Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (2006–2007): Season 1, Episode 21 - K&R: Part 3 - full transcript
Jordan faces a new complication, Jack spends time with Simon following the actor's outburst and in flashback we finally see why Matt and Danny left the show five years previously.
Previously on Studio 60:
She went into shock?
- We closed her up, but DIC developed...
...which is a scary way of saying
that she won't clot.
It worked. I'm scared.
About 20 minutes ago,
we found out that Tom's brother...
...was one of three airmen
captured on a road out of Kandahar.
A company you've never heard of
called Trask Security...
...are well-connected
in the Near East.
- They deal with the locals.
- How?
They bring money
and they get the guy back.
How about I do my job
and bust you in your head?
You guys like making this entertainment?
Come on. It's the Sunset Strip.
No comment.
Why don't you two wait out here?
Well...
- You've got a guard out there?
- Uh, yeah.
- In case I try to escape?
- The guard's here to protect you.
- From what?
- Sadly for you, not me.
- Sir...
- "No wonder those guys wanna kill us.
I live here, and I wanna kill us. "
That's what you said, right, Simon?
- I honestly don't remember what I said.
- You don't have to.
It was on TV. It's still on TV.
And unless we do something now,
I mean right now...
...then starting Monday
it'll be on TV a lot.
- What do you wanna do?
- I think you should kill yourself.
A guy who used to work here
was being interviewed.
He said that Tom and Mark
were estranged, which isn't true.
Yeah?
This was upsetting to Tom.
He wanted the story dealt with.
He asked if I could talk to someone.
Does Danny have anything
to drink around here?
Danny's an alcoholic.
His girlfriend's bleeding
in the hospital...
...her daughter's born
two weeks early...
...Tom's brother was taken hostage
by the Taliban...
...and the star of one of his shows
just went on television...
...to declare his allegiance
to al Qaeda.
- He didn't keep anything for occasions?
- I declared my allegiance to al Qaeda?
"No wonder those guys wanna kill us.
I live here, and I want to kill us. "
- It got out of hand.
- Yeah, you think?
I was trying to help Tom
and deal with the story...
Yeah, about Tom and Mark
being estranged.
I asked Leon Cushman from the Post
to meet me in the alley.
- Why Cushman?
- He's a standup guy.
We have a relationship.
I told him the story wasn't true, and it was
upsetting Tom, and could he help me.
I answered a couple of questions, but
before I could get inside, they found us.
- Were they blocking the door?
- The press?
- Yeah.
- No.
- Why didn't you go back in?
- I tried...
- Why didn't you go back inside?
- Somebody shouted a question.
I answered it. And then somebody else
shouted a question.
I answered it.
I kept trying to get back, but...
They were blocking the door?
Why didn't you go back in?
Because then a guy asked me
if NBS leaked the story...
...to boost our West Coast overnights.
- And you lost it.
- Yeah.
All right. We're gonna draft
an apology right now.
- No.
- No what?
- I'm not gonna apologize.
- Oh, you know, man, it's 3 a. m.
- Don't go round and round with me.
- I'll stop if you will.
The place is surrounded by reporters.
I can start...
Don't call them reporters.
It's an insult to reporters.
I can start damage control now
before now turns into Monday.
- Well, go ahead.
- You'll read an apology?
No.
Simon, I don't think you understand
just how egregiously offensive...
I'm a pretty bright guy.
I think I have a full understanding
of my situation.
We'll draft an apology,
and you'll read it.
I don't care if you draft the Gettysburg
Address, I'm not reading anything.
Forget the hell that's about
to rain down on this network.
I'm standing here telling you
you're never gonna work again. Ever.
You and Michael Richards
can open a taco stand together.
- Jack?
- Yeah?
Fire me or shut the hell up.
He really doesn't keep anything
to drink here?
You found some.
Yeah.
Where?
In your dressing room.
- Do you need a minute?
- What?
Do you need a minute
to get yourself together?
- I'm together.
- Yeah.
- You don't feel suicidal?
- Why the hell would I feel suicidal?
You told the press you were feeling
suicidal and homicidal.
"No wonder they wanna kill us,
I wanna kill us. "
- You've calmed down?
- Yeah.
Now I only wanna kill you.
You can spar with me.
Before the sun comes up...
...you're gonna apologize.
- Wanna bet?
- Oh, sure.
- Yeah?
- Mm. My paycheck against yours.
- Oh.
I'm already not doing it.
Wanna incentivize me not to do it?
- I've got complete confidence in myself.
- And?
No confidence in you.
Have you seen who's out there?
The press that's out there?
- Yeah.
- The entertainment press.
The same ones who cover our wrap party
to see who Jeannie's going home with.
And somebody reports
that Mark Jeter is Tom's brother...
...that's when it became a big story.
- Yeah.
Without the ties to a Hollywood TV star,
just three guys who are gonna die.
- Yeah.
- This makes it user-friendly.
Hey, I oversee a network news division.
You think I don't know?
Would you agree that announcing
a captured airman...
...is the brother of a Hollywood TV star
put Mark's life in greater danger?
I did everything I could...
...to keep that off the air.
- Why?
It puts Mark's life in greater danger.
- So you would agree?
- I screamed at people. I begged them.
That must be like standing at the bottom
of Niagara Falls and begging it to go up.
It was.
They make the capture
of three U.S. Troops a show-biz story...
...and casually put the three of them
in greater danger...
...and then they ask me if we're
manipulating the story for our benefit?
There are some situations
that call for being impolite.
You said, "Fire me or shut up," right?
A few minutes ago?
- I did.
- Why do you think I haven't fired you?
- I really don't...
- Because I agree with you.
- Good.
- I understand.
- Good.
- Good. Now go out and apologize.
- You gotta be kidding.
- Not even a little.
- Why?
- Because we're doing it right this time.
Simon, we're doing it right this time.
When Matt and Danny had to leave
five years ago, I wasn't the bad guy.
I told them what I'm telling you now.
And that was over a relatively benign
sketch. All they had to do was apologize.
I'm glad you brought this up.
There is something
I've always wanted to tell you.
What?
You broke your word.
You made a deal with them,
and you broke your word...
...and that's why they lost their jobs
five years ago.
Mmm.
There's something I've always been meaning
to tell you. You're really very stupid.
I made a deal with them and they lost
their job because I kept my word.
Bobcat Willy and the Studio 60 Band,
give it up.
All right, welcome to the first
dress rehearsal of our first show...
...of the 2001-2002 season
of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.
Give yourselves a round of applause.
All right, who's a little worried
we might get blown up tonight?
And who's a little worried about my doing
jokes about getting blown up tonight?
Now, you may have read a few weeks ago
that our executive producer, Wes Mendell...
...had a small medical problem.
His heart stopped.
But they've got him up and running.
He's home...
...while the show is being produced
by Matt Albie...
...our senior writer,
and Daniel Tripp, our senior producer.
You could just say, "Matt, may I have
your attention for a moment?"
- Did you hear that?
- What?
Simon during the warm-up just now.
It was a pretty mixed reception
to a joke about getting blown up.
- An ice-breaker.
- Don't do the sketch.
It's just the dress.
You and Danny have done such a great job
running the show.
Thank you.
- Why take chances now?
- I'm not.
You are. Listen to me.
You got roughed up
when you stood up for Bill Maher...
...and now this?
- Now what?
The sketch.
If it makes you feel any better,
we have a deal with Jack.
- What deal?
- There will be ad reps at the dress.
If any of them object,
we'll cut it before it gets on the air.
If not, we'll put it on.
He gave us his word.
- Not good enough.
- I trust Jack.
I meant it's not good enough
to protect you.
Even if you just do it at dress,
word's gonna get out.
Oh.
Hit the end of the line. Drive to it.
You know what I'm talking about, right?
- Matt.
- The sketch isn't radioactive.
I believe that it is,
I believe you believe it is.
I appreciate you saving me
the trouble of thinking.
You all know Harriet Hayes, everybody.
The country is united right now.
It's a sketch about Hollywood executives
pitching patriotic movies to Karl Rove.
- It's not Reds.
- I want you to ask yourself something.
- What?
- Are you doing this to get back at me?
- Okay.
- Okay what?
I've asked myself,
and the answer came back...
...I don't know what you're talking about.
- Are you doing it to get back at me?
- No.
- No what?
- No, ma'am?
- Matt...
I'm doing this because the White House,
in the middle of a war...
...sent the second most powerful man
to Hollywood to pitch movie ideas.
- That's not what happened.
- I'm all for fighting a global war on terror.
I'm Jewish. I've wanted to kill Arabs
long before any of you.
Everything's gonna be fine tonight.
Uh, enjoy the dress rehearsal.
Willy, take us to the starting line.
Three, two, guys.
Look, ahem...
...I just don't think making Rambo Goes
to Jalalabad is gonna do the trick.
Neither will making fun of patriotism.
I don't care about that.
- That poses an interesting question.
- What?
- What do you care about?
- Right now?
You.
I want you to take over when Wes retires,
because that's what you want.
I don't think you're allowed to sleep
with Luke and care about what I want.
Whether I'm allowed to or not,
that's the way it is.
And the sketch is gonna get cut
after dress anyway, so don't do it.
- Harry.
- Matt.
Go do Holly Hunter.
I've turned some corner somewhere.
I'm actually starting to repel men
I'm trying to seduce.
What are you doing?
Cheering you up with a little Holly Hunter.
- Yeah?
- It's what I'm here for.
How is it no one's ever
hit you in the head?
I duck and weave, baby. Hello.
Doctor.
- Hey. You see the baby?
- Yeah.
- She's a beaut.
- I'll say. She's getting a bath now.
First of many.
Any change with Jordan?
No, not yet.
She's still bleeding?
It's as if she's a hemophiliac.
We need to get her to clot.
Aside from just hoping
that happens, what do we do...?
We're giving her blood transfusions.
You've got enough blood?
Sure.
And what else?
They're administering a clotting drug
called Novoximal-20.
It helps an overstressed body
remember how to clot.
- It hasn't been FDA approved...
- It hasn't been FDA approved?
- Not yet.
- They're using an experimental drug?
- It sounds worse than it is.
- We're gonna stop saying that now.
It sounds worse than it is.
- What's her classification?
- I'm sorry?
You classify patients.
Stable, serious...
- What's her...?
- They're definitions we use.
What's her classification?
Critical.
Okay. I'll call you. Okay, bye.
Any change?
No.
Jack's got Simon sequestered
in your office.
He's trying to beat a public apology
out of him.
Hm?
Nothing.
I'm gonna do a little Juliette Lewis
for a while.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Hey.
- Hey, I was just checking on Tom's parents.
- How are they?
- They're sleeping now.
The chaplain was in there.
How are you?
- Me?
- Yeah.
I'm fine. I've been in the same clothes
for 20 hours.
We've got a room in wardrobe storage
with sweats and T-shirts and stuff.
- Thanks.
- I appreciate you hanging around for this.
We're a full-service law firm.
Well, you're connected
to some pretty serious people.
Yeah, that's why I came to find you.
It's time?
- They have a way of moving forward.
- What is it?
No, that's what they say.
They have a way of moving forward.
These guys don't give out
a lot of information.
- They're not carpet cleaners.
- Okay. Well, I'll go get Jack, and...
Will you wait outside my office?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You look good there.
Yeah?
Yeah, nice backlighting.
Yeah.
You know, in 1993, Congress issued
an apology to native Hawaiians...
...on behalf of the United States...
...for the overthrow of the Kingdom
of Hawaii a hundred years earlier.
All was forgiven...
...and I have a house in Kauai.
All right. Fine, enough.
You'll do it?
Yes.
You'll read an apology?
To the people of Hawaii.
Can the people of Africa get one next or
are the Sioux Indians in line ahead of us?
You're gonna apologize, Simon.
I see.
Okay. Thank you.
That was Lieutenant Pierce.
Your parents are resting.
You can do the same if you want.
You can lie down on the couch.
In para-rescue school, I was awake
and alone for three straight nights...
...in the middle of New Mexico
trying to avoid capture by my instructors.
- How'd you do?
- I was awake when they captured me.
You're the least confidence-inspiring person
I've ever met.
- Who's the blond roaming the halls?
- She's a lawyer.
The show's getting sued for sexual
harassment and wrongful termination.
It's after 3 a. m.
What's she still doing here?
- I don't know.
- I bet you're about to find out.
Excuse me.
- Can I talk to you for a second?
- Yeah.
We've been waiting to tell you
till we understood more facts.
Waiting to tell me what?
Mary thinks her firm
can buy your brother back.
- Mary's firm represents a company called...
- Hang on.
Uh, in here.
Mary's firm represents a company
called Trask Security.
They do what's called K and R, Tom.
- Kidnap and ransom?
Yeah.
- It's big business in Latin America.
And they've opened a branch office
in Kandahar?
Kabul. They think they know where they are,
who's got them, how to get them back.
They think they know where they are?
- Are they telling somebody?
- What the guy...
...who was talking to our guy
in London said...
...was that any information they have,
they share with intelligence...
...which probably has it already.
- The guy talking to the guy...
How far are you from this?
I'm a sexual-harassment lawyer.
I'm not with the A-Team.
Trask Security gets back people
who have been kidnapped?
They negotiate a ransom and deliver it.
Who are they?
Former Special Ops,
Special Forces, CIA...
...locals...
- It's legal?
That's a complicated question.
Let's just say yes.
- Let's say yes?
- It's a legitimate company.
Then why doesn't
everybody use them?
Not a lot of people who get captured
have your brother's resources.
- What's their success rate?
About fifty-fifty.
What happens to the other 50?
Well, listen, I appreciate it,
but I don't want...
I don't want to do anything to interfere
with what the military might be doing.
- Sure.
- Yeah, we just wanted to tell you about it.
I appreciate it.
- Just out of curiosity, how much money...?
- Don't worry about that.
It would be millions, right?
NBS or TMG aren't gonna get involved...
Tom. We're saying
don't worry about that.
All right, thanks.
There any good vinyl shops in L. A?
- What?
- Vinyl. Records.
Any good record stores?
Yeah, it's Los Angeles.
We have record stores.
I'm not talking about CDs. Records.
I'm talking about records too.
We have stores.
I've been looking for a particular
recording that's hard to find.
- I don't care.
- It's Sinatra...
...singing "Moonlight in Vermont"...
...live with
the Nelson Riddle Orchestra, 1966.
What do you want?
Don't consider what they were
talking to you about.
How'd you know what
they were talking about?
See these bars on my shoulders?
Think I'm a doorman?
- They were just offering an alternative.
- Mm.
A few years back, a VIP and another guy
are kidnapped in Colombia.
They want $3 million for his release...
...and the insurance company
refuses to pay it.
A company that sells
kidnapping insurance?
More than one. The blond with the legs,
her law firm represents one of them.
What happened to the guy?
They killed the non-VIP,
then upped the ransom to 11 million.
The State Department
begged the company not to pay it.
They were negotiating a broader deal
with the government.
The company didn't care.
They wanted their man out.
Know what the going rate is today
to get a hostage out of Colombia?
- Eleven million dollars.
- That's right.
Tom, these guys are jihadists,
and they fund their jihad...
...by selling heroin to the hookers working
Sunset and by kidnapping people.
We don't give them a nickel.
Not now, not ever. You understand me?
- Yeah.
- Look at me.
- Do you understand me?
- Yes.
You don't know where I can find
a Sinatra recording?
- I don't think your jokes are funny.
- Yeah, you do.
- You're just not in the right mood.
- I can't imagine why not.
Hey, Superfly stepped in it, huh?
- Homeboy spit the bit.
- That's my fault. I sent him out there to...
Yeah, he went from zero to stupid
in 4.5 seconds.
- Dealing with the press isn't easy.
- I wouldn't know.
I've spent my adult life dealing with people
who are trying to kill me.
It's roughly the same principle.
He should apologize
before it gets out of hand.
- He's not gonna.
- He should.
- He's not gonna.
- Why?
Because like the song goes:
"This is all just a little bit
of history repeating. "
Hey, thank you, you are a terrific
dress-rehearsal audience.
Go home, turn on the TV,
watch the real thing, okay?
How about a nice hand
for Sheryl Crow. Come on.
Nice dress. Nice dress.
Jeannie, drive to the end of the line.
- I'll get it tonight.
- Thanks.
- Ow. Hey.
- Don't be a yutz. Cut the sketch.
Guess what, two national ad reps, the
head of sales and affiliates relations...
...didn't say a word about it.
They didn't have a problem.
- Do you know what a way-homer is?
- Of course...
It's a joke that you get
on the way home.
This is the opposite. It's a joke you
realize wasn't funny on the way home.
Once they're on their way home,
they're out of my jurisdiction.
So why don't you get some dinner?
I was on the floor during the sketch.
It was uncomfortable laughter,
I could tell.
- I'm gonna sharpen it.
- It doesn't need sharpening.
It needs to be cut.
People want and deserve to feel patriotic
right now, and making fun of them...
For the ninth time,
I'm not making fun of patriotism.
I'm making fun of car decals
passing for patriotism.
The way I make fun
of diamond-encrusted crucifixes...
...from Harry Winston
passing for faith.
You wanna mock me, mock me.
I can't end your career.
They can and they will.
That sketch is a ticking bomb
and it will go off on Monday.
You know...
...I remember a few days after
the megaphone thing at ground zero...
...at the Writers Guild, people were talking
about what a seminal moment that was...
...and while people were saying
what a great leader he had become...
...I was thinking, "What I saw was a guy
getting an alley-oop pass from a heckler. "
A guy off camera shouted,
"We can't hear you"...
...and Bush shouted back,
"I can hear you.
Soon the people who knocked down
these towers will hear all of us. "
Not a bad comeback, but it didn't strike me
as a St. Crispin's Day speech or anything.
I didn't say anything
because I was scared.
And I've been scared for five weeks,
and that's too long for a grown man...
...so why don't you just go to dinner?
- No.
I'm talking to Danny. Where is he?
Danny?
Oh, my God.
Oh, no. That was from
a motorcycle accident.
A guy took his arm off
going through Laurel Canyon.
- We stopped the hemorrhaging.
- With the motorcycle guy?
Jordan. We stopped the hemorrhaging.
Novoximal-20 worked.
- Yes.
- Oh, thank God.
- No, wait.
- What?
- She developed a complication.
- What...? We just went through...
- It's a postop infection, we think.
- You think?
She has a high fever
and a rapid heartbeat, and with the DIC...
...that indicates that she probably
has a bacterial infection.
It should become resolved by giving her
IV antibiotics, which we're doing now...
...but it could become worse.
- How much worse?
- She could go into shock.
And then what?
Her organs could shut down.
- What are the chances?
- We don't handicap those...
- What are the chances?
- Let's let the antibiotics...
What are the chances?
About 25 percent.
- I have to go see her.
- You can't go near her.
If you've got a cough or a cold...
How does it happen that she comes
into a hospital and gets sicker?
She's young and healthy,
and she's gonna be fine.
- But you don't handicap these things.
- I just did.
Now go be with the baby.
I'll be back when there's an update.
I'll give you two choices.
I can do more Holly Hunter...
Or?
I can teach you how to pray.
- Teach me.
- God always wins.
No, it's just your Holly Hunter
is unbearable.
Whatever. Let's go find the chapel.
I need you.
Jack, my whole life, I've been waiting
to hear those words from you.
Say them again. As if you...
- Shut up.
- All right.
By the way, Jordan's developed
a postop infection.
I know. How do you walk into a hospital
and then get sick?
She's in a building full of people
with diseases. Go figure.
- What do you need me for, Jack?
- Tell Simon you want him to apologize.
- We got bigger fish to fry.
- No.
We got a lot of fish to fry
and this is one of.
And it's a big fish, it's a fish that's
gonna... Yeah, I don't wanna do fish anymore.
- Settle down.
- I've got upfronts next week.
Ninety percent of television advertising
time's gonna be sold next week.
Nine billion dollars
is gonna change hands next week.
None of it into mine if my network
employs a terrorist sympathizer.
- You think Simon's a terrorist sympathizer?
- Yeah, that's what I think.
- Come on. Help me out, would you?
- He said...
He said, "No wonder they wanna kill us,
I wanna kill us. "
He was under enormous strain,
he wasn't prepared...
...he was provoked, and people
say things they don't mean.
Add "I'm sorry,"
you've got a statement he could read.
- That's up to him.
- Well, forget the ad upfronts, man.
I won't be able to keep him on the air.
People aren't gonna care that much
that he said he wants to kill the press.
People won't care if he kills the press.
It's interpreted as wanting to kill America.
That's just because it's more fun
to interpret it that way.
- That's right.
- Matt...
...five years ago, two words from you,
you could've saved your job. "I'm sorry. "
No, two words from you
and I could've saved my job.
- Hey, hey.
- You know what they are?
- "Screw yourselves. "
- Listen...
"I'm the chairman of NBS.
These are my guys.
You're all a bunch
of hysterical reactionaries...
...and I think you should go
screw yourselves. "
Well, that was
more than two words.
- Anything else?
- I never broke my promise.
- Anything else, Jack?
- I never broke the promise.
Danny, Matt.
I'm Matt, he's Danny.
Come on in.
What'd you hear from Wes today?
They're giving him...
...a blood-pressure-lowering
medication called Liovan.
And the doctors
are keeping him in bed.
- It's your show again for a week.
- It's his show. We're just running it.
There's an AM radio station in Phoenix,
KRAC Talk Radio.
Their morning drive-time hosts
are Mike and Marvin. This is this morning.
I'm waiting for the big one.
I am praying for the big one.
One big earthquake right at the...
What's...? What's it...? The...?
The San Andreas Fault.
San Andreas Fault.
Just lop off all of Southern California
right into the Pacific. We don't need it.
Friends, I don't know
how many of you out there...
...watch Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.
I know I don't.
It's a late-night humor show
from the folks at NBS.
Well, I wouldn't call it humor.
It's what passes for humor in Hollywood.
Well, Friday night on their program...
...they took the word "disgusting"
to a brand-new level.
This doesn't sound like
a good review.
You can call it disgusting.
I'm gonna call it repulsive.
- No, I was wrong, there's a pull-quote.
- Shut up.
Friends, on the program Friday night...
...these junior varsity liberal punks
performed a sketch...
...in which our nation's desire
to be unified shoulder to shoulder...
...behind our president
was mocked as a silly thing.
What are we getting at?
They wanna make sure Washington
isn't using scare tactics...
...that impinge on their right
to make this drivel.
I got news for you, it ain't Washington
that's using scare tactics.
It's the terrorists, so stop whining
with your smug little jokes.
It's a local station.
I'm still not understanding the point of...
Now, the writer of this sketch
was Matthew Albie. That's A-L-B-I-E.
And Mr. Albie, you are
the latest addition to our FOO list.
- FOO list?
- Wait for it.
Friend of Osama.
I'm a friend of Osama
We go to Dance-o-Rama
We got evil karma
Our cave will be bomb-a
By the U.S.A.
- Now, please, keep listening.
- He wrote and recorded a treason jingle?
I gotta hear this again.
Matthew Albie also came out
and publicly supported Mr. Bill Maher...
...when Mr. Bill Maher said that
the terrorists weren't cowards.
- Our guys were cowards.
- That's not what he said.
- Hang on.
That's not what we said.
Hang on.
- I still don't understand why...
Because of this.
Wanna send a message
to the latte-drinking liberals...
...that Clinton time is over? You buy no
products that are advertised on Studio 60...
...and I'm gonna give you a list of their
sponsors. Let's go. Sears, Wal-Mart...
Hey, come on, it's conservative talk radio
in one market. They're in Phoenix.
They're syndicated in 11 other cities.
Houston, Dallas, Brownsville...
...El Paso, Denver. Sales is very concerned,
the ad reps are calling. We got a problem...
Sales was at the dress.
So were national ad reps.
- They didn't have a problem then.
- They got one now.
Because these guys have a problem?
Because their customers
have a problem.
They're getting calls and e-mails,
they wanna nip it in the bud.
- How?
- Some kind of apology.
I'm sorry.
- Not to me.
- I'm sorry, an apology will not be coming.
- Why's that?
- Because unless it's with my mom...
...or my girlfriend, when I say I'm sorry,
I mean it.
You don't have a girlfriend now,
so fake it.
- How do you know I don't?
- I know everything, Danny.
- I'm Matt.
- He knows.
I do, and I also know what's gonna happen
if you don't apologize.
- You'll fire me.
- No, I'll fire him.
What did he do?
He was next to you when you said
you wouldn't apologize.
See how this is gonna work?
- You must know the song.
- I do know the song.
This is Captain Boyle.
Mm-hm.
Do you have my code? Call me right back
on the secure phone.
What's going on?
Tango-Nevada-Echo-Echo-Bravo.
- When?
- What's going on?
What do you think,
I've got about five minutes?
All right, copy that, I'm here.
- All right, Tom, listen to me now.
- What?
In about five minutes, Aljazeera's
gonna report that they've executed...
...Airman Valdez. They'll probably
show tape of the dead body.
Listen to me. They're lying.
They haven't killed anybody.
They'll show a guy they killed months ago.
- How do you know?
- I'm not new at this.
We're giving them the money.
I'm getting the lawyer back.
- They're lying.
- You don't know that.
- Wait for verificat...
- I'm not waiting.
This is what terrorism is.
This is what they want.
Face some facts, would you? It works.
Get down on your knees.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Why?
- Respect.
See, this is my first speed bump.
If I were God,
I wouldn't have any ego problems.
I wouldn't need,
"Oh, Lord, creator of the universe...
...most powerful and merciful
and handsome of all the deities. "
There's a baby that's two weeks premature,
her mom can't stop bleeding...
...my friend and employee's brother is being
held prisoner by medieval heroin dealers.
If he needs 10 minutes of sucking up
before he'll fix this...
...I don't wanna work with him.
- The kneeling is for you.
How's it for me?
It takes the average person in America
60 years to make what you make in a year.
It takes the average person
in the world 60 lifetimes...
...to earn what you earn in a year.
You have choices.
Same is true for me.
And the one thing that isn't handed
to you on a silver platter is humility.
So I like to begin each day on my knees
and end each day on my knees.
If he's everything you say,
I shouldn't have to audition.
- It's not an audition.
- Lf he's real...
- He is.
- And he loves me...
- He does.
- Why not just fix it?
I don't know.
And I'm hoping it's gonna be a long, long
time before you get to ask him yourself.
Get on your knees.
I wasn't handed anything
on a platter.
I'm who I am because my parents
gave me opportunities.
I'm who I am because I worked hard
and got good grades.
I got what I got
because I went after a non-paying...
...entry-level television internship
and proved myself.
I got what I got because I took action.
- Are you a surgeon or a hematologist?
- No.
Then what action can you take now?
I'm sorry. It feels wrong
to be in this room.
This isn't the time, but he
made some reasonably good points.
How about this?
"A few hours ago...
...I made a very irresponsible
and offensive statement to the press.
I don't in any way sympathize with... "
You're kidding me, right?
No.
You contribute money
to the Democratic Party?
Uh, I've contributed money
to lots of things.
- Including Democrats?
- Yes.
I'll go out there and say that I don't
sympathize with terrorists...
...if you say you don't either.
Simon, I didn't just go in front
of television cameras...
No, I'm sorry, Jack,
I heard the president say:
"Either you're with us or you're
against us. " Unless you're Saudi Arabia.
And if you gave money to Democrats,
you're not with us.
All right, all right, all right.
And what kind of name is Rudolph?
Is it German or is it Jewish?
And you're getting a divorce...
...so does that mean you don't have
family values or does it mean you're gay?
Answer those things
for me and the audience...
...and I'll go out there with you
and say whatever you want.
Is this how it happened
with Matt and Danny?
How about instead of issuing
an apology...
...release a statement saying that Studio 60
and NBS aren't interested in commenting...
...on the fabricated crisis
ginned up by a guy who...
- And I still can't get over this.
- Matt...
- wrote a radio song
called "Friends of Osama. "
Jack, is it possible...?
This guy wants California
to drop into the ocean.
Considering there are more Americans
here than any other state...
...I think that's unpatriotic,
and I'd like an apology.
Is it possible that we're responding to
a worst-case scenario before it's happened?
Absolutely. One of my jobs
is to recognize things...
...before they become
as bad as they can get.
- The ad reps were on the floor...
- I understand that, Danny...
...and I kept my promise,
but now we have a problem...
...as, frankly, I predicted we would.
- We don't have a problem.
The sketch was taken out of context
to make the exact opposite point...
...that was intended by people
who never watched to begin with.
Okay, hang on. Stop, everybody.
It's not even our show.
We're substitute showrunners
for a couple of weeks.
And you won't treat the property
you do not own recklessly.
- We're not treating it...
- Jack, he's right.
We showed it to the ad reps.
No one who would be offended
by this show watches Studio 60.
They watch other shows
on this network, except not anymore...
...because watching NBS will be unpatriotic
and people wanna feel patriotic.
- By watching television?
- By doing whatever the hell...
Guys, I can't spend all day on this.
At a time when the whole country
is completely in line...
...including the two of us...
...how is it possible that people are so
offended by a thoroughly benign sketch?
Is true patriotism that fragile that it can
be threatened by a late-night comedy show?
Excellent point.
One that's worthy of an exceptionally
enlightened 7th-grade social-studies class.
You're gonna apologize
or you're fired.
- Whoa.
- First of all, you can't fire us.
You can fire Wes and Wes can fire us.
- Stacey.
- Let's lower the temperature a bit...
...so that we can...
Get me Wes Mendell, please.
Let's see what happens now.
Jack?
Jack.
- Uh, no.
- No what?
No, that's not how it happened
to Matt and Danny.
Please don't go anywhere.
- Mary's coming in.
- Let's wait for...
I'm here.
Who are you?
Mary Tate.
- You look different.
- She was sleeping.
I was sleeping.
I looked a lot better
when the day started. What's happened?
Aljazeera will say Valdez was executed.
They've got film. Boyle doesn't believe it.
He says it's footage
of a guy who...
- Old footage.
- Is he committing to anything right now?
- No.
- What's it take to get it started?
Tom gets on the phone
with our office in London.
They put you through
a proof-of-identity process.
- Can we skip that part?
No.
Then they'll quote a price that includes
their services and buyout fee.
- How much is that?
- Don't worry.
- How much is it?
- They ask for a million-dollar deposit.
- I don't have a million.
- I do.
- I can't ask you to do that.
- You can't ask us not to.
Can I make a transfer
from out of the country?
- I'm not committing to anything.
- No.
I'm gonna talk to my parents...
...and then I'll come back
and we'll get the ID process started.
- I'm gonna get to a phone.
With who?
Any bank that's open.
Why are you holding your shoes?
I guess I was gonna put them on.
- You speak to Danny?
- Yeah.
A few minutes ago.
They got her on an IV antibiotic...
About the baby.
Mary, I'm not gonna...
What do you want me to...?
He can go in with papers.
He can go into Jordan's room with legal
papers, she can make him the guardian.
- I can't suggest...
- You have to.
It's insensitive, it's ghoulish.
And she's a friend of mine too.
- I wish you wouldn't talk...
- This isn't the time to be polite.
Danny's looking at his daughter right now,
only she's not his daughter if Jordan dies.
- Well, she's not gonna.
- She's in the ICU, Matt.
He could lose his fianc?e
and his daughter in one night...
...and that's preventable.
Do you know
how to draft the papers?
She went into shock?
- We closed her up, but DIC developed...
...which is a scary way of saying
that she won't clot.
It worked. I'm scared.
About 20 minutes ago,
we found out that Tom's brother...
...was one of three airmen
captured on a road out of Kandahar.
A company you've never heard of
called Trask Security...
...are well-connected
in the Near East.
- They deal with the locals.
- How?
They bring money
and they get the guy back.
How about I do my job
and bust you in your head?
You guys like making this entertainment?
Come on. It's the Sunset Strip.
No comment.
Why don't you two wait out here?
Well...
- You've got a guard out there?
- Uh, yeah.
- In case I try to escape?
- The guard's here to protect you.
- From what?
- Sadly for you, not me.
- Sir...
- "No wonder those guys wanna kill us.
I live here, and I wanna kill us. "
That's what you said, right, Simon?
- I honestly don't remember what I said.
- You don't have to.
It was on TV. It's still on TV.
And unless we do something now,
I mean right now...
...then starting Monday
it'll be on TV a lot.
- What do you wanna do?
- I think you should kill yourself.
A guy who used to work here
was being interviewed.
He said that Tom and Mark
were estranged, which isn't true.
Yeah?
This was upsetting to Tom.
He wanted the story dealt with.
He asked if I could talk to someone.
Does Danny have anything
to drink around here?
Danny's an alcoholic.
His girlfriend's bleeding
in the hospital...
...her daughter's born
two weeks early...
...Tom's brother was taken hostage
by the Taliban...
...and the star of one of his shows
just went on television...
...to declare his allegiance
to al Qaeda.
- He didn't keep anything for occasions?
- I declared my allegiance to al Qaeda?
"No wonder those guys wanna kill us.
I live here, and I want to kill us. "
- It got out of hand.
- Yeah, you think?
I was trying to help Tom
and deal with the story...
Yeah, about Tom and Mark
being estranged.
I asked Leon Cushman from the Post
to meet me in the alley.
- Why Cushman?
- He's a standup guy.
We have a relationship.
I told him the story wasn't true, and it was
upsetting Tom, and could he help me.
I answered a couple of questions, but
before I could get inside, they found us.
- Were they blocking the door?
- The press?
- Yeah.
- No.
- Why didn't you go back in?
- I tried...
- Why didn't you go back inside?
- Somebody shouted a question.
I answered it. And then somebody else
shouted a question.
I answered it.
I kept trying to get back, but...
They were blocking the door?
Why didn't you go back in?
Because then a guy asked me
if NBS leaked the story...
...to boost our West Coast overnights.
- And you lost it.
- Yeah.
All right. We're gonna draft
an apology right now.
- No.
- No what?
- I'm not gonna apologize.
- Oh, you know, man, it's 3 a. m.
- Don't go round and round with me.
- I'll stop if you will.
The place is surrounded by reporters.
I can start...
Don't call them reporters.
It's an insult to reporters.
I can start damage control now
before now turns into Monday.
- Well, go ahead.
- You'll read an apology?
No.
Simon, I don't think you understand
just how egregiously offensive...
I'm a pretty bright guy.
I think I have a full understanding
of my situation.
We'll draft an apology,
and you'll read it.
I don't care if you draft the Gettysburg
Address, I'm not reading anything.
Forget the hell that's about
to rain down on this network.
I'm standing here telling you
you're never gonna work again. Ever.
You and Michael Richards
can open a taco stand together.
- Jack?
- Yeah?
Fire me or shut the hell up.
He really doesn't keep anything
to drink here?
You found some.
Yeah.
Where?
In your dressing room.
- Do you need a minute?
- What?
Do you need a minute
to get yourself together?
- I'm together.
- Yeah.
- You don't feel suicidal?
- Why the hell would I feel suicidal?
You told the press you were feeling
suicidal and homicidal.
"No wonder they wanna kill us,
I wanna kill us. "
- You've calmed down?
- Yeah.
Now I only wanna kill you.
You can spar with me.
Before the sun comes up...
...you're gonna apologize.
- Wanna bet?
- Oh, sure.
- Yeah?
- Mm. My paycheck against yours.
- Oh.
I'm already not doing it.
Wanna incentivize me not to do it?
- I've got complete confidence in myself.
- And?
No confidence in you.
Have you seen who's out there?
The press that's out there?
- Yeah.
- The entertainment press.
The same ones who cover our wrap party
to see who Jeannie's going home with.
And somebody reports
that Mark Jeter is Tom's brother...
...that's when it became a big story.
- Yeah.
Without the ties to a Hollywood TV star,
just three guys who are gonna die.
- Yeah.
- This makes it user-friendly.
Hey, I oversee a network news division.
You think I don't know?
Would you agree that announcing
a captured airman...
...is the brother of a Hollywood TV star
put Mark's life in greater danger?
I did everything I could...
...to keep that off the air.
- Why?
It puts Mark's life in greater danger.
- So you would agree?
- I screamed at people. I begged them.
That must be like standing at the bottom
of Niagara Falls and begging it to go up.
It was.
They make the capture
of three U.S. Troops a show-biz story...
...and casually put the three of them
in greater danger...
...and then they ask me if we're
manipulating the story for our benefit?
There are some situations
that call for being impolite.
You said, "Fire me or shut up," right?
A few minutes ago?
- I did.
- Why do you think I haven't fired you?
- I really don't...
- Because I agree with you.
- Good.
- I understand.
- Good.
- Good. Now go out and apologize.
- You gotta be kidding.
- Not even a little.
- Why?
- Because we're doing it right this time.
Simon, we're doing it right this time.
When Matt and Danny had to leave
five years ago, I wasn't the bad guy.
I told them what I'm telling you now.
And that was over a relatively benign
sketch. All they had to do was apologize.
I'm glad you brought this up.
There is something
I've always wanted to tell you.
What?
You broke your word.
You made a deal with them,
and you broke your word...
...and that's why they lost their jobs
five years ago.
Mmm.
There's something I've always been meaning
to tell you. You're really very stupid.
I made a deal with them and they lost
their job because I kept my word.
Bobcat Willy and the Studio 60 Band,
give it up.
All right, welcome to the first
dress rehearsal of our first show...
...of the 2001-2002 season
of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.
Give yourselves a round of applause.
All right, who's a little worried
we might get blown up tonight?
And who's a little worried about my doing
jokes about getting blown up tonight?
Now, you may have read a few weeks ago
that our executive producer, Wes Mendell...
...had a small medical problem.
His heart stopped.
But they've got him up and running.
He's home...
...while the show is being produced
by Matt Albie...
...our senior writer,
and Daniel Tripp, our senior producer.
You could just say, "Matt, may I have
your attention for a moment?"
- Did you hear that?
- What?
Simon during the warm-up just now.
It was a pretty mixed reception
to a joke about getting blown up.
- An ice-breaker.
- Don't do the sketch.
It's just the dress.
You and Danny have done such a great job
running the show.
Thank you.
- Why take chances now?
- I'm not.
You are. Listen to me.
You got roughed up
when you stood up for Bill Maher...
...and now this?
- Now what?
The sketch.
If it makes you feel any better,
we have a deal with Jack.
- What deal?
- There will be ad reps at the dress.
If any of them object,
we'll cut it before it gets on the air.
If not, we'll put it on.
He gave us his word.
- Not good enough.
- I trust Jack.
I meant it's not good enough
to protect you.
Even if you just do it at dress,
word's gonna get out.
Oh.
Hit the end of the line. Drive to it.
You know what I'm talking about, right?
- Matt.
- The sketch isn't radioactive.
I believe that it is,
I believe you believe it is.
I appreciate you saving me
the trouble of thinking.
You all know Harriet Hayes, everybody.
The country is united right now.
It's a sketch about Hollywood executives
pitching patriotic movies to Karl Rove.
- It's not Reds.
- I want you to ask yourself something.
- What?
- Are you doing this to get back at me?
- Okay.
- Okay what?
I've asked myself,
and the answer came back...
...I don't know what you're talking about.
- Are you doing it to get back at me?
- No.
- No what?
- No, ma'am?
- Matt...
I'm doing this because the White House,
in the middle of a war...
...sent the second most powerful man
to Hollywood to pitch movie ideas.
- That's not what happened.
- I'm all for fighting a global war on terror.
I'm Jewish. I've wanted to kill Arabs
long before any of you.
Everything's gonna be fine tonight.
Uh, enjoy the dress rehearsal.
Willy, take us to the starting line.
Three, two, guys.
Look, ahem...
...I just don't think making Rambo Goes
to Jalalabad is gonna do the trick.
Neither will making fun of patriotism.
I don't care about that.
- That poses an interesting question.
- What?
- What do you care about?
- Right now?
You.
I want you to take over when Wes retires,
because that's what you want.
I don't think you're allowed to sleep
with Luke and care about what I want.
Whether I'm allowed to or not,
that's the way it is.
And the sketch is gonna get cut
after dress anyway, so don't do it.
- Harry.
- Matt.
Go do Holly Hunter.
I've turned some corner somewhere.
I'm actually starting to repel men
I'm trying to seduce.
What are you doing?
Cheering you up with a little Holly Hunter.
- Yeah?
- It's what I'm here for.
How is it no one's ever
hit you in the head?
I duck and weave, baby. Hello.
Doctor.
- Hey. You see the baby?
- Yeah.
- She's a beaut.
- I'll say. She's getting a bath now.
First of many.
Any change with Jordan?
No, not yet.
She's still bleeding?
It's as if she's a hemophiliac.
We need to get her to clot.
Aside from just hoping
that happens, what do we do...?
We're giving her blood transfusions.
You've got enough blood?
Sure.
And what else?
They're administering a clotting drug
called Novoximal-20.
It helps an overstressed body
remember how to clot.
- It hasn't been FDA approved...
- It hasn't been FDA approved?
- Not yet.
- They're using an experimental drug?
- It sounds worse than it is.
- We're gonna stop saying that now.
It sounds worse than it is.
- What's her classification?
- I'm sorry?
You classify patients.
Stable, serious...
- What's her...?
- They're definitions we use.
What's her classification?
Critical.
Okay. I'll call you. Okay, bye.
Any change?
No.
Jack's got Simon sequestered
in your office.
He's trying to beat a public apology
out of him.
Hm?
Nothing.
I'm gonna do a little Juliette Lewis
for a while.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Hey.
- Hey, I was just checking on Tom's parents.
- How are they?
- They're sleeping now.
The chaplain was in there.
How are you?
- Me?
- Yeah.
I'm fine. I've been in the same clothes
for 20 hours.
We've got a room in wardrobe storage
with sweats and T-shirts and stuff.
- Thanks.
- I appreciate you hanging around for this.
We're a full-service law firm.
Well, you're connected
to some pretty serious people.
Yeah, that's why I came to find you.
It's time?
- They have a way of moving forward.
- What is it?
No, that's what they say.
They have a way of moving forward.
These guys don't give out
a lot of information.
- They're not carpet cleaners.
- Okay. Well, I'll go get Jack, and...
Will you wait outside my office?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You look good there.
Yeah?
Yeah, nice backlighting.
Yeah.
You know, in 1993, Congress issued
an apology to native Hawaiians...
...on behalf of the United States...
...for the overthrow of the Kingdom
of Hawaii a hundred years earlier.
All was forgiven...
...and I have a house in Kauai.
All right. Fine, enough.
You'll do it?
Yes.
You'll read an apology?
To the people of Hawaii.
Can the people of Africa get one next or
are the Sioux Indians in line ahead of us?
You're gonna apologize, Simon.
I see.
Okay. Thank you.
That was Lieutenant Pierce.
Your parents are resting.
You can do the same if you want.
You can lie down on the couch.
In para-rescue school, I was awake
and alone for three straight nights...
...in the middle of New Mexico
trying to avoid capture by my instructors.
- How'd you do?
- I was awake when they captured me.
You're the least confidence-inspiring person
I've ever met.
- Who's the blond roaming the halls?
- She's a lawyer.
The show's getting sued for sexual
harassment and wrongful termination.
It's after 3 a. m.
What's she still doing here?
- I don't know.
- I bet you're about to find out.
Excuse me.
- Can I talk to you for a second?
- Yeah.
We've been waiting to tell you
till we understood more facts.
Waiting to tell me what?
Mary thinks her firm
can buy your brother back.
- Mary's firm represents a company called...
- Hang on.
Uh, in here.
Mary's firm represents a company
called Trask Security.
They do what's called K and R, Tom.
- Kidnap and ransom?
Yeah.
- It's big business in Latin America.
And they've opened a branch office
in Kandahar?
Kabul. They think they know where they are,
who's got them, how to get them back.
They think they know where they are?
- Are they telling somebody?
- What the guy...
...who was talking to our guy
in London said...
...was that any information they have,
they share with intelligence...
...which probably has it already.
- The guy talking to the guy...
How far are you from this?
I'm a sexual-harassment lawyer.
I'm not with the A-Team.
Trask Security gets back people
who have been kidnapped?
They negotiate a ransom and deliver it.
Who are they?
Former Special Ops,
Special Forces, CIA...
...locals...
- It's legal?
That's a complicated question.
Let's just say yes.
- Let's say yes?
- It's a legitimate company.
Then why doesn't
everybody use them?
Not a lot of people who get captured
have your brother's resources.
- What's their success rate?
About fifty-fifty.
What happens to the other 50?
Well, listen, I appreciate it,
but I don't want...
I don't want to do anything to interfere
with what the military might be doing.
- Sure.
- Yeah, we just wanted to tell you about it.
I appreciate it.
- Just out of curiosity, how much money...?
- Don't worry about that.
It would be millions, right?
NBS or TMG aren't gonna get involved...
Tom. We're saying
don't worry about that.
All right, thanks.
There any good vinyl shops in L. A?
- What?
- Vinyl. Records.
Any good record stores?
Yeah, it's Los Angeles.
We have record stores.
I'm not talking about CDs. Records.
I'm talking about records too.
We have stores.
I've been looking for a particular
recording that's hard to find.
- I don't care.
- It's Sinatra...
...singing "Moonlight in Vermont"...
...live with
the Nelson Riddle Orchestra, 1966.
What do you want?
Don't consider what they were
talking to you about.
How'd you know what
they were talking about?
See these bars on my shoulders?
Think I'm a doorman?
- They were just offering an alternative.
- Mm.
A few years back, a VIP and another guy
are kidnapped in Colombia.
They want $3 million for his release...
...and the insurance company
refuses to pay it.
A company that sells
kidnapping insurance?
More than one. The blond with the legs,
her law firm represents one of them.
What happened to the guy?
They killed the non-VIP,
then upped the ransom to 11 million.
The State Department
begged the company not to pay it.
They were negotiating a broader deal
with the government.
The company didn't care.
They wanted their man out.
Know what the going rate is today
to get a hostage out of Colombia?
- Eleven million dollars.
- That's right.
Tom, these guys are jihadists,
and they fund their jihad...
...by selling heroin to the hookers working
Sunset and by kidnapping people.
We don't give them a nickel.
Not now, not ever. You understand me?
- Yeah.
- Look at me.
- Do you understand me?
- Yes.
You don't know where I can find
a Sinatra recording?
- I don't think your jokes are funny.
- Yeah, you do.
- You're just not in the right mood.
- I can't imagine why not.
Hey, Superfly stepped in it, huh?
- Homeboy spit the bit.
- That's my fault. I sent him out there to...
Yeah, he went from zero to stupid
in 4.5 seconds.
- Dealing with the press isn't easy.
- I wouldn't know.
I've spent my adult life dealing with people
who are trying to kill me.
It's roughly the same principle.
He should apologize
before it gets out of hand.
- He's not gonna.
- He should.
- He's not gonna.
- Why?
Because like the song goes:
"This is all just a little bit
of history repeating. "
Hey, thank you, you are a terrific
dress-rehearsal audience.
Go home, turn on the TV,
watch the real thing, okay?
How about a nice hand
for Sheryl Crow. Come on.
Nice dress. Nice dress.
Jeannie, drive to the end of the line.
- I'll get it tonight.
- Thanks.
- Ow. Hey.
- Don't be a yutz. Cut the sketch.
Guess what, two national ad reps, the
head of sales and affiliates relations...
...didn't say a word about it.
They didn't have a problem.
- Do you know what a way-homer is?
- Of course...
It's a joke that you get
on the way home.
This is the opposite. It's a joke you
realize wasn't funny on the way home.
Once they're on their way home,
they're out of my jurisdiction.
So why don't you get some dinner?
I was on the floor during the sketch.
It was uncomfortable laughter,
I could tell.
- I'm gonna sharpen it.
- It doesn't need sharpening.
It needs to be cut.
People want and deserve to feel patriotic
right now, and making fun of them...
For the ninth time,
I'm not making fun of patriotism.
I'm making fun of car decals
passing for patriotism.
The way I make fun
of diamond-encrusted crucifixes...
...from Harry Winston
passing for faith.
You wanna mock me, mock me.
I can't end your career.
They can and they will.
That sketch is a ticking bomb
and it will go off on Monday.
You know...
...I remember a few days after
the megaphone thing at ground zero...
...at the Writers Guild, people were talking
about what a seminal moment that was...
...and while people were saying
what a great leader he had become...
...I was thinking, "What I saw was a guy
getting an alley-oop pass from a heckler. "
A guy off camera shouted,
"We can't hear you"...
...and Bush shouted back,
"I can hear you.
Soon the people who knocked down
these towers will hear all of us. "
Not a bad comeback, but it didn't strike me
as a St. Crispin's Day speech or anything.
I didn't say anything
because I was scared.
And I've been scared for five weeks,
and that's too long for a grown man...
...so why don't you just go to dinner?
- No.
I'm talking to Danny. Where is he?
Danny?
Oh, my God.
Oh, no. That was from
a motorcycle accident.
A guy took his arm off
going through Laurel Canyon.
- We stopped the hemorrhaging.
- With the motorcycle guy?
Jordan. We stopped the hemorrhaging.
Novoximal-20 worked.
- Yes.
- Oh, thank God.
- No, wait.
- What?
- She developed a complication.
- What...? We just went through...
- It's a postop infection, we think.
- You think?
She has a high fever
and a rapid heartbeat, and with the DIC...
...that indicates that she probably
has a bacterial infection.
It should become resolved by giving her
IV antibiotics, which we're doing now...
...but it could become worse.
- How much worse?
- She could go into shock.
And then what?
Her organs could shut down.
- What are the chances?
- We don't handicap those...
- What are the chances?
- Let's let the antibiotics...
What are the chances?
About 25 percent.
- I have to go see her.
- You can't go near her.
If you've got a cough or a cold...
How does it happen that she comes
into a hospital and gets sicker?
She's young and healthy,
and she's gonna be fine.
- But you don't handicap these things.
- I just did.
Now go be with the baby.
I'll be back when there's an update.
I'll give you two choices.
I can do more Holly Hunter...
Or?
I can teach you how to pray.
- Teach me.
- God always wins.
No, it's just your Holly Hunter
is unbearable.
Whatever. Let's go find the chapel.
I need you.
Jack, my whole life, I've been waiting
to hear those words from you.
Say them again. As if you...
- Shut up.
- All right.
By the way, Jordan's developed
a postop infection.
I know. How do you walk into a hospital
and then get sick?
She's in a building full of people
with diseases. Go figure.
- What do you need me for, Jack?
- Tell Simon you want him to apologize.
- We got bigger fish to fry.
- No.
We got a lot of fish to fry
and this is one of.
And it's a big fish, it's a fish that's
gonna... Yeah, I don't wanna do fish anymore.
- Settle down.
- I've got upfronts next week.
Ninety percent of television advertising
time's gonna be sold next week.
Nine billion dollars
is gonna change hands next week.
None of it into mine if my network
employs a terrorist sympathizer.
- You think Simon's a terrorist sympathizer?
- Yeah, that's what I think.
- Come on. Help me out, would you?
- He said...
He said, "No wonder they wanna kill us,
I wanna kill us. "
He was under enormous strain,
he wasn't prepared...
...he was provoked, and people
say things they don't mean.
Add "I'm sorry,"
you've got a statement he could read.
- That's up to him.
- Well, forget the ad upfronts, man.
I won't be able to keep him on the air.
People aren't gonna care that much
that he said he wants to kill the press.
People won't care if he kills the press.
It's interpreted as wanting to kill America.
That's just because it's more fun
to interpret it that way.
- That's right.
- Matt...
...five years ago, two words from you,
you could've saved your job. "I'm sorry. "
No, two words from you
and I could've saved my job.
- Hey, hey.
- You know what they are?
- "Screw yourselves. "
- Listen...
"I'm the chairman of NBS.
These are my guys.
You're all a bunch
of hysterical reactionaries...
...and I think you should go
screw yourselves. "
Well, that was
more than two words.
- Anything else?
- I never broke my promise.
- Anything else, Jack?
- I never broke the promise.
Danny, Matt.
I'm Matt, he's Danny.
Come on in.
What'd you hear from Wes today?
They're giving him...
...a blood-pressure-lowering
medication called Liovan.
And the doctors
are keeping him in bed.
- It's your show again for a week.
- It's his show. We're just running it.
There's an AM radio station in Phoenix,
KRAC Talk Radio.
Their morning drive-time hosts
are Mike and Marvin. This is this morning.
I'm waiting for the big one.
I am praying for the big one.
One big earthquake right at the...
What's...? What's it...? The...?
The San Andreas Fault.
San Andreas Fault.
Just lop off all of Southern California
right into the Pacific. We don't need it.
Friends, I don't know
how many of you out there...
...watch Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.
I know I don't.
It's a late-night humor show
from the folks at NBS.
Well, I wouldn't call it humor.
It's what passes for humor in Hollywood.
Well, Friday night on their program...
...they took the word "disgusting"
to a brand-new level.
This doesn't sound like
a good review.
You can call it disgusting.
I'm gonna call it repulsive.
- No, I was wrong, there's a pull-quote.
- Shut up.
Friends, on the program Friday night...
...these junior varsity liberal punks
performed a sketch...
...in which our nation's desire
to be unified shoulder to shoulder...
...behind our president
was mocked as a silly thing.
What are we getting at?
They wanna make sure Washington
isn't using scare tactics...
...that impinge on their right
to make this drivel.
I got news for you, it ain't Washington
that's using scare tactics.
It's the terrorists, so stop whining
with your smug little jokes.
It's a local station.
I'm still not understanding the point of...
Now, the writer of this sketch
was Matthew Albie. That's A-L-B-I-E.
And Mr. Albie, you are
the latest addition to our FOO list.
- FOO list?
- Wait for it.
Friend of Osama.
I'm a friend of Osama
We go to Dance-o-Rama
We got evil karma
Our cave will be bomb-a
By the U.S.A.
- Now, please, keep listening.
- He wrote and recorded a treason jingle?
I gotta hear this again.
Matthew Albie also came out
and publicly supported Mr. Bill Maher...
...when Mr. Bill Maher said that
the terrorists weren't cowards.
- Our guys were cowards.
- That's not what he said.
- Hang on.
That's not what we said.
Hang on.
- I still don't understand why...
Because of this.
Wanna send a message
to the latte-drinking liberals...
...that Clinton time is over? You buy no
products that are advertised on Studio 60...
...and I'm gonna give you a list of their
sponsors. Let's go. Sears, Wal-Mart...
Hey, come on, it's conservative talk radio
in one market. They're in Phoenix.
They're syndicated in 11 other cities.
Houston, Dallas, Brownsville...
...El Paso, Denver. Sales is very concerned,
the ad reps are calling. We got a problem...
Sales was at the dress.
So were national ad reps.
- They didn't have a problem then.
- They got one now.
Because these guys have a problem?
Because their customers
have a problem.
They're getting calls and e-mails,
they wanna nip it in the bud.
- How?
- Some kind of apology.
I'm sorry.
- Not to me.
- I'm sorry, an apology will not be coming.
- Why's that?
- Because unless it's with my mom...
...or my girlfriend, when I say I'm sorry,
I mean it.
You don't have a girlfriend now,
so fake it.
- How do you know I don't?
- I know everything, Danny.
- I'm Matt.
- He knows.
I do, and I also know what's gonna happen
if you don't apologize.
- You'll fire me.
- No, I'll fire him.
What did he do?
He was next to you when you said
you wouldn't apologize.
See how this is gonna work?
- You must know the song.
- I do know the song.
This is Captain Boyle.
Mm-hm.
Do you have my code? Call me right back
on the secure phone.
What's going on?
Tango-Nevada-Echo-Echo-Bravo.
- When?
- What's going on?
What do you think,
I've got about five minutes?
All right, copy that, I'm here.
- All right, Tom, listen to me now.
- What?
In about five minutes, Aljazeera's
gonna report that they've executed...
...Airman Valdez. They'll probably
show tape of the dead body.
Listen to me. They're lying.
They haven't killed anybody.
They'll show a guy they killed months ago.
- How do you know?
- I'm not new at this.
We're giving them the money.
I'm getting the lawyer back.
- They're lying.
- You don't know that.
- Wait for verificat...
- I'm not waiting.
This is what terrorism is.
This is what they want.
Face some facts, would you? It works.
Get down on your knees.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Why?
- Respect.
See, this is my first speed bump.
If I were God,
I wouldn't have any ego problems.
I wouldn't need,
"Oh, Lord, creator of the universe...
...most powerful and merciful
and handsome of all the deities. "
There's a baby that's two weeks premature,
her mom can't stop bleeding...
...my friend and employee's brother is being
held prisoner by medieval heroin dealers.
If he needs 10 minutes of sucking up
before he'll fix this...
...I don't wanna work with him.
- The kneeling is for you.
How's it for me?
It takes the average person in America
60 years to make what you make in a year.
It takes the average person
in the world 60 lifetimes...
...to earn what you earn in a year.
You have choices.
Same is true for me.
And the one thing that isn't handed
to you on a silver platter is humility.
So I like to begin each day on my knees
and end each day on my knees.
If he's everything you say,
I shouldn't have to audition.
- It's not an audition.
- Lf he's real...
- He is.
- And he loves me...
- He does.
- Why not just fix it?
I don't know.
And I'm hoping it's gonna be a long, long
time before you get to ask him yourself.
Get on your knees.
I wasn't handed anything
on a platter.
I'm who I am because my parents
gave me opportunities.
I'm who I am because I worked hard
and got good grades.
I got what I got
because I went after a non-paying...
...entry-level television internship
and proved myself.
I got what I got because I took action.
- Are you a surgeon or a hematologist?
- No.
Then what action can you take now?
I'm sorry. It feels wrong
to be in this room.
This isn't the time, but he
made some reasonably good points.
How about this?
"A few hours ago...
...I made a very irresponsible
and offensive statement to the press.
I don't in any way sympathize with... "
You're kidding me, right?
No.
You contribute money
to the Democratic Party?
Uh, I've contributed money
to lots of things.
- Including Democrats?
- Yes.
I'll go out there and say that I don't
sympathize with terrorists...
...if you say you don't either.
Simon, I didn't just go in front
of television cameras...
No, I'm sorry, Jack,
I heard the president say:
"Either you're with us or you're
against us. " Unless you're Saudi Arabia.
And if you gave money to Democrats,
you're not with us.
All right, all right, all right.
And what kind of name is Rudolph?
Is it German or is it Jewish?
And you're getting a divorce...
...so does that mean you don't have
family values or does it mean you're gay?
Answer those things
for me and the audience...
...and I'll go out there with you
and say whatever you want.
Is this how it happened
with Matt and Danny?
How about instead of issuing
an apology...
...release a statement saying that Studio 60
and NBS aren't interested in commenting...
...on the fabricated crisis
ginned up by a guy who...
- And I still can't get over this.
- Matt...
- wrote a radio song
called "Friends of Osama. "
Jack, is it possible...?
This guy wants California
to drop into the ocean.
Considering there are more Americans
here than any other state...
...I think that's unpatriotic,
and I'd like an apology.
Is it possible that we're responding to
a worst-case scenario before it's happened?
Absolutely. One of my jobs
is to recognize things...
...before they become
as bad as they can get.
- The ad reps were on the floor...
- I understand that, Danny...
...and I kept my promise,
but now we have a problem...
...as, frankly, I predicted we would.
- We don't have a problem.
The sketch was taken out of context
to make the exact opposite point...
...that was intended by people
who never watched to begin with.
Okay, hang on. Stop, everybody.
It's not even our show.
We're substitute showrunners
for a couple of weeks.
And you won't treat the property
you do not own recklessly.
- We're not treating it...
- Jack, he's right.
We showed it to the ad reps.
No one who would be offended
by this show watches Studio 60.
They watch other shows
on this network, except not anymore...
...because watching NBS will be unpatriotic
and people wanna feel patriotic.
- By watching television?
- By doing whatever the hell...
Guys, I can't spend all day on this.
At a time when the whole country
is completely in line...
...including the two of us...
...how is it possible that people are so
offended by a thoroughly benign sketch?
Is true patriotism that fragile that it can
be threatened by a late-night comedy show?
Excellent point.
One that's worthy of an exceptionally
enlightened 7th-grade social-studies class.
You're gonna apologize
or you're fired.
- Whoa.
- First of all, you can't fire us.
You can fire Wes and Wes can fire us.
- Stacey.
- Let's lower the temperature a bit...
...so that we can...
Get me Wes Mendell, please.
Let's see what happens now.
Jack?
Jack.
- Uh, no.
- No what?
No, that's not how it happened
to Matt and Danny.
Please don't go anywhere.
- Mary's coming in.
- Let's wait for...
I'm here.
Who are you?
Mary Tate.
- You look different.
- She was sleeping.
I was sleeping.
I looked a lot better
when the day started. What's happened?
Aljazeera will say Valdez was executed.
They've got film. Boyle doesn't believe it.
He says it's footage
of a guy who...
- Old footage.
- Is he committing to anything right now?
- No.
- What's it take to get it started?
Tom gets on the phone
with our office in London.
They put you through
a proof-of-identity process.
- Can we skip that part?
No.
Then they'll quote a price that includes
their services and buyout fee.
- How much is that?
- Don't worry.
- How much is it?
- They ask for a million-dollar deposit.
- I don't have a million.
- I do.
- I can't ask you to do that.
- You can't ask us not to.
Can I make a transfer
from out of the country?
- I'm not committing to anything.
- No.
I'm gonna talk to my parents...
...and then I'll come back
and we'll get the ID process started.
- I'm gonna get to a phone.
With who?
Any bank that's open.
Why are you holding your shoes?
I guess I was gonna put them on.
- You speak to Danny?
- Yeah.
A few minutes ago.
They got her on an IV antibiotic...
About the baby.
Mary, I'm not gonna...
What do you want me to...?
He can go in with papers.
He can go into Jordan's room with legal
papers, she can make him the guardian.
- I can't suggest...
- You have to.
It's insensitive, it's ghoulish.
And she's a friend of mine too.
- I wish you wouldn't talk...
- This isn't the time to be polite.
Danny's looking at his daughter right now,
only she's not his daughter if Jordan dies.
- Well, she's not gonna.
- She's in the ICU, Matt.
He could lose his fianc?e
and his daughter in one night...
...and that's preventable.
Do you know
how to draft the papers?