Stormester (2018–…): Season 5, Episode 5 - Frikadeller og panering - full transcript
I cannot multitask!
- Take care, Mark.
- Lasse.
- How tight they are!
- Eww, so disgusting.
- Why?!
- I can't anymore!
- It's damn draft beer!
- Sure.
Good evening and welcome to Stormester.
The program where we are all winners.
If you believe that, I have an old lemon
in my fridge you can take a bite of -
- because only one participant wins my favor.
I'm the Stormester, and I'm notoriously hard to please.
However, five well-known Danes have set out to try:
Linda P!
Simon Talbot!
Sofie Jo Kaufmanas!
Jonas Mogensen!
And finally Tobias Rahim!
Here sits Mark le Fêvre.
You see, I like it when you learn something by watching this show.
Le Fêvre is French and means “the quota king”.
What has happened to your attire?
I’m just going to say it as it is. It's a mistake on my part.
We usually have a Christmas program and I mixed up some dates.
It’s a misunderstanding and I do recognize that I look like an idiot.
As customary we are vying for a golden trophy. My visage.
But in each program, one participant will bring an object -
- that they cherish and eagerly want to win back.
- What's the prize tonight?
- Something extraordinary.
You brought something, Tobias.
That’s a nice one.
And it’s something you really want to win yourself?
I would not mind coming home with it.
But it could be rather cozy, this thought
of it hanging in one of your homes.
My wife would agree.
I would never be able to perform if that thing was in the bedroom.
But what you see isn’t the whole poster, Tobias.
- There is a little more to it.
- There is a cock too.
- Is there a cock in the picture?
- Yes, it's actually a full nude picture.
- I cannot see anything.
- Well yes, it's a cock.
But isn’t there something with it being pretty rare?
Yes. It's the last of the ten that was made.
One was sold as crypto art. NFT.
It's worth a lot of money now.
It was Burhan G who bought it. [r&b/pop musician]
Tonight's prize is this poster by Tobias Rahim.
We have cut where it gets naughty... And this applies to the
seasonal prize as well, also cut where it starts getting naughty.
We're all so excited to get started -
- that I may ask you: What is the first task of the evening?
A dish of frikadeller [meatballs] in an amount that
even my grandmother would be impressed with.
Hi, Mark le Finderup Lade.
Wow, it smells good, doesn’t it?
Deller!
Yes.
- The task has not started yet.
- What if the task is: How many are there?
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...
... 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 ...
- Do they taste good?
- You want a taste?
... 70, 71, 72.
- They're good, right?
- Pretty good.
But I’m not an idiot. It could also be:
"Make a tower as high as you can."
You cannot run around corners with me.
Let's see then.
"Eat the number you think is reasonable."
Reasonable?
"How many are eaten in total."
- Place your bid.
- In ten minutes.
- Most correct guess wins.
- Time starts now.
It’s just about getting down to work.
I had not seen the board.
- In total eaten by me and the others?
- Yes.
Oh, what the hell have people eaten?
You have to wait.
We are looking for the answer to the question:
What is a reasonable number of frikadeller for five people to eat?
It's not an eating contest. It's kind of irrelevant.
It is about guessing -
- how many frikadeller you think the others think ... You see.
- We could call it a “frikadelle prejudice competition”.
- To a great extent.
We can start out with a pretty prejudiced trio.
Linda, Sofie and Tobias.
- Okay. Are there onions in them?
- Yes.
Cool. It will be really awful for you, then.
- Is it pork?
- Yes.
Sure. I think I'm skipping.
I think it’s reasonable to say I have eaten a fifth of one frikadelle.
How much do you think the others have eaten?
Jonas, Sofie, Simon, Linda, Tobias.
Okay, let’s begin all nice and easy.
This man. Four meters high. Huge lungs. Huge belly.
Tobias has eaten four.
- Linda.
- Hungry girl.
I think she can take 12.
Seven.
- One fifth. But Sofie?
- She seems quite determined.
- Okay. This is my number four.
- Yes.
It is reasonable to eat four frikadeller.
She has not eaten any.
Ten.
Then we have Simon.
He exercises a lot and he’s vain in regards to his body.
But at the same time he is such a media whore,
who would probably do it for the sake of the camera.
I think he went for it ...
“Oh, frikadeller, delicious!”
And then he just throws them in.
He may well have gotten 11 down. And Jonas?
His vocabulary consists of tractor and bacon. He’s truly Jutlandic.
- What have you eaten, Jonas? Eight.
- Ten frikadeller here.
Is it set too high?
34.
43.
- Thanks for today.
- You too.
Then it’s all set for the next one to complete the task.
That’s funny. You know very well that in the standup environment -
- we don’t shy away from slandering some of those
who aren’t present. After all, it happens quite often.
Sometimes in this setting one just forgets about being filmed.
What kind of prejudice is this? A media whore and ...
I have some integrity!
It is prejudiced! Sofie is from Vesterbro [area in Copenhagen].
So I figured she's a “spelt cunt” who does not eat frikadeller
[negative term for people obsessed with “clean living”].
There’s nothing but prejudices in this clip, I’ll admit to it!
And I am a hungry girl. I ate 40 frikadeller before we started.
Shots are fired in East and West,
but you agree when aiming at Simon.
It is he who can and will eat the most.
Well, he is boundless!
In general their bids seem quite high.
- What numbers do they give?
- Four frikadeller have been eaten, but the bids are 34, 37 and 43.
So for it to come true, it really depends
on the media whore over there.
I think you are being prejudiced.
I'm not the type to demean myself for television.
- Just wait. Now comes the clip.
- Do we need to see it?
Okay, okay.
No, fuck!
I have an idea, Mark. But I do not like it.
- Can you say it out loud?
- Yes, I need to find a blender.
- We have a blender.
- Then the bus is running. Now we do this!
Now we do this.
Now we do it!
Five, six.
We start with six.
Do you feel okay?
Uncomfortable.
I don’t know if it would’ve been easier to just eat them?
It seems that way. Come on!
He is weak. A weak man.
Two and a half.
- What are we up to, Mark?
- You're on five.
- You have one minute left.
- Fuck!
One of them might as well say that it's fair to eat zero.
Time's up.
I have it.
- This is so gross.
- You know what, we are heading for lunch.
- I think there's lasagna.
- No!
So ...
"I'm not a media whore", and then you blend the frikadeller.
How many were there?
- Five.
- Five. But it was because it got cold mixed with the water.
But why did you do that?
Because it's television.
- It is the most disgusting thing I have ever done.
- I'm fucking glad you're on this show.
You take one for the team every single time.
It was the most grossed out thing I have seen, really.
I just realised we're missing my clip.
What the hell have I done?
Have I stuffed frikadeller in my ass, or what?
I can’t outmatch… It will be deadly boring now.
Why didn’t I think of that?
It's a good question what Jonas did.
But what was Simon's prediction?
You may well be feeling like an idiot,
but actually your guess isn’t wide of the mark.
Because you consume five frikadeller,
which in total makes it 9.2.
You guess that a total of 10.5 will be eaten. Good bid.
It's annoying how you're both gross and clever.
We are missing Jonas. Can we be allowed to see?
Of course. It's going to be somewhat contrary to Simon.
We're dealing with what I would call a frikadelle-conneisseur.
We have no red cabbage?
Who the hell doesn’t have red cabbage?
There were three.
That's three for me. I got to eat three.
Sofie also ate three. Simon has eaten five.
"Look, I'm a man, I can eat five frikadeller."
He does it just as much for the ladies.
Linda has fully changed her lifestyle,
hasn’t she? She has eaten zero.
Well, I have seen some pictures of that body of his.
- 11 in total.
- Super.
It was a nice task, this one.
Your nickname in the future is "The Frikadelle Prophet".
Where does he place himself with his performance and guess?
You eat three frikadeller.
That brings the total intake up to 12.2.
You guess 11, so it’s even better than Simon's bid.
Mark, can you score some points?
Certainly. One point for Tobias.
Two points for Sofie.
Three points for Linda. Four points for Simon.
And five points for Mr. Frikadelle.
We got the program started.
What’s next, and what have you got there?
Just a little, cheeky fellow I smuggled in.
- Oh ...
- Oh, no!
- What’s up?
- What’s up?
Where's Mark hiding?
- Hi Mark le Fæces.
- Is it such a cover for hunting?
S for Sofie. It must be for me.
- Well ...
- This is going to be illegal.
"Smuggle the most objects from the shed to the igloo."
Igloo. From the shed to the igloo.
"Without Mark seeing you."
Well. And you're sitting there. And you're sitting there.
- The shed is there.
- You have 20 minutes.
- Or until Mark sees you.
- Most smuggled objects win.
"The time..."
"... starts when Mark blows the whistle in ten seconds."
What the fuck!
Uh ...
You have to smuggle things from the shed to the igloo -
- without Mark discovering you. What's going on?
I'm sitting in a tent with just a small window to look out from.
If I spot them, then ... this sound sounds and their time stops.
Otherwise you have 20 minutes.
Which means that the task can be over in five seconds.
You would prefer to start with Sofie, I gather?
Yes please!
Yes, yes, yes, if I want to ...
Why does he do it several times? Just because he can?
Fuck, he can see me! No, how annoying!
- Mark, what does time say?
- Now I’ll just ask stupidly, but have you read the task, Sofie?
Yes?
Oh no, not again.
"You have 20 minutes, or until he spots you."
Then I have already lost?
Then I lost right at the beginning.
No, hell. How poor this is. Fuck, how poor this is!
Sofie, I’ll end up being out of work.
It is my job to evaluate your performance.
And you say it all: "No, hell, how poor that is."
It was worse than when I blinked too fast.
No, but how poor it really was.
But you say it with a smile.
I do not remember seeing such an enthusiastic participant.
I've asked Mark to find your reaction to the tasks -
- and then put together the reactions where you are the happiest.
Were there enough of such happy and excited reactions?
Yes, are you completely insane!
Catapult. Fuck a word!
Yes, it's fun.
Funny, funny ...
Wow how nice. Fuck, it's gonna be good!
Yes, that's good. Damn good. It's going to be really good.
Exciting ... It's fun.
Shut up, that's good! Thanks for now.
No, Mark. This was so much fun, really. Goodbye.
That's how I feel on the inside.
Here the result was zero smuggled things.
Can I see someone who has done better?
I have Simon Talbot ready.
Then you're poor too. When you’re following me.
Fuck.
Piss.
What are we doing from here, Mark?
- What are you doing?
- Nothing.
Fuck! No!
Do we have any bags of rice or sand? Fuck!
- Mark?
- Simon?
- I just got a glimpse of you.
- Mark.
- You had one job.
- Yes, to keep an eye on you.
Found.
It’s the approach leading up to a good solution.
Block Mark's view, then you have safe-conduct for 20 minutes.
And I would have found bags filled with rice.
It doesn’t say: Move only things that are already in the shed.
One cannot be wise after the event.
I have a bad feeling.
You make the mistake of checking to see if Mark can see you.
There you discover that when you look
in on Mark, then Mark looks back at you.
How many things does Simon get smuggled from shed to igloo -
- before the duck call sounds?
Do you want to say it yourself?
Lots of air molecules.
- Zero.
- Also zero!
It's the same model of solution, and it's the
same honest result. Zero smuggled things.
- Let's move on to the ingenious solutions.
- Yes, let's see, Linda.
We need to make sure you can not see me, Mark.
But it may be what everyone else does. Like that.
Straight away more comfortable.
It was the igloo, right?
I'm getting an idea. You can very well
help out even if you can not see anything.
We just need to get you out of here.
My dignity is at zero right now.
Close your eyes.
Just down here and then you can help out.
Now you get this one in your hand. Just go!
Stop, Mark! To the left!
Not that much. Diagonally to the right.
You really aren’t of much help.
Your mother must have told you so.
Go ahead and sit down. Sit down and relax.
Is it Lasse himself who has to count?
Hello. This is what a star looks like.
This is what a downgoing person looks like.
- Did you film me?
- No.
I don’t want to do this anymore.
Are you done? It was lucky you were not spotted.
- Yeah right?
- Yes.
We've seen Simon be incompetent.
We have seen Sofie be incompetent.
And now we can see Mark being incompetent.
It is no use when the participants can tell you: Close your eyes.
It's about respect.
Linda says respect. I’ll be honest and say it's more about fear.
I work more with fear than respect.
Are you coming to bed? Come on!
Linda, there must be another kind of respect.
When Simon hugs the tent -
- then Mark, after all, is alert and tries to restore the tent.
How do you manage to get both a blanket
and a jar over the head of my assistant?
I threatened him before filming.
No, I just think that he's not so fast, the little one, so I guess ...
It was waiting for him to blink and then up with a blanket.
I just have to know. How does she get away
with fooling you like that? A blanket, a jar ...
It's happened before, hasn't it?
Oh, how we are enjoying my incompetence.
It would be a shame if a karma boomerang
showed up and hit someone in the ass.
- Yes! You did poorly as well.
- No.
We need to make sure you can not see me, Mark.
Why are you doing that? It is confusing.
- Were you confused just there?
- Yes.
Maybe you should ...
Maybe it's boring if we do what everyone else does.
Like that.
You simply can’t be haughty when you’re wearing that sweater.
You understand now why he blows the duck call?
Yes, I got it in this very second.
There are so far three members in the failure club.
I need to see someone who has managed more skillfully.
Tobias! Sure, Tobias!
What is he doing?
What does he do that is ingenious?
Well. Let it speak for itself.
If I really am good, then some people will have a hard time.
Wow. He said he was good. He was good.
We are having a hard time already.
Then it only gets worse. You must see Jonas and Tobias be -
- alarmingly much better than you.
- Mark?
- Yes.
Which way are you looking, approximately?
- I'm looking into a big, white house.
- Perfect!
The most objects?
Now that's twenty things.
It's a good barrow, this one.
It's more physical than I had planned.
Ah, hell.
It seems too easy.
More things.
How pathetic.
No, this one stays put.
Time's up!
- How are you feeling?
- It was not worth it. I already have regrets.
Mark, thanks for a good task.
- You are welcome.
- It was easy.
Yeah, okay. The engine that turns the platform isn’t that strong.
Jonas chooses a tour through the basement,
but you directly place a potted plant in its way.
- How quickly do you get the idea?
- Well, it happens at lightning speed.
- Look up at the picture.
- Yes, yes.
There it is!
You win 20 minutes by blocking Mark's opportunity to spot you.
You are giving yourselves a carte blanche.
It looks like you're pretty laid back about it, -
- while Jonas knuckles down until
he meets his nemesis: A toolbox.
I didn't care for that piss. It became too much.
How many objects do they get smuggled
from the shed and into the igloo?
Quite a few, actually.
We can start with Tobias. He smuggled 1800 screws.
Awesome counting.
And then 123 other things. In all, it's 1923 things.
But! It is no lie that Jonas was even more thorough.
3245 things.
Oh, how glad I am that I didn’t bother with the toolbox.
Two participants smuggle a four-digit number of items.
Three participants smuggle a big fat zero.
I'll be getting a little harsh. Zero stuff. Zero points.
And a first and second place for the other two.
Which means Jonas has 10 out of 10 points.
We take on one task at a time and
are well halfway through the season.
Isn’t it a good time to count the points for the entire season?
Yes, very much so. It's a close race.
Am I far behind?
No, what an evil laugh.
Linda, you have been disqualified in almost every program.
Linda, we’ll of course get back to you,
but right now we're talking about the top.
- Do you want to see the points?
- Yes.
I do not understand your enthusiasm, Linda.
This is what it looks like
No!
I’m in the lead?
Why are we so inferior?
That's the way of North Jutlanders.
Always underplayed, always superior.
It's funny how we’ve joked around with "he’s so smart" -
- and "he understands the law".
It's Jonas who has a law degree.
It's not even a lie. I had forgotten about that.
Nice with a little status at the halfway mark.
I'm starting to get hungry ...
- What do you have on the menu?
- Now we've just seen the points.
Both when I want to celebrate and when I need a little comfort -
- there is one thing that always works, namely frying.
Hi, Mark le Feltration [field ration].
Oops!
It’s a breaded task?
Inside?
I'm still trying to shed those pregnancy kilos.
Do you know what I weighed when I was pregnant? 317 kilos.
Shut up, it's gross.
- "Bread something exclusive."
- "The most exclusive ..."
"The most exclusive item breaded wins."
- "You have eight weeks."
- "Time starts now."
Breading is an artform.
How much breading would it take to cover a body like yours?
Exclusive ...
What is exclusive really?
"Something that only includes the select few."
Do you know what is exclusive? Saint—Tropez.
Finding something exclusive and small would make it easier.
I could bread a car.
Exclusive is also something that is only one of.
- Sure.
- I have eight weeks.
- I'll think on it.
- Delicious.
- Damn awesome task.
- Good to hear, Sofie.
- Bye, bye.
- Bon appetite.
Most things get more delicious by being tossed in
breadcrumbs or panko and then a dip into the deep fryer.
So I look forward to seeing the exclusive things they have cooked.
Mark, who am I allowed to taste first?
Not Linda, but Linda's thing.
- It did not make it better, Mark.
- Pardon.
Have a look, sir.
And bon appetite.
Fine breading, I would say.
Let's see what we're dealing with here.
It is tough. It's a tough thing.
Whatever you do, do not put anything in your mouth.
It looks like autographs, Linda.
Are there autographs on the note?
It's the phone number of a shemale
I met at a bar in Thailand in 2011.
For me, it's exclusive. I was sitting at a bar in Hua Hin.
She makes this ... at me.
And I'm like ... what?
And then she comes over and says ... again.
I’m like, "What the fuck do you mean?"
She says "you are a very handsome man",
is what she says to me, and then ...
... I get very drunk.
I got drunk. She was terrible in bed, but I think -
- that it was an exclusive souvenir to bring today.
- Thanks for the meal, Linda.
- Yes please.
Mark, who delivers the next dish?
I had thought Tobias Rahim would do so.
- Here you go.
- Well, well ...
Wow.
Delicious.
Well, that ... okay.
There's some kind of beetroot colored stuffing in it.
It's a passport.
It is.
You're right that it's exclusive.
I read it as getting access where others do not have access.
That passport there ... it gives access to a hell of a lot of places.
You can use it to go to Thailand.
If I am to benefit from the passport,
I need to be able to pretend to be you -
- and it requires, I can tell, that I
keep the clothes on as a minimum.
Thank you very much.
Tobias could almost reach it without getting up.
Thanks for the meal.
- I'm not full yet.
- Good to hear.
Let's jump on to Sofie's breading.
- Bon appetite.
- Thank you.
And voila.
What's inside? It can be eaten. Can it be eaten?
Can you see what it is before you eat it? No ...
Have you breaded some ... breading?
No, you're eating it. Stop eating. Open your mouth.
- This ...
- Is it corona?
- What is it?
- That is ...
- It should be a pea.
- Has there been a pea in it?
- Yes, do you have any more in there?
- Yes, yes ...
I breaded a pea.
Why did you bread a pea?
Yes, why have I breaded a pea?
Well, because it is the only pea that
Stormester Lasse Rimmer has sat on.
Have I sat on a pea?
Can we bring in the evidence?
Next.
It explains why it tasted a little sour like my ass.
And we also determined that you are not a real princess.
Be careful saying so around town when you aren't.
Lasse, I would like to explain.
I've been through some stuff to make this pea joke.
I would say that I have as well with this one.
I think ...
It’s fine, but this is really hard.
My grandfather has traveled -
- from a small plain in Turkey and up through Yugoslavia ...
Please just shut up!
First, I wanted you to sleep on it, so I'm writing to your wife ...
Now you say wife.
... then you get a divorce -
- so she writes, "I can’t help anyway", which is fair.
Then I write to one of your colleagues,
but then you quit your job at the radio station.
So she writes, "Can't help anyway."
Then I had to get into the studio and just do things myself.
This solution is more reassuring than if you had
sneaked into my home and slipped it under the mattress.
So I’m content.
And it's exclusive. I have not sat on other peas.
When giving points, just remember that
I did not exhibit your personal failures.
I've had some of my own.
Mark, I had sworn I would not be full after a pea.
- But can I get another right?
- Yes. Simon Talbot.
What have you come up with?
Just take it up from the glass and
have it as a proper “hapser” [snack].
Hapser-schnappser.
- You should be able to drink it.
- It's something evil.
It's his kids or something.
It's a Kinder Surprise Egg with an alcoholic liqueur inside.
Yes, yes, yes ...
- Yes, yes ...
- Yes, yes ...
It’s because I've made my own whiskey.
And this is the very first batch of a
salted caramel moonshine whiskey ...
The first. As in before it is approved?
Yes, straight from the bathtub after I’ve laid down in it -
- and sweated out all the frikadeller.
Thank you.
Then you can drink up some courage to call your new lady.
I want two things. Later a taxi home.
But first I want the last breaded dish. Jonas Mogensen.
It smells good.
- Holy shit.
- Okay ...
Make sure it does not tip over.
There’s a little too much weight on it.
"Little"?
It's such really classy food.
- There’s some meat and herbs in it.
- Yes, it's great food.
- Should I eat it?
- You just dig into it.
- There's some cheese in it too.
- Yes, it's probably au gratin oysters.
- Is it?
- Yes.
- Did you bake it yourself?
- I breaded it myself.
It's a five-course meal from Pastis [French bistro in Copenhagen].
- Is each of them a dish?
- Yes.
I think it's oysters. And fried turbot in a lobster bisque.
Then it's some tatar.
And then there are veal briskets.
Lemon pie, une surprise.
And the surprise is some very delicious vanilla ice cream.
I won’t be finishing this serving. There’s simply too much.
Then offer Talbot some of it.
- May I ...?
- Just eat.
Thank you for the courses.
One should not make the most tasty, but the most exclusive.
Exclusivity is something that is hard to gain access to.
I know, after all, that even though it was delicious -
- then they are open most of the year.
Jonas, I'm giving you one point -
- because I could bread the same things myself.
That takes me to the cheeky number from Hua Hin.
I have the feeling that she has given it to several.
No. No. It was only me who, completely exclusive, got it.
You get two points.
It was a delicious mouthful, but I actually
have my own personal whiskey at home -
- which I have had a skilled Danish distillery deliver.
But you get three points, because it’s a limited edition.
Then we have the pea I was sitting on
and a passport that Tobias has obtained -
- because his father has traveled up through Europe.
Oh, there are not a lot of peas I have sat on.
But there are not many passports on stage, either.
Sofie gets four and Tobias five points.
I am full after all this breading, but still hungry for more tasks.
We are going to a task that is equally
unnatural and realistic at the same time.
It's a long entrance we get.
Hi, Mark le Færdigpakket. [pre-packed]
There is mail.
- Oh boy.
- It's one of the long ones.
- "Get a body part ..."
- "... to look unnaturally long."
"You have 20 minutes."
"Most realistic unnaturally long body part wins."
"Time starts now."
"Most realistic, unnaturally ..."
I should win straight away -
- because I probably have the longest natural body part.
Should I just toss it on the table?
It's going to be long.
I want a body part that looks realistic -
- but at the same time is unnaturally long.
It should be self-evident, what’s asked for.
- Yes.
- Where do we begin?
I think we start with Jonas Mogensen. I know you privately.
And I know you have a slightly above average coffee thirst.
- Coffee?
- Yes please.
- Just what I needed.
- Yes.
- There aren't a lot of breaks on set.
- And you know, I also have to record with all the others.
Fuck, man.
- You know how Linda can get ...
- Yes.
You didn’t hear it from me.
Notice how damn hot the coffee was.
That's a great solution.
I like that you support the realism -
- by trying to create a normal situation
with some smalltalk between recordings.
Good natural acting.
- It's cleverly solved.
- Well, now ... Yes, yes ...
What's up now?
Linda P., who has made it a tradition to use me -
- to solve things for her.
We were looking for realism, however, I want to emphasize.
So, Mark ... Now I've stretched your neck a little.
- Yes, I can confirm.
- Well. See you, Mark.
Bye Bye.
- Yes, it's a long neck.
- It should also be unnatural.
- Yes, it's unnaturally long.
- But that's also what it is.
- But is it realistic?
- I think it is.
There are three types of magic:
"I'll never figure that out", -
- "impressive, but I have an idea about the trick" -
- and "I think I know how she did it".
You belong in one of these categories.
Give me another attempt, Mark.
We're jumping to Simon Talbot. With our hairstyle -
- it can be difficult to assess where the forehead actually ends.
I sometimes suffer from migraines.
When I have a headache, I pop 18 Panodil.
Shut up, man. I once went to the barber ...
- Yes?
- Yes.
It cost 17,000 DKK.
I think damn my forehead itches a bit. Could you just ...?
So ...
- Simon! Simon! Are you okay?
- I can't talk anymore.
Mine looked more realistic than those two dickheads.
It was a "big brain solution".
You want me to think it looks realistic -
- that a man wears a bandana and bowler hat.
Have you seen Sydney Lee? [reality personage]
You can do whatever in this world.
Long arm, high neck, high skulls. What now?
Now it's Sofie who actually took lessons
at a very prestigious dance school.
Hi Lasse. Have you ever noticed how long my arm is?
Have you ever seen me do the electric boogie ...?
It just takes a few minutes.
- Impressive.
- Thanks.
I've never noticed how long your arm is, but I just noticed, -
- when I saw how long your arm is,
that it’s quite flat and thin in some places.
I cannot recognize that, offhand.
The blazer changes color quite a few times.
Mark, give me another bid.
It's Tobias. As you can sense in the picture -
- he takes care of that temple of a body.
- Is it suitable for everyone to watch?
- It was a cold day.
Watch out, Mark.
- Pardon.
- Don’t be so rough on it.
It's part of my body.
It's difficult to keep such a long nail.
- But I just feel like, “It's my body.”
- I think we’re done.
It's possible to make a nail look realistic -
- because it’s already made of ...
that nail material that nails are made of.
Quite realistic and also unrealistically long.
I'm ready to hand out points.
Long is good, but realistic counts too.
I did not buy the long neck. You get one point.
It's somewhat better when there’s a living hand on the table -
- but there’s something with the arm that I just don’t buy.
It winds in an annoying way, so you get two points.
Then there’s something with the balance and soft skulls.
Three points for Simon.
I give four points to Tobias and five to Jonas.
Update us. What does the overall position look like?
Jonas Mogensen is in the lead.
In the lead is a great place to be.
But will it hold up after the last task -
- which yet again takes place right here on stage?
Mark ...
All I'm looking forward to right now is the final task.
Who should read the task aloud?
They are in order of points.
Jonas, you have the most, so you are allowed to read the task.
"Choose your weapon."
Jonas, you're allowed to pick a weapon first.
Oh.
You just want to choose this one.
- But it entices, I think.
- What are you tempted by?
The drill or the sword damn it. Any lad would be.
I think I will go for the tape.
No, wait, it's not tape!
What is it?
- It's a fishing line.
- It's lace.
Tobias Rahim, it's your turn.
What are you leaning towards?
I have no problem choosing the cliché -
- when the cliché is as potent and beautiful as this sword.
I should have let one of you have it -
- but I'm not that fucking man, I'm the ...
I am that fucking man.
I'm taking this one.
"Choose" is a big word now, but ...
- “Süddeutsche Zeitung”
- Yes, good choice.
- Good choice!
- Like that, Linda. It's a good choice.
It’s strong stuff.
Five weapons have been chosen,
but if you think the task is over now -
- then you're right.
I care most for table tennis. Simon wins five points.
No no ...
- No, the task is ...
- Oh my god, he's back again.
The task is actually not over. Of course there's a second part.
That’s probably true. Moment!
It should be Christmas carol humming, Mark.
So ...
- Linda, do you want to read it?
- Yes please.
"Halve an edible object using your weapon."
- You were right.
- It's brilliant.
No, this is shit.
Okay, sorry.
- I'm complaining.
- Fuck!
"Most accurately halved item wins."
- The fishing line is ...
- And now we have to ...
- It is good.
- Linda, you have the fewest points.
- So you get to choose food first.
- I think I work best together with the eggplant.
Try to ...
- Which food do you choose?
- It probably hurts less.
Linda, please halve your food item.
- Are you sorry you do not have the newspaper?
- Just shut up already.
Now the “spelt cunt” needs to be quiet for two seconds.
- Fine.
- Yes Yes ...
Great.
- Yes please.
- Fine.
34 grams.
- 29 grams.
- Well then.
- Sofie.
- Yes!
No ... This one.
Do you think I'm an idiot, man?
Such.
Then we take the newspaper's strongest page.
Have you thought about how hard the bottom is?
Yes, yes ... The bottom is split.
- 335 grams.
- Aha.
Stop with those sounds, Sofie.
241 grams.
Well then!
The difference is 94 grams.
You are in second place so far.
You are a candidate for four points.
But we must move on.
Simon, what do you choose?
Yes, it's musty.
Okay, I just have to feel it.
It's what you blended that is put into a sausage.
Okay ...
And cortino.
Okay.
May I also be allowed to snack a little after?
I'll take it.
- 374 grams.
- Thank you.
- And 371 grams.
- No!
No, it's really bad.
And with a difference of a paltry three grams -
- Simon Talbot has put himself in the lead.
Tobias, let's see if you can do better.
You want that snapshot. Now cut to it, damn it.
I think ...
- You are done.
- Tobias has lost this one.
- What about these two?
- 693 grams.
- You cannot add two.
- No, only those from the table.
- What about them?
- He took them from the floor.
It's like in primary school. "I just want to be allowed to say ..."
- Yes, yes ...
- Okay.
28 grams.
It gives a difference of 665 grams between the two pieces.
- Well, Jonas ...
- Yes.
The eggplant and lace.
I do it that way.
Use that law degree now.
Then it was not such a waste of time anyway.
- Can you double it?
- Smart thinking.
- No, come on.
- I can not.
Then it wasn’t a help to be bookish anyway, huh?
No, really not, no!
- I can not.
- What the fuck.
- Well, you do not have ...
- My difference is less, anyway.
You have not halved it, you lump.
No, but the difference is still less than Tobias’.
How much does this half of the eggplant weigh?
- 325 grams.
- So the difference is ...?
Between 325 and zero grams, 325 grams!
That's enough for a fourth place finish.
Yeah, man!
A fourth place for Jonas Mogensen.
We take them from one end.
665 grams gives one point to Tobias Rahim.
Jonas' was 325 grams. It gives two points for a fourth place.
Third place was Sofie with 94 grams,
but also with a delicious pie to take home.
Just five grams was the case for Linda's pickled cucumber.
And then a measly three grams difference
and five points and a first place -
- to Simon Talbot.
Who won tonight's program, Mark le Fêvre?
The winner, and it can sound crazy when
he can’t even halve a vegetable, -
- is Jonas Mogensen.
The picture is yours.
From the emoji version to the real thing for Jonas Mogensen.
He became the winner this week.
I only have one addition.
Once a landscape gardener stuck me a shovel and let me dig -
- and I found a tiny piece of paper that said,
"Thank you for tonight."
Texts: Larsen & Knudsen
Danish Video Text
- Take care, Mark.
- Lasse.
- How tight they are!
- Eww, so disgusting.
- Why?!
- I can't anymore!
- It's damn draft beer!
- Sure.
Good evening and welcome to Stormester.
The program where we are all winners.
If you believe that, I have an old lemon
in my fridge you can take a bite of -
- because only one participant wins my favor.
I'm the Stormester, and I'm notoriously hard to please.
However, five well-known Danes have set out to try:
Linda P!
Simon Talbot!
Sofie Jo Kaufmanas!
Jonas Mogensen!
And finally Tobias Rahim!
Here sits Mark le Fêvre.
You see, I like it when you learn something by watching this show.
Le Fêvre is French and means “the quota king”.
What has happened to your attire?
I’m just going to say it as it is. It's a mistake on my part.
We usually have a Christmas program and I mixed up some dates.
It’s a misunderstanding and I do recognize that I look like an idiot.
As customary we are vying for a golden trophy. My visage.
But in each program, one participant will bring an object -
- that they cherish and eagerly want to win back.
- What's the prize tonight?
- Something extraordinary.
You brought something, Tobias.
That’s a nice one.
And it’s something you really want to win yourself?
I would not mind coming home with it.
But it could be rather cozy, this thought
of it hanging in one of your homes.
My wife would agree.
I would never be able to perform if that thing was in the bedroom.
But what you see isn’t the whole poster, Tobias.
- There is a little more to it.
- There is a cock too.
- Is there a cock in the picture?
- Yes, it's actually a full nude picture.
- I cannot see anything.
- Well yes, it's a cock.
But isn’t there something with it being pretty rare?
Yes. It's the last of the ten that was made.
One was sold as crypto art. NFT.
It's worth a lot of money now.
It was Burhan G who bought it. [r&b/pop musician]
Tonight's prize is this poster by Tobias Rahim.
We have cut where it gets naughty... And this applies to the
seasonal prize as well, also cut where it starts getting naughty.
We're all so excited to get started -
- that I may ask you: What is the first task of the evening?
A dish of frikadeller [meatballs] in an amount that
even my grandmother would be impressed with.
Hi, Mark le Finderup Lade.
Wow, it smells good, doesn’t it?
Deller!
Yes.
- The task has not started yet.
- What if the task is: How many are there?
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...
... 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 ...
- Do they taste good?
- You want a taste?
... 70, 71, 72.
- They're good, right?
- Pretty good.
But I’m not an idiot. It could also be:
"Make a tower as high as you can."
You cannot run around corners with me.
Let's see then.
"Eat the number you think is reasonable."
Reasonable?
"How many are eaten in total."
- Place your bid.
- In ten minutes.
- Most correct guess wins.
- Time starts now.
It’s just about getting down to work.
I had not seen the board.
- In total eaten by me and the others?
- Yes.
Oh, what the hell have people eaten?
You have to wait.
We are looking for the answer to the question:
What is a reasonable number of frikadeller for five people to eat?
It's not an eating contest. It's kind of irrelevant.
It is about guessing -
- how many frikadeller you think the others think ... You see.
- We could call it a “frikadelle prejudice competition”.
- To a great extent.
We can start out with a pretty prejudiced trio.
Linda, Sofie and Tobias.
- Okay. Are there onions in them?
- Yes.
Cool. It will be really awful for you, then.
- Is it pork?
- Yes.
Sure. I think I'm skipping.
I think it’s reasonable to say I have eaten a fifth of one frikadelle.
How much do you think the others have eaten?
Jonas, Sofie, Simon, Linda, Tobias.
Okay, let’s begin all nice and easy.
This man. Four meters high. Huge lungs. Huge belly.
Tobias has eaten four.
- Linda.
- Hungry girl.
I think she can take 12.
Seven.
- One fifth. But Sofie?
- She seems quite determined.
- Okay. This is my number four.
- Yes.
It is reasonable to eat four frikadeller.
She has not eaten any.
Ten.
Then we have Simon.
He exercises a lot and he’s vain in regards to his body.
But at the same time he is such a media whore,
who would probably do it for the sake of the camera.
I think he went for it ...
“Oh, frikadeller, delicious!”
And then he just throws them in.
He may well have gotten 11 down. And Jonas?
His vocabulary consists of tractor and bacon. He’s truly Jutlandic.
- What have you eaten, Jonas? Eight.
- Ten frikadeller here.
Is it set too high?
34.
43.
- Thanks for today.
- You too.
Then it’s all set for the next one to complete the task.
That’s funny. You know very well that in the standup environment -
- we don’t shy away from slandering some of those
who aren’t present. After all, it happens quite often.
Sometimes in this setting one just forgets about being filmed.
What kind of prejudice is this? A media whore and ...
I have some integrity!
It is prejudiced! Sofie is from Vesterbro [area in Copenhagen].
So I figured she's a “spelt cunt” who does not eat frikadeller
[negative term for people obsessed with “clean living”].
There’s nothing but prejudices in this clip, I’ll admit to it!
And I am a hungry girl. I ate 40 frikadeller before we started.
Shots are fired in East and West,
but you agree when aiming at Simon.
It is he who can and will eat the most.
Well, he is boundless!
In general their bids seem quite high.
- What numbers do they give?
- Four frikadeller have been eaten, but the bids are 34, 37 and 43.
So for it to come true, it really depends
on the media whore over there.
I think you are being prejudiced.
I'm not the type to demean myself for television.
- Just wait. Now comes the clip.
- Do we need to see it?
Okay, okay.
No, fuck!
I have an idea, Mark. But I do not like it.
- Can you say it out loud?
- Yes, I need to find a blender.
- We have a blender.
- Then the bus is running. Now we do this!
Now we do this.
Now we do it!
Five, six.
We start with six.
Do you feel okay?
Uncomfortable.
I don’t know if it would’ve been easier to just eat them?
It seems that way. Come on!
He is weak. A weak man.
Two and a half.
- What are we up to, Mark?
- You're on five.
- You have one minute left.
- Fuck!
One of them might as well say that it's fair to eat zero.
Time's up.
I have it.
- This is so gross.
- You know what, we are heading for lunch.
- I think there's lasagna.
- No!
So ...
"I'm not a media whore", and then you blend the frikadeller.
How many were there?
- Five.
- Five. But it was because it got cold mixed with the water.
But why did you do that?
Because it's television.
- It is the most disgusting thing I have ever done.
- I'm fucking glad you're on this show.
You take one for the team every single time.
It was the most grossed out thing I have seen, really.
I just realised we're missing my clip.
What the hell have I done?
Have I stuffed frikadeller in my ass, or what?
I can’t outmatch… It will be deadly boring now.
Why didn’t I think of that?
It's a good question what Jonas did.
But what was Simon's prediction?
You may well be feeling like an idiot,
but actually your guess isn’t wide of the mark.
Because you consume five frikadeller,
which in total makes it 9.2.
You guess that a total of 10.5 will be eaten. Good bid.
It's annoying how you're both gross and clever.
We are missing Jonas. Can we be allowed to see?
Of course. It's going to be somewhat contrary to Simon.
We're dealing with what I would call a frikadelle-conneisseur.
We have no red cabbage?
Who the hell doesn’t have red cabbage?
There were three.
That's three for me. I got to eat three.
Sofie also ate three. Simon has eaten five.
"Look, I'm a man, I can eat five frikadeller."
He does it just as much for the ladies.
Linda has fully changed her lifestyle,
hasn’t she? She has eaten zero.
Well, I have seen some pictures of that body of his.
- 11 in total.
- Super.
It was a nice task, this one.
Your nickname in the future is "The Frikadelle Prophet".
Where does he place himself with his performance and guess?
You eat three frikadeller.
That brings the total intake up to 12.2.
You guess 11, so it’s even better than Simon's bid.
Mark, can you score some points?
Certainly. One point for Tobias.
Two points for Sofie.
Three points for Linda. Four points for Simon.
And five points for Mr. Frikadelle.
We got the program started.
What’s next, and what have you got there?
Just a little, cheeky fellow I smuggled in.
- Oh ...
- Oh, no!
- What’s up?
- What’s up?
Where's Mark hiding?
- Hi Mark le Fæces.
- Is it such a cover for hunting?
S for Sofie. It must be for me.
- Well ...
- This is going to be illegal.
"Smuggle the most objects from the shed to the igloo."
Igloo. From the shed to the igloo.
"Without Mark seeing you."
Well. And you're sitting there. And you're sitting there.
- The shed is there.
- You have 20 minutes.
- Or until Mark sees you.
- Most smuggled objects win.
"The time..."
"... starts when Mark blows the whistle in ten seconds."
What the fuck!
Uh ...
You have to smuggle things from the shed to the igloo -
- without Mark discovering you. What's going on?
I'm sitting in a tent with just a small window to look out from.
If I spot them, then ... this sound sounds and their time stops.
Otherwise you have 20 minutes.
Which means that the task can be over in five seconds.
You would prefer to start with Sofie, I gather?
Yes please!
Yes, yes, yes, if I want to ...
Why does he do it several times? Just because he can?
Fuck, he can see me! No, how annoying!
- Mark, what does time say?
- Now I’ll just ask stupidly, but have you read the task, Sofie?
Yes?
Oh no, not again.
"You have 20 minutes, or until he spots you."
Then I have already lost?
Then I lost right at the beginning.
No, hell. How poor this is. Fuck, how poor this is!
Sofie, I’ll end up being out of work.
It is my job to evaluate your performance.
And you say it all: "No, hell, how poor that is."
It was worse than when I blinked too fast.
No, but how poor it really was.
But you say it with a smile.
I do not remember seeing such an enthusiastic participant.
I've asked Mark to find your reaction to the tasks -
- and then put together the reactions where you are the happiest.
Were there enough of such happy and excited reactions?
Yes, are you completely insane!
Catapult. Fuck a word!
Yes, it's fun.
Funny, funny ...
Wow how nice. Fuck, it's gonna be good!
Yes, that's good. Damn good. It's going to be really good.
Exciting ... It's fun.
Shut up, that's good! Thanks for now.
No, Mark. This was so much fun, really. Goodbye.
That's how I feel on the inside.
Here the result was zero smuggled things.
Can I see someone who has done better?
I have Simon Talbot ready.
Then you're poor too. When you’re following me.
Fuck.
Piss.
What are we doing from here, Mark?
- What are you doing?
- Nothing.
Fuck! No!
Do we have any bags of rice or sand? Fuck!
- Mark?
- Simon?
- I just got a glimpse of you.
- Mark.
- You had one job.
- Yes, to keep an eye on you.
Found.
It’s the approach leading up to a good solution.
Block Mark's view, then you have safe-conduct for 20 minutes.
And I would have found bags filled with rice.
It doesn’t say: Move only things that are already in the shed.
One cannot be wise after the event.
I have a bad feeling.
You make the mistake of checking to see if Mark can see you.
There you discover that when you look
in on Mark, then Mark looks back at you.
How many things does Simon get smuggled from shed to igloo -
- before the duck call sounds?
Do you want to say it yourself?
Lots of air molecules.
- Zero.
- Also zero!
It's the same model of solution, and it's the
same honest result. Zero smuggled things.
- Let's move on to the ingenious solutions.
- Yes, let's see, Linda.
We need to make sure you can not see me, Mark.
But it may be what everyone else does. Like that.
Straight away more comfortable.
It was the igloo, right?
I'm getting an idea. You can very well
help out even if you can not see anything.
We just need to get you out of here.
My dignity is at zero right now.
Close your eyes.
Just down here and then you can help out.
Now you get this one in your hand. Just go!
Stop, Mark! To the left!
Not that much. Diagonally to the right.
You really aren’t of much help.
Your mother must have told you so.
Go ahead and sit down. Sit down and relax.
Is it Lasse himself who has to count?
Hello. This is what a star looks like.
This is what a downgoing person looks like.
- Did you film me?
- No.
I don’t want to do this anymore.
Are you done? It was lucky you were not spotted.
- Yeah right?
- Yes.
We've seen Simon be incompetent.
We have seen Sofie be incompetent.
And now we can see Mark being incompetent.
It is no use when the participants can tell you: Close your eyes.
It's about respect.
Linda says respect. I’ll be honest and say it's more about fear.
I work more with fear than respect.
Are you coming to bed? Come on!
Linda, there must be another kind of respect.
When Simon hugs the tent -
- then Mark, after all, is alert and tries to restore the tent.
How do you manage to get both a blanket
and a jar over the head of my assistant?
I threatened him before filming.
No, I just think that he's not so fast, the little one, so I guess ...
It was waiting for him to blink and then up with a blanket.
I just have to know. How does she get away
with fooling you like that? A blanket, a jar ...
It's happened before, hasn't it?
Oh, how we are enjoying my incompetence.
It would be a shame if a karma boomerang
showed up and hit someone in the ass.
- Yes! You did poorly as well.
- No.
We need to make sure you can not see me, Mark.
Why are you doing that? It is confusing.
- Were you confused just there?
- Yes.
Maybe you should ...
Maybe it's boring if we do what everyone else does.
Like that.
You simply can’t be haughty when you’re wearing that sweater.
You understand now why he blows the duck call?
Yes, I got it in this very second.
There are so far three members in the failure club.
I need to see someone who has managed more skillfully.
Tobias! Sure, Tobias!
What is he doing?
What does he do that is ingenious?
Well. Let it speak for itself.
If I really am good, then some people will have a hard time.
Wow. He said he was good. He was good.
We are having a hard time already.
Then it only gets worse. You must see Jonas and Tobias be -
- alarmingly much better than you.
- Mark?
- Yes.
Which way are you looking, approximately?
- I'm looking into a big, white house.
- Perfect!
The most objects?
Now that's twenty things.
It's a good barrow, this one.
It's more physical than I had planned.
Ah, hell.
It seems too easy.
More things.
How pathetic.
No, this one stays put.
Time's up!
- How are you feeling?
- It was not worth it. I already have regrets.
Mark, thanks for a good task.
- You are welcome.
- It was easy.
Yeah, okay. The engine that turns the platform isn’t that strong.
Jonas chooses a tour through the basement,
but you directly place a potted plant in its way.
- How quickly do you get the idea?
- Well, it happens at lightning speed.
- Look up at the picture.
- Yes, yes.
There it is!
You win 20 minutes by blocking Mark's opportunity to spot you.
You are giving yourselves a carte blanche.
It looks like you're pretty laid back about it, -
- while Jonas knuckles down until
he meets his nemesis: A toolbox.
I didn't care for that piss. It became too much.
How many objects do they get smuggled
from the shed and into the igloo?
Quite a few, actually.
We can start with Tobias. He smuggled 1800 screws.
Awesome counting.
And then 123 other things. In all, it's 1923 things.
But! It is no lie that Jonas was even more thorough.
3245 things.
Oh, how glad I am that I didn’t bother with the toolbox.
Two participants smuggle a four-digit number of items.
Three participants smuggle a big fat zero.
I'll be getting a little harsh. Zero stuff. Zero points.
And a first and second place for the other two.
Which means Jonas has 10 out of 10 points.
We take on one task at a time and
are well halfway through the season.
Isn’t it a good time to count the points for the entire season?
Yes, very much so. It's a close race.
Am I far behind?
No, what an evil laugh.
Linda, you have been disqualified in almost every program.
Linda, we’ll of course get back to you,
but right now we're talking about the top.
- Do you want to see the points?
- Yes.
I do not understand your enthusiasm, Linda.
This is what it looks like
No!
I’m in the lead?
Why are we so inferior?
That's the way of North Jutlanders.
Always underplayed, always superior.
It's funny how we’ve joked around with "he’s so smart" -
- and "he understands the law".
It's Jonas who has a law degree.
It's not even a lie. I had forgotten about that.
Nice with a little status at the halfway mark.
I'm starting to get hungry ...
- What do you have on the menu?
- Now we've just seen the points.
Both when I want to celebrate and when I need a little comfort -
- there is one thing that always works, namely frying.
Hi, Mark le Feltration [field ration].
Oops!
It’s a breaded task?
Inside?
I'm still trying to shed those pregnancy kilos.
Do you know what I weighed when I was pregnant? 317 kilos.
Shut up, it's gross.
- "Bread something exclusive."
- "The most exclusive ..."
"The most exclusive item breaded wins."
- "You have eight weeks."
- "Time starts now."
Breading is an artform.
How much breading would it take to cover a body like yours?
Exclusive ...
What is exclusive really?
"Something that only includes the select few."
Do you know what is exclusive? Saint—Tropez.
Finding something exclusive and small would make it easier.
I could bread a car.
Exclusive is also something that is only one of.
- Sure.
- I have eight weeks.
- I'll think on it.
- Delicious.
- Damn awesome task.
- Good to hear, Sofie.
- Bye, bye.
- Bon appetite.
Most things get more delicious by being tossed in
breadcrumbs or panko and then a dip into the deep fryer.
So I look forward to seeing the exclusive things they have cooked.
Mark, who am I allowed to taste first?
Not Linda, but Linda's thing.
- It did not make it better, Mark.
- Pardon.
Have a look, sir.
And bon appetite.
Fine breading, I would say.
Let's see what we're dealing with here.
It is tough. It's a tough thing.
Whatever you do, do not put anything in your mouth.
It looks like autographs, Linda.
Are there autographs on the note?
It's the phone number of a shemale
I met at a bar in Thailand in 2011.
For me, it's exclusive. I was sitting at a bar in Hua Hin.
She makes this ... at me.
And I'm like ... what?
And then she comes over and says ... again.
I’m like, "What the fuck do you mean?"
She says "you are a very handsome man",
is what she says to me, and then ...
... I get very drunk.
I got drunk. She was terrible in bed, but I think -
- that it was an exclusive souvenir to bring today.
- Thanks for the meal, Linda.
- Yes please.
Mark, who delivers the next dish?
I had thought Tobias Rahim would do so.
- Here you go.
- Well, well ...
Wow.
Delicious.
Well, that ... okay.
There's some kind of beetroot colored stuffing in it.
It's a passport.
It is.
You're right that it's exclusive.
I read it as getting access where others do not have access.
That passport there ... it gives access to a hell of a lot of places.
You can use it to go to Thailand.
If I am to benefit from the passport,
I need to be able to pretend to be you -
- and it requires, I can tell, that I
keep the clothes on as a minimum.
Thank you very much.
Tobias could almost reach it without getting up.
Thanks for the meal.
- I'm not full yet.
- Good to hear.
Let's jump on to Sofie's breading.
- Bon appetite.
- Thank you.
And voila.
What's inside? It can be eaten. Can it be eaten?
Can you see what it is before you eat it? No ...
Have you breaded some ... breading?
No, you're eating it. Stop eating. Open your mouth.
- This ...
- Is it corona?
- What is it?
- That is ...
- It should be a pea.
- Has there been a pea in it?
- Yes, do you have any more in there?
- Yes, yes ...
I breaded a pea.
Why did you bread a pea?
Yes, why have I breaded a pea?
Well, because it is the only pea that
Stormester Lasse Rimmer has sat on.
Have I sat on a pea?
Can we bring in the evidence?
Next.
It explains why it tasted a little sour like my ass.
And we also determined that you are not a real princess.
Be careful saying so around town when you aren't.
Lasse, I would like to explain.
I've been through some stuff to make this pea joke.
I would say that I have as well with this one.
I think ...
It’s fine, but this is really hard.
My grandfather has traveled -
- from a small plain in Turkey and up through Yugoslavia ...
Please just shut up!
First, I wanted you to sleep on it, so I'm writing to your wife ...
Now you say wife.
... then you get a divorce -
- so she writes, "I can’t help anyway", which is fair.
Then I write to one of your colleagues,
but then you quit your job at the radio station.
So she writes, "Can't help anyway."
Then I had to get into the studio and just do things myself.
This solution is more reassuring than if you had
sneaked into my home and slipped it under the mattress.
So I’m content.
And it's exclusive. I have not sat on other peas.
When giving points, just remember that
I did not exhibit your personal failures.
I've had some of my own.
Mark, I had sworn I would not be full after a pea.
- But can I get another right?
- Yes. Simon Talbot.
What have you come up with?
Just take it up from the glass and
have it as a proper “hapser” [snack].
Hapser-schnappser.
- You should be able to drink it.
- It's something evil.
It's his kids or something.
It's a Kinder Surprise Egg with an alcoholic liqueur inside.
Yes, yes, yes ...
- Yes, yes ...
- Yes, yes ...
It’s because I've made my own whiskey.
And this is the very first batch of a
salted caramel moonshine whiskey ...
The first. As in before it is approved?
Yes, straight from the bathtub after I’ve laid down in it -
- and sweated out all the frikadeller.
Thank you.
Then you can drink up some courage to call your new lady.
I want two things. Later a taxi home.
But first I want the last breaded dish. Jonas Mogensen.
It smells good.
- Holy shit.
- Okay ...
Make sure it does not tip over.
There’s a little too much weight on it.
"Little"?
It's such really classy food.
- There’s some meat and herbs in it.
- Yes, it's great food.
- Should I eat it?
- You just dig into it.
- There's some cheese in it too.
- Yes, it's probably au gratin oysters.
- Is it?
- Yes.
- Did you bake it yourself?
- I breaded it myself.
It's a five-course meal from Pastis [French bistro in Copenhagen].
- Is each of them a dish?
- Yes.
I think it's oysters. And fried turbot in a lobster bisque.
Then it's some tatar.
And then there are veal briskets.
Lemon pie, une surprise.
And the surprise is some very delicious vanilla ice cream.
I won’t be finishing this serving. There’s simply too much.
Then offer Talbot some of it.
- May I ...?
- Just eat.
Thank you for the courses.
One should not make the most tasty, but the most exclusive.
Exclusivity is something that is hard to gain access to.
I know, after all, that even though it was delicious -
- then they are open most of the year.
Jonas, I'm giving you one point -
- because I could bread the same things myself.
That takes me to the cheeky number from Hua Hin.
I have the feeling that she has given it to several.
No. No. It was only me who, completely exclusive, got it.
You get two points.
It was a delicious mouthful, but I actually
have my own personal whiskey at home -
- which I have had a skilled Danish distillery deliver.
But you get three points, because it’s a limited edition.
Then we have the pea I was sitting on
and a passport that Tobias has obtained -
- because his father has traveled up through Europe.
Oh, there are not a lot of peas I have sat on.
But there are not many passports on stage, either.
Sofie gets four and Tobias five points.
I am full after all this breading, but still hungry for more tasks.
We are going to a task that is equally
unnatural and realistic at the same time.
It's a long entrance we get.
Hi, Mark le Færdigpakket. [pre-packed]
There is mail.
- Oh boy.
- It's one of the long ones.
- "Get a body part ..."
- "... to look unnaturally long."
"You have 20 minutes."
"Most realistic unnaturally long body part wins."
"Time starts now."
"Most realistic, unnaturally ..."
I should win straight away -
- because I probably have the longest natural body part.
Should I just toss it on the table?
It's going to be long.
I want a body part that looks realistic -
- but at the same time is unnaturally long.
It should be self-evident, what’s asked for.
- Yes.
- Where do we begin?
I think we start with Jonas Mogensen. I know you privately.
And I know you have a slightly above average coffee thirst.
- Coffee?
- Yes please.
- Just what I needed.
- Yes.
- There aren't a lot of breaks on set.
- And you know, I also have to record with all the others.
Fuck, man.
- You know how Linda can get ...
- Yes.
You didn’t hear it from me.
Notice how damn hot the coffee was.
That's a great solution.
I like that you support the realism -
- by trying to create a normal situation
with some smalltalk between recordings.
Good natural acting.
- It's cleverly solved.
- Well, now ... Yes, yes ...
What's up now?
Linda P., who has made it a tradition to use me -
- to solve things for her.
We were looking for realism, however, I want to emphasize.
So, Mark ... Now I've stretched your neck a little.
- Yes, I can confirm.
- Well. See you, Mark.
Bye Bye.
- Yes, it's a long neck.
- It should also be unnatural.
- Yes, it's unnaturally long.
- But that's also what it is.
- But is it realistic?
- I think it is.
There are three types of magic:
"I'll never figure that out", -
- "impressive, but I have an idea about the trick" -
- and "I think I know how she did it".
You belong in one of these categories.
Give me another attempt, Mark.
We're jumping to Simon Talbot. With our hairstyle -
- it can be difficult to assess where the forehead actually ends.
I sometimes suffer from migraines.
When I have a headache, I pop 18 Panodil.
Shut up, man. I once went to the barber ...
- Yes?
- Yes.
It cost 17,000 DKK.
I think damn my forehead itches a bit. Could you just ...?
So ...
- Simon! Simon! Are you okay?
- I can't talk anymore.
Mine looked more realistic than those two dickheads.
It was a "big brain solution".
You want me to think it looks realistic -
- that a man wears a bandana and bowler hat.
Have you seen Sydney Lee? [reality personage]
You can do whatever in this world.
Long arm, high neck, high skulls. What now?
Now it's Sofie who actually took lessons
at a very prestigious dance school.
Hi Lasse. Have you ever noticed how long my arm is?
Have you ever seen me do the electric boogie ...?
It just takes a few minutes.
- Impressive.
- Thanks.
I've never noticed how long your arm is, but I just noticed, -
- when I saw how long your arm is,
that it’s quite flat and thin in some places.
I cannot recognize that, offhand.
The blazer changes color quite a few times.
Mark, give me another bid.
It's Tobias. As you can sense in the picture -
- he takes care of that temple of a body.
- Is it suitable for everyone to watch?
- It was a cold day.
Watch out, Mark.
- Pardon.
- Don’t be so rough on it.
It's part of my body.
It's difficult to keep such a long nail.
- But I just feel like, “It's my body.”
- I think we’re done.
It's possible to make a nail look realistic -
- because it’s already made of ...
that nail material that nails are made of.
Quite realistic and also unrealistically long.
I'm ready to hand out points.
Long is good, but realistic counts too.
I did not buy the long neck. You get one point.
It's somewhat better when there’s a living hand on the table -
- but there’s something with the arm that I just don’t buy.
It winds in an annoying way, so you get two points.
Then there’s something with the balance and soft skulls.
Three points for Simon.
I give four points to Tobias and five to Jonas.
Update us. What does the overall position look like?
Jonas Mogensen is in the lead.
In the lead is a great place to be.
But will it hold up after the last task -
- which yet again takes place right here on stage?
Mark ...
All I'm looking forward to right now is the final task.
Who should read the task aloud?
They are in order of points.
Jonas, you have the most, so you are allowed to read the task.
"Choose your weapon."
Jonas, you're allowed to pick a weapon first.
Oh.
You just want to choose this one.
- But it entices, I think.
- What are you tempted by?
The drill or the sword damn it. Any lad would be.
I think I will go for the tape.
No, wait, it's not tape!
What is it?
- It's a fishing line.
- It's lace.
Tobias Rahim, it's your turn.
What are you leaning towards?
I have no problem choosing the cliché -
- when the cliché is as potent and beautiful as this sword.
I should have let one of you have it -
- but I'm not that fucking man, I'm the ...
I am that fucking man.
I'm taking this one.
"Choose" is a big word now, but ...
- “Süddeutsche Zeitung”
- Yes, good choice.
- Good choice!
- Like that, Linda. It's a good choice.
It’s strong stuff.
Five weapons have been chosen,
but if you think the task is over now -
- then you're right.
I care most for table tennis. Simon wins five points.
No no ...
- No, the task is ...
- Oh my god, he's back again.
The task is actually not over. Of course there's a second part.
That’s probably true. Moment!
It should be Christmas carol humming, Mark.
So ...
- Linda, do you want to read it?
- Yes please.
"Halve an edible object using your weapon."
- You were right.
- It's brilliant.
No, this is shit.
Okay, sorry.
- I'm complaining.
- Fuck!
"Most accurately halved item wins."
- The fishing line is ...
- And now we have to ...
- It is good.
- Linda, you have the fewest points.
- So you get to choose food first.
- I think I work best together with the eggplant.
Try to ...
- Which food do you choose?
- It probably hurts less.
Linda, please halve your food item.
- Are you sorry you do not have the newspaper?
- Just shut up already.
Now the “spelt cunt” needs to be quiet for two seconds.
- Fine.
- Yes Yes ...
Great.
- Yes please.
- Fine.
34 grams.
- 29 grams.
- Well then.
- Sofie.
- Yes!
No ... This one.
Do you think I'm an idiot, man?
Such.
Then we take the newspaper's strongest page.
Have you thought about how hard the bottom is?
Yes, yes ... The bottom is split.
- 335 grams.
- Aha.
Stop with those sounds, Sofie.
241 grams.
Well then!
The difference is 94 grams.
You are in second place so far.
You are a candidate for four points.
But we must move on.
Simon, what do you choose?
Yes, it's musty.
Okay, I just have to feel it.
It's what you blended that is put into a sausage.
Okay ...
And cortino.
Okay.
May I also be allowed to snack a little after?
I'll take it.
- 374 grams.
- Thank you.
- And 371 grams.
- No!
No, it's really bad.
And with a difference of a paltry three grams -
- Simon Talbot has put himself in the lead.
Tobias, let's see if you can do better.
You want that snapshot. Now cut to it, damn it.
I think ...
- You are done.
- Tobias has lost this one.
- What about these two?
- 693 grams.
- You cannot add two.
- No, only those from the table.
- What about them?
- He took them from the floor.
It's like in primary school. "I just want to be allowed to say ..."
- Yes, yes ...
- Okay.
28 grams.
It gives a difference of 665 grams between the two pieces.
- Well, Jonas ...
- Yes.
The eggplant and lace.
I do it that way.
Use that law degree now.
Then it was not such a waste of time anyway.
- Can you double it?
- Smart thinking.
- No, come on.
- I can not.
Then it wasn’t a help to be bookish anyway, huh?
No, really not, no!
- I can not.
- What the fuck.
- Well, you do not have ...
- My difference is less, anyway.
You have not halved it, you lump.
No, but the difference is still less than Tobias’.
How much does this half of the eggplant weigh?
- 325 grams.
- So the difference is ...?
Between 325 and zero grams, 325 grams!
That's enough for a fourth place finish.
Yeah, man!
A fourth place for Jonas Mogensen.
We take them from one end.
665 grams gives one point to Tobias Rahim.
Jonas' was 325 grams. It gives two points for a fourth place.
Third place was Sofie with 94 grams,
but also with a delicious pie to take home.
Just five grams was the case for Linda's pickled cucumber.
And then a measly three grams difference
and five points and a first place -
- to Simon Talbot.
Who won tonight's program, Mark le Fêvre?
The winner, and it can sound crazy when
he can’t even halve a vegetable, -
- is Jonas Mogensen.
The picture is yours.
From the emoji version to the real thing for Jonas Mogensen.
He became the winner this week.
I only have one addition.
Once a landscape gardener stuck me a shovel and let me dig -
- and I found a tiny piece of paper that said,
"Thank you for tonight."
Texts: Larsen & Knudsen
Danish Video Text