Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (2006–2007): Season 1, Episode 16 - 4 A.M. Miracle - full transcript

- You understand you're not a defendant?
- I'd hope not.

- I'm sorry?
- I said, I would hope not.

I wasn't working here.
I've never met this girl.

You're right, I'm sorry.
I have that in my notes.

- Is this kind of lawsuit common?
- Common enough that I make a living.

- A good one?
- Pretty good one.

- Have you taken depositions?
- We're about to.

We're in what's called "depo prep."

She filed a claim with the EEOC
last May.

Equal Employment Opportu... The... Eq...

The Commission for...



Equal Employment
Opportunity Commission.

- I'd have gotten there.
- TMG interviewed the defendants.

Ronald Oswald, Richard Tahoe,
Wes Mendell...

...NBS Studios, NBS
and, of course, TMG.

I'd like to point out again
that my name isn't in there.

- There is no record. We're just talking.
- Well, there should be a record...

...because my name isn't in there,
because I wasn't working here.

July, TMG responds to the EEOC
with a "no claim."

They don't see their employees
as culpable.

Especially me.

The EEOC finds that
there's no probable cause...

...giving Ms. Salzburg a right to sue.

- Which she does.
- November, Ms. Salzburg files suit.

Is she claiming that she was
touched inappropriately?



Is she claiming one of her superiors
told her she'd be fired...

...if she didn't sleep with them?

Or told her she couldn't get
a sketch on the air...

...unless she slept with them?
- No.

She was forced to work
in a hostile environment...

...and was terminated for...
Well, you know why.

No. I actually don't.

For not participating in.
For not being one of the boys.

She was fired because she was lousy.

- You weren't here.
- No.

So it's 10:00 at night.

What do you wanna do?

Hey, can you get me Andy,
Lucy and Darius too?

- Yeah.
- Forget it. I'll go down.

- How's it going?
- We're nowhere.

- You always say that.
- It's true.

- And it always turns out fine.
- Why don't you go home?

Are you staying?
I go home when you go home.

- I may not go home.
- You should go home.

- We're looking for a 4 a.m. miracle.
- Is that what it sounds like?

An unexplainable and extraordinary event
that happens around 4 a.m.

Sleep deprivation
erodes your internal censors...

...and allows you
to come out of yourself.

Should I order you food?

- What are you eating?
- Veggie burger.

Don't. If you want vegetables, go ahead,
but don't eat pretend food.

- That's prop food.
- I'm trying to lose 10 pounds.

- Don't do that either. You're perfect.
- Stop making fun of me.

- I'm not. Look at you.
- Stop it.

If I was a little younger and less famous
and made less money, I would...

Thanks. Did you want the guys here
or are you going down?

No, I'm going down
into the darkest depth of darkness.

And depth.

- Nothing's working?
- No.

I saw the Cinemax sketch.
I laughed a little.

I'll tell you what I don't like
making fun of: soft-core porn.

I could be at a party and meet someone
from the world of soft-core porn...

She'll realize you're the one
who makes fun of her craft.

- She won't dress up as a stewardess.
- Costumes aren't really my thing.

I get enough of that here.
What I like is an executive.

Glasses, heels.
Glasses are incredibly important.

- That's a costume, Matt.
- No, it's not.

She'd knock on my door, late at night...

Excuse me. Matt?

I'm Mary Tate, the attorney
from Gage Whitney.

Did they tell you I was coming over?

This is so weird.

No one told you I was coming?

I'm sorry.

- Your name again?
- Mary Tate.

- You're a lawyer?
- Yeah, from Gage Whitney.

We're part of the group representing...

- Is it all right to talk?
- Yeah.

We're the group representing you
in the suit Karen brought.

You're not representing me,
I'm not a defendant.

Which is unusual because
I'm a professional defendant.

- Why?
- Five people are claiming...

...they wrote a screenplay I wrote.
- Did they?

No. Know how you know? If
they'd written it, they'd have written it.

Doesn't Writers Guild
take care of that?

These people aren't members.
How can I help you?

We're in preparation
for the depositive phase.

I wanted to get a better sense
of the work environment.

- Do you mind if I hang out and watch?
- I do. I'm sorry.

I've been given permission.
I was being polite.

- Permission from who?
- Jordan McDeere.

- Jordan?
- Matt, I forgot to tell you...

...a lawyer named Mary Tate is
coming over. I want you to give her...

...whatever she needs.
- Okay.

She's representing us
in this Salzburg thing.

Try to demonstrate we don 't make our
employees feel sexually uncomfortable.

- I'll do my best.
- Matt, she's really hot.

She's your type.
She's got that Shannon Tweed...

Okay, then. I'm gonna head down
to the writers' room now.

- Great.
- Not much is gonna happen.

I'll tell them I don't like their pitches,
have them come up with new ones.

- Okay.
- Okay.

How much is she suing for?

They don't have to tell us yet.
Probably low eight figures.

- Are you kidding?
- They'd claim you stunted her career.

Not me. I wasn't here. I was stealing
a screenplay from five different people.

- What career path?
- Staff writer to story editor...

...story editor to producer, co-exec,
executive producer. Your job.

Judge will hear an argument
that takes place on Nutsopolis.

When were these pitches
handed up to you?

Well, a bunch of pitches were submitted
to me on Monday.

- You rejected them?
- Yes. More on Tuesday afternoon...

...Tuesday night,
this morning and tonight.

- They were all rejected?
- Yes.

- What is it you're looking for?
- A woman who gets me.

- I mean, really gets me.
- Matt...

Something I can write.
I'm looking for an idea I can write.

Hey, guys. Two years ago, a staff writer
named Karen Salzburg was fired...

...and she's claiming it was because
she complained about sexual harassment.

- Why do you think she was fired?
- She couldn't write.

- Darius?
- She couldn't write.

- Lucy? Remember, you're a woman.
- I'll try. It's because she couldn't write.

How many people in this room
worked here two years ago?

Lucy, have you been sexually harassed
at this job?

You're telling me there's money in it?

That's it. Sit your fine, fine ass
down at the other end of the table.

That's the punishment chair.
We do this nice and professional.

But you can get out
of the punishment chair...

...if you can tell me the title of Samuel
Taylor Coleridge's most famous poem.

"Ode to a Grecian Urn."

- Sit your sweet British ass back down.
- It's "Kubla Khan."

"Kubla Khan" and he wrote it instantly
at 4 a.m.

Three hundred lines.
He woke up from a dream.

- You didn't like the pitches.
- I was getting there.

- You're taking a while.
- Some are good.

I have to disagree with you.

Come on, look at Nancy Pelosi,
it's got a great...

Okay, can you tell us exactly
what you didn't...?

Guys, he didn't like any of the pitches.
This isn't Meet the Press.

- We'll have a new round in a few hours.
- Four a.m. miracle.

Remember, when Coleridge
woke and began writing...

...he was interrupted by a knock...

...and when he got back,
he'd forgotten it.

That's why the full poem is "Kubla Khan.
A Vision in a Dream. A Fragment."

What's the full title of "Kubla Kahn"
and who wrote it?

Gene Roddenberry.

Not The Wrath of Khan, "Kubla."

- I don't give a damn. We gotta get going.
- I know.

We gotta build sets, we gotta put
down camera marks...

...sound, wardrobe, effects,
legal clearances...

- I know. Unless there's a sketch there...
- There's nothing here?

- lf there was a pitch I liked, I'd write it.
- "Jason the Mason" is funny.

And for all I know,
it could be a funny sketch...

...but the Masons are a secret society.
You can't do research...

...unless you join,
then they swear you to secrecy.

I thought it was the other kind of mason.

- Bricklayers?
- They work with all kinds of materials.

Isn't Harriet back?

- Set called, they're running over.
- We're supposed to get her at 10.

There's nothing to rehearse.
What's it matter?

It matters because there's such a thing
as the way things are done.

We're letting her do this movie, she's
there with Luke and his feature crew...

...and his movie budget on a bedroom set
wearing a nightgown, snorting coke...

...with Luke's on-set mood music,
trying to seduce a 17-year-old actor.

The coke is powdered baby's milk,
so I wouldn't worry.

- That's not the point.
- I know it's not the point.

The first day at work, I said, "You
and Harriet, is it gonna be a problem?"

You said, "No, Danny, no.
It's not gonna be a problem."

Did I say it in the same creepy,
little voice you just used?

- Can I help you at all?
- No, thank you.

Please apologize to the department heads.
I'll have more pages coming soon.

I'm gonna cover anyone who wants
to get a hotel room for a few hours.

- You don't need anything?
- No.

- Think about "Jason the Mason."
- I'm gonna give that a lot of thought.

All right, we're close, everybody.

All right, here we go, people.

Keep it down.

- Guys, settle.
- Rolling.

- Picture's up.
- A mark.

Mark.

And action.

You have a gun.

- It's Keith's.
- What's it for?

Anita.

You scared the bloody hell out of me.

Being scared is the fun of it.

There are no bullets in there, right?

We're just saying she's guilty
of manslaughter?

- Cut.
- Cut.

- Back to one.
- Sorry.

- Harry.
- Reloading.

- Camera reloads.
- Off the bell.

Take us off the bell, please.

- Thank God you're pretty.
- I do every day...

...but I think Anita's culpability
is unambiguous at this point.

She's not pulling the trigger.

He's 17, she's got him loaded
on heroin and coke...

...saying, "If you're a man,
play Russian roulette...

...then screw me
like my boyfriend, Keith Richards."

In real life, she wasn't even in the house
and a jury said she wasn't guilty.

- In this movie, she is.
- Luke...

Harriet.

- Just shoot the scene?
- Just shoot the scene.

I promise I'm getting enough coverage
of the scene...

...so that we can keep having this
argument all through postproduction.

- Got it.
- Harriet?

- Phone call.
- She can't take it.

- It's Danny Tripp.
- We're on his time.

Go ahead, we're reloading.

Thanks.

- Hello?
- I was supposed to have you back at 10.

I'm sorry, we're behind.

- How behind?
- One shot left. How's it going there?

- We're a little behind here too.
- How behind?

I don't know.
When you get back here...

...could you just fake it with him
or something?

- Danny...
- Just make him feel better and all right.

- I'm not responsible for this.
- That's the last thing I care about.

It's worse when you're up all night
shooting with Luke.

Here we go, people. On a bell, please.

I'm in the middle of a scene right now.
I'll be back as soon as I'm wrapped.

Hey.

Ready to go?

I called your office.

- They told me you'd just left.
- You can't go to dinner?

- I can. I just can't this minute.
- Well, it's okay. What's going on?

Nothing, it's just he's not anywhere yet.

It's Wednesday night. It all
comes together on Wednesday night.

Why do I pay you
for Monday and Tuesday?

- Because you love me.
- A little.

- No. Huge.
- I've loved other guys. It's passing.

No, and I'll tell you something else.

If I died tragically tonight,
you would be devastated.

- Why tonight?
- I'm not. If I did, you'd be shattered.

- I'd be fine. Why are you gonna die?
- Could be anything.

Should I go home?

Can you lie down for an hour
and then we'll get a hamburger?

- Can I go play with Harriet?
- Harriet's on the Rolling Stones set.

She'll be back soon.

- What just happened?
- Check this out.

It's called a RealCare Baby.

It's got a battery
and a computer chip inside.

It has a diaper sensor area,
a mouth-feeding sensor area...

...pressure points
so it knows when it's being burped.

It cries if its head isn't supported,
and if it lies in the wrong position...

- What is it?
- It's a practice baby.

- Five ninety-nine.
- You spent $600 on a doll?

I get two months of practice.

Honey, you know what? Sit down.

It just told me I'd stuffed it
in a Prada bag.

- The real baby's gonna do that too.
- But now I know not to, you know...

- Stuff the baby in a bag?
- Yeah.

- You knew that before.
- Now I can practice comforting.

- You turned it off with a remote.
- I know, but because you distracted me...

Listen. I know you're nervous...

...and God understands that...

...so he made the first year
an on-ramp. Okay?

You're not up to full speed,
you're just merging with other traffic.

You know how many times I've busted
my car merging with traffic?

- All right, you don't drive the baby.
- Look...

Ever.

The baby eats, the baby sleeps,
the baby can't move itself.

So unless you put it to bed in
a lobster pot, the baby's gonna be fine.

- Lana says...
- Lana the lesbian Lamaze lady?

- She's not lesbian.
- She better hope she's lesbian.

- She hates men.
- She wears a turban.

- Did she tell you to buy this?
- Yes.

- Does she sell them, by any chance?
- Yes.

All right, you don't drive the baby and
don't go near the college tuition money.

Swell.

A hundred bucks says you can't keep
the fake baby alive until we leave tonight.

- Really?
- Any time we want...

...we hook it up to the computer
for full information.

Sleeping, eating, diaper changes,
any big blows to the head or torso.

- How do I feed it?
- Same way.

I'll do it for two reasons.

To stick it to Lana and all the Lanas
out there and to take your money.

You sure? Because you've got a lot of
work to do and you're a pretty big spaz.

Turn the baby back on.

Being scared is the fun of it.

There's no bullets in there, right?

- Oh, my stars, that's bad acting!
- And cut.

- Really very bad acting.
- And cut.

Let's go again.

- Props, let's reset the squib, roll back.
- I'm so sorry.

Lying in bed with you, blowing my
brains out over and over is therapeutic.

- I've had other men say that.
- Harry!

- Here's one.
- How are you doing?

- There's literally blood on my hands.
- It's looking good.

We'll get one more
and go in for coverage.

I'm supposed to be over there
on Wednesdays.

- We're going as fast as we can.
- I'm feeling guilty.

- Explain to me how...
- In coverage.

Coverage isn't gonna change the scene,
it's just gonna get it from other angles.

- Yeah?
- Harry...

Why'd you say we'd get it in coverage?

I was hoping you wouldn't
think too much about that.

- This is a big deal.
- I agree.

She wasn't in the room
when he shot himself.

- According to her.
- And every existing record of the event.

- Everyone says she wasn't in the house.
- No one else is alive.

- What if she went into the bathroom?
- What's the difference?

- We wouldn't be making her responsible.
- Are you kidding me with this?

She's responsible
whether she's facing him or not.

You want her to powder her nose...

...while he shoots himself with the gun
she told him to play with?

- You had two months with this script!
- I know.

- And two and a half weeks' rehearsal!
- I know.

I wanna know why
this is coming up tonight.

- You feel guilty about what?
- We'll do it this way. I'm ready to go.

You said, "I'm just feeling guilty."

Matthew and I had a terrible fight.
I said terrible things to him.

When?

The night you came to my house?

We're ready for you, sir.

You picked a pretty good time
to bring this up.

- Let's go.
- Here we go, everyone.

- On a bell, please.
- Everybody back to one.

All right, let's go. You guys propped?

It's a single-cell paramecium.
It's a semi-permeable membrane.

God, doctor, it's a single...

Don't you understand, doctor?
It's a single-cell paramecium.

- Yeah?
- Can Mary come in?

They're on Harriet's last shot.
A car will bring her.

- Thanks.
- Hi.

- Sorry to bother you.
- How was the room?

- Quiet.
- Sorry?

No, I'm saying the room was quiet.

Yeah. It's harder for them
to do what they have to do...

...with someone around,
so if we can wrap this up.

- How many writers are on staff?
- Those three and me.

Aren't there usually 15?
What happened?

Thirteen of them quit. I hired Andy
to supervise the other two.

- Are you gonna hire more?
- We're doing fine.

Except it's Wednesday at midnight
and you don't have anything written yet.

Yeah.

And your ratings have slipped
over the last four shows.

Mary, any time you want to take my job,
just feel free.

What do our ratings have to do
with this ridiculous lawsuit?

- Nothing.
- Then...

I'm just poking at you, Matt, to try to
find out how good a witness you'd be.

A bad one.
I wasn't a witness to anything.

It's likely you'll be asked to talk
about what a writers' room is like.

The 13 writers that quit did it because
of Richard Tahoe and Ron Oswald, right?

- Yeah.
- You don't like them, right?

Ricky and Ron are two of the defendants.
You don't like them, right?

- I like them fine.
- Do you?

- Yeah.
- Wanna look at my notes?

I've got 14 people who tell me
you can't stand them.

Those 14 people are less discreet
than I'd hoped.

Lie like you did under oath,
I'm screwed.

A difference between lying
and being polite.

- Don't be polite.
- We're being sued for not being polite.

- Not you.
- Yes, me.

Headlines are gonna say Studio 60
and that's me.

That's right, so help me out.

- You want a drink?
- Sure.

- Vodka all right?
- Thanks. With a twist.

This isn't the Oak Room.
There's vodka, ice and a glass.

That sounds good.

I'm not a fan of Ricky and Ron,
they're not fans of mine.

But I've never seen them behave
unprofessionally.

I've never seen anyone
behave unprofessionally.

- Technically, you have.
- How's that?

Your relationship with Harriet Hayes.

Hey, well, I may not be
the smoothest guy in the world.

But I won't characterize my relationship
with Harriet as sexual harassment.

NBS has a policy on sexual behavior
between willing, reasonable coworkers.

Oh, believe me, the last thing Harriet is
is reasonable, so we're in the clear.

You weren't.

Well...

...I was in love with her, so tough.

- That's sweet.
- What the hell...? Thank you.

What the hell reason could there be
for having that policy?

- It can be a real mess.
- How?

This is an all-night work session,
you want Harriet here...

...but you won't insist,
as you're entitled...

...that she walk off set because
you don't want her to think you're petty.

- Did you study before you came here?
- Yeah.

- For what?
- Six hundred dollars an hour.

Hey, we're having a glass of vodka.

Just between you and me, isn't Harriet
the reason you're having trouble writing?

And isn't the writing connected
to the ratings?

Anyway, it can be a real mess.

- What's going on?
- Go back to sleep.

What did you do?

Why do you assume I did something?
I was sitting.

- The baby's crying.
- Can we stop calling it the baby?

Sure. Just give me the $ 100
and go tell Lana you're a loser.

- There are five things it could be.
- You have two minutes.

- Until what?
- Till it registers neglect.

Burping?

- No.
- It's two minutes...

...from when it started crying,
so a minute and a half.

Rocking?

- No.
- You're shaking it like it's a snow globe.

- Does smacking the mother ever help?
- A minute 15.

Feeding? Where's the bottle?

Here it is.
Right there where it's supposed to be.

Here you go.

- That's the way we do it downtown.
- Very nice.

- Let someone take you home.
- I'm fine.

- You need more sleep.
- I'm sleeping right now.

- You're talking to me.
- Like it takes a lot of mental energy.

- Let me have somebody take you home.
- I like it here with you.

Okay, easy does it.

You said something nice.

Be careful when you do that,
the sky could fall.

- I understand.
- Go back to sleep.

I don't know, my friend.
I just don't know.

- What's the problem?
- I'm in a hotel.

I go in the bathroom, there's
a shower cap in a cardboard package.

You know what it says on the package?
"Fits one head."

- That's helpful information.
- "Fits one head."

You buy an iron,
look at the box.

It says, "Warning, do not iron clothes
while wearing them."

A carton of pudding, "Caution,
pudding gets hot when heated."

We shouldn't be giving these warnings.
We interfere with the thinning of the herd.

- What?
- It's late-night comedy.

What'd she think a writers' room
would be like?

- Karen Salzburg?
- Karen Salzburg.

- Did you know her well?
- I remember saying hello a few times.

- Me too.
- Never anything sexual.

I flirted with her.

- You did?
- Yeah.

- What kind of flirting?
- Regular flirting.

Though I've got some game, so...

- You know.
- What?

- I slept with her.
- Are you kidding me?

- Once!
- She's suing us, Simon.

- Three times.
- Did you tell anyone?

- I'm telling you.
- It's serious.

I know it's serious.

I've been having a stroke ever since that
lawyer walked into the building tonight.

By the way, have you observed the legs
on this lady?

- You gotta go talk to the lawyer.
- I'll lose my job.

I'll lose my house.

I'll lose my Lincoln Navigator.
My Navigator, Tom.

- Excuse me, guys.
- Hey.

I need to keep this doll
in your dressing room.

- Sure. Why?
- It's called a RealCare Baby.

It's got sensors that tell you when
it's hungry or tired. That sort of thing.

Or not supported.

Jordan's asleep in my office
and the thing keeps crying...

...so I'll keep it here for a while.

She doesn't think I can
take care of a baby.

So if any of the sensors go off,
you have to tell me immediately.

- Done.
- No problem.

Thank you.

You gotta tell the lawyer.

I tell her and in a month, I'll be doing
infomercials for press-in curls...

...and she'll be living in my house
and driving around in my Navigator.

- You like that car, don't you?
- I do.

- And cut.
- Cut.

- Let's go again.
- Reloading.

Camera reloads. Sound reloads.

Sound reloads.

Could I have her just a second?

- What happened?
- No, you're right.

This is the worst time to talk about it.

- What happened?
- Nothing.

Harry.

There was this charity online auction
to take me to the dinner...

...the Catholics in Media dinner.

Matt bid on me because he thought
you were bidding on me.

And we had a fight.

I mean, it got really bad.
He wasn't even provoking me...

...but I just kept coming at him
and pummeling him...

...and all he really did was give money
to a charity he doesn't even like.

I don't care.

You asked me what happened.

- I thought it was about you and me.
- I hit him over the head with you.

He's a big boy. He'll get over it.

He didn't deserve it.

- He never would've done that to me.
- You ready to go back to work?

I'm sorry.

- How much longer...?
- As long as I feel like.

Let's go. Picture's up.

- We might be looking at this wrong.
- Talk to me.

Doesn't this help our case
if you slept with her?

- She slept with you willingly, right?
- Eagerly.

- Three times.
- Yeah.

Wouldn't that demonstrate
that she's into deviant sex?

Simon!

In here. And shut up.

Oh, cool. A guillotine.

Props just finished it.

It's Marie Antoinette. It works like
those things we had when we were kids.

- What things?
- The mini guillotines.

What are you talking about?

- You didn't have one?
- I wasn't raised by the Addams Family.

You stuck a carrot in,
and it chopped it in half...

...then you stuck your finger.
It's a trick.

- Stick your head in.
- Get out of here.

- Come on. Tom.
- No, I don't think so.

- It's not even gonna touch you.
- Use this.

Great. Good.

Ready?

- Yeah.
- I didn't have it set right.

You better glue that back on
before Danny sees it.

- How's it going?
- Good.

- Oh, my God!
- Except we beheaded the baby.

What the hell did you do?

- Problem?
- Yes, it's a problem.

This is a special doll
with computer sensors.

I've heard about those things.
They're supposed to be indestructible.

Yeah, they are, unless you drop an
80-pound hydraulic ax on their head.

- So it's one of those?
- Yeah, one of those.

It's Jordan's and she bet me
that I couldn't keep it alive...

...and I was doing fine
till Sacco and Vanzetti...

- It was Cal!
...decide to chop the baby's head off!

Why use anybody?

I wanted to test it before we put
Ren?e Zellweger's head there.

You gotta take this to Props,
get it fixed...

...and get them to screw
with the computer chip.

That's no problem.
You want it to do anything else?

- Like what?
- I don't know, dance?

No. Just fix it.

What's your problem?

Well, you know how Karen Salzburg
is claiming sexual harassment?

Yeah?

Turns out she may have a point.

- You know what?
- What?

You do have a twist, smart-ass.

- A lemon. I found a lemon.
- This is the first time I'm reading it.

- The full complaint?
- Yeah, I'd just looked at excerpts.

Here she's complaining that there was
a prolonged discussion about bulimia.

- How was she offended?
- Could be seen as denigrating to women.

It's not denigrating to women,
it's denigrating to food.

She also suing every newsstand
that carries US Weekly?

She doesn't have to work at the
newsstand. All I need is a small knife.

I'll show you a cool way
to peel a lemon.

- Matt...
- Hang on.

- I think you're gonna find it's very cool.
- Hang on one second.

- You got to it?
- They're talking about...

- On page 36?
- They're talking about Harriet.

"Plaintiff observed the male writers
discussing the female cast members.

Plaintiff observed the male writers
discussing the ways...

...in which they might have intercourse
with Harriet Hayes."

Why was it important that I read that?

I needed to make sure
you're on our side.

- Well, these guys suck.
- Matt...

Some of these guys are my friends.

You wanna take a minute?

And cut. Let's go one more time.
One more time.

One more time.

- Got it with you out of the room.
- Thanks.

One more time,
then you're out of here.

I'm sorry about before.

I started talking about Matt.
It's pretty insensitive.

- Especially with you directing.
- Yeah.

I think...

I think because of this scene, maybe I
was starting to feel mystery guilt about...

Yeah, the guilt isn't a mystery to anyone
capable of cognitive thought.

You pummeled him so he'd fight back
and confessed it to me so I'd free you.

Which I'm doing right now.

- You're breaking up with me?
- Yeah.

- Let's go, let's reset.
- Luke...

He's an arrogant, self-destructive,
egomaniacal prick.

You say that like it's a bad thing.
I was kidding.

Let's go.

- Luke.
- What?

I can't let you talk about Matthew
like that.

I can't let you talk about Matthew
like that.

Because he'd never let anybody talk
about me like that.

- You're a sucker, Harriet.
- Maybe.

He'd never go three hours
into overtime...

...to screw with some guy
who used to be his friend.

Print takes four, seven, 12, 14 and 15.
You got the shot. I'm out of here.

"One writer wanted to nail her
under the cross in a church.

Another wanted to bend her
over a chair as she confessed.

Another wanted to get her on her knees
at Communion."

- Baptists don't go to confession.
- That probably wasn't the point.

No, I don't think it was.

Matt.

I'm assigned to you. You're my witness.
Are you gonna be a good one?

You wanna screw these guys now?

I don't want to screw them.
I want to take a bat to their heads.

Well, here's your chance. Right?

Conversations described on these
pages, they never led to a sketch.

- It doesn't matter.
- Say it again?

It doesn't matter.
No conversation like this...

...has or would ever go on
in a room I was running.

But there's a lot of good writing
that comes out of rooms I don't run.

- Yeah, I'm your witness.
- Good. I thought so.

- Excuse us.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- How you doing?

Simon. He's got something
he wants to tell you.

- Okay.
- Go ahead.

I slept with Karen Salzburg.

- Is there any way this helps us?
- No.

- I told you.
- When?

- I don't remember.
- Around when?

I don't remember much. I know
it was when she was working here.

I know she was a very tall, very beautiful
redhead with a bit of a weakness for me.

- I am a bit of weakness for some...
- Simon!

Karen Salzburg is short and blond.

- Then who was the tall redhead?
- I don't know.

- Connie Bryer.
- Connie Bryer! Yes!

- I should call her.
- Why don't you go do that?

That was time and energy
wasted on nothing.

Yeah, keep up the good work.

Are you almost done with my boy here?
Because he's got a lot of work to do.

- Almost.
- All right, I'm just gonna step outside.

It's nice when you count on someone's
character and they don't disappoint.

I wanna give you my card.

You can use that for...
Well, whatever you wanna use it for.

- Are you asking me on a date?
- I was asking you to ask me on a date.

You're a sexual-harassment specialist
asking...

I get the irony.

Wanna wait till you have Harriet
out of your system?

- I probably should.
- How long do you suppose that'll take?

Well, I have a hunch it's gonna be
a while, but you're all right for asking.

No wonder the girls like you.

I heard that.
You're out of your mind.

- What did I do now?
- Smart, beautiful woman asking you out.

- What's going on with our numbers?
- What?

What's going on with our numbers?
Partner?

I thought I had trained you
not to look at them.

You did, but the sexual-harassment
lawyer who asked me out...

...was using an example of inter-office
relationships screwing things up.

She suggested that our numbers
are going down because...

...I was in a bad place about Harriet.
- That is a ridiculous example.

If you broke up with someone
who hadn't worked here, they...

- Nonetheless.
- Nonetheless what?

- Come on.
- They've trended down for two shows.

- That isn't even a trend.
- But it does coincide...

- Please.
- I've been faking it.

- The numbers don't have anything...
- I'm not talking about the numbers.

She doesn't come up here anymore.

I had no idea how much I needed
having her around.

I know.

All right.

Enough. I've got some things. Andy,
Lucy, Darius, they've got some things.

- We're gonna be fine.
- We are.

- I swear.
- I know.

Okay.

- Matt?
- Yeah.

Not so much of this, okay?

Danny.

- Is it fixed?
- Brand-new baby.

- Talk to me.
- An hour of bionic pediatric surgery.

- What about the computer chip?
- Clean.

It thinks it slept three hours, was fed,
changed, spoken to in a soothing voice.

- I think we might be onto something.
- Let me know how it goes.

Jordan.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I'm gonna get somebody
to take you home.

- Where's the baby?
- Right here.

Was everything all right?

You can write me that check
for 100 bucks.

Yeah, I think I'll plug it up to
the computer and find out for myself.

Be my guest.

Hi.

How you doing, little...?

- What's that?
- That never happened while I cared for it.

- What did you do to it?
- I'll tell you what I did.

That baby was in an accident.
As babies sometimes are.

And I rushed it immediately
to a doctor of some sort.

- What kind of accident?
- A freak accident.

What kind of freak accident?

It was decapitated in an 18th-century
French guillotine.

And what kind of doctor?

Our property master
and director of special effects.

They are the best in the business.

- His eyes flew out of his head.
- They enjoy a practical joke.

How did the baby get in the guillotine?

How did the baby get in the guillotine?

This is the part of the story
where I get points.

You were sleeping here
while I was working...

...and I didn't want the baby's crying
to wake you.

Couple of points.
So, what happened next?

So I asked Tom and Simon
to take care of it.

- And I take the points back.
- Fair enough.

And, for sure, I don't think you should
have to give me the $ 100.

Well, thank you.

- What am I gonna practice with now?
- Nothing.

You'll be a great mother.

And you won't be by yourself.
I'm not going anywhere.

Okay, good, because
between the two of us...

Now we know not to put
the baby's head in a guillotine.

We knew that before.

- I'm gonna have someone take you home.
- You're staying?

I'm gonna stay around Matt.

Why, professor, don't you see...?
My God, professor, don't you see...?

It's a single-cell paramecium.

That's where I get stuck.

I'll put my stuff downstairs and
come back and see if I can unstick you.

I'd appreciate that.

Four a.m. miracle.