually just judgement.
Have them then talk to me.
- Don't want fucking kids.
- Yes. Of course you don't.
Our life is very full!
No, well, you think it is, but...
- No, mate, it is.
- Yeah...
And you talk about judgement -
Steph, you are constantly judging us
for not having children.
We don't want your life.
We don't want
all the worry and the anxiety.
It looks horrible, quite frankly.
Yeah. Well...
See?
- See what?
- You're selfish.
Fuckin' hell...
Actually, no, it's not selfish.
Do you know what is selfish, Steph?
Selfish is having kids
and bringing them into a world that
isn't gonna be here in 50 years.
- Oh, right, Greta Thunberg.
- Yeah, mate.
I am fuckin' Greta Thunberg, OK?
'Cause you two seem very, very happy
to look Molly in the eye,
knowing that you're gonna die
and leaving her in a world
that's gonna be too hot to live in.
No more fish. No more trees.
She is going to witness
the collapse of every ecosystem
because it's being driven
by fucking narcissists
who just wanna have another baby.
"Oh, thank God, honey,
there's someone to remember me.
"And look, he, he has my eyes."
Well enjoy, Trash Island, Molly.
That and the other fuckin' kid
you're trying to have.
- We love her, and all.
- Of course we do.
We just don't want them.
Got that.
You know, maybe this doesn't
work anymore, this holiday.
Last year was a little tense, too.
- No it wasn't.
- It was.
Was it better with Lisa.
You know, am I Yoko?
Of course not, no.
No.
Maybe... No.
Oh, no, no.
I don't know what I'm saying anymore.
Is it you and me?
Might be, yeah.
Hey.
Hey.
We've, ah, made eggs
if you guys want some.
Oh, no thanks.
No, we're actually
thinking of heading off.
Got an earlier flight, so.
- Oh.
- You sure?
Yeah.
Did... Did you get it on points,
or...?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. We got on points
in the end, so that was a win.
- Mm.
- Cool.
Cool McGool.
Where's Molly? Is she having a rest?
Yeah.
Yeah, she had a bad night.
Hey, I...
I am sorry about the knife.
That was my bad.
- It's fine.
- Don't worry about it.
Anyway, ah, we're all packed,
so we might, we might head off.
- Yeah?
- OK.
- We'll come and see you off.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah great.
- Totally.
- Great.
- Do you want us to get Molly up?
- Yeah, that'd be nice.
- Yeah.
- OK.
- Yeah?
She just went down, but, yeah, OK.
Righto, then.
Hey, ah, we'll sort out
the money split,
just so you don't pay out
the rest of the week.
Just so you don't pay out
Oh, no, you don't have to. It's...
Oh, no, you don't have to. It's...
No, it's fine. It's no problem.
Yeah, that'd be great, actually.
Thanks.
Alright. See ya, man.
Yeah.
See you, Steph.
Yeah.
- See you, Steph.
- See you.
- Sorry things got...
- Me too.
- See ya.
- See ya, Steph.
- Bye, Uncle Tom.
- Bye. See ya, Moll.
- Have a good break.
- Take care.
Bye, Molly.
Can you say bye?
- Can you say bye-bye?
- Say bye.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye, Jules and Tommy.
- Drive safe, eh?
- Yeah, yeah. Will do.
And, um... Yeah.
Well, I'll let you know
when we get home.
Yeah.
Or not.
It's OK.
Cool.
Love you guys.
Love you too.
Love you.
Have a good one.
Love you.
- Have a good one.
- Will do.
(SIGHS)
You OK?
Yeah. I actually am.
Me too.
JONAH AND STEPH: One, two, whee!
One, two, whee!
(INDISTINCT LAUGHTER
AND CONVERSATION)
What's wrong?
I think I hit something.
- We found something in the pouch.
- Well, what'd they say?
It's a real
you break it, you bought it policy.
You're not ready for
any of this, are you?
We're still talking about
a kangaroo, right?
If we have a baby, we're
going to have an Aboriginal baby.
Yeah, I kind of figured.
I can't trust you.
Corrected & Synced by Petronella
MAN: Ah, it's an absolute classic.
From Sherbet - Summer Love.
It really is like no other love.
(RADIO PROMO): Our guarantee -
only the best of
the '70s, '80s, '90s and today.
Coast FM.
You got that right.
You're with Ocko and Sal.
And that rounds out our three at...
(SILENCE)
Best of the '70s, '80s,
'90s, and today.
- (LAUGHS)
- It's 2022.
It's Classic Coast FM.
22 years of music -
just didn't happen.
Except for the today bit.
They're happy with that.
Just update the promo, guys.
It's not hard.
(IMITATES PROMO) Coast FM -
all the music you've
heard so many times,
you don't hear it anymore.
You OK, babe?
Yeah.
Bit hungover, but, yeah.
This'll be fun.
Mm-hm.
They've finished that house.
- Ah. Finished it.
- Ugh.
- Ugh.
- Shithouse.
Hey, is Jonah
still working at Telstra?
I want to say... yes.
How can you not know?
I mean, we don't talk.
I mean, we haven't talked
for a while.
It'll actually be good
to see them both, won't it?
Yeah. It'll be great.
It'll be fine.
They're good in small spaces.
Well, it's a bit depressing,
isn't it?
I mean, will they care?
They won't care.
Will they?
Does it smell damp in here?
Do I smell?
A little bit, yeah.
- Don't, please.
- Oh...
I'm not ovulating till Thursday.
Don't do it.
OK, serious question.
Should we tilt
the blinds up or down?
- Oh, my God, down.
- Oh.
- What sort of psycho puts them up?
- What, really?
No, Steph. No-one cares.
Don't masturbate, Jonah.
I wasn't going to.
They beat us.
Annoying.
You know what? It's fine.
They had the master bedroom
last year. It's our turn.
Will they remember?
Steph will remember,
gajillion percent.
OK. You ready for this?
- Yes.
- What's wrong?
- You know.
- Yeah, I know.
But it'll be fine.
We'll just lean in.
- Mm-hm?
- Yeah.
OK.
- Are we good?
- Yeah.
- You right?
- Yeah.
- Hellooo!
- Hey, guys.
- Yo, yo, yo!
- Shhh!
- Sorry, guys.
- Oh.
- (WHISPERS) Molly's sleeping.
- We just put her down.
- Oh, sorry. Sorry.
- Oh, sorry.
Oh, my God, we got here a little
early to get her sleeps on schedule.
It's so good to see you guys.
- You too, Steph.
- How are you?
Mate.
Hello.
Good, how are you?
It's good to see ya.
Hey.
How is Miss Molly?
So excited to see her godparents.
- We just put her down.
- Yeah.
We told her you guys'd be here when
she gets up. She's pumped.
Oh, what a cutie.
- Cute.
- Oh, we should ger her up.
- No, no, no. Leave her.
- Don't do that.
- We just put her down.
- She'd be out of sorts.
No, that's alright.
Maybe we'll dump our shit,
we can hit the beach
and we can give her more time
to sleep, if you like.
- Yes.
- Yeah, just on that...
Would you guys mind
taking the back room?
Oh.
I know it's your turn to
take the master this year,
but we just thought it might be
better if Molly took it.
- Hey?
- Yeah.
That way you'd be
further away from her,
and we'd be on the same floor.
And then when she goes to bed,
you know, we can all just relax.
- Um...
- But...
Also, the, the master
has the adjoining bath,
which she's going to need,
so it'll just save us
dragging her through your room
Every time she needs a bath.
- No, totally. It's...
- Yeah, yeah. That's...
I mean... Yeah.
But couldn't you just bathe her
in the sink?
I mean, that's what you did
last year, wasn't it?
- Tom. Molly's 27 months.
- Yeah.
She's not going to go in a sink.
- No. No, of course she's not.
- Of course.
No, it's fine, guys. So fine.
I mean, if you really
want the master,
we can totally move her out of there
when she wakes up.
We can just like take down
the Pack 'n' Play,
take down the monitor,
take out the white noise machine.
- It's easy.
- It's pretty easy.
- Well, it's not easy. It can be done.
- No, it is. It is easy. Yeah.
We just THOUGHT that
it might be more fun,
we can make more noise later...
- Guys, honestly, it is...
- it is totally fine.
- Shh.
- Yeah.
- Sorry, we don't care, do we?
- No, we don't care. We don't care.
- We're only sleeping in there, so.
- Yeah, well.
We're never going to
be in our rooms.
Yeah, and 'cause it's
the smaller room,
less stuff for you guys to bump into
when you've got hangovers.
- Hangovers.
- (BOTH LAUGH)
- Yeah. Totally.
- Oh. Yeah.
So, alright, back room. No worries.
Yeah.
OK, OK.
Oh, sorry! One more thing. (LAUGHS)
Shoes off inside 'cause she's
very licky with floors right now.
Yeah.
- Are they fucking kidding?
- They have gotten so much worse.
It is mental.
So, just so I've got this straight,
there is a toddler
staying in the master bedroom.
And, sorry, but does this mean that
when we're upstairs
we're not allowed to make noise
if she's in the master bedroom?
They don't even see it.
It's pathological.
And can we stop with 27 months?
She's fuckin' two!
- Oh, God, that's right, this bed!
- Yeah.
Oh, it's so uncomfortable.
I actually don't know
how we're going to do this.
Look, it'll be fine.
He's your best friend.
- They've just gone a bit...
- Insane.
- Anxious. Is it just her?
- No. No, it's him too.
They've both lost it.
Look, I reckon they'll relax a bit
once we do.
No, it'll be fine.
Room, schmoom.
OK, we'll go for a swim,
we'll have a drink.
OK, we'll go for a swim,
Yeah. Yes, OK. Yeah.
Yeah. Yes, OK. Yeah.
We don't want another
Bali situation.
Fuck no.
They hate it.
You said they wouldn't care, Jonah.
Oh, fuck 'em.
They wanted to
bathe our daughter in a sink.
- Was that a joke?
- No.
But, you know, rewind three years,
and I would have said the same thing.
They don't have kids.
They don't get it.
We should have left her with my mum.
For a week? That's ridiculous.
She'd come back with diabetes.
(LAUGHS)
- Don't.
- They'll come round.
- I'm going to offer them our room.
- No, don't do that. Please.
I'll get some beers.
I'll lighten the mood.
I'll put on some Kenny Rogers.
(COWARD OF THE COUNTY
BY KENNY ROGERS PLAYS)
It's just always good,
this deck, isn't it?
- I know.
- I love it here.
- I know.
- I know. It's perfect.
Nearly perfect.
Remember when the rail gave out?
- (LAUGHS) Oh, shit.
- Come on.
- I forgot about that.
- It did give out!
- Hundred percent.
- Yes, of course it did, babe.
It wasn't the sangria or the mezcal.
It was the railing.
- Yeah. Well.
- (LAUGHS) Oh, shit.
- Was this before me?
- Yeah.
Well, it looks like
they've done some renos since.
Pretty sturdy now.
Yeah. Absolutely.
It is.
Did I hear that Lisa had a baby?
- Oh.
- You guys know?
- I don't know.
- I think she's due soon.
- Ah. Good on her.
- Yeah.
Good luck to her.
(MUSIC SKIPS)
- Haven't sorted the Bluetooth.
- ALL: Mmm.
No. That's the first time
it's happened, though.
Hey, I'm thinking, uh,
swims all round?
Yes.
Oh. Molly's still sleeping.
You guys go.
No, no, no, all of us.
We'll just be quick.
She can self-soothe, can't she?
No, mate.
- Oh.
- Yeah, it's all good.
I'd better start
prepping dinner, anyway.
- Yes.
- Dinner? It's the middle of the day.
- Is it?
- 3:30.
Yeah. What time's dinner?
Oh, we thought that
we'd all eat with Molly, together,
Oh, we thought that
at about 5:30.
At about 5:30.
Oh. OK.
Well, maybe we can all
Oh. OK.
Well, maybe we can all
go for a swim after dinner.
- Yeah.
- Um, yeah you guys can. We...
You can't miss bath time, though.
And you guys can actually bath her,
You can't miss bath time, though.
And you guys can actually bath her,
if you want.
She's off-the-charts cute
in the bath.
So am I. But I'm not asking you
to bathe me.
(BOTH LAUGH)
- Yeah.
- We... We'd love to bath her.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Cool.
Alright. Er, are you on...
- Salads.
- Salads. I'm on 'shrooms.
(BLUEY THEME PLAYS)
Bubba, fingers out of mouth, bubba.
- Excuse us.
- Oh, yum-yum, bim-bum.
Oh, chew your food, bubba.
- Thanks, mate.
- Chew, chew, chew.
- Yo.
- (BLUEY THEME CONTINUES)
Eat up, guys. There's more
if you want seconds, too.
- Thanks, mate.
- It's so good, you guys.
- So good.
- That's great, baby!
So good.
(BLUEY THEME ENDS)
(BLUEY THEME ENDS)
BLUEY: Bingo, check it out!
Building a house.
- Is it OK?
- It's great.
- Yeah.
- Yummy.
Cool.
BLUEY: Yeah, we can be neighbours!
- Beautiful.
- Mm.
..of Bluey's called Neighbours.
- Hey, guys?
- Mm?
Molly be happier
in front of the telly?
Molly be happier
Oh, there's no telly up here.
Oh, there's no telly up here.
And she's really into Bluey
right now.
- Unbelievable.
- That's cool.
(BLUE CONTINUES)
Here we are, eh?
- And how are the cats?
- How's the house?
Mate, the cats, you would laugh.
Princess Royale is 17,
and Flemmy's doing this thing now
where he'll only eat by himself,
in the dark.
(LAUGHS)
It's so ridiculous.
He insists on doing it in
the cupboard, and we can't...
- We have to feed him in the cupboard.
- It's so weird.
He's weird. He's got weird.
Yeah. I still haven't met your cats.
No! No, you wouldn't have, 'cause...
Yeah.
- Have you got any hot sauce?
- It's risotto.
No, I mean, yeah, it's beautiful.
I was just wondering.
Mm.
Yum.
(BLUEY CONTINUES)
- Oh, how good's the...?
- So which house?
- Sorry.
- What?
You said how was the house.
You mean the new house?
You have more than one house?
No, we moved out of the old house
to make more room for Moll.
- Mm.
- BOTH: Oh.
And, um... maybe another bubba.
- Oh, wow! OK.
- Ooh.
Yeah, but it was
all in the Christmas email.
- Mm-hm.
- Yeah.
- Mm. Mm.
- Mm.
So you're trying for another baby.
- That's awesome.
- That's amazing.
Yeah, we just didn't want Molly
to grow up... You know?
- Spoiled?
- Lonely.
Yeah.
We just want her
to have a little buddy.
No, that's all I mean.
You want her to have a little mate
'cause, you know,
because you know, only-kids
can be a bit, mm...
- No?
- Mm?
- No?
- Not really. Um...
Well I'm one of one.
Oh? Yeah? There you go.
- Good-a stuff-a.
- Mmm.
(BLUEY CONTINUES)
Have you guys watched Bluey?
- No.
- It's...
It's actually really good.
Like even... even for adults.
- No, I can't say I've ever caught it.
- It's really good.
- You love Bluey?
- You love Bluey, don't ya?
- The swimming pool one.
- Swimming pool... (LAUGHS)
You should really check it out.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, we'd love to.
Hey, mate, thanks for cooking.
This is really nice.
- To us.
- Hey!
And in the immortal words
of Kenny Rogers...
- You can't make old friends.
- That's right, mate.
- You cannot.
- Cheers.
ALL: Cheers.
- Love you.
- Love you.
Ohh.
- He's in construction.
- Oh.
Yeah.
OK.
(BLUEY PLAYS)
Can I just take a
picture of your canapes?
Oh. Yeah, sure.
I've already made a mess of mine,
Oh. Yeah, sure.
I've already made a mess of mine,
unfortunately.
Try and get the... Actually,
if you can get the light...
(BLUEY PLAYS)
Just go behind it.
If anyone has a bower they can...
- Really, Steph?
- Throw that bad boy away.
Lovin it.
Ooh, nap time, bubba. I'll be back.
- Do you want a hand? Or you...?
- Hey, let's go.
Oh, Blue, Blue, Blue, Blue.
Yeah, she's got to, she's got to
actually pat her to sleep.
Good afternoon, everybody.
- Oh, there's my little girl!
- Here she is.
- Did you change her, Daddy-Waddy?
- I did change her, Mummy-Wummy.
Good. Oh, did you get a fresh nappy?
No.
You didn't?
- Did Daddy not do it?
- No.
- No!
- Oww.
(SQUEALS)
Hey, what did we say about that?
- Sorry, she's just hungry.
- No!
- Yeah.
- No!
- Beer at the Brewery?
- Yeah. Nice.
Oh. Well, if we're doing
heteronormative stereotypes...
'Fraid so.
Then I guess it's wine time
for us, Steph.
You got it - then we can make
Little Miss Mollycoddle
You got it - then we can make
a snack together.
A snack together.
What you looking at?
Please.
Have a look at this.
Today's office. Etcetera.
Up your bum, no babies.
- Worked so far.
- Mm-hm.
- Hello.
- Oh, hoppy.
Hoppy little lady.
- Hoppy with that.
- Firm but forgiving, isn't it?
- Nice.
- Lovely.
Mm.
Oh, yeah, this is alright.
Hey, so have you guys definitely
drawn a line under having kids?
- Ohh, would have thought so.
- Ah.
Bit... Bit late now, I think.
- No, but didn't Jules freeze her eggs?
- No. Fuck no.
- Oh.
- No, no.
Fuck.
Nuh.
I don't know, man. I...
I reckon you're missing out.
Not on sleep.
No, it's the... it's...
It's the love. The love is, like...
There's really no love like it.
Oh, well. Yeah, maybe.
I mean, the sleep thing is real.
Mm.
It is.
And, you know, to be honest,
she can be... a lot.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
How so?
She's started this hitting thing,
which is driving us
a bit fuckin' crazy.
Which is driving us
Yeah, noticed that.
Yeah, noticed that.
How do you...? What do you...?
Do you ever hit her back, or...?
No, No.
- No?
- No.
That's not the message
we want to send.
- Right.
- Nuh.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Nuh.
So how do you deal with it?
I mean, I'm assuming
you can't reason with her.
(LAUGHS) Ha.
No. No, you cannot.
Um, no.
(LAUGHS)
I don't know. I mean, we try...
It's just a phase.
- Right.
- We've just gotta ride it out.
Yeah, right.
So there's no consequences?
Oh, no, we can restrain her.
Yeah.
Say no, and whatever.
But I don't know,
it probably just has to get
sorted out with other kids.
- You know, peer learning.
- Really?
Yeah.
Just waiting for some other kid
to hit her back?
- Is that bad?
- Well, no, I don't know.
I mean if... if it happens,
it wouldn't be a bad thing.
Yeah, right.
Hey, if you wanted,
I could always... give her a smack.
Hey?
Just you know, I mean,
if you guys can't,
but you want her to learn,
you know?
Only if you wanted, obviously.
If she hit me, I could just
you know, give her a little...
..smack.
Are you joking?
- No.
- No. Thank you.
- Yeah, right.
- But...
- No.
- No.
No, no, worries, I just thought...
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
All good.
- I need to take a whizz, man so...
- Yeah.
- ..be right backster.
- Get it done.
Good snack making.
Do you want me to
put some grapes there?
- Yeah.
- There we go.
OK.
Yes, you're such a big girl.
Good bubba.
- So, what's going on with your dad?
- Is he OK?
Ah, no. No, it's terrible.
Mum's a mess.
- Mama.
- Oh, what do you want?
Do you want some more grapes, bubba?
Mmm.
OK.
I'll give you some more grapes.
There you go, bubba.
Sorry, you were saying?
Oh, yeah, it's just
the radiation didn't work so...
Mum.
- They're thinking chemo might be...
- You cut it!
Sorry, Jules.
- Yep, we can do that later.
- No worries.
Sorry, Mummy's having
a conversation with Aunty Julie.
- Don't eat it.
- OK, Shh. Later.
I want to eat it. Don't eat it!
Oh, Jules,
just don't put the knife there.
- That's where she could grab it.
- Of course.
- No!
- Sorry.
- Mum!
- Shh.
OK, so when does he
start the radiation?
Oh, no, no, I just said that
the radiation didn't work,
so he's going to be trying chemo
in the next couple of weeks.
But, yeah, I don't know.
It's a bit too far along.
Oh. I'm so sorry.
Thanks. Yeah, it fucking sucks.
Oh. Sorry. Um...
It's frogging ducked up
and cancer's a clunt.
OK.
So you and Lisa just...
You haven't...
You never talk at all anymore, or..?
No. Ah, believe it or not, Steph -
not a massive fan of the concept.
Yeah, I understand that.
It's just weird, isn't it,
that you can be with someone
for as long as you guys were,
know someone inside and out,
and then just nothing.
Know someone inside and out,
That's it. That weird?
That's it. That weird?
We...
We never talked about
the grand final.
- How insane was that?
- I never saw it.
(LAUGHS)
No. I've actually...
I've actually
gone a bit cold on the NRL.
- Did I not tell you this?
- No, no. So have I.
- No, I'm serious too.
- I thought...
I thought about it a lot and I just
can't support that culture anymore.
Just with the misogyny
and how the club support rapists.
Just with the misogyny
I just... It's just a bit off.
I just... It's just a bit off.
Sorry, are we...?
- Is this a bit?
- No, man.
- No?
- No.
It's real. I can't...
I can't do it anymore.
But it's the footy.
It's... It's the footy.
It's actually
been weirdly easy to get off.
Like, I've surprised myself.
And I've been really getting into
the Premier League.
- Soccer?
- I know.
But when was the last time
you watched a full game?
2006, Australia v Italy.
You and me decided it was bullshit.
Watch it again, dude,
because the skills those guys have,
and the fitness is next-level, man.
Honestly, watch again,
because it makes footy players
look like a pack of gorillas.
Which, let's face it...
- Another beer?
- Yes, please.
Yeah, oh, shit.
Those steaks look good.
We should come back here tonight.
Yeah, righto. There's a couple of
good vego options as well, so...
What?
Oh, mate, we're off the meat.
What?
Oh, mate, we're off the meat.
Plant-based, completely.
And absolutely no judgement
if you wanna get a steak.
None taken.
It's just
the factory-farming situation -
I can't be part of that anymore.
Since when?
Um, been at least six months. Yeah.
When was the last time
we actually talked?
- Ahh...
- Just trying to think.
Shit.
- Been a while, eh?
- Yeah.
You're still at Telstra, aren't you?
- Telstra?
- Yeah.
I was retrenched last year.
- Oh.
- Remember?
Yeah, yeah.
That's right, yeah.
That's shit, man.
(BLUEY PLAYS)
(TURNS VOLUME DOWN)
Ooh, that's a little quiet, bubba.
Want me to turn that up?
Oh, no, it's fine. I just
turned it down so I could read.
Oh.
Sorry, was it, um...
was it a problem?
Not really.
It's just this is
the nicest room in the house.
It's just this is
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I just wanted some quiet.
But, you know, the iPad is
pretty much always on in here.
- Mm, no, no, it isn't.
- Steph, it is.
She is always on the couch.
Where do you want her to go?
Hey, no, I just mean.
It's hard.
I can't read in our room,
you know, 'cause it's a bit, shit.
'Cause Molly got the master?
- Well, yeah.
- Mm.
- I knew you'd hate that.
- Anybody would, Steph.
I'm not being unreasonable.
I mean, can't you get her
some headphones?
Mm, not at her age, no.
It's bad for their eats.
Hey, cuties, what's crappening?
- Oh, Steph.
- What?
Oh, shit.
Oh, my God? What is it? (GASPS)
How did she get that giant knife?
- Jules, what the fuck?
- I'm so sorry.
It was the one thing
I asked you to do!
You left the chair out.
Because she likes to be
involved in the kitchen.
She's two years old. Just give her
a bowl of fucking grapes.
Hey, hey, hey.
Let's just calm it down, yeah?
What? No, Tom.
She's had the run of the house
since we got here.
Well, yeah, she has.
Yeah, that's because
she's a toddler, guys.
What would you prefer, Tom?
We hit her?
- You texted her?
- Yep.
- Yeah.
- When?
In the toilet.
- That is so fucked up, man.
- Well, what'd you expect?
You offered to
hit your own goddaughter.
- I was trying to help you, mate.
- Oh...
- "She's a lot."
- She's...
Oh, well, I'm sorry that you guys
are having such a shit time
- here with us and our child.
- Oh, come on.
We're not having a shit time.
We're just ALL on Molly's schedule.
Ah, yeah, 'cause she's a baby, Jules.
You know what this is?
Classic you two.
- What's that mean?
- Nuh. No way. I'm not doing it.
Oh, no, no, we are doing it already.
Like 'classic' us? Classic what?
- Alright, alright, good.
- Good.
Ah, you're selfish.
You've always been selfish.
Oh, wait, is this about Bali?
Nuh.
Is it?
It was three years ago.
You know, you're the ones
who keep bringing it up, so...
Sorry we couldn't make
your destination wedding, guys.
Some of us have to work really hard
for every dollar we earn.
Yeah, well,
you squirrel it away enough.
Oh, we're going there, are we?
Mate, you are as tight
as a fish's arsehole.
- Are you right, mate?
- You were my best man!
Yeah, so pay for me.
No, everyone else made it work, Tom.
That's not how it happens.
I mean, Jetstar is so reasonable.
Yeah, but it's not just
about the flights, is it?
It's accommodation, it's the gift,
and everything had to fit the brief
of this perfect fucking
Instagram wedding
And we just didn't have the funds.
Sorry.
What do you mean, Instagram wedding?
Leave it, Jules.
Steph, everything you do
is for social media.
I haven't posted
a single thing this weekend.
You posted the smoothies
this morning!
- Oh, fuck, the smoothies.
- It's all for the 'Gram.
Engagement party, hen's party,
wedding, pregnancy announcement,
Engagement party, hen's party,
wedding, pregnancy announcement,
gender reveal...
- Oh.
- Baby shower.
Three of those - same event.
And then the baby gets its own page.
- Ah, which we know you unfollowed.
- Ah, yeah, we did.
Why would you unfollow
your own goddaughter?
Why would you unfollow
Hey, hang on, could we just maybe
Hey, hang on, could we just maybe
not push the goddaughter thing
so hard?
It's not an audience
with the Dalai Lama, mate.
You two don't even believe in God.
- Everybody does it, Tom.
- Oh, do they?
- Just get on board, OK?
- Yeah.
This is about Molly
having a community around her.
Right.
And tell me, is community the same
thing as Instagram followers?
'Cause I doubt
she knows the difference
With all the screentime she gets.
Oh, my God, you guys.
Oh, I am so tired of the judgement.
You know, this is MY holiday.
If I want to give her an iPad
for a whole fuckin' week,
that is my choice so that
I can spend time with my friends.
You have no idea
what it is like to spend every day
with a fuckin' tyrant
who hits you in the face
and just cries at anything
and won't eat her food,
and just cries at anything
and you and your needs,
and you and your needs,
they just disappear
and you and your needs,
they just disappear
right into the background, you know?
And you catch yourself in the mirror
on the way to her music lesson
where she's gonna
hit you in the face
with a fuckin' tambourine again,
and you think, "Who the fuck
is that sad, ugly ghost?"
That's what we're saying, Steph.
If she just had some
more boundaries...
- Ohh.
- No, Tom. No.
I will not be told what to do by
two people who don't have children.
- We aren't judging you, Steph.
- No, you are, you are.
And if you actually had kids, then
go for it. You can talk to me then.
Oh, what, so,
'cause we don't have kids,
- we don't get to have an opinion?
- No. No, you can't.
'Cause it's actually just judgement.
Have them then talk to me.
- Don't want fucking kids.
- Yes. Of course you don't.
Our life is very full!
No, well, you think it is, but...
- No, mate, it is.
- Yeah...
And you talk about judgement -
Steph, you are constantly judging us
for not having children.
We don't want your life.
We don't want
all the worry and the anxiety.
It looks horrible, quite frankly.
Yeah. Well...
See?
- See what?
- You're selfish.
Fuckin' hell...
Actually, no, it's not selfish.
Do you know what is selfish, Steph?
Selfish is having kids
and bringing them into a world that
isn't gonna be here in 50 years.
- Oh, right, Greta Thunberg.
- Yeah, mate.
I am fuckin' Greta Thunberg, OK?
'Cause you two seem very, very happy
to look Molly in the eye,
knowing that you're gonna die
and leaving her in a world
that's gonna be too hot to live in.
No more fish. No more trees.
She is going to witness
the collapse of every ecosystem
because it's being driven
by fucking narcissists
who just wanna have another baby.
"Oh, thank God, honey,
there's someone to remember me.
"And look, he, he has my eyes."
Well enjoy, Trash Island, Molly.
That and the other fuckin' kid
you're trying to have.
- We love her, and all.
- Of course we do.
We just don't want them.
Got that.
You know, maybe this doesn't
work anymore, this holiday.
Last year was a little tense, too.
- No it wasn't.
- It was.
Was it better with Lisa.
You know, am I Yoko?
Of course not, no.
No.
Maybe... No.
Oh, no, no.
I don't know what I'm saying anymore.
Is it you and me?
Might be, yeah.
Hey.
Hey.
We've, ah, made eggs
if you guys want some.
Oh, no thanks.
No, we're actually
thinking of heading off.
Got an earlier flight, so.
- Oh.
- You sure?
Yeah.
Did... Did you get it on points,
or...?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. We got on points
in the end, so that was a win.
- Mm.
- Cool.
Cool McGool.
Where's Molly? Is she having a rest?
Yeah.
Yeah, she had a bad night.
Hey, I...
I am sorry about the knife.
That was my bad.
- It's fine.
- Don't worry about it.
Anyway, ah, we're all packed,
so we might, we might head off.
- Yeah?
- OK.
- We'll come and see you off.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah great.
- Totally.
- Great.
- Do you want us to get Molly up?
- Yeah, that'd be nice.
- Yeah.
- OK.
- Yeah?
She just went down, but, yeah, OK.
Righto, then.
Hey, ah, we'll sort out
the money split,
just so you don't pay out
the rest of the week.
Just so you don't pay out
Oh, no, you don't have to. It's...
Oh, no, you don't have to. It's...
No, it's fine. It's no problem.
Yeah, that'd be great, actually.
Thanks.
Alright. See ya, man.
Yeah.
See you, Steph.
Yeah.
- See you, Steph.
- See you.
- Sorry things got...
- Me too.
- See ya.
- See ya, Steph.
- Bye, Uncle Tom.
- Bye. See ya, Moll.
- Have a good break.
- Take care.
Bye, Molly.
Can you say bye?
- Can you say bye-bye?
- Say bye.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye, Jules and Tommy.
- Drive safe, eh?
- Yeah, yeah. Will do.
And, um... Yeah.
Well, I'll let you know
when we get home.
Yeah.
Or not.
It's OK.
Cool.
Love you guys.
Love you too.
Love you.
Have a good one.
Love you.
- Have a good one.
- Will do.
(SIGHS)
You OK?
Yeah. I actually am.
Me too.
JONAH AND STEPH: One, two, whee!
One, two, whee!
(INDISTINCT LAUGHTER
AND CONVERSATION)
What's wrong?
I think I hit something.
- We found something in the pouch.
- Well, what'd they say?
It's a real
you break it, you bought it policy.
You're not ready for
any of this, are you?
We're still talking about
a kangaroo, right?
If we have a baby, we're
going to have an Aboriginal baby.
Yeah, I kind of figured.
I can't trust you.
Corrected & Synced by Petronella