Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (2006–2007): Season 1, Episode 8 - Nevada Day: Part 2 - full transcript

Previously on Studio 60:

I said, "The Bible
says it's a sin.

It also says 'judge not
lest ye be judged.'"

And that is was something for smarter people
than me to decide.

Call me a fag!
Harriet!

Call me a faggot!
Say what you want,

but stand
the hell back.

You have the right to speak
to an attorney...

SIMON:
Tom got arrested.

We came out ofdinner last night,

some guys got in Harriet's face
for the gay marriage thing in The Post.



Tom tried to break it up,
he pushed one of them and
the guy's pressing charges.

Does Tom Jeter
have a girlfriend?

WHITE:
She wants to meet Tim Jeter
from Studio 60.

Tom Jeter.

She's going to be
our way into Macau.

We're this close.

I just drove us
99 yards down the field,

take it the last yard.

Is Zhiang going to base
his decision on $100 million?

Who know what the hell
guides his decisions?

Might be a 19-year-old
viola player.

The Post ran an excerpt from my
ex-husband's book this morning.

Saying what?

I don't like children,



I don't want to have children,

I would never hire
a woman with children.

We're all going to get on the NBS jet
and go to Pahrump, Nevada.

JUDGE:We get a hell of a problem
because I don't like your television program.

It's condescending
and smart-ass.

Did you tell them
why you were speeding?
No.

Tell them why
you were speeding.

No.
Why not?

Because.

PART 2

Well, it all started like this.

Harriet was born
and became a homophobe.

Thank you.

So Tom had to fend off some gay street-toughs,
one of whom is pressing charges.

From there, they found an outstanding warrant
for failing to appear for a speeding ticket

in a place called
Pahrump, Nevada.

Tom had borrowed
Simon's jacket,and the rest you know.

I have every hope
they'll get back for dress,
but if they're not...

(Alex chuckling)
Alex?

I'm sorry, man-- "Pahrump"?

I know, it's a funny name,
let's get past it.

Done.

So I'm gonna re-write
Tom's sketches for Jeannie...

What are you laughing at?

JEANNIE:
Still "Pahrump."

Is Tom in jail in
a Marx Brothers' movie?
That's good.

That's funny.

Keep that sense of humor,Jeannie, you're gonna need it
waiting tables at the Hooters
in Santa Monica.

Yes, sir.

Alex, start looking
at Tom's part in the Visa Customer
Service sketch.

- I can help you with that.
- And also look at "Red Carpet
at the Nobel Prize."

My first thought was that
Harry would do the news alone,

but I don't think
that's a good idea.

It's not.
It needs
the ping-pong.

So, Dylan,
guess what?
What?

You're gonna do
the news with Harry if Simon doesn't make it back.

No.
Yeah.

We can start working out
in a little bit.

You'll be good, D.K.

No, that's Simon's chair.

I know, but--
and I can't believe I really get
a chance to say this--

the show must go on.

Sam, Jeannie, just let me
hear "Lifetime Television Network Movie
Achievement Awards."

"The nominees for best writing
"on a dramatic moviemini-series are,

"Debbie, Leave Him:
The Debbie Lieberman Story...

Okay.
"Maggie, He's Hurting You:

"The Margaret
McCastleman Story,

Go.
Matt...

Go. I got to write.

"Stephanie,
Run While He Sleeps:

The Stephanie Davis Story."
Get out.

You honestly think
I'm a homophobe?

Harriet, I really can't...

You honestly think...
Yes.

Yes, I do. And you know why?

'Cause you are.
Now go to work.

I said "The Bible says..."

Yeah, yeah.
Don't "yeah, yeah" me.

And seems to me every
Democrat on a ballot

answers the same question
by talking about civil unions

and leaving it up to the states
and not wanting to...

I don't need any reminding that my party
is full to brimming with panderers and mediocrity.

What's wrong with civil
unions, and why shouldn't...

'Cause there's no way to get
to the end of that sentence

without saying that homosexual love
is something less
than heterosexual love.

And watching you
trip all over it makes me want to hit you
in the head with Liberace.

Go work with Dylan.

Ow.

-=The Last Fantasy=-
Proudly Presents

Did you just
punch the wall?

Yeah.

Did the wall
have it coming?

The wall was a victim
of displaced anger.

If you examine the wall,
you'll see it's

a veritable hieroglyphic of
meetings in Matt's office.

Your hand
is bleeding.
I'm fine.

Matt's free, you can
go in and see him.

NoI came
to talk to you.

You know what
I love about Brazil?

The country?
Yeah, the country.

No.

In Brazil,you're not allowed
to be a journalist
without two things:

a college degree in
journalism and a license.

This has in no way
hampered freedom of speech or freedom of the press.

Just as the requirement
of a law degree

and a license from a state
bar has in no way hampered

an American's ability
to become a lawyer.

Listen to me.

I said, "The Bible says
it's a sin,

"but it also says 'judge
not lest ye be judged,'

so it's up to smarter people
than me to decide."

That's what I said.

It's been two days now

and I still haven't had anyone
successfully explain to me
the crime I committed.

No one's saying you
committed a crime.

Well, according to my publicist,
quite a few people are saying it.

That's why I'm talking
to you right now.

Oh, Jordan...
Here's how I need
you to fix it.

By going on the cover of
Newsweek and saying I'm gay?

Would you be willing
to do that?

I'm kidding.

Sometimes it's hard to tell.

I'm dry.
I know.

No, I want you
to do nothing.

For six weeks--
this one doesn't live
unless we give it air.

When it comes to doing press,
I'm happiest doing nothing.

No, I wasn't
talking about press,

I'm talking about...

the concerts-- uh...

Women United Through Faith,
what about them?

You have six concert appearances scheduled with them
around the country on six consecutive Mondays.

You shouldn't be appearing
in front of groups that oppose gay marriage.

Are you censoring me?

Don't put it like that.

Give me another way to put it.

Harry...
I grew up
with Women United.

I was a teenager when my mom died
and she asked them to look
out for me and they did.

Harry...
I don't agree

with everything they believe in,
but I don't agree with everything
you believe in either.

Doesn't stop me
from working for you.

I understand.
I do
"Crazy Christians,"

I do "ScienceSchmience,"
"Cheeses of Nazareth..."

"Cheeses of Nazareth"?

Matthew's latest.

Cheddar, Port Salut, Gouda,
all from the Holy Land.

"Cheeses of Nazareth."

That's a little funny.
Yes, it is.

They all are.
I'm saying they are.

So why can't I go out...

Young girls attend these events.

They admire me.

I'm in a position to show them that Christianity
has a nicer voice
than Ann Coulter's.

Carol Channing has a nicer voice
than Ann Coulter's

and I couldn't admire you more
for the time and energy

you devote to groups like this,

but aside from the negative attention
it'll bring to the show at exactly
the wrong time,

I'm concerned about damage to your career
that you wouldn't
be able to recover from.

Please...

Series television, features,

record labels... you have
more doors open to you than anybody

and they'll all close
if what you're most famous for
is being a gay basher.

I'm not.
I know.

So, please,
sit down for six weeks.

My career will be fine.

I'm sure you're right,

but just for a second opinion,
let's go ask Anita Bryant.

She was a gay basher,and she had to be something
'cause she sure
wasn't talented.

I'm not Anita Bryant.

Like I don't know that.

Harry, really...

friend to friend, okay?

Do you trust the media
and the American public to make the distinction?

You're just thinking of me?

No, I'm thinking of you,
but I'm not allowed to just think of you.

And I think by now
you know that I wouldn't ask something
like this of you

if I didn't think
it was extremely serious.

You know, the network doesn't actually
have a say in this, right?

I know.

It's producers' discretion.

Yeah.

Matt's in his office?

Yes.

When I leave, don't hit the wall
with your knuckles, okay?

Hello?

It's Danny.

Danny who?
Danny Tripp!

I know, I was being dry.

Why don't people ever get that?

Well, for one thing...
(car alarm beeping)

And then I was being rhetorical.
What's going on over there?

We're gonna be fine.

The judge just left the room to take a call from a guy
in the Governor's office.

The judge's name is Bobby Bebe.

I'm in the middle of an episode
of Walker, Texas Ranger.

Jack's raised a lot
of money for the Governor.

That's why we're gonna be
out of here in a minute.

Listen...
Good. What?

Jack and I had a conversation
on the plane.

About what?
It's not important

but I want to know
what you and Shelly are doing about this latest
round of press.

With Harriet?
With you.

You don't want kids,
you don't like kids,

you don't want to hire
women who have kids--

what are you doing about it?

Well, I've been reading this cool book
called Oliver Twist

and it sounds like the best thing for me to do
is to get a bunch of them
together in my root cellar

and set them to work for me
as pickpockets.

You're being dry?

Yes.
Okay, well...

you're also being an idiot.

That's not out of the question.

Suit yourself.
I usually do.

(sighs)

Excuse me.

Yes ma'am.

Would you mind taking
a picture of Tom and me?

You know I'm Simon
Stiles, right?

I'm on the show, too.

Yes.

Take the picture.

Hey, Kim, is that
the new Nikon S-10?

I just got it.

Can I see it?

Sure.

(drops to floor)

Oh, no.

(crackling)
Oh, so sorry.

I dropped your camera
on the ground.

I owe you a new camera.

I feel terrible.

What the hell is
the matter with you?

For starters I'm
in Pahrump, Nevada, and I have a show
in six hours.

(speaking Mandarin)

When the man comes back
you're gonna tell him
why you were speeding.

I've received some instructions
from the State House.

Oh, I'm sorry to throw the weight of the Governor's office
around,

but obviously this is an urgent matter,
so if you could just set bail...

Yeah, the instructions
were to be very careful not to show Mr. Jeter
any special treatment.

Apparently,
Mr. Rudolph,

you're a big contributor
and fundraiser for the Governor and he's a
little sensitive about that.

Really?
Yes, sir.

Well, I guess now I'm a little
bit sensitive about that myself.

Who's hungry?

Best diner in the state's
right across the road.

You don't want to miss this.

We have a real
time problem...

Boony, you hungry?
Yes, Judge.

All right, well,
we can't let you

stay all alone in
the Sheriff's office

so you just have to come along.

JACK:
Judge...

Grab the prisoner.
We'll buy him a slice of pie.

Thanks, Mandy.

How do you get your hair
to do that, Sammy?

What?

How do you get
your hair to do that?

My name is Simon,
Your Honor.

I keep forgetting that.

Yes, you do, sir.

Are those corn rows?

No.

Deadbolts?

Dreadlocks.

Dreadlocks?

No, sir, they're called twists.

Twists?

Is this for real?

Your Honor,
this is outrageous.

And I should tell you
that absent a court reporter,

I've been tape recording
this entire proceeding.

Good for you, Matlock.

Mr. Jeter,

you were cited for
speeding on August 16th.

Deputy, why does that date
sound familiar?

That was the protest
at Nellis, Judge.

You were called over

to Clark County
to help Judge Martin.

War protest over at Nellis.

A hundred arrests.

Feature this:

a protester was injured
during the demonstration.

He got trampled,
he broke his leg and two ribs.

He is now suing
the U.S. Air Forcebecause the injuries
were sustained on government property.

What do you think about that?

Sir?
The guy suing the base.

Your Honor, what does this have
to do with Mr. Jeter?

August 16th.

Were you at the protest?

No, sir.

No?

No, sir, I was in Reno.

What was your hurry?
Tom...
No hurry, sir,

I just took my eye
off the speedometer.

You don't need
a damn speedometer to know you're doing 120.

Judge, is the man gonna be
arraigned at some point?

Yes, he is.

Can you tell me when?

No, sir, I cannot.

And why not, sir?

Because if you'll
look around the room, you will notice
we are missing someone.

A representative of
the people of Nye County.

He needs a prosecutor.

Thank you, Matlock.

Assistant District Attorney Finney has been called
from his paintball competition
and is on his way.

I cannot formally hear
and rule on Mr. Jeter unless both sides
are present.

What I can do is make PCD,

that's probable cause
determination,and throw Mr. Jeter into jail
until the next business day.

Your Honor,
in this situationare you allowed to pretty much
do anything you want?

Why do you think I'm smiling?

So you use some kind of
conditioner on that hair?

You hear anything?

I'm waiting for a call.
Me, too.

Does Simon know that use
is a felony in Nevada?

He doesn't care.

Matt?
Yeah.

Danny.
Pick up.

Oh-three.

Hey.

It's Cal, too.
What's going on?

DAN:
They're bringing an ADA in from
a paintball competition.

A paintball competition?

Yeah, the judge can't do
anything without a prosecutor.

You're gonna come back
here, right?

People are asking me questions as if I know what I'm doing.

I know the feeling.

Danny.
I'm getting rehearsal feed off the Internet,
I'm in touch with all

I'm in touch with all the department heads.
We're fine.

No, we're not.

No, we're not, but we will be.

(cell phone beeps off)

You ever do that?
Paintball.
What?

No.
Me neither.

You want to talk
about it some more?

No.

Can I ask you something?

Yes.

Sometimes I hear people
calling other people "sir."

There doesn't seem to be
a pattern to when and who.

I don't want to be impolite,

but I don't want to look like
an idiot either, so...

What?
Who gets called "sir"?

I'm working on
a sketch right now.

Okay.

There are no rules to it,
it'll come naturally.

Like calling a conductor
"maestro" when he's in the vicinity
of the podium.

The nearer we get
to Friday night, the more you'll hear Matt
and Danny called "sir."

Cal, too.

Department heads,
anybody who deserves it,it's not a big deal.

Okay.

Is this a white
people thing?

I'm not white, Darius,
I'm English.

Put that line
in the damn sketch.

In an effort to uncover
pirated DVDs,

the Motion Picture Association
of America

began the use of trained dogs
at London's Heathrow Airport.

The dogs uncovered more than
$60,000 worth of stolen movies,

but seemed completely
uninterested in Legally Blonde II:
Red, White and Blonde.

The U.S. Immigration Department
is teaming up

with the Department
of Homeland Security to use the citizenship test
to root out terrorist cells.

As a result, Question
#90 on the test, "Where is the White
House located?"

will now be changed to,"Why the hell are you looking
for the White House?"

Dylan?

Russia's Interfax News Agency--

Here's your camera.

Russia's Interfax News Agency is reporting that researchers
at the Plant...

I'm sorry,
the country's Plant...

Let me take that again.
Look at me.

Okay, go.

Russia's Interfax News Agency
is reporting

that researchers
at the country's Plant Institute
in St. Petersburg

have invented
a strain of cannabis,one that is free of
mind-altering properties.

Here at News 60,
our question is: Why?

That may not work.

Is Simon getting back?

We don't know yet.

Let me have you
one second.
Yeah.

Former NBA star
and TBS basketball...

Jordan spoke to me
about the concerts.

It's producers' discretion.

Are you gonna
be punitive?
What do you mean?

You don't like the people I'm
singing for, so you cancel...

Yeah, that sounds like me.

This group means a lot
to me, they're family.

I'm not saying
you can't do it.

Thank you.
I think it's dumb
to do it.

You know what?

When George Michael does
some guy in a bathroom

or Woody Allen
marries his daughter

or a child molester
gets an Oscar nomination,

it doesn't really
give Hollywood a lot of moral authority
on sexual behavior.

Hollywood?

Who else are you talking to?

You say "Hollywood" like
A: you're not a part of it

and B: we all get
together once a month to decide what we think.

I've worked in
Hollywood for ten years,

I've never been in a room with three people who
agree with each other.

All right, well,keep talking,
I have to call back my agent 'cause I know this
is gonna be good news.

By the way,you know what
never happens?

An evangelical preacher getting
caught with his secretary or a hooker,
we never see that.

Absolutely nobody
is listening to you.

So I've learned after 35 years.

Here at News 60,
our question is: Why?

It works if
Simon's saying it.

What works?
The punch line.

"Here at News 60,
our question is: Why?"

It works if Simon
is doing it.

Or Alex.
Dylan...

Give this to Alex.

Why are you
the only guy in town who's looking for
less camera time?

I really don't know
how to play it.

Do you want me to act sincere?

I don't want you
to act at all.

Pick up your cues, aim
for the end of the line,

just... this is...
don't do a character, this is Dylan Killington
doing the news.

On the rundown so far,Alex can make
the wardrobe change.

Wardrobe needs
to fit him for a suit.

They did.

Sorry, Dylan,
let's get back to it.

What did she want?

I'm gonna get whacked
by The Advocate for being intolerant.

Well, if that's
the worst that happens...

It's not.

I've been asked
not to appear at the Women United
Through Faith concerts.

Why?
For not being
intolerant enough.

Wow.

Talk about...
Shut up.

You live off Mulholland.

There are other streets
in the country where marriage
is important.

It's important
off of Mulholland, too.

But let me
ask you something.

How is my marriage,
your marriage

or anyone else's marriage
even marginally affected

by the gay couple two doors
down also getting married?

And if it is, how does that
become their problem?

Relax.

Let's go from the top.

You know the thing's
not true, right?

With Jordan?

Yeah, this kid thing.

She said it 'cause
she didn't want to...

Since when are you
defending her?

I thought you
didn't like her?

Me?

Yeah.

No.

I mean, you know,
I don't like network presidents,
vocationally.

It's not personal.

She's only been
doing it six weeks.

Her only big move
has been Studio 60 and Studio 60's working.

It is?

Where are we right now?

This isn't her fault.

It's not mine either,but that's not what
Wilson White's gonna say.

I'm sorry it took me a bit
to get here, Judge.

That's all right.

Here's your file.

(pops)

Damn.

Sorry, Judge,
left the safety off.

Yes, sir, you almost
hit the chairman of NBS.

Shepherd, Matlock,
you're up.

Let's go back
across the street and administer
some justice.

Alright, "Judgmental
Credit Card Rep" is up.

This is just for camera marks.
Let's go to one.

Ring.

Ring.

Hello?

Mr. McCallister?
Speaking.

This is Ms. Jennings
with Visa customer service.

We're calling to inquire about
some unusual activity with your Visa card.

Can you tell me where
you last used your card?

Uh, sure.

I think it was at the
Ralph Lauren store

on Rodeo.
Mm-hmm, and can you tell
me what you purchased?

A pair of socks.
Mm-hmm,

and can you tell me
what you paid?

I think about $60.

That's a lot of money for socks,don't you think?
Excuse me?

I say $60 is a lot
of money for socks.

(clears throat):
Well, what do you care?

No reason
to be rude, sir.

Were the socks a gift
or were they for yourself?

Look, is there a problem
with my card?

Paying $60 for socks on Rodeo Drive
when they're three pair for $9.99 at Wal-Mart,

I don't think the problem
is with your card, sir.

All right.
Thank you.

We move to item ten.

"News 60."
Harriet, Dylan.

Matt?
Yeah.

You hear anything
from them?

I'm sure they'll
be back in time, but let's cover ourselves.

'Cause watching
Alex just now, it really seems to me...

What is your problem?

Your rehearsal
before was fine, you're gonna be fine,
just be yourself.

I can't just be myself.
Why?

'Cause I'm not
Robert Redford.

I'll be honest
with you, Dylan,

I really don't, you know,

I don't pay attention
to other men's bodies.

Yeah, he's not homophobic.

I'm homophobic in the way
that makes sense.

Matt...
I don't want you
doing anything

that you're
uncomfortable with.

If you feel better with characters,voices and wigs,
that's fine.

Alex.
Thank you.

Yes, sir.

Pretend you're talking
to me for a second.

Okay.

When I say "now,"you're gonna look over
at the News 60 desk

with nervous concern mixed
with eager anticipation.

Okay.

Now.

How was that?

I could use another take for safety,but we'll live with it.

Jeannie.

(whispering)

Hey, Jeannie...
Don't flirt
with me, rook.

And you should be
getting ready for the news.
No, I'm not doing the news.

Alex is gonna do it if Simon
doesn't make it back.
Why?

Matt's call.
Huh. I wonder why.

I saw your rehearsal before,
and I thought it was good.

It showed a new side of you,
and I was looking forward to seeing you
in a dark blue suit.

Yeah?

Don't flirt with me, rook.

Yes, ma'am.

How come I never get to be
the sexy shill?

She is money in the bank.

Yes, I know.

DYLAN:
Matt.

Dylan, what can I do for you?

(exhales)

JORDAN:
That's a little personal, sir.

Yes.

I'm sorry, you
withdraw the question,
or you don't care?

I don't care.

I had said to my ex-husband that
I didn't want to have children because I didn't want
to have children with him.

Oh...
Yeah.

Well, you know what
Mark Twain said.

"They're after us, Jim!

Now, lay into that pole!"

"A lie can travel
halfway around the world while the truth is
putting its shoes on."

Much more germane
to the situation.

Within the scope of TMG,NBS is a drop in the bucket.

Content may be king,but distribution pays
the king's mortgage.

With the entertainment
division's eight-percent
profit margin,

I sometimes wonder
why I bother.

Sir...
But I don't
wonder for long,

'cause NBS will always be the
public face of TMG.

Our broadband service
has never landed us
on the cover of Time,

and no TMG board member
has ever had to account for our theme parks
at a Princeton
Parents' Day weekend.

But they have to account for me.

Yeah.
It's much ado
about nothing, Wilson.

It's a combination
of a bottom-feeding ex-husband,

coat-holding media outlets--
some of which, sir,

are owned by TMG--
and religious groups

angry over the fact
that I...
I...

don't care.

Make it stop.

(door slams)

(over intercom):
Danny Tripp.

You screw up this TMG deal
in China,

and I'm gonna hire real Germans

to kill you.
I don't have anything to do
with the deal in China.

Neither do I, so deal with it.

What's going on there?

There's now an assistant D.A.
here... in Thunderdome.

He's looking over the file,
and they'll all get into it

in a minute.
Let me know when your cast
is out of jail.

(slams phone down)

Well, we got a reckless driving,
willful and wanton disregard

for public safety,
causing death, bodily
injury and harm.

It's a speeding ticket.
The assault and
battery charge.

He just stepped in
between two...

That's the purview
of L.A. County.
And the FTA,

failure to appear, which ups
the whole thing to a category

B felony.
Category A includes murder,
so you don't want to get too high up
on that alphabet.

And the marijuana in the jacket.

Which is mine.
Well, possession's
just a misdemeanor,

but the joint was half smoked,
suggesting use,

which is a felony.
Thank God
it is.

Jack...
Better we
should get these

dangerous pot smokers off the
streets than a run on Pop Tarts

at the grocery stores.
Are you mouthing off to this court, Mr. Rudolph?

Yes, I am, Judge-- that's
what happens when I've been

screwed with a couple hours
straight by someone
other than my wife.

Jack...
You've been playing around
with us like we're

a damn cat toy
'cause you think it's funny.

Judge...
How exactly is
that different from what

these guys do
every Friday night?
These guysaren't the law, Judge--
they don't wear a friggin' robe.

Jack, really,
he needs a lawyer.

I am a lawyer, and Buffalo Bob and his sister Sue
over here are gonna keep Tom in jail for the weekend

'cause they don't like Studio 60!

Deputy,handcuff Mr. Rudolph,
charge him with contempt and read him Miranda.

You can tell the governor he can find
a new ATM machine!

FINNEY:
Judge? Deputy,

hang on.

Mr. Jeter,come here--
let me see your wrist.

Isn't that
an illegal search?
He's already

under arrest, Matlock--
I can search whatever I want,and I just want to see
his wrist.

How much you pay this guy?

He's a copyright lawyer.

Now they tell me.
Let me see
your wrist.

You weren't protesting
in Nellis,you were driving to Nellis.

Finally. You were driving to Nellis, right?
Yes, sir.

Mark Jeter--
is that your brother?
Yes, sir.

Older or younger?

He's my little brother.

What's going on?

Mr. Jeter's younger brother
is a staff sergeant

with the 820th
Red Horse Squadron deployed out of
Nellis Air Force Base.

You know what
Red Horse does?

They go into war zones, and they
build things incredibly fast:

a hospital in three days,roads, bridges.

Is it dangerous?

You want to go
to a Taliban-controlled region of Afghanistan right now

with an American flag
on your shoulder and build a school?

Why didn't he say anything?

This isn't his
first tour, is it?

It's his third.

BEBE:
You see, Staff Sergeant Jeter's
just playing

Russian roulette at this point,
'cause you should see

what happens to the casualty
numbers with multiple tours.

He didn't want his little brother's last
act on this earth to be getting him out
of a speeding ticket.

I'm right, right?

Yes, sir.

What do you know,
I'm Agatha Christie.

Tony.

On my own motion,

I move to dismiss
all the chargesin my jurisdiction against Mr. Jeter.

I do so
in the interest of...

well, really
just 'cause I feel like it.

Thank you, sir.
Mr. Stiles

and Mr. Rudolph,
they're both friends of yours?

Yes, sir.
You sure?

Yes, sir.

You absolutely sure?

Yes, sir.

Deputy, can I see
that evidence bag?
No, sir.

We've lost the evidence bag.

Well, what do you
know about that.

Well, Sammy,
citing lack of corpus--

that's evidence to you--

I do not accept the charges
of possession or use.

And, Mr. Rudolph,

we'll just chalk you up to being an Ivy League tight-ass
who needs a vacation.

That should go for me, too, sir.
Don't press your
luck, funny man.

And stop thinking
everybody between 5th Avenue

and the Hollywood Bowl
just stepped barefoot out of the cast of Hee Haw.

Tell your friends
about it.

The pilot's flying
Are we flying
as fast as we can?

Captain said we were.

It doesn't seem like
we're flying as fast as we can.

It's hard to gauge airspeed.
But we're not trying
to conserve energy or anything.

No.
'Cause this is
no time to get serious
about global warming.

The pilot's flying as
fast as the plane will go,
and that's pretty fast.

This may sound crazy, but
we're not being slowed down

by the fact that you're
making chicken Caesar salad
for everyone, right?

No.

(loud groan)

What do you want?
You know the good
thing about Jordan?

Anytime something goes wrong,
you can blame her.

Mm, that's the best
you can do?
It's true.

I talked to her on the
phone-- Wilson White's
ready to blame her

if the China deal
falls through.
I can assure you

that Wilson will
assign a healthy portion
of the blame to me.

Jack...
Not everybody can afford
to be as indifferent

toward making money
as you are.

Yeah, but you're somebody
who can afford to be.

You're already rich, Jack--
why not be a broadcaster?

Oh, get away from me!
I'm saying...

You sit over there
in your theater...
I sit over there in my theater?

You have no idea what I do--
if you had my job for a day,

you'd sit in the middle
of the room and cry.
Maybe.

But if you had my job
for a day, you'd lose

a couple hundred million
of other people's dollars
and not care.

Though I'm sure NBS would be
the number one-rated network

within a one-mile
radius of Zabar's
and the Chateau Marmont.

You know,
you call me an elitist,

but I'm not the one who thinks
shows need to be dumber to work in central
and mountain time.

She's got a paper.
What?

JACK:
The kid.

She's got one
of the tabloids. Move.

Move, move.

(groans)

(sighs):
Hey, folks.

Reading the papers?

Yes.
You mind if I check
something out?

When you borrowed my camera,
you broke it.

Can't really break a newspaper.

When I'm done.

I'm looking for
the celebrity gossip.

Yeah.

You know what's fun?

The Jumbles.

They're pretty easy.

Well, it's not
like the challenge

of celebrity gossip,
but it passes the time.

Kim, would you
tell your father

we appreciate him flying
in more than one direction.

Even though it is
my company's plane.

He knows.
Any chance you'll tell him again anyway?

No. He knows.

Great.

Talk to her for the
rest of the flight.

I don't want her dad to
see anything about Jordan
in the gossip columns.

(loudly):
What is there
about Jordan...
Just do it.

JACK:
Are we going as fast
as we can go?

(laughs softly)

KIM:
Hi.

TOM:
Hi. How are you?

KIM (laughs):
I'm good.

"Russia's Interfax News
Agency is reporting
that researchers

at the country's
Plant Institute in
St. Petersburg..."

Hey. They're back.

Great.

Thanks.

You look good in that suit.

(laughs)

I mean, I don't really,
you know, check out...

Yeah.

You should get in costume
for dress.

Sure.

Annie Got Her Gun:
The Annie McNichol Story.

MATT:
Laugh all you want, Sam,
but you're the target demo.

We're gonna start
the dress late, right?

15 minutes, a couple hours,
depending on traffic.

Okay.
And it's possible we'll
be doing the dress at 8:30
and broadcasting it nationally.

You think if we start the dress
late that word's gonna get out?
Yes.

You think there'll be
press inquiries?
Yes.

We need a believable excuse.
We're the Keystone Kops,
and we feel lucky

when everybody can find the building in the morning,

much less start
a dress rehearsal on time?
Well, they'll buy that.

Yeah.

Hello.

I was wondering
if you'd look at a sketch.

You're pitching me Friday
at 5:15?

It's not
for tonight.

I just... I was hoping
for some feedback.

I'm finding it difficult to get their
attention.

Hey, there's a guy...
I said I'm having difficulty getting
their attention!

Okay.

And you're here for...?

The learning experience.

It's a parody
of the board game
"Operation."

You know the game?
There's a body,
and the playersremove parts
with tweezers.

I know the game.

"Operation on a single girl.

"Show cardboard cutout
of a woman and plastic parts

"to be removed
with surgeon-like precision.

"A group of single men
sit around the game and laugh

"while taking turns
with the tweezers.

"'Let's take out
her self-esteem! Her dreams!'

"'Hey, what's this?
You got her soul!

'My turn! My turn!
I want to get
the vulnerable parts!'"

It's good so far.

Can I ask, by any chance,did you just have
a bad breakup
with a boyfriend?

(sobbing)

It's okay.

It's all right. Let it out.

(crying)

Ow! Okay.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Okay. Okay.

All right, everybody out.
Let's go.

Get up. Go downstairs. Go.

Okay, sir, we've got
another car

waiting for you
right over...
right over here.

Can we talk about Jordan?

That was me talking
to you, okay?

Yeah.

(speaking Chinese)

He says,
"Just a moment, please."

(speaking Chinese)

She's got the gossip news
on her BlackBerry.

(speaking Chinese)

Drunken driving?

(Chinese)

Sex clubs and pornography?

(Chinese)

She objects
to women having children?

Of course she doesn't object
to women having...

(speaking Chinese)

This woman has brought
shame to your company.

I'm sorry for my father.

He's very much set in old and maybe cliched
ways of honor.

Is that right?

Yeah.
Okay.

Why don't you tell your father he can take his business
to Time Warner?

You don't really want me to...
Tell him.

My company doesn't have honor?
One of my guys

spent the day in two
different police stations

because he came to
the defense of a woman

who was being verbally
and physically abused!

He could have been
out of it easy

if he played
the "support our troops" card,

but he wasn't about to
minimize the sacrifice of his brother and
his brother's buddies!

Simon Stiles has
prior convictions

but, with the Budweiser
Clydesdales,

you could not stop him
from making it clear to a judge

that this much marijuana
was his!

This guy? I don't know
what the hell he was doing except trying
to convince me

that Jordan McDeere
has been all over
the gossip pages

because,
when she was 25,she married
a fraction of a man!

This man has been
telling tales both true and false in the hope
of selling a book and working the talk shows.

Sir, of all of
Jordan McDeere's faults, and there are many, lack of honor is not among them.

She's killing me with her honor!

So I'm sorry,
Mr. Zhiang.

You have insulted me, and you have insulted
my company!

And I think you should take
your business to Time Warner!

(speaking Chinese)
...Time Warner.

(speaking Chinese)

(speaking Chinese)

(speaking Chinese)
...Jordan McDeere.

(speaking Chinese)

Ah!

This is my fault.

I translated wrong.

He said that it's the ex-husband that brought dishonor
upon himself by speaking.

It's a subtle
grammatical nuance.

Important one, though,
wouldn't you say?

All right!

Well, I'm going
to go inside.

But, Jack, I could kiss you
all over the face right now.

Nice meeting you.

Danny?

I don't have a seat
on the board.

She's in trouble,
and if you have any influence over her at all,
now's the time to use it.

All right,
let's take this from the top.

I heard you were good.

Oh, man, you're back.
Yeah.

Oh, you're a sight
for sore eyes.

Tom's okay?
Yeah.

I heard you were good.

No, no.
I heard you owned it.

No. I'm back in
the Santa suit
where I belong.

I talked to Danny,
and just now to Matt.

I feel bad,
you been working all day.

Why don't you share the desk
with me and Harriet tonight?

No.
You sure?

Yeah. That's
your chair.

Well, thank you, sir.

All right, here we go.

Here we go.

(mostly unintelligible babbling)
He... he want...

I was going...
and he just used...

he... he... he...

I'm sorry. I can't
understand you.

"I thought
he was the one.

"I thought he was the man
I was going to grow old with, but he just used me for sex."

Welcome back.

Lucy, put it in
the writing.

We need you down
on the stage now.

Do not tell her
to put it into the writing.

Let's go.
Okay.

See how I did that?

Well, I loosened
the ketchup bottle a little.

I was here for her.

I'm going to go
around the building,settle everyone down,
have them take a deep breath.

You're the one
who started all this!

I know!
Okay.

Okay, I'm going
to go downstairs.

Hey, there's a diner in Pahrump.

You got to eat there.
Never tasted food this good.

They got a judge
who knows what he's doing, too.

I'll see you
after the dress.

What?

A simple life.

And a job,
a living wage.

It's what most people want.

A safe place to raise kids.

And the world is changing
too fast for them.

How about giving
the rest of the worlda little time to catch up?

I'd have said that
to Martin Luther King.

"Doc, give us a minute
to be white and racist before you go all marching
through Montgomery."

Don't compare being black
to being gay.

What the hell's the...?

The difference is that black
people have lived openly as black people
for 400 years.

Before civil rights!

For 400 years!

Gay people have lived openly
for about 30.

Tough.
Matt...

That doesn't mean
you say to a reporter...

I said,
"The Bible says it's a sin.

"But it also says,
'judge not lest
ye be judged.'"

I said, "I don't know."

Three words that would make a nice addition
to your vocabulary.

Harriet, I can't believe
you didn't tell me about it when it...

What would you have done?

That was supposed
to be me in jail!

I'm the one who's supposed
to be protecting you...

from gay street toughs.

That was supposed to be me.

God, Matthew,
are you crazy about me,or just crazy?

I don't know.

Now he learns
how to say it.