Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (2006–2007): Season 1, Episode 15 - The Friday Night Slaughter - full transcript
Matt recalls how he met Harriet.
Roll Camera C, arm it around.
Arm it around.
Just the mouth, please.
Let's make that a nice dissolve tonight,
should be a push-in on the chorus.
Someone mark the dissolve
and a shorter lens on two and three.
- Sound?
- You got them.
Dial down her monitors
a point when she turns upstage.
Go ahead and stomp it out
if the auto's late.
And ready one. Go one.
- Yeah.
- Hi, this is Jordan McDeere...
...I'm the president
of NBS West Coast Entertainment.
Yes, ma'am.
I'm concerned that not enough
of your cameras are aimed at her chest.
Well, I got all four of them working,
but this is just dress.
I can bring in some IMAX equipment
for tonight.
This is what you like?
Me? No. I'll tell you why.
She's too sexy.
My hormones are like
the Los Alamos experiment right now.
- What's that mean?
- Cameras off her chest!
Okay. See you.
Dress is going pretty well.
Matt?
Dress is going pretty well.
Yeah.
This office isn't a bad vertical leap
from your first one.
What do you mean?
- Are you all right?
- Yeah.
You know,
I don't really like anything or anyone...
...but if you ever wanted
to talk about anything...
I was just saying, you know,
this is a nice step up...
...from your first office here.
Remember how you could hold out
a pencil in each hand...
...and write on both walls
at the same time?
That wasn't my first office,
that was my second office.
My first office was on the floor
outside the writers' room.
I sat there with newspapers
and a legal pad.
- These 15 gotta go in the vault.
- Right, right.
- Tim.
- Yeah.
What's going on?
I just got fired. Wes fired me.
What are you talking about?
Wes fired me. You get my office,
you'll share it with Luke.
Wait, wha...?
- Wait, what are you talking about?
- He caught me taking pills.
- When?
- Now. This morning. I was just...
I mean, it's the first...
- What's it matter? He went ballistic.
- Tim...
First pitch meeting of the year,
I'm here all night.
- Let him be funny without sleeping.
- He fired you?
I can have my job back
if I go to rehab.
Go to rehab.
I'm not begging for my job.
Why not?
- Also, you know, maybe...
- What?
Maybe it's a good idea.
Albie, go to hell.
Come on, Tim, wait a second.
You get my office.
I'm Harriet Hayes.
No, you're much too kind.
It's my turn to thank you
for being a terrific rehearsal audience.
We ask you to stay in your seats
another two minutes...
...so our director, Cal Shanley,
can practice...
...coming back for the good nights.
In the meantime,
I can tell you about what happens now.
Danny Tripp is heading up to
Matt Albie's office...
...and in the next hour, they're gonna
decide which sketches stay in the show.
It's called the Friday Night Slaughter.
People?
- Folks! Good morning!
- Hey.
- Hey. You hear about Tim?
- Guys! Guys!
Let's go! Hey! Everybody shut up!
Welcome to the first day of school,
everybody.
We've got presidential primaries
coming up.
We've got Heidi Fleiss
getting out of prison.
We've got Philip Morris
admitting cigarettes kill you.
By the way, smoking's no longer allowed
in the building.
- About time.
- Ridiculous!
And we've got an American
winning the Tour de France.
Wes will be coming in in a minute
to give us his pep talk...
...but before he does, l...
- Excuse me.
- You're late.
- I'm sorry.
- Who are you?
- I'm Harriet Hayes.
That's right. Everybody, this is
Harriet Hayes, she's joining us this year.
Don't be late again, Harriet.
- They didn't have my name...
- I don't care, don't be late.
Sure.
- Our host,
- It's okay.
...is Jennifer Love Hewitt...
- Thank you.
...musical guest, is 'NSync.
Now, we're gonna go arou...
- Albie.
- Yeah. Sorry.
If you pay attention, I think
you still have an excellent chance...
...of not getting a sketch on the air
this year either.
Okay, now we're gonna go
around the table...
...but first I have a few things
I'd like to throw out there.
Twenty-eight minutes long.
- Yeah.
- An embarrassment of riches.
- Yeah.
- It was good.
Here's 3:20, and here's 4: 10. 4:30.
Easy.
- You want it back?
- Let's just start with Juliette Lewis.
No, I'll fix that.
- You got other things to fix.
- Yeah, I know.
- We're a little Harriet-heavy tonight.
- Did it feel like that?
Yeah, because it is like that.
Let's cut Juliette Lewis.
- Stick a pin in it.
- Twenty-eight minutes heavy.
- Yeah.
- Yup.
- What's going on?
- Just the slaughter.
Well, you wrote Harriet enough material
for an HBO special.
- "The Fisherman"'s working well.
- Yeah, Tom's nailing it.
If we move it to the third C-break, I'll
reposition the flats for Wake Up, Idaho.
We're still gonna need
a clear thruway for News 60.
And we're gonna be long
coming out of the...
Do you know which room
they gave Harriet Hayes?
In J, but they're still cleaning it.
- Thanks.
- She's cute. Go get her, Matt.
Oh, no, I was just...
I'm gonna talk to her about a thing.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm Matt Albie.
Harriet Hayes. I'm sorry
if I got you into trouble upstairs.
Oh, that's okay.
I'm waiting to get in my room.
Danny Tripp's my best friend.
He says you're great.
That's sweet, thanks.
- Yeah.
- It's really something to be here.
Yeah. I was thinking maybe
I'd try writing something for you...
...and we could pitch it.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
You don't think it'd be better
if you wrote for the bigger guys?
Isn't there more chance
you'll get on the air...
...if you write for the bigger guys?
- Yeah.
I didn't mean to...
It's difficult getting sketches
on the air...
...in the beginning.
I've had plenty come close.
- I didn't mean...
- He was making a joke.
I know.
My stuff makes it to dress
but gets cut at the slaughter.
Maybe it wouldn't if you wrote
for the bigger guys.
Or maybe you'd get
on the air sooner...
...if you had the bigger guys
writing for you?
I'm new here, I don't wanna fight.
- We're not.
- It feels like we are.
You want me to write something for you
or you wanna stand here...
...with your carton and wait for someone
with a better r?sum? to walk by?
- It really feels like we're fighting.
- Do you have any voices?
- I'm sorry?
- Do you have any voices?
- Some.
- Who?
Julia Roberts, Neve Campbell,
I'm working on Juliette Lewis.
Can I hear Julia Roberts?
So, Edward, now that you have me here,
what are you going to do with me?
Are you a planner? Yeah, me too.
Actually, actually, no.
I wouldn't say I was a planner.
It's more of
a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants...
You wanna cut Julia Roberts?
I got Julia Roberts right.
- You got it right a long time ago.
- There is a theme...
...in Harriet's sketches tonight.
All the characters
debuted seven years ago.
- There's new stuff.
- So let's cut the old stuff.
- It works.
- No one's saying it doesn't...
...but we have to cut 28 minutes.
- Can we just stick a pin in it?
All right. Not for long.
"Metric Conversion"?
You guys know whatever happened
to Tim Batale?
- Who?
- Tim Batale.
- Who's that?
- The writer.
- Never heard of him.
- Tim.
- Don't remember.
- The writer, he worked here.
- Tim Batale?
- He had my first office, Wes fired him.
I don't remember him.
- "Metric Conversion."
- Are you senile?
- Me?
- Yeah.
- I hope so. If I've got further to fall...
- Tim Batale.
Matty, we don't remember him. Okay?
We're on the air in 75 minutes.
Really? Where's the clock in here?
It's too small, I can't see it.
"Metric Conversion."
- They're standing outside.
- Who?
Don't look. Tom and Dylan.
They're watching to see if we cut it.
Pretend you're talking to me.
Yeah. Yeah, I agree. Absolutely.
That's interesting. Yes. Yes.
Yes, you see, it could be in the show.
Or not in the show.
- In the show.
- Yes.
Or not in the show.
- They're doing that on purpose.
- They are.
They absolutely are.
Gonna go in there
and kick the holy crap...
Take it easy.
- You think this is funny?
- They're gonna know we're watching.
If they're doing it on purpose,
then they know we're watching.
That's true.
- It's a good sketch.
- A very good sketch.
Damn skippy.
- It's the little sketch that could.
- What do you mean?
We been trying to get it on
for weeks and we get this far...
...and it keeps getting cut, but despite
the rejection, we keep working on it.
- It is the little sketch that could.
- It will.
- It will.
- It's good.
- I'm telling you, it's good.
- It is.
Not that many people laughed.
Not as many as you'd like
in this situation.
Yeah, I see you in there, you Irish...
- Give me something. Irish what?
- Glorified electrician.
Glorified...
- That sucks, what are you doing to me?
- I know.
Well, now we're their bitches.
- Do it again.
- This sketch could be cut.
Yes. Interesting.
- Or not cut.
- Guys!
- Cut?
- Guys!
Come on in.
- Hi, it's me.
- Hi.
- I brought you this for your room.
- Oh, gosh, look at you.
I should have done it the first day.
Consider it a third-day-of-work present.
It's a maidenhair fern.
It's great, because they like shade.
Very finicky growers,
very delicate fronds.
It was the delicate fronds
that attracted my attention.
I'm gonna go get a little water for it.
I had an idea for you.
You've never seen me perform,
how do you know what I'd be good at?
I watched your audition tape.
When?
After I saw you Monday morning.
Then again after I came down here.
Tuesday a few times,
and this morning.
Really?
And again last night. I made a dub.
You know, you can sing too.
I didn't sing on my audition tape.
I asked around.
I can act too, I'm trained as a singer.
I didn't know that.
Oh, the things you don't know.
Like what?
You don't wanna know.
I work here, Harriet.
You can call me Harry.
- Harry?
- Yeah.
- That's nice.
- Thanks.
I was gonna say, there aren't a lot
of things that seem strange to me.
Okay.
I read a piece in U.S. News
& World Report...
...about
the next presidential elections...
Gore versus Bush or McCain.
- being strongly influenced
by values voters.
Yeah?
The Christian Right, evangelicals...
Honey-crusted nut bars.
Yeah.
Because surveys show people feel
America lost...
...its moral compass under Clinton.
- And?
We've gotta start
mocking these people.
Yeah.
Not just because
they're a vending machine...
...of punch lines,
because they're dangerous.
- Yes.
- This is the thought...
...that was running through my head
when I read yet another survey...
...that said,
and I'm not making this up...
...68 percent of Americans
believe in angels.
- Yeah.
- Okay, so here's the pitch:
You as a crazy Christian radio host who
believes in the literal truth of the Bible.
You answer callers' questions
and give advice on Revelations.
Your long-suffering staff has to keep
making up excuses...
...why you can't book an actual angel
as a guest, to shield you from your...
- Matthew.
- Call me Matt.
- I'm one of them.
- One of what?
The 68 percent.
I'm a honey-crusted nut bar.
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
Okay... Did I just offend you?
Are you freaking kidding me?
I'm very sorry.
I'm sorry.
Is this what you meant by,
"The things you don't know about me"?
Weren't you happier when you thought
I was talking about drugs?
- Mars Climate Orbiter was set to bring
back data through the rest of 1999.
Controllers at NASA are planning
to abandon the search for the...
Look at this. If I stand in the middle
of the room, I can write on each wall.
- You won't believe what I just did.
- Only room for one desk.
- You're on the floor.
- I went to Harriet's dressing room.
- Harriet?
- Hayes.
- I had my eye on her.
- To pitch her a sketch.
Just saying, I had my eye on her,
and I've got seniority.
Listen to me, please. I went down there
to pitch her a sketch...
...about a Christian radio host,
and it turns out she's a Christian.
- I'm a Christian.
- But she's, like...
...you know, a member.
- Really?
What were the odds of that?
The last two places
I'd expect to find the Christian Right...
...are the corridors of Studio 60
and a synagogue.
Did you offend her?
I couldn't have offended her more
if I re-crucified her savior.
It was stunning.
You have your eye on her?
She's cute as hell.
And she's got some game.
I looked at her audition tape.
She sings too.
No, she acts too, she's a singer.
She went to school
on a music scholarship.
A singing teacher.
- What do you mean, seniority?
- I've been here a year longer.
That just means you get the desk
and I sit on the floor.
The world's worst singing teacher.
It could be a running character,
stay on for years.
She'd be indebted to me for writing
so well for her, it'd feel like love.
Have you even spoken to her?
You're right, I should say hello.
I wasn't saying you should...
...do it now.
Hey.
Excuse me.
I just came back to get this last box.
Look, Tim, this is ridiculous.
We're friends, can we talk
about what's going on? Maybe...
My girlfriend's been in Toronto
making a movie.
She started up with
another guy in the cast.
I'm not funny when I'm feeling like this,
and that's how I pay my rent.
Who was I hurting?
That all makes sense to me.
I'm sure if you told Wes, it's...
No. I lost my job.
I just came by to get the box.
We got bigger problems than not funny,
we got not producible.
He always wore something...
Who?
Tim. He always wore,
like, for a year, he always wore...
I can remember it.
- Where are we?
- You owe me six minutes and change.
Not funny. "Shirts" stay late.
"Dance Party" is not 30 seconds long.
That's an incorrect timing.
- How long do you think?
- Felt like two minutes.
- Is she kidding?
- What?
The songs she's been playing all week.
The lyrics.
Jane found her.
Jordan McDeere for Danny.
Yeah?
She's singing
and there are no cameras...
...aimed at her chest, Danny.
Where are you?
Turn around
and look outside your office.
- Be right there.
- Okay.
- Excuse me.
- Go get her, Danno.
The other day,
when I told you to shut up...
...I meant keep shutting up until
I told you you didn't have to anymore.
- Okay.
- Okay?
- Yo.
- Shut up.
"Metric Conversion."
Big sketch, big sketch!
- Keep it in!
- Funny as hell, huh?
- You guys are embarrassing yourselves.
- Like we don't know that!
Big sketch!
What are you doing here?
There's a problem with my office.
Your office. If it's not the phone...
...it's the electricity
or the ceiling's fallen down...
- I know!
- What happened?
Well, I bought some pillows
at an auction, and the pillows...
...while fabulous,
do nonetheless have fleas.
- The pillows have fleas?
- They jumped to the couch.
Maintenance is fogging my office.
Won't let me back until Monday.
- Can I work here?
- I'm gonna kiss you first.
No! You can't right here,
I've checked it out.
There are public sightlines this way,
this way, that way, that way, this way.
There is a dead space under your desk,
but there isn't room...
...for both of us, so just cool off.
- Almost like you're St. Valentine himself.
All right, dummy up.
Are you for real?
- Hey, Hallie. Do you know Danny Tripp?
- I don't. Hallie Galloway, it's a pleasure.
- How do you do?
- Got a good show?
Right now I got a long show.
I'll head back to work.
Monday, we'll continue
talking about the marketing...
The what?
Marketing ideas
we were just talking about?
Sorry to harp on this. He got fired
because Wes caught him taking pills.
- I don't remember anything about that.
- A blue...
For a whole year, he wore
a blue oxford-cloth shirt with tan khakis.
- That's what everybody wears.
- Tim Batale.
I don't remember.
If you wanna move...
..."Singing Teacher"
up to the first half-hour...
...I need you to bump
something down for me.
Yeah, I'm thinking.
Come on in.
- Hi.
- It's me again.
- You ever go home?
- Do you?
No, this room's bigger than
my apartment. You want some coffee?
- So the angels...?
- Man...
I just wanna know,
you're talking about...
You don't just mean nice people,
you're talking halos, wings?
I don't know what angels look like,
Matthew, I've never seen one.
About how many are there?
- About 100 million.
- How do you know?
Revelations says so.
You're talking about Revelations 5: 11,
which says that:
"The number of them was
10,000 times 10,000."
Ten thousand times 10,000
is 100 million.
I know,
wonder why they didn't just say so.
Ten thousand times 10,000
is more poetic.
It is. Maybe they just didn't know
what 100 million was.
There was no need
for a number that high.
What can I do for you?
I had another idea for a sketch.
Luke pitched something
that sounded pretty funny.
Luke's really good.
A singing teacher whose
star pupils were the guys...
...who recorded
"Pac-Man Fever" in 1982.
You could be funny with that.
What were you thinking?
A different teacher. Brandi Chastain
as a social studies teacher.
Who's Brandi Chastain?
She just kicked the winning goal
for the women's World Cup team.
That wasn't Mia Hamm?
Brandi Chastain. And she ripped
her shirt off and twirled it around.
And that's what she could do every time
one of her students got an answer right.
It's funny the first time,
but what do we do after that?
Nothing, it wouldn't make it on the air,
it's one joke. I'm sorry.
I read your two one-act plays.
You like language, why are you trying
to impress me with physical comedy?
- You think I'm trying to impress you?
- Why'd you read Revelations?
Why'd you read my plays?
You hungry,
you wanna get something to eat?
I'm working with Luke.
That's good, Luke's good.
He's a good screenwriter too,
he'll make features pretty soon.
That's okay. I'm gonna work too.
I'll come up with something for you,
there isn't one ounce of quit in me.
Okay.
Tell you what,
he built that one to last.
- "Singing Teacher"?
- Yeah.
- Luke wrote "Singing Teacher"?
- Yeah, until he left.
You know what...
...anything of mine.
- What?
Bump anything of mine.
For the first half-hour...
...bump anything of mine
to make room for "Singing Teacher."
I need some advice.
- I'm your man.
- Yeah, you are.
Hurry up. What do you need?
And I'm not romantic?
I'm trying to finish the show.
A participant dropped out of
The Reckoning.
- I don't care.
- You care a lot, you know why?
Because if you care, I care?
There you go. Reggie Dobson was shot
by a gang member named Dusty D.
Reggie Dobson was paralyzed
from the waist down...
...but nonetheless is about to complete
his fourth year of medical school.
Filming begins Tuesday and Dusty D
was set to apologize to Reggie...
...Reggie was gonna forgive him.
- I wanna be hit with a blunt instrument.
Reggie's grandmother, who's raised him,
convinced him that he's being exploited.
Well, he is.
I know that. I'm the one
who's exploiting him.
Thing is, unless I convince
the grandmother to change her mind...
...the alternate Hallie lined up
is a porn star who was molested...
...by her swim coach
when she was 14.
Now we're talking.
Good taste says I need to go with
the paralyzed med student.
So if you're me, what do you say
to the grandmother?
I don't know, but can I be there
when you try to convince...
...an old lady that you like
the show you're making?
- No.
- Tell her... I don't know.
Danny!
Tell her that he, you know,
deserves to be celebrated...
...that he's an inspiration...
All right, he deserves to be celebrated.
You think that'll get traction?
No. Either she wants more money...
...or she's made up her mind.
Nothing in between.
- I gotta get back in there.
- Okay.
You hear this voice?
This voice is authoritative, confident.
This voice is always right.
Done?
Yes.
Danny, can we make our case
for not cutting "Metric Conversion"?
- Yeah.
- Point number one...
- Welcome back.
- Where are we?
- 4:20 fat.
- What do you say?
I don't know. What do you think?
- "Celebrity Poker"?
- It worked.
Did it?
- You don't think so?
- Don't know. I can't remember.
- It worked, I think...
- I'm sorry.
I'll be right back.
I gonna go ask Diana Valdes something.
Joe says one hour. Anyone who
wants their sketch in the pack...
...he needs it in an hour.
- Can you take a look at this?
- No.
Danny, would you mind
taking a look at this?
I'm sleeping, man. Get away from me.
Anybody here not working or asleep?
- I'm not doing either one.
- How you doing?
I've been sitting in the lobby
for six hours.
- Why?
- A pretty stunning lack of courtesy.
- Are you Simon Stiles?
- Yeah.
I saw you at Yale Rep in Lysistrata.
- Do you work here?
- Yeah. I'm Matt Albie, I'm a staff writer.
Can you tell me why I had a 2:00
audition for Wes Mendell...
...and I'm still sitting here at 8:00?
Wes likes to screw with people he likes,
see how they do with chaos.
How long would I be sitting here
if I was somebody he didn't like?
Hey, would you mind doing me a favor?
Would you take a look at this?
Oh, buddy, I've got the most
important audition of my life in...
Six hours ago.
All right.
- Okay, let me see it.
- It's called "Being Neve Campbell."
- It's a parody.
- Yeah.
Neve's in one of her "Oh, God,
Bailey's drinking again" scenes...
...when people start jumping
into her head...
...and making her do strange things.
- I'm reading it.
- You don't have to tell me about it.
- Sure.
- It's a great play, huh? Lysistrata.
- No.
- You don't like it?
- No.
Well, if you don't like Aristophanes,
there's not much chance... -
Who's Harriet Hayes?
- You wrote the cast list up in the corner.
- She was just hired here.
- Are you in love with her or just stupid?
- What do you mean?
If you're writing for a new cast member,
not much chance it'll get aired...
...and I've never heard of you
so you need to get on the air.
- So which one is it?
- I'm stupid.
You write like you're on a first date.
"Look at all the words I know."
Can I have my pad back, please?
Wes is ready for you now.
Good luck.
- I'm gonna do another pass.
- Good.
Come on in.
Hi.
- I can come back if you...
- No, that's okay.
Have I thanked you enough
for the break?
Oh, no, you're doing us a favor,
filling in at the last minute.
This is the second time
we've had to fill in for the White Stripes.
- Really?
- First time around...
...Jack White had laryngitis.
Well, I think it's really cool that
you guys used an unknown tonight.
You know, I was listening to you sing
on-stage during the break.
Oh, that was just a sound check.
I was noticing you write
a lot of lyrics about...
- Being really sad?
- Yeah.
I have a lot of inspiration.
That's what I wanted
to ask you about.
You're able to work
when you feel like that?
No, but I'm able to drink
when I'm feeling like that...
...and then I'm able to work.
- Okay.
Well, have a great show.
- Matt?
- Yeah.
You should carry around
a little bottle of this.
Why?
Your pupils are dilated.
Put a couple drops in.
- Oh, I was just in the control room and...
- You're high right now.
I love Schedule II narcotics.
They really affect your dreams.
There'll be things I thought happened
and then two days later...
...I'll realize I dreamt it.
Like I'll be certain I had a conversation...
...with my bass player and he'll be like,
"What are you talking about?"
Yeah?
Turns out I only dreamed it,
and I'd have sworn all up and down...
...in a court of law, Matt.
Well, I've been a little down lately
and I got a show to get done...
Well, take these.
You're gonna like them.
I'm all set.
- Take these.
- What are they?
You know what they are.
Have them with a glass of wine.
- I'm fine.
- Take them.
Thanks. You're great.
I'm glad Jane Fonda... Found you.
Thanks.
Well, have a great show.
- I really like it, Matthew.
- Thank you.
But you don't like it better than
"Singing Teacher," right?
Do I have to like one
more than the other?
- Yes.
- We can put both in the stack.
- Can we?
- Sure.
All right, this is it.
Last call for the stack.
- Right here.
- Here you go.
These are both for her?
- Yeah.
- Yup.
She's been here three days.
It's not likely either of them
will get on the air...
...but you know for certain
both of them aren't.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
And here's a chance, Mrs. Dobson...
...for Reggie to forgive the man
and put the past to rest.
Mrs. Dobson?
Well, like I said, ma'am, I can
understand your being wary.
- But, you know, Reggie's an inspiration.
- Yes, he is.
If he does this show,
millions of people will hear his story.
You figure he'll stop being
an inspiration unless he goes on TV?
Of course not.
Of course not, but don't you think
the more people...?
Miss McDeere, please forgive me
for interrupting you...
...but I wasn 't born yesterday,
and you know you ain 't putting...
...Reggie on your TV show
to inspire folks...
...you putting him on
to dance for them.
Well, he's in a wheelchair,
he don 't dance.
Yeah.
Mrs. Dobson, I came late to this.
Can I ask,
how did you make this decision?
I know he got a signed contract
with you, but my lawyer says...
Ma'am, nobody's gonna sue Reggie,
it's just not gonna happen.
I'm curious how you
came to the decision.
I sat in church
and I made my decision.
You attend church every day?
Just Sundays.
Mrs. Dobson,
this is Hallie Galloway again.
It's a competitive world out there.
This show will make Reggie a star.
He'll stand out.
Child, what in hell are you...?
He got shot in the spine...
...on his 14th birthday
and he gonna be a cardiologist.
Just what kind of star standout
do you want him to be?
You people got more nerve
than a toothache.
Mrs. Dobson, it's Hallie again.
If it's a matter of money, then...
It's not a matter of money.
Mrs. Dobson, we're very sorry
to take your time...
...and we hope you have a good day.
- Well, all right, then.
Go with the porn star
and the swim coach.
It's a blessing in disguise. Much more
promotable than a guy in a wheelchair.
I know that. So do you. That's why
you waited a week to tell me.
- I didn't wait...
- She made the decision after church.
She only goes to church on Sundays.
You're flying pretty close
to the fire, Hallie.
- It's gotta be soon, right?
- Yeah.
- I'm feeling a good vibe.
- Yeah.
I'll tell you this. If it doesn't make it
to air, it sure wasn't your fault.
- Wasn't your fault.
- You owned it.
- You owned it.
- You got a receipt for it, my man.
You're Tom Jeter, okay?
No more need to be said.
- You could've picked up the pace a little.
- Yeah.
- Maybe a little less mugging from you.
- No.
No, this is what they want,
to turn us against each other.
- You never mug, man.
- Your pacing is genius.
Here comes Andy.
He'll make us feel better. Andy.
You graceless, homicidal bastards.
I think if you go check the stage...
...you'll find jokes lying on the floor,
where you left them to die.
It was his pacing.
Should someone have indicated
to you on a map where Canada is?
Because your Canadian accent...
- Too much?
- Was Mexican.
This is the longest
they've ever taken to decide.
In the old days if your sketch
didn't make it on the air...
...they used to send you
downstairs naked to sell lemon drinks.
Shrouded only in your failure,
you'd explain to patrons...
...why you weren't good enough.
There used to be
a naked lemon-drink salesman?
- Yeah.
- That's right.
Just a couple more minutes.
Just telling them about the old days,
Matt. The slaughter.
Yeah?
You know, when men were men
and boys were scared.
- Not a place for joke blowers.
- Look...
Not a place for the mug-prone
or for the slow of pace.
You'd wait outside of Wes' office
for the moment when Joe...
...would stick his head out
of the door and say...
It's done.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Board's coming out now.
Hey, what was your point
with the 100 million angels?
Ten thousand times 10,000.
Yeah.
You're putting an awful lot of faith
in the testimony of people...
...who couldn't count very high.
I mean, you say you've never seen one.
- lf I could see them, it wouldn't be faith.
- Yeah...
Hey, let's start over, because this
has all just been my way of...
Luke! "Singing Teacher."
- Maybe next time.
- Come on. We go this way.
We head straight downstairs
and we just start working on it.
Okay.
Gonna be another one
of those nights for you, Matt.
Tim?
Tried writing my way back in.
Did you speak to Wes?
No, I wrote a sketch.
Got Joe to put it in the pack for me.
I thought if it made it on the air, then...
It didn't.
Didn't even make it to dress.
I just came around because...
I don't know. Because.
Hey, you know, you and I
don't know each other well...
What?
You know, I can't remember
how we met.
It's done.
- It's a good show.
- Can I bring the PAs in?
Give us just a minute, would you?
All right. Here we go. Big show!
Big show!
Harriet and I had a fight.
It's not a big deal.
When?
- The guys are waiting for the board.
- What happened?
Well, I guess you'd have to say
that we broke up.
- That's what you and Harriet do.
- Yeah.
- How was this different?
- It wasn't, I guess.
- So you're fine?
- I am.
- When did this happen?
- Last Thursday night.
Where was I?
You were locked on the roof
with Jordan. And don't get me wrong...
...I love that you guys are together,
but I could have used your help...
...on the Neve Campbell sketch.
- What Neve Campbell sketch?
"Dolphin Girl."
I meant "Dolphin Girl."
I got them mixed up for a second.
- How was it different?
- God, Danny. I don't know.
Let me tell you why.
"Metric Conversion"...
- How was this time...?
- She's with Luke now, she said so.
Well, you can change that
any time you want. Five words.
- "I can't live without you."
- No. We broke up.
- Just try it.
- I actually can't do that.
Why not?
Because I can't put myself in a position
to feel worse than I do right now.
Trust me, everything's fine.
I'm gonna give some notes.
- You're in.
- What?
Work on that accent, Chico.
- all so great. Come on in.
- Hey.
- Hey. Luke. How's it going?
Good. I stopped by to show Harry
some makeup tests.
Next week's her first day of shooting.
- You staying for the show?
- Can't.
We're doing "Singing Teacher."
That stopped being mine
a long time ago.
You write it well now.
- See you later.
- See you.
You have something for me?
Yeah, I thought I had a note for you.
Do you?
No, I do, I just...
Forgot it.
Okay.
Twenty minutes to air, ladies
and gentlemen. Twenty minutes to air.
Andy.
It's gonna be all right tonight.
I'm going out of my mind.
Nobody remembers Tim Batale.
Who?
Tim Batale.
Andy, Tim. For a year, he wore
a blue oxford shirt and khakis.
Wes fired him because
he knew he was taking pills.
I don't remember anyone
getting fired for that.
- This is unbelievable. 1998 to 1999.
- Show me his picture.
He was...
Do you see him?
No.
What?
I was talking to Diana Valdes before
and she said sometimes you...
Mix up, sometimes...
- What are you staring at?
- Me.
I'm wearing a blue oxford shirt
and khakis.
The house is in, ladies and gentlemen,
15 minutes to air.
All right, good show, everyone.
Eat them up.
Arm it around.
Just the mouth, please.
Let's make that a nice dissolve tonight,
should be a push-in on the chorus.
Someone mark the dissolve
and a shorter lens on two and three.
- Sound?
- You got them.
Dial down her monitors
a point when she turns upstage.
Go ahead and stomp it out
if the auto's late.
And ready one. Go one.
- Yeah.
- Hi, this is Jordan McDeere...
...I'm the president
of NBS West Coast Entertainment.
Yes, ma'am.
I'm concerned that not enough
of your cameras are aimed at her chest.
Well, I got all four of them working,
but this is just dress.
I can bring in some IMAX equipment
for tonight.
This is what you like?
Me? No. I'll tell you why.
She's too sexy.
My hormones are like
the Los Alamos experiment right now.
- What's that mean?
- Cameras off her chest!
Okay. See you.
Dress is going pretty well.
Matt?
Dress is going pretty well.
Yeah.
This office isn't a bad vertical leap
from your first one.
What do you mean?
- Are you all right?
- Yeah.
You know,
I don't really like anything or anyone...
...but if you ever wanted
to talk about anything...
I was just saying, you know,
this is a nice step up...
...from your first office here.
Remember how you could hold out
a pencil in each hand...
...and write on both walls
at the same time?
That wasn't my first office,
that was my second office.
My first office was on the floor
outside the writers' room.
I sat there with newspapers
and a legal pad.
- These 15 gotta go in the vault.
- Right, right.
- Tim.
- Yeah.
What's going on?
I just got fired. Wes fired me.
What are you talking about?
Wes fired me. You get my office,
you'll share it with Luke.
Wait, wha...?
- Wait, what are you talking about?
- He caught me taking pills.
- When?
- Now. This morning. I was just...
I mean, it's the first...
- What's it matter? He went ballistic.
- Tim...
First pitch meeting of the year,
I'm here all night.
- Let him be funny without sleeping.
- He fired you?
I can have my job back
if I go to rehab.
Go to rehab.
I'm not begging for my job.
Why not?
- Also, you know, maybe...
- What?
Maybe it's a good idea.
Albie, go to hell.
Come on, Tim, wait a second.
You get my office.
I'm Harriet Hayes.
No, you're much too kind.
It's my turn to thank you
for being a terrific rehearsal audience.
We ask you to stay in your seats
another two minutes...
...so our director, Cal Shanley,
can practice...
...coming back for the good nights.
In the meantime,
I can tell you about what happens now.
Danny Tripp is heading up to
Matt Albie's office...
...and in the next hour, they're gonna
decide which sketches stay in the show.
It's called the Friday Night Slaughter.
People?
- Folks! Good morning!
- Hey.
- Hey. You hear about Tim?
- Guys! Guys!
Let's go! Hey! Everybody shut up!
Welcome to the first day of school,
everybody.
We've got presidential primaries
coming up.
We've got Heidi Fleiss
getting out of prison.
We've got Philip Morris
admitting cigarettes kill you.
By the way, smoking's no longer allowed
in the building.
- About time.
- Ridiculous!
And we've got an American
winning the Tour de France.
Wes will be coming in in a minute
to give us his pep talk...
...but before he does, l...
- Excuse me.
- You're late.
- I'm sorry.
- Who are you?
- I'm Harriet Hayes.
That's right. Everybody, this is
Harriet Hayes, she's joining us this year.
Don't be late again, Harriet.
- They didn't have my name...
- I don't care, don't be late.
Sure.
- Our host,
- It's okay.
...is Jennifer Love Hewitt...
- Thank you.
...musical guest, is 'NSync.
Now, we're gonna go arou...
- Albie.
- Yeah. Sorry.
If you pay attention, I think
you still have an excellent chance...
...of not getting a sketch on the air
this year either.
Okay, now we're gonna go
around the table...
...but first I have a few things
I'd like to throw out there.
Twenty-eight minutes long.
- Yeah.
- An embarrassment of riches.
- Yeah.
- It was good.
Here's 3:20, and here's 4: 10. 4:30.
Easy.
- You want it back?
- Let's just start with Juliette Lewis.
No, I'll fix that.
- You got other things to fix.
- Yeah, I know.
- We're a little Harriet-heavy tonight.
- Did it feel like that?
Yeah, because it is like that.
Let's cut Juliette Lewis.
- Stick a pin in it.
- Twenty-eight minutes heavy.
- Yeah.
- Yup.
- What's going on?
- Just the slaughter.
Well, you wrote Harriet enough material
for an HBO special.
- "The Fisherman"'s working well.
- Yeah, Tom's nailing it.
If we move it to the third C-break, I'll
reposition the flats for Wake Up, Idaho.
We're still gonna need
a clear thruway for News 60.
And we're gonna be long
coming out of the...
Do you know which room
they gave Harriet Hayes?
In J, but they're still cleaning it.
- Thanks.
- She's cute. Go get her, Matt.
Oh, no, I was just...
I'm gonna talk to her about a thing.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm Matt Albie.
Harriet Hayes. I'm sorry
if I got you into trouble upstairs.
Oh, that's okay.
I'm waiting to get in my room.
Danny Tripp's my best friend.
He says you're great.
That's sweet, thanks.
- Yeah.
- It's really something to be here.
Yeah. I was thinking maybe
I'd try writing something for you...
...and we could pitch it.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
You don't think it'd be better
if you wrote for the bigger guys?
Isn't there more chance
you'll get on the air...
...if you write for the bigger guys?
- Yeah.
I didn't mean to...
It's difficult getting sketches
on the air...
...in the beginning.
I've had plenty come close.
- I didn't mean...
- He was making a joke.
I know.
My stuff makes it to dress
but gets cut at the slaughter.
Maybe it wouldn't if you wrote
for the bigger guys.
Or maybe you'd get
on the air sooner...
...if you had the bigger guys
writing for you?
I'm new here, I don't wanna fight.
- We're not.
- It feels like we are.
You want me to write something for you
or you wanna stand here...
...with your carton and wait for someone
with a better r?sum? to walk by?
- It really feels like we're fighting.
- Do you have any voices?
- I'm sorry?
- Do you have any voices?
- Some.
- Who?
Julia Roberts, Neve Campbell,
I'm working on Juliette Lewis.
Can I hear Julia Roberts?
So, Edward, now that you have me here,
what are you going to do with me?
Are you a planner? Yeah, me too.
Actually, actually, no.
I wouldn't say I was a planner.
It's more of
a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants...
You wanna cut Julia Roberts?
I got Julia Roberts right.
- You got it right a long time ago.
- There is a theme...
...in Harriet's sketches tonight.
All the characters
debuted seven years ago.
- There's new stuff.
- So let's cut the old stuff.
- It works.
- No one's saying it doesn't...
...but we have to cut 28 minutes.
- Can we just stick a pin in it?
All right. Not for long.
"Metric Conversion"?
You guys know whatever happened
to Tim Batale?
- Who?
- Tim Batale.
- Who's that?
- The writer.
- Never heard of him.
- Tim.
- Don't remember.
- The writer, he worked here.
- Tim Batale?
- He had my first office, Wes fired him.
I don't remember him.
- "Metric Conversion."
- Are you senile?
- Me?
- Yeah.
- I hope so. If I've got further to fall...
- Tim Batale.
Matty, we don't remember him. Okay?
We're on the air in 75 minutes.
Really? Where's the clock in here?
It's too small, I can't see it.
"Metric Conversion."
- They're standing outside.
- Who?
Don't look. Tom and Dylan.
They're watching to see if we cut it.
Pretend you're talking to me.
Yeah. Yeah, I agree. Absolutely.
That's interesting. Yes. Yes.
Yes, you see, it could be in the show.
Or not in the show.
- In the show.
- Yes.
Or not in the show.
- They're doing that on purpose.
- They are.
They absolutely are.
Gonna go in there
and kick the holy crap...
Take it easy.
- You think this is funny?
- They're gonna know we're watching.
If they're doing it on purpose,
then they know we're watching.
That's true.
- It's a good sketch.
- A very good sketch.
Damn skippy.
- It's the little sketch that could.
- What do you mean?
We been trying to get it on
for weeks and we get this far...
...and it keeps getting cut, but despite
the rejection, we keep working on it.
- It is the little sketch that could.
- It will.
- It will.
- It's good.
- I'm telling you, it's good.
- It is.
Not that many people laughed.
Not as many as you'd like
in this situation.
Yeah, I see you in there, you Irish...
- Give me something. Irish what?
- Glorified electrician.
Glorified...
- That sucks, what are you doing to me?
- I know.
Well, now we're their bitches.
- Do it again.
- This sketch could be cut.
Yes. Interesting.
- Or not cut.
- Guys!
- Cut?
- Guys!
Come on in.
- Hi, it's me.
- Hi.
- I brought you this for your room.
- Oh, gosh, look at you.
I should have done it the first day.
Consider it a third-day-of-work present.
It's a maidenhair fern.
It's great, because they like shade.
Very finicky growers,
very delicate fronds.
It was the delicate fronds
that attracted my attention.
I'm gonna go get a little water for it.
I had an idea for you.
You've never seen me perform,
how do you know what I'd be good at?
I watched your audition tape.
When?
After I saw you Monday morning.
Then again after I came down here.
Tuesday a few times,
and this morning.
Really?
And again last night. I made a dub.
You know, you can sing too.
I didn't sing on my audition tape.
I asked around.
I can act too, I'm trained as a singer.
I didn't know that.
Oh, the things you don't know.
Like what?
You don't wanna know.
I work here, Harriet.
You can call me Harry.
- Harry?
- Yeah.
- That's nice.
- Thanks.
I was gonna say, there aren't a lot
of things that seem strange to me.
Okay.
I read a piece in U.S. News
& World Report...
...about
the next presidential elections...
Gore versus Bush or McCain.
- being strongly influenced
by values voters.
Yeah?
The Christian Right, evangelicals...
Honey-crusted nut bars.
Yeah.
Because surveys show people feel
America lost...
...its moral compass under Clinton.
- And?
We've gotta start
mocking these people.
Yeah.
Not just because
they're a vending machine...
...of punch lines,
because they're dangerous.
- Yes.
- This is the thought...
...that was running through my head
when I read yet another survey...
...that said,
and I'm not making this up...
...68 percent of Americans
believe in angels.
- Yeah.
- Okay, so here's the pitch:
You as a crazy Christian radio host who
believes in the literal truth of the Bible.
You answer callers' questions
and give advice on Revelations.
Your long-suffering staff has to keep
making up excuses...
...why you can't book an actual angel
as a guest, to shield you from your...
- Matthew.
- Call me Matt.
- I'm one of them.
- One of what?
The 68 percent.
I'm a honey-crusted nut bar.
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
Okay... Did I just offend you?
Are you freaking kidding me?
I'm very sorry.
I'm sorry.
Is this what you meant by,
"The things you don't know about me"?
Weren't you happier when you thought
I was talking about drugs?
- Mars Climate Orbiter was set to bring
back data through the rest of 1999.
Controllers at NASA are planning
to abandon the search for the...
Look at this. If I stand in the middle
of the room, I can write on each wall.
- You won't believe what I just did.
- Only room for one desk.
- You're on the floor.
- I went to Harriet's dressing room.
- Harriet?
- Hayes.
- I had my eye on her.
- To pitch her a sketch.
Just saying, I had my eye on her,
and I've got seniority.
Listen to me, please. I went down there
to pitch her a sketch...
...about a Christian radio host,
and it turns out she's a Christian.
- I'm a Christian.
- But she's, like...
...you know, a member.
- Really?
What were the odds of that?
The last two places
I'd expect to find the Christian Right...
...are the corridors of Studio 60
and a synagogue.
Did you offend her?
I couldn't have offended her more
if I re-crucified her savior.
It was stunning.
You have your eye on her?
She's cute as hell.
And she's got some game.
I looked at her audition tape.
She sings too.
No, she acts too, she's a singer.
She went to school
on a music scholarship.
A singing teacher.
- What do you mean, seniority?
- I've been here a year longer.
That just means you get the desk
and I sit on the floor.
The world's worst singing teacher.
It could be a running character,
stay on for years.
She'd be indebted to me for writing
so well for her, it'd feel like love.
Have you even spoken to her?
You're right, I should say hello.
I wasn't saying you should...
...do it now.
Hey.
Excuse me.
I just came back to get this last box.
Look, Tim, this is ridiculous.
We're friends, can we talk
about what's going on? Maybe...
My girlfriend's been in Toronto
making a movie.
She started up with
another guy in the cast.
I'm not funny when I'm feeling like this,
and that's how I pay my rent.
Who was I hurting?
That all makes sense to me.
I'm sure if you told Wes, it's...
No. I lost my job.
I just came by to get the box.
We got bigger problems than not funny,
we got not producible.
He always wore something...
Who?
Tim. He always wore,
like, for a year, he always wore...
I can remember it.
- Where are we?
- You owe me six minutes and change.
Not funny. "Shirts" stay late.
"Dance Party" is not 30 seconds long.
That's an incorrect timing.
- How long do you think?
- Felt like two minutes.
- Is she kidding?
- What?
The songs she's been playing all week.
The lyrics.
Jane found her.
Jordan McDeere for Danny.
Yeah?
She's singing
and there are no cameras...
...aimed at her chest, Danny.
Where are you?
Turn around
and look outside your office.
- Be right there.
- Okay.
- Excuse me.
- Go get her, Danno.
The other day,
when I told you to shut up...
...I meant keep shutting up until
I told you you didn't have to anymore.
- Okay.
- Okay?
- Yo.
- Shut up.
"Metric Conversion."
Big sketch, big sketch!
- Keep it in!
- Funny as hell, huh?
- You guys are embarrassing yourselves.
- Like we don't know that!
Big sketch!
What are you doing here?
There's a problem with my office.
Your office. If it's not the phone...
...it's the electricity
or the ceiling's fallen down...
- I know!
- What happened?
Well, I bought some pillows
at an auction, and the pillows...
...while fabulous,
do nonetheless have fleas.
- The pillows have fleas?
- They jumped to the couch.
Maintenance is fogging my office.
Won't let me back until Monday.
- Can I work here?
- I'm gonna kiss you first.
No! You can't right here,
I've checked it out.
There are public sightlines this way,
this way, that way, that way, this way.
There is a dead space under your desk,
but there isn't room...
...for both of us, so just cool off.
- Almost like you're St. Valentine himself.
All right, dummy up.
Are you for real?
- Hey, Hallie. Do you know Danny Tripp?
- I don't. Hallie Galloway, it's a pleasure.
- How do you do?
- Got a good show?
Right now I got a long show.
I'll head back to work.
Monday, we'll continue
talking about the marketing...
The what?
Marketing ideas
we were just talking about?
Sorry to harp on this. He got fired
because Wes caught him taking pills.
- I don't remember anything about that.
- A blue...
For a whole year, he wore
a blue oxford-cloth shirt with tan khakis.
- That's what everybody wears.
- Tim Batale.
I don't remember.
If you wanna move...
..."Singing Teacher"
up to the first half-hour...
...I need you to bump
something down for me.
Yeah, I'm thinking.
Come on in.
- Hi.
- It's me again.
- You ever go home?
- Do you?
No, this room's bigger than
my apartment. You want some coffee?
- So the angels...?
- Man...
I just wanna know,
you're talking about...
You don't just mean nice people,
you're talking halos, wings?
I don't know what angels look like,
Matthew, I've never seen one.
About how many are there?
- About 100 million.
- How do you know?
Revelations says so.
You're talking about Revelations 5: 11,
which says that:
"The number of them was
10,000 times 10,000."
Ten thousand times 10,000
is 100 million.
I know,
wonder why they didn't just say so.
Ten thousand times 10,000
is more poetic.
It is. Maybe they just didn't know
what 100 million was.
There was no need
for a number that high.
What can I do for you?
I had another idea for a sketch.
Luke pitched something
that sounded pretty funny.
Luke's really good.
A singing teacher whose
star pupils were the guys...
...who recorded
"Pac-Man Fever" in 1982.
You could be funny with that.
What were you thinking?
A different teacher. Brandi Chastain
as a social studies teacher.
Who's Brandi Chastain?
She just kicked the winning goal
for the women's World Cup team.
That wasn't Mia Hamm?
Brandi Chastain. And she ripped
her shirt off and twirled it around.
And that's what she could do every time
one of her students got an answer right.
It's funny the first time,
but what do we do after that?
Nothing, it wouldn't make it on the air,
it's one joke. I'm sorry.
I read your two one-act plays.
You like language, why are you trying
to impress me with physical comedy?
- You think I'm trying to impress you?
- Why'd you read Revelations?
Why'd you read my plays?
You hungry,
you wanna get something to eat?
I'm working with Luke.
That's good, Luke's good.
He's a good screenwriter too,
he'll make features pretty soon.
That's okay. I'm gonna work too.
I'll come up with something for you,
there isn't one ounce of quit in me.
Okay.
Tell you what,
he built that one to last.
- "Singing Teacher"?
- Yeah.
- Luke wrote "Singing Teacher"?
- Yeah, until he left.
You know what...
...anything of mine.
- What?
Bump anything of mine.
For the first half-hour...
...bump anything of mine
to make room for "Singing Teacher."
I need some advice.
- I'm your man.
- Yeah, you are.
Hurry up. What do you need?
And I'm not romantic?
I'm trying to finish the show.
A participant dropped out of
The Reckoning.
- I don't care.
- You care a lot, you know why?
Because if you care, I care?
There you go. Reggie Dobson was shot
by a gang member named Dusty D.
Reggie Dobson was paralyzed
from the waist down...
...but nonetheless is about to complete
his fourth year of medical school.
Filming begins Tuesday and Dusty D
was set to apologize to Reggie...
...Reggie was gonna forgive him.
- I wanna be hit with a blunt instrument.
Reggie's grandmother, who's raised him,
convinced him that he's being exploited.
Well, he is.
I know that. I'm the one
who's exploiting him.
Thing is, unless I convince
the grandmother to change her mind...
...the alternate Hallie lined up
is a porn star who was molested...
...by her swim coach
when she was 14.
Now we're talking.
Good taste says I need to go with
the paralyzed med student.
So if you're me, what do you say
to the grandmother?
I don't know, but can I be there
when you try to convince...
...an old lady that you like
the show you're making?
- No.
- Tell her... I don't know.
Danny!
Tell her that he, you know,
deserves to be celebrated...
...that he's an inspiration...
All right, he deserves to be celebrated.
You think that'll get traction?
No. Either she wants more money...
...or she's made up her mind.
Nothing in between.
- I gotta get back in there.
- Okay.
You hear this voice?
This voice is authoritative, confident.
This voice is always right.
Done?
Yes.
Danny, can we make our case
for not cutting "Metric Conversion"?
- Yeah.
- Point number one...
- Welcome back.
- Where are we?
- 4:20 fat.
- What do you say?
I don't know. What do you think?
- "Celebrity Poker"?
- It worked.
Did it?
- You don't think so?
- Don't know. I can't remember.
- It worked, I think...
- I'm sorry.
I'll be right back.
I gonna go ask Diana Valdes something.
Joe says one hour. Anyone who
wants their sketch in the pack...
...he needs it in an hour.
- Can you take a look at this?
- No.
Danny, would you mind
taking a look at this?
I'm sleeping, man. Get away from me.
Anybody here not working or asleep?
- I'm not doing either one.
- How you doing?
I've been sitting in the lobby
for six hours.
- Why?
- A pretty stunning lack of courtesy.
- Are you Simon Stiles?
- Yeah.
I saw you at Yale Rep in Lysistrata.
- Do you work here?
- Yeah. I'm Matt Albie, I'm a staff writer.
Can you tell me why I had a 2:00
audition for Wes Mendell...
...and I'm still sitting here at 8:00?
Wes likes to screw with people he likes,
see how they do with chaos.
How long would I be sitting here
if I was somebody he didn't like?
Hey, would you mind doing me a favor?
Would you take a look at this?
Oh, buddy, I've got the most
important audition of my life in...
Six hours ago.
All right.
- Okay, let me see it.
- It's called "Being Neve Campbell."
- It's a parody.
- Yeah.
Neve's in one of her "Oh, God,
Bailey's drinking again" scenes...
...when people start jumping
into her head...
...and making her do strange things.
- I'm reading it.
- You don't have to tell me about it.
- Sure.
- It's a great play, huh? Lysistrata.
- No.
- You don't like it?
- No.
Well, if you don't like Aristophanes,
there's not much chance... -
Who's Harriet Hayes?
- You wrote the cast list up in the corner.
- She was just hired here.
- Are you in love with her or just stupid?
- What do you mean?
If you're writing for a new cast member,
not much chance it'll get aired...
...and I've never heard of you
so you need to get on the air.
- So which one is it?
- I'm stupid.
You write like you're on a first date.
"Look at all the words I know."
Can I have my pad back, please?
Wes is ready for you now.
Good luck.
- I'm gonna do another pass.
- Good.
Come on in.
Hi.
- I can come back if you...
- No, that's okay.
Have I thanked you enough
for the break?
Oh, no, you're doing us a favor,
filling in at the last minute.
This is the second time
we've had to fill in for the White Stripes.
- Really?
- First time around...
...Jack White had laryngitis.
Well, I think it's really cool that
you guys used an unknown tonight.
You know, I was listening to you sing
on-stage during the break.
Oh, that was just a sound check.
I was noticing you write
a lot of lyrics about...
- Being really sad?
- Yeah.
I have a lot of inspiration.
That's what I wanted
to ask you about.
You're able to work
when you feel like that?
No, but I'm able to drink
when I'm feeling like that...
...and then I'm able to work.
- Okay.
Well, have a great show.
- Matt?
- Yeah.
You should carry around
a little bottle of this.
Why?
Your pupils are dilated.
Put a couple drops in.
- Oh, I was just in the control room and...
- You're high right now.
I love Schedule II narcotics.
They really affect your dreams.
There'll be things I thought happened
and then two days later...
...I'll realize I dreamt it.
Like I'll be certain I had a conversation...
...with my bass player and he'll be like,
"What are you talking about?"
Yeah?
Turns out I only dreamed it,
and I'd have sworn all up and down...
...in a court of law, Matt.
Well, I've been a little down lately
and I got a show to get done...
Well, take these.
You're gonna like them.
I'm all set.
- Take these.
- What are they?
You know what they are.
Have them with a glass of wine.
- I'm fine.
- Take them.
Thanks. You're great.
I'm glad Jane Fonda... Found you.
Thanks.
Well, have a great show.
- I really like it, Matthew.
- Thank you.
But you don't like it better than
"Singing Teacher," right?
Do I have to like one
more than the other?
- Yes.
- We can put both in the stack.
- Can we?
- Sure.
All right, this is it.
Last call for the stack.
- Right here.
- Here you go.
These are both for her?
- Yeah.
- Yup.
She's been here three days.
It's not likely either of them
will get on the air...
...but you know for certain
both of them aren't.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
And here's a chance, Mrs. Dobson...
...for Reggie to forgive the man
and put the past to rest.
Mrs. Dobson?
Well, like I said, ma'am, I can
understand your being wary.
- But, you know, Reggie's an inspiration.
- Yes, he is.
If he does this show,
millions of people will hear his story.
You figure he'll stop being
an inspiration unless he goes on TV?
Of course not.
Of course not, but don't you think
the more people...?
Miss McDeere, please forgive me
for interrupting you...
...but I wasn 't born yesterday,
and you know you ain 't putting...
...Reggie on your TV show
to inspire folks...
...you putting him on
to dance for them.
Well, he's in a wheelchair,
he don 't dance.
Yeah.
Mrs. Dobson, I came late to this.
Can I ask,
how did you make this decision?
I know he got a signed contract
with you, but my lawyer says...
Ma'am, nobody's gonna sue Reggie,
it's just not gonna happen.
I'm curious how you
came to the decision.
I sat in church
and I made my decision.
You attend church every day?
Just Sundays.
Mrs. Dobson,
this is Hallie Galloway again.
It's a competitive world out there.
This show will make Reggie a star.
He'll stand out.
Child, what in hell are you...?
He got shot in the spine...
...on his 14th birthday
and he gonna be a cardiologist.
Just what kind of star standout
do you want him to be?
You people got more nerve
than a toothache.
Mrs. Dobson, it's Hallie again.
If it's a matter of money, then...
It's not a matter of money.
Mrs. Dobson, we're very sorry
to take your time...
...and we hope you have a good day.
- Well, all right, then.
Go with the porn star
and the swim coach.
It's a blessing in disguise. Much more
promotable than a guy in a wheelchair.
I know that. So do you. That's why
you waited a week to tell me.
- I didn't wait...
- She made the decision after church.
She only goes to church on Sundays.
You're flying pretty close
to the fire, Hallie.
- It's gotta be soon, right?
- Yeah.
- I'm feeling a good vibe.
- Yeah.
I'll tell you this. If it doesn't make it
to air, it sure wasn't your fault.
- Wasn't your fault.
- You owned it.
- You owned it.
- You got a receipt for it, my man.
You're Tom Jeter, okay?
No more need to be said.
- You could've picked up the pace a little.
- Yeah.
- Maybe a little less mugging from you.
- No.
No, this is what they want,
to turn us against each other.
- You never mug, man.
- Your pacing is genius.
Here comes Andy.
He'll make us feel better. Andy.
You graceless, homicidal bastards.
I think if you go check the stage...
...you'll find jokes lying on the floor,
where you left them to die.
It was his pacing.
Should someone have indicated
to you on a map where Canada is?
Because your Canadian accent...
- Too much?
- Was Mexican.
This is the longest
they've ever taken to decide.
In the old days if your sketch
didn't make it on the air...
...they used to send you
downstairs naked to sell lemon drinks.
Shrouded only in your failure,
you'd explain to patrons...
...why you weren't good enough.
There used to be
a naked lemon-drink salesman?
- Yeah.
- That's right.
Just a couple more minutes.
Just telling them about the old days,
Matt. The slaughter.
Yeah?
You know, when men were men
and boys were scared.
- Not a place for joke blowers.
- Look...
Not a place for the mug-prone
or for the slow of pace.
You'd wait outside of Wes' office
for the moment when Joe...
...would stick his head out
of the door and say...
It's done.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Board's coming out now.
Hey, what was your point
with the 100 million angels?
Ten thousand times 10,000.
Yeah.
You're putting an awful lot of faith
in the testimony of people...
...who couldn't count very high.
I mean, you say you've never seen one.
- lf I could see them, it wouldn't be faith.
- Yeah...
Hey, let's start over, because this
has all just been my way of...
Luke! "Singing Teacher."
- Maybe next time.
- Come on. We go this way.
We head straight downstairs
and we just start working on it.
Okay.
Gonna be another one
of those nights for you, Matt.
Tim?
Tried writing my way back in.
Did you speak to Wes?
No, I wrote a sketch.
Got Joe to put it in the pack for me.
I thought if it made it on the air, then...
It didn't.
Didn't even make it to dress.
I just came around because...
I don't know. Because.
Hey, you know, you and I
don't know each other well...
What?
You know, I can't remember
how we met.
It's done.
- It's a good show.
- Can I bring the PAs in?
Give us just a minute, would you?
All right. Here we go. Big show!
Big show!
Harriet and I had a fight.
It's not a big deal.
When?
- The guys are waiting for the board.
- What happened?
Well, I guess you'd have to say
that we broke up.
- That's what you and Harriet do.
- Yeah.
- How was this different?
- It wasn't, I guess.
- So you're fine?
- I am.
- When did this happen?
- Last Thursday night.
Where was I?
You were locked on the roof
with Jordan. And don't get me wrong...
...I love that you guys are together,
but I could have used your help...
...on the Neve Campbell sketch.
- What Neve Campbell sketch?
"Dolphin Girl."
I meant "Dolphin Girl."
I got them mixed up for a second.
- How was it different?
- God, Danny. I don't know.
Let me tell you why.
"Metric Conversion"...
- How was this time...?
- She's with Luke now, she said so.
Well, you can change that
any time you want. Five words.
- "I can't live without you."
- No. We broke up.
- Just try it.
- I actually can't do that.
Why not?
Because I can't put myself in a position
to feel worse than I do right now.
Trust me, everything's fine.
I'm gonna give some notes.
- You're in.
- What?
Work on that accent, Chico.
- all so great. Come on in.
- Hey.
- Hey. Luke. How's it going?
Good. I stopped by to show Harry
some makeup tests.
Next week's her first day of shooting.
- You staying for the show?
- Can't.
We're doing "Singing Teacher."
That stopped being mine
a long time ago.
You write it well now.
- See you later.
- See you.
You have something for me?
Yeah, I thought I had a note for you.
Do you?
No, I do, I just...
Forgot it.
Okay.
Twenty minutes to air, ladies
and gentlemen. Twenty minutes to air.
Andy.
It's gonna be all right tonight.
I'm going out of my mind.
Nobody remembers Tim Batale.
Who?
Tim Batale.
Andy, Tim. For a year, he wore
a blue oxford shirt and khakis.
Wes fired him because
he knew he was taking pills.
I don't remember anyone
getting fired for that.
- This is unbelievable. 1998 to 1999.
- Show me his picture.
He was...
Do you see him?
No.
What?
I was talking to Diana Valdes before
and she said sometimes you...
Mix up, sometimes...
- What are you staring at?
- Me.
I'm wearing a blue oxford shirt
and khakis.
The house is in, ladies and gentlemen,
15 minutes to air.
All right, good show, everyone.
Eat them up.