Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (2006–2007): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Long Lead Story - full transcript
A magazine writer shows up to write a story about the show, but ends up focusing her questions on the hot-and-cold relationship between Matt and Harriet.
Oh, holy Mother of God,
am I eating it.
This would be a lot easier
if you weren't staring at me.
I said this would be easier
if you weren't staring at me.
I'll bet it would.
You drawing a blank?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Isn't that the worst? What you gonna do?
- What do you mean?
- To get going again?
- Well, I'm gonna ask you to stop talking.
- Sure.
- Didn't help?
- I really need you to be someplace else.
- Total access or there's no story.
- I don't care if there's no story.
- I care if there's no show in 21 hours.
- Twenty hours, 38 minutes.
What are you doing?
- Just checking the make.
- For description?
It's a 10,000-word piece,
they're not all gonna be winners.
The numbers
in the corners of the cards...
...they are the running times
of each sketch, right?
- Yeah.
- So you've got, what?
Fifty seven, 30
plus five, 20 for "News 60"...
...plus seven, 45 for Sting.
You've got an hour,
10 minutes, 35 seconds.
- Yeah.
- Only 19 minutes...
...25 seconds more to write.
- There's a 3:30 commercial break.
- So 15 minutes, 55 seconds.
- What are you, Math Girl?
- It's addition and subtraction.
We're not doing a lot
of advanced cryptography tonight.
You've covered presidential campaigns.
You've covered presidents.
You've covered wars. What are you
writing about a TV show for?
What are you writing a TV show for?
I'm not. I'm watching you
dust my office for prints.
I'm writing about it because
what's happened here is important.
What's happening here is important.
I think popular culture in general
and this show in particular are important.
Excuse me.
Wardrobe wanted you to approve this.
Yeah, it's good.
Hang on.
That's supposed to be
a lobster costume, right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, then it's fine.
Great.
- Matt?
- Yeah.
You know, we don't
know each other very well, but...
You've spent every hour with me
for five days.
At this point,
you know me better than my parents.
- I don't know your parents.
- I meant...
I know.
I was doing a dangling modifier joke.
I stopped doing that in high school after
the fourth time I got stuffed in my locker.
I was gonna say we don't
know each other very well.
But I am someone
who can empathize.
When I've broken up with someone
I really liked...
...I've had a hard time
writing my column for months.
I just lose interest
in being interesting.
And I'm not even under an obligation,
like you, to be funny.
Martha, you're not gonna suck me
into a conversation about Harriet.
- I bet I will. Done.
- Hundred bucks. Okay.
- Matt?
- Yeah.
- Twenty hours, 35 minutes until ain'time.
- Yeah.
- That's cutting it a little close, isn't it?
- Yeah.
So here's my question.
Is the fear of failure on such
a massive scale a helpful motivation?
You really wouldn't rather be
in Baghdad right now?
No. But you know what
I think I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna spend some time
with the cast.
- Harriet?
- She is a member of the cast.
I like talking to you guys late at night.
You get pretty dopey.
- Knock yourself out.
- The lobster sketch isn't funny yet.
Tell me something else
I don't know, Woodward.
I am eating it.
The hat's good camouflage.
No one would recognize you.
- I'm sorry I'm late.
- No problem.
- Are you coming from work?
- I'm coming from a meeting.
- I'm going to work.
- A meeting with who?
- I can't tell you.
- Why not?
Because the second A
stands for anonymous, boss.
That kind of meeting. This late?
Any hour of the day.
How can I help you?
There's nothing wrong with chatting.
We just did. There was the baseball cap,
then something else.
Maybe it was the baseball cap.
I haven't done enough
to win your respect?
Who said I don't respect you?
- Jordan, what do you need?
- You know Trevor Laughlin?
- I know him.
- He wrote a pilot, and it's good.
Nations. Each season takes place
during a session of the U.N.
It sounds like it should be unbearable,
but it's not.
It's energetic, it's tense,
it's emotional, it's...
- I swear to God, it's funny.
- I've read it.
- And?
- I agree with everything you said.
I'd have used
more sophisticated adjectives.
Good for you. HBO wants it.
- I know that.
- Will you persuade him to come to NBS?
No.
- No what?
- No, ma'am?
Hi. What can I bring you?
What are you having?
Lipton tea.
A Chivas with ice, please.
- Is that okay with you?
- What?
- Drinking in front of you?
- We're in a bar.
- You won't help me with Trevor Laughlin?
- No.
- Why?
- He should be at HBO.
- Why?
- HBO is better.
Help me with Trevor Laughlin.
He's a playwright out of New York
with a lot of promise.
Steer them in the wrong direction,
know what's gonna happen?
- You lose your street cred?
- Right.
- You have street cred?
- I do.
Help me with this.
I don't think his show is right
for your network.
- Why?
- It's good.
Right. I can't imagine
why I'd think you don't respect me.
- Your Scotch is here.
- Thank you.
You mind drinking alone?
I should get back to the theater.
Matt should be melting down
about now.
No problem, Snoop Dogg.
All right, settle. Mark it from the top.
We have the music,
we have the Chyron.
And action.
Welcome back.
We continue to follow
the horrifying Christie Lambert saga.
VTR, "Day Seven,
Taken in the Night, Christie Lambert."
- A young Bennington College senior...
- Picture over the shoulder.
...on a hard-earned break
after six weeks of classes...
...goes to the island of Martinique
with three of her friends.
Her cell phone goes missing...
...now believed stolen.
Physically removed
from the Half Moon Bay Ramada...
...or possibly lost
during Bacardi Jell-O-shot hour...
...at Captain Luther's Shrimp Shack.
We are joined now
by Lieutenant Francois Latourel.
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
First, is there
any new news to report?
This is a missing cell phone, and your
program has had me on every day.
I really should be out doing
other things that really...
Excuse me, sir. Excuse me.
- I happen to be a former prosecutor.
- Yes, ma'am, I know that.
So I would think that you of all people
would want to see...
...law enforcement able to do their job.
- Where are you standing?
- Police headquarters.
Which, as you can see,
has no door or roof.
- Well, stay right there, because we have...
- Hold, please.
Simon's green screen
will have to be stage left, camera right.
We're not gonna have
the lobster set struck in time.
- Where can we put Jeannie?
- Tunnel 1.
Jeannie's dorm room set is Tunnel 1.
And go ahead.
Well, stay right there,
lieutenant...
...we've got Christie
live on our satellite feed...
...from her dorm room at McCallister Hall
in Bennington, Vermont.
Christie, are you hanging in there?
Thank you, Nancy.
I've got a great support system.
- Can I go?
- No.
Christie, take us back once again...
...to the last time
you saw your cell phone.
Well, I was partying, as I told you,
on the beach with Jenn and Kiki.
Jennifer Sullivan and Kiki Campbell.
Jenn, studying veterinary sciences,
Kiki, dance major with a minor in French.
- Practically fluent.
- Sorry.
- Nancy...
- You'll get your turn, sir.
Then we went to our room
to change.
Lieutenant, I'm assuming you've run all
this information through your computer...
...and cross-checked it
with the FBI's central database.
Our computer is a Commodore 64.
It was a gift from a captain
of a Princess Cruise in 1982.
What are those names
running quickly across the screen?
As a former prosecutor,
I'm sensitive to the reality...
...that Christie's phone
isn't the only phone missing today.
That's why I run the names of black,
poor or ugly people...
...who have also lost their phones
and need the public to be aware.
Okay, this is really...
Christie, you were meeting up
with Michael. I'm getting that right?
Michael Sonner, lacrosse player
who spent the day parasailing. Then what?
We went to Michael's room,
out on the balcony.
Balcony, platform exterior to a room,
found in temperate or tropical climate.
So Michael had weed...
News flash, and...
Hold, please. That's all I need.
- We should start the sound check.
- Wrap them.
We're gonna play some 17th-century
English folk songs out here.
Cast is wrapped for the night.
Staggered calls in the morning.
Check your call sheets.
- That's what I was thinking.
- You're right.
- Harriet?
- Hi.
- You got a minute?
- Sure. It's a little late.
I'm gone for the next two weeks.
I'll be covering House races.
- Which ones?
- A couple where there are stories.
A couple where there are
just good jokes.
- I know the feeling.
- The Nancy Grace sketch is funny.
Thank you.
Simon and Jeannie
have got very special timing...
...and Matt knows how to get it
in their strike zone.
I've spent most of the week with Matt,
and I wanted to talk to you before I left.
This'll be the first of many conversations.
We don't have to do everything now.
I know you wanna get to sleep.
Well, everyone here is a big fan
of yours, Martha.
- Really?
- Yeah.
How would I be referred to
in your parents' house?
The devil's whore from Washington.
Yeah. I'm actually the devil's whore
from Bethesda.
Harriet, the "News 60" rundown's
being moved to 10...
...so they'd like to do
the still photo shoot at 8.
Well, 8 in the morning's my best look,
so count me in.
Thank you.
You know, you wanna talk to somebody,
you should talk to her.
Talk to the PAs. First ones here,
last ones to leave, $350 a week.
- I will.
- And the interns.
I was thinking
that Harriet's an unusual name.
- Yeah?
- It's from another generation.
It's my middle name.
I'm Hannah Harriet Hayes.
My mother named me after Hannah
in the Old Testament...
...who prayed to God
that if he gave her a child...
...she would give the child
back to God.
My mother had had six boys
before she had me...
...so she was pretty psyched.
- Why'd you change it?
- There was a Hannah Hayes in the union.
And you're Southern Baptist.
Martha, hasn't enough been written
about my religion?
As a matter of fact, I've done
a lot of searches and hardly anything has.
Generic references are made to your being
a Christian, but in a tabloid context.
You work in Washington,
and I work in Hollywood...
...but take my word for it,
in most other parts of the world...
...the fact that I believe in God
wouldn't be noteworthy.
But you work in Hollywood.
I'm not the only one at my church
on Sunday.
Our church
isn't the only church in town.
You're the only one who stars
on a late-night comedy show...
...whose staple
is attacking the religious Right.
That's an overstatement.
"Crazy Christians," "Science Schmience,"
the weather with Pat Robertson.
I'm sorry, Pat Robertson
has taken to predicting the weather...
...and boasting of being able
to leg-lift a Navigator.
That's not attacking religion,
it's attacking preposterousness.
Would you have a problem
doing a sketch about premarital sex?
I don't have a problem
having premarital sex.
Might be the only sex I have.
I gave you your pull-quote.
- So can I go home?
- Two more minutes.
You're not going to get me
to talk about Matt.
Matt bet me a hundred dollars
that I couldn't get him to talk about you.
I'll talk about his writing
or I'll talk about him as a boss...
No, I just spent five days with him.
I want to talk about you.
Is there a way to do that where you don't
make me sound like a narcissistic twit?
- Are there good actors and bad actors?
- Yes.
- Good directors and bad directors?
- Yeah.
There are good reporters
and bad reporters.
Which do you think I am?
What would you like to know?
- Where were you born?
- Brighton, Michigan.
- And you've got six older brothers.
- Yeah.
- What do your parents do?
- They're both dead.
My father worked
in a paper-processing plant.
My mother was a secretary
in a doctor's office.
- You were close?
- You don't need to write this down?
No.
My father wasn't very religious,
and neither are my brothers.
But my mother used to take me
to church.
- What Church?
- Antioch Baptist Church.
What could it possibly matter?
I'm sorry.
I'm tired.
Antioch Baptist Church.
The luck my mother never had winning
her sons to Christ, she found with me.
I was memorizing whole passages
of Scripture by the time I was 6.
- Really?
- I won a contest to see...
...who could name
all 66 books of the Bible.
- Can you still do it?
- Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus...
...Numbers, Deuteronomy, Joshua...
- How did you get into comedy?
- Nobody wanted to hire me as a ballerina.
- Seriously.
- I'm serious. I've danced since I was 4.
- And sang?
- And sang.
How did you get into comedy?
- I liked Judy Holliday.
- Really?
I watched Bells Are Ringing
till I wore out the tape...
...and bought another
with my allowance.
- Did your mother mind?
- She encouraged it.
She'd quote the Psalms:
He who sits high
in heaven shall laugh.
It was a small house,
with seven kids...
...a devout mother...
...and a far-from-devout father
who'd started to drink...
...when he was laid off
from the paper plant.
I was good at defusing tension.
My mother put me in church plays.
And one time,
I just went up on a line...
...and to cover, I broke into
a Judy Holliday impression.
There was stunned silence...
...until the minister
burst out laughing.
And I looked...
...and I saw the pride
on my mother's face.
And I told her I was ready to accept
Christ, and I was baptized.
You became a Christian and a comedian
at the same time.
Roughly.
I got an academic scholarship
to study music at Rutgers.
I'd come into the city a lot
and go to the comedy clubs.
Then I got another scholarship
to get a masters in music at Kansas State.
But I went to Chicago instead
and swept the floors at Second City.
Then I came to L.A.,
started interning with the Groundlings.
I started getting some stage time.
And one night,
a guy came up to me and said:
"My name is Danny Tripp.
I'm a segment producer at Studio 60.
You should audition for Wes Mendell."
It was Danny who found you?
- Yeah.
- Not Matt?
All crew to stage
for sound check, please.
Hang on.
- What's that?
- It's a lute.
- A lute?
- The instrument.
They're doing Sting's sound check.
He's got a classical album coming out,
and he plays the lute.
Sting is in the building right now?
He's on-stage.
Sting is upstairs playing a lute?
You wanna go watch?
Harriet, you're interesting,
but get out of my way.
No, I'm sorry.
And go ahead.
And action.
It's a beautiful instrument.
Sting or the lute?
- I'm gonna head on home.
- One last thing.
- Oh, Martha...
- And this will be it.
Okay.
Matt wasn't a star around here
until you showed up.
I checked around,
I looked at old scripts.
He'd been here a couple of years,
but he'd hardly gotten anything on the air.
People who were here then
don't even remember who he was.
Wes certainly knew who he was.
No, he didn't break out
until you came on the show.
You came on the show and, suddenly,
he's getting everything on the air.
And most of it's for you.
As a result, you went from saying:
"May I take your order"
in a restaurant sketch to being a star.
Obviously, that can be a coincidence.
Was it?
Martha.
I'm not writing a love story,
I'm just asking.
My mother got cancer when I was 15.
And I said, "Mom, how come
you never say, 'Why me? '"
And she said,
"I never asked God, 'Why me? '...
...when the good things happened,
so I shouldn't ask now."
You don't question
why the good things happen.
Thank you. Great.
Sting, thank you, sir.
Painless as always, Calvin.
Thank you.
Tell you what though, I'm tired of lute
players getting all the great women.
- That's why I took it up, just to compete.
- See you tomorrow.
Get some sleep.
Let these fellows go home.
Hear that? Sting just said,
"Let these guys go home."
- I'll see you tomorrow.
- Hannah.
It was a coincidence.
When you're as good as Matt,
you don't stay a secret very long.
- I just got here when it happened.
- Okay.
- All right?
- Great.
See you tomorrow.
How are you different
from your mother?
I hope in as few ways as possible.
- You need anything?
- Pen, I need a pen.
It's called Search and Destroy. We've
been keeping the title under wraps...
...for obvious reasons.
The game is as follows, five engaged
couples living together for 12 weeks...
...in a mansion in South Beach.
They're preparing to get married,
we're trying to break them up.
Sounds like Temptation Island?
It's not.
Why? Because instead of
breaking them up by dangling...
...the possibility of inconsequential sex,
we're gonna break them up with the truth.
Thank you, love.
It's based on the notion that no one's life
can withstand public scrutiny.
We'll see that hypothesis
put to the test.
We will use the best private investigators
to dig up information on our couples.
Anything from infidelity to infertility
to the addiction to Internet pornography.
If Sarah and Bob are a Catholic couple, we
may find out that Sarah had an abortion.
- In fact, maybe the baby was Bob's.
- But here is where I think the beauty lies.
Rather than filming months in advance
and signing secrecy agreements...
...we will be filming each episode
in the week that it airs.
My post-production team can assemble,
cut and mix a show in 24 hours.
The result? The media itself
will be part of the game.
Rumor will work as well as truth.
The couple that survives until the end
will receive a lavish wedding...
...the house in South Beach,
and $ 1 million.
Search and Destroy.
That's our show.
I don't know, Martin. One of these days,
you'll come up with a good idea.
King of the genre,
my client right here.
No argument from me.
- Twenty-four hours to get a bid together.
- Thank you.
That's 6 p.m. today to 6 p.m. Saturday,
not Monday. There's been some confusion.
Twenty-four hours.
Thank you all for coming in today.
Martin, very nice meeting you.
Same here.
And chin up, you'll weather the storm.
Sure.
- Hey.
- Yeah?
- You know, you could've...
- What?
Loved them up a little more.
Yeah?
Seriously, they're walking to the elevator
saying they weren't feeling it.
I'll call Robbie
and make it okay.
Half your job description is being
disarmingly seductive. I wasn't seeing it.
I'm not bidding on it.
They weren't pitching us.
We were pitching them.
And when they make their decision,
they're gonna factor in... What?
- I'm not bidding on it.
- What are you talking about?
- I'm passing.
- On what?
On what? On Masterpiece Theater.
- You're not kidding?
- No.
- You may have a problem with the show...
- I do.
...but it's gonna be a hit.
- It is, but for somebody else.
- What are you saying?
I'm saying, for the fifth time now,
I'm passing.
You're letting a personal episode
inform your judgment...
I don't live my life in episodes.
...on a business decision.
Whatever you wanna call it.
The man and his shows do nothing
but make money.
You're getting taken
for a walk by tabloids...
...your ex,
the Christian Right, I get it.
You don't get it. They wanna fillet me,
that's the cost of doing business, I'm fine.
- Really?
- Yes.
When was the last time
you slept four hours? This show...
Is toxic.
It's bad crack in the schoolyard.
And we're three weeks removed
from Wes Mendell taking 53 seconds...
...and destroying an unparalleled legacy
in television to tell us so.
We're honoring Wes' memory?
That's what...?
A contest to see whose lives
can withstand public scrutiny?
How interesting that couple must be.
"But here's where I think
the beauty lies."
Now we all get to be
unctuous British gossip bitches.
"Maybe it was Bob's baby."
Well, I'm sorry,
I'm bigfooting you on this one.
We're making the bid,
and we're making the bid we planned.
You got a problem,
because you haven't read my contract.
I get to greenlight
up to 1.2 million on my own.
But I can reject whatever I want
and only Wilson White can say otherwise.
Be in my office tonight at 9:00
to see Wilson White.
I can't. There's a writer
I'm trying to get from HBO.
I invited him to watch Studio 60
with me tonight in the box.
Then you have a problem, Jordan...
...because you haven't read the sign
on my door that says chairman.
Be in my office at 9:00.
Don't slam the door.
Thanks.
- Jenny, you gotta have a baby.
- You gotta have one now.
- Well, sure, I'm hoping to one day.
- Not one day, right now.
- This minute.
- Guys.
- You can't imagine how fulfilling it is.
- You can't.
The fulfillment
is beyond your comprehension.
- I feel like a woman.
- I finally feel like a woman.
I feel like a woman.
- You can't.
- It's impossible.
- You think you feel like a woman.
- You don't.
- You think you feel fulfilled.
- You're not.
What you need to do
is freeze your eggs.
I'm sorry?
You have a shelf life, Jenny.
You're getting older every second.
Right there, while I was talking,
you got older.
Jenny's friends are all new moms
But Jenny doesn 't have anyone
They all say she's missing the fun
'Cause Jenny doesn 't have a baby
Hi. Folks, hi.
It's my turn to thank you very much
for being a terrific rehearsal audience.
You deserve it.
We need to ask you to stay
for another two minutes and 40 seconds.
Believe it or not,
we rehearse saying good night.
We also rehearse the two-minute
and 20-second commercial break.
In the meantime,
I can tell you what's happening.
Danny Tripp has just gone upstairs
to Matt Albie's office...
...where the two of them
will very quickly...
...decide what makes it
into the show tonight.
We call this the Friday night slaughter,
because this is where you find out...
...if you have a chance
to be the next Bill Murray...
...or the next
Domino's Pizza delivery guy.
Twelve, 45 long.
- Let's get Cal first.
- I'm here.
- I got 12, 45 heavy.
- That's what it is.
Move "Nancy Grace" up.
It's the best we got tonight.
You have to move
"Couple Counselor" down.
- Why?
- Tunnels 2 and 5.
- Can't reposition the cameras.
- We gotta rebuild this theater.
We're on TV in an hour.
I don't think now is the best time.
- "Al Qaeda Culinary Institute"?
- Cut it.
"Tom Jeter's Metric Conversion"?
I don't think he was
that attached to it anyway.
- Where does that leave us with time?
- We still need another four minutes.
"Sign Language"?
And "Jenny Doesn't Have a Baby."
- It was good.
- No, it wasn't, it was almost good.
Good night, everybody.
- Tom.
- Yeah?
- Can I talk to you a second?
- Yeah.
I did something really stupid.
- What?
- I feel like an idiot.
I've spent the week in a lobster costume,
so you're talking to the right guy.
Martha O'Dell wanted to talk to me,
and the press office said it was okay.
She was asking about some things.
And I told her the story...
...about how Matt went down
to the Roxy...
...to get one of the Bombshell Babes...
- Suzanne.
...to sign a boot
to make Harriet jealous.
- Why?
- I thought it was a charming story.
I thought it made Matt look sweet,
but as soon as it was done, I realized...
...I completely betrayed
this guy who I worship.
You know,
it wouldn't kill you to worship me.
- Tom.
- Don't worry about it.
- I'll take care of it.
- How?
Don't worry about it.
You should go eat.
Good show.
I'm gonna pitch cutting
"Couples Counselor"...
...and putting back
"Jenny Doesn't Have a Baby."
If we keep cutting sketches the host is in,
we'll have a hard time getting hosts.
We're gonna have a hard time
if the show isn't funny.
She was making it work.
I don't want her to have to make it work.
I want it to work when it's handed to her.
Them, the whole... The cast, I want it
to work when it's handed to them.
You know what we're gonna do
at the wrap party?
We're gonna find you your rebound girl.
An intermezzo, a cleansing of the palate.
We're not looking for a girl with a Ph.D.
in string theory or anything, okay?
There'll be at least half a dozen women
there who've been on the cover of FHM.
- That's what's for you right now.
- Really?
Trust me, trust my face.
- You are...?
- Twice divorced.
- You have...?
- No one in my life at the moment.
- You haven't for...?
- Quite some time.
- Okay.
- We'll cut "Jenny."
Cast and crew, one hour to air.
One hour to air.
We really are gonna
rebuild this theater.
Okay, well,
I'm gonna rewrite three sketches.
Then I'll grab my tool belt
and get on that.
Thanks.
All right, here we go.
We've got a barn,
let's put on a show.
Thirty minutes till air, everyone.
Thirty minutes till air.
- No.
- They teach you how to cheat?
- "They teach you how to cheat?"
- Of course not...
- Come in.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Word's out you were looking for me.
Yes, thank you. Come in, sit down.
Okay.
You talked to one of our PAs, Suzanne.
Yes. Harriet suggested it.
Yes. She's not used to giving interviews,
and you're a very intimidating presence.
She told you that last week
Matt went to the Roxy...
...to see one of the Bombshell Babies...
To get her to sign a stiletto boot
for Harriet as retaliation...
...for Harriet giving him a baseball bat
with Darren Wells' phone number on it.
Yes. She feels very bad
about revealing that confidence.
While I'm not gonna ask you
not to write it, I'm gonna ask you a favor.
- What?
- I just told you the story.
Right now.
Attribute it to me and not Suzanne.
That's very gentlemanly of you.
Well, I'm kind of the one
who told him to do it.
Which, by the way,
he ended up not doing.
- He didn't give her the boot.
- He thought better of it.
- "Metric Conversion" was good.
- Simon, you got a minute?
- For a rectal probe?
- Yeah.
- Sure.
- Hang on.
- Excuse us just one second.
- Okay.
I just wanna bring you up to speed
on something.
Suzanne told Martha
about Matt and Harriet...
...and Darren Wells
and the Bombshell Babies.
Why the hell would she?
She's young, inexperienced,
and didn't know better. Here's what I did.
- I confirmed it.
- Because you're stupid?
- Martha thought it was gentlemanly.
- Matt will use a different word.
I'm taking the hit for Suzanne.
- All right, how much does she know?
- I don't know.
- The "Star-Spangled Banner"?
- I don't know.
- The 700 Club?
- I don't know.
- About Jeannie?
- I really don't know.
I am the only one
in this whole organization...
...that knows how to handle the press.
They know exactly what I want them
to know, nothing more.
I operate like an international spy.
Okay, so I got a few minutes.
You wanna know about
when I was in a gang?
No, I wanna know about
the "Star-Spangled Banner"...
...The 700 Club and Jeannie.
You're still miked, Mata Hari.
- Damn.
- Yeah.
Okay, so you broke us.
Yeah, it's not exactly cracking
the Alger Hiss case with you guys.
You know what I mean?
They teach you to double-cross
your best friend?
What was in Beijing, sir?
- Please don't call me sir.
- I'm sorry.
I wasn't in Beijing, I was in Macau,
which is about 1200 miles south.
And it's experienced
28 percent growth in two years.
There's an American consortium
including TMG, Steve Wynn, MGM Grand.
We're investing
$20 billion in Macau...
...to turn it into
the Las Vegas of Asia.
I started as an intern
on The Danny Thomas Show.
And on Monday, I'm gonna start
to build a city in China.
Talk fast.
I've been on a plane for 20 hours.
We're in a bidding war for an
unscripted series from Martin Sykes...
...who's made a lot of money
for every network but ours.
It will be a prohibitive hit,
impossible to counter-program.
Whoever gets it will own the night.
They'll have Boardwalk and Park Place.
It's a 24-hour window, and the meter's
been running for three hours.
I want it, Sales wants it.
Jordan's exercising
a clause in her contract...
...which allows her
to reject the program...
...save for your intervention.
- What's the problem?
- It's disgusting.
- I need more than that.
- It's patently disgusting.
It appeals to the worst in our nature.
Whoever airs it will play a role
in subverting our national culture.
It doesn't belong on anyone's air.
Certainly not ours when we're trying
to re-brand for high-end viewers.
I swear to God, sir...
...the better our shows are,
the more money we're gonna make.
I just told you not to call me sir.
If you want her to cook the meal...
...you gotta let her shop
for the groceries.
Anything else?
No.
Tell your kids to learn Mandarin.
Who said that?
Who said what?
If you want me to cook,
let me shop for the groceries.
- Bill Parcells.
- Who's that?
A football coach who hasn't won
a playoff game in nine years.
And we're back. I'm Nicolas Cage,
your couples counselor.
And I'm here with Mindy and Jack.
Jack, before the commercial,
we were talking about...?
I was just saying that I feel...
...that Mindy could be a little closer
to my stepbrother Phil.
If I'm right about Mindy,
she'll get a lot closer to Phil.
You'll come home and find
your stepbrother Phil in the shower...
...wearing your favorite felt hat!
I'm not perfect either.
- Heroin?
- No.
Well, what is it, then?
Sometimes, I leave used floss
lying on the bathroom counter.
It's not a big deal.
Jack, let me draw you a straight line...
...between her floss
on the edge of the sink...
...and her used bloody syringes all over
hand-stitched Australasian yoga mats.
- I don't do yoga.
- You can jump in...
You're a frigid...
A study out of the University
of Washington found...
...men who are good dancers
attract more women.
The full report can be read
in Gay Husband Monthly.
The Washington Post reports
that the Army is launching...
...a military theme park in Virginia
with simulator rides.
The project is expected
to cost $900 million...
...and none of the rides will ever end.
- Simon.
- Harry, listen, something's happened.
- What?
- You know your...?
What do you call it?
Your personal life?
- Yeah?
- Well...
What did you idiots
tell Martha O'Dell?
For what it's worth,
it started off as a gentlemanly act.
You say that now,
but what are you gonna do...
...when he comes home
from a Rolling Stone cover shoot...
...or whatever it is he does...
I sell windows.
- and you've gone through half a tube
of industrial sealant...
...can't get your head out of the bag, and
he's wishing you'd burn in unholy hell?
Well...
And that's all the time we have this week
on Nicolas Cage, Couples Counselor.
Tune in next week
when our theme will be...
..."Losing the Passion:
It's Not You, It's Her."
- Yes, sir.
- I've got us right on the money.
That's where we are.
Hey, I'm looking up at the box.
I don't see McDeere.
Think she fell out of love with us?
It happens, people change.
Give her a break tonight
if you see her.
People tell me Les Moonves
got the Martin Sykes show.
- She lost the bid?
- She didn 't make the bid.
- What do you mean?
- She passed.
- Really?
- Jack's wandering the streets.
So no one in L.A.'s safe tonight.
Okay.
Matt?
I'm off to catch the redeye.
I'll see you in a couple of weeks.
Have a good flight.
- Is that the bat?
- What bat?
I'll say this about you guys,
you look out for each other.
You're not very good at doing it,
but it's nice to see the effort.
Even Harriet. When I mentioned your
pathological dislike of the religious Right...
...she jumped to your defense.
You broke up with her
because she went on The 700 Club...
...to promote her album?
What are you writing about, Martha?
I don't know yet.
I know that half this country
hates the other half.
And I know that for 90 minutes a week,
you and Harriet come together.
You were here for two years...
...before anybody knew your name.
Harriet got here,
and you both broke at the same time.
- I wasn't a hack.
- I didn't say you were.
I had a one-act at the Humana Festival
in Louisville and another at EST...
...that's the Ensemble Studio Theater
in New York.
- Those are two important stages.
- I know them both.
- What's this for?
- A hundred dollars.
I was trying to impress Harriet.
That's how I broke.
No kidding.
Sadly, I can't cash this
for ethical reasons...
...but I will pin it to my bulletin board
along with the others.
I'll see you in a couple of weeks.
Two minutes till we're back, everyone,
two minutes till we're back.
- Trevor.
- Hi.
So sorry to make you wait.
- I hope they told you it was...
- Sure.
Thanks.
Are they doing good tonight?
- I think it's their best show yet.
- Good.
I want Nations on NBS, Trevor.
It means a lot to me
that you like the script.
But the bottom line is that...
...I don't think my show
will find an audience on your network.
I think HBO is where people expect
to find more literate programming.
Yeah. I can't remember...
...which Jane Austen novel
was Taxicab Confessions adapted from?
And as far as finding an audience,
that's my job.
You wrote an off-Broadway play about
Pericles when he was mayor of Athens.
Yeah.
Pericles said, "All things good
should flow into the boulevard."
Your show is good, and it should be on
American broadcast television for free...
...and seen by as many people
as possible.
There's nothing wrong with the medium,
just content.
There's only one way to change that.
- Excuse me.
- Danny.
- How are your folks?
- Good.
- Aren't you producing a show right now?
- Yes, aren't you?
Yeah, but come here,
let me talk to you for a second.
First team, places.
Inside, 30 seconds.
Great. Thanks.
Okay, you got it.
- Got what?
- The show.
I'd be happy to do it at NBS.
Why?
He just told me to.
Still hearing noise. Have to be quiet.
What was that for?
- We're ready.
- Passing on Martin Sykes.
I do a whole speech
about Pericles of Athens...
...you come in and say do it,
and he does it?
Street cred.
Stand by. We're back
in five, four, three, two...
Ladies and gentlemen,
once again, Sting.
How do you even find
a lute teacher?
It's for "Society Gal Car Wash."
I know.
I didn't think
he was gonna do this one.
I asked him to.
What's it like telling a rock legend
what to sing and having him sing it?
I didn't tell him, I asked him.
I like this song.
Reminds me of something.
You know Martha O'Dell's
got our number, right?
Oh, Harry,
I don't even have our number.
Darren Wells is meeting me
at the wrap party.
Well, Danny's determined
to fix me up...
...with a model from
Cars and Chicks Quarterly or something.
You knock my socks off.
am I eating it.
This would be a lot easier
if you weren't staring at me.
I said this would be easier
if you weren't staring at me.
I'll bet it would.
You drawing a blank?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Isn't that the worst? What you gonna do?
- What do you mean?
- To get going again?
- Well, I'm gonna ask you to stop talking.
- Sure.
- Didn't help?
- I really need you to be someplace else.
- Total access or there's no story.
- I don't care if there's no story.
- I care if there's no show in 21 hours.
- Twenty hours, 38 minutes.
What are you doing?
- Just checking the make.
- For description?
It's a 10,000-word piece,
they're not all gonna be winners.
The numbers
in the corners of the cards...
...they are the running times
of each sketch, right?
- Yeah.
- So you've got, what?
Fifty seven, 30
plus five, 20 for "News 60"...
...plus seven, 45 for Sting.
You've got an hour,
10 minutes, 35 seconds.
- Yeah.
- Only 19 minutes...
...25 seconds more to write.
- There's a 3:30 commercial break.
- So 15 minutes, 55 seconds.
- What are you, Math Girl?
- It's addition and subtraction.
We're not doing a lot
of advanced cryptography tonight.
You've covered presidential campaigns.
You've covered presidents.
You've covered wars. What are you
writing about a TV show for?
What are you writing a TV show for?
I'm not. I'm watching you
dust my office for prints.
I'm writing about it because
what's happened here is important.
What's happening here is important.
I think popular culture in general
and this show in particular are important.
Excuse me.
Wardrobe wanted you to approve this.
Yeah, it's good.
Hang on.
That's supposed to be
a lobster costume, right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, then it's fine.
Great.
- Matt?
- Yeah.
You know, we don't
know each other very well, but...
You've spent every hour with me
for five days.
At this point,
you know me better than my parents.
- I don't know your parents.
- I meant...
I know.
I was doing a dangling modifier joke.
I stopped doing that in high school after
the fourth time I got stuffed in my locker.
I was gonna say we don't
know each other very well.
But I am someone
who can empathize.
When I've broken up with someone
I really liked...
...I've had a hard time
writing my column for months.
I just lose interest
in being interesting.
And I'm not even under an obligation,
like you, to be funny.
Martha, you're not gonna suck me
into a conversation about Harriet.
- I bet I will. Done.
- Hundred bucks. Okay.
- Matt?
- Yeah.
- Twenty hours, 35 minutes until ain'time.
- Yeah.
- That's cutting it a little close, isn't it?
- Yeah.
So here's my question.
Is the fear of failure on such
a massive scale a helpful motivation?
You really wouldn't rather be
in Baghdad right now?
No. But you know what
I think I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna spend some time
with the cast.
- Harriet?
- She is a member of the cast.
I like talking to you guys late at night.
You get pretty dopey.
- Knock yourself out.
- The lobster sketch isn't funny yet.
Tell me something else
I don't know, Woodward.
I am eating it.
The hat's good camouflage.
No one would recognize you.
- I'm sorry I'm late.
- No problem.
- Are you coming from work?
- I'm coming from a meeting.
- I'm going to work.
- A meeting with who?
- I can't tell you.
- Why not?
Because the second A
stands for anonymous, boss.
That kind of meeting. This late?
Any hour of the day.
How can I help you?
There's nothing wrong with chatting.
We just did. There was the baseball cap,
then something else.
Maybe it was the baseball cap.
I haven't done enough
to win your respect?
Who said I don't respect you?
- Jordan, what do you need?
- You know Trevor Laughlin?
- I know him.
- He wrote a pilot, and it's good.
Nations. Each season takes place
during a session of the U.N.
It sounds like it should be unbearable,
but it's not.
It's energetic, it's tense,
it's emotional, it's...
- I swear to God, it's funny.
- I've read it.
- And?
- I agree with everything you said.
I'd have used
more sophisticated adjectives.
Good for you. HBO wants it.
- I know that.
- Will you persuade him to come to NBS?
No.
- No what?
- No, ma'am?
Hi. What can I bring you?
What are you having?
Lipton tea.
A Chivas with ice, please.
- Is that okay with you?
- What?
- Drinking in front of you?
- We're in a bar.
- You won't help me with Trevor Laughlin?
- No.
- Why?
- He should be at HBO.
- Why?
- HBO is better.
Help me with Trevor Laughlin.
He's a playwright out of New York
with a lot of promise.
Steer them in the wrong direction,
know what's gonna happen?
- You lose your street cred?
- Right.
- You have street cred?
- I do.
Help me with this.
I don't think his show is right
for your network.
- Why?
- It's good.
Right. I can't imagine
why I'd think you don't respect me.
- Your Scotch is here.
- Thank you.
You mind drinking alone?
I should get back to the theater.
Matt should be melting down
about now.
No problem, Snoop Dogg.
All right, settle. Mark it from the top.
We have the music,
we have the Chyron.
And action.
Welcome back.
We continue to follow
the horrifying Christie Lambert saga.
VTR, "Day Seven,
Taken in the Night, Christie Lambert."
- A young Bennington College senior...
- Picture over the shoulder.
...on a hard-earned break
after six weeks of classes...
...goes to the island of Martinique
with three of her friends.
Her cell phone goes missing...
...now believed stolen.
Physically removed
from the Half Moon Bay Ramada...
...or possibly lost
during Bacardi Jell-O-shot hour...
...at Captain Luther's Shrimp Shack.
We are joined now
by Lieutenant Francois Latourel.
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
First, is there
any new news to report?
This is a missing cell phone, and your
program has had me on every day.
I really should be out doing
other things that really...
Excuse me, sir. Excuse me.
- I happen to be a former prosecutor.
- Yes, ma'am, I know that.
So I would think that you of all people
would want to see...
...law enforcement able to do their job.
- Where are you standing?
- Police headquarters.
Which, as you can see,
has no door or roof.
- Well, stay right there, because we have...
- Hold, please.
Simon's green screen
will have to be stage left, camera right.
We're not gonna have
the lobster set struck in time.
- Where can we put Jeannie?
- Tunnel 1.
Jeannie's dorm room set is Tunnel 1.
And go ahead.
Well, stay right there,
lieutenant...
...we've got Christie
live on our satellite feed...
...from her dorm room at McCallister Hall
in Bennington, Vermont.
Christie, are you hanging in there?
Thank you, Nancy.
I've got a great support system.
- Can I go?
- No.
Christie, take us back once again...
...to the last time
you saw your cell phone.
Well, I was partying, as I told you,
on the beach with Jenn and Kiki.
Jennifer Sullivan and Kiki Campbell.
Jenn, studying veterinary sciences,
Kiki, dance major with a minor in French.
- Practically fluent.
- Sorry.
- Nancy...
- You'll get your turn, sir.
Then we went to our room
to change.
Lieutenant, I'm assuming you've run all
this information through your computer...
...and cross-checked it
with the FBI's central database.
Our computer is a Commodore 64.
It was a gift from a captain
of a Princess Cruise in 1982.
What are those names
running quickly across the screen?
As a former prosecutor,
I'm sensitive to the reality...
...that Christie's phone
isn't the only phone missing today.
That's why I run the names of black,
poor or ugly people...
...who have also lost their phones
and need the public to be aware.
Okay, this is really...
Christie, you were meeting up
with Michael. I'm getting that right?
Michael Sonner, lacrosse player
who spent the day parasailing. Then what?
We went to Michael's room,
out on the balcony.
Balcony, platform exterior to a room,
found in temperate or tropical climate.
So Michael had weed...
News flash, and...
Hold, please. That's all I need.
- We should start the sound check.
- Wrap them.
We're gonna play some 17th-century
English folk songs out here.
Cast is wrapped for the night.
Staggered calls in the morning.
Check your call sheets.
- That's what I was thinking.
- You're right.
- Harriet?
- Hi.
- You got a minute?
- Sure. It's a little late.
I'm gone for the next two weeks.
I'll be covering House races.
- Which ones?
- A couple where there are stories.
A couple where there are
just good jokes.
- I know the feeling.
- The Nancy Grace sketch is funny.
Thank you.
Simon and Jeannie
have got very special timing...
...and Matt knows how to get it
in their strike zone.
I've spent most of the week with Matt,
and I wanted to talk to you before I left.
This'll be the first of many conversations.
We don't have to do everything now.
I know you wanna get to sleep.
Well, everyone here is a big fan
of yours, Martha.
- Really?
- Yeah.
How would I be referred to
in your parents' house?
The devil's whore from Washington.
Yeah. I'm actually the devil's whore
from Bethesda.
Harriet, the "News 60" rundown's
being moved to 10...
...so they'd like to do
the still photo shoot at 8.
Well, 8 in the morning's my best look,
so count me in.
Thank you.
You know, you wanna talk to somebody,
you should talk to her.
Talk to the PAs. First ones here,
last ones to leave, $350 a week.
- I will.
- And the interns.
I was thinking
that Harriet's an unusual name.
- Yeah?
- It's from another generation.
It's my middle name.
I'm Hannah Harriet Hayes.
My mother named me after Hannah
in the Old Testament...
...who prayed to God
that if he gave her a child...
...she would give the child
back to God.
My mother had had six boys
before she had me...
...so she was pretty psyched.
- Why'd you change it?
- There was a Hannah Hayes in the union.
And you're Southern Baptist.
Martha, hasn't enough been written
about my religion?
As a matter of fact, I've done
a lot of searches and hardly anything has.
Generic references are made to your being
a Christian, but in a tabloid context.
You work in Washington,
and I work in Hollywood...
...but take my word for it,
in most other parts of the world...
...the fact that I believe in God
wouldn't be noteworthy.
But you work in Hollywood.
I'm not the only one at my church
on Sunday.
Our church
isn't the only church in town.
You're the only one who stars
on a late-night comedy show...
...whose staple
is attacking the religious Right.
That's an overstatement.
"Crazy Christians," "Science Schmience,"
the weather with Pat Robertson.
I'm sorry, Pat Robertson
has taken to predicting the weather...
...and boasting of being able
to leg-lift a Navigator.
That's not attacking religion,
it's attacking preposterousness.
Would you have a problem
doing a sketch about premarital sex?
I don't have a problem
having premarital sex.
Might be the only sex I have.
I gave you your pull-quote.
- So can I go home?
- Two more minutes.
You're not going to get me
to talk about Matt.
Matt bet me a hundred dollars
that I couldn't get him to talk about you.
I'll talk about his writing
or I'll talk about him as a boss...
No, I just spent five days with him.
I want to talk about you.
Is there a way to do that where you don't
make me sound like a narcissistic twit?
- Are there good actors and bad actors?
- Yes.
- Good directors and bad directors?
- Yeah.
There are good reporters
and bad reporters.
Which do you think I am?
What would you like to know?
- Where were you born?
- Brighton, Michigan.
- And you've got six older brothers.
- Yeah.
- What do your parents do?
- They're both dead.
My father worked
in a paper-processing plant.
My mother was a secretary
in a doctor's office.
- You were close?
- You don't need to write this down?
No.
My father wasn't very religious,
and neither are my brothers.
But my mother used to take me
to church.
- What Church?
- Antioch Baptist Church.
What could it possibly matter?
I'm sorry.
I'm tired.
Antioch Baptist Church.
The luck my mother never had winning
her sons to Christ, she found with me.
I was memorizing whole passages
of Scripture by the time I was 6.
- Really?
- I won a contest to see...
...who could name
all 66 books of the Bible.
- Can you still do it?
- Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus...
...Numbers, Deuteronomy, Joshua...
- How did you get into comedy?
- Nobody wanted to hire me as a ballerina.
- Seriously.
- I'm serious. I've danced since I was 4.
- And sang?
- And sang.
How did you get into comedy?
- I liked Judy Holliday.
- Really?
I watched Bells Are Ringing
till I wore out the tape...
...and bought another
with my allowance.
- Did your mother mind?
- She encouraged it.
She'd quote the Psalms:
He who sits high
in heaven shall laugh.
It was a small house,
with seven kids...
...a devout mother...
...and a far-from-devout father
who'd started to drink...
...when he was laid off
from the paper plant.
I was good at defusing tension.
My mother put me in church plays.
And one time,
I just went up on a line...
...and to cover, I broke into
a Judy Holliday impression.
There was stunned silence...
...until the minister
burst out laughing.
And I looked...
...and I saw the pride
on my mother's face.
And I told her I was ready to accept
Christ, and I was baptized.
You became a Christian and a comedian
at the same time.
Roughly.
I got an academic scholarship
to study music at Rutgers.
I'd come into the city a lot
and go to the comedy clubs.
Then I got another scholarship
to get a masters in music at Kansas State.
But I went to Chicago instead
and swept the floors at Second City.
Then I came to L.A.,
started interning with the Groundlings.
I started getting some stage time.
And one night,
a guy came up to me and said:
"My name is Danny Tripp.
I'm a segment producer at Studio 60.
You should audition for Wes Mendell."
It was Danny who found you?
- Yeah.
- Not Matt?
All crew to stage
for sound check, please.
Hang on.
- What's that?
- It's a lute.
- A lute?
- The instrument.
They're doing Sting's sound check.
He's got a classical album coming out,
and he plays the lute.
Sting is in the building right now?
He's on-stage.
Sting is upstairs playing a lute?
You wanna go watch?
Harriet, you're interesting,
but get out of my way.
No, I'm sorry.
And go ahead.
And action.
It's a beautiful instrument.
Sting or the lute?
- I'm gonna head on home.
- One last thing.
- Oh, Martha...
- And this will be it.
Okay.
Matt wasn't a star around here
until you showed up.
I checked around,
I looked at old scripts.
He'd been here a couple of years,
but he'd hardly gotten anything on the air.
People who were here then
don't even remember who he was.
Wes certainly knew who he was.
No, he didn't break out
until you came on the show.
You came on the show and, suddenly,
he's getting everything on the air.
And most of it's for you.
As a result, you went from saying:
"May I take your order"
in a restaurant sketch to being a star.
Obviously, that can be a coincidence.
Was it?
Martha.
I'm not writing a love story,
I'm just asking.
My mother got cancer when I was 15.
And I said, "Mom, how come
you never say, 'Why me? '"
And she said,
"I never asked God, 'Why me? '...
...when the good things happened,
so I shouldn't ask now."
You don't question
why the good things happen.
Thank you. Great.
Sting, thank you, sir.
Painless as always, Calvin.
Thank you.
Tell you what though, I'm tired of lute
players getting all the great women.
- That's why I took it up, just to compete.
- See you tomorrow.
Get some sleep.
Let these fellows go home.
Hear that? Sting just said,
"Let these guys go home."
- I'll see you tomorrow.
- Hannah.
It was a coincidence.
When you're as good as Matt,
you don't stay a secret very long.
- I just got here when it happened.
- Okay.
- All right?
- Great.
See you tomorrow.
How are you different
from your mother?
I hope in as few ways as possible.
- You need anything?
- Pen, I need a pen.
It's called Search and Destroy. We've
been keeping the title under wraps...
...for obvious reasons.
The game is as follows, five engaged
couples living together for 12 weeks...
...in a mansion in South Beach.
They're preparing to get married,
we're trying to break them up.
Sounds like Temptation Island?
It's not.
Why? Because instead of
breaking them up by dangling...
...the possibility of inconsequential sex,
we're gonna break them up with the truth.
Thank you, love.
It's based on the notion that no one's life
can withstand public scrutiny.
We'll see that hypothesis
put to the test.
We will use the best private investigators
to dig up information on our couples.
Anything from infidelity to infertility
to the addiction to Internet pornography.
If Sarah and Bob are a Catholic couple, we
may find out that Sarah had an abortion.
- In fact, maybe the baby was Bob's.
- But here is where I think the beauty lies.
Rather than filming months in advance
and signing secrecy agreements...
...we will be filming each episode
in the week that it airs.
My post-production team can assemble,
cut and mix a show in 24 hours.
The result? The media itself
will be part of the game.
Rumor will work as well as truth.
The couple that survives until the end
will receive a lavish wedding...
...the house in South Beach,
and $ 1 million.
Search and Destroy.
That's our show.
I don't know, Martin. One of these days,
you'll come up with a good idea.
King of the genre,
my client right here.
No argument from me.
- Twenty-four hours to get a bid together.
- Thank you.
That's 6 p.m. today to 6 p.m. Saturday,
not Monday. There's been some confusion.
Twenty-four hours.
Thank you all for coming in today.
Martin, very nice meeting you.
Same here.
And chin up, you'll weather the storm.
Sure.
- Hey.
- Yeah?
- You know, you could've...
- What?
Loved them up a little more.
Yeah?
Seriously, they're walking to the elevator
saying they weren't feeling it.
I'll call Robbie
and make it okay.
Half your job description is being
disarmingly seductive. I wasn't seeing it.
I'm not bidding on it.
They weren't pitching us.
We were pitching them.
And when they make their decision,
they're gonna factor in... What?
- I'm not bidding on it.
- What are you talking about?
- I'm passing.
- On what?
On what? On Masterpiece Theater.
- You're not kidding?
- No.
- You may have a problem with the show...
- I do.
...but it's gonna be a hit.
- It is, but for somebody else.
- What are you saying?
I'm saying, for the fifth time now,
I'm passing.
You're letting a personal episode
inform your judgment...
I don't live my life in episodes.
...on a business decision.
Whatever you wanna call it.
The man and his shows do nothing
but make money.
You're getting taken
for a walk by tabloids...
...your ex,
the Christian Right, I get it.
You don't get it. They wanna fillet me,
that's the cost of doing business, I'm fine.
- Really?
- Yes.
When was the last time
you slept four hours? This show...
Is toxic.
It's bad crack in the schoolyard.
And we're three weeks removed
from Wes Mendell taking 53 seconds...
...and destroying an unparalleled legacy
in television to tell us so.
We're honoring Wes' memory?
That's what...?
A contest to see whose lives
can withstand public scrutiny?
How interesting that couple must be.
"But here's where I think
the beauty lies."
Now we all get to be
unctuous British gossip bitches.
"Maybe it was Bob's baby."
Well, I'm sorry,
I'm bigfooting you on this one.
We're making the bid,
and we're making the bid we planned.
You got a problem,
because you haven't read my contract.
I get to greenlight
up to 1.2 million on my own.
But I can reject whatever I want
and only Wilson White can say otherwise.
Be in my office tonight at 9:00
to see Wilson White.
I can't. There's a writer
I'm trying to get from HBO.
I invited him to watch Studio 60
with me tonight in the box.
Then you have a problem, Jordan...
...because you haven't read the sign
on my door that says chairman.
Be in my office at 9:00.
Don't slam the door.
Thanks.
- Jenny, you gotta have a baby.
- You gotta have one now.
- Well, sure, I'm hoping to one day.
- Not one day, right now.
- This minute.
- Guys.
- You can't imagine how fulfilling it is.
- You can't.
The fulfillment
is beyond your comprehension.
- I feel like a woman.
- I finally feel like a woman.
I feel like a woman.
- You can't.
- It's impossible.
- You think you feel like a woman.
- You don't.
- You think you feel fulfilled.
- You're not.
What you need to do
is freeze your eggs.
I'm sorry?
You have a shelf life, Jenny.
You're getting older every second.
Right there, while I was talking,
you got older.
Jenny's friends are all new moms
But Jenny doesn 't have anyone
They all say she's missing the fun
'Cause Jenny doesn 't have a baby
Hi. Folks, hi.
It's my turn to thank you very much
for being a terrific rehearsal audience.
You deserve it.
We need to ask you to stay
for another two minutes and 40 seconds.
Believe it or not,
we rehearse saying good night.
We also rehearse the two-minute
and 20-second commercial break.
In the meantime,
I can tell you what's happening.
Danny Tripp has just gone upstairs
to Matt Albie's office...
...where the two of them
will very quickly...
...decide what makes it
into the show tonight.
We call this the Friday night slaughter,
because this is where you find out...
...if you have a chance
to be the next Bill Murray...
...or the next
Domino's Pizza delivery guy.
Twelve, 45 long.
- Let's get Cal first.
- I'm here.
- I got 12, 45 heavy.
- That's what it is.
Move "Nancy Grace" up.
It's the best we got tonight.
You have to move
"Couple Counselor" down.
- Why?
- Tunnels 2 and 5.
- Can't reposition the cameras.
- We gotta rebuild this theater.
We're on TV in an hour.
I don't think now is the best time.
- "Al Qaeda Culinary Institute"?
- Cut it.
"Tom Jeter's Metric Conversion"?
I don't think he was
that attached to it anyway.
- Where does that leave us with time?
- We still need another four minutes.
"Sign Language"?
And "Jenny Doesn't Have a Baby."
- It was good.
- No, it wasn't, it was almost good.
Good night, everybody.
- Tom.
- Yeah?
- Can I talk to you a second?
- Yeah.
I did something really stupid.
- What?
- I feel like an idiot.
I've spent the week in a lobster costume,
so you're talking to the right guy.
Martha O'Dell wanted to talk to me,
and the press office said it was okay.
She was asking about some things.
And I told her the story...
...about how Matt went down
to the Roxy...
...to get one of the Bombshell Babes...
- Suzanne.
...to sign a boot
to make Harriet jealous.
- Why?
- I thought it was a charming story.
I thought it made Matt look sweet,
but as soon as it was done, I realized...
...I completely betrayed
this guy who I worship.
You know,
it wouldn't kill you to worship me.
- Tom.
- Don't worry about it.
- I'll take care of it.
- How?
Don't worry about it.
You should go eat.
Good show.
I'm gonna pitch cutting
"Couples Counselor"...
...and putting back
"Jenny Doesn't Have a Baby."
If we keep cutting sketches the host is in,
we'll have a hard time getting hosts.
We're gonna have a hard time
if the show isn't funny.
She was making it work.
I don't want her to have to make it work.
I want it to work when it's handed to her.
Them, the whole... The cast, I want it
to work when it's handed to them.
You know what we're gonna do
at the wrap party?
We're gonna find you your rebound girl.
An intermezzo, a cleansing of the palate.
We're not looking for a girl with a Ph.D.
in string theory or anything, okay?
There'll be at least half a dozen women
there who've been on the cover of FHM.
- That's what's for you right now.
- Really?
Trust me, trust my face.
- You are...?
- Twice divorced.
- You have...?
- No one in my life at the moment.
- You haven't for...?
- Quite some time.
- Okay.
- We'll cut "Jenny."
Cast and crew, one hour to air.
One hour to air.
We really are gonna
rebuild this theater.
Okay, well,
I'm gonna rewrite three sketches.
Then I'll grab my tool belt
and get on that.
Thanks.
All right, here we go.
We've got a barn,
let's put on a show.
Thirty minutes till air, everyone.
Thirty minutes till air.
- No.
- They teach you how to cheat?
- "They teach you how to cheat?"
- Of course not...
- Come in.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Word's out you were looking for me.
Yes, thank you. Come in, sit down.
Okay.
You talked to one of our PAs, Suzanne.
Yes. Harriet suggested it.
Yes. She's not used to giving interviews,
and you're a very intimidating presence.
She told you that last week
Matt went to the Roxy...
...to see one of the Bombshell Babies...
To get her to sign a stiletto boot
for Harriet as retaliation...
...for Harriet giving him a baseball bat
with Darren Wells' phone number on it.
Yes. She feels very bad
about revealing that confidence.
While I'm not gonna ask you
not to write it, I'm gonna ask you a favor.
- What?
- I just told you the story.
Right now.
Attribute it to me and not Suzanne.
That's very gentlemanly of you.
Well, I'm kind of the one
who told him to do it.
Which, by the way,
he ended up not doing.
- He didn't give her the boot.
- He thought better of it.
- "Metric Conversion" was good.
- Simon, you got a minute?
- For a rectal probe?
- Yeah.
- Sure.
- Hang on.
- Excuse us just one second.
- Okay.
I just wanna bring you up to speed
on something.
Suzanne told Martha
about Matt and Harriet...
...and Darren Wells
and the Bombshell Babies.
Why the hell would she?
She's young, inexperienced,
and didn't know better. Here's what I did.
- I confirmed it.
- Because you're stupid?
- Martha thought it was gentlemanly.
- Matt will use a different word.
I'm taking the hit for Suzanne.
- All right, how much does she know?
- I don't know.
- The "Star-Spangled Banner"?
- I don't know.
- The 700 Club?
- I don't know.
- About Jeannie?
- I really don't know.
I am the only one
in this whole organization...
...that knows how to handle the press.
They know exactly what I want them
to know, nothing more.
I operate like an international spy.
Okay, so I got a few minutes.
You wanna know about
when I was in a gang?
No, I wanna know about
the "Star-Spangled Banner"...
...The 700 Club and Jeannie.
You're still miked, Mata Hari.
- Damn.
- Yeah.
Okay, so you broke us.
Yeah, it's not exactly cracking
the Alger Hiss case with you guys.
You know what I mean?
They teach you to double-cross
your best friend?
What was in Beijing, sir?
- Please don't call me sir.
- I'm sorry.
I wasn't in Beijing, I was in Macau,
which is about 1200 miles south.
And it's experienced
28 percent growth in two years.
There's an American consortium
including TMG, Steve Wynn, MGM Grand.
We're investing
$20 billion in Macau...
...to turn it into
the Las Vegas of Asia.
I started as an intern
on The Danny Thomas Show.
And on Monday, I'm gonna start
to build a city in China.
Talk fast.
I've been on a plane for 20 hours.
We're in a bidding war for an
unscripted series from Martin Sykes...
...who's made a lot of money
for every network but ours.
It will be a prohibitive hit,
impossible to counter-program.
Whoever gets it will own the night.
They'll have Boardwalk and Park Place.
It's a 24-hour window, and the meter's
been running for three hours.
I want it, Sales wants it.
Jordan's exercising
a clause in her contract...
...which allows her
to reject the program...
...save for your intervention.
- What's the problem?
- It's disgusting.
- I need more than that.
- It's patently disgusting.
It appeals to the worst in our nature.
Whoever airs it will play a role
in subverting our national culture.
It doesn't belong on anyone's air.
Certainly not ours when we're trying
to re-brand for high-end viewers.
I swear to God, sir...
...the better our shows are,
the more money we're gonna make.
I just told you not to call me sir.
If you want her to cook the meal...
...you gotta let her shop
for the groceries.
Anything else?
No.
Tell your kids to learn Mandarin.
Who said that?
Who said what?
If you want me to cook,
let me shop for the groceries.
- Bill Parcells.
- Who's that?
A football coach who hasn't won
a playoff game in nine years.
And we're back. I'm Nicolas Cage,
your couples counselor.
And I'm here with Mindy and Jack.
Jack, before the commercial,
we were talking about...?
I was just saying that I feel...
...that Mindy could be a little closer
to my stepbrother Phil.
If I'm right about Mindy,
she'll get a lot closer to Phil.
You'll come home and find
your stepbrother Phil in the shower...
...wearing your favorite felt hat!
I'm not perfect either.
- Heroin?
- No.
Well, what is it, then?
Sometimes, I leave used floss
lying on the bathroom counter.
It's not a big deal.
Jack, let me draw you a straight line...
...between her floss
on the edge of the sink...
...and her used bloody syringes all over
hand-stitched Australasian yoga mats.
- I don't do yoga.
- You can jump in...
You're a frigid...
A study out of the University
of Washington found...
...men who are good dancers
attract more women.
The full report can be read
in Gay Husband Monthly.
The Washington Post reports
that the Army is launching...
...a military theme park in Virginia
with simulator rides.
The project is expected
to cost $900 million...
...and none of the rides will ever end.
- Simon.
- Harry, listen, something's happened.
- What?
- You know your...?
What do you call it?
Your personal life?
- Yeah?
- Well...
What did you idiots
tell Martha O'Dell?
For what it's worth,
it started off as a gentlemanly act.
You say that now,
but what are you gonna do...
...when he comes home
from a Rolling Stone cover shoot...
...or whatever it is he does...
I sell windows.
- and you've gone through half a tube
of industrial sealant...
...can't get your head out of the bag, and
he's wishing you'd burn in unholy hell?
Well...
And that's all the time we have this week
on Nicolas Cage, Couples Counselor.
Tune in next week
when our theme will be...
..."Losing the Passion:
It's Not You, It's Her."
- Yes, sir.
- I've got us right on the money.
That's where we are.
Hey, I'm looking up at the box.
I don't see McDeere.
Think she fell out of love with us?
It happens, people change.
Give her a break tonight
if you see her.
People tell me Les Moonves
got the Martin Sykes show.
- She lost the bid?
- She didn 't make the bid.
- What do you mean?
- She passed.
- Really?
- Jack's wandering the streets.
So no one in L.A.'s safe tonight.
Okay.
Matt?
I'm off to catch the redeye.
I'll see you in a couple of weeks.
Have a good flight.
- Is that the bat?
- What bat?
I'll say this about you guys,
you look out for each other.
You're not very good at doing it,
but it's nice to see the effort.
Even Harriet. When I mentioned your
pathological dislike of the religious Right...
...she jumped to your defense.
You broke up with her
because she went on The 700 Club...
...to promote her album?
What are you writing about, Martha?
I don't know yet.
I know that half this country
hates the other half.
And I know that for 90 minutes a week,
you and Harriet come together.
You were here for two years...
...before anybody knew your name.
Harriet got here,
and you both broke at the same time.
- I wasn't a hack.
- I didn't say you were.
I had a one-act at the Humana Festival
in Louisville and another at EST...
...that's the Ensemble Studio Theater
in New York.
- Those are two important stages.
- I know them both.
- What's this for?
- A hundred dollars.
I was trying to impress Harriet.
That's how I broke.
No kidding.
Sadly, I can't cash this
for ethical reasons...
...but I will pin it to my bulletin board
along with the others.
I'll see you in a couple of weeks.
Two minutes till we're back, everyone,
two minutes till we're back.
- Trevor.
- Hi.
So sorry to make you wait.
- I hope they told you it was...
- Sure.
Thanks.
Are they doing good tonight?
- I think it's their best show yet.
- Good.
I want Nations on NBS, Trevor.
It means a lot to me
that you like the script.
But the bottom line is that...
...I don't think my show
will find an audience on your network.
I think HBO is where people expect
to find more literate programming.
Yeah. I can't remember...
...which Jane Austen novel
was Taxicab Confessions adapted from?
And as far as finding an audience,
that's my job.
You wrote an off-Broadway play about
Pericles when he was mayor of Athens.
Yeah.
Pericles said, "All things good
should flow into the boulevard."
Your show is good, and it should be on
American broadcast television for free...
...and seen by as many people
as possible.
There's nothing wrong with the medium,
just content.
There's only one way to change that.
- Excuse me.
- Danny.
- How are your folks?
- Good.
- Aren't you producing a show right now?
- Yes, aren't you?
Yeah, but come here,
let me talk to you for a second.
First team, places.
Inside, 30 seconds.
Great. Thanks.
Okay, you got it.
- Got what?
- The show.
I'd be happy to do it at NBS.
Why?
He just told me to.
Still hearing noise. Have to be quiet.
What was that for?
- We're ready.
- Passing on Martin Sykes.
I do a whole speech
about Pericles of Athens...
...you come in and say do it,
and he does it?
Street cred.
Stand by. We're back
in five, four, three, two...
Ladies and gentlemen,
once again, Sting.
How do you even find
a lute teacher?
It's for "Society Gal Car Wash."
I know.
I didn't think
he was gonna do this one.
I asked him to.
What's it like telling a rock legend
what to sing and having him sing it?
I didn't tell him, I asked him.
I like this song.
Reminds me of something.
You know Martha O'Dell's
got our number, right?
Oh, Harry,
I don't even have our number.
Darren Wells is meeting me
at the wrap party.
Well, Danny's determined
to fix me up...
...with a model from
Cars and Chicks Quarterly or something.
You knock my socks off.