Stromberg (2004–2012): Season 3, Episode 5 - Jochen - full transcript

[Wehmeyer] I have given you
innumerable chances!

But so!
At some point it's really over!

[Becker] I have
pointed it out from the beginning.

Yes, Mr. Becker is right ...

It can't go on like this, Mr. Stromberg!

[Stromberg coughs]

[Stromberg] I have no problem at all.
no problem with authority,

I don't like being told
what I have to do and what I don't have to do.

Are there people in the store,
who deal with all the work...

pillepalle know better
than I do?

Yes, well... possibly.

Only, expert knowledge narrows down
also tremendously narrowing!

It is necessary to see.

Professionals are where hole punchers...

Simple, precise,
indispensable in the office...

there must be someone
who pushes them down.

So, in the sense of.

He was better off in the archive.

I have clearly through
my public relations--

[Wehmeyer, sour] But not,
that half the nation is watching,

how you fuck up!


[Becker] He can't do it!
That's the point--

[Wehmeyer] You should make sure that
CAPITOL makes positive headlines!

[Stromberg] Yes, but--

That we are perceived positively--

- [Becker] If I'm being completely honest--
- [Wehmeyer] Positive!

[Wehmeyer] Is the key word,
Mr. Stromberg.

[Stromberg stammers]
But that's what I've got... that's running....

[Stromberg coughs]

Running after all.

[Stromberg laughs]

- [Jochen] These are the new signs?
- Yes!

Yes! And then here are these....

Pretty where...

the blind can see, aha,
here's the sha... dens... re... regulation.

- And--
- [Jochen] That's all?

[Jochen] That's little, for my
little CAPITOL-Intern article.

It's also about showing positive things.

That something is improving
and I take care of it.

So that the blind man no longer
standing in front of the door like a sandwich.

- Well, that's positive.
- I'm visually impaired...

I am visually impaired, not blind.
I can certainly see--

dimly some--

Stand around the sign.

[When I hear
"one only sees well with the heart!"

Garbage! One sees only with
the eyes well! So 'n shoe becomes from it!

[Come on, you too!
That we also at the CAPITOL...

have people
that we quickly exclude,

because they are different from us.

You have to... get a hold of it!

Keep in mind.
Keyword tolerance.

- Erika. Don't you have eyes in your head?
- I didn't see it.

- Let's take pictures!
- Yes...

They are all blind.

- [Woman] I am visually impaired, not blind!
- Now take pictures...

[Jochen] Come closer...

[Jochen] A little away from the door.

[Jochen] And now again
the thumb and smile.

[Stromberg] We have to
take the blind chicken by the hand

and show him where the grain hangs.

That's what it's all about. Not only with handicapped people...

[Jochen] Don't cover up.

Nah, it's about minorities
of all kinds.

About normal people, about foreigners,

about all kinds of things...

[Jochen] You can also write without dot
and comma,

yap bullshit for hours, right?

[Jochen] I think that's terrific.

One stupid saying after the other
one after the other.

Write it down beforehand or
do you just shake it out of your sleeve?

- [Stromberg] Why stupid now?
- I think it's great!

[Jochen] I would like to be able to do that too.

[Erika] Here and here,
all this is not covered.

They should have seen that at the
should have seen that. They've been so long...

In the field with us,
that's a rookie mistake.

I must have
in one day,

where you had to weld me out of the minibar
out of the minibar in the morning.

Do you know the emblem of the field service?
Golden tongue, on iron liver.

Controlling will not accept this as an explanation
as an explanation.

Most of the department heads
are rather snorebags, aren't they?

- Joah...
- Can I smoke here?

[Stromberg] Gladly!
You're also not the typical...

CAPITAL internal hack...

That's right, though.

But with the blind sign--

[Stromberg] Yeah...

for that I get in our paper
at most half a column...

[Yes, children...

[Stromberg] The point is,
that it is not only staff reduction

[Stromberg] and wage cuts,
but also positive ones.

- This can be real trouble--
- Whew.

Trouble I always have a lot,
but of the beautiful things in life...

I get only small portions.

Colleagues are doing well here.

Every day such colleagues
in front of the eyes...

Here, but not
but not all as an advantage...

Because the flour noses have no eyes
in the head have.

They don't know what is good.

But now you are driving here
guns here, Mr. Wibrecht.

No, I only lie to the customers,
here you only hear the truth from me.

[Jochen] Then we should make the
Integration thingy really big....

With both feet on the tear gland
Traipse, you know what I mean?

[Jochen] You are ideal for it.

You could sell
sell the pope a double bed.

[Stromberg laughs.]
To the pope... yes, well...

That's right,
rhetorically I have a lot up my sleeve...

- Where else--
- That would be a real story!

Now you don't want to
but do not also tell,

that you don't have
have any admirers, do you?

Well, now, Mr. Wibrecht...

we will first do this
and I'll take a look at the processes...

and see how I can
maybe I can iron out...

That's lonely top!
But only if you have time...

[Tanja says you should check it again.
check again. What is that?

This is a room spray,
like a miracle tree in better.

I no longer have to
pay attention to the thaler,

then I think, what's the point of being stingy?

Go ahead and buy something for yourself!
This is fragrance harmony.

For wellness and relaxation,
said the woman.

Here try it.

Space spray?

You are so hollow, in that skull you could shoot
Star Trek in that skull...

- Ulf.
- "Infinite vastness..."

Kinders, you again.

He's doing all the time...
because of the room spray.

That supposedly reeks of wellness.

That's harmony, you asshole!

Ernie, you old potato,
you are again--

[Jochen] That's great!
We can start with that.

Ernie, or what?

Why? Because the...


- What we have, we have!
- [Ernie] I've got it all in the eye, Ulf!

He keeps coming on and making
funny, no matter what I do...

and I denounce that!

Right. You're right, good idea.

[Stromberg claps]
Kids, very briefly...

[Stromberg] Ernie belongs in the department
just like everybody else.

Ernie is a little different
than the others, but that's okay.

With wellness room spray
the fun stops, doesn't it?

Ulf. This is a serious topic here

Active against discrimination of
Foreigners and disabled people.

- Disabled people?
- Yes, for sure!

So, a photo of us
two pretty ones. Watch this!

What is this for?

[Jochen] I would leave it like that.

[Stromberg] Of course Ernie.
a dent in the bell, no question about it.

After all, that's what it's all about.

Yes, Ulf,... come... now!

[Stromberg] That you still say nö,

[Stromberg] about such mach.
I don't joke about all the time.

And what does disinterested mean?

Of course such an action
not altruistic in the sense.

But I am
also a bit different.


In this respect such an action concerns me

on a certain level also myself...

Those above,
they should also see quite clearly

that Stromberg is not only
is not just paddling around,

but that he also moves something.

[Ulf] He has such a stupid space spray.

that stinks as if Ernie
has drawn his sweat on bottles.

[Tanja] It's his business!

He is sitting back there!
What do you care?

Even if he 's a Harzer Roller,
instead of a deodorant scooter.

That's funny, really!
Harz scooter, deodorant scooter....

not bad, Mrs. Seifert, clean!
By your standards...

[Tanja] I have told you x times,

that you should not interfere with Ernie
with Ernie.

[Ulf] That is no reason for Stromberg
to slap me! He has right so...

Ouch, are you stupid?

Stromberg has made it
much tighter...

just because I did it that way with Ernie.

- Hey, tell me--
- I didn't want Tanja...

[Erika on phone]

Mr. Wibrecht, you must give me.
not send me any chocolates.

[Erika on phone]

Nah, I don't think
that I am so sweet.

[Erika stutters.]
Well, I don't know, Mr. Wibrecht....

Yes, I'll be out of here
about six o'clock here...

What do you want to eat?

Such phone calls...
they are like 0190 numbers!

I am really blushing, Mr. Wibrecht...

Yes, I have pulled the procedures,
do not know yet what I can do there...

Hmm, yes, I will contact you again...


[Stromberg] Me and Jochen want

start an action
"Discrimination - without me"...

Ernie? Ernie!

I've already told you that...

I have here once so signs
made here...

At your own expense! For you.

Because it is important to me that you all
also set a sign...

- [Ulf] Every one of us should have a thing--
-Ulf, that you set a sign...

- Are they also available in other colors?
- Tanja, that's not the point.

- This is about discrimination!
- [Erika] That's what the right person says!


She is right!
File mongoose you said....

- Ernie, you are also sometimes...
- Nah, about him...

- [Stromberg] That's nonsense.
- [Staff] That's right!

Or Lumpenerna, do you always say about...?

[Camera sounds.]

Yes well, in the case
of Mrs. Klüver that is correct.

I once said,
that the wardrobe selection--

[Ulf] And that he actually
would have to stand on Erika,

because in India the cows are holy.

That's what he said.

- That's uh...
- [Ernie] multiple...

[Stromberg] Yeah, if there.
such 'n Gesichtsgulasch opposite sits...

...I can not say
"You are beautiful, Mrs. Thing"....

That is honest
and not discriminatory.

[Stromberg] One must also be allowed to have fun.
be allowed to make fun without...

God knows how is interpreted...

Child molester.

[Ulf] Last year also Ernie's girlfriend.

Yeah, that wasn't the only one.

"Met in the tunnel" and all that!

Humor is in Germany
is not a welcome guest.


Kids! If I should have overshot
Target should have overshot...

then I ask for excuse,
I have no problem at all with...

but then I would also ask you...

my small action
as a compensation...

and to put on these tags as well,
because they are not quite cheap--

What Ulf said is nonsense!

So I find India, I must say....

Do you know "Foreign Indians"?

The song?

"Strangers in the night" [singing].


- You guys put yourselves together!
- Yes, foreign Indians.

I don't want photos.

No! He does not like any!

- What was that?
- I don't know.

It was nice!

[Tanja] This is again a
stupid idea of Stromberg...

But really... Listen, I have here
so 'ne stupid, small story...

Wibrecht, from the field service...

he has scratched something here
a little bit...

If we pretend that we haven't seen it.
not seen, is that noticeable ?

Now I understand why he
keeps giving chocolates for you...

You can't do that, if
that comes out, you get really trouble...

What does that mean?

A man can not
just give me chocolates, or what?

Well, I don't know...

don't take this the wrong way,

I can't imagine that he
give you something without ulterior motives...

Because I'm not such a rattletrap
like you, or what?

There are men who have a completely
different taste in women...

than always 08/15!

I told you that already x times,

that you should not
to interfere with Erika...

That's her business, isn't it...

She sits here and you sit back there....

Wibrecht is certainly just taking advantage of Erika,
because he has screwed up!

"Erika, fat and exploited!"
No porn for the whole family....

Next Saturday the second part of...

"Erika, fattened and violated..."

[Vacuum cleaner noise]

- [Jochen] This is starting well...
- [Stromberg] Really?

Yesterday I talked to two colleagues from
from the national newspapers--

They might want to do something there...

And I also got a request from the radio...

Yes, that's great! Here, also join in,
against discrimination!

That is nevertheless top!

[Jochen] You do this
but also really cool.

[Jochen] The way you deal with people here.

[Jochen] There's something about that! Also one?

[Stromberg] Yes, come here!

[Stromberg] I also consist
90 percent of elbows

and 10 percent heart...

[Stromberg] And brains, of course....

[Stromberg] Another 30, 40 percent.

Push through, with charm and brains!

[Jochen] You are a firecracker!

Here! Oh, you already have one...

We can go for a drink later,
what do you think?

[Jochen] Drinking for minorities....

[Yes, of course!
I have nothing planned for tonight anyway...

We both go off nicely...

Above all "nicely", let's go...

- [Becker] Mr. Stromberg...
- [Stromberg] Ah, Mr. Becker...

What kind of story is that again?

They organize something with foreigners?

Not only! Here,
this is "discrimination - without me"

Leave me alone
with this nonsense...

this is against disabled people and everything....

I am supposed to do something positive for
CAPITOL... you said.

Has it been agreed with the
agreed upon?

Yes, Jochen
is from the CAPITOL-Intern...

- [Jochen] Greetings.
- [Stromberg] Here, come over here....

Put your arm around.
Now this one, Mr. Becker!

Like this, come like this!

[Stromberg] No, look there!

- [Stromberg] Ah, nice!
- [Becker] That's enough. Have a nice day.

Wait, while I'm here.

[Camera sounds]

So, keep cleaning.

[Listen, I'm meeting with Wibrecht on Friday
Friday evening with Wibrecht.

I wanted to tell him something,
because of this thing here...

- How? Friday night with Wibrecht?
- Joa...

- He invited me to Montanara
- Hi there! To the Montanara!

I'm glad if the guys don't reserve me a place
Reserve me a place at 'ner highway rest.

I've just been having some grey lately....

Pearl barley...


[Sabine] ...ouch cheek, now it is clear,
why he invites you to Montanara...

He really fucked up...

He said, if I can do nothing,
then it doesn't matter to him!

- He comes and has dinner with me!
- Well, he is really well rested...

I wouldn't do that.
There is only trouble...

Whereby, did not have to tell him.

I would take food with me,
in your place...

Actually, no one can imagine,

that a man just
wants to go out for dinner with me?!

Damn it! [loudly]

[Erika] I'm not a supermodel,
I know that myself...

but I am also not
Mrs. Frankenstein.

My husband and I met
met twenty years ago.

Five clothing sizes ago,
if you like, ne? He also...

Of course, after such a long time
also no longer everything so...

Oh God, anyway I am interested
I am not only interested in cake...

[Stromberg sings] "My grandma, her name is
Jochen and she is 'n hard bone..."

[Jochen sings along]
"My wife, her name is Bernd now,

And has already moved away from me..."


Morning kids!

[Stromberg] We moved a bit
around the houses.

Where is the badge?

You have to put it on, it's important!
As with Ihmchen.

Seems to be a complete success
what Jochen and I have started...

- There's already something in the paper.
- Let's see.

Two columns, with picture of us.
Where is it?

"Taking care of the disabled,
Bernd Stromberg and Jochen Schüller".

I'll put it on the pinboard,
you can read through at your leisure...

Good morning.

[Stromberg gives Ernie a slap]

[Stromberg] Boah, I have to ship
like a brewery horse...

- [Stromberg] Morning girls.
- [Jochen] I'm coming too.

Oh, he's cute...

[Ernie] Wibrecht sent him,
from the field service...

where I said... Ow...

this is such 'n Trojan hare,
like the horse, but as a hare...

Yes, no, because the thick end
still comes, Erika...

you should surely
do things for Wibrecht--

[Tanja] Ernie, leave it.

[Ernie] Because there were soldiers
in the horse...

[Erika probably doesn't know that
probably not...

[Ernie] I had that in school....

[Oh Ernie!
Sometimes you are also stupid...

Why am I stupid now,
when she gets such a rabbit?!

Whenever something is
is always first of all the Ernie stupid.

Nope! Here!
Discrimination is that!


Bah, lukewarm the Plempe today, ne?

[Pötsch] Well, you can warm it up again
soon warm up again yourself,

according to what I hear.

By hand...

[Sabine] You shouldn't...
He means now because of Jochen Schüller.

[Sabine] The newspaper article from...
the newspaper article...

[Sabine] with the picture of the two of you.

[Pötsch] Have many only in old age
changed sides, so openly...

Biolek, Mooshammer, Westerwelle...

Jochen Schüller isn't a sw...

Yes, he is. Gay like a
Turkish steam sauna, she says...


[Sabine] Nah! I have the yet....

when he started,
because of a beer after work...

[Sabine] He said it right away,
only with boys

"Drinking beers", but shhh!

He doesn't want that to go around,

because of his boss
at our cheese paper.

He's kind of stuffy...

I heard that too...

Is also somehow nonsense itself...
One does not notice at all with the Schüller.

- He seems quite normal--
- That's nonsense...

He doesn't like you, so, bumms...

And because he doesn't want to say that,
he says, sorry,

I'm not into women.

Everybody does.

- Nah.
- [Stromberg] Yes, they do.

But I've done that
done that a thousand times... [stammers]

It doesn't matter.

So, in any--

Ice cold food, I may as well suck
I can also suck frozen pizza!

Yes, that's right. I am gay...

"And that's a good thing too". [laughs]

I'm not going to hang this out to dry.

Because of my boss,
he is 'nen bit unlocker.

That's why...

Yes... aha...

- I have no problem with that, but he...
- That's clear...

Now no bullshit,
you are not really gay...

Well now in that sense,
as one hears so...

I don't know what you hear like that,

but most of it I have
certainly already done.

We're doing here right now...

[Stromberg] Oh, come on now...

[Jochen grunts]

Women are mostly crap too.

You clearly have to see it that way...

Only who is married,
learns yes what it means to hate.

I can already imagine,
that there are men who say...

yes come on, what the hell?

With 'another man I can

in sweatpants on the sofa,
watch soccer,

a nice beer and done.
Actually optimal.

Only the sex... so the sexual

with a man, that would be for me...


so it is in 'ner marriage
mostly vinegar.

[Listen, Erika,
the thing with Wibrecht, I have...

[Stromberg] What's going on here again?

Wibrecht has invited Erika to dinner.

[Stromberg] Our field service Wibrecht?

He screwed up
and now Erika is supposed to iron it out!

[Stromberg] I was wondering,
can not imagine,

that Wiebrecht had taken Erika to the--

[Erika angrily slams the closet shut.]

[Ernie] Oh here, about....

[Ernie] The sausage is also
off the plate yet!

I would not have thought that from you.

- Honestly! I am not stupid!
- Ernie, I didn't at all--

Of course you're stupid! You are Ernie!

Ulf! The action is for him too!
And these are mine.

Because of the fag action Ernie
is no longer stupid, or what?

[Ernie] I am not stupid!

What kind of faggot action?

Has Sabine told
that Schüller is a faggot...

Ulf, I don't want to use such expressions...

- Hey!
- [Ernie] Leave Mr. Stromberg alone!

[Ernie] And I am not stupid!

[Stromberg] Hello, Mr. Wehmeyer.
We're in the middle of a...

Everything is great! Extremely positive!

Can I have a word with you?

- Now?
- Now.

[Stromberg mutters] Extremely positive.

Do you know how much trouble we are in because of

the anti-discrimination law?


Tom, Dick and Harry
has been suing us lately...

There is a job
for a secretary,

why are you only looking for women,

but that is discriminating!

I sue you,
in one tour it goes like this!

And now of all times
you come with such nonsense!

Becker was right,
You are not portable...

Jochen Schüller came up with this idea
and I have attached myself to it...

Schüller is a good example.
A very fine fellow,

and only, CAPITOL-Intern Heini
is such a bourgeois,

no one must know
that Jochen is gay.

If this is not discrimination,

[Wehmeyer]This mumbo jumbo stops!
Is that clear?

[Wehmeyer]Do we understand each other?

Oh, and about the gay....

[Vacuum cleaner noise]

[Wibrecht] I sit in the Montanara
and watch 'ne dreiviertel Stunde

on the menu, like so 'n...

[Wibrecht] I was 17
the last time I was transferred like this.

[Erika] The others all said,
that you only meet with me,

[Erika] because I'm supposed to get you out,
because of the contract...

I didn't know at the end
no longer knew whether...

[Wibrecht] You think I had you
because of the shitty contract...?

[Wibrecht] I have been for 15 years
one of the top sales representatives...

[Wibrecht] Is that why you think
I am growing gray hair?

[Wibrecht] In case of need I lose
the commission and that's it...

But if you assess me like that....

[Wibrecht] Then I'm sorry...too bad.

[Stromberg] Oh, the Wibrecht...

[Stromberg] You don't have to pretend with Erika
you don't have to be so hypocritical !

[Stromberg] The contract you have there....
wave, wave commission.

When the controlling department sees that!

And you believe someone like that more than me?

- Bernd?
- [Stromberg] Jochen...

[Jochen] Did you tell Wehmeyer,
that I'm gay?

[Stromberg stammers] I did...

Cool, of course he went
immediately to my boss...

Now I may probably
look after the joke page

or the contest...

[Stromberg] Oh, I'm sorry....

[Stromberg] Sorry for... of course.

Maybe we go
go for a beer in the evening

and work out what we are going to do next....

Maybe hygiene action for gays....

- Gays?!
- Yes.

Of course I have to
with above,

because that is already a bit...

For one single thing
I asked you for!

That you keep your mouth shut upwards!

Who was that here?

[Ulf] Anti-Discrimination Weeks
are over, now it's like always.

- Ulf this is...
- Come I'll take it away from you...

- Ah, I am so clumsy...
- There you have everything...

Ahhh, Ulf! Say...

Is "harmony", you asshole!

[Ernie] Ulf!
[Ulf laughs]

[Ulf] Ernie! It's a knife!
A knife!