Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (2006–2007): Season 1, Episode 17 - The Disaster Show - full transcript
When the prop men and cue card holders go out on strike just before show time, chaos reigns on the set. Guest host Allison Janney hasn't quite memorized her lines, and it shows. Props aren't in the right place, sound effects and sight gags go off at the wrong time, and the cast and crew struggle to get through the show. Meanwhile a 'phoned in bomb threat complicates matters.
Hi from Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.
It's Friday night in Hollywood.
I've been watching it all this week...
and I got to tell you I love what I see.
You're back.
Yeah. You're a sight for sore eyes.
What do we got?
We have a year in review theme.
Is there a sketch you feel
like you can cut right now?
You can cut "Immaculate My Ass" HBO's
"Ho, Ho, Ho's", and "Hookers with the Pole".
The Nicholas Cage Show.
- Militant Fruit of the Loom.
- I can take that.
You calling me Mongango.
Don't throw up.
He's saying, "Heil Hitler".
I think you're
reading too much into it.
He's giving the Nazi salute.
Now that you said it
that's all I can see.
It's all anybody can see.
It's a great studio with
an incredible history-
the people who have had
this stage. You like it?
Yeah.
Good. 'Cause we live here now.
This is not the comedy we
intended to do when the week began.
THE DISASTER SHOW
It's going to be fine.
- Really?
- Yeah, sure.
'Cause it sounds like a calamity, Cal.
Nah, it's fine.
It's a catastrophe.
- I think it could be fun.
- How?
You'll have a story to tell.
I'll have a story to tell about how I was the
guest host of a catastrophic, calamitous calamity.
It's going to be great on the
talk shows. The house is open...
You knock 'em dead you
unbelievable beauty.
- I hate you.
- No problem.
What is...
Cal.
- Cal!
- Yeah?
Jenny, keep the band playing.
There's not gonna be a warm up.
Yes, sir.
***
What's going on?
Um...
You all know what a wildcat strike is.
Really?
You don't know what a wild
- all right, well...
you're about to live through one.
Local 44 of the Propmasters' Union-
their contract expires at midnight
tonight, but our guys decided to walk out early.
- When?
- Ten minutes ago.
Our prop guys walked out? They did.
I can't hear you if
you all talk at once.
Why?!
- 'Kay I heard that.
- Why?
Well, Danny was talking about the contract
negotiations and he got frustrated
and he said something a little impolitic
that may have been interpreted the wrong way.
What did he say?
He said, "For the love of God, you're
just prop guys, you're easily replaceable.
- " Oh, my...
- Why would he do that?
So they decided to test us on
that theory. The house is open.
Crew, take your pre
- show positions.
Cast, follow me.
Cal, I shoot a gun in a sketch.
- And he shoots it at me.
- The gun will be there.
I'm sure it will, I just
want it to not have bullets.
- I'll aim low.
- That doesn't make me feel better.
As you can see, all of your props are pre
- set on the prop table the way they always are.
Hang on, we're not crossing any
picket line or anything, are we?
Absolutely not. We're all union
guys here, we will not- any of us-
perform the job of a
prop master tonight.
They've already been built, and painted, they've
all been laid out in the exact running order,
you just need to pick
'em up off this table.
Damn.
All right, if anything
you needed just broke,
then go to the prop room and
find a suitable substitute.
We have anything you
need in the prop room.
- Question.
- Yeah.
Where's the prop room?
It's behind the
voice-over booth.
I think they moved that
a couple of months ago.
- It's left of Tunnel One.
- That's crafts service now.
You guys don't know where
your props come from?
They come from the prop guys, Cal.
Well, now they're right
here on the floor.
- What about the cards?
- What about 'em?
The cue cards. The cue card guys
belong to the Propmasters' Union.
- Really?
- Yes.
Danny's insult was
just to the prop guys.
I'm sure the cue card guys didn't
take offense at what he said.
You guys have a good show.
And shove these up your ass.
Well... now we got
ourselves a ball game.
- =The Last Fantasy=-
Proudly Presents
??ɽͯ??
- =www.eastgame. net=-
So, do me a favor.
Just so they can get a sound level upstairs.
******
Now *******
Two minutes to *****. Two minutes.
Okay, here we go.
Stay with me, baby.
Allison! Allison, my friend.
Cal.
This union thing, is not going to
affect the cue card guys, is it?
No.
'Cause the cue card guys are
part of the Propmasters' Union.
That's a good union.
I'm a union guy myself.
What was Danny thinking?
Oh, people do funny things
when they're hungry.
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
He's on the phone with the union
reps trying to make it better.
- In the meantime...
- I want to break his neck.
Well, I would think the Teamsters out in the parking
lot are probably slashing his tires if that helps.
- A little.
- In the meantime...
- It's not going to affect the cards?
- Nooo.
'Cause I barely know the
monologue, there wasn't time to...
The cards are fine. Patrick
gonna fit you with an ear wig.
Why?
So I can talk to you from
the booth if I need to.
Why would you need to?
Well, the timings are a little funny tonight, I
might need you to cut something or fill.
Can't Danny just hand
signal me from his chair?
I'll tell you, uh, the lights from the
30's on the low deck are coming in
at what they call a
photonically saturating angle.
- Did you just make that up?
- No. Patrick?
You've worn one before.
It fits in your ear just like a hearing
aide, got a little antenna pokes out the side.
- It's not an antenna.
- What is it?
It's just a string to pull it out.
See, it's got a string to pull it out.
- 60 seconds to cold open.
- Here we go, big show, big show!
My girlfriend just broke up with me.
Sorry to hear that.
Eat 'em up. Big show.
- My girlfriend just broke up with me.
- Bummer.
Just now, this minute.
Right in my dressing room.
- Ooh, a dressing room break up.
- Yeah.
Why?
She said she asked around about me.
Uh
- oh.
What does that mean?
That she asked around about you.
And what would she find out
if she asked around about me?
Well, what did she say?
She says I'm never with one woman
for more than a couple of months.
That's why I said uh
- oh. Was this Daphne?
No.
- Carla?.
- No.
- Brenda?
- It was Stephanie.
How long have you been with Stephanie?
A couple of months.
Well... It lasted a couple of months
because she just broke up with me.
I'm in the cold open. Have a good show.
Whatever.
Excuse me.
Have the script pages right here.
Thank you. Water?
In the mug.
Good evening...
Check line six, DB, all right?
In five... four...
From Court TV studios in New York,
it's Nancy Grace.
Good evening and welcome
to "Scarred Forever:
A Special Nancy Grace Investigation.
" I'm Nancy Grace.
A young woman goes in for
routine cosmetic surgery.
An investment in her promising career
as a hostess at her local Applebee's.
What happens next is a nightmare.
The surgery botched, her self- esteem
butchered like her once- pert breasts,
her marriage of seven years ended as her
husband can't stand the frightening sight of her.
Standby.
Her name? Candy.
Let's throw up a picture
of Candy before the surgery.
Go!
Seems that the prop masters here
at The Nancy Grace Show have put
what sure tastes like grain
alcohol in my coffee mug.
That's an ugly mistake.
Tommy. Did you see that?
- What?
- Somebody spiked her water.
It's gonna be a whole night like
this, and Stephanie just broke up with me.
- When?
- Five minutes ago.
Why?
She says she thinks I'm just playing
around, I'm not looking for something serious.
- Are you?
- I could be.
She kinda got your number, huh?
I don't have a number, I'm not that guy.
- What about Hawaii?
- I know.
We're supposed to fly
to Kona in the morning.
I know.
I guess it can just be the three of us.
That sounds fine. I'm gonna fly
all the way to Hawaii with you
and Lucy for the long weekend
and watch you guys have fun?
We already paid for a two
- bedroom bungalow.
Isn't there anyone hanging out in
the green room tonight you can hit on?
See, this is what I'm
talking about. I'm not a dog.
I thought there were some good looking
women up in the green room tonight.
All right, I'll check it out.
Live from Studio 60 on the Sunset
Strip, it's Friday night in Hollywood.
Go VTR.
With Alex Dwyer...
Harriet Hayes...
Tom Jeter...
Dylan Killington...
Samantha Li...
Simon Stiles...
Jeannie Whatley...
Go VTR.
- Cal.
- Hold on.
- It's me, Cal.
- Macy Gray.
And me.
I like the looks of this. Ready, two.
- At the commercial break, okay?
- Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen, Allison Janney.
Okay, Allison, say "thank you"
right now if you can hear me.
- Thank you.
- Good.
You're probably noticing there
are no cue cards out there.
Thank you.
What the hell?
I lied before, we don't have the cue card
guys. I didn't want to make you nervous.
Thank you very much.
I've got the script
right here, if you need us.
No, you're really too kind.
That's the spirit.
It's great to be here in New York.
You're in LA, Allison.
In LA. Of course we're in LA.
It's great to be here, I live here.
Far be it for me to brag.
Not to sound like I'm bragging, but
tonight is my first time hosting...
Third....
third time hosting the
show, it doesn't really matter.
- You're doing great.
- What matters...
in order to do this joke, is that the
first time I hosted Saturday Night Live...
- Studio 60!
- Studio 60, I'm in L.
- Has Allison Janney lost her mind?
- I know it's weird.
First time I hosted was back
when I was doing a TV show...
- The West Wing.
- I know the name of the show.
I'm talking to, uh...
there's a... thing in my ear, and...
Seriously, has Allison
Janney lost her mind?
Hey, Allison, what do you say
we dump it? Macy Gray is here.
- As a special gift to you on my first...
- Third, third!
third appearance, I'm
gonna skip the monologue,
and I just want to tell you we have a
great show tonight. Macy Gray is here.
Whoo!
So stick around, we'll be right back.
We're out.
I will come up there and kill you.
You did good.
- What do you need?
- What's going on down there?
Cue card guys walked
out with the prop guys.
- Why'd the prop guys walk?
- Danny said something.
- To who?
- The prop guys.
- What'd he say?
- He said they were replaceable.
- They took umbrage.
- Where is he?
In the parking lot
trying some diplomacy.
- Who's running the show?
- I am.
Where's Matt?
Helping the cast write their
lines on the palms of their hands.
Why?
- Because the cue card guys walked out.
- The cue card guys, yeah, yeah.
You guys run a tight ship.
I've got about a minute left.
Gino.
We got a bomb threat.
A serious one?
We're taking it a little seriously.
They reference a sketch, I guess
someone saw it at the dress.
What sketch?
You're doing a sketch tonight called
"Mohammed, the Thin Skinned Prophet"?
That's a new character for Tom Jeter.
What do you think about dumping the live show
so everybody can get out and airing the dress?
- We can't air the dress tonight.
- Why not?
We record the signal in
RGB, we were missing the "B".
You didn't record the
color "blue" at the dress?
Yeah, we also had to interrupt the first
music set when a tool belt fell on the stage.
Do we cancel the show?
Not yet, let us stay on it.
The audience won't be allowed out
of their seats until further notice.
Okay.
If a bomb goes off
after we got a warning,
do you know what'll happen
to our insurance premiums?
Yeah, plus people will get hurt.
I guess it would be fundamentally wrong
of me to leave the building, get in my car,
drive as far away as possible.
Yeah, I'm going to go back to work.
You'll try to broadcast in
the full spectrum of color?
- Do my best.
- It's going to be a good show tonight?
Don't see how.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
Sir, I don't mean to be pushy,
but we've been waiting for
our car for almost 20 minutes.
Yes, ma'am.
Any chance it'll be
brought out anytime...
- Soon.
- Soon?
It's a busy night.
Offer him some money.
I just paid $20...
Does she have the wallet?
She took the wallet off
the prop table, she's fine.
All right, all right.
- Sir?
- Yes?
Do you think our car might get out
here any faster if I offered you this?
If I offered you this lovely
empty wallet which is worth $50.
- That wallet?
- This wallet.
I can't watch.
- That wallet?
- Yes.
You broke up with Luke?
I think he broke up with me, but yeah.
- Why?
- The usual reason.
- Matt?
- Yeah.
You're going to start
going out with Matt again?
- No.
- Why?
- The usual reason.
- You guys are both stupid?
- Yeah.
- OK
You should feel free to go out with him.
- Luke?
- Matt.
I'm not going out with Matt.
- You can.
- Well, I'm not.
Okay, I'm just saying
you can if you want to.
Thanks.
Don't
- don't go out with Matt.
Oh, honey, you really
need to pull it together.
I know.
I think it's going okay.
- Hey, Tom...
- Hey, good job.
Good job? How 'bout a
little help out there?
I thought we covered
well, we stayed right with it.
You stayed right with it.
I had an empty wallet, I ended
up offering you my pants.
That's why you're the best, Allison, that's
why you're a Hall of Famer. Come on.
Okay, you're on my list now. He's
on my list, start making a list.
Cal and then Tom, and keep a pen handy.
- How's it going?
- Oh, the train, she is wrecked.
Matt's going out of his mind up there.
It's live TV, it's a high
- wire act without a net.
Well, bodies are going
splat all over the place.
- I feel like we're gonna rally.
- Just get through it.
Because tonight's show is the only
thing standing between us and Hawaii.
There's a small Hawaii snag.
- What?
- Stephanie broke up with Simon.
- No, when?
- Right before the show.
Why?
Well, she seems to think Simon's a
womanizer who's only in it for the chase.
- She didn't know that before?
- It's not true.
Of course it is.
He's very serious
about his relationships.
I'm heading into the green room, I'll
have a date for Hawaii in three minutes.
Simon, you can't just meet a girl
and then ask her to go to Hawaii.
Talk to her, would you?
It's an interesting show tonight.
How you gonna do "News
60" without the cards?
That one's easy. We just
use the script pages.
Danny pissed off the prop guys, huh?
Yes. Yes, he did.
I know you, don't I?
I guess not well enough.
Jennifer Schroeder.
Yeah, sure. Jennifer,
you know the show's a lot better when you
watch it from the floor. Can I take you there?
Sure.
I can't believe Jeff sent Simon
Stiles to take me to the floor.
- Who is Jeff?
- My husband. The head of NBS Legal.
That's how I know you. Yeah, you're
gonna have to watch the show in here.
Okay.
Stiles. Am I who you're looking for?
Claire.
Oh, you remember my name.
- Where have you been, Claire?
- Where have I been?
I tried calling you 50 different ways.
When?
The next morning and then
many times after that.
You are so full of it.
No, you gave me the wrong number.
Sell it somewhere else.
I lost the piece of paper, but I remembered
all the digits were prime numbers.
1, 3, 5, 7, 11.
I had Tom Jeter's little brother,
a mechanical engineer,
kick out all the possible combinations,
and I called them all.
- You're kidding.
- I'm not.
8-1-8?
3-1-0.
My area code's 8-1-8.
Obviously, that was my mistake.
I hear you're dating Stephanie.
That was my mistake, too.
Stephanie's great.
I agree, but she broke up with me.
Why?
- She thinks I'm a womanizer.
- You are.
I'm not. I'm just good-looking.
- When did you guys break up?
- Right before the show.
Okay, it's 35 minutes later and you're already trolling the
green room for a pair of legs to take to the wrap party.
You see, that is completely untrue.
I'm trolling the green room for
a pair of legs to take to Hawaii.
- You're unbelievable!
- Come with me.
- To Hawaii?
- Tomorrow morning.
- No.
- Why not?
- Self-respect.
- You mean you have some?
- Yes.
- You see...
Simon.
Look, yes, you caught me.
I came in here looking for anything
I could find, but I found you.
And I've been looking
for you pretty hard.
Do you know how many combinations
of seven prime numbers there are?
No, do you?
No! I had an intern do it, but still.
I have to give it to you, you are funny.
We had a great date, Claire. We could
just pick right up where we left off.
You don't think I've heard
all the stories about you?
They're not true.
Mariah Carey?
That one's true.
Beyonce?
- That one's true.
- Okay.
Those are stories are about
me and somebody else, not you.
Look, if you don't want to
go to Hawaii, that's fine.
Let's get together and
have coffee when I get back.
- When's that?
- Tuesday.
I leave for London for
two months on Wednesday.
- You do?
- Yeah.
Where the hell have you been, Claire?
I found you and then
you're going somewhere...
Two minutes. Two minutes "News 60.
" Two minute call.
It was a good date we had.
It was a great date.
I got to go.
You really tried
calling all the numbers?
I really did.
All right, take me to Hawaii.
90 seconds back. Ready two, ready three.
VTR is standing by with
music, animation, graphics...
This is the bomb squad.
It's gonna take 'em about an
hour to check the building.
So they'll be able to give us the all-
clear when we're saying good- night.
Yeah.
Well, if you used more
dogs, it'd go faster?
We've only got five dogs.
- And they're all working right now?
- Yes, sir.
How many bomb threats are
there a day in this city?
- About six.
- You're kidding.
No.
Okay, let me ask you this. First of all, does
the dog have to be sniffing me right now?
Sit down.
Sitzen. Aufenthalt.
The German Shepherd speaks German?
He only speaks German.
Okay, let me ask you
something. Are we being stupid?
Should we be clearing the building?
Nothing has led the police to
determine it's a serious threat.
- You've had these before.
- Never from a Muslim.
They don't know the caller was a Muslim.
We know the sketch he was objecting to.
We know he said, "Didn't you see what
happened after the Danish cartoon?
"What's the guy have to
do, take a pilgrimage to Mecca?"
Just let these guys do their jobs, huh?
Can you tell us, are you operating any
electronic devices in the building?
They're fine. Let's go.
You're taking this in stride.
- I'm pretty drunk.
- Okay.
- Cal?
- Yeah?
You've had dead air
for about ten seconds.
Go VTR, go VTR!
Welcome to California.
It's "News 60" with
Harriet Hayes and Simon Stiles.
Max, I'll tell them.
I can't even remember the ***.
Maybe this'll jog your memory.
I guess there's only one thing
standing in your way, Maxie.
Guess again, sister.
Uh, F/X and sound, I think
you may have missed that cue.
See, I thought you shot me.
It even looked like you did.
Well, we only had another
half page left anyway.
Two minutes back *******
What's happening?
No sound and your squibs didn't go off.
- Yeah, I know!
- It's cool.
Cal bailed you out.
Bailing me out would be driving
me home and getting me drunk.
Did I look stupid?
Well, you can probably check it out for
yourself on YouTube in a couple minutes.
Wait till I get my
hands on Matt and Danny.
- In fact, put them on my list.
- Allison...
And put Tom on there twice.
Look, this is live TV, this isn't your little
White House show where you get to do it again.
Now, we've been in a slump lately, and
we had to bottom out at some point.
Every couple years, we
have a disaster show.
So I'm hosting the disaster show?
- God, let's hope so.
- Well, can't we turn it around?
No. It's 11 nothing at the end of the first inning.
You just have to get through the rest of the game.
It's like the Wild
West out there tonight.
You guys seem pretty relaxed about this.
- We have an advantage.
- What?
We know how to make it
look like it's your fault.
Here's what it looked like.
It's gonna be my screen saver.
Hey, remember what I said
before? Don't worry about it.
- Don't worry about what?
- What I said before.
- When?
- You know, about... the thing.
And I said one thing and then went
back and said, no, another thing?
Oh, when you said I
could go out with Matt?
- Jeannie...
- You're going out with Matt?
- No.
- No. I'm not allowed to.
- You are.
- You changed your mind?
Yes, so let's drop it now.
Is it okay for them to go
out with Matt or just...
It's okay for anybody
to go out with Matt.
If I go out with somebody, does
it have to be Matt...
Anybody can go out with anybody.
Alex can go out with Dylan.
I wasn't listening.
We can go out if we want.
Okay.
I'm not sure how much more I can take.
- I hear that.
- Okay.
What does that mean?
- What?
- "I hear that.
- " Nothing.
- Sounded like you meant something.
No.
Okay, well... we'll just leave it there.
Okay.
Oh, go out with him if you...
I'm not sure how much I can take. None
of us are sure how much more we can take!
What does that mean?
Nothing.
Harry, what I was trying to say was...
Sam?
Sit down.
We got to get ready for...
You've got eight and a half minutes, and
I've got seniority. Sit down.
None of us are sure how
much more we can take?
Harry...
I'm not the one who
brought it up. You were.
And that was a huge mistake on my part.
We're just not sure why...
You're not even supposed to
be in the same room as me, rook.
- Well, the season's almost over, so I figured...
- What?...
I'd speak.
You're not sure why what?
Why the two of you aren't just together.
Well, that makes two of us.
Five of us.
Shut up.
# Goin' to Hawaii with Claire #
# I'm goin' to Hawaii with Claire #
# 'Cause I'm a big, giant-sized stud #
# I'm goin' to Hawaii... #
Stephanie.
Hi.
You came back.
Do you have to make a change?
*****
No, no, I got a minute.
People said you'd break my heart
and I listened to them. I was stupid.
You've been nothing but
sweet and genuine with me,
and you've never given me any reason
to think you were an adolescent hound
for whom women are interchangeable
dressing mannequins for swimsuits.
Can I come to Hawaii?
Yes.
Come here.
I got to go upstairs
and, you know, I got to...
I'll be right back.
Cal.
Back from commercial in 60 seconds.
We know where the bomb
threat was called in from.
Where?
The call is coming from
within the building.
What the hell's the matter with you?
No, seriously, the call came
from inside the building.
There was a phone at lost and found.
They pressed a button to see what the
number was so they could call the owner,
but they pressed the wrong button, so
the last number called came up instead.
It was the NBS switchboard at exactly
the same time the threat was called in.
The guy must have been
at the dress rehearsal.
Guy phones in a bomb threat, then
leaves his cell phone behind?
I don't think we're dealing
with a criminal mastermind.
Do you know who the phone belongs to?
Sure.
Well, is somebody gonna find him right now and arrest him
and then ask him if there's really a bomb in the building?
- Oh, we don't have to do that.
- Why?
He's on his way over.
Why? Wait.
He's coming to pick up his phone?
Yeah. We called him
at his parents' house.
- His parents?
- That's where he lives.
How do you know all this?
The FBI is open on Fridays.
What's his name?
Robbie Clark.
- Robbie Clark?
- Yeah.
Robbie Clark al Hussein or just...?
Just Robbie Clark.
Well, you'll let me know
when Robbie gets here?
Yeah.
Tight show tonight.
Thank you.
Ready one!
Cue Allison in five, four, three, two...
Ladies and gentlemen, once
again, Macy Gray.
# Bet you thought I died #
# When you went away... #
Hey!
Did you get the prop guys back yet?
No.
- The cue card guys?
- No.
- Did you find the bomb?
- No, ma'am, but I tell you what.
I watch every episode, and The
West Wing's never been better.
We've been off the air for over a year.
Loved you on Chicago Hope.
- That was Christine Lahti.
- Not my night.
No.
# And see you leaving today #
# Baby, you finally made me happy... #
Claire.
Excuse me.
You know, I didn't even
ask where we're going.
Kona. The Mauna Lani.
I love Kona.
- Sorry to hear that.
- Why?
I was gonna come up with a lie, a good
lie, one that showed some respect for you.
What's going on?
But then I decided, "No, you
got to be honest with her.
" Honest, that's who
I am. And respectful.
What's going on?
Stephanie and I got back together.
And she said, "Can I still
come to Hawaii with you?
" And before I could think to say, "I'm
sorry, I've already invited someone else, "
I said, "Sure. " Hope the fact
I'm being honest right now...
Okay.
# Hollering, "Uh, uh, uh!
# Baby, you finally made me happy #
- And go! And camera 1!
# When you walked out that door #
# Baby, you finally made me happy... #
In the past, it was
because of our differences.
It was because I was a Christian nut job
or because we were together
five years without a proposal
or because he would decide to have a drink with
the entire Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.
- When you were broken up.
- What?
He would go out with other
people when you were broken up.
I'm talking right now. Okay.
And one of those people was you.
Me?
Her. I'm pointing at her.
When you were broken up.
I get the point.
What's the reason now?
- What?
- You said "in the past.
- " The reason now?
- Yeah.
- You.
- Me?
All of you.
Company morale, the show.
He says if a cast member was dating one of the
executive producers, it would create tensi?n.
- I don't think it would.
- I don't think it would.
And that's fine, but he thinks it would.
Except I don't really
think he does either.
So what are you saying?
Obviously, it's something else.
They're having their troubles tonight.
Stephanie.
Allison seems to be
taking the brunt of it.
I am so sorry to hear
about you and Simon.
Well, as a matter of fact...
May I be allowed to say one thing
to you without being horribly rude?
Of course.
I think you've misread Simon.
I've gotten to know
him over the past year,
and I think I can tell when
he's serious about a girl
and when he's just going for a snog.
I know, you're right. I'm gonna
make it up to him in Hawaii.
No, it's too late. He's
already invited someone else.
But I am sure when we get back...
- He invited someone else?
- Did he?
You just said that.
No, of course he didn't
invite someone else.
You can't just replace a
girlfriend like she's... some...
Oh. Simon.
Hey, baby.
When, during the 65 minutes between our
breaking up and getting back together,
did you invite another girl to Hawaii?
I didn't invite another... I... what...
Yes. I... But you broke up with
me, and the bungalow was already...
She would have looked
nice in a swimsuit.
Yeah.
Mr. Bond, I hope you like
your martinis strong.
Like my men.
- Pardon me?
- Nothing.
How about a little mood music?
That would be delightful.
All right! Well, there's
that cue we missed.
Oh, why don't we just
skip the mood music...
And there are the squibs.
- Excuse me.
- Yes?
They told me to see you. I got a
call that you have got my cell phone.
- Are you Robbie Clark?
- Yeah.
Is this your phone?
Yeah.
You want to sign for it?
Sign for it?
Procedure.
Sure.
- You're under arrest.
- What the...
Turn around, put your
hands on the counter there.
Put your head down.
You're under arrest for intentionally conveying
false information concerning explosives.
It was a joke!
- Who are you?
- I'm his friend.
- What's your name?
- Robby.
He's Robbie!
I'm Robby, too, but
it's spelled different.
Were you with him when he made the call?
It was a joke.
How do you know? 'Cause I was with him!
You're under arrest.
Oh, come on, man.
Turn around, put your
hands on the counter.
Can we determine if there
actually is a bomb in the building?
- There isn't.
- You sure?
I swear to God.
I trust him, but just in case, why don't
we handcuff him to the building overnight?
I'll be back in the booth.
What, you have a beef with the
sketch? The Mohammed sketch.
- No, sir.
- Yeah?
Do you even know who Mohammed is?
Ali?
No, not Muhammad Ali.
Are our parents gonna
find out about this?
Along with the FBI.
You're not gonna fly on a plane for
a while, go to college or get a job.
What the hell were you thinking?
Honestly, sir, honestly, I just thought...
I thought it would be on the
news and we'd see it on TV.
- Take 'em away.
- Why wasn't it on the news?
It's Friday night.
Aren't bomb threats a big deal?
You'd think so, wouldn't you?
15 seconds back.
Just keep it together, smile, be
upbeat, nice polite good nights.
Thank the cast and crew, Macy
Gray, Matt and Danny...
Thank you.
Just like that but nicer.
In five, four, three...
That's our show! Thanks
to the cast and crew.
Thanks to Macy Gray.
Thanks to Danny Tripp and Matt Alb...
All right, you know what? That's it!
I'm supposed to stand here and pretend a
German Shepherd isn't sniffing me right now.
The whole night has
been a complete disaster.
The prop guys walk out 'cause
Danny Tripp is an idiot!
And there are no cue cards!
I had no cash in my wallet!
And the machine gun went off
a half hour after I got shot!
Allison, Allison. I turned off your mic after
you said, "That's our show. " Nobody can hear you.
You're just coming off like a madwoman.
Now I'm turning you on in the control
room. If you can hear me, say, "Thank you."
Thank you.
It was a bad show. Can you hear me?
Yeah, thank you very much.
I mean, classically bad.
But it still beats digging
a hole for a living, right?
Tell me you still didn't have
the time of your life tonight.
Thank you.
We're out.
- =TLF SUB TEAM= /tlfsub. eastgame. net
It's Friday night in Hollywood.
I've been watching it all this week...
and I got to tell you I love what I see.
You're back.
Yeah. You're a sight for sore eyes.
What do we got?
We have a year in review theme.
Is there a sketch you feel
like you can cut right now?
You can cut "Immaculate My Ass" HBO's
"Ho, Ho, Ho's", and "Hookers with the Pole".
The Nicholas Cage Show.
- Militant Fruit of the Loom.
- I can take that.
You calling me Mongango.
Don't throw up.
He's saying, "Heil Hitler".
I think you're
reading too much into it.
He's giving the Nazi salute.
Now that you said it
that's all I can see.
It's all anybody can see.
It's a great studio with
an incredible history-
the people who have had
this stage. You like it?
Yeah.
Good. 'Cause we live here now.
This is not the comedy we
intended to do when the week began.
THE DISASTER SHOW
It's going to be fine.
- Really?
- Yeah, sure.
'Cause it sounds like a calamity, Cal.
Nah, it's fine.
It's a catastrophe.
- I think it could be fun.
- How?
You'll have a story to tell.
I'll have a story to tell about how I was the
guest host of a catastrophic, calamitous calamity.
It's going to be great on the
talk shows. The house is open...
You knock 'em dead you
unbelievable beauty.
- I hate you.
- No problem.
What is...
Cal.
- Cal!
- Yeah?
Jenny, keep the band playing.
There's not gonna be a warm up.
Yes, sir.
***
What's going on?
Um...
You all know what a wildcat strike is.
Really?
You don't know what a wild
- all right, well...
you're about to live through one.
Local 44 of the Propmasters' Union-
their contract expires at midnight
tonight, but our guys decided to walk out early.
- When?
- Ten minutes ago.
Our prop guys walked out? They did.
I can't hear you if
you all talk at once.
Why?!
- 'Kay I heard that.
- Why?
Well, Danny was talking about the contract
negotiations and he got frustrated
and he said something a little impolitic
that may have been interpreted the wrong way.
What did he say?
He said, "For the love of God, you're
just prop guys, you're easily replaceable.
- " Oh, my...
- Why would he do that?
So they decided to test us on
that theory. The house is open.
Crew, take your pre
- show positions.
Cast, follow me.
Cal, I shoot a gun in a sketch.
- And he shoots it at me.
- The gun will be there.
I'm sure it will, I just
want it to not have bullets.
- I'll aim low.
- That doesn't make me feel better.
As you can see, all of your props are pre
- set on the prop table the way they always are.
Hang on, we're not crossing any
picket line or anything, are we?
Absolutely not. We're all union
guys here, we will not- any of us-
perform the job of a
prop master tonight.
They've already been built, and painted, they've
all been laid out in the exact running order,
you just need to pick
'em up off this table.
Damn.
All right, if anything
you needed just broke,
then go to the prop room and
find a suitable substitute.
We have anything you
need in the prop room.
- Question.
- Yeah.
Where's the prop room?
It's behind the
voice-over booth.
I think they moved that
a couple of months ago.
- It's left of Tunnel One.
- That's crafts service now.
You guys don't know where
your props come from?
They come from the prop guys, Cal.
Well, now they're right
here on the floor.
- What about the cards?
- What about 'em?
The cue cards. The cue card guys
belong to the Propmasters' Union.
- Really?
- Yes.
Danny's insult was
just to the prop guys.
I'm sure the cue card guys didn't
take offense at what he said.
You guys have a good show.
And shove these up your ass.
Well... now we got
ourselves a ball game.
- =The Last Fantasy=-
Proudly Presents
??ɽͯ??
- =www.eastgame. net=-
So, do me a favor.
Just so they can get a sound level upstairs.
******
Now *******
Two minutes to *****. Two minutes.
Okay, here we go.
Stay with me, baby.
Allison! Allison, my friend.
Cal.
This union thing, is not going to
affect the cue card guys, is it?
No.
'Cause the cue card guys are
part of the Propmasters' Union.
That's a good union.
I'm a union guy myself.
What was Danny thinking?
Oh, people do funny things
when they're hungry.
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
He's on the phone with the union
reps trying to make it better.
- In the meantime...
- I want to break his neck.
Well, I would think the Teamsters out in the parking
lot are probably slashing his tires if that helps.
- A little.
- In the meantime...
- It's not going to affect the cards?
- Nooo.
'Cause I barely know the
monologue, there wasn't time to...
The cards are fine. Patrick
gonna fit you with an ear wig.
Why?
So I can talk to you from
the booth if I need to.
Why would you need to?
Well, the timings are a little funny tonight, I
might need you to cut something or fill.
Can't Danny just hand
signal me from his chair?
I'll tell you, uh, the lights from the
30's on the low deck are coming in
at what they call a
photonically saturating angle.
- Did you just make that up?
- No. Patrick?
You've worn one before.
It fits in your ear just like a hearing
aide, got a little antenna pokes out the side.
- It's not an antenna.
- What is it?
It's just a string to pull it out.
See, it's got a string to pull it out.
- 60 seconds to cold open.
- Here we go, big show, big show!
My girlfriend just broke up with me.
Sorry to hear that.
Eat 'em up. Big show.
- My girlfriend just broke up with me.
- Bummer.
Just now, this minute.
Right in my dressing room.
- Ooh, a dressing room break up.
- Yeah.
Why?
She said she asked around about me.
Uh
- oh.
What does that mean?
That she asked around about you.
And what would she find out
if she asked around about me?
Well, what did she say?
She says I'm never with one woman
for more than a couple of months.
That's why I said uh
- oh. Was this Daphne?
No.
- Carla?.
- No.
- Brenda?
- It was Stephanie.
How long have you been with Stephanie?
A couple of months.
Well... It lasted a couple of months
because she just broke up with me.
I'm in the cold open. Have a good show.
Whatever.
Excuse me.
Have the script pages right here.
Thank you. Water?
In the mug.
Good evening...
Check line six, DB, all right?
In five... four...
From Court TV studios in New York,
it's Nancy Grace.
Good evening and welcome
to "Scarred Forever:
A Special Nancy Grace Investigation.
" I'm Nancy Grace.
A young woman goes in for
routine cosmetic surgery.
An investment in her promising career
as a hostess at her local Applebee's.
What happens next is a nightmare.
The surgery botched, her self- esteem
butchered like her once- pert breasts,
her marriage of seven years ended as her
husband can't stand the frightening sight of her.
Standby.
Her name? Candy.
Let's throw up a picture
of Candy before the surgery.
Go!
Seems that the prop masters here
at The Nancy Grace Show have put
what sure tastes like grain
alcohol in my coffee mug.
That's an ugly mistake.
Tommy. Did you see that?
- What?
- Somebody spiked her water.
It's gonna be a whole night like
this, and Stephanie just broke up with me.
- When?
- Five minutes ago.
Why?
She says she thinks I'm just playing
around, I'm not looking for something serious.
- Are you?
- I could be.
She kinda got your number, huh?
I don't have a number, I'm not that guy.
- What about Hawaii?
- I know.
We're supposed to fly
to Kona in the morning.
I know.
I guess it can just be the three of us.
That sounds fine. I'm gonna fly
all the way to Hawaii with you
and Lucy for the long weekend
and watch you guys have fun?
We already paid for a two
- bedroom bungalow.
Isn't there anyone hanging out in
the green room tonight you can hit on?
See, this is what I'm
talking about. I'm not a dog.
I thought there were some good looking
women up in the green room tonight.
All right, I'll check it out.
Live from Studio 60 on the Sunset
Strip, it's Friday night in Hollywood.
Go VTR.
With Alex Dwyer...
Harriet Hayes...
Tom Jeter...
Dylan Killington...
Samantha Li...
Simon Stiles...
Jeannie Whatley...
Go VTR.
- Cal.
- Hold on.
- It's me, Cal.
- Macy Gray.
And me.
I like the looks of this. Ready, two.
- At the commercial break, okay?
- Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen, Allison Janney.
Okay, Allison, say "thank you"
right now if you can hear me.
- Thank you.
- Good.
You're probably noticing there
are no cue cards out there.
Thank you.
What the hell?
I lied before, we don't have the cue card
guys. I didn't want to make you nervous.
Thank you very much.
I've got the script
right here, if you need us.
No, you're really too kind.
That's the spirit.
It's great to be here in New York.
You're in LA, Allison.
In LA. Of course we're in LA.
It's great to be here, I live here.
Far be it for me to brag.
Not to sound like I'm bragging, but
tonight is my first time hosting...
Third....
third time hosting the
show, it doesn't really matter.
- You're doing great.
- What matters...
in order to do this joke, is that the
first time I hosted Saturday Night Live...
- Studio 60!
- Studio 60, I'm in L.
- Has Allison Janney lost her mind?
- I know it's weird.
First time I hosted was back
when I was doing a TV show...
- The West Wing.
- I know the name of the show.
I'm talking to, uh...
there's a... thing in my ear, and...
Seriously, has Allison
Janney lost her mind?
Hey, Allison, what do you say
we dump it? Macy Gray is here.
- As a special gift to you on my first...
- Third, third!
third appearance, I'm
gonna skip the monologue,
and I just want to tell you we have a
great show tonight. Macy Gray is here.
Whoo!
So stick around, we'll be right back.
We're out.
I will come up there and kill you.
You did good.
- What do you need?
- What's going on down there?
Cue card guys walked
out with the prop guys.
- Why'd the prop guys walk?
- Danny said something.
- To who?
- The prop guys.
- What'd he say?
- He said they were replaceable.
- They took umbrage.
- Where is he?
In the parking lot
trying some diplomacy.
- Who's running the show?
- I am.
Where's Matt?
Helping the cast write their
lines on the palms of their hands.
Why?
- Because the cue card guys walked out.
- The cue card guys, yeah, yeah.
You guys run a tight ship.
I've got about a minute left.
Gino.
We got a bomb threat.
A serious one?
We're taking it a little seriously.
They reference a sketch, I guess
someone saw it at the dress.
What sketch?
You're doing a sketch tonight called
"Mohammed, the Thin Skinned Prophet"?
That's a new character for Tom Jeter.
What do you think about dumping the live show
so everybody can get out and airing the dress?
- We can't air the dress tonight.
- Why not?
We record the signal in
RGB, we were missing the "B".
You didn't record the
color "blue" at the dress?
Yeah, we also had to interrupt the first
music set when a tool belt fell on the stage.
Do we cancel the show?
Not yet, let us stay on it.
The audience won't be allowed out
of their seats until further notice.
Okay.
If a bomb goes off
after we got a warning,
do you know what'll happen
to our insurance premiums?
Yeah, plus people will get hurt.
I guess it would be fundamentally wrong
of me to leave the building, get in my car,
drive as far away as possible.
Yeah, I'm going to go back to work.
You'll try to broadcast in
the full spectrum of color?
- Do my best.
- It's going to be a good show tonight?
Don't see how.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
Sir, I don't mean to be pushy,
but we've been waiting for
our car for almost 20 minutes.
Yes, ma'am.
Any chance it'll be
brought out anytime...
- Soon.
- Soon?
It's a busy night.
Offer him some money.
I just paid $20...
Does she have the wallet?
She took the wallet off
the prop table, she's fine.
All right, all right.
- Sir?
- Yes?
Do you think our car might get out
here any faster if I offered you this?
If I offered you this lovely
empty wallet which is worth $50.
- That wallet?
- This wallet.
I can't watch.
- That wallet?
- Yes.
You broke up with Luke?
I think he broke up with me, but yeah.
- Why?
- The usual reason.
- Matt?
- Yeah.
You're going to start
going out with Matt again?
- No.
- Why?
- The usual reason.
- You guys are both stupid?
- Yeah.
- OK
You should feel free to go out with him.
- Luke?
- Matt.
I'm not going out with Matt.
- You can.
- Well, I'm not.
Okay, I'm just saying
you can if you want to.
Thanks.
Don't
- don't go out with Matt.
Oh, honey, you really
need to pull it together.
I know.
I think it's going okay.
- Hey, Tom...
- Hey, good job.
Good job? How 'bout a
little help out there?
I thought we covered
well, we stayed right with it.
You stayed right with it.
I had an empty wallet, I ended
up offering you my pants.
That's why you're the best, Allison, that's
why you're a Hall of Famer. Come on.
Okay, you're on my list now. He's
on my list, start making a list.
Cal and then Tom, and keep a pen handy.
- How's it going?
- Oh, the train, she is wrecked.
Matt's going out of his mind up there.
It's live TV, it's a high
- wire act without a net.
Well, bodies are going
splat all over the place.
- I feel like we're gonna rally.
- Just get through it.
Because tonight's show is the only
thing standing between us and Hawaii.
There's a small Hawaii snag.
- What?
- Stephanie broke up with Simon.
- No, when?
- Right before the show.
Why?
Well, she seems to think Simon's a
womanizer who's only in it for the chase.
- She didn't know that before?
- It's not true.
Of course it is.
He's very serious
about his relationships.
I'm heading into the green room, I'll
have a date for Hawaii in three minutes.
Simon, you can't just meet a girl
and then ask her to go to Hawaii.
Talk to her, would you?
It's an interesting show tonight.
How you gonna do "News
60" without the cards?
That one's easy. We just
use the script pages.
Danny pissed off the prop guys, huh?
Yes. Yes, he did.
I know you, don't I?
I guess not well enough.
Jennifer Schroeder.
Yeah, sure. Jennifer,
you know the show's a lot better when you
watch it from the floor. Can I take you there?
Sure.
I can't believe Jeff sent Simon
Stiles to take me to the floor.
- Who is Jeff?
- My husband. The head of NBS Legal.
That's how I know you. Yeah, you're
gonna have to watch the show in here.
Okay.
Stiles. Am I who you're looking for?
Claire.
Oh, you remember my name.
- Where have you been, Claire?
- Where have I been?
I tried calling you 50 different ways.
When?
The next morning and then
many times after that.
You are so full of it.
No, you gave me the wrong number.
Sell it somewhere else.
I lost the piece of paper, but I remembered
all the digits were prime numbers.
1, 3, 5, 7, 11.
I had Tom Jeter's little brother,
a mechanical engineer,
kick out all the possible combinations,
and I called them all.
- You're kidding.
- I'm not.
8-1-8?
3-1-0.
My area code's 8-1-8.
Obviously, that was my mistake.
I hear you're dating Stephanie.
That was my mistake, too.
Stephanie's great.
I agree, but she broke up with me.
Why?
- She thinks I'm a womanizer.
- You are.
I'm not. I'm just good-looking.
- When did you guys break up?
- Right before the show.
Okay, it's 35 minutes later and you're already trolling the
green room for a pair of legs to take to the wrap party.
You see, that is completely untrue.
I'm trolling the green room for
a pair of legs to take to Hawaii.
- You're unbelievable!
- Come with me.
- To Hawaii?
- Tomorrow morning.
- No.
- Why not?
- Self-respect.
- You mean you have some?
- Yes.
- You see...
Simon.
Look, yes, you caught me.
I came in here looking for anything
I could find, but I found you.
And I've been looking
for you pretty hard.
Do you know how many combinations
of seven prime numbers there are?
No, do you?
No! I had an intern do it, but still.
I have to give it to you, you are funny.
We had a great date, Claire. We could
just pick right up where we left off.
You don't think I've heard
all the stories about you?
They're not true.
Mariah Carey?
That one's true.
Beyonce?
- That one's true.
- Okay.
Those are stories are about
me and somebody else, not you.
Look, if you don't want to
go to Hawaii, that's fine.
Let's get together and
have coffee when I get back.
- When's that?
- Tuesday.
I leave for London for
two months on Wednesday.
- You do?
- Yeah.
Where the hell have you been, Claire?
I found you and then
you're going somewhere...
Two minutes. Two minutes "News 60.
" Two minute call.
It was a good date we had.
It was a great date.
I got to go.
You really tried
calling all the numbers?
I really did.
All right, take me to Hawaii.
90 seconds back. Ready two, ready three.
VTR is standing by with
music, animation, graphics...
This is the bomb squad.
It's gonna take 'em about an
hour to check the building.
So they'll be able to give us the all-
clear when we're saying good- night.
Yeah.
Well, if you used more
dogs, it'd go faster?
We've only got five dogs.
- And they're all working right now?
- Yes, sir.
How many bomb threats are
there a day in this city?
- About six.
- You're kidding.
No.
Okay, let me ask you this. First of all, does
the dog have to be sniffing me right now?
Sit down.
Sitzen. Aufenthalt.
The German Shepherd speaks German?
He only speaks German.
Okay, let me ask you
something. Are we being stupid?
Should we be clearing the building?
Nothing has led the police to
determine it's a serious threat.
- You've had these before.
- Never from a Muslim.
They don't know the caller was a Muslim.
We know the sketch he was objecting to.
We know he said, "Didn't you see what
happened after the Danish cartoon?
"What's the guy have to
do, take a pilgrimage to Mecca?"
Just let these guys do their jobs, huh?
Can you tell us, are you operating any
electronic devices in the building?
They're fine. Let's go.
You're taking this in stride.
- I'm pretty drunk.
- Okay.
- Cal?
- Yeah?
You've had dead air
for about ten seconds.
Go VTR, go VTR!
Welcome to California.
It's "News 60" with
Harriet Hayes and Simon Stiles.
Max, I'll tell them.
I can't even remember the ***.
Maybe this'll jog your memory.
I guess there's only one thing
standing in your way, Maxie.
Guess again, sister.
Uh, F/X and sound, I think
you may have missed that cue.
See, I thought you shot me.
It even looked like you did.
Well, we only had another
half page left anyway.
Two minutes back *******
What's happening?
No sound and your squibs didn't go off.
- Yeah, I know!
- It's cool.
Cal bailed you out.
Bailing me out would be driving
me home and getting me drunk.
Did I look stupid?
Well, you can probably check it out for
yourself on YouTube in a couple minutes.
Wait till I get my
hands on Matt and Danny.
- In fact, put them on my list.
- Allison...
And put Tom on there twice.
Look, this is live TV, this isn't your little
White House show where you get to do it again.
Now, we've been in a slump lately, and
we had to bottom out at some point.
Every couple years, we
have a disaster show.
So I'm hosting the disaster show?
- God, let's hope so.
- Well, can't we turn it around?
No. It's 11 nothing at the end of the first inning.
You just have to get through the rest of the game.
It's like the Wild
West out there tonight.
You guys seem pretty relaxed about this.
- We have an advantage.
- What?
We know how to make it
look like it's your fault.
Here's what it looked like.
It's gonna be my screen saver.
Hey, remember what I said
before? Don't worry about it.
- Don't worry about what?
- What I said before.
- When?
- You know, about... the thing.
And I said one thing and then went
back and said, no, another thing?
Oh, when you said I
could go out with Matt?
- Jeannie...
- You're going out with Matt?
- No.
- No. I'm not allowed to.
- You are.
- You changed your mind?
Yes, so let's drop it now.
Is it okay for them to go
out with Matt or just...
It's okay for anybody
to go out with Matt.
If I go out with somebody, does
it have to be Matt...
Anybody can go out with anybody.
Alex can go out with Dylan.
I wasn't listening.
We can go out if we want.
Okay.
I'm not sure how much more I can take.
- I hear that.
- Okay.
What does that mean?
- What?
- "I hear that.
- " Nothing.
- Sounded like you meant something.
No.
Okay, well... we'll just leave it there.
Okay.
Oh, go out with him if you...
I'm not sure how much I can take. None
of us are sure how much more we can take!
What does that mean?
Nothing.
Harry, what I was trying to say was...
Sam?
Sit down.
We got to get ready for...
You've got eight and a half minutes, and
I've got seniority. Sit down.
None of us are sure how
much more we can take?
Harry...
I'm not the one who
brought it up. You were.
And that was a huge mistake on my part.
We're just not sure why...
You're not even supposed to
be in the same room as me, rook.
- Well, the season's almost over, so I figured...
- What?...
I'd speak.
You're not sure why what?
Why the two of you aren't just together.
Well, that makes two of us.
Five of us.
Shut up.
# Goin' to Hawaii with Claire #
# I'm goin' to Hawaii with Claire #
# 'Cause I'm a big, giant-sized stud #
# I'm goin' to Hawaii... #
Stephanie.
Hi.
You came back.
Do you have to make a change?
*****
No, no, I got a minute.
People said you'd break my heart
and I listened to them. I was stupid.
You've been nothing but
sweet and genuine with me,
and you've never given me any reason
to think you were an adolescent hound
for whom women are interchangeable
dressing mannequins for swimsuits.
Can I come to Hawaii?
Yes.
Come here.
I got to go upstairs
and, you know, I got to...
I'll be right back.
Cal.
Back from commercial in 60 seconds.
We know where the bomb
threat was called in from.
Where?
The call is coming from
within the building.
What the hell's the matter with you?
No, seriously, the call came
from inside the building.
There was a phone at lost and found.
They pressed a button to see what the
number was so they could call the owner,
but they pressed the wrong button, so
the last number called came up instead.
It was the NBS switchboard at exactly
the same time the threat was called in.
The guy must have been
at the dress rehearsal.
Guy phones in a bomb threat, then
leaves his cell phone behind?
I don't think we're dealing
with a criminal mastermind.
Do you know who the phone belongs to?
Sure.
Well, is somebody gonna find him right now and arrest him
and then ask him if there's really a bomb in the building?
- Oh, we don't have to do that.
- Why?
He's on his way over.
Why? Wait.
He's coming to pick up his phone?
Yeah. We called him
at his parents' house.
- His parents?
- That's where he lives.
How do you know all this?
The FBI is open on Fridays.
What's his name?
Robbie Clark.
- Robbie Clark?
- Yeah.
Robbie Clark al Hussein or just...?
Just Robbie Clark.
Well, you'll let me know
when Robbie gets here?
Yeah.
Tight show tonight.
Thank you.
Ready one!
Cue Allison in five, four, three, two...
Ladies and gentlemen, once
again, Macy Gray.
# Bet you thought I died #
# When you went away... #
Hey!
Did you get the prop guys back yet?
No.
- The cue card guys?
- No.
- Did you find the bomb?
- No, ma'am, but I tell you what.
I watch every episode, and The
West Wing's never been better.
We've been off the air for over a year.
Loved you on Chicago Hope.
- That was Christine Lahti.
- Not my night.
No.
# And see you leaving today #
# Baby, you finally made me happy... #
Claire.
Excuse me.
You know, I didn't even
ask where we're going.
Kona. The Mauna Lani.
I love Kona.
- Sorry to hear that.
- Why?
I was gonna come up with a lie, a good
lie, one that showed some respect for you.
What's going on?
But then I decided, "No, you
got to be honest with her.
" Honest, that's who
I am. And respectful.
What's going on?
Stephanie and I got back together.
And she said, "Can I still
come to Hawaii with you?
" And before I could think to say, "I'm
sorry, I've already invited someone else, "
I said, "Sure. " Hope the fact
I'm being honest right now...
Okay.
# Hollering, "Uh, uh, uh!
# Baby, you finally made me happy #
- And go! And camera 1!
# When you walked out that door #
# Baby, you finally made me happy... #
In the past, it was
because of our differences.
It was because I was a Christian nut job
or because we were together
five years without a proposal
or because he would decide to have a drink with
the entire Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.
- When you were broken up.
- What?
He would go out with other
people when you were broken up.
I'm talking right now. Okay.
And one of those people was you.
Me?
Her. I'm pointing at her.
When you were broken up.
I get the point.
What's the reason now?
- What?
- You said "in the past.
- " The reason now?
- Yeah.
- You.
- Me?
All of you.
Company morale, the show.
He says if a cast member was dating one of the
executive producers, it would create tensi?n.
- I don't think it would.
- I don't think it would.
And that's fine, but he thinks it would.
Except I don't really
think he does either.
So what are you saying?
Obviously, it's something else.
They're having their troubles tonight.
Stephanie.
Allison seems to be
taking the brunt of it.
I am so sorry to hear
about you and Simon.
Well, as a matter of fact...
May I be allowed to say one thing
to you without being horribly rude?
Of course.
I think you've misread Simon.
I've gotten to know
him over the past year,
and I think I can tell when
he's serious about a girl
and when he's just going for a snog.
I know, you're right. I'm gonna
make it up to him in Hawaii.
No, it's too late. He's
already invited someone else.
But I am sure when we get back...
- He invited someone else?
- Did he?
You just said that.
No, of course he didn't
invite someone else.
You can't just replace a
girlfriend like she's... some...
Oh. Simon.
Hey, baby.
When, during the 65 minutes between our
breaking up and getting back together,
did you invite another girl to Hawaii?
I didn't invite another... I... what...
Yes. I... But you broke up with
me, and the bungalow was already...
She would have looked
nice in a swimsuit.
Yeah.
Mr. Bond, I hope you like
your martinis strong.
Like my men.
- Pardon me?
- Nothing.
How about a little mood music?
That would be delightful.
All right! Well, there's
that cue we missed.
Oh, why don't we just
skip the mood music...
And there are the squibs.
- Excuse me.
- Yes?
They told me to see you. I got a
call that you have got my cell phone.
- Are you Robbie Clark?
- Yeah.
Is this your phone?
Yeah.
You want to sign for it?
Sign for it?
Procedure.
Sure.
- You're under arrest.
- What the...
Turn around, put your
hands on the counter there.
Put your head down.
You're under arrest for intentionally conveying
false information concerning explosives.
It was a joke!
- Who are you?
- I'm his friend.
- What's your name?
- Robby.
He's Robbie!
I'm Robby, too, but
it's spelled different.
Were you with him when he made the call?
It was a joke.
How do you know? 'Cause I was with him!
You're under arrest.
Oh, come on, man.
Turn around, put your
hands on the counter.
Can we determine if there
actually is a bomb in the building?
- There isn't.
- You sure?
I swear to God.
I trust him, but just in case, why don't
we handcuff him to the building overnight?
I'll be back in the booth.
What, you have a beef with the
sketch? The Mohammed sketch.
- No, sir.
- Yeah?
Do you even know who Mohammed is?
Ali?
No, not Muhammad Ali.
Are our parents gonna
find out about this?
Along with the FBI.
You're not gonna fly on a plane for
a while, go to college or get a job.
What the hell were you thinking?
Honestly, sir, honestly, I just thought...
I thought it would be on the
news and we'd see it on TV.
- Take 'em away.
- Why wasn't it on the news?
It's Friday night.
Aren't bomb threats a big deal?
You'd think so, wouldn't you?
15 seconds back.
Just keep it together, smile, be
upbeat, nice polite good nights.
Thank the cast and crew, Macy
Gray, Matt and Danny...
Thank you.
Just like that but nicer.
In five, four, three...
That's our show! Thanks
to the cast and crew.
Thanks to Macy Gray.
Thanks to Danny Tripp and Matt Alb...
All right, you know what? That's it!
I'm supposed to stand here and pretend a
German Shepherd isn't sniffing me right now.
The whole night has
been a complete disaster.
The prop guys walk out 'cause
Danny Tripp is an idiot!
And there are no cue cards!
I had no cash in my wallet!
And the machine gun went off
a half hour after I got shot!
Allison, Allison. I turned off your mic after
you said, "That's our show. " Nobody can hear you.
You're just coming off like a madwoman.
Now I'm turning you on in the control
room. If you can hear me, say, "Thank you."
Thank you.
It was a bad show. Can you hear me?
Yeah, thank you very much.
I mean, classically bad.
But it still beats digging
a hole for a living, right?
Tell me you still didn't have
the time of your life tonight.
Thank you.
We're out.
- =TLF SUB TEAM= /tlfsub. eastgame. net