Stromberg (2004–2012): Season 5, Episode 8 - Jonas - full transcript

[Bert] Who was that here?

I wrote "Bertholds" on it
now it says "Hans".

Jonas, was that you?

What? No, I'm just here to study.

You have such a black pen,
I can see that!

That means "tail".

Look: S-c-h... Berthold's tail.

There... you've got yourself...
screwed up, buddy.

It wasn't me!

Maybe he took a look
on your sex homepage.

[Bert] That was education
for the young people from the community.

About... STDs.

- What's going on here?
- Jonas scribbled on my banana.

Have you finished the stock lists?


I wanted to study first and then
make the lists.

Colleague, I need the lists!

They have to be there by the first.

I have exam next week!

[Rustles with paper]

Sorry, I always have
the panic P on my face before exams.

Colleague, where are the stock lists?

Here, the colleague has smeared my banana!

Oh, did you have exam or what?

I would have panic.
A lot of people fail at this stuff.

[Chair drags across the floor]

The colleague is throwing up
into the wastebasket.



So, Alltex Pharma... Tomorrow...

- That's all we have to go on.
- I want you to take it easy!

I can carry three folders
even pregnant.


I wanted to talk to you
talk to you later.

Can't you do anything for Jonas?

- Who?
- The trainee...

That you hired.

Oh, that Kevin, or what?

Jonas, Kevin's name is Jonas.


Now he wants to... what?

He is in total panic
before the intermediate exam next week.

And my grandma's feet hurt.

I can't take care of every amoeba
that sits a fart crosswise.

[Jennifer sobs]


What, what, what...
what is it now?


Such a pregnancy
is like a piston seizure in the soul.

You say that in a straight sentence
and with the woman

a salty alphabet soup arrives.
Then you're standing there.

A pregnant woman is like a crocodile.

Had to approach very carefully,

[Snap sound]

It's all on the Internet.
But she also says so herself.


That I'm just taking care of me,

is really nonsense now.


"Money market savings" for our midget.
I have completed it.

Every month 100 euros.

In 18 years that is 20,000 euros.

- That's exactly what I mean.
- Plus interest.

For you, money is the same as caring.

But you don't settle everything with money.

I don't do that.
I take care of everything.

That's just hot air with you.

Just like Maja.
They were just empty promises.

I don't understand,
why you open such a big barrel.

because of Thomas.

- Jonas.
- Yes.


I don't know...

was totally desperate with me
and asked,

if I could help him.


I don't know. Probably it is
my maternal instinct. And I...

thought you had
a father instinct, too.

But at this point you just have
only a passbook.

I am doing money market savings
for our offspring,

where other kids would lick their
would lick their fingers for. And you pretend,

as if I had made a salad
out of baby seal eyes.

[Jennifer cries]
[Stromberg chuckles]

You know, that's what I mean.

I don't need a father for 's child,

who comes to me with "money saving market",
instead of

- to take care of.
- Money market savings.

- Huh?
- Money market savings.

[Jennifer cries aloud.]

Uh, I'll take care of it.
I promise you that.

I'll bring the Thom...
the Kev... the...

I'll pass...
the exam.

He won't get a single cent from me,

Only allowance, so the full
P... Papaprogram, yes?

And you stop now,
to flood everything here.

[Bert] Who was that? Hello?

- Hello.
- Hello.

So, what's the point of this?


Mix of Ernie and Porno.

Name and hobby in one,
that catches on.

That was a homepage
for the community!

He did intensive research for that.

- Nah, not at all...
- Caught him twice.

Can I have the scissors, Pornie?

Whoever calls me like that again now
you get...

he gets this one on the head!

Now stay under the carpet.

Here are the stock lists.
I need them by the first one, pornie.

[Ulf laughs]

[Bert] If wishes could kill,

then the Ulf would have now
broken his arm.

Bye Pornie.

Because you're not allowed to kill properly.

That would also not be good with Ulf...
because of Tanja.

Because she likes him.

Me, uh... not. Nobody likes me.

That people say:

"Hello Berthold, great to have you here."

That's only in the community.

At the priest's... Or with the senior citizens.

And also with the young people there.

"Buy us an ice cream sometime," they say.

Or they want me to do
the math problems.

That means practically:
"Great to have you."

How, just thrown out the window?

Then he is gone
and doesn't answer the cell phone anymore.

- What a heiopei.
- Look at that.

This stuff looks
like used toilet paper. What a piece of shit!

Ernie had to get
one in front of the box.

You can't put up with that.

But still no reason,
that now from the trainee

- to take the blame, Ulf!
- What is?

He has an exam soon.

This is the top priority.

[What is this number?

[Stromberg] Because of the exam
you can always contact me.

- I would still finish this--
- You can get...

to me at any time.
Oh, Jennifer.

I don't want him to worry.

He can come to me at any time.

I told him that you 'n n bit

- [Ulf] What about the documents?
- Is that my department?

[Stromberg] We are preparing
for your exam.

You can always contact me.

[Ulf: Can you maybe help me?

God, no. I also have to
something... uh...

Can you do the inventory lists?

No hello, no kiss, no nothing?

- Don't have much time.
- Why do I get them?

I didn't want to discuss this.

- Why do they stink?
- They were lying in the yard, they must be

fallen into the canteen waste.

- You can't be serious.
- Was Ernie.

And so you ask me,
if I'm going to work on these?

Pearl, have no time
for eternal humming.

They have me on the
because of the warning.

If I don't finish this in time
I'll get a fucking domino,

where one pile falls into the other...

Lars, what is this 'n shaving lotion,
that you always have?

Uh... Rabano for men, why?

I must remember,
that smells really great.


- I've had it for a long time.
- Cool.

Say, do you have time by any chance,

to edit the inventory lists?

I know, is full of the doof job.

But I invite you
to the canteen.


With dessert... and coffee?

Now, that's what you call an offer,

that you cannot refuse.
But I don't know whether--.

- Oh, thank you, that's really sweet of you.
- Hm.

- I'll put it on the table for you.
- Hm.

40 seconds, and he is not even
married to me.

Seifert? Uh, Steinke...

Hold on, one second please.

"What is the principle
for the damage..., uh..."

"... Damage provision,
and what does it lead to?"

[Jonas] The principle applies
of individual valuation,

which leads to an independent
provision measurement.


Uh, yeah, right. Good, that's logical.

I can do the stuff.

I always black out
in the exams.

That's why in school
I almost didn't get my degree.

And with the driver's license
I needed three attempts.

Exams are a real pain in the
on my stomach.

I know, I'm scared of the dentist.

He says: "Don't look,
think of something nice."

Do it now. Close it.

It's amazing what that does.
Close your eyes.


What do you think of now?

About the racing bike I will get,
if I pass?

Boy, what a beautiful thing! Hello?

Sand, beach...

Tits, seaweed, beer... what a thing!
A bike...

I don't believe it. Close your eyes again,
and now something nice.


You don't look at the examiners.

Find a point on the wall
and speak to that.

Take it easy, take it easy.

Puähhh, yes?

How do you designate the period,
for which a premium is calculated?

Point on the wall, easy.

Insurance period.

You've got it!

You really don't have
not worry at all.

Concentrate on catching and throwing.
Answering is on the side.

I got that from a management seminar.

What do you understand
by useful heat damage?

No idea.

Yes, you are very loose, hop.

Some caterpillar.
does not become a butterfly,

but before
smashed by a car tire.

That's why you have to approach young people
with tact and sensitivity

and first of all make them enjoy
in the work.

[Most of them are more afraid of me
more afraid of me than of an exam.

And with me,
you are quite relaxed.

You can also easily
into the exam. Promise?


Boy, what are you?

Man or milk carton?
There is no such thing.

If you fail the exam,
that's it for the job here.

A complete year given away.
Whether someone will still take you then...

There one can nevertheless
a tick together!


I have to go to the bathroom, okay?

[Stromberg groans]

What do you mean the Jonas is hopeless?

I have tried everything. Between us,

it is not the brightest tube
of the tanning bed.

You have tried everything?
You only practiced with him once.

I also know quickly from the gruel here
that it does not taste good.

This is your full papa program?
That's awesome.

If the child
can't walk after 2 hours,

then get rid of it, I will make you a new one?

Do you have hormones again now, or what?

Nah, it's completely unhormonal,

For me this shows,
that you don't give a shit,

when things get tight.

That you are never there and will be there
when you are needed.

Not for Jonas, not for me
and not for the child.

Is no reason
for mother courage in bloodlust.

I did not say,
"That's it and ciao cocoa."

Of course, I continue to take care.
It's obvious.

Just as I thought,
it just does not work.


Now comes plan... B,

like relations.

There is no such thing. Mrs. Hilpers!

Not for ages... Here you take.

I have a thing with them.
Costs me nothing.

You are sitting
in the examination board for trainees?

I have this year
such a highly talented boy.

But a mental disaster,
he can 's, gets 's but not.

- And?
- Mh?

What do you want from me?

Where they come from,
there is much more.

Quite a few others.

- You don't mean what I think, do you?
- Absolutely not!

- The tests are the same for everyone.
- It's clear!


Touching how you put yourself out there.

I just say: If the test does
not optimal, the

can be compensated by a very good assessment
of the supervisor.

Ah so, yes.


I'll give him a moderate evaluation.

I consider him
highly gifted.

- Are we talking about the same trainee?
- Thomas is an old building.

- The Jonas.
- Yes, uh.

An old building, which from the outside
is a hovel,

but inside everything is full of
high ceilings, stucco, parquet.

- Yes, it is.
- Nope.

- Yes!
- Nope!

Nah, in my department
I write the assessment.

You have a warning
and hang with the lists.

Is this the right moment
for a dick comparison?

Yes, why not?

So, palimpalim. This is the Ulf.

- Ulf, now listen to you--
- Let me.

Sorry to barge in.

I am a parish priest and a pastor.

Kleuser, hello.

No, I am not reporting
no holy water damage.

[Ernie chuckles]

I would like to talk
talk about the Berthold.

I am curious whether you will be so stupid to the priest.
also so stupidly.

Go away, Berti.

- I'm not in charge here.
- Ulf] I have an appointment.

Ulf, 8th commandment,
thou shalt not lie.

Yes, something like that.

So, Mr. Steinke, bye!

[Door noise]

Then we should talk, huh?

I hope there's no one up there.

Because, otherwise God would be an asshole.

I've never made a bigger fuck up.

At least not more than anyone.

Here comes some clunker like.... yeah,

barren, practically.
Where I'm thinking, why?

Why me?

What's the point?

In the office an Our Father
won't help you.

God does not care about employees.

[Ulf] I have to go on now.

Sometimes moving on is not the answer.

These are people here,

Mr. Steinke, also Berthold.

Hard to believe.
Because he doesn't smell like that.

It is a pity that we
that we can't have a dialog.


He looked
like a wooden cow, right?

Here we have to proceed quite differently.

Well, Pornie, everything fit in the step?

No, Mr. Nübel, in terms of personnel
we get along fine.

[Nübel] I don't see it that way.

The stock lists do cause problems.

Nah, they are ready,

practically, they're lying...

here. They have the grandma Papi...
Mrs. Papenacker,

surely only put away before the break.

This one is a real pause choke.

You can handle the overall management?

Yes, absolutely, perfectly fine.
I have everything...

under control. Mrs. Hilpers?

Did you give him tablets before the
tablets before the exam?

Wrong time.

I wanted to thank you again.

I was not at all excited
at the exam.

[Stromberg laughs]

Mr. Hil...
Mrs. Hilpers, could you come here for a moment?

That's yes--

[Hilpers] That's what you give to pigs
before slaughter.

Jendretzke said they are harmless.

Our company doctor
gave you these?

Under the table, of course.
I made a deal with him.

Shouldn't eat them all.

- Insurance period, Mr. Nübel.
- Mh?

Our trainee, always very tired.

[Stromberg laughs.]

[Stromberg laughs]

You should interrupt that immediately,
Mr. Stromberg!

Turn it off there, that thing.

Turn it off there! Come on!

Turn it off! Now!

He just can't do it, your Jonas.

He is starving, because he holds the spoon
the wrong way round.

You gave him the fucking pills
in the first place.

You told me to take care of him.

And this is the result?

So even a wrecking ball cares.

If that comes out,
don't you worry about me.

Stay... always goes away.


[Kleuser] It is not about the Berthold.

Yes it is!

It is about,
how you deal with each other.

And with me.

With each of you.

It can happen to anyone very quickly.

You decide whether you are just
human working material,

where Mr. Steinke decides
whether it is good enough for the department.

- Or, whether you are more.
- I am more.

[Ulf is just trying to do his job,
to do his job.

Without community, without solidarity,

everyone remains alone
and can become a plaything.

I don't want to be Ulf's ball.

I don't want to come to you now
with God and the Bible.

I want you to think about it,

How things are going here in the department.

Every community is only so strong

as its weakest link.

At the moment, this is the Berthold.

But what happens if Berthold
no longer has this role?

- Then it's one of you.
- Yes, him.

Then you will be glad
if others stand up for you.

What's going on 'n here?

I am not your ball anymore. The
you can smear under your hair.

It's about Ernie.

Maybe it would make sense--

I think it's hacking!
Are we on 'm church congress?

You go back to work now!

That goes for you too, Ernie.
And pastor or not.

I think it sucks!

This has no place here.

So, let's go! You too, come... please!

[Ulf mumbles]

Throwing out a priest
does not look good for the CAPITOL.

That is certainly not what
of your superiors.

Normally the tone
in the department is very affable.

I can imagine,
That the Ernie...

the Berthold sometimes feels wrongly treated
feels, but that is not--

The Ernie is 'n total full-horse.

That's a total schmuck.

Even your pope himself could
could not change anything.

I have already told you
I think it sucks,

when you make magic here like this.

- Ulf, let me.
- Sure...

You do like Lehnhoff,

then it becomes
"The Thorn Birds," part 2.

Forget it.

"The Thorn Birds..."

Did Don Camillo put that wipe there?

What are the inventory lists doing?

Tremmel has already asked twice.

This is all getting
a bit out of hand.

Ernie has already given
already given Nübel's extension.

I am the asshole
that treats people badly.

[Singing in background]

[Subdued singing.]
♫All we are saying♫

[Stromberg laughs]

♫Is give peace a chance♫

- They're all spinning their wheels.
- This is from John Lennon!

That's why he was
was shot.

Father, I don't have to
have to put up with that.

On the subject of your department.

From now on
daddy will take care of it.

Then I don't want to hear anything more!

[Singing Let it be by John Lennon.]

♫Mother Mary comes to me♫

♫Speaking words of wisdom♫

♫Let it be♫

Here are the complaints that Ernie
wrote about his colleagues...

In the last 6 months.

If he is treated badly,
he has a right--

"...Has Mrs. Klüver several times.

bad draught
at my workplace."

A scribble...
"...I suspect that Mr. Steinke.

licked all my licorice
and put them back in the bag"

3 exclamation points.

There is no point
to set them off against each other!

Ulf has learned
that he cannot father children.

Where is the consolation of the church,
Mr. Kleuser?

I did not know that. I'm sorry.

We did that the other day

at Ernie's,
on the work computer.

I had explained that.
That was for the reconnaissance side!

That too?

- I clicked on it by accident.
- 5 times...?

That was only because I did not know
that you can also...

That's a horse!

In the catholic church this
hardly under "animal love".

We should consider
whether the youth group

is the right environment for you,

Why? The Jens has sent me this!

At the moment the society is
very sensitive with these issues.

I never want to dig a pit for others.

I give them a shovel,
Then I have nothing to do with the rest.

I am the plane, Ernie the chip.

Doesn't do any good.

In Africa it is humanly seen
is zappenduster,

we all know, nevertheless we go
in the morning to the office, in the evening to the couch,

because we resign ourselves to the fact
that some have bad luck.

The Ernie... the ne...
The blacks and so on.

That's tough,

but is so.

[Coffee machine hums.]

By the way, the Jonas was so happy.

Ulf must have written a hymn for him
written a hymn.

Three guesses why. I
got rid of Ulf the priest.

All for you, in the end.


I am sorry that I am sometimes
sometimes such a pain in the ass.

It's all not so easy for me.

am a little hormone hostage right now.

I know that. We will get

Come here.

Helge sleeps at Danni's tonight.
Do you still want to come to my place?

I have nothing planned for today.

[Bert yells.]
I've got nothing now,

you asshole!

What's wrong with him?


Off to you.

[Jennifer gets on with a groan]