Stromberg (2004–2012): Season 1, Episode 1 - Der Parkplatz - full transcript

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Office... is like... a rollercoaster.
Always up and down.

If you do this each day for 8 hours - daily,
then you barf at some time.

For me: Every day here is a challenge.

-So. Soon finished.
-Yes

Here everyone helps everybody.

Cause at the end of the day,

we all sit in the same rollercoaster

Whoops.

Firstly everybody is the same here
For example parking lots:

We have very good parking areas,
next to the building, with roofs.

and not so good ones, far away, without roofs.
You get soaked everytime.



- I am on M8 since years, without roof, far back...
- *laughs*

- Why? Where are you?
- E4

Exactly! There, you see...

...how did *you* obtain E4?

- I know Hilpers and he's allocating
the parking lots

Ahhh Hilpers.. yeah...

... Croaking-Hilpers... i think he's
smoking asbestos cigarettes... he sounds like that.

- "One more please!"

- No, i think he's got heavy asthma

- Ah, oh... that's...

That's bad... with Hilpers.

- What?! I won't hear that my friend!

- ... Becaue usually these sites are blocked

- Yeah: Justly! Justly!



- Shall i re-establish the block?

- No, no. I am fine from here. Thank you.

Yes, i'll introduce my little city, as i said
everything is very familial in here

That for example is Ulf.

Ulf reading at work? What?

Others would like vacations like that!

Go, tell about it: How's life in here?

Better than *real* work, isn't it?

Well, insurance is not the job of my dreams,
would have preferred something with cars...

Yeah, Ulf, he's relativly new in here,
about one, two years...

- Five! Since five years

- ... but he belongs to the family already, our Ulf.

- Mr. Stromberg could you please see, that...
- Ernie, have you taken my mobile again?

- Yes and you will only get it back if you turn it down.
- Such a retard!

Uhm Ulf, that's a bit...

Alas, that's Ernie!

- The name is Bert, Berthold!
- Sure, but we all say Ernie.

- Only if thats filmed now i dont like Ernie,
because of my grandfather... he fell in the war.

- In the Trashcan! Great idea!
We only had that 12 times.

Ulf, now, that's really not necessary... Ernie!!!

As i said... its like a fair just with files

Now for something completly different guys:
Where do you park?

Ernie: Im coming by train
Ulf: E4. I'll get something on E4... said Croaking-Hilpers.

- Ulf, now thats not... Mr. Hilpers has heavy asthma,
we don't want to make jokes about that!

- Nonsense, he's smoking like an old Diesel,
thats why he sounds like that:

- Mr. Hilpers, i don't want to be bold...
- Phuu, i am not allowed

Whaat? Make a point! If i didn't do
everything I am not supposed to do,

I would not have any sex at all!

Mr. Stromberg, if you insist on a new parking lot,
I could provide you with something on F6.

Roofed!

But a little bit hard to park
because of all the pillars.

Yeah, that doesn't matter. I am no woman.

My wife drives us every morning.

We also park on F6.

Women in general... I meant a minute ago.

However: F6 is fine to begin with.

A parking space doesn't have anything
to do with prestige for me.

But why should every computer nerd or
office idiot park better than i do?

- Just stay for a moment
- No, no!

- I have something very nice for you here .
- No
- ... something very nice!

- Out of the question!
- I would suggest you just take it, and we lit it.

If i have to take shortcuts with cigarrs for that,
I dont have a problem with it. For real!

- And? Is it Good?
- Yes, it's terrific!

- You have to puff more... then...

...yes.

For me as a superviser its about creating a productive atmosphere.

And the atmosphere here... it's super... isn't it?

- Erika?

- I think there's too less meat in the canteen.

All that vegeterian stuff...

- Yes yes but now it's about the general atmosphere,

which is already super!

- Some asshole has painted me on the toilet wall!

- Sorry.
- Thats Tanja Seifert.

- But Tanja, that doesn't mean that it's you...
its not authentic at all, graphically.

- There's "Tanja" written below it!
- Yep... but...

- There's also written Stromberg...
- Where?

- Above "The wanker".

- Yes children, that of course is poison for the atmosphere!

- Make room at least.

- Uhm, what's going on in here?
- Someone has painted Tanja naked on the wall.

- In here? Big lesbian-inferno?
- You are just an asshole!

- Whats up? Tanja I'm sorry...
- I will find out who has done it!

- I still have finger print powder from a magazine at home.

- You've got your clothes from a magazine too.

- Mr. Stromberg, I want an official dissuasion for Ulf.

- Ernie, I really have different...

- ...With her boyfriend, it isn't going very well.

- Really? I see...

- Over here "Stromberg is gay" is written
in multiple colors shall i remove it?

I'm sorry.

A bit stupid that I made such a fuzz about
that little scribbling, hm?

- They've already forgotten it anyway.

- Hey Tanja, don't worry, we will find out who has done that...

- ... with the drawing: I'll make that really big.

It will have consequences... Tanja?

Yeah, you don't need to look at me like that.
I've got support from Stromberg.

You will be one of the first!

Ulf... yes... very funny!
You are on the top of my list!

... well now i have that... now i only need...

... the drawing... which i have calked

To have fun at the cost of a very nice colleague,

that maddens me.

In this department there are made many jokes about me.

And always below my belt-line. Only ... i'm a man,

but Tanja...

... and that's why I stay hard in such cases!

The others may call me "Charles Bronson" or "Clint Eastwood"...

... I don't care about that.

- Like that?
- Yeah...

- You are next

- And now write Tanja below it.

At the beginning you still find some things funny...

... but after some years you are already fed up,
when the guy enters in the morning.

With colleagues, you can't just break up

Its somehow like a marriage.

Well Tanja... How they hangi... everything all right?

Yeah, in the first moment it was just...
Maybe it wasn't that dramatic.

Yeees... No. I wouldn't!
Resist the beginnings!

Eh? It begins with small paintings, one does not
stay aware, and suddenly there's mass-rape!

Yes?

You can come to me with that anytime.

Heh?

Anytime!

Yes.

Good.

Got to go.

- I am...
- Can... can i help you?

- My husband is at the hospital, Klaus Hilpers.
- Ahhh, Mrs. Hilpers?

Yes. Stromberg.
I hope its nothing serious?

- Presumably an asthma-attack...

The heart... and he was here short before it.

So i thought... maybe you noticed something?

- Hmmm, no. We'll go into my office, better.

I could have sworn this was caused by smoking.

He's not allowed to smoke anymore, for years.

Smoking would be poison for him.

This morning everything was still alright, and now?

Yeah one can't know most of the times.... can't know...

An uncle of mine!
Also, in rude health, never had anything.

Boom... into the hospital... opened him up,
directly closed him again. Full of metastases.

There is nothing one can do...

As a boss, sensibility is extremly important,

especially with members of the other sex...

... for exapmle women.

And i see that as a plus in myself,
if i may say this like that.

Because to women i've always had a good connection!

... well not sexually. Hehe. May be a bit
mistakable, a good 'connection', hehe.

But thats what i mean with sen-si-bil-ity.

Your husband will surely be as good as new.

At least he has something in you he surely...
...will ... want... to come back....

If i may say it like that. Cause you
are a very attractive women.

Mrs. Hilpers, if there's anything i can
do for you, please tell me.

...Or if there's anything else.

Sometimes i even have a look into these women-magazines
like "Brigitte" and how they are called

To see how they actually think inside, these girls.

Ernie? It's really nice what you are doing,
but its just not necessary...

- For you... i would do every...
- It's very sweet... but...

- And now shall I write "Tanja"?
- Yes... below!

- Listen, i would really like you to stop that now.

- Now you've got marker there.
- Where?

- There. Next to your mouth.
- Where? Here?

- As good as gone.

- Ehm, i think i've also got marker there...

- No, how did *that* happen?! Shall i clean it?

- Tanja?

- I've still got marker everywhere.

- Sorry i cant do anything about that.

That means you can't do anything about that?

About the parking space?

I just thought i'd ask...
...cause you are working in the same department

..and somehow it was the... last... thing your husband did...

... to promise me the parking space on E3.

...uhm...

...That is...

...Oh yes...

...That's... a retraining in... in scope of... the...

Mrs. Hilpers?

You'll have the quarter-figures by next week Mrs. Berkel, sure.

The... the analysis of the projects...
...i've already sent it to you... via email....

Hmmm... yesterday...

Sure! I have printed the lists...
... they are lying right in front of me.

Yeah i know we are late.

Turculu already has?

Of course Turculu already has. He's a geek.
Surely in Koran-School he and his teacher always...

Yes, i was just kidding

Hmhm, next week.

Looking good.

Yes, thank you

You too, Goodb...

Well, Turculu is supervisor for claims settlement A-L

I've got M-Z, so *nominally* we are coequal.

- Mr. Stromberg you know that there are
thoughts in the management about restructuring.

This change-over concerns your department

and the departmant A-L of Mr. Turculu:
To that effect to merge your departments.

There's just the question under whos supervision,
yours or Mr. Turculu's?

- Oh, i haven't thought about it like that yet.
Because i am pro foreigner-integration i would say:

Let the turk do it. But firstly i am
longer present and secondly...

- I've looked at the figures of your deparmtment
for the last quarter and there you look much worse.

- Tsss... Numbers! This is not the lottery here,
it's about many other things.

- For example?

- About atmosphere ...a ...a... bout... people!
There you can ask my whole department...

...the atmosphere in my department...

- Mr. Stromberg, I will have a special look at you
and your department in the next time.

- Good!
- Good.

- Hello Mr. Stromberg.
- Ah, it's Turculu.

- I didn't know you smoke
- Ah, hmm no, thats just...

...I'm just trying to get off
these damn nicotine-plasters.

I just spoke with the "Tubercle" about the whole merging process...

... don't know whether you've heard about it at all.

Sure! Sure! We've already spoke
about it the day before yesterday.

Tell me - the thing with the parking lot - is it ok with you?

Yes, yes, that i've got the one on E2.
I've heard you were also interested?

- Bestowed, Mr. Turculu. Bestowed!
- Good, thanks...

In the end you are completly alone,

*completly* alone!

My father always said:

If a wolve encounters a wolve in the forest
he thinks: Ah, surely a wolve.

But if a human encounters a human in the forest
he thinks: Ah, surely a murderer.

That applies here too.

That's how it is.

- I am going to ask these questions only once

Do you own a black marker Mr. Mueller?

- Are we not on a first-name-basis anymore Ernie?

- This is an official investigation!

Do you own a black marker?

- Erm, you wanted to ask the question only once!

Can I please?

So?

- What?

- For God's sake, Hans, surely you've got a black marker.

- Yes of course!

- Aha!

So.
How many times did you visit the womens toilet?

- What?

- Just wait until he asks for your ovulation!

a) 0-5 times

b) 6-10 times

c) more

Hans we are not finished yet.

Afterwards all the questions make sense!

I've got support from high above,
and i want everyone to...

Ernie takes it very serious...
...with his 'investigations'

- I had to paint too.
- i am sorry. I've already told him to stop.

It's no problem.

I could wait 100 years, noone would
paint me onto the toilett-walls.

Although, a little, small harrassment wouldn't be that bad.

Don't you want to harrass me a bit Mr. Stromberg?

- Thats not the right time for such jokes...
- Jokes, whos talking about jokes.

- ... there are reorganization plans from high above...

- and because of that it's extremly important that we all pull together on one string...
- Sorry...

just because pulling on strings!

- I just hope you are still laughing
if you are handed your dismissal

- What?
- Why?

Its usual practice: If two departments are merged
people will be left behind

- Whaaat?
- Children, thats no reason to become hectic!

What kind of a damned, shitty, bloody thing is this?!?!?!

We have to show "Tubercle" that
my... our deparmtment works like a charm

Mr. Stromberg? Can i talk to you?

Mrs. Hilpers... Hows your Husband?

- You are parking on F6 now too?
- Hmhm.

- There my car has been struck this morning. Supposedly by you.
- You'll always have...

...Excuse me?!?!

... surely a misunderstanding.

- We'll go into my...

- ...no, haven't heard anything either...

Even if I did, *if* I did struck your car,
I would have settled the claims!

- Thats just... because Mrs. Ebers said she's seen it
- Mrs. who?

- Mrs. Ebers, from A-L
- Ah, from department Turculu.

- Ah, now this makes sence, I only say as much as this:

It's about... ehm...career...

...promotion and...

ehm...stuff...

And there colleague Turculu just sees his Doener
floating down the River and tries everything.

The Turk can: Coffee, Doener, Belly-dance. Not more!
And thats no prejudice, it's historical evidence.

The old greeks, yes, they've achieved something
historically, but the Turk? There it's narrow...

Yesterday the thing with my husband,
today the car

Yeah it's hexed, one already has got pestilence,
and then gets struck too.

Now its almost something like a good diversion

- No, you are right... think positive.
- Yep. Maybe...

- ...After an evening on intensive care with all
these beeping machines I could really need a good diversion

- So, what are you planning for tonight?

- What?
- What?

- Did you just...
- No!

- Of course not.
We can just have dinner or something.

- Thats really...

Mrs. Hilpers
You've catched that completly on the wrong foot...

I mean in the wrong ear!

Mrs. Hilp...

Sexual harrassment.

Shame.

Two completly different things.

With an attractive woman I can't be anything but charming.

There I am powerless.

Hm?

You cant just throw an old hound a bone,

and then bitch around when he drools.

Stromberg

Evolution

Mrs. Berkel.

Into office Tokulo, now, why...

Can't that wait till tomorrow?

Yeah, yeah, i'll come now

yeah yeah, alright

Whats it about?

Mrs. Hilpers...

Hmhm

Yeah, good, bye.

Got to go.

"Mohammed has to go to the Berkel" [Berg == montain].

Mr. Turculu, let me phrase it like this:
In this - our - cultural area it's not common

to suspect someone only because some woman
believes to have seen something

- Theres no reason to speak about 'something'.

- I have information by Mrs. Hilpers, about a
hit-and-run accident on the parking area

- Tut, Children, that's nonsense!
There is a shaky witness, who believes...

- ... There is the video-tape of the surveillance camera of F6.
- What?

- Yes, that's what i am trying to explain to you all the time.
We can have a look at this together.

- Please.
- I ...

- Huh? He's got a TV and VCR? Why don't I have something like that?!
- Oh Mr. Stromberg...

- Yes, i did not know about that camera! On M6 there is no camera

- Thats Mrs. Hilpers now
- I dont like that. Those are police-state methods!

- Just like in your home country... we can...
- That now is the car of Mr. Stromberg.

- Backing into the parking space!

- Yes well, with this sunray insolation... that's...

...the camera perspective...

...we know that from soccer offside decisions

That...

...I did not realize that in the car...

Yeah well, though I get out off the car there,

I havent seen any damage.

Hmhm. Now i'm driving away... be...

...because I remembered something important.

Yes. Lirum-larum, of course I would have notified Mrs. Hilpers

and naturally settled the claims, but as you can see clear-cut...

Mrs. Hilpers also complained about your personal behaviour today.

Mr. Stromberg you know that I monitor you intensly at the moment.

Do you think this is the right way in this situation?

Here, have a look here!

Dieter has made such a bow at the 'j' of "Tanja"

Please, just stop that bullshit now!

- I just wanted to...
- I dont want to hear or see anything about that again. Don't you get it?

- Shall I paint myself with dots again?
- No you should not paint anything anymore, damned!

Well, Children, listen up!

Hello?

As you know, all of you are under special monitoring.

Thats why we will optimize working procedures.

Ah, Mrs. Berkel, I'm just explaining....

Ernie will show the graphic of the other day.

Come on ... let me do it...

Guys, it cant be possible that valuable working-time,

is sacrificed to clarify private questions!

... we had an organigram here...

It was about sexual herrassment,
there was an incident here recently.

Tut, Lirum-Larum...
So... marker!

Take a seat!

So... here is me.

Yes?

Claims-category 1:
Will be handled by Erika and...

...Tanja.

A possible change could be implemented, by saying...

...that Tanja...

Something wrong?

In the middle-term we should
see that we work more slimly...

... and then...

...I believe in this to become a round thing.

Yes?

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