Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (2006–2007): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Cold Open - full transcript

Gail.
The Cold Open

Gail Winslow
Philadelphia Inquirer.

You're one of the highest-ranking
female executives in television,

which means you'll bring
a different sensibility to the job.

Can you talk out that?

Well, I've only had the job
for three hours, so I don't know.

I'm not sure that male or female has
as much to do with it as you might think.

We're just at the beginning
of our development season for next fall,

and with each of our potential new shows,
I'll ask myself three questions:

Do I like it?

Would my parents like it?



If I had kids,
would I want them to watch it?

If the answer to any of those questions
is "yes," I'll put it on the air.

If the answer to all three
is "no," then I won't.

In the back. Bill.

Jordan, can you describe
the reaction of NBS executives Friday night

when Wes described
the network as a "candy-ass network"

and a "greed-filled whorehouse
of a network"?

Pleased and proud, as you can imagine.

Until we realized he wasn't talking
about Fox, he was talking about us.

No, I can't comment on that.

I can't comment on what may or may not
have happened at NBS over the past five years.

- I will say this is a broadcast network...
- She's doing okay.

I could've used the day,
is all I'm saying.

You needed to sleep.



For 28 hours?

You were on some very powerful
painkillers Friday night.

I needed to write. I lost a whole day.

You wouldn't have been
able to write anyway.

And I needed you rested for the week.
I made a decision for you.

You'll find I'll be making a lot of them.

I wish you hadn't sent Jeannie home with me.

She spent the weekend at my house.

You needed someone to take care of you,

and I needed to meet
with the department heads.

Harriet doesn't know that I...

It doesn't matter.

We got five days now. Not even five days.
And except for what's-their-names...

Ricky and Ron.

Dick and Dick-- I don't even know
anybody on the writing staff anymore.

Yeah. Are you listening to her?
She's doing good.

You know this thing
is all over talk radio?

What do you expect?

A caller from Toluca Lake called us
Barbara-Streisand-loving, Michael-Moore-

worshipping jackasses.

What have I always told you
about listening to show tunes?

- Don't do it.
- Don't do it.

I'll tell you what I do believe.

I believe that the people
who watch television shows

aren't dumber than the people
who make television shows.

I believe that quality
is not anathema to profit.

I know you have a lot of questions
about Wes and the incident Friday night,

but I'm not going to answer them--
these are internal matters.

What I will do is introduce
you formally to Matt and Danny.

- They began working at Studio 60
- All right, here we go.

nine years ago as, respectively,
a staff writer and a segment producer,

and are responsible for some of the show's
ost enduring moments of comedy.

Wait a second. The caller from Toluca Lake
with the "Barbara-Streind

was she calling us Hollywood liberals
or was she calling us gay?

It's a pretty fine distinction.

Yeah, I guess so. I really wish
you hadn't sent Jeannie home with me.

- They are irreverent,
- Hang on.

they are brilliant,
they will make us laugh,

they will make us think,
they will make us talk,

and they will make us proud.

Easy does it, lady.

They will return Studio 60 to its former
glory as the flagship program of NBS,

and NBS will return to its former place
as America's greatest broadcast network.

And if you don't believe me,

tune in Friday night at 11:30.

No.

By the way,
this latest career move of ours?

- Pretty stupid?
- Yeah.

...two old friends of this network:
Matthew Albie and Daniel Tripp.

Stick around, okay? When we're done,
I need to choke you to death.

You bet.

I've got the NBS closed circuit
feed up on channel ten

if anybody wants to watch
the news conference.

Good morning, everybody.

- Thank you.
- Thank you, Jordan.

You probably have a lot of questions.
We'd like to answer all of them,

but we're all under deadline.

You have your editors, we have
a cast and crew 200 yards away.

How does it feel to be running the show...

Hayes.

Jeannie with the light brown hair.

You ready for this?

The new executive producers,
the media frenzy,

the pressure on this week's show,
or working for my ex-boyfriend?

Talk to me. Do we just let Jesus
be our copilot?

No. My mom used to say
if Jesus is your co-pilot,

you should trade seats.

I want my body to look like yours.

I want my talent to look like yours.

How they doing?

They were just introduced.

But so far, very charming.

Kathleen and then Debbie.

What's the division of responsibilities?

Matt'll do the work,
I'll take the credit.

Matt'll oversee the writing,
I'll oversee production.

Everyone's in the writer's room.

The most humiliating day of my life.

Is he gonna oversee the writing
or is he gonna do the writing, Ricky?

'Cause everyone's heard
the stories of when he was co-exec.

I don't know, Den.

I'm just Matt Albie's butt-boy right now.

I spent some time talking with Jordan
Friday night and again this morning,

and... she's peculiar.

We're both, honestly, very excited about
working with her and getting to know her.

We're also very happy to back
with her boss Jack Rudolph.

Guys, you've got it all wrong.

I don't want to get too personal,
but the first time Jack and I made love,

it was incredible.

I'll tell you what, they're doing great.
All three of them.

Martin DeWitt, Entertainment Weekly.
This is for either one of you or both.

You've been gearing up to make
a movie about Nikola Tesla.

Why would you abandon the movie
to come back to television?

"We love the show, we love television."

Danny and I both feel
that we grew up at Studio 60,

and that we were being given
a chance to come home...

Ten days ago,
I tested positive for cocaine,

and the insurance company won't bond me
until I've had 18 months of clean tests.

So I won't be directing movies
for a couple years.

Well, that was nice while it lasted.

I think Veronica was next.

- Did you say...
- I did,

and that is the last you'll hear me
speak publicly about it. Veronica?

Jordan, did you know
about this when you hired him?

I can't remember,
I was high at the time.

You all thought I was funnier
at the beginning of the press conference.

I have nothing but confidence
in the both of them,

so let's take one more question
and let 'em get to work. In the back.

Constance Gower here
from Rapture magazine.

I'm sorry?

Rapture magazine.

Can you tell us about
a sketch called "Crazy Christians"?

- That's an internal creative...
- What about it?

Is there such a sketch?

I wrote a sketch four years ago
called "Crazy Christians,"

but it didn't make it on the air.

Now that you've been hired back,

can we plan on seeing "Crazy Christians"
on the air on Friday night?

It's Monday, I don't know what's gonna be
on the air Friday night.

Yes.

Yes what?

Yes, it'll be on the air Friday night.

I see.

And I guess that about takes
care of that. Shelly?

Thank you very much everyone.

Thank you.

Thank you very much, everyone.

Thank you.

Well, that turned
into a kegger in a hurry.

That was not the answer
we talked about.

You got a problem with my life?

We went over
how you were gonna frame that.

Are you serious?!
You're gonna tell me...

Good morning.

- That was insane!
- I want to know how that sketch got out!

No. No one speaks until I point
and say their name.

You. Danny.

What the hell? I told the truth.

- We talked about what you were gonna say.
- I know what we talked about,

but I told the truth, right then,
instead of having it come out in drips,

which is what was gonna happen, Jack.

Plus, I'm a recovering drug addict.
Honesty is a good idea for me.

Well, I'm sure I speak
for all the shareholders when I say

that your sense of self-esteem
is our highest priority.

Jordan..

I'm not sure that following
Danny's rigorous honesty

with a joke about being high was the way
William Paley would have handled it--

- you know what I'm saying?
- No one ever went wrong breaking the tension.

Check again.

I want to know how Rapture magazine
gets credentialed for an NBS press conference.

You think it should be the policy of this
network to exclude religious publications...

We're not talking
about the Christian Science Monitor.

How many whack-jobs
read Rapture magazine?

It has a circulation four times
the size of Vanity Fair.

- Are you kidding?
- No, I'm not.

I'm a little surprised myself, Shelly.

You shouldn't be.

The rapture's what I think it is, right?

The world comes to an end,
believers go up in a spaceship?

It's not a spaceship, it's Jesus Christ.

- What happens to the nonbelievers?
- You get thrown down into a fiery pit.

Can we just do that now?

Incredibly, he's the only one
who held it together.

Now, if anyone can think of any ways
to screw up that we haven't tried already,

I'll be in my office. Shelly.

I want to know
how that sketch got out there.

- It got out there.
- How?

- How?
- Yeah.

There's a cast, crew and staff
of 130 people in that theater.

400 people saw it at dress,

1,000 people in this building
get the dress on a closed circuit feed;

the thing's been around for four years.
Pick one of 'em-- what does it matter?

It matters because comedy's less funny
the second time around.

And your problem?

"They will return the show to its
former glory and lead NBS to its thing

and quality is not anathema to profit,
if you don't believe me,

tune in 11:30 Friday night."

Did I get the time wrong?

No, you raised the bar
a little high, don't you think?

- Did I?
- You did.

- I raised the bar high?
- Yes.

Sorry.

Clear it.

{PUB}

You know, I'd have thought you'd be in
a better mood after getting so much sleep.

We got to open it special somehow.
There's gonna be an expectation.

I need to come up with a cold open.

And the hour and 25 minutes
that come after that.

Yeah.

Hey, were you trying to tell me something
about Harriet before?

When?

Before. You said something
about Jeannie and Harriet?

It doesn't matter.

Matty, you and Harriet,
you're all set, right?

- Yeah. - You talked about it?
- A little.

This isn't a problem?

It's not a problem. I need a cold open--
that's the problem.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Jorge, how you been, sir?

I'll tell you something. It's been
a sad place since the two of you left,

- and this is a great day.
- Thanks, man.

You got a lot a people in there waiting
for you to tell them what to do.

Yeah. Matt's happy to see you, too.

He'd speak right now,
but he's started to move into a coma.

I remember the look.

I'm gonna need an office
in here somewhere--

Ricky and Ron have my old one.

You're taking Wes's office.

You're taking Wes's office.

No, I think I'm gonna redo
the A.D.'s old office.

I'm not taking Wes's office.

You need it-- it's got room to pace.

You're very active when you write.

Listen to me. The man
wrote for the Smothers Brothers.

He wrote with Pryor,
and he wrote with Cosby.

He invented Studio 60;
he gave me my first job

and lost his 'cause he tried
to put a sketch I wrote on the air.

That's not why he lost his job.

I don't care, I'd rather
sit in Lorne Michaels' office.

Well, Lorne's office is in New York
and he's still using it,

so you're gonna use this one.

This is new.

Oh, man, no wonder he went crazy.

Cast in the basement in five minutes.

How did it know?

How'd it know what?

Exactly how much time
was left in the week?

Yeah, it's a miracle of technology
that we've invented an electronic device

that can count backwards from seven.

But it was off.

It has a battery.

So it always knows.

Don't endow the thing
with special powers, Matt.

It's a clock, okay? Come on.

We've gotten calls from four
different agents representing designers,

wanting to know if you're changing the set.

- I am, but not this week.
- I'll send out the word.

I don't know any of these guys.
They're all Ricky and Rons.

Yeah, I'm gonna go in
with you for a second.

Put them at ease.

Morning.

Hi!

We spoke for a few minutes Friday night
and we'll get to know each other in time.

For now, I'll just say this isn't TV camp.

It's not important to us
that everybody gets to play.

Come at Matt with good ideas,
you'll be a big part of the show.

Don't, it won't matter.
'Cause he won't remember your name.

You all right from here?

Yeah, unless you want
to relax them some more.

- No, I'm fine.
- Good.

Okay, listen, there couldn't be a worse
possible time not to be good at this.

Let's go around the room.

Bernadette of The Bernadette Blog.

It says "Studio 60 seldom rose to the level
of Saturday Night Live at its best.

The hiring of Matthew Albie
and Daniel Tripp is a sideshow

and that Wes' eloquent
and courageous sign-off last week

should've served as the final nail in the show's cough-in."

And though she spelled coffin O-U-G-H,
I think I understand what she means.

Stop reading the Internet.

- Bernadette of The Bernadette Blog says...
- Bernadette is writing this in her pajamas.

Tommy, why do you care?

She's got a freezer full of Jenny Craig
and she's surrounded by her five cats.

The New York Times is going to quote
Bernadette so that the people can be heard,

and the Times can demonstrate
they're not the media elite.

I prefer when they were elite.
I'm a fan of credentials.

It's like we've all spent the last
five years living a Roger Corman film

called Revenge of the Hack.

I have to care about the Internet,
Sim-- you know why?

Because everybody else does.

Help me out.

Thank you.

Can he even sit in a chair
for 14 hours a day?

Who?

Matt, he just had back surgery.

- Can he sit in a chair?
- It wasn't a big deal.

They just moved something around.

Yeah, I had that surgery.

And it's not a big deal,
but you're not supposed to--

you're not supposed to move around
for about a week and a half.

You're not supposed to ride in a car,

and you can't sit at a desk
for 14 hours a day.

14 hours is a short day for him,
and when you had the surgery,

you didn't miss a show.

I am exceptional in many ways.

He, on the other hand--

I don't think he can sit in a chair.

It's not going to be a problem.

- What's not going to be a problem?
- Matt's back surgery.

He's doing 40 leg lifts
with 30-pound weights.

- Get the hell out of here.
- He is.

- I couldn't tie my shoe.
- Well, you're exceptional in many ways.

Good morning!

Excuse me.

Tell Cal I'm going to see him in ten minutes.
We'll add the budget boys at lunch.

- Food?
- Sure.

- I meant what kind of food.
- Anything's fine.

I got a chance to speak on the phone
with each of you yesterday.

And I think I know what you're all thinking:
"They're gonna make some changes,

bring in some new blood,
am I staying, am I going...".

That's what you're all thinking, right?

Not till just now, no.

Man, well, you should've been.

Don't give me your very best or choose
this week to complain about something--

you'll make those decisions very easy.

Mark Wahlberg is our host,

but Matt's not gonna make his fit show
about Mark Wahlberg and we all know it.

He's also gonna write for the guys he knows,
so some of you need to be patient.

I would also become
one of the guys he knows.

The White Stripes is the musical guest.

- Danny?
- Yeah?

Harriet and I have been working
on a White Stripes sketch;

we play the two of them not being able
to remember if they're husband and wife,

brother and sister or just two friends
who can really play.

You think they'll have
a sense of humor about it?

I've seen them riff a little bit,
Harriet's good.

Thanks, Sam.

Can you have something
to show Matt tomorrow?

Yes.

Look, can he sit in a chair?

'Cause eight days
after I had the surgery,

I still couldn't make it from the bedroom
to the kitchen without a damn epidural

and I'm an athlete.

You are?

I played football in college.
I play golf every Sunday.

The Yale School of Drama
had a tough team to beat?

Intramural flag football.

Anyway, he's telling people that he can
do 40 leg lifts with 30-pound weights.

I say he's a liar and I challenge him
to a contest of physical supremacy.

Why don't you guys settle it like the real
Athenians over 18 holes at Riviera?

He's not saying he did 40 reps,
he did 40 reps.

I saw him yesterday morning.

He went to the gym?!

At his house; he bought a machine.

And you saw him?

- Danny?
- You're excused.

- Can I go talk to her, please?
- No. Anybody have any questions?

All right.

I... I've got a question.

Simon?

What'd you think
of the season premiere this year?

I missed it, I'll watch it
on tape in the office.

What do you think of Tom's Bill Frist?
He's been doing it since Terry Schiavo.

- It's a great recurring...
- Sim.

You can get it
from the tape library, no problem.

I'll do that.

Any other questions?

Thank you.

{PUB}

Deb?

"The Democracy Act."

Bush announces his new bill
called The Democracy Act,

making it illegal to vote.

I don't know.

It's a play on how these guys always name
things the opposite of what they are:

The Patriot Act, The Clean Water Act...

- Defense of Marriage.
- I understand.

During the speech he could wear
a crown and hold a scepter.

Yeah, that doesn't make it better.

Denny?

"Bush's New Drug Czar."

Bush appoints a new drug czar,
but because of his poor vetting process,

it turns out, he's hired
a drug kingpin instead.

Mitch?

"President's Daily Briefing."

White House staffers
put on a puppet show...

I need to start with the opening,

- when I know the opening.
- We've got "the Bush Speech Writers".

Which can be used for the cold open.

Or "Family Feud"--
the Clintons vs. the Bushes.

- And the vetters.
- One at a time.

I didn't say we're not going
to have any...

Stop.

Just stop!

What are you all wearing?

I'm not Blackwell or anything,
but, holy cow,

what the hell are you guys wearing?

One of the things this show
does is decide what's cool,

and I've just decided
it's no longer cool for grown men

to dress as if they're
in junior high school.

It's comedy, Matt.

Not yet, it's not, and until it is,
we're all going to act professionally.

You understand?

We're going to act, dress, talk,
write and behave professionally.

You are an adolescent, ovsexed, whoremonger
with the sensitivity of a head of cabbage!

And all that will begin
in just a few minutes.

You've been dating Jeannie?

- Harriet...
- She saw you do 40 leg lifts

at your house, jackass;
she was very impressed.

She told us all about it.

Simon and Tom couldn't look at me.

Neither could Danny; I was humiliated.

What do you have to say?

Me?!

Yeah.

Don't ever walk into that room and talk
to me in front of the staff like that again.

I will bench you until Christmas.

I will make you the highest paid
extra in Hollywood, Harry.

I will, so help me God, pay you to wave
and say good night at 1:00 in the morning.

- Do you understand?
- Yes.

Now, what is your problem?
That after you broke up with me,

I went out with somebody else?
That's what almost always happens.

Not someone from where I work.

There are 17 strip clubs within
a three-block radius of this place for you;

not someone from my show.

It's not your show; it's mine.

And there are only five strip clubs within a three-block radius.

I spent my 20's in this theater.

- I've been here seven years.
- And I was here for the two before that.

So was Jeannie, for that matter.

- Were you dating her then?
- I'm not dating her now.

She just sleeps with you
from time to time?

You broke up with me, Harry.

And if you don't believe me,
I've got a copy of the e-mail.

Yes, she did it by e-mail,
ladies and germs.

I've got a copy of the e-mail
on my hard drive

and another one in a safe deposit box
at Citi National.

That's funny, 'cause I keep all your things
nicely stored on a garbage scow off Catalina.

Right, so can I go date
a woman who doesn't?

Well, that population's
getting pretty thin.

- Look...
- Bad enough I've gotta read about you

with Mena Suvari,

- That was...
- Fiona Apple. Rachel McAdams,

Marlo Thomas.

You think I've been
dating Marlo Thomas?

Who the hell knows what you do,
you addle-minded pervert.

Marlo's married to Phil Donahue,

who can still beat the crap
out of me anytime he wants.

Thank God.

Seriously, he's a huge Irish man.

I'm too tired for this.

I never dated any of those people.

Page Six said...

Oh, then you got me, because
if Page Six said it, then it must be true.

Did you get hard confirmation
from the Drudge Report?

I got confirmation from Jeannie.

- About who?
- About Jeannie.

Jeannie and I have been
friends for a long time,

but you don't have to worry, I don't date or
do anything with people who work for me.

Yeah.

I feel relieved.

In fact, I think I'm falling
in love with you all over again.

Harry.

If I slow-danced with Danny,
your head would explode and you know it.

I have an active imagination, Matthew.

I'm paid a lot of money for it.

And you had to know
I was gonna find out.

So now, I have this in my imagination.

That's just mean.

Harriet...

Harry.

I didn't mean to be mean.

Danny sent her home with me
to make sure I was okay.

And?

And...

I just want to make sure that...

I mean, we need you this week.
We need a great show and... you know...

I see.

So, you can keep your head in the game?

Sit down. Write.

And give me a damn audience.

Damn it.

{PUB}

Tuesday

The world has to come to an end?

- For the rapture? - Yes.
- Yes.

So there's a percentage of the population
hoping that the world will come to an end?

Yes.

You'd think they'd be rooting us on.

How long were you going to stand out there?

I'm a people person, Jack. I was
just getting to know your intern, Kelly.

My intern's name is Kayla,
and we've got a problem.

Peter?

Peter Goldman from Affiliate Relations.

We didn't really get a chance
to meet in the chaos Friday night.

And I'm Joe Reardon in Sales.

We just got a very nervous call from a man
named Vernon Williams who's the owner of WTIH,

our affiliate in Terre Haute.

Vernon Williams had to call on his cell phone
because his station lines arjammed.

He won't carry Studio 60 Friday night

unless he is guaranteed that
the sketch "Crazy Christians" is dropped.

I don't tell the guys
what to put on the show.

Yeah, you do; you're their boss.

In this case, I specifically
gave them permission to do it.

I kind of made them a promise.

Break it.

Over the Terre Haute market?

What are they, 229th out of 230 affiliates?

They're 151st, but that's not the point.

How did the editor-in-chief of Total Nut Bar
magazine get mobilized this fast?

That's the point.

She and I have been on this issue
for the exact same amount of time,

and I don't even know
how to work my phone yet.

Dial nine, professor.

- Where is she at?
- Well, clearly she's got...

- What's her name?
- Constance Gower.

I hate that name.
Where is she at?

I was going to say, clearly,
she's got the AFV working the bank.

She put a news flash on their Web site.

That's like flashing the bat signal
for her members.

So what happens now?

Phone lines will be flooded within the hour.

At Studio 60, 22 different red state
affiliates and here.

And it will be a news story the whole week.
And they will probably come after you.

With napalm?

Personal stuff--
it will get leaked on the Web.

Well, that's the way it goes.

I don't think the advertisers
will feel that way.

I'm bulletproof on Friday nights.

How?

Because movies open on Friday,
and half our sponsors are studios

who want their trailers associated
with what's hip and cool.

As long as I'm delivering 'em eyeballs,
they're not gonna get...

There won't be any eyeballs
without the affiliates.

We lost one.

Terre Haute. What's next,
Little Rock-Pine Bluff?

Have any of these people
ever watched the show?

And if they don't like it,

can someone go over to their houses
and teach 'em how to change the channel?

That sounds like exactly
what my next job will be.

- Jack, this...
- It's the affiliate groups, Jordan--

Jensen Media, Forthlin West,
Dynamic Channels.

We'll be reduced to the size
of a college radio station.

So could you please pick up
the phone and call your friends,

- the executive producers, and tell...
- No.

I'm sorry, Jack.

- Porter.
- Peter.

- Jim.
- Joe.

Sorry, but I made them a promise.

In fact, it was the first one I made.

I wish to offend no one, but I'm the president
of the National Broadcasting System,

and I won't be told what to put
on my air by amateurs of any stripe.

Shelly, don't worry about my back.
Worry about the network's.

Your back is the network's.

Nice meeting you guys.

- Do we know anything about sound?
- No.

- F/X?
- No.

- Film segments?
- No.

Any point going around the table?

No.

Okay.

Sorry, Cal. He doesn't have anything yet.
He's... You know, he's a little tight.

It's no problem. Set construction,
just be on standby.

Same thing with the camera department.

Sound...

set dressing...

wardrobe, props,
graphics, video playback,

gaffer, grips, electrics in general,

and F/X.

All right, good meeting.

Cal?

We lost Jack White.

Danny?

Yo.

Jack White has acute tonsillitis.

Well, I don't know who that is,
but do whatever we do.

Send flowers to the hospital
or a basket of something.

- Jack White?
- Yeah.

- The White Stripes.
- Yeah.

We don't have a musical guest.

No.

Find out who's around,
who's not touring or dead yet.

Kanye, Foo Fighters, Dave Matthews,
Stone Temple Pilots, Green Day...

Stone Temple Pilots broke up three years ago.

Get 'em back together, Jane.
Give me a list in two hours!

Hey.

Hey. I was going to see Matt.

What the hell was that yesterday?

What the hell was what?

"What did you think
of the season premiere?"

"What do you think of Tom's Bill Frist?"

- Danny, I...
- I haven't watched the show since I left.

You know that, so
were you trying to embarrass me,

or were you trying to make a point?

I would never try to embarrass you.

Then what's your point?

You're here because you failed a drug test,
and you can't direct movies for two years.

That was new information.

You want me to be grateful because
you're slumming in TV for two years?

Holy hell, Sim!
I'm here, okay? I'm here!

The show was gonna go to Ricky and Ron,
and I'm here. What do you want from me?

You left us with Ricky and Ron.

Is this about why I'm here or why I left?

- Hey, you know...
- I left 'cause I was standing by Matt.

Where were you standing?

- Me?
- Yeah.

I was standing by the show.

How's it goin'?

Good. Can The White Stripes play
for an hour and a half?

Jack White's got acute tonsillitis.
They can't play at all.

Jane's working on it.

Okay.

Yeah, that's better.

Check it out.

What are you?

Danny said that you were choking, and Harriet
and I have a White Stripes impression,

if you want to write a sketch.

I didn't say you were choking,
and we don't have the White Stripes.

Really?

Yeah.

- Then I'm just a guy in a wig?
- Yeah.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Look, don't grip it too tight, Matty.
It's just Tuesday.

Gave the staff a lecture
on clothing before.

I heard.

I couldn't believe the words
were coming out of my mouth,

but apparently,
I felt pretty strongly about it.

I don't have a cold open,

and unless we find Bin Laden
between now and Friday night,

we're gonna have people's attention
for the open.

- It needs to be too many things.
- What does it need to be?

Self-deprecating.
An acknowledgement and an acceptance.

- A message from the producers?
- It should be on a grand scale.

- What's a grand scale?
- A song.

A big song, a musical number.

All right.

It should pay respect
to where we are-- this studio, this city.

Keep talking.

I'm trying.

We take the show seriously,
but we don't take ourselves seriously?

- That's right.
- We screwed up, but we won't do it again.

- Yeah.
- We'll be model citizens.

We'll be a model...

We'll be a model...

You know who did
the best frat humor of all time?

- Rudy Vallee.
- Groucho Marx.

It was W.S. Gilbert.

We'll be the very model
of a modern network TV show.

We hope that you don't mind that
our producer was caught doing blow.

- Yes?
- Yes!

What do we have that says
Legacy of Television?

Like Arturo Toscanini
and the NBC Orchestra?

- Jane?
- What do we have that says...?

Jane!

I'm just coming to see you.
I'm on hold with Clay Aiken's manager.

Then hang up the damn phone.

We need John Mauceri
and the West Coast Philharmonic.

We're also gonna need
the L.A. Light Opera Chorus,

and if you can't get them, try the
L.A. Phil, or the USC or UCLA orchestras.

- I'll call you back.
- Whoever it is, it's got to read Los Angeles,

- they got to be able to play.
- Is this a joke?

- We're counting on it.
- Go.

Okay, now we just need to write
the song and the rest of the show.

Cal, we can start production.
I'll get everyone together.

Tom, Simon, go home, get a change
of clothes and your shaving kit.

It's us this week.

Harriet, too?

Harriet, too.

- Listen...
- Forget it. Let's work.

All right.

It's just a clock.

{PUB}

Friday
Police estimating the number of protesters

between 200 and 300,

many holding signs reading
"NBS equals God-Haters."

No comment from any of the more senior
members of the Studio 60 staff.

Live in Hollywood,
I'm Jane Yamamoto reporting.

Go.

Tom, the second page of that,
the fourth line--

I swear, it just has
to be three words shorter.

And end in an odd number?

Seventeen.

Got it.

These are good to go.
Floor managers, then the control room.

That's it. Thanks.

Yeah, 17's a much funnier number than 15.

As a matter of fact, it is.
I got time for a shower, right?

A quick one.

8:00 at night,
it's 102 degrees in September,

'cause there's a hole in the sky.

These people have been standing
in the ticket line for over an hour.

Can we spritz 'em down with something?

Maybe they can hop
in the shower with you.

I'm not kidding.

The pages are passing out cold lemonade.

Can we open the doors early?

Soon as Willy and the band are ready.

Look at that.

Yeah.

You know, in an hour and a half,
it'll be empty again.

Would you, you know...
Would you just enjoy the moment?

Would you please just live in what's happening
right now and not time-travel to the next...

Man, could you be just
a little more Jewish?

It was a spectacular dress, Matt.
It was the best.

I've never seen a dress go that well,
and neither have you.

So, for the love of God,
in the name of all that is holy...

- I get it.
- ...will you please...?!

I'm gonna take a shower and change.

Was there something
you came to see me about?

Yes.

What?

We don't need to do it now,
but at some point,

I'm going to need you to level
with me about Harriet.

I need to know how big
a problem it's going to be.

It's not going to be a problem at all.

It will if you're in love with her.

I'm not.

I'm not.

Danny.

I love her talent.

The woman's got millions of fans,
but there are maybe 50 guys in town

who really understand how good
she is and we're two of them.

That's all; I admire her
and I'm knocked out by her talent.

I like it when she makes me laugh
and I like making her laugh,

which isn't an easy thing to do,
so it's gratifying.

She's undeniably sexy
and I like it when she smiles at me,

and a couple of other things,
but that's it.

- Oh, my God, we are so screwed.
- I know.

30 minutes till show time,
everyone; 30 minutes.

It was thoughtless of...
Sorry.

I didn't see you.

It was thoughtless to blurt it out
in the meeting and I'm very sorry.

I love him to death, but we're friends,
and when we're both without somebody,

sometimes we wind up with each other.

Eat 'em up, Jeannie
with the light brown hair.

Eat 'em up.

Thank you.

Hey, Celia, does he look good to you?

He always looks good to me.

Then can I have him for a second?

Yes, sir.

Your second year on the show was my last
and at the beginning of that season,

you were pissed 'cause Jamie Foxx had
beaten you out for the part in Stone's movie,

- the football movie.
- Yeah.

You were pissed at Jamie,
you were pissed at Will Smith,

you were pissed at Denzel,

and you came into my office and you said,
"I just graduated from Yale Drama.

I don't belong here."

And so I was pissed
at you 'cause I do belong here.

- I belong here, too.
- I know.

- So don't fire me.
- Why the hell would I do that?

'Cause I can't do the voices.

- What?!
- I can't do the voices...

with the "Jell-O pudding pops."

- I can't do the voices.
- Holy God, Sim,

that's what you're worried about?

- Ricky and Ron are...
- Hacks?

They've been saying they want me
to do voices, that I need to learn...

When did Wes let
those guys take the show?

When did it happen?

That's why Matt didn't understand
what the writers were wearing.

When did he stop running the show?

You can't be too hard on Wes.

People get tired.

And you guys were like his sons and
he didn't stand up for you and he knew it.

We never asked him to.

Doesn't matter.

We're starting over.

We're going to get you doing
what you're good at,

including, starting next week...

you're going to co-anchor the news.

- You're kidding.
- No.

And that Cosby wasn't bad, by the way.

- Yeah, it was.
- Yeah, it was.

Jell-O pudding pops.

327 live, we're standing by.

327 live, standing by.

"You know what, Mary? You got spunk."

"I hate spunk."

See? I like television, too.

What was the final tally?

Terre Haute, Missoula,
Twin Falls, Oklahoma City,

and Little Rock-Pine Bluff.

Four local sponsors,
three national sponsors.

That's not too bad.

And I had to change
my e-mail address twice.

Frogs didn't fall from the sky?

J-Mac, if the ratings start
to dip next week

or if America doesn't find
"Crazy Christians" as funny as you do,

frogs falling from the sky's going to seem
like Club Med compared to what'll happen next.

They never lose, Jordan, they always win.

And they might this time,
but I'm not going down in the first round.

And if the ratings go up,
the sponsors who dropped out,

we'll welcome them back in--

at 120% of the cost
of the original ad buy.

We're gonna be the first network
to charge a coward fee.

I hate spunk.

- Cards-- take to camera.
- You got it.

Let's go.

All right, huddle up.

I've been watching you all this week.

And I gotta tell you I love what I see.

Matt?

The audience was standing out
in the heat for a pretty long time.

People don't laugh as much
when they're hot,

'cause they're sticky and uncomfortable.

All right, good pep talk.

Whose turn is it?

Harry's.

Blessed are you, Lord our God,

Creator of the universe
and Father of us all.

Thank You for giving us one
of Your greatest gifts, a sense of humor.

And if you have time, please make
something heavy fall on Matthew's head.

We say this prayer in the name
of your son, Jesus Christ,

who had to have been funny
to get so many people to listen to Him.

Blessed art Thou forever and ever.

Amen.

Five minutes please.

Let's go!

I got a laugh at the table read when I asked
for the butter in the dinner sketch.

I didn't get it at the dress.
What did I do wrong?

It's one laugh out of 30
you're gonna get tonight.

What did I do wrong?

You asked for the laugh.

What did I do at the table read?

You asked for the butter.

Good show.

Good show.

- How's it lookin' back there?
- We got a problem.

What?

We blew a circuit
and there was a small fire.

The fire's out, but I'm only gonna
have one camera for a while.

What the hell are you talkin' about?!
Why didn't I--

Nah, I'm just kidding, we're all set.

You scared the hell out of me.

It's a comedy show, dude--
welcome back and 30 seconds.

All right, here we go.
Let's go, let's go.

15 seconds.

Ready one.
Stand by, announce.

All right, here we go.
Big show. Ready, Camera One.

Ladies and gentlemen,

John Mauceri
and the West Coast Philharmonic,

joined by the Los Angeles Light Opera
Chorus and the cast of Studio 60.

We'll be the very model
of a modern network TV show

Each time that we walk
into this august and famous studio

We're starting out from scratch
After a run of 20 years

And so we hope that you
don't mind that our producer

Was caught doing blow
They hope that you don't mind

that their producer Was caught doing blow,
they hope that you don't mind

That their producer was caught doing blow

They hope that you don't mind That their
producer was caught doing mounds of blow

Yes, it's hard to be a player
When at heart you've always had a hunch

To bite the hand that feeds you
Is a scary way of doing lunch

But still when we walk
into this august and famous studio

We'll be the very model
of a modern network TV show

But still when they walk
into this august and famous studio

They'll be the very model
of a modern network TV show

I am a Christian tried
and true, baptized at age 11

So unlike the lib'rals, gays and Jews
I'm going straight to heaven

But if you feel you've been cheated
And our sordid content lets you down

We'll hap'ly do the favor
of an intellectual reach-around

They'll hap'ly do the favor
of an intellectual reach-around

They'll hap'ly do the favor
of an intellectual reach-around

They'll hap'ly do the favor
Of a hundred-dollar hooker's reach-around...

That wasn't the same thing we said.

They'll hap'ly do the favor
Of a verbal euphemistic reach-around

We know the evangelical
sare lining up to tag our toe

And then the corporations
Will not hesitate to pull their dough

But still when we walk into
this august and famous studio

We'll be the very model
of a modern network TV show

But still when we walk into
this august and famous studio

We'll be the very model
of a modern network TV show

But still when we walk into
this august and famous studio

We'll be the very model
of a modern network TV show!

Live, from Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip--

it's Friday night in Hollywood!