Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (2006–2007): Season 1, Episode 18 - Breaking News - full transcript
Jordan faces a scare with her pregnancy. Tom must deal with a crisis. Matt's drug habit is no longer a secret.
Two minutes to live air,
ladies and gentlemen.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please take your seats.
Let's go, huddle up, let's bring it in.
- Dylan, you nervous?
- No.
You should be, you're going on TV
in two minutes. Matty!
- Yeah.
- Show's written, put your crayons down.
- Let's bring it in!
- Herbie?
- Yes, sir?
- Studio 60, right?
- Pardon?
- You said "city" at dress.
- I said city?
- You said "Studio City."
- He knows.
- He didn't know.
- Matt likes to give you a hard time.
- This is all I can think about.
You're the announcer.
Name is all you have to think about.
Take your position.
Have a good show.
- You know, you screw him up.
- Herb, you're the best in the business.
Name of the show's
all over the building.
- Are you done?
- Yeah, go ahead.
Everybody got their notes from dress?
Keep on your toes.
We may flip the last two sketches.
- I'll make the decision after "News 60."
- "News 60" or "News City"?
I've been hearing a lot of talk...
...about ratings around here this week
and I want it out of your heads.
Ratings are the business
of the network and advertisers.
Our customer is the audience
and they are right out there.
- So let's eat them up. Whose turn is it?
- Simon.
Go.
I'm always grateful for another week
of working with you all.
I'm grateful for another opportunity
to try and do my best.
Harry, I hope you're a huge success
in the movie...
...but I am grateful your head
is back here full time.
And while I still think you and Matt are
each as dumb as a sack a doorknobs...
...we're happy
you're at least speaking to each other.
She knows which side
her bread is buttered on.
- I'll butter your head, jackass.
- Good show.
Let's go, let's go.
We're on the air in 30 seconds,
ladies and gentlemen.
Say hello to our executive producer,
Daniel Tripp.
- Good evening, how was your day?
- Hey.
Any day Hallie Galloway
doesn't try to take my job is a good day.
Why don't you two play nice?
Because you keep pitting us
against each other.
- That's right.
- Why is that, Jack?
- It gets better results.
- Yeah.
- Say, speaking of results...
- The show's about to start.
- Have you talked to him?
- Officially?
I don't know what that means.
- I talk to him a lot.
- Officially.
It's not like
he's unaware of the ratings.
I'm unaware
of what he's gonna do about it.
You either, for that matter.
If it's uncomfortable laying down the law
with your boyfriend, it's understandable.
- I can just have Hallie take care of it.
- In five, four, three...
Good afternoon.
I have a message
from the office of the vice president.
"The troop surge, our New Way Forward,
is a resounding success.
We are in the final throes of the war.
Victory is imminent and the good people
of Iraq are already planning parades...
...fireworks and pageants...
...celebrating their liberation
from sectarian insurgent forces."
I will now take questions
from the naysayers.
- Tony?
- Yes, Bill.
The additional troops aren't deployed.
- True. What's your question?
- How can the surge be a success...
...if there hasn't been a surge?
- That's just how good this plan is.
- Sim.
- Yeah.
Do you know if Tom got an e-mail
from his brother before the show?
- I don't, why?
- His parents called me.
They haven't heard from his brother
in about 48 hours.
Doesn't Mark usually e-mail Tommy
before the show?
When do we say something?
- Not during the show.
- Tony, l...
This has been the bloodiest month
of the entire war.
Jim, it's statements like that
that are demoralizing our troops.
It's the roadside
bombs that are demoralizing our troops.
But how is the surge a success
if the country has spiraled into civil war?
- Matt?
- Yeah?
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi. You're so happy to see me
you could just spit.
- What are you doing here?
- I need to talk to you.
- Show's up.
- I'd love to watch it.
- But something's come up.
- Involves me?
- Are you still the head writer?
- Yeah.
- Yes.
- Do we have to do this?
A member of the TMG board's deposed
tomorrow in New York at 8:30.
I have to prep his lawyers
in the next few hours.
I'll need to talk to Harriet Hayes.
Not while she's working, you won't.
I can wait until after the show
for Harriet.
I can be your date for the wrap party.
What did Harriet do?
Well, she's named as a witness
in the complaint.
Karen Salisbirk wrote a sketch Harriet
was in but got cut at dress.
By way of explanation, Harriet said:
"Writers' room
is a tough place for a woman."
A writers' room is a tough place
for someone who isn't a writer.
You don't seem excited about
being my date for the wrap party.
- I wore nice shoes.
- I'm trying to watch the show.
Okay.
Tony, the Joint Chiefs,
the Iraq Study Group...
...any number of generals
and a majority of American people...
...have called this strategy a failure.
Well, it's only a failure
if you call it that.
- How's it going?
- Hang on.
Next question. Herb?
Live from
Studio City on the Sunset Strip.
It's Friday night in Hollywood.
- Did he say "city"?
- Yep.
And now it's time for
"Cooking Healthy With Nicolas Cage."
Thank you, and welcome
to "Cooking Healthy With Nicolas Cage."
I had a full-body search
while traveling to the Bahamas...
...with Johnny Ramone
and a hooker named Binky.
So tonight, we'll be talking about
truffles amandine.
Caller, you're on the phone
with Nicolas Cage.
- You put on a tie for show night.
- Yeah.
- That's nice. It's old-fashioned.
- It is.
Look at the old pictures of the writers
and all my heroes wore coats and ties.
Her attorneys filed
a retaliation claim this morning.
- Do you know what that is?
- Nope.
You were called for a recommendation
by a producer named Dan Spitzer.
He had an animated comedy
picked up and he was staffing up.
Karen was in the running
for a job as a staff writer...
...and he called you about her.
Do you remember that?
I don't mean to be rude.
We're in the middle of something.
- I can wait.
- Thank you.
- Not that long.
- I get calls about staff writers.
- Everybody calls everybody.
- Remember the call from Dan?
- Yes.
- He was calling about Karen Salisbirk?
- He was calling about a few writers.
- Was one of them Karen?
- Yes.
- Then don't play around with me.
- Sorry.
- Unless it's flirting, and then that's fine.
He was calling... Hang on.
Caller, I could handle this conversation
a little easier...
...if I didn 't smell the scent
of defrosting Stouffer's lasagna...
...curling through
the freaking phone line.
- Damn it.
- They laughed.
Not enough.
You're so cute I could just put
your poster up in my dorm room.
What does that mean?
I don't know. I just say these things.
- Suzanne.
- What did you tell him?
Mary, I've never worked with Karen.
I've never met Karen Salisbirk.
All this stuff happened
before I came back here.
- What did you tell Dan Spitzer?
- That I'd never worked with her.
And...?
I told him she was fired
because she wasn't good.
And now she's suing the show.
I told him she's bad news.
And there's the retaliation claim.
She's saying you're depriving her
of future earnings.
Am I to be named as a co-defendant
in this preposterous lawsuit?
- The network's gonna pay the legal fees.
- Because I answered the phone?
- Doesn't that suck?
- Yes.
You look good in a tie, though.
That's a good one for court.
I'm gonna leave you alone for a while.
But can I ask you to consider
something very seriously?
- What?
- I honestly think...
...I'd be a really good date
for the wrap party.
This sketch is funny. I was listening to it
while I was talking to you.
I have an IQ of like 210.
It's ridiculous.
Caller, I think that recipe
would work better for you...
...if your head weren't quite
so far up your ass.
That's our show for today.
Come back next week when we put
the lie to complex carbohydrates.
This has been
"Cooking Healthy With Nicolas Cage."
We're out.
- You stuck it.
- I pushed it.
You didn't.
I went into his dressing room
and checked his e-mail.
The last one was three days ago.
- I mean, is this unusual?
- Five, four, three...
No, I mean...
No, the unit goes out but he usually...
He lets them know
when he's gonna be out of touch.
- I'm not sure it's right not to tell him.
- Nothing to tell him.
- The call from his parents?
- Not during the show.
Hey.
- Hey.
- It's going good.
- You all right?
- Yeah.
A gel burned, could you see it? Up left.
You sure?
- You seem...
- Jack's up there, he's hassling me.
Tell him to shut up
and watch the show.
- Well, I can't.
- You can.
He's the boss, Danny.
I work in the real world.
- What world do I work in?
- We'll talk about it after.
- About the ratings?
- We'll talk after.
It's about the ratings.
I asked you not to open with the war.
We'll talk about it after.
- Matty boy.
- Hey, Jack.
- You got any good Scotch?
- Help yourself.
- Hey, you know what I did today?
- No.
- I bought a company.
- Yeah?
Yeah, 5 percent of a company.
It's a small media technology group
called Dramatic Revolution.
I could use one.
Funny you should mention that.
- How funny?
- No, you're gonna like this.
They showed me a demonstration...
...of a piece of software
called Standing O...
...or Standing O 3000 or something.
It's from the same designer
who came up with Platinum Blue.
- You know what that is?
- No.
It can listen to a song and tell you
what to add or subtract to make it a hit.
- I do like the sound of this.
- It's for real.
They've plugged in the plots
from 500 successful movies...
...breaking down their elements
and bam!
They tell you your screenplay needs
a car chase here...
...a love scene there, a sidekick...
- By God, this is a dramatic revolution.
- They can do it with sketch comedy too.
They put in the best of S 60, SNL,
Monty Python, Carol Burnett...
...Sonny and Cher, Laugh-In...
What does the computer consider
to be the best of Sonny and Cher?
- Good question.
- Ratings are cyclical, Jack.
Who the hell knows
why anybody watches anything?
Well, apparently, this computer does.
Thanks for the Scotch.
We're out.
- It's going okay.
- Yeah.
You need anything?
What's wrong?
Suzanne, what's wrong?
Matt, if I ask you something,
will you promise not to fire me?
I'm not gonna fire you.
What's wrong?
Are you high right now?
How'd you know?
My mother took
20 to 30 Percocets a day.
- Oh, Suzie...
- When she woke up, she just took more.
Well, I have been... I mean, it's okay.
I was a little depressed
when Harriet started seeing Luke.
- That hit me, knocked me down a little.
- Matt...
Suzanne, you have to understand,
it's not like putting a hammer to a nail.
Writing a comedy show, you can't
be depressed while you're doing it.
You gotta have energy
and you gotta be able to feel joy.
And it's not like I can ask everybody
to sit and wait while I get over it.
I know.
As soon as we have a hiatus,
I'm gonna stop.
Okay?
My mom said that when I was 9.
And when I was 10,
she slit her wrists.
I'm fine, Suzanne.
I swear to God, I am.
Back in 20 seconds.
Does Herb know he said "Studio City"?
That was my fault.
I messed with his head a little bit.
- Okay.
- Okay.
In five, four...
Schools in Japan should rethink a ban
on corporal punishment.
Testifying before the panel...
...retired schoolteacher,
93-year-old Keiko Okubo...
...said students are better behaved...
...more studious
and less likely to be tardy...
...when she was allowed
to kick them in the face.
From the runways of Milan...
...fashion experts are predicting
the trend for next fall...
...will be leggings for men.
In my neighborhood, we had a saying,
"You go first, let's see if you get shot."
Harriet?
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi,
in an interview with...
Guy who invented it
used to be a network executive.
Head of current at CBS
for about two years.
He was vexed, you see...
...by the constant coddling
that these showrunners demand...
...and came up with this program.
He tried it first with screenplays, songs.
He tried it with teleplays.
Swears it will work with sketch comedy.
- Can I watch the show?
- Yeah.
He's averaging a 5-7-19 share.
In late night,
anybody would take that and run.
- Averaging the 5-7 over five months.
- Jack...
Excuse me, if you'll throw down
numbers and tell me what I know...
...you don't mind
if I state some facts?
He's got the 5-7 average
over five months.
Over the last two, it's 4-8/15...
...and he's this close to losing
300,000 viewers half-hour to half-hour.
We'll give time the last half-hour
of this show free with a full tank of gas.
- The critics are still...
- The critics don't pay our bills.
And the critics aren't "still" anything.
Last couple of weeks, half of them
have been beating up Matt...
...like he's an event
at the damn X Games.
You wanna talk to me?
You wanna talk to me? Talk to me.
- But this is big-boy school.
- I don't need to be told that.
I'm not insensitive to your situation.
Which is why I'm telling you,
if you want Hallie to sit down...
What's it take for you
to stop waving Hallie?
The 10,000 viewers a minute
he's losing.
- Excuse me.
- Mary, I heard you were here.
- More depo prep.
- Friday night?
Got a board member
in the morning in New York.
- Have you met Jack Rudolph?
- No. Mary Tate.
- I'm with the Gage Whitney team.
- The Karen Salisbirk thing.
Can I opt to not be a part of this
until I absolutely have to?
Yes, sir.
See how she called me "sir"
and did it in a dulcet voice?
Yes, I did.
You wanted to be kept up to speed.
- How far along are you?
- Seven months, a little more.
- Know what you're having?
- A little girl.
- We? I thought that...
- Yeah, l...
- I'm sorry.
- I meant me.
- None of my business.
- So?
- You're a lawyer.
- Yeah.
They'll amend the complaint
with a retaliatory claim.
- Defamation?
- Yeah.
Potential employer, a producer, Spitzer,
called Matt for feedback on Salisbirk.
Matt told him
she was fired for performance...
...but was suing for wrongful
termination and harassment...
...and that she was bad news.
- Wasn't he exercising free speech?
- He was.
And he's cute when he does it too.
Yeah, Matt's cute as a bug.
Give me a heads up
when he's over Harriet.
- Mary?
- Sorry.
Yeah, in California,
you're not allowed to do what he did.
He said she was fired
because of her performance.
He was asked for a recommendation.
But he didn't know that to be true,
he wasn't there. He guessed.
Matt Albie's guess in this situation
is extremely credible.
Doesn't matter. All he knows for sure
is when she started work...
...and when she stopped,
and that's all he's allowed to say.
- They've got defamation, earnings...
- That's a crazy ass law.
I know. That's what makes this
so fantastic to work on.
- Glad we could show you a good time.
- And with the con-law implications...
...this thing's an express train
to the U.S. Supreme Court.
My partners and I
would do this one for free.
But you're not. And that train's
gonna take seven years.
- So can you get us off?
- No sweat. I'm gonna watch the show.
Sure.
In a related story,
Mr. Samson 's next-door neighbor...
...has procured
the world's largest snow machine.
Thank you to our "News 60"
weather expert Tom Jeter. And finally:
According to a report by Department
of Housing and Urban Development...
...racial disparities in income,
education and home ownership persist...
...and by most measurements,
are growing.
Last year, the median income
for white households was $50,622.
For black households, it was $30,939.
And an off-the-charts sick amount
for Jews in Hollywood.
- I'm Harriet Hayes.
- And I'm Simon Stiles. That's the news.
- I said snow machine, you hear that?
- No.
I said snow machine
instead of snowblower.
There was silence
where laugh was supposed to be.
- Don't worry.
- I am worried.
- You're not the reason.
- Do more frat stuff.
- Like what?
- Catch phrases.
Anything you can sit
and chant over a beer bong.
Should open with "Thai Therapist."
That outfit.
- What is going on?
- I said snow machine. I don't...
- What is going on?
- We're talking about the show.
Did you hear Danny say he doesn't want
us talking about ratings on this stage?
- Did you hear him?
- Sim.
- I got another call from Tom's parents.
- When?
I had my cell on vibrate.
I just called them back.
They got a call from the parents
of another guy.
They haven't gotten a check-in either.
I have the worst feeling about this.
- Then keep it to yourself.
- No.
- We're telling him now.
- No, we're not.
- Simon...
- Nobody knows anything.
Unit's out working. They don't come
on the San Diego Freeway.
They come home on roads
with bombs.
What good would it do to tell him?
Maybe Tom's got a contact he can call
who's got information.
If Tom has a more advanced
information-gathering...
...and tracking system
than the Air Force, be my guest.
In addition to whatever
unnecessary fear you'll shoot into him...
...he'll have the memory
of walking through sketches...
...like a zombie on national TV
when he's heavy in the last two-thirds.
- This is where we get in trouble.
- Talking about the ratings?
- I'm talking about...
- Are you kidding me?
If there's something
they need to tell him, he'll be...
- They'll tell him.
- Okay.
And, yeah, I worry about my job.
I don't have a movie at Christmas.
Two and a half back.
Everything's all right.
- Yo, Norma Rae?
- Me?
You told Karen Salisbirk a writers' room
is a tough place for a woman?
Her sketch got cut.
I was making her feel better.
They're gonna ask you
when you were lying.
I wasn't lying. I made her feel better
by telling the truth.
- Writers' room is a tough place for a...?
- Yes.
- Why?
- Why?
Yeah.
Because fundamentally,
women are taught not to be funny.
- Because it's not attractive.
- It is to me.
- Good.
- It was attractive to Joe DiMaggio.
No, it wasn't attractive
to Joe DiMaggio, Matt.
- What's a snow machine?
- Ask Tom.
Tom!
Musical guest to the stage.
- Are you all right?
- Yeah, I just came here for a second.
Told me.
Sounded like you needed to lie down.
I'm fine. Go back downstairs.
- I got a minute.
- Go back.
I have a minute.
I've done this a couple times before.
"I asked you
not to open with the war"?
- What the hell was that?
- That?
- Yeah.
- It was a note.
From the president of the network.
I asked you not to open with the war.
Yeah, war's a bummer, huh?
Well, it used to be money in the bank.
You're the one having this argument.
I'm the one saying
go produce your show.
The one throwing my body
in front of Jack.
- We've averaged a 5-7/19 over...
- Over five months.
Over two, it's a 4-8 and the half-hours
are simply unacceptable.
- Then we need to talk about this.
- We will.
I asked you not to open with the war.
And you know what else?
You shouldn't have, but you did it.
You did it because I asked you not to.
That's just messed up. And we're taking
down a lot a good people with us.
Now get your ass back on the floor.
Back in 30. Thirty seconds live.
Ladies and gentlemen,
once again, Gran Bel Fisher.
You got me in trouble with Matt.
- Hi.
- I'm Harriet Hayes.
- I know, I'm a big fan. I'm Mary Tate.
- I know.
You're one of them troublemakers.
I am, but I work for you.
Not for me, nobody's suing me.
This band is great.
Did you wanna talk to me?
- Promised I wouldn't till after the show.
- I'm done.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
Thanks,
because they're waiting for me.
This will just take a second.
- You knew Karen Salisbirk?
- Yeah, a very little.
- She wrote a sketch you were in?
- It got cut at dress.
And you told her that a writers' room
is a tough place for a woman?
She'd just got her sketch cut.
I was making her feel better.
So you were lying to her?
- Say, "Yes, I was lying to her."
- I'm..."Lying" is a big word for me.
There's no law against telling
someone their hair looks great...
...when you think it doesn't.
- Good.
Just a law against doing it under oath.
Is the writers' room here
a tough place for a woman?
- It was then.
- Yeah?
- It's not now.
- You're not being sued now.
- I'm not being sued.
- They'll take your deposition.
- Can I call you Harriet?
- Yeah.
They'll take your deposition. These
aren't the world's greatest answers.
- How tough?
- Mary.
I am sure that Karen was fired because
she wasn't writing good material.
You're not sure and don't make
Matt's mistake and repeat that.
- How tough?
- Wes Mendell is a very good man.
I know. How tough?
Ricky and Ron ran a bad room.
You're talking about a pack mentality
of guys age 25 to 33...
...who'd never been let into the pack.
Not a lot of comedy writers
dated the prom queen.
These guys wrote to be mean.
All right. We'll talk more after?
- Sure, the party's here on-stage.
- Thanks.
- Hey, why does Matt write?
- I'm sorry?
Said the others
were writing to be mean.
Why does Matt write?
Matt writes to get people to like him.
Yeah?
It's working on you, isn't it?
Two and a half back
for "Thai Therapy" and good-nights.
- Samantha Li, Dylan Killington, places...
- It was a great show.
- Thank you.
- I didn't see you.
- It was a great show.
- What you doing?
It's for the party. Free alterations
are a great perk of this job.
- I'm showing you a little leg tonight.
- I'm all for that.
- You were great tonight.
- No, I wasn't.
- Honey...
- No, I don't know what is going on here.
You're being too hard on yourself.
You know who isn't hard
on themselves? Amateurs.
- It was a good show.
- It wasn't the one we wanted.
- You guys need to calm down.
- You know who's calm?
- Amateurs?
- Yes.
I like showing off for you.
It didn't happen tonight.
Yes, it did.
If it wasn't the show we wanted,
I'm partly to blame.
- Yeah, but you got the legs.
- True.
- What are you doing?
- What?
- What are you doing?
- We're talking.
- About ratings?
- What are you, the police?
Disabuse Tom of the idea
that he wasn't good tonight.
- Can't do it. A snow machine?
- Simon?
- I know.
- Snowblower is what's funny.
- I know that too.
- Nice dress.
- Excuse me, eyes front.
- Thank you.
Let me talk to you a second.
I am crazy about her, man.
I mean, really.
I had a bad show, people are talking
about us like we're dead.
I feel really bad and I still feel great,
and it's because of her.
Let's have a good time
and relax at the party, okay?
You and me, we've gotta enjoy
more moments in our lives.
- I agree.
- What'd you wanna say to me?
Full cast, stand by for good-nights.
- Nothing.
- What?
I can't remember.
I'll remember later. Let's go.
Coming back in five, four, three...
A heavenly Oriental odyssey awaits...
...on Far East Airport Road
next to Stuckey's.
Call Samantha Li's Thai Therapy.
Because doesn't everyone
deserve a happy ending?
That's our show, everybody.
You've been great.
Thank you to Gran Bel Fisher.
Thank you to the cast and crew.
Thanks, Danny Tripp, Matt Albie.
Thank you, Los Angeles.
Good night.
- Give them to me now.
- What?
- What are you talking about?
- The pills.
I'm a drug addict.
I have to be one the rest of my life.
I'll beat you to a bloody pulp
before I let...
- Where are the pills?
- You might wanna calm down.
Maybe I will.
What are you taking, Matt? Percocet?
Vicodin? Did you discover OxyContin?
I hope you're crushing them down.
That's what defeats the time release,
gets you high right away.
Look up hydrocodone.
Takes 200 hours to get addicted.
Taking the pills messes you up?
That's nothing compared
to not taking them.
If you do it, do it right. Get an
eight ball, cook it with baking powder.
Let it cool into a rock and smoke it.
Where are they?
- What the hell are these?
- Flintstones vitamins.
- These are Flintstones vitamins.
- I like the Bamm-Bamms.
- You got a problem with that?
- Suzanne said you were taking pills.
I was.
- Till when?
- About an hour ago.
- What have you been taking?
- Anything.
I stopped now.
I'm not writing the show
any better high than I was straight.
- You were writing it worse.
- I know that.
And you're done?
Yeah.
What are you doing?
Drinking orange juice.
Let's end the fight.
I'm sorry I told you
to get your ass back on the stage.
And I'm sorry that I said...
Or did...
I can't think of anything
I'm sorry I said or did.
It's nice when we can meet halfway.
There are times I'll have to
talk to you like a showrunner...
...and there are times
you'll have to talk to me...
...like I'm the president
of your network.
- Give me notes. Show's over.
- Danny.
Give me notes.
You're skewing urban.
Increase red state appeal.
You're skewing older, you need
to get 18 to 24 back, you need women.
- Your note is get people to watch it.
- Yes.
- They pay you?
- Shove it up your ass.
- That's how you talk to the others?
- That's how I talk to you right now.
- Why'd you open with the war?
- It was in the news.
Felt like a good cold open.
Sometimes we're wrong.
Don't think we were.
When I see your press-room set,
I know what's coming.
When I surf YouTube, I don't.
Then surf YouTube.
What do you want from me?
Excuse me, can I get
another orange juice?
- Sure.
- lf you've got a carton there, I'll take it.
- Sure.
- What's with orange juice?
I want you to stop saying,
"What do you want from me?"
You had Samantha Li at the end
of the show instead of the beginning.
- You did an entire "News 60..."
- Stop it, please.
We're losing viewers
because the show hasn't been good.
People aren't saying,
"Did you see S 60 on Friday?"
- Why?
- Time.
- What does that mean?
- Matt hasn't been writing till Wednesday.
- Why?
- I'm working on it, Jordan.
- In the meantime...
- Ma'am.
- Thank you.
- Please look at history...
...and see that this show's numbers
have always gone up.
And seriously, are you gonna drink
that whole carton?
Yeah.
Why?
I can't feel the baby kick.
- What are you talking about?
- I haven't felt her.
And if I drink orange juice,
usually I can get her to...
- Come with me.
- What?
- Come with me.
- What?
That's three hours from now.
There's nothing preliminary?
I said, there's nothing preliminary?
No early...?
I'm just talking about the East Coast.
No, I guess I don't understand.
They can tell who won an election
in two and a half minutes.
Why can't Nielsen tell us
how many...?
No, I'm not taking a tone of voice,
I ju...
Thank you. Thank you.
Why aren't ratings instantaneous?
I know you know I told Danny.
I know you know I know.
- You're gonna stop?
- I already did.
- Really?
- Yeah.
And you're not mad at me?
I'm mad at me.
You're gonna crash now, you know.
You're gonna feel terrible.
- That's what they tell me.
- It's gonna be worse than they tell you.
Your body produces serotonin
and endorphins and other things...
...that allow the brain to experience
pleasure and a sense of well-being.
When you take those pills long enough,
your body stops producing those...
...because something else already is.
- I know.
It's gonna take a while
for it to get back up to speed.
In two hours, Miss America
could stand in front of you naked...
...and hand you a Pulitzer Prize
and you'd be depressed.
Well, let's give it a try.
I'm not joking.
- Herb.
- I just looked at the tape.
I said Studio City.
You did.
Why?
Just wasn't our night.
Go enjoy the party.
I know you're not joking.
And I appreciate it.
Let me know when you have
East Coast overnights.
I will.
- Mary.
- Hi.
- How are you?
- Fine, thanks.
You know I talked to Harriet before.
It was during the show,
but it wasn't my fault, she started it.
- Anyway, she said...
- Yes.
- I'm sorry?
- I'd like you to be my date tonight.
Unless you'd like to leave
and have dinner with me.
- When did this happen?
- Right now. It's happening in real time.
No.
- No?
- You're still in love with Harriet Hayes.
- Mary...
- I've taken 9000 pages of statements.
You don't have to be a lawyer,
just a woman.
I'm starting over,
I'm moving on. I have to.
It's that or the Betty Ford Center.
- So, what do you say?
- I've heard more romantic reasons for...
Mensa lady,
I'm asking you out to dinner.
You got anything better to do?
Again, your poetry
is working its magic.
Come on.
I've gotta make the call to New York.
When I'm done...
...yeah, take me out.
- Great.
I know why you're doing this,
it's okay with me...
...because you'll find out
I'm hot stuff.
- I already think you're hot stuff.
- Oh, well, you ain't seen nothing yet.
- Why didn't you tell me?
- I didn't know when.
And you were doing a show.
What are you looking for?
We do about a hundred different
doctor sketches, there's gotta be... Here.
- You gotta be kidding.
- I'll listen for a heartbeat.
Now I've pretty much touched
the bottom of the health care industry.
- I can hear a heartbeat.
- How do you know that's not mine?
That's a good point.
I'll take you to the emergency room.
I'm not going to the emergency room.
They'll think I'm crazy.
I give you a head wound
and they can check on that.
Here, let's go.
- I need to talk to you.
- We can't talk about ratings.
This isn't about ratings.
There's breaking news.
And we're going on with it
in about three minutes.
- Simon.
- Hey.
Where's Tom?
- Relaxing, celebrating because lately...
- Where is he?
- What happened?
- Know where he is?
Three American soldiers were ambushed
on a road in Paktika, Afghanistan.
One of them is Mark Jeter.
- AI Jazeera...
- Is he dead?
- He's a hostage.
- There's some graphic video...
He's up on the roof.
Nielsen finally decided
to put boxes in college dorms.
You know how many?
A hundred and thirty-five.
A hundred and thirty-five college
students are pretty heavily involved...
...with our career right this minute,
but I'm happy anyway.
Because of my legs.
I was gonna say something nicer,
but, yeah, your legs.
And can I just add that "snowblower"
isn't a hard word to say?
I've said it many times without
any sort of problem. Snowblower.
I just said it right there. Snowblower.
Pretty easy.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Tom, we have a car that's gonna
take you to our newsroom where... Tom!
That's him. In the middle.
They said their names.
It doesn't look like him.
He was beaten up.
There could be another Mark Jeter.
Staff sergeant, First Expeditionary
Red Horse Squadron out of Bagram.
These things turn out okay.
They say they're demanding...
Tom.
- Oh, my God.
- All right.
We're taking you to the L.A. bureau.
You'll know everything
the moment network news does.
A plane is picking
your parents up now.
Where would you like it
to take them? Here or New York?
- Here, please.
- Let's go.
- God, that guy's holding an ax.
- Come on, come on.
Billie.
- Had anything to drink at the party yet?
- No.
Drive Jordan to the Hollywood Memorial
Emergency Room.
She'll tell you why on the way.
Let's go.
- Call as soon as you get there.
- Call if you hear anything.
Yeah, yeah. Go.
What do you wanna do now?
Stay right here. Have Suzanne
quietly bring the cast together.
Why is Jordan going to the hospital?
She can't feel the baby kick.
- Are you all right?
- Yeah.
Are you?
Yeah.
But the first person who talks to me
about tonight's ratings is fired.
ladies and gentlemen.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please take your seats.
Let's go, huddle up, let's bring it in.
- Dylan, you nervous?
- No.
You should be, you're going on TV
in two minutes. Matty!
- Yeah.
- Show's written, put your crayons down.
- Let's bring it in!
- Herbie?
- Yes, sir?
- Studio 60, right?
- Pardon?
- You said "city" at dress.
- I said city?
- You said "Studio City."
- He knows.
- He didn't know.
- Matt likes to give you a hard time.
- This is all I can think about.
You're the announcer.
Name is all you have to think about.
Take your position.
Have a good show.
- You know, you screw him up.
- Herb, you're the best in the business.
Name of the show's
all over the building.
- Are you done?
- Yeah, go ahead.
Everybody got their notes from dress?
Keep on your toes.
We may flip the last two sketches.
- I'll make the decision after "News 60."
- "News 60" or "News City"?
I've been hearing a lot of talk...
...about ratings around here this week
and I want it out of your heads.
Ratings are the business
of the network and advertisers.
Our customer is the audience
and they are right out there.
- So let's eat them up. Whose turn is it?
- Simon.
Go.
I'm always grateful for another week
of working with you all.
I'm grateful for another opportunity
to try and do my best.
Harry, I hope you're a huge success
in the movie...
...but I am grateful your head
is back here full time.
And while I still think you and Matt are
each as dumb as a sack a doorknobs...
...we're happy
you're at least speaking to each other.
She knows which side
her bread is buttered on.
- I'll butter your head, jackass.
- Good show.
Let's go, let's go.
We're on the air in 30 seconds,
ladies and gentlemen.
Say hello to our executive producer,
Daniel Tripp.
- Good evening, how was your day?
- Hey.
Any day Hallie Galloway
doesn't try to take my job is a good day.
Why don't you two play nice?
Because you keep pitting us
against each other.
- That's right.
- Why is that, Jack?
- It gets better results.
- Yeah.
- Say, speaking of results...
- The show's about to start.
- Have you talked to him?
- Officially?
I don't know what that means.
- I talk to him a lot.
- Officially.
It's not like
he's unaware of the ratings.
I'm unaware
of what he's gonna do about it.
You either, for that matter.
If it's uncomfortable laying down the law
with your boyfriend, it's understandable.
- I can just have Hallie take care of it.
- In five, four, three...
Good afternoon.
I have a message
from the office of the vice president.
"The troop surge, our New Way Forward,
is a resounding success.
We are in the final throes of the war.
Victory is imminent and the good people
of Iraq are already planning parades...
...fireworks and pageants...
...celebrating their liberation
from sectarian insurgent forces."
I will now take questions
from the naysayers.
- Tony?
- Yes, Bill.
The additional troops aren't deployed.
- True. What's your question?
- How can the surge be a success...
...if there hasn't been a surge?
- That's just how good this plan is.
- Sim.
- Yeah.
Do you know if Tom got an e-mail
from his brother before the show?
- I don't, why?
- His parents called me.
They haven't heard from his brother
in about 48 hours.
Doesn't Mark usually e-mail Tommy
before the show?
When do we say something?
- Not during the show.
- Tony, l...
This has been the bloodiest month
of the entire war.
Jim, it's statements like that
that are demoralizing our troops.
It's the roadside
bombs that are demoralizing our troops.
But how is the surge a success
if the country has spiraled into civil war?
- Matt?
- Yeah?
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi. You're so happy to see me
you could just spit.
- What are you doing here?
- I need to talk to you.
- Show's up.
- I'd love to watch it.
- But something's come up.
- Involves me?
- Are you still the head writer?
- Yeah.
- Yes.
- Do we have to do this?
A member of the TMG board's deposed
tomorrow in New York at 8:30.
I have to prep his lawyers
in the next few hours.
I'll need to talk to Harriet Hayes.
Not while she's working, you won't.
I can wait until after the show
for Harriet.
I can be your date for the wrap party.
What did Harriet do?
Well, she's named as a witness
in the complaint.
Karen Salisbirk wrote a sketch Harriet
was in but got cut at dress.
By way of explanation, Harriet said:
"Writers' room
is a tough place for a woman."
A writers' room is a tough place
for someone who isn't a writer.
You don't seem excited about
being my date for the wrap party.
- I wore nice shoes.
- I'm trying to watch the show.
Okay.
Tony, the Joint Chiefs,
the Iraq Study Group...
...any number of generals
and a majority of American people...
...have called this strategy a failure.
Well, it's only a failure
if you call it that.
- How's it going?
- Hang on.
Next question. Herb?
Live from
Studio City on the Sunset Strip.
It's Friday night in Hollywood.
- Did he say "city"?
- Yep.
And now it's time for
"Cooking Healthy With Nicolas Cage."
Thank you, and welcome
to "Cooking Healthy With Nicolas Cage."
I had a full-body search
while traveling to the Bahamas...
...with Johnny Ramone
and a hooker named Binky.
So tonight, we'll be talking about
truffles amandine.
Caller, you're on the phone
with Nicolas Cage.
- You put on a tie for show night.
- Yeah.
- That's nice. It's old-fashioned.
- It is.
Look at the old pictures of the writers
and all my heroes wore coats and ties.
Her attorneys filed
a retaliation claim this morning.
- Do you know what that is?
- Nope.
You were called for a recommendation
by a producer named Dan Spitzer.
He had an animated comedy
picked up and he was staffing up.
Karen was in the running
for a job as a staff writer...
...and he called you about her.
Do you remember that?
I don't mean to be rude.
We're in the middle of something.
- I can wait.
- Thank you.
- Not that long.
- I get calls about staff writers.
- Everybody calls everybody.
- Remember the call from Dan?
- Yes.
- He was calling about Karen Salisbirk?
- He was calling about a few writers.
- Was one of them Karen?
- Yes.
- Then don't play around with me.
- Sorry.
- Unless it's flirting, and then that's fine.
He was calling... Hang on.
Caller, I could handle this conversation
a little easier...
...if I didn 't smell the scent
of defrosting Stouffer's lasagna...
...curling through
the freaking phone line.
- Damn it.
- They laughed.
Not enough.
You're so cute I could just put
your poster up in my dorm room.
What does that mean?
I don't know. I just say these things.
- Suzanne.
- What did you tell him?
Mary, I've never worked with Karen.
I've never met Karen Salisbirk.
All this stuff happened
before I came back here.
- What did you tell Dan Spitzer?
- That I'd never worked with her.
And...?
I told him she was fired
because she wasn't good.
And now she's suing the show.
I told him she's bad news.
And there's the retaliation claim.
She's saying you're depriving her
of future earnings.
Am I to be named as a co-defendant
in this preposterous lawsuit?
- The network's gonna pay the legal fees.
- Because I answered the phone?
- Doesn't that suck?
- Yes.
You look good in a tie, though.
That's a good one for court.
I'm gonna leave you alone for a while.
But can I ask you to consider
something very seriously?
- What?
- I honestly think...
...I'd be a really good date
for the wrap party.
This sketch is funny. I was listening to it
while I was talking to you.
I have an IQ of like 210.
It's ridiculous.
Caller, I think that recipe
would work better for you...
...if your head weren't quite
so far up your ass.
That's our show for today.
Come back next week when we put
the lie to complex carbohydrates.
This has been
"Cooking Healthy With Nicolas Cage."
We're out.
- You stuck it.
- I pushed it.
You didn't.
I went into his dressing room
and checked his e-mail.
The last one was three days ago.
- I mean, is this unusual?
- Five, four, three...
No, I mean...
No, the unit goes out but he usually...
He lets them know
when he's gonna be out of touch.
- I'm not sure it's right not to tell him.
- Nothing to tell him.
- The call from his parents?
- Not during the show.
Hey.
- Hey.
- It's going good.
- You all right?
- Yeah.
A gel burned, could you see it? Up left.
You sure?
- You seem...
- Jack's up there, he's hassling me.
Tell him to shut up
and watch the show.
- Well, I can't.
- You can.
He's the boss, Danny.
I work in the real world.
- What world do I work in?
- We'll talk about it after.
- About the ratings?
- We'll talk after.
It's about the ratings.
I asked you not to open with the war.
We'll talk about it after.
- Matty boy.
- Hey, Jack.
- You got any good Scotch?
- Help yourself.
- Hey, you know what I did today?
- No.
- I bought a company.
- Yeah?
Yeah, 5 percent of a company.
It's a small media technology group
called Dramatic Revolution.
I could use one.
Funny you should mention that.
- How funny?
- No, you're gonna like this.
They showed me a demonstration...
...of a piece of software
called Standing O...
...or Standing O 3000 or something.
It's from the same designer
who came up with Platinum Blue.
- You know what that is?
- No.
It can listen to a song and tell you
what to add or subtract to make it a hit.
- I do like the sound of this.
- It's for real.
They've plugged in the plots
from 500 successful movies...
...breaking down their elements
and bam!
They tell you your screenplay needs
a car chase here...
...a love scene there, a sidekick...
- By God, this is a dramatic revolution.
- They can do it with sketch comedy too.
They put in the best of S 60, SNL,
Monty Python, Carol Burnett...
...Sonny and Cher, Laugh-In...
What does the computer consider
to be the best of Sonny and Cher?
- Good question.
- Ratings are cyclical, Jack.
Who the hell knows
why anybody watches anything?
Well, apparently, this computer does.
Thanks for the Scotch.
We're out.
- It's going okay.
- Yeah.
You need anything?
What's wrong?
Suzanne, what's wrong?
Matt, if I ask you something,
will you promise not to fire me?
I'm not gonna fire you.
What's wrong?
Are you high right now?
How'd you know?
My mother took
20 to 30 Percocets a day.
- Oh, Suzie...
- When she woke up, she just took more.
Well, I have been... I mean, it's okay.
I was a little depressed
when Harriet started seeing Luke.
- That hit me, knocked me down a little.
- Matt...
Suzanne, you have to understand,
it's not like putting a hammer to a nail.
Writing a comedy show, you can't
be depressed while you're doing it.
You gotta have energy
and you gotta be able to feel joy.
And it's not like I can ask everybody
to sit and wait while I get over it.
I know.
As soon as we have a hiatus,
I'm gonna stop.
Okay?
My mom said that when I was 9.
And when I was 10,
she slit her wrists.
I'm fine, Suzanne.
I swear to God, I am.
Back in 20 seconds.
Does Herb know he said "Studio City"?
That was my fault.
I messed with his head a little bit.
- Okay.
- Okay.
In five, four...
Schools in Japan should rethink a ban
on corporal punishment.
Testifying before the panel...
...retired schoolteacher,
93-year-old Keiko Okubo...
...said students are better behaved...
...more studious
and less likely to be tardy...
...when she was allowed
to kick them in the face.
From the runways of Milan...
...fashion experts are predicting
the trend for next fall...
...will be leggings for men.
In my neighborhood, we had a saying,
"You go first, let's see if you get shot."
Harriet?
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi,
in an interview with...
Guy who invented it
used to be a network executive.
Head of current at CBS
for about two years.
He was vexed, you see...
...by the constant coddling
that these showrunners demand...
...and came up with this program.
He tried it first with screenplays, songs.
He tried it with teleplays.
Swears it will work with sketch comedy.
- Can I watch the show?
- Yeah.
He's averaging a 5-7-19 share.
In late night,
anybody would take that and run.
- Averaging the 5-7 over five months.
- Jack...
Excuse me, if you'll throw down
numbers and tell me what I know...
...you don't mind
if I state some facts?
He's got the 5-7 average
over five months.
Over the last two, it's 4-8/15...
...and he's this close to losing
300,000 viewers half-hour to half-hour.
We'll give time the last half-hour
of this show free with a full tank of gas.
- The critics are still...
- The critics don't pay our bills.
And the critics aren't "still" anything.
Last couple of weeks, half of them
have been beating up Matt...
...like he's an event
at the damn X Games.
You wanna talk to me?
You wanna talk to me? Talk to me.
- But this is big-boy school.
- I don't need to be told that.
I'm not insensitive to your situation.
Which is why I'm telling you,
if you want Hallie to sit down...
What's it take for you
to stop waving Hallie?
The 10,000 viewers a minute
he's losing.
- Excuse me.
- Mary, I heard you were here.
- More depo prep.
- Friday night?
Got a board member
in the morning in New York.
- Have you met Jack Rudolph?
- No. Mary Tate.
- I'm with the Gage Whitney team.
- The Karen Salisbirk thing.
Can I opt to not be a part of this
until I absolutely have to?
Yes, sir.
See how she called me "sir"
and did it in a dulcet voice?
Yes, I did.
You wanted to be kept up to speed.
- How far along are you?
- Seven months, a little more.
- Know what you're having?
- A little girl.
- We? I thought that...
- Yeah, l...
- I'm sorry.
- I meant me.
- None of my business.
- So?
- You're a lawyer.
- Yeah.
They'll amend the complaint
with a retaliatory claim.
- Defamation?
- Yeah.
Potential employer, a producer, Spitzer,
called Matt for feedback on Salisbirk.
Matt told him
she was fired for performance...
...but was suing for wrongful
termination and harassment...
...and that she was bad news.
- Wasn't he exercising free speech?
- He was.
And he's cute when he does it too.
Yeah, Matt's cute as a bug.
Give me a heads up
when he's over Harriet.
- Mary?
- Sorry.
Yeah, in California,
you're not allowed to do what he did.
He said she was fired
because of her performance.
He was asked for a recommendation.
But he didn't know that to be true,
he wasn't there. He guessed.
Matt Albie's guess in this situation
is extremely credible.
Doesn't matter. All he knows for sure
is when she started work...
...and when she stopped,
and that's all he's allowed to say.
- They've got defamation, earnings...
- That's a crazy ass law.
I know. That's what makes this
so fantastic to work on.
- Glad we could show you a good time.
- And with the con-law implications...
...this thing's an express train
to the U.S. Supreme Court.
My partners and I
would do this one for free.
But you're not. And that train's
gonna take seven years.
- So can you get us off?
- No sweat. I'm gonna watch the show.
Sure.
In a related story,
Mr. Samson 's next-door neighbor...
...has procured
the world's largest snow machine.
Thank you to our "News 60"
weather expert Tom Jeter. And finally:
According to a report by Department
of Housing and Urban Development...
...racial disparities in income,
education and home ownership persist...
...and by most measurements,
are growing.
Last year, the median income
for white households was $50,622.
For black households, it was $30,939.
And an off-the-charts sick amount
for Jews in Hollywood.
- I'm Harriet Hayes.
- And I'm Simon Stiles. That's the news.
- I said snow machine, you hear that?
- No.
I said snow machine
instead of snowblower.
There was silence
where laugh was supposed to be.
- Don't worry.
- I am worried.
- You're not the reason.
- Do more frat stuff.
- Like what?
- Catch phrases.
Anything you can sit
and chant over a beer bong.
Should open with "Thai Therapist."
That outfit.
- What is going on?
- I said snow machine. I don't...
- What is going on?
- We're talking about the show.
Did you hear Danny say he doesn't want
us talking about ratings on this stage?
- Did you hear him?
- Sim.
- I got another call from Tom's parents.
- When?
I had my cell on vibrate.
I just called them back.
They got a call from the parents
of another guy.
They haven't gotten a check-in either.
I have the worst feeling about this.
- Then keep it to yourself.
- No.
- We're telling him now.
- No, we're not.
- Simon...
- Nobody knows anything.
Unit's out working. They don't come
on the San Diego Freeway.
They come home on roads
with bombs.
What good would it do to tell him?
Maybe Tom's got a contact he can call
who's got information.
If Tom has a more advanced
information-gathering...
...and tracking system
than the Air Force, be my guest.
In addition to whatever
unnecessary fear you'll shoot into him...
...he'll have the memory
of walking through sketches...
...like a zombie on national TV
when he's heavy in the last two-thirds.
- This is where we get in trouble.
- Talking about the ratings?
- I'm talking about...
- Are you kidding me?
If there's something
they need to tell him, he'll be...
- They'll tell him.
- Okay.
And, yeah, I worry about my job.
I don't have a movie at Christmas.
Two and a half back.
Everything's all right.
- Yo, Norma Rae?
- Me?
You told Karen Salisbirk a writers' room
is a tough place for a woman?
Her sketch got cut.
I was making her feel better.
They're gonna ask you
when you were lying.
I wasn't lying. I made her feel better
by telling the truth.
- Writers' room is a tough place for a...?
- Yes.
- Why?
- Why?
Yeah.
Because fundamentally,
women are taught not to be funny.
- Because it's not attractive.
- It is to me.
- Good.
- It was attractive to Joe DiMaggio.
No, it wasn't attractive
to Joe DiMaggio, Matt.
- What's a snow machine?
- Ask Tom.
Tom!
Musical guest to the stage.
- Are you all right?
- Yeah, I just came here for a second.
Told me.
Sounded like you needed to lie down.
I'm fine. Go back downstairs.
- I got a minute.
- Go back.
I have a minute.
I've done this a couple times before.
"I asked you
not to open with the war"?
- What the hell was that?
- That?
- Yeah.
- It was a note.
From the president of the network.
I asked you not to open with the war.
Yeah, war's a bummer, huh?
Well, it used to be money in the bank.
You're the one having this argument.
I'm the one saying
go produce your show.
The one throwing my body
in front of Jack.
- We've averaged a 5-7/19 over...
- Over five months.
Over two, it's a 4-8 and the half-hours
are simply unacceptable.
- Then we need to talk about this.
- We will.
I asked you not to open with the war.
And you know what else?
You shouldn't have, but you did it.
You did it because I asked you not to.
That's just messed up. And we're taking
down a lot a good people with us.
Now get your ass back on the floor.
Back in 30. Thirty seconds live.
Ladies and gentlemen,
once again, Gran Bel Fisher.
You got me in trouble with Matt.
- Hi.
- I'm Harriet Hayes.
- I know, I'm a big fan. I'm Mary Tate.
- I know.
You're one of them troublemakers.
I am, but I work for you.
Not for me, nobody's suing me.
This band is great.
Did you wanna talk to me?
- Promised I wouldn't till after the show.
- I'm done.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
Thanks,
because they're waiting for me.
This will just take a second.
- You knew Karen Salisbirk?
- Yeah, a very little.
- She wrote a sketch you were in?
- It got cut at dress.
And you told her that a writers' room
is a tough place for a woman?
She'd just got her sketch cut.
I was making her feel better.
So you were lying to her?
- Say, "Yes, I was lying to her."
- I'm..."Lying" is a big word for me.
There's no law against telling
someone their hair looks great...
...when you think it doesn't.
- Good.
Just a law against doing it under oath.
Is the writers' room here
a tough place for a woman?
- It was then.
- Yeah?
- It's not now.
- You're not being sued now.
- I'm not being sued.
- They'll take your deposition.
- Can I call you Harriet?
- Yeah.
They'll take your deposition. These
aren't the world's greatest answers.
- How tough?
- Mary.
I am sure that Karen was fired because
she wasn't writing good material.
You're not sure and don't make
Matt's mistake and repeat that.
- How tough?
- Wes Mendell is a very good man.
I know. How tough?
Ricky and Ron ran a bad room.
You're talking about a pack mentality
of guys age 25 to 33...
...who'd never been let into the pack.
Not a lot of comedy writers
dated the prom queen.
These guys wrote to be mean.
All right. We'll talk more after?
- Sure, the party's here on-stage.
- Thanks.
- Hey, why does Matt write?
- I'm sorry?
Said the others
were writing to be mean.
Why does Matt write?
Matt writes to get people to like him.
Yeah?
It's working on you, isn't it?
Two and a half back
for "Thai Therapy" and good-nights.
- Samantha Li, Dylan Killington, places...
- It was a great show.
- Thank you.
- I didn't see you.
- It was a great show.
- What you doing?
It's for the party. Free alterations
are a great perk of this job.
- I'm showing you a little leg tonight.
- I'm all for that.
- You were great tonight.
- No, I wasn't.
- Honey...
- No, I don't know what is going on here.
You're being too hard on yourself.
You know who isn't hard
on themselves? Amateurs.
- It was a good show.
- It wasn't the one we wanted.
- You guys need to calm down.
- You know who's calm?
- Amateurs?
- Yes.
I like showing off for you.
It didn't happen tonight.
Yes, it did.
If it wasn't the show we wanted,
I'm partly to blame.
- Yeah, but you got the legs.
- True.
- What are you doing?
- What?
- What are you doing?
- We're talking.
- About ratings?
- What are you, the police?
Disabuse Tom of the idea
that he wasn't good tonight.
- Can't do it. A snow machine?
- Simon?
- I know.
- Snowblower is what's funny.
- I know that too.
- Nice dress.
- Excuse me, eyes front.
- Thank you.
Let me talk to you a second.
I am crazy about her, man.
I mean, really.
I had a bad show, people are talking
about us like we're dead.
I feel really bad and I still feel great,
and it's because of her.
Let's have a good time
and relax at the party, okay?
You and me, we've gotta enjoy
more moments in our lives.
- I agree.
- What'd you wanna say to me?
Full cast, stand by for good-nights.
- Nothing.
- What?
I can't remember.
I'll remember later. Let's go.
Coming back in five, four, three...
A heavenly Oriental odyssey awaits...
...on Far East Airport Road
next to Stuckey's.
Call Samantha Li's Thai Therapy.
Because doesn't everyone
deserve a happy ending?
That's our show, everybody.
You've been great.
Thank you to Gran Bel Fisher.
Thank you to the cast and crew.
Thanks, Danny Tripp, Matt Albie.
Thank you, Los Angeles.
Good night.
- Give them to me now.
- What?
- What are you talking about?
- The pills.
I'm a drug addict.
I have to be one the rest of my life.
I'll beat you to a bloody pulp
before I let...
- Where are the pills?
- You might wanna calm down.
Maybe I will.
What are you taking, Matt? Percocet?
Vicodin? Did you discover OxyContin?
I hope you're crushing them down.
That's what defeats the time release,
gets you high right away.
Look up hydrocodone.
Takes 200 hours to get addicted.
Taking the pills messes you up?
That's nothing compared
to not taking them.
If you do it, do it right. Get an
eight ball, cook it with baking powder.
Let it cool into a rock and smoke it.
Where are they?
- What the hell are these?
- Flintstones vitamins.
- These are Flintstones vitamins.
- I like the Bamm-Bamms.
- You got a problem with that?
- Suzanne said you were taking pills.
I was.
- Till when?
- About an hour ago.
- What have you been taking?
- Anything.
I stopped now.
I'm not writing the show
any better high than I was straight.
- You were writing it worse.
- I know that.
And you're done?
Yeah.
What are you doing?
Drinking orange juice.
Let's end the fight.
I'm sorry I told you
to get your ass back on the stage.
And I'm sorry that I said...
Or did...
I can't think of anything
I'm sorry I said or did.
It's nice when we can meet halfway.
There are times I'll have to
talk to you like a showrunner...
...and there are times
you'll have to talk to me...
...like I'm the president
of your network.
- Give me notes. Show's over.
- Danny.
Give me notes.
You're skewing urban.
Increase red state appeal.
You're skewing older, you need
to get 18 to 24 back, you need women.
- Your note is get people to watch it.
- Yes.
- They pay you?
- Shove it up your ass.
- That's how you talk to the others?
- That's how I talk to you right now.
- Why'd you open with the war?
- It was in the news.
Felt like a good cold open.
Sometimes we're wrong.
Don't think we were.
When I see your press-room set,
I know what's coming.
When I surf YouTube, I don't.
Then surf YouTube.
What do you want from me?
Excuse me, can I get
another orange juice?
- Sure.
- lf you've got a carton there, I'll take it.
- Sure.
- What's with orange juice?
I want you to stop saying,
"What do you want from me?"
You had Samantha Li at the end
of the show instead of the beginning.
- You did an entire "News 60..."
- Stop it, please.
We're losing viewers
because the show hasn't been good.
People aren't saying,
"Did you see S 60 on Friday?"
- Why?
- Time.
- What does that mean?
- Matt hasn't been writing till Wednesday.
- Why?
- I'm working on it, Jordan.
- In the meantime...
- Ma'am.
- Thank you.
- Please look at history...
...and see that this show's numbers
have always gone up.
And seriously, are you gonna drink
that whole carton?
Yeah.
Why?
I can't feel the baby kick.
- What are you talking about?
- I haven't felt her.
And if I drink orange juice,
usually I can get her to...
- Come with me.
- What?
- Come with me.
- What?
That's three hours from now.
There's nothing preliminary?
I said, there's nothing preliminary?
No early...?
I'm just talking about the East Coast.
No, I guess I don't understand.
They can tell who won an election
in two and a half minutes.
Why can't Nielsen tell us
how many...?
No, I'm not taking a tone of voice,
I ju...
Thank you. Thank you.
Why aren't ratings instantaneous?
I know you know I told Danny.
I know you know I know.
- You're gonna stop?
- I already did.
- Really?
- Yeah.
And you're not mad at me?
I'm mad at me.
You're gonna crash now, you know.
You're gonna feel terrible.
- That's what they tell me.
- It's gonna be worse than they tell you.
Your body produces serotonin
and endorphins and other things...
...that allow the brain to experience
pleasure and a sense of well-being.
When you take those pills long enough,
your body stops producing those...
...because something else already is.
- I know.
It's gonna take a while
for it to get back up to speed.
In two hours, Miss America
could stand in front of you naked...
...and hand you a Pulitzer Prize
and you'd be depressed.
Well, let's give it a try.
I'm not joking.
- Herb.
- I just looked at the tape.
I said Studio City.
You did.
Why?
Just wasn't our night.
Go enjoy the party.
I know you're not joking.
And I appreciate it.
Let me know when you have
East Coast overnights.
I will.
- Mary.
- Hi.
- How are you?
- Fine, thanks.
You know I talked to Harriet before.
It was during the show,
but it wasn't my fault, she started it.
- Anyway, she said...
- Yes.
- I'm sorry?
- I'd like you to be my date tonight.
Unless you'd like to leave
and have dinner with me.
- When did this happen?
- Right now. It's happening in real time.
No.
- No?
- You're still in love with Harriet Hayes.
- Mary...
- I've taken 9000 pages of statements.
You don't have to be a lawyer,
just a woman.
I'm starting over,
I'm moving on. I have to.
It's that or the Betty Ford Center.
- So, what do you say?
- I've heard more romantic reasons for...
Mensa lady,
I'm asking you out to dinner.
You got anything better to do?
Again, your poetry
is working its magic.
Come on.
I've gotta make the call to New York.
When I'm done...
...yeah, take me out.
- Great.
I know why you're doing this,
it's okay with me...
...because you'll find out
I'm hot stuff.
- I already think you're hot stuff.
- Oh, well, you ain't seen nothing yet.
- Why didn't you tell me?
- I didn't know when.
And you were doing a show.
What are you looking for?
We do about a hundred different
doctor sketches, there's gotta be... Here.
- You gotta be kidding.
- I'll listen for a heartbeat.
Now I've pretty much touched
the bottom of the health care industry.
- I can hear a heartbeat.
- How do you know that's not mine?
That's a good point.
I'll take you to the emergency room.
I'm not going to the emergency room.
They'll think I'm crazy.
I give you a head wound
and they can check on that.
Here, let's go.
- I need to talk to you.
- We can't talk about ratings.
This isn't about ratings.
There's breaking news.
And we're going on with it
in about three minutes.
- Simon.
- Hey.
Where's Tom?
- Relaxing, celebrating because lately...
- Where is he?
- What happened?
- Know where he is?
Three American soldiers were ambushed
on a road in Paktika, Afghanistan.
One of them is Mark Jeter.
- AI Jazeera...
- Is he dead?
- He's a hostage.
- There's some graphic video...
He's up on the roof.
Nielsen finally decided
to put boxes in college dorms.
You know how many?
A hundred and thirty-five.
A hundred and thirty-five college
students are pretty heavily involved...
...with our career right this minute,
but I'm happy anyway.
Because of my legs.
I was gonna say something nicer,
but, yeah, your legs.
And can I just add that "snowblower"
isn't a hard word to say?
I've said it many times without
any sort of problem. Snowblower.
I just said it right there. Snowblower.
Pretty easy.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Tom, we have a car that's gonna
take you to our newsroom where... Tom!
That's him. In the middle.
They said their names.
It doesn't look like him.
He was beaten up.
There could be another Mark Jeter.
Staff sergeant, First Expeditionary
Red Horse Squadron out of Bagram.
These things turn out okay.
They say they're demanding...
Tom.
- Oh, my God.
- All right.
We're taking you to the L.A. bureau.
You'll know everything
the moment network news does.
A plane is picking
your parents up now.
Where would you like it
to take them? Here or New York?
- Here, please.
- Let's go.
- God, that guy's holding an ax.
- Come on, come on.
Billie.
- Had anything to drink at the party yet?
- No.
Drive Jordan to the Hollywood Memorial
Emergency Room.
She'll tell you why on the way.
Let's go.
- Call as soon as you get there.
- Call if you hear anything.
Yeah, yeah. Go.
What do you wanna do now?
Stay right here. Have Suzanne
quietly bring the cast together.
Why is Jordan going to the hospital?
She can't feel the baby kick.
- Are you all right?
- Yeah.
Are you?
Yeah.
But the first person who talks to me
about tonight's ratings is fired.