Still Game (2002–…): Season 8, Episode 1 - Fly Fishing - full transcript

Come on. One of yous.

Two weeks, eh? Three, tops.

For the last time, Winston, no!
Come on!

The place the council are putting me
in is a toilet.

I told them. I said, "I'm no'
bothered about asbestos.

"I used to have it in my pieces
when I worked in the shipyards,"

but the council are like that,
"Naw, oot!"

Too old for a flatmate, Winston.
It's a non starter.

I could tolerate you for...an hour.

Oh, thanks.

Victor's right, Winston.



Let me paint you a picture.

Me in my jammies eating a nice
bowl of cornflakes.

Yum-yum, munchy-munchy.

You - "Oh, I'm just going to slip
this leg off.

"Let the air get round about
my stinking stump."

Me - "Bleurgh!"

Cornflakes doon the nose
and up the wall.

It's a bad picture.

And it's a picture we are
not about to paint.

Right! Who wants a drink?

Are you buying, like? No.

Then why are you asking,
does anybody want a drink, then?

Because this is a bar...

..no' a care home.



That's a pity, Boabby,

because I was toying with
the idea of shiting myself

and getting you to wipe my arsehole.

Like a big, daft nurse!

Are yous wanting a drink, or whit?

If we want a drink,
we'll pull the cord.

Ting-ting!

Nurse! Oh, and could you

pour the drink into my mouth for me,

because I'm too feeble
to lift the tumbler.

Haud on, Nurse, I'm needing a pish!

Oh, forget it. It's too late.

Ordinarily, I might have
sniggered at that patter,

but then I look at my till.

16 lousy quid, and I've been in here
since the crack of dawn.

It doesn't even cover the leccy
on that puggie.

BEEPING

ALL LAUGH

COINS JANGLE

16 quid, tae! It's almost poetic.

Even the puggie gods are taking
the piss out of you, Boabby.

Hello, Navid. Oh! Isa.

Is that you back frae the
cash-and-carry?

It is, aye.

Do you want a hand emptying the van?

No, thank you. No.

No, course you don't, eh?

Something in there you don't want me
to see?

No. Open it up, then.

It's open. Have a look yourself.

SHE CHUCKLES

HE SIGHS

DOOR CLOSES

It's just full of sweeties,
tea bags and bog rolls.

Aye. I think I know what this is
about.

How do you mean? It's about your
birthday on Saturday, isn't it?

Maybe.

72.

It's no biggie.

Do you know what I got for my
72th? What?

"Hee" wrapped in "haw."

But now you're wanting to find out
if I'm throwing you

a surprise party. Naw.

Naw!

Aye! Are you?

No.

Isa, when was the last time you had
a surprise party?

Eh...

I've never had one.

Because you are impossible to
surprise

on account of your
nosy-bastard-ness.

Anybody who has ever tried
has failed.

You are chemically intolerant
to surprise.

You see, a surprise party brings
pleasure

to both the giver and the receiver.

But you cannae have that.

You have to know what is going on.

It's a tragedy...

..of Greek proportions.

Naw. Haud on noo.

I did have a surprise party.

My 65th.

You organised it!

DOOR CLOSES

KEYS CLATTER

ALL: Surprise!

My, what a lovely surprise.

Where's my drink?

POPPER BANGS

I cannae help myself.

I weep for you, Isa.

To live one's life without
surprise...

Maserati Quattroporte.

3-litre, twin turbo, V6.

Approaching from Kinellar Drive.
Yeah.

CAR ENGINE ROARS

CAR DRAWS UP OUTSIDE

CAR DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

THEY CHUCKLE

Oh, Derek Fry.

You know him, like? Aye.

Wanker.

Went to school wi' him.

Was it a school specifically
for wankers?

Wanker High?!

Oh, he's coming in, Boabby.

Aye, nae doubt.

Every time he gets a new motor,
he's just "passing by."

Hello, Derek. Just passing,
were you?

Indeed, Roberto, my man.
Just picking up my new wheels.

Hmm. Still got that place
in the town? Aye.

Big Fry'n'Macs.
Hand over fist, Boabby. Mental.

I see you're still
in the funeral business.

HE LAUGHS

That's a good one, Derek.

Aye.

This place is actually doing
no' bad.

Boabby, I've been a wee bit
unwell in my troosers.

You might want to take a damp cloth
to that stool, an' all.

BLARING RINGTONE

Hello? I'm in Craiglang.
Just popped in to see an old pal.

Hey?

Aye, it's like a graveyard.

The walking dead, aye.

I'll sort that out on the way
back to the shop.

Just order another 200.

Got to dash, Boabby.
I'll see you soon.

Who was that walloper?

Oh, he's a smart walloper.
Huh! A smart walloper.

Wee walloper wi' a shirt and tie on.

Round his wee neck,
wee blazer on it.

"Look at me, I'm a smart wee
walloper."

What's so smart about him?

He's got the Midas touch.

Bought this manky old boozer
in Finnieston, turned it round.

Now he charges eight-and-a-hauf
quid a burger,

and all the West End wankers
are queuing up to pay it.

"Hoo-hoo! There's gold in them there
West End wankers!"

Eight-and-a-half quid for a burger?

THEY LAUGH

ENGINE RUNNING

Derek! Mate!

Could I hook up with you tomorrow
and pick your brains?

Ah! Eric. Just the very fella.

Naw! Oh, come on!

You wouldn't see an old pal
homeless. I would, aye.

You've seen my flat. There's no'
enough room to swing a cat...

..which you did one night pished.
Wee mitten still isnae right.

Their tongues aren't meant to stick
out like that all the time.

Aye. Sorry.

So, there's nae room at the inn,
then?

That's right, Joseph. You'll need to
find a stable somewhere else.

Just this, Navid.

Oh! "Happy birthday".
Who could that be for?

You! I tell you what.
Do you know what to do?

You take that card
and you fill it out yourself.

Put something nice in it, mind,
cos I'm fresh out of nice.

Oh, naw. Naw, wait and gie it to us
on Saturday.

What's happening on Saturday?

Eh...what is happening
on Saturday, eh?

Hee-hee!

# It's a wee mystery! #

I'll be pullin' ma plug to the
women's tennis on Saturday.

You're more than welcome
to join me, if you like.

Hey! I tried to throw you a party.

Right, as soon as she comes
through that door,

everybody, "Happy birthday, Isa."

Aye, happy birthday, Isa.
Happy birthday, Isa.

Happy birthday, Isa.

ISA: Happy birthday, Isa.
Hee-hee-hee!

Isa, you bastard.
Put that light up.

ALL MURMUR

What's happened to you?

State of the place.

It's all changed.

All changed to buggery.

4.50. That's no' a pint.

That's for a bottle or a wee,
daft hauf.

Tablecloths, and people
I don't know!

The food? The food?

West End garbage.

Roasted pine nuts.

A thing they call rocket.

Couscous, by Christ!

Stop. Breathe. You're OK.

Oot the road.

Don't go in there.

It's mad.

I mean, what even is pulled pork?

It sounds like a porno movie.

What's wrong with a slice o' gammon?

Nothing.

That's what's wrong with it.

Nothing!

Oh, look who it is.

And here we go.

Jack and Victor.

What can I get yous?

Nae burn?

Are yous here to pay your final
respects to the Clansman?

You're too late.

GENTLE CONVERSATION

Two pints of lager, Boabby, please.

No, we don't do pints any more.

Only bottles. A fine selection.

There's a couple of menus.
The specials are on the board.

That's Thai lemon grass soup,
aubergine frittata

and roast duck and pilau rice.

BOTH: What?!

Nae pies? We dae a pie, aye.

It's Edam and asparagus
with rosemary.

See that frottata...

..and your aubergine...

..and the soup with
the grass in it,

tell Rosemary to stick it
right up her arse.

Rosemary's no' the cook.

It's a herb.

Well, maybe you never herb us.
Two pints!

I've already telt you.

We don't do pints any more.

We do bottles of beer and nice food.

We are trying to attract a better
class of clientele.

And yous aren't it.

So we've to stand here like a couple
of hairdressers,

drinking bottled beer
and eating manky pies?

Right, sling your hook.

To where? I don't know.

Park Mill. Aye.

Decades of patronage, huh,
and this is what we get!

Swept oot the door!
Highland Clearances.

Turfed oot!

Come on, boys, it was long overdue.

Don't be like that.

Take a couple of bottles of beer.

Nae hard feelings, huh?

Fine.

Nine quid.

BOTH: What?!

Nine quid?

Nine quid, you robbing bastard.

Do you get your hole
included in the price, as well?

Right, oot!

You should be wearing a mask and a
stripy jersey,

you arsehole highwayman!

Sorry.

Ah, hello, Peggy. Flump?

Who are you calling a flump?

No, I'm saying, "Do you want
a flump?" Oh. Aye.

They're horrible.

No' very flumpy, are they?

Aye, well, they wouldn't be.

Three years they've been sitting
there with the lid off them.

I'm trying to free up the space.

This is prime sweetie real estate.
See this area here?

In sweetie land, this is Mayfair.

So, help us out, take them all.

No, you're all right.

Listen, you've no' got such
a thing as party hats, have you?

Party hats? Par... Aye, I do!

So, who's having a party?

Just a kids' party
at the community centre.

Boabby's lost the plot.

End of days.

Bar-mageddon.

Winston, I heard about you have to
be out your flat.

Hmm. I just wanted you to know

there's always a place
for you at mine.

Really? Are you serious?

35 quid a night.

For that, you get your breakfast.
Uncooked. Frosties, or some such.

And, for a supplementary three quid,
you'll get an electric blanket.

As long as you pay
part of the electric bill.

Away you go, you rat bastard.

So, it's came to this, eh?

Well, beggars cannae be choosers.

Listen, I'm not advocating
a return to the Clansman.

That ship has sailed.

Are you sure about this place?

Look, we're four seasoned men.

We've seen our fair share
of the rough stuff.

How bad can it be, eh?

We could always go in for one!

DRILLING

CHUCKLES
Shug, you are the man!

You've done me a right turn here.
Aye.

20 years in the special services.
Never leaves you.

SWITCH CLICKS

Och!

Nae power.
Nae worries. I'll fix that.

And I'll get a wee heater for you,
and all.

Eh? Magic!

None of that!

Are you wanting busted? Eh?

Oh, aye! Aye. Soft feet from now on.

Right.

Well, soft foot, anyway.

This is very kind of you, Isa.
You're more than welcome, boys.

Feels like we're homeless, you know?

Turfed oot our own pub.
Ach, well.

You're always welcome here.
More peas?

Oh, aye. Aye. Lovely.

There you are, Victor.

You know me,
I always make more than I need.

Here, I was watching
a film the other night,

Medieval. Oh, smashing.

The Queen was waiting for news,

and the knight turned up on his
horse and told her

everything she needed to know.

About what?

Peggy McAlpine!

So the knight in this medieval film
was telling the Queen

about Peggy McAlpine?

Naw!

I need to know about Peggy McAlpine.

She was in Navid's buying party hats
and the like.

Is this about your birthday?

Uh-huh. And whether or not anybody's
going to throw you a surprise?

Yes, indeed.

Let me say this right now, Isa.

As good as that steak pie was,
it's no' happening.

We've all tried before
and we've all been found out.

You'll remember
when Eric was tasked with this,

and you held his head underneath the
boating pond until he coughed up

the truth, and four baggy minnies,
and also a used johnny bag.

Of course I mind it.

I went a wee bit over the top there,
I'll grant you.

It's not worth it to anybody.

You know I don't dae surprises.

So I'm gonnae ask yous...
one more time...

What's with the Stasi pish?

This is a bridge too far.

You've broken and entered into
Boabby's flat.

This isnae Boabby's flat.

Naebody's lived in this flat
for about 30 year.

I see the last tenant was a bird.

Stick a couple of totties
and an onion round that,

you'd be sorted. Shut up.

A couple of days.
He's none the wiser.

Then I'll be back in my ain hoose.

Look at us,
the lost boys with nowhere to go.

I'm just glad to be away frae Isa's.

That's what it must have
been like in Guantanamo.

That slap she gave me
would have made Marvin Hagler weep.

KNOCKING ON WINDOW

Hey-ho.

What's the caper here?
What's the matter with your face?

Eh? Oh, we were just over at Isa's
for some steak pie and a beating.

Hey?

She's convinced that one of us
is throwing her a surprise party

and she's on the warpath
to find out about it.

Either of you organised something?

BOTH: No! Good. Well, stay out
her road, then.

Right, who's wanting a beer?

Aye.

You all right, team? Shug!

I bring fire.

Have you ever noticed that a tin of
beer is the ugly sister

to the pub-poured pint?

Hmm. Or the optic-dispensed dram.
Correct.

But my question is, why is that?

Oh, I can tell you why that is, aye.

See, the pub is the hub.
I go in, and they're like,

"Hey, there, Jack.
You're looking good, baby."

And I'm like, "Well, thanks," you
know? You've got to make an effort.

"Hi, Des. How are you doing, Tony?"

Who the hell's Des and Tony? Well,
you'll need to roll with me on that.

What I'm saying is, the pub,

it's where it's at, man, you know
what I mean?

It's like that comedy programme,
Cheers -

the place where everybody
knows your name...

..is Jack.

It's great to walk in and see all
the old familiar faces.

Aye, and tap one of them for a 20.

Aye, you cannae beat
a pint out the pub.

Boabby stitched us up.

He's took our only pleasure off us.

Ssh! Ssh!

The shutter is down.

Boabby has left the building.

Shug, let Operation Eskimo commence.

DRILLING

There, look.

Come on, Shug.

That you got a bite? Aye.

And it's a whopper, Jack!

There it is, there it is!

THEY CHEER

You beauty!

LAUGHTER

Isa?

Yes, Navid?

Happy birthday.

Aw.

TRANSLATION:

You ate all the good ones,
you greedy bastard!

Here, why don't you keep that
and gie me it tonight?

Tonight? Aye. At the party!

Still with this?
Get off that track, Isa.

There is a disappointment train
coming head-on

in the opposite direction
and it's no' slowing down.

Aye, well, very convincing
performance, Navid.

You should be an actor on the telly.

Oh, there's Peggy McAlpine there.

Oh, and she's got a cake box.
Oh, my.

Look at you, Isa.
Now you're sweating.

I'm sweating cos I'm mopping.

What's Peggy McAlpine up tae?

I'm no' bothering what
Peggy McAlpine's up tae.

See, it is you who's the
great actor.

Right now, your mind is racing like
Red Rum,

sweat running down the crack of your
arse.

SHE TUTS, HE CHUCKLES

SCARY VOICE: What is the name on the
cake?

DOOR BUZZER

Alec. Bernie.

Have yous been at this all night?

Aye. With a couple of hours' sleep.

Ew! Is that your scants there?

Aye. I only brought the one pair.

I took them through
and rinsed them in the sink.

Oh, what the hell's this?

This is a second hole.

Oh, come on, you've no' dug a second
hole?

Well, you know what it's like once
you've fished a few halves -

you get...peckish.

Aye. A wee bit nibbly, you know?

See, under this hole is where the
crisps are.

Yous are taking a bloody liberty.
He's the one taking the liberty.

Years we've been putting
money into that bastard's till.

Aye.

And then bang, pfft, no longer
welcome.

Right, what flavour of crisps do you
want?

Where do you want the hats, Peggy?

Just put one beside every plate,
Sandra, darling.

Right you are.

Oh, the cake!

CLATTER

Isa!

You need help, hen.

Do I?

Nice cake box.

Thanks.

Can I see the cake? Naw.

I need to see the cake.
No, you don't!

I want to see that bastard cake!

I telt yae, naw! You're sick.

"Happy birthday...

"..Andrew"?

CHATTER

DOOR CLOSES

Hey, wake up!

Wake up.

He's about to go down the cellar.

This is our perfect opportunity.

Tam, take the line.

Come on, Tam.

No, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Is this no' a bit risky here?

SLURRED: Fishing's a sport.

It's too easy to dae it
when the shop's shut.

Here, but imagine getting a catch
when the gamekeeper's there, eh?

This... This is what Hemingway
would do. Hemingway.

Big game fishing.

Big game fishing!
Right, that's him down the cellar.

Right, come to Papa.

Tequila all right, aye?

No' tequila.
Tequila makes you dae daft things.

That's fair enough.

Bacardi it is, then.

Ssh-ssh-ssh.

Ssh-ssh... There you go.
There you go.

Come on, sweetheart. Come on.

That's him.

Come on, come on. Easy. Easy.

Shut up, shut up. He's got it!

Hey!

Right, get us one of them expensive
cheesy-burgers that he does as well.

Get us a plate of them curly fries
an' all.

For a fiver! Five quid!

LAUGHTER

ISA SIGHS

I feel like such an idiot.

Och, don't beat yourself up.

Och, I know, but wee Andrew's face
when he saw his destroyed cake.

Och, he'll survive.
He's a spoilt wee bastard.

So what are you up to the night?

Well, Navid got me a box of
chocolates.

I'll probably just go up the road,

watch some celebrity pish
and wire into the lot.

Come on, Isa.
I'll treat you to a wee sherry.

Oh? Aye.

HE SNORES

Here.

You know Boabby's got
a bottle of malt down there?

It's his pride and joy.

Aye, the McCrennan. McCrennan.

25 years old.

Mm-hm.

Unopened.

It was presented to him
by the brewery at some fancy do.

Aye.

I've said to him tons of times,
I've said,

"Boabby, when are you going to open
that thing?"

You know what he says to me?

He says to me, "I'm saving it for a
special occasion...

"..like the night you die."

THEY GROAN

He's always at that patter.

Here, I know.

Why don't we get that amber nectar
fished out of that hole?

And then we'll get it scuttled, eh?

LAUGHTER

Back we go.

Down we go. Watch he doesnae see.
Ssh, quiet.

Be quiet. Boabby's there.

Oh, we've got it!

CHEERING
Oh!

ALL TALK AT ONCE

BOTTLE CLUNKS, BOABBY GROANS

What's going on, boys?

We think we've killed Boabby.

Eh?

Oh, my!

Boabby!

Boabby, son!

Isa...

You're early.

Happy birthday.

SURPRISED CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

Boabby, well done, son.
How did you manage all this?

I was sorry about the covert
operation,

but I had to keep yous in the dark,
boys,

otherwise Isa would have got it out
you.

So, what happened to the fancy-pants
pub and the bottles of beer

and all the razzamatazz?

That was all bullshit.

I'd to keep yous lot oot
here for a couple of days to set up.

Oh, Boabby, the bother you've went
tae.

I hadn't the first idea.

Surprised?

Aye.

Ooh, you got me a belter!

CHEERING

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday, dear Isa

# Happy birthday to you! #

HE GROANS AND SIGHS

Right, scants.

That looks delicious, that. Oh,
will you look at this spread here!

Pakora and prawns, sandwiches.

Argh!
THUD!

And you've got wee chipolatas tae!

Help!

Help!

Help...

Everybody's talking about you,
Boabby.

You did the impossible.

You expertly displayed
your prodigiousness.

Thanks.

And all it cost you was a tooth.

Aye, that and about ten bottles
of spirits to the angling club.

Fly bastards.

Which dentist did you use?

Same guy you went to.