Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (2006–2007): Season 1, Episode 9 - The Option Period - full transcript

Previously on Studio 60...

I've been asked not to appear at the Women United Through Faith concerts.

You shouldn't be appearing with groups that oppose gay marriage.

This woman has brought shame to your company.

Wilson White's ready to blame her if the China deal falls through.

I wouldn't get too many eggs in Jordan's basket

I don't think she's going to make it through this any more.

I want to know what you and Shelly are doing about this latest round of press.

Make it stop.

Matt, you think there's any chance you might get down off your horse and stop being pissed at us?

Not a big chance, not.



You want us to quit?

Badly. You think it's going to happen?

Not a big chance, no.

THE OPTION PERIOD

Roll credits!

Cal, where are you going? We're still rolling?

Move!

Here you go.

Hey, Cal.

You know what happened?

Man, you get here from the control room fast.

Do you know what happened?

What?

No, I'm asking if you knew what the cause was?



Cal, I honestly have no idea what you're talking about.

Did you watch the show tonight?

Yeah.

All of it?

What the hell is going on?

We got to the 'goodnights' 37 seconds early;

Danny had to have Jessica Simpson fill. Nice girl, nice performer;

don't want her to extemporize on her air.

She had time to thank her pets, and then she asked us all to pray for peace in the Midwest.

I'm sure she meant Middle East.

I know she meant Middle East.

How is this our fault?

I'm not saying it's your fault, I'm asking if you know what happened!

No!

Wait.

You printed the scripts out in the wrong format.

This is half-hour.

We do our show on 40-second page.

The script department prints the scripts -

Who's the supervisor for the script department, Rick?

Look -

You want me to chew out a bunch of interns who drive 1992 Honda Civics or do you think it should be you two?

I vote for the interns.

Before you leave for the wrap party, stick around and have somebody put together an as-aired script

in 40-second page for closed captioning.

We also blew a couple of cards in the Visa sketch.

Who supervises the cards, Rick?

We forgot to change formats.

And we're out.

What happened with the blood?

I just had a talk with the guy. It was a sub.

FX was a sub?

Yeah.

What happened?

You don't want to know.

Yes, I do.

He said it wasn't realistic.

What wasn't realistic?

He felt the amount of blood you were asking for wasn't realistic.

I'm going to go out of my mind.

I know, that's why I didn't --

The sketch was called "Quentin Tarentino's Hallmark Movie:

Turkey Won't Die."

It was about a mortally wounded turkey that won't die, even while being served.

Did he find the premise realistic?

I made that point.

If geysers of blood are gushing out, then I get the Tarentino joke, and it's funny.

If it's just a realistic amount of blood, then it's extremely disturbing.

I made that point as well.

Fire him.

Believe me, I would. If only he worked here.

He's a sub.

Right.

Damn it.

Yeah.

I want to fire somebody.

We'll look around at the party; come on.

We blew a card in the Visa sketch.

Yeah?

Alex saved it, but not by much.

I'll tell you, considering me and half the cast spent most of the day in Pahrump, Nevada

I thought it was a pretty good show.

Yeah?

I did.

Indiana, Illinois, Missouri. Are rebel forces gathering?

No.

Then why are we praying for peace in the Midwest?

Girl's nice to look at.

Good thing.

Week's over. Let's go to the party.

Hey, good show.

You saw it?

I saw the end

and I think we should all take a moment to consider the suffering in Des Moines.

For reasons I'll get to the bottom of, we came down a little early

and I had to ask Jess to fill.

Well, you put the show in steady hands.

I left a message for you.

And I returned that call.

And I returned that call.

And I returned that call.

And then I left another message for you.

And I returned that call.

What do you need?

I'm going to make myself a drink and weep.

Let's go to the party.

I need to speak to you.

And I need to speak to you. Let's do it at the party.

No, I want the party to be a party. Let's do business and get out of here.

Do business? What, am I from the Tartaglia family?

Are either of you either remotely concerned that I tanked tonight?

You didn't tank!

Yes, I sure did.

You didn't.

Hang on, 'cause I'm curious.

What if you did tank tonight?

What do you think would happen?

Strangers wouldn't like me, friends wouldn't like me, the network wouldn't like me, the press wouldn't like me

women in general wouldn't like me, and Harriet wouldn't like me.

Is he in therapy?

Nah, he's got me.

Is this important?

What?

What you need to talk to him about and what you need to talk to her about.

Yes.

Harriet --

OH!

What do you want?

We want to talk to you.

Can we talk at the party when I'm not in my underwear?

We'd like to talk now.

Why?

Because this is an intervention.

Synch : Nuwanda
Transcript : jackoweskla

Turn around, turn around.

Stay turned around.

People knock on closed doors in America

Look --

Were the two of you raised on a farm?

I was.

I was raised over a heroin dealership

That's no excuse for bad manners.

Harry, we've seen you do quick changes every week. We've seen you in your underwear

That's backstage, that's doing a show!

I don't wear my bikini to the grocery store!

Bet you'd get a good deal on the food.

How'd you even know about the magazine?

These things are in the air supply, it's show night

people are coming and going, you can't definitively say it was this person or that person --

JEANNIE!

I tried to keep Jeannie out of it.

Well done.

Open the door, Jeannie.

Are you climbing out the window?

I'm not climbing out the window.

I am not a child.

I was pretending I wasn't here.

You told Tom and Simon.

Oh, about the ma --

Yes, and please don't say it out loud.

Yes, I did.

Why?

Was I not supposed to do that?

No

Then I am at fault.

Yes.

In fairness, I didn't know it was in confidence.

Except for when I said, "Can I tell you something in confidence?"

You were talking about this?

Jeannie!

Oh, please! If you told me "in confidence" that you were about to take a fistful

of bear tranquilizers, you don't think that I would tell Simon and Tom?

Okay, before we go any further

please tell me that if my life is ever in jeopardy there will be people you'll call before them!

What's up?

Thanks, guys.

Hey, I've been under arrest most of the day because of you.

And my joint's still in Nevada.

I'm just saying.

Okay, I'm going in my dressing room now, I'm closing the door

and I'm changing for the party. At the party,

pretend you don't know me. You all get one night in the penalty box. I'm Harriet Hayes.

The cool people are going to gravitate to me.

Harriet, the gay people are going to gravitate to you,

and if any of them are cool they're going to gravitate to me. Let's not be delusional.

I could have joined the CIA

They wanted me.

Harriet?

Harriet!

Okay, so the cat's out of the bag.

Now let us talk to you!

Then we at least have to go on the record saying at this point in your career with the kinds of doors that are open to you..

it's a mistake to pose for a layout in --

Get in here.

As much as I'd pay way more than the newsstand price.

There are people out here!

What did you end up deciding with Harriet and the concerts?

I told her it was up to her, but they ended up telling her they didn't want her.

Oh, you're kidding!

No.

What was this?

Harriet was scheduled to appear in a bunch of concerts on Monday nights for a group called Women United Through Faith.

She's been active in the group since she was little.

They didn't like her quote.

They felt she seemed to be endorsing gay marriage and this wasn't the right time.

She's also going to get slammed by Out Magazine for seeming to be against gay marriage,

and I really think it takes a special kind of rhetorical talent to say something that draws in

ammunition from both of those groups at the same time.

You know what, I came here this afternoon and told her I thought that, with the quote

she shouldn't be doing concerts for groups that are vocal on the opposition, and she didn't care at that moment.

They really told her to stay home?

Yeah.

What did you need to talk to us about?

Does he ever let you breathe and stretch your legs? Does he always have to get right to the point?

Does he ever give you the feeling that you're not impeding his path to the more important thing he has to do someplace else?

Yeah, can you move it along a little? I wouldn't mind getting out of here, either.

The deal in Macau's going to happen.

Thanks to me.

How is it thanks to you?

I guess it's not.

Yeah. But obviously, as a result, TMG's going to take on some debt.

I know what's coming. How much debt?

A professor of mine used to say,

"When you owe the bank one hundred dollars, you're in trouble. When you owe the bank one thousand dollars, they're in trouble."

We're going to owe the bank eleven billion dollars, and they don't want to be in trouble,

so before they give Wilson White their credit card, they're going to want to see budget cuts

in every department of division of every property we own.

Go ahead and get rid of Danny.

I can't get rid of Danny. He's the one who's got to fire 15 below-the-line employees.

I'm not firing 15 guys from the crew.

They don't have to be from the crew. They can be from office staff.

I'm not firing anybody.

You're willing to take a pay cut?

No, but I'm willing to stay at home and watch the show on TV for free?

Do you know anything about debt to equity ratio?

Oh, I think I know something.

The measure of a company's finantial leverage calculated by dividing long term debt by stockholder equity?

No, I don't know anything.

A high debt-equity ratio generally means a company's been aggressive in financing its growth through borrowing.

This can result in volatile earnings from additional interest expense and a lack of --

-- a lack of confidence in the stockholders.

It wasn't a good show tonight.

It was fine.

It wasn't fine.

Excuse me.

Yeah?

That's why budgets are being cut here.

Here at TMG, but here at Studio 60 our ratings are up.

We're responsible for more revenue.

That's why your pattern budget's being reduced by 6%.

I can't reduce our pattern budget 6% without laying people off.

That's right, because what you don't want to start thinking about is product placement.

I know.

It's the last thing you want to be thinking about.

It is.

I was using reverse psychology. You want to start thinking about product placement.

Whoa there, nugget.

I'm not talking about anything big, just...

"Nokia presents News 60."

How about we just put Pennzoil on Simon's forehead?

If that makes you happier.

Excuse me. Sorry about the timing.

What happened?

It was my fault.

What happened?!

It was my fault.

I'm about to go to a party where 17 people will ask me what happened.

Tell them it was my fault.

I can't blame other people for the same reason you can't blame other people so I need to blame him.

What happened?

Ricky and Ron didn't switch the format back to 40-second page.

Why didn't you say so? I'm never so happy as when it's Ricky and Ron.

That's why I didn't say so.

Switch back from what?

What?

Why were they off 40-second page?

They were working in half-hour format.

Why?

They're writing a pilot script.

Do you know anything about this?

No, do you?

No. Do you?

No.

Do you?

Fellas, dance with me all you want, but before you go to the party tonight you're going to identify 15

below-the-line salaries to be cut from your budget.

Go for three, go for three...

There's a game in overtime if anybody wants to watch next door.

What game?

NC State and Iowa A&M.

Clash of the titans.

Any game's good in overtime.

Are they allowed to shop a pilot?

What do you care?

Aren't they exclusive?

I'm sure they can write whatever they want on spec.

Not if they're banking good material instead of giving it to him.

I don't think Ricky and Ron have a secret treasure trove of good material they've been saving for an occasion.

Then why do you care?

I don't; I just want to screw with them? How can we find out if they're allowed to do this?

All right. My assistant Kevin is still at the office.

If I have him pull the contract and read it, will you two have a serious conversation with me about product placement?

What's serious?

You have to listen while I speak.

Hmm. No, this I cannot do.

Call your assistant.

What was it you wanted to talk to me about?

Just something Jack said on the way to Nevada.

What?

We'll do this first.

I won't be able to concentrate!

Kevin, it's me.

Can you pull the contracts on Richard Tahoe and Ron Oswald? I'm going to hang on.

While I'm thinking of it, are either of you particularly attached to Peripheral Vision Man?

No.

Why?

There's an option on underlying material that expires today. I can renew it for about a hundred dollars if you want.

Save the money.

And now I don't have to fire anybody.

Thank you. If 15 people are willing to split 100 dollars.

Can you search for language about exclusivity and call me back? I'll be on my cell.

Thanks. So what was it Jack was saying to you?

We're not there yet. You're speaking, I'm listening, product placement, two minutes.

I'm your boss, I think I'll take as much time as I want.

There are two minutes left in overtime, I was talking to Cal. I can see it on the monitor.

We've got a couple too many things going on at once.

You've got our undivided attention.

Not one of those cheerleaders would be interested in going out with me after tonight's show.

Matt?

Yeah, I'm here.

OH! OH!

Look, you're a big girl. If you want to do it, I'm not going to stand in your way.

I'm leaving.

You shouldn't do it.

You guys are acting like I'm posing nude. It's the lingerie spread; it's nothing.

You screeched when we saw you in your underwear.

Once again, there is such a thing as context.

You said you were passing on this; you laughed.

I haven't said yes yet.

Yes, but you laughed. You said no.

Well, they came back and sweetened the offer.

To what?

They said I could choose my own stylist.

Well, then, I don't see how you could possibly turn it down.

Look --

God knows I'm all for taking your clothes off. I think you should take your clothes off as much as possible

I just want to know what made you change your mind.

I don't need to tell you that.

Yeah, but do it anyway.

I'm not your little sister.

Yeah, you are, so tell me anyway.

I just... I'm considering it. I'm just considering it.

What made you change your mind?

Well, first, I guess... Debra got the movie.

I didn't know that.

There was some feedback that it's not that she was sexier, it's that she's thought of as sexier.

It's hard to follow that logic, but it all seems to be synonymous with, "We wanted someone sexier than you."

Do you know how many movies Tom hasn't gotten because they didn't think he was manly enough?

It's really going to be like this?

You don't see him on the cover of Field and Stream!

I don't see why the two of you are in a lather. What happened to, "You're uptight, Harry. You're repressed."

I meant that as a compliment.

I'm going to the party.

I'm not kidding.

Trust me, I'm still repressed.

There's nothing wrong with sitting for a shoot, in any state of dress

in any magazine you like, and it's not surprising that there would be a general interest in seeing more of you.

You make it sound so hot.

Listen to me for a second.

I'm going to the party.

For a second.

You guys are sweet.

They want skanky pictures of the church girl, Harry.

They want you because you're perceived as pious.

They're paying for money shots of the church girl.

They're not objectifying me?

They are, but

not in the way you want.

So this is your point?

Yes, and it only took us half an hour to get there.

What are those guys still doing up there?

I don't know.

Is there still food in the green room?

I very much think we should go see.

What's wrong with you?

I don't know.

Let me tell you something: that Quentin Tarentino's turkey was just disturbing.

I hear that.

Introducing product placement --

Wait we're not introducing anything. Product placement is here

Last year the ten most saturated shows displaced 9000 brands. Did you notice them?

No.

See?

I didn't watch television last year.

What were you doing?

Having a healthy feature film career.

Oh, good for you.

So, what are you thinking? Simon turns to the camera and says, "After a long night of being satirical

I lace up a pair of Adidas?"

Yeah, that's what I'm thinking, you know why? 'Cause I'm craven and stupid.

Just give me an idea of what you're picturing --

I'm trying!

-- in terms of practical applications instead of spreadsheets.

If you could shut your bazoo for a second, then I'll tell you what I'm picturing in terms of practical application.

Go ahead.

There's Level 1.

That's integrating signage into the set.

Like at a basketball arena?

Exactly

And you, you know this isn't a basketball arena?

Again, no, because I'm quite daft.

These are routine questions.

Level 2, bumpers in and out.

"Tonight's musical guest brought to you by the new Universal Pictures release,

"Galaxy Gladiators: Avengers of Boldness..."

All right --

"2."

The final level is product integration. This is the big prize.

Harry uses a Nokia phone, Tom uses an Apple computer, the band plays Gibson guitars.

We're going to have a whole band of guitar players?

No, just the guys who play the guitar.

Because it seems to me that whatever ad revenue we got from Gibson

would be squandered on our electric bill if we've got 14 guys on guitar.

Oh, how I love the Eastern witty boys.

I'm not even sure we could plug them all in.

They've gone into a second overtime.

How do you feel about changing the house band?

To what?

14 Gibson guitars.

Anybody playing them, or...

No, just the guitars.

Do we have an answer on "Can Ricky and Ron be writing a pilot?"

Kevin hasn't answered my call back yet. It should be any minute.

All right, watch this.

Rrrring!

There it is!

Whoa, check it out!

That is mojo, baby!

My boy's got skills!

Mad skills.

That was sick!

That was some Vulcan mindmeld mojo and I was right in the kitchen!

I think you're a prophet.

How do we find out something like that?

Things like this.

Where was that mojo when I needed it?

You had it when you needed it.

Get the audience back, let me do it again!

Would you shut up?!

Yeah.

I'm going to take you on tour with that phone thing you can do.

Once the show gets out there you cannot get it back. You cannot unring a bell.

It was a good sh --

Stop saying it was a good show!

We're talking quietly.

They're exclusive.

Well, I don't know what that was about, then.

Wait. They have an exception.

For what?

You're kidding.

For what?

They have an exception for Peripheral Vision Man.

Thanks, Kevin.

When's the option up?

In about an hour and a half.

It's tied again.

Are Ricky and Ron still here?

They're supervising the as-aired script.

What's going on?

We're pretty sure the co-execs are going to quit tonight.

You understand, right?

I'm sorry?

You understand?

Of course.

I've gotta take care of the more senior guys.

Is "satellite" spelled with two "l"s?

Yeah.

Darius?

2 "l"s, yeah.

Matt would have fired the more senior guys, Lucy, as soon as their contracts were up.

You're good looking and you have an English accent; he's not going to let you go anywhere.

Why, Richard, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said about my writing.

Come on, Lucy.

Guys --

You haven't gone to the party yet?

No. Lucy, Darius, can you give us the room a second?

What's going on with Peripheral Vision Man?

You know

maybe it'd be better if we let the agents do their jobs at this point.

Okay.

No, wait. Hold on.

Ricky --

We set Peripheral Vision Man up at FOX.

They ordered six half-hours for midseason, Ron and I are going to run it,

we weren't allowed to say anything because --

You weren't allowed?

You know how it is.

I don't, actually.

NBS Studios has the option until midnight, so --

You left final draft in half hour format instead of 40-second page!

That's why we got a plea for peace in Indiana from Jessica Simpson!

We know, we're sorry about that.

I'll tell you what, we thought you'd be thrilled.

Yeah?

You get us out of here without having to eat our contracts!

Peripheral Vision Man isn't any good, Ricky.

And Studio 60 is a brand, and so am I, and people are going to assume that I had something to do with it!

Why isn't it good, Matt?

Because you didn't write it?

It isn't good because it isn't good.

Then have McDeere tie up the option again; she'll do whatever the cool guys tell her to do.

That's the first time anyone's accused me of being cool.

And I don't think you know Jordan McDeere very well, because she has yet to do anything that anyone has told her to do.

"Matt, Danny, we have this opportunity to do this thing at FOX. Will you help us out?"

That's how a man talks.

Do you care that we didn't do a very good show tonight?

I thought it was fine, Matt.

But I'm sorry if your ego can't sustain a week of not being called a genius.

Descent is spelled with a "s".

Are you going to let us have it?

I don't know.

Without the "s" it's "decent."

It's sexy that I'm devout?

Yeah.

That's counter-intuitive.

Not really.

Take the East German figure skaters. There was a sexiness added value before the Berlin Wall came down.

Like Jackie Kennedy.

What'd she do?

Larry Flint saved Hustler by running pictures of Jackie Kennedy sunbathing in Greece

You're saying it's like that.

It's more like Jessica Hahn.

With Gary Hart on the boat?

That was Donna Rice. Jessica Hahn was on the cover of Playboy

for being a church secretary who had an affair with Jim Baker.

Then who's von Hall?

Oliver North.

And you think, 15 years from now, my name will be part of this conversation?

I'm still working on the added value of Communist ice skaters, but he's making a good point.

They're fetishizing that I worship.

Yes.

Well...

okay...

They're exploiting me, and I'm exploiting them.

Well, they're getting the better end of the deal.

Why?

Because they're enhancing themselves and you're diminishing yourself.

How am I diminishing myself --

Knock it off Harry, okay? You know what we're talking about.

Don't put yourself in the bargain bin because Debra Messing got a movie.

You're a singer who stared on Broadway, a recording artist.

And you're a world-class comedienne;

you might be the only woman who has transcended sketch comedy to become a serious actress.

And these all happened at just the right times.

Right now you're a classy get.

Do this other thing, and you're K-mart!

Well, I'll have to live with that.

You will have to live with that.

They don't think that I'm sexy, Simon!

They will if you show them you're sexy!

They won't if you show them your ass!

What, did you get that off a fortune cookie?

What about the show?

What about it?

Forget about you for a second, let's talk about the show.

You think a cast member doing a layout like this would be bad for a late-night show?

Not for the ratings.

Good, because I can't pass a bus stop without seeing Jeannie in a bra and panties.

That's Jeannie! We're not looking to Jeannie for cover!

What's cover?

Every time we poke fun at the religious right, we can blunt the reaction by pointing to you.

God, Tommy.

That sounded a little more crass than I would have liked it to.

Yeah?

Harry --

Pay me.

What?

Pay me.

These readers want me to pose so their readers can get off on a Jesus freak

and you want to hide behind one so you can make your red state jokes. At least

they're paying me.

You get paid here, too.

To be funny!

The figure skaters really became less appealing after the cold war ended?

That's him.

I guess me, too.

Thank you.

Shut up.

Studio 60

doesn't cost the network money, Jordan, it makes the network money.

I understand.

You want to know how much?

Our licence fee is $2 million per show, we're clearing $120,000 for a 30-second spot,

we air 26 minutes of commercials.

Now, 5 of those minutes are network promos and bumpers, 8 are local. That's revenue, but

we'll only deal with the 13 minutes left over.

13 minutes of commercials, at $120,000 for 30 seconds,

times 22 shows, minus the license fee is a hard dollar profit

$24,640,000 per season, so tell me again

why we have to lay off 15 people?

Because NBS and TMG can't just take the money they need for food and run,

that's not what a publicly held company does, and you know that!

I am here, trying to work within the rules of the market for a creative solution that would both --

Reducing Studio 60 to an extended commercial for iPods is a solution that would be calamitous.

Calamitous, Danny?

It's a carefully cultivated audience that knows when --

Excuse me, but the carefully cultivated audience isn't the mezzanine section of La Scala.

They like iPods, and so do I.

The show's existed for 20 years to satirize the establishment.

We can't do that if we are the establishment.

We already run commercials.

And it's understood. It's part of the vocabulary of television. This other thing is endorsement.

Moreover, Sony and Samsung aren't credible critics of American culture and politics.

Then don't go with Sony and Samsung.

I can't go with anybody --

I understand. Then give me the names of the 15 people who just lost their jobs so you can feel superior.

Yeah, it's all true.

What?

They've got a set-up at FOX for midseason. It's a put pilot with six on the air.

You didn't know about any of this?

Business affairs asked me if I wanted to hold on to the option and I asked you.

With an hour and a half left.

I really didn't anticipate anyone wanting to do Peripheral Vision Man as a series.

Nether did I, but I also didn't anticipate

FOX airing a contest of strength between an elephant and a group of dwarfs.

That one caught us all by surprise.

Hey, lighten up, Matt.

You've been wanting to get rid of these guys since you got here.

It's going to cut into work time if I have to go door-to-door to everyone in America

and explain to them that I didn't write Peripheral Vision Man.

The show is making a massive comeback.

This is the world's stupidest time to have an ugly stepchild out there!

You want me to pick up the option?

Yes, please. Lock up the option and

shut the thing down.

You ever going to tell me what you and Jack talked about on the plane?

You're about to get fired.

They're still tied at the end of the third overtime.

He was in a pretty bad mood all day.

Jack.

Jack. He had been a errand boy for Zhang Tao, he was

like a publicist's assistant for his daughter, he's got to get Tommy out of jail

he's getting yukked with by the judge...

And I'm in the papers again.

Yeah.

He said he wants to fire me?

No, he said the exact opposite, actually. He likes you.

He made that clear when he was yelling at Zhang.

Why was he yelling at Zhang?

Zhang's daughter incorrectly translated some Mandarin.

Well, why wasn't he yelling at Zhang's daughter? Wait, why was he yelling at anybody?

The kid reads the gossip columns, she saw the thing, she showed it to her father,

her father called your ex-husband dishonorable, but the kid thought he was saying...

doesn't matter.

It's just my life.

It's the board of TMG. They don't like your style

They don't like the gossip

they don't like the way you dealt with the Christian right

they don't like your ex-husband --

I don't like my ex-husband either --

They don't like the noise.

He told you that.

Yeah.

Why would he tell you?

Honestly, I think he wanted me to tell you.

Why?

In the hope that you'd do something about it.

In the press.

Yeah.

Like what?

Charm offensive.

Those two words don't really go together, do they?

Look --

Like jumbo shirmp or real artificial butter.

...I think he's got a point.

Yeah?

I think you should sit down with him and Shelly Green and whoever else you like and trust and --

No.

What was I doing?

Jordan.

What was I doing?

You were calling to tie up the option.

Yeah.

Wait.

Why?

This just doesn't feel right. How much time can you give me?

The option's up in an hour and 13 minutes, so I can give you about an hour.

All right, I'll be back in a few minutes.

Where are you going?

Just walking around.

Listen --

No.

None of this.

I understand.

Just to be clear.

You're clear.

None of this should take away from the fact that we are in favor of women in their underwear.

True story.

We are pro-female nudity, that can't be said enough times.

You're testing that theory, but again,

I understand.

I'll meet you at the party?

Sure.

"Man getteth himself into danger legitimately so that he mayeth be legitimately rescued."

What are you still doing here?

Just some stuff upstairs.

And what did you just say?

Aha!

I was quoting the Bible.

"Man getteth himself into danger legitimately so that he mayeth be legitimately rescued."

Yeah, that's not the Bible, that's Robert Frost.

Yeah?

Yes.

Well, I'm sure he liked Jesus.

Yeah, probably

I am psyched

for this photoshoot of yours.

I want to commission a scientific study on how news travels in this building.

Hey, I'm not even sure there's an internet; it might just be Jeannie telling people stuff.

What do you think?

Me?

Yeah.

I think if you want to put on La Perla and pose for a great photographer

then it's Christmas morning for me.

Thank you.

Except you don't want to.

You're doing it to get back at Women United Through Faith.

They were wrong to disinvite me.

You should tell them that.

I worked hard for them. I raised money for them, awareness...

Tell them that.

You don't even like them.

You do.

And if there were more people like you

in organizations like that, I would like them more.

Just

call them.

I don't have anything to say to them.

You don't have anything to say to them tonight.

That's fine.

Tonight, get drunk at the wrap party and pretend to get back at them by doing a lingerie shoot.

If you want, you can even describe your vengeance to me very slowly.

Young girls look up to me, Matt.

You know, in the same way young boys don't care about you at all.

Mmm, well, do this layout and both boys and girls will be looking up to you at a car wash.

People getting their cars washed need...

you know.

Or airport travellers.

15-year-old boys whose moms won't let them buy real porn.

All good causes. You want to write them a check and I'll match it?

You know --

Your relationship is supposed to be with

God, not Women United Through Faith.

Just call them and work it out.

If you can't, start your own group, but don't be vengeful. You never are.

That's what people love about you.

Just call 'em.

"Be not afraid of who you are."

That's not in the Bible, either, but see how I made it sound how it was?

Yes.

It's the result of proper training.

You going to go to the party?

Yes, in a few minutes. I'll see you there?

Okay.

You know, nothing says you can't do the pictures and then in a limited release sort of --

Oh, shut it, shut it down.

Special release kind of thing.

Shut it all the way down.

All right.

I am finished.

It's done.

I meant my career.

That is just not true.

Plus, if things don't work out for you here, you can always go back and write Benny Hill.

Bite me.

Give me a kiss.

LUCY
Don't think so.

Hi.

That was to be mean to you.

Goodbye.

You just keep on walking.

Yes, sir.

I think you both put up with a lot of crap and humiliation from me,

and I'm going to let you go.

Really?

Yeah, but I don't think you should.

Why not?

Because Peripheral Vision Man isn't going to be good.

It'll get canceled, you'll be out of work, and I won't be able to hire you back here.

I knew it. You couldn't let us out of the door without a handshake.

Rick

I'm not talking...

I'm not talking about old stuff. I'm telling you this writer to writer.

You're going to get killed and you're taking him with you.

He is a grown man who makes up his own mind.

And he's not the only one I'm taking with me.

Who else?

Everybody.

Yeah?

You get Lucy and the new guy.

Darius.

Yeah.

Guys, let's not end it like this.

I don't care how we end it, as long as we end it.

Rick --

Listen --

Rick! The primetime landscape isn't the same as when we were coming up.

There are maybe half as many jobs for comedy writers now as there were then. Stop being mad at me.

We should stop being mad at you?

We could write the greatest sketch in the world, we could write the damn 2000 year old man

and you wouldn't recognize it because it came from us!

Maybe, but that's not why I'm telling you this.

You're two of our guys, you have a history here, and I'm looking out for you.

I'm moved.

That is so typically condescending of you, you narcissistic horse's ass!

When Harry realizes

she's already found the man of her dreams

I hope she screws him right in front of you.

Rick! Enough!

The writers all have options to come work with me on this.

You can keep them here

with a salary and title bump.

The show sucked tonight

and no,

I don't care.

I've been his partner my whole career.

You know, it's like you and Danny.

Ron --

And nobody noticed he got dropped on his head when you guys came here.

In the press, in the network...

in this building, Matt. Nobody noticed in this building.

I'll see you.

Ronny?

Yeah?

You're using voiceover?

We need it for the exposition.

Voiceover's going to kill you.

Give him a sidekick, a character you introduce in the beginning of the first episode.

Colorblind Boy, Cataract Kid...whatever. Give him somebody to talk to.

That's a good note.

I appreciate it.

Don't tell him it came from me.

Are we going to be fired?

Nope, you're just going to wish you'd been.

When I took the job, I decided I wanted to pretend I only had a year to live.

Seriously

I mean, what would you do if you had my job and you only had a year to live and no one knew it?

You ever play that game?

No.

Well, if what you're saying is true --

Just fix the press.

-- then maybe I don't have to pretend any more.

Pretend what?

That I only have a year to live. I don't have to pretend.

Fix the press.

I would be completely untethered.

You're heading in the right direction.

I'd have to get the network pregnant fast, I'd have to fix a slate of new shows and I'd have to...

some writers agents are about to have a good week.

We'll give them all colossal deals so that we can't afford to dump them until they've done 13.

Listen to me, you're very winning.

Not to me, but to everyone else. People who have met you, like you.

It's only the ones who don't know you

that have a problem.

Go out there and control your own press.

Oh, man.

Danny, would you go around to get people to like you?

No.

I'm going to show you something and I don't think it's stupid.

It comes from a creative place but it also doesn't bother me and it might help solve a problem, since

most of those 15 people would come from my departments.

I followed some of that.

In 20 years of the show, what's been your favorite home base?

What do you mean?

Your favorite permanent set? Your favorite home base, since the show went on the air?

None of them.

That's right, we've never found it.

We're working on it.

The Hollywood sign.

It's the most viewed sign in the world, it beats the Eiffel Tower.

And don't say the Santa Monica pier.

Downtown.

Downtown isn't where L.A. is.

It's not.

L.A.'s on Sunset between Doheny and Highland.

It's the Sunset Strip, and Wes knew that because he put that right in the title.

Hey, I would love to do the Strip, but if you think about it, it's made up almost entirely...

...of billboard ads.

This is both good and profitable.

Yeah.

You know how that confuses me.

I do.

We've, uh

we've entered into a new condition.

Look at this.

Where the hell has this been?

Let's tell her.

You should set up meetings for us right away with reps who want to place products on our show.

You're kidding.

No, but I have to tell you, it's going to be a very strange screening process.

Based on what?

The aesthetic of their logo and the sense of Americana it evokes.

Yeah, usually we just ask them "cash or check?" but you're saying you'll consider it?

We'll consider it for now. Can we keep the 15 jobs?

I'll consider it for now.

Room in the budget, words I love.

Actually, there's going to be a lot more room in the budget than you think for a while.

Why?

Let the rights go. Let Ricky and Ron go, too.

You sure?

Yeah. And we're going to be letting most of the writing staff go with them.

How many is most?

Everyone except Lucy and Darius.

Lucy's never had a sketch on and Darius has been working here 5 days.

We'll staff back up.

Until we do it'll just be you and two freshman writers.

That's two more than I had before.

It's going to be fine.

You see? You see what happens?

What's she talking about?

She's becoming untethered.

You'll get used to it.

Are we going to this party?

Great, let's go.

I'd kind of like to watch tape, see if I can figure out where I went wrong with the show tonight.

I'm sure you're being crazy and it was a good show.

All right, one more hour, and then we go?

Sure.

Yeah.

Let's check out the tape.