Still Game (2002–…): Season 9, Episode 1 - Local Hero - full transcript

This programme contains adult humour

# Zip-a-dee-doo-dah

# Zip-a-dee-ay

# My, oh, my...

♪ Oh, get out of the way. ♪

Behold.

Winston Ingram.

Craiglang's very own Ninja.

Hello, Winston.

Knew it was you without even
looking.

Old Spice, stale beer and stinking
socks. Your hallmark.



Bun.

Oh, ya wee bastard, ye!

Ma bag, ma bag!

Winston, help!
Isa's bag!

Isa's bag!

Get him, ya wan-legged,
pot-bellied, lazy wanker, ye!

What are you gonnae do, chase me?

MOCKING LAUGH

DIDGERIDOO MUSIC

Oh!

Shut it, tadger.

Ma hero!

Any time.

Oh!



Oh...

LIFT BELL DINGS

Ho!

Where the hell have you been?

What do you mean,
where the hell have I been?

I've been at the bookie's
putting on a line.

I always go to the bookie's
on a Wednesday.

Aye, aye, except it's Thursday.

Ohh!

And we go and we buy two
Beefy Bakes

on a Thursday out of
Henderson's and tan them

before we get to the Clansman. So as
not to annoy Boabby.

Because his pies
are pish. Correct.

So...

What?

Where's ma Beefy Bake?

Ach, I've ate them, Jack.
You weren't at the designated
meet point.

Well, all I know is, you've
designated ma Beefy Bake

doon your neck, you skinny
fat rat, you!

This is chaos.

We're gonnae have tae
communicate better.

Well, how about
we communicate like this?

Beep-beep-beep, beep-beep-beep.

You know what that is?

That's Morse code for "greedy
arsehole"!

LOW GROWLING

What are ye staring at?

Raw man.

All man.

You're just what Craiglang needs.

Oh, you've got me all going.
GROANS

Jesus. Well, gonnae get going
and gie me some space?

Oh, I've got a space for you.

Wrap that.

You're giving me the boak.

SHE GROANS

GROANING STOPS

Och no, Isa. You've bought
me plenty.

Ach, go on.

Just one more pint.

No, I'm half-cut already.

You don't have the money.
Oh, I've got the money, all
right!

Right here in this purse.

Thanks to you.

You're a hero! Like Batman!

Batman?

That's right. I'm Robbin'.

Oh, look who it is!

Thelma and Louise!

Aye, well, we'd be happy
to drive off the end o' a cliff

to get away fae your patter.

Two pints, prick!

There you are. Listen, there's
a bunch of weans outside
asking for you.

What for?

Well, they just said, "Could you
please send out Mr Ingram?"

What did you say?
I said, "Away hame and get
to your beds.

"You've got school in the
morning, you wee fannies."

Oddly, that didn't work,
so they're still there.

ALL CHEER

Can we get a selfie?

What?

You want me to take a photo of you?

No, you wi' us, you silly old
duffer.

Oi!
Hey, hey!

W-W-What do you want a
photo wi' me for?

Are you at the wind-up?

Naw. We seen what you done
to that bag-snatcher.

Took your leg off
and knocked that guy oot.

Actual legend.

Actual sick, man.

I filmed you fae o'er there. Look.

Oh, watch this, boys.

Oh, that boy's snatched ma bag.

Noo he's running away.

There's Winston taking his leg aff.

Gonnae wrap it, missus,
wi' the running commentary?

The video speaks for itself.

Aye.
Cheeky wee article.

JACK: Oh, ho, eh! Look at that.

Ho-ho, bull's-eye!

WINSTON: Shut it, tadger!

BOYS CHUCKLE

That is brilliant, Winston!
Aye, you're like Dirty Harry!

Aye, more like Manky Winston!

ALL LAUGH

So?

What? So what?

Can we get a selfie?

Eh, aye, I suppose so.

Right, are you wanting us in
it, then?

Naw. Yous are nobodies
and you'll be dead soon.

Oh, well, that's charming, in't it?

WINSTON: Right, here we go. We're
on.

Shut it, tadger.

SHUTTER CLICKS

RADIO JINGLE

Stay with me, Des Clarke,
as we're joined next

by Scotland's latest internet
sensation.

Des.
Oh! Hi, Winston. I'm Des.

Hello, son.
Great story, by the way.

Eh? Och, aye. Well, it's a simple
enough story, you know...

Oh, hold on. Save it. Have a seat.

Now, when we come out of this track
we're gonnae go live,

and I'll ask you about it then.
You've got about 20 seconds.

Oh, and no swearing. So
now's the time to get anything
out your system.

Can I get you a cup of tea or
coffee, Mr Ingram?

Eh, tea...you bastard.

Milk and a big shitey spoon o'
sugar in it.

Baws, fanny, arsehole.

CHEEKS VIBRATE

Right, son, that's me ready.

We are back and blessed indeed

to have a phenomenal internet
superstar in our company.

As of this morning,
the clip of Mr Winston Ingram

taking down a bag-snatcher
last week has been watched
by over 300,000 people.

So, how does it feel, Winston,
to go viral?

Eh?

I'm no' viral. I have a shower every
morning!

WINSTON CHUCKLES

Tough studio.
Tell us what happened.

Eh, och...

Quite simple, really.

I seen this bast...

..eh, fella running away wi'
my pal's handbag.

I didnae really think twice about
it. I just took him out wi' my leg.

Och, you've seen it.
Indeed we have.

And Scotland thanks you. You,
Winston, are a national hero.

Now, would you like to stick around

and take part
in our Pumping Pickle quiz?

What?

Shut it, tadger!

And Scotland does indeed love you.

Look at the phones, they're lighting
up here, Winston.

Let's go to the lines and speak to
Grant on line 1. Morning, Grant.

WINSTON: Hello, Grant.

That's us friends of the
famous now, in't it?

Aye, he'll be rubbing shoulders wi'
the Kardoshians

and her man that turned
into a woman.

Say hello tae ma friends,
Brad and George.

Formby?
Clooney!

Oh, aye.

Aye, the phone is king noo.

How d'you mean?
Well, everyone's got one.

Me. Isa. Winston. Tam. Boabby.

Even Meena's got one.

She only uses it to order
Chinese takeaway.

MEENA LAUGHS

TRANSLATION:

She likes prawns.

Aye. Well, I guess that makes
us a couple of yesterday's
men, doesn't it?

Aye, well, it's no' for us, that,
eh?

I'm quite happy being a
yesterday's man.

Yeah. Well, I'm no'.

Neither am I.

You can stick that right up
your cardigan. I mean, look at
us the other day, right?

I'm in the bookie's.
You're in the baker's.

Now, if we had a couple of
phones, we would not have
got in that fankle!

"Hello, there, Jack. I'm in the
baker's!"

"Oh, hello, Victor.
I'm in the bookie's!"

"Should you no' be here?"
"Yes, I should!

"So you stay where you are,
because I'm on ma way.

"Do not eat my Beefy Bake!"

MIMICS CRACKLING

"Sorry, Jack, you're breaking
up!"

ALL LAUGH

Two phones?

Two phones!
Hmm.

Are you wanting Android or
iPhone, 3G or 4G Wi-Fi?

I've got 16, 32, 64 GB.
And I can also do you 128,

but you're only going to need
that if you're storing, like,

a lot of music and videos and
stuff. Are ye gonnae use them
for streaming?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Are you just wanting to
talk to each other?

Aye, son.

Hold on.

Here, you got two o' them
Pay As You Goes?

MAN: Which one?

Ach, any one.
They're two daft old bastards.

There you are.

Two Pay As Ye Go phones.
20 quid each.

Well, welcome to the future!

Pure Jetsons!

BOTH MIMIC JETSONS' SPACESHIP

Ah, The Jetsons...

Hot dog, son.

LAUGHS

What are you laughing at?
It's you. You crack me up.

What, for asking for a hot dog?

Tell me what is funny
about these three words -

hot dog, son?

See what I mean?

You wanting ketchup?
Aye.

Mustard?
Aye!

You want onions?

Is this your first day?
Of course I want onions.

Please. Gie us the line.

Shut it, tadger.

LAUGHS

Thanking you. Right, how much?

For you, nothing.

Eh?
You're a star, man.

A legend.

A leg-end.

LAUGHS

There he is, the man of the hour!

Enjoying the spoils of
contemporary fame that only
the internet could bring.

Eh?

A complete stranger
bestows a gift upon you

in exchange for the privilege
of basking in your glow

for the briefest of moments.

What are you on about?

Observe.

Mate, can I trouble you
for a gratis hot dog sandwich?

Absolutely not, junkie.

There it is.

Oh, aye.

Aye, I see what you mean, son. Aye.

Cheers.

What's your next move?

There's a young boy, works in
Henderson's the bakers,

always on his phone.

I think I'll get a sausage roll
out of him.

Winston, if there's anything I know
about digital fame, it's fleeting.

Do you think Elvis played hayrides
and hoedowns all his days?

Naw.

Mr Tom Parker took him to Vegas.

And if you're enjoying
this amount of fame,

and that mustard on your
cardigan tells me that you are,

then you need to grow it.

Nurture it.

Keep it fresh.

LAUGHS

How would I do that?
Follow me.

KLAXON-LIKE RINGTONE

Ooh! Ya bastard.

Jack Jarvis Esquire.

To whom am I speaking?
It's your old pal Victor
McDade

calling you from my mobile device.

Oh, smashing.

Are you in?

Yes, I am.

And the door is on the latch,
so enter at your leisure.

Entering the apartment now, over.

Ho-ho, I thoroughly enjoyed that!

Aye. These are great, aren't they?

But listen, I'm no' keen
on my phone when it rings.

Oh, you mean your ringtone?

Aye. I don't like it.

It sounds like the Titanic
just before it sank.

You can change that.

Can you? What have you got?

Call me.

FUNKY MUSICAL RINGTONE

I like that.

Aye, aye, it's a good fit for me,
you know. Suggests a man of action.

Mystery. Intrigue.

Well, I'll have that as well, then.

Aye. Naw.

How not?

Och, we cannae have the same
ringtone, Jack. That's shite.

The ringtone's an individual thing.

It should say something
unique about you!

Well, I want mines to uniquely
say, "Hello, ladies.

"I'm a widower, and therefore
available for dinner or
perhaps a little more."

Do you know what the perfect
ringtone for that is, Jack?

What?

KLAXON-LIKE RINGTONE

Oh, you bastard.

Are yous in?

Oh, yous need to come and see this!

Oh. Oh, look, it's Winston.

Hello, Winston!

For God's sake, Jack,
it's no' a phone link,

it's an uploaded video.

It's an uploaded video, you daftie.

MICK: What are you doing, Winston?

The Winston combo roll.

The breakfast of champions.

MICK: That looks bogging.

You live under a bridge!
That's bogging!

Anyway, shut up and get in!

It's me they're tuning in to see.

Now, a lot of people
have been contacting me,

tweeting me and FaceChatting me

and certain things like that,

to see how I keep my
strength up. And here it is.

Come in, you eejit,
come in, closer to the pan.

MICK: There's too much oil in there.

What would you know about cooking?
Apart fae cooking wi' a spoon?

BOTH LAUGH

Right, back to the pan. Now,
here we go.

You take your flat sausage
and you stick it there.

Always flat, mind,

because if you use links
they roll off the roll.

So, you put your flat sausage
on the tattie-scone bed

and then finally...

..you top it with a fried egg.

A wee bit o' white pepper and
the secret ingredient, Tabasco.

That looks absolutely delicious.

Right, here we go.

MICK LAUGHS

Shut it, you. Get me a towel.

MICK LAUGHS

Right. And what?

Well, that's just Winston
doing what he normally does.

I mean, who's interested in
watching that?

Who's interested? Everybody.

He only put that up this morning.

That'll go up to a million, that.

What's that there? Click that.

There you go.

MUSIC
Oh, dear.

Oh, my God!
Get that off my computer!

You'll have the polis at my door!

Right, that one.

Wait a minute.
Click it, click it!

I can still see it!
What did you click?!

"Like".

Oh, my God.

A million views.

For bursting an egg?

A million-and-a-half, and rising.

That's your problem wi' the
modern world. You can get
famous for doing nothing.

See, in the old days,
you had to have talent.

You had to do everything.

Your Forsyths, your Basseys,

your Pasquales.

He just had the daft voice.

That's more than Winston's got.

Aye, well, anyroads...

We want some of that
and we're going to do it better.

What are you two daft old buggers
gonnae dae wi' phones?

Call each other a hearse?

How many contacts do you have?

Eh...

Let me see noo.

Code.

Contacts. Contacts, contacts.

One.

Let me guess. Jack?

Aye.

And would your secret
passcode be 1234?

Naw.

FUNKY MUSICAL RINGTONE

Excuse me.

Oh, who could it be?

Hello, Jack. How are you, my friend?

Good.

Are you, aye? Good for you.

What are you wanting?

Pint of lager for Jack, please,
Boabby.

These are bloody brilliant.

You can still talk even when
you're doing a pish!

Here, Jack, how many contacts
do you have?

Oh, right. Eh...

CHUCKLES

Eh...eh...one.

Aye, you should have went to Toys R
Us and got yourselves

a pair of weans' walkie-talkies, you
couple of wallopers.

Boys, are yous wanting to add me

to your contacts?
BOTH: Sure!

Are yous wanting my contact
details, boys?

BOTH: Naw.

Right, I've sent my number
to both of your numbers.

PHONES CHIME

How do you know our numbers?

How did I know your numbers?

ISA CHUCKLES

See? There you are, Boabby.

We'll build up our contacts,

especially when we go virile.

Viral, Jack.

What did I say?
Virile.

Aye, you've not got
whatever Winston's got.

Shut your hole. We've got it in
spades. How hard can it be?

My favourite one of them
is when the wee boy bites the other

- wee boy's finger.
- Aye.

Oh, no, no, I like the newsreader
boy

when his family all burst in
behind him.

This is my favourite.

Cliff diver.

Misses the water completely.

CRUNCH

BOTH: Ohh!

Oh, ye sick bastard!
Why would you watch that?

Cos it's funny.

Look at him.

He's just mush!

Eight million views!

Right, that's what we'll do, then.

I'll get Victor to film me stepping
out in front of an 89 bus

and getting splattered.

I mean, who would watch that?

Me, eight million times.

Here he is! Scotland's Angry
Grandpa!

Aye, that's what they're
calling you!

Aye, that's ma gimmick, boys.

BOABBY: Goldie?

Certainly not.

Mineral water.

Got to watch the weight.

- Camera adds 20lb.
- Mineral water, eh?

Listen to this one.
He's went all Hollywood!

You'll be forgetting your pals next.

Eh...

- Tam, isn't it?
- "Isn't it"?!

I'm only winding you up.
It's good to see ye.

Aye.

WINSTON CHUCKLES

- W-W-What's this?
- Eh?

I've no' got malaria.

Oh, I know, I know,

but the thing is, you see, I've been
shaking that many paws,

you know, you've got to be safe.

I mean, you just don't know what's
out there.

I'll tell you this,
you think you're a big shot.

- There's no money in it.
- Is there no'?

Opened that new bingo hall on Carson
Street this morning.

500 quid.

Cash in hand.

Let's face it, boys.

You're analogue...and I'm digital.

Winston.
What?

Can we add you as a contact?

Shut it, tadgers!

How do we even get this up
onto the World Wide Web?

It's called top-loading.

We don't need to worry about
that. Isa's going to help us

by top-loading it into the
clouds, or something.

Are we...we ready?

Ready, let's do this.

What are you doing, old pal?

Just feeding the ducks.

Hey, hey, classic.

Sick.

Oh, there's the wind blew my
bunnet off.

That's embarrassing. I hope you
weren't filming that.

BOTH LAUGH

Right, we're done.

CHUCKLES

Gold.
Oh, aye.

KNOCK ON DOOR

TV: ..Race today we've got eight
runners and it's the 17.45.

KNOCKING CONTINUES

This better be good.

We need to make a new video.

Not good enough.

BANGING ON DOOR

SIGHS

Don't do a PSY.

I'm sighing because I need to watch
my race.

There's a special horse in it.

Naw. Don't do a PSY -

the South Korean overnight
sensation.

See if I knew
what you were talking about,

I'd be interested, but I'm no'.

See PSY?

See PSY?

Aye, see PSY?

See PSY, see PSY by the seashore.

Why are you still on my doorstep?

PSY had it all. Mad wee dance.

Gangnam Style.

Wee lasso.

The whole world loved it.

PSY's big boss is like that.
"What's next?"

PSY's like that...

"..Is this no' enough?"

PSY's boss is like that. "Naw."

PSY's like that. Raging.

Next thing you know,
he's...he's binned.

Like a pumpkin on November 1st!

LAUGHS

Right. I caught PSY and something
about a pumpkin.

Now, my horse is running,
and I need to see it!

What I'm saying is,
don't be a cautionary tale.

A one-hit wonder.

You'll need to come up with
something better than,

"Shut it, tadger."

TV: ..and it's Shut It, Tadger
by a length

from Jacamo Sprint in second and Old
Dumbarton in third.

I had a tenner on my Tadger.

ISA: It's a hit.

Oh, yes, eh?

We're a hit!

Naw. You've got one hit.

And that was me checking I've
uploaded it properly.

Oh, well, we're humped.

Hold on, Jack.

If you throw one dart and miss the
board, what does that tell you?

Well, it means that you're
shite at darts.

Naw! You throw another.

Then another.

Then another one after that. And you
keep throwing them until...

You have to take the dartboard down
and re-paper the wall

cos it's full o' wee holes.

MUSIC: Fame And Fortune
by Elvis Presley

# Fame and fortune

# How empty they can be

# But when I hold you in my arms

# That's a heaven to me

# Who cares for fame and fortune?

# They're only passing things

# But the touch of your lips on mine

♪ Fame and fortune... ♪

ISA: Ice bucket challenge.

Wee bit passe, boys.

Time to chuck the darts.

Neither of you is a Jocky Wilson.

Hello, boys.

Here, do you want me to do the line?

Aye, go well!

Shut it, tadger.

BOYS LAUGH SOFTLY

We were actually watching this guy.

He's fae Paisley.

He's brilliant, that old duffer,
in't he, man?

That's the ticket!
BOYS LAUGH

- Funny, in't he?
- Are you the Angry Grandpa?

Yes, I am. Shut it, tadger.
Pleased to meet you.

Oh, right.

Would you mind coming to the opening
of the community centre tonight,

saying a few words?
We don't have much money.

Eh, probably 200?

200 is fine.

Great, see you later.

Did yous hear that, eh?

£200.

That's the ticket!

WINSTON CHUCKLES

What are we celebrating?

Getting out of the fame game.

Face it, Jack. Boabby was right.

Winston has got something
that we don't.

Winston's got talent.

Cheers, you tomato-faced X Factor
bastard, you.

Phones out.
Aye.

PHONE DIALS

PHONE RINGS

Look what I've dug oot.
CHUCKLES

Oh, is that the old wedding
album? It is, aye.

C'mon, we'll gie ourselves
a wee laugh, eh?

Cheer ourselves up. Aye.

CHUCKLES

Eh, huh?

Look at the colour o' my hair
there, eh?

Look at the lassies.

I miss my Jean, you know.

TEARFULLY: I miss my Betty.

SOBS

BOTH SOB

SOBBING CONTINUES

Those poor men.

I need to share this.

CHATTER

Eh, ladies and gentlemen,
a bit of quiet, please.

A bit of hush. Thank you.

Uh...

Here he is,

to open our newly refurbished
community centre,

the one and only

Scotland's Angry Grandpa!

Hey-hey-hey!

How are yous?

It's good to be here!

Stinking!

Shut it, tadger...?

That's ancient patter!

My da's into that shite!

Eh... Eh...

That's the ticket!

- Naw!
- Patter thief!

Patter blagger, ye old shagger!

ELECTRONIC SPEECH: Get off of the
stage, you fat bastard!

This boy's got no new patter!

Why are we even here?

Wait a minute, eh, I've got it!

I've got it. Eh, everybody
shush the now.

Eh...

Clock these scissors, they're
no' blunt.

It's not "shut it, tadger",

it's "shut up..."

BANG!

How...?

Victor.

Victor.

Victor.

GASPS

Oh, my heid.

I thought you were away there.

SIGHS

Probable cause of death - sesh.

LAUGHS

FUNKY MUSICAL RINGTONE
Oh.

Hello.

No, I'm not interested. Goodbye.

SIGHS

Who's phoning you?

CNN.

That's you, boys. You've made it.

Ten million hits.

BOTH SOB

BOTH WAIL

MUSIC: Gangnam Style
by PSY

Oompa loompa Craiglang style!

Are we done?

We are most definitely done.