Still Game (2002–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Brief - full transcript
Victor feels the need to get away from it all and when he hears that Danny's wife is selling Danny's old car, he jumps at the chance to buy it, even though it involves having to outbid Manky Frankie and, at the end of the day, is not quite the bargain he had hoped that it would be.
Is that you?
Aye, that's me.
Is that you? Eh?
Give me one more minute, Jack.
Right, my darling, I'll give John a wee call this week
to see how he's doing.
I meant to say to ya - me and Jack are
away to see about a motor [Car] this afternoon.
I know!
Can you believe that? After all these years,
I might be getting back on the road!
Anyway... Be up to see you again
the first of next month.
Eh?
I love you too.
You're a creepy bastard!
How?
Talking to Betty like that
as if she was still alive.
What's wrang with that? You're
the creepy bastard! How's that?
Standing there, silent, all remourseful,
"Oh, look at me mourning!"
It's better than talking
to the bloody dead, isn't it?!
Its not just that; you Leave a wee gap as if she'll
answer, as if she's still here!
She is still here - in my heart.
Birthday card pish!
Ignore him, my sweet!
We'll soon be together. Jesus!
What's that? Well put!
Yes, he is an arsehole! Shut up!
What's wrong with you?
This is how it's gonnae be!
Me and my beloved
lying out together.
Aye, two old skeletons hauding
their bony hands together,
wedding rings hanging
aff scraggy knuckles!
Comes tae us all!
Have a lie-down! Enjoy the view!
What view?
You'll be deid! You'll see hee-haw!
Your eye sockets'll be full of beasties!
I'm only winding you up. Well...
Come on.
Cheeribye, Betty, my darling.
Don't call me an arsehole, Betty!
Whit floor is it?
9 - same as Manky Frankie. Right.
What will you offer for the car?
She says £250...
so...£100.
Eh? Ach, away ye go, ya tightwad!
£100's a lot of money to a widow!
Aye, in 1940, maybe!
It's an insult! Insult, nothing!
Her man's been deid a fortnight.
Her heid'll be up her arse!
Aye? Aye.
"Oh, oh, oh, my man's away!
"£100? Aye, I'll take it, cos I'm a widow
and I've gone stupid! Thank you!"
She's no' in. Do you know
when she'll be back? No.
There was a note in Navid's saying
she was selling her man's car.
That's a good motor, that!
- I might buy that off her myself.
- Aye, that's a rare idea, Frankie.
You buy it, then you could take it apart and
leave all the wee bits scattered around your landing -
ya manky bastard!
- What was that?
- Nothing!
What are you doing, ya mad rocket - spitting at me?
- Shut up!
-Here, you!
-Did I get grogger on you?
-Aye, ya did!
Sorry.
This is murder!
20 minutes!
Do you want to get a taxi? No.
Too dear!
It's freezing, eh, Ma?
Oh, aye, Martin.
I can't wait to get up the road.
-Neither can I, Martin.
-Have some soup when we get in, eh?
We will have a cup of tea and some snowballs, eh ma!
-I didn't get snowballs, Martin.
-No snowballs?
Nah.
Ya stupid old cow!
-Relax Martin you've got an Empire biscuit!
-I don't want an Empire biscuit! I want a snowball!
Taxi!
Maybe if you have a job, Martin,
your ma can wipe your arse for you, Martin!
-Boabby!
-Her man died and left her the car,
but it's no good to her - she can't drive.
You ough to see it; Can't let a bargain like that pass.
Tam, what are you staring
at that fruit machine for?
-70 pence on the pound that sweetheart's got to pay out.
-And what?
Bluto here's put in £30 and it hasn't farted a nugget!
So You're hanging out here like a vulture
waiting on that paying out!
-Yes!
-Some man eh!
-Unbelievable!
-There you are, Winston.
-Cheers Boabby boy.
Thanks, Boabby. Am I no' getting
a pint? No, get your own pint!
-When did you last buy me a pint?
-Never mind that, When did you last buy "a" pint Tam?!
I have bought a pint...before.
Well, let's see you repeat the feat eh!
A pint of lager, Boabby!
-Bastarding machine!
-Ah that's my cue! Get Winston a pint, would you Eric.
Boabby...
(Machine speaks) King Kabab!
(Sound of coins spilling out)
-Well?
-Oh, aye, aye, it's minted, aye! [like new]
I'll tell you this an' all -
it's only done 30,000 miles.
Oooo! I'm getting in here, Jack!
Oh-oh... Incoming.
Hello there, sweetheart. Can I just say
We're very sorry to hear about Danny.
Aye, well, he had a good innings.
He did, aye. Aye.
-Right sweetheart, we want to buy Danny's motor. What do you need for it?
-[Tam] I'll give you ?100, hen!
I was thinking more in the region of ?250!
Point taken. ?105!
?150!
?150? Well,
I suppose it's better than ?105!
-What'll I bid, Jack? What'll i bid?
-Calm your jets Victor! This is what's known
in the auctioning world as middling.
-?175!
-Oh! ?175!
Steady!
Is that the best offer? ?175?
-Oh, well, then...
-?200!
-?225!
-Jesus, Jack! I'm not gonna get this!
Relax! Relax! I am now going to nobble the opposition!
-Eh Listen sweetheart, you don't want to sell the car to him.
-How no'?
-Well, it's fairly obvious Danny looked after that car.
-Aye.
-If you give it to him, he'll no' look after it any longer.
He'll have the engine out of it. He will have it stripped down
to wee bits and be hawking off the spare parts!
Now Victor, on the other hand,
he will look after it.
-And after all, that's what Danny would have wanted darling.
-Listen, son...
it doesn't matter what Danny would want.
Danny's dead! And I want new carpets!
Any advance on ?225?
-?230!
-?250!
-Now we're cooking with gas!
-?275!
-?280!
-?285!
?290!
-What are you doing?
-I want that car, Jack!
I'm not letting these arseholes get it!
-You're going in too heavy!
-Calm down, I know what I'm doing!
Look - ?300's my top end - ?300.
If it gets that high, I'll
bail out. It'll not come to that!
?290, then?
-?300!
-?305!
-?310!
-?315!
-?320!
-?325!
-?330!
-?340!
-?350!
-?360!
-?375!
-?395!
Bastard! I'm done!
?395 - and a lighter! it's a colibri - refilliable!
?400!
Done!
That was smashing!
Get it right up ye!
And you and all!
Ya Skinny bastard! I wanted that!
-Can I get my money!
-Of course you can, my love!
Jack...
-Did you see the bidding frenzy, there?
-Aye, I did - ya silly bastard!
The heat of the moment, the romance
of the auction, the fever of the bidding...
-You've not got ?400 have you?
-No.
-How much have you got?
-?300.
-Tam! Frankie...
-Common Jack!
-Victor, I am not lending you ?100.
I've got two words for you, boy -
bus stop.
Eh? Standing in the pishing rain
with all the trailer-trash rubbish,
waiting and waiting...
Oh,but with a motor [car], Jack...
with a motor...
In you get, nice and warm...
Comfy seat, tranny [radio] on...
Radio 2! [BBC]
# Sing something simple... #
Right!
-Come on! Let's get a pint!
Is that you? Aye, that's me.
DOORBELL
Oh...
Ho-ho!
My carriage awaits! Yes, indeedy!
Oh, dear! Having trouble
with your transport, Frankie?
Shut yer hole, you,
or I'll shut it for ye!
-Should've got yourself a car Frankie!
-Shut up ya bastard! You know I wanted that motor!
-Ah don't kid yourself! You were outbid and outclassed!
-It's a heap of shit, anyway!
-Is that right, aye?
This sound like a piece of shit to you?
VROOM-VROOM!
Ya tit!
Ya bastards!
-Ah! This is lovely.
-Oh look... There's a zebra [pedestrian] crossing there.
So there is, aye.
TOOT!
What are ye doing, ya maddie?
There's no smoking in a petrol station; You trying to blow us up?
What's the matter with ya?
Here, Jack, is that not a heron?
Oh, aye.
You don't see many of them do ya.
I used to fish out here when i was a boy.
Lovely, isn't it.
TOOTING
-Ah! ive had a smashing time Victor! I can't remember
the last time I'd had a day out like that.
-Aye, It was rare time. aye!
And I know just how to round off
a perfect day like today!
Ho-ho! Manky Frankie
and a big dirty bastarding puddle!
Ah, ya bastards!
-Barbers.
-Not at all!
Eh? But you use wee Freddie,
the same as me. He's a smashing fellow.
And you never tip him? He's been cutting
your hair for 30-odd years.
yeah the same old pish for 30 years!
"Do ya get a Day off?
Are you planning any holidays?"
He should be tipping me, the arsehole that he is.
Right then, what about taxi drivers?
Not a quarter! A shower of robbing bastards,
your taxi drivers!
Taking your roads - Never a short cut,
distracting you with garbage chat!
Anyway you would never catch me in a taxi unless
some other daft bastard paying for it.
- Isa?
- Aye?
- Do you tip taxi drivers?
- Oh, Aye!
There you are!
If I'm going to the bingo and the weather's bad,
Nah - I'll maybe jump a taxi or a phone van.
It's always ?2.80; there's only only the one road to the bingo.
I generally give him the ?3.
You see?
But if the traffic's slow, well that can take
the fare up to, say, ?3.10.
I'll give him ?4 and just take 50p back.
-Right...
-But then again...
Isa if you don't shut up I'll phone you a taxi right now!
All right!
-Come on!
-(Horn blows)
Jack?
Eric, I'll see you later.
-Nice wee car, that.
-Ah do you Like it aye? We got it a couple of days ago.
What the hell are you playing at eh?
Quarter of an hour I've been waiting on you!
Well, I was talking to Eric.
Geezo, was it a quarter of an hour?
Er, I'm choking! Take me to the Clansman!
Right...
What did you say there?
Er...take us to the Clansman.
-No, you said take ME to the Clansman.
-Did I?
Aye! You did!
-Well, I meant take "US" to the Clansman.
-No...
First, I took you to the library
so you could take your books back,
then to Navid's to get your tobacco,
then to the dry-cleaners to get your trousers;
Now...it's "Take ME to the Clansman"!
-You think I'm here to drive you about!
-Wait a minute, Victor.
No You wait a minute Jack!
What was all that pish with Eric, eh? "We got it a couple days ago..."?
-Well we did!
-This is my motor, jack.
-Our car - I put ?100 towards it!
You lent me ?100! I'm going to pay you that back!
I don't wanting it back, Victor.
I own 25% of this car; I'm a major shareholder in this car,
so therefore I have to be lifted and laid.
A major sha...?!
...I'll lay you out! Get in!
-What the hell are you doing?
-Im sitting in the back; more legroom.
Now are we going to the Clansman?
No! Cause I can't drink!
I'll be buggered if I'm sitting there,
nursing a tomato juice while you get pished!
-So you are not going?
-No!
Well fine! Take "ME" to the Clansman!
You listen... Clansman, driver!
BARKING
[TV] "This week, we'll be test-driving
the Ferrari Testarossa; 0-60 in..."
Achh! Lot of shite!
[TV] "...It's a beast of a machine, and you don't want to miss this review."
[Off switch clicks]
[KNOCKING]
I know you're in there; I saw the car down the stairs.
I've just walked about three mile
in the pishing rain...
-Jesus!
-Cause I've no car, because of you!
Aye, and you soaked me yesterday!
Anyway, I've sorted you!
You're sorted!
PHONE RINGS
Oh!
Victor? Victor? I'm steaming...
Jack, good for you! What is it?
-I'm in the pub.
-Uh-huh?
-And I'm steaming.
-Yes, you've told me that! What is it?
I wanted to say I was sorry. You know?
I mean - I apologise for being a prick.
Forget it. Is that it? Er...
No! Victor, you're my best pal.
-That's lovely. Good night now.
-Victor?
-Yes, Jack?
I'm going to come up the road just now and Im needing a lift.
I've not got the money for a taxi.
-Aha, and?
-And you have to to come and get me.
-Get lost!
-What if I get murdered, and mugged an' all?
-Tough!
-Ah, Come on now Victor, I'm steaming!
You're not my chauffeur - you're my pal!
-Come on now, give us a lift. It's raining...
-...and I'm steaming!
-Right.
Jesus! What a time of night to be out!
Frankie!
Waking me up; getting me out my bed...
Aw! My pal's come to get me!
-Where the hell have you been?
-Get in the car, Jack! I'm not in any mood to piss about.
[yells] Right! We have to to get in!
-Wait a bloody minute!
-Well, we're all going to the same place, driver...Er, Victor!
[DRUNKEN LAUGHTER]
Sit at peace - the lot of you's!!
Ah! This is a lovely car, Jack!
Its very good of you to give us a lift.
[Jack] Don't mention it, Isa!
-It's a good motor, this. Solid.
-Good car, aye.
I should have a seat belt on!
-Oh! Ya dirty bugger! Get your hand out there!
-It's not my hand!
Sorry about that!
What the bloody hell's that smell?
-Fish supper!
-Oh! Give us a chip!
-Want a bit eh?
Don't open that in this car!
Here, take a chip!
Oh! You!
Dropped my fish Tam! Pick up my fish for me?!
Watch!
I've got it...
-Nah, it's all broke up in wee bits!
-Ah Christ!
That's Terrible! Keep the bloody noise down!
Victor has been good enough to get out of his bed
and come and get us! You're all taking a
liberty, stinking out his car like that! For God's sake!
[BARF]
-No! Jesus!
CRASH!
Have we hit a deer or something?
Its Craiglang, ya clown!
For God's sake!
Is it a wee dog? Ah Im sorry about that!
Aw, shit!
[singing] # Hurdy gurdy gurdy,
in the window boxes... #
Jesus!
-Victor!
-Jack! Morning. Look at the state of you.
I'm bloody dying. I'm getting too
old for the bevvying [beverages].
I'm getting too old for the driving.
Ah, wait a minute - was that because of last night?
I've come down to say Im sorry...
Jack don't worry; forget last night. I've got to get rid of this motor.
-How? We've been having a smashing time.
-I know, but look.
The tax disc is up! That's ?75 beans!
Insurance is ?300!
Christ that's nearly what you paid for it!
Aye! And it's ?32 a tank of juice!
All that before I've
bought a pint of milk!
Aye, it's humped, right enough.
You want a hand?
No...
Aye!
- Are You OK, Isa?
- Aye, I'm fine, Navid. How?
- It's just you look rough - like a badger's arse.
- Night on the tiles, Navid.
I Feel a bit worse for wear if i'm honest.
Ah! Why don't I do you a nice big breakfast eh?
Big wobbly egg, nice and runny,
greasy mushrooms, and a slice of half-cooked lorne [sausage]
with fried toast and beans.
Then I mash it all up together for you
and you drink it like a milk shake eh?
Stop it Navid!
Eh! If you are going to hack it up, do it outside!
Milk please Navid...
Oh! Paracetamol an' all [acetaminophen].
Were you out on the piss an' all eh?!
The two of you?
Aye...it was some night...
Eric threw up in Victor's new car.
Ah the Skoda?
That's too much of a fanny magnet!
Paracetamol, Navid [acetaminophen]
Oh, you've got some.
?105, my final offer.
What do you think this is? Christmas?
Piss off Tam!
Eh, Ya bastard! Less that a week ago,
you were offering ?395 and a Calibra lighter for it!
Eh, that was before there was a dent in the bumper;
after you ran over a smelly scooter.
-Which was partly your fault, ya asshole.
Right. Victor, what do you need for the car?
What do we need for it Jack?
Never mind we.
-You put ?100 in.
Aye, and I've had ?100 of fun out of it.
Get your ?300 back. That's it.
?300! Not a half penny less!
Right, Tam, you heard the man - ?300.
Ya...!
I've got him over a barrel here!
I'm the only bidder!
I'll say ?150!
-The hell, you miserable bastard!
You Listen to me!
This is your chance to do the right thing.
Be generous; the car's worth ?300!
You've got that in your pocket...
Now give Victor his money!
?300.
Thanking you.
CACKLING
Car trouble, Victor? It's him
you want to speak to, Frankie!
Ah, you'll want to see the car that Tam's got, Boabby.
It's an absolute cracker;
?300 was all he paid for it too.
Two previous owners, 30,000 miles on the clock,
and a full service history.
Oh, aye,
and a free fridge-freezer with it!
Shut up! Brassick!
[poor!]
Anybody going to buy me a pint?
-No.
You got what you deserved,
you tight-arsed old tit!
Here Tam why don't you try this? You ask Boabby
for a pint, he gives you the pint,
you go into your pocket
and give him
...Money!
Bit of a madcap whacky notion, Victor.
Do you think that would work, Tam?
Pint of lager, please, Boabby.
Terrible weather we've been having...
-It certainly is.
Still, they say it should clear up for the weekend.
-Do they?
-Yes, they do.
?1.80, please.
-There you are.
Thanking you.
Going on any holidays this year, barman?
No, I'll not get a chance to get away.
-Ah. I was in Spain last year at my sisters.
They've done away with the peseta.
[monetary unit of Spain]
-Aye, it's the Euro now, ain't it?
That right.
-I've Never even seen one.
-Oh have you not? No?
-No.
Well you should look in your till -
I just gave you two!
Aye, that's me.
Is that you? Eh?
Give me one more minute, Jack.
Right, my darling, I'll give John a wee call this week
to see how he's doing.
I meant to say to ya - me and Jack are
away to see about a motor [Car] this afternoon.
I know!
Can you believe that? After all these years,
I might be getting back on the road!
Anyway... Be up to see you again
the first of next month.
Eh?
I love you too.
You're a creepy bastard!
How?
Talking to Betty like that
as if she was still alive.
What's wrang with that? You're
the creepy bastard! How's that?
Standing there, silent, all remourseful,
"Oh, look at me mourning!"
It's better than talking
to the bloody dead, isn't it?!
Its not just that; you Leave a wee gap as if she'll
answer, as if she's still here!
She is still here - in my heart.
Birthday card pish!
Ignore him, my sweet!
We'll soon be together. Jesus!
What's that? Well put!
Yes, he is an arsehole! Shut up!
What's wrong with you?
This is how it's gonnae be!
Me and my beloved
lying out together.
Aye, two old skeletons hauding
their bony hands together,
wedding rings hanging
aff scraggy knuckles!
Comes tae us all!
Have a lie-down! Enjoy the view!
What view?
You'll be deid! You'll see hee-haw!
Your eye sockets'll be full of beasties!
I'm only winding you up. Well...
Come on.
Cheeribye, Betty, my darling.
Don't call me an arsehole, Betty!
Whit floor is it?
9 - same as Manky Frankie. Right.
What will you offer for the car?
She says £250...
so...£100.
Eh? Ach, away ye go, ya tightwad!
£100's a lot of money to a widow!
Aye, in 1940, maybe!
It's an insult! Insult, nothing!
Her man's been deid a fortnight.
Her heid'll be up her arse!
Aye? Aye.
"Oh, oh, oh, my man's away!
"£100? Aye, I'll take it, cos I'm a widow
and I've gone stupid! Thank you!"
She's no' in. Do you know
when she'll be back? No.
There was a note in Navid's saying
she was selling her man's car.
That's a good motor, that!
- I might buy that off her myself.
- Aye, that's a rare idea, Frankie.
You buy it, then you could take it apart and
leave all the wee bits scattered around your landing -
ya manky bastard!
- What was that?
- Nothing!
What are you doing, ya mad rocket - spitting at me?
- Shut up!
-Here, you!
-Did I get grogger on you?
-Aye, ya did!
Sorry.
This is murder!
20 minutes!
Do you want to get a taxi? No.
Too dear!
It's freezing, eh, Ma?
Oh, aye, Martin.
I can't wait to get up the road.
-Neither can I, Martin.
-Have some soup when we get in, eh?
We will have a cup of tea and some snowballs, eh ma!
-I didn't get snowballs, Martin.
-No snowballs?
Nah.
Ya stupid old cow!
-Relax Martin you've got an Empire biscuit!
-I don't want an Empire biscuit! I want a snowball!
Taxi!
Maybe if you have a job, Martin,
your ma can wipe your arse for you, Martin!
-Boabby!
-Her man died and left her the car,
but it's no good to her - she can't drive.
You ough to see it; Can't let a bargain like that pass.
Tam, what are you staring
at that fruit machine for?
-70 pence on the pound that sweetheart's got to pay out.
-And what?
Bluto here's put in £30 and it hasn't farted a nugget!
So You're hanging out here like a vulture
waiting on that paying out!
-Yes!
-Some man eh!
-Unbelievable!
-There you are, Winston.
-Cheers Boabby boy.
Thanks, Boabby. Am I no' getting
a pint? No, get your own pint!
-When did you last buy me a pint?
-Never mind that, When did you last buy "a" pint Tam?!
I have bought a pint...before.
Well, let's see you repeat the feat eh!
A pint of lager, Boabby!
-Bastarding machine!
-Ah that's my cue! Get Winston a pint, would you Eric.
Boabby...
(Machine speaks) King Kabab!
(Sound of coins spilling out)
-Well?
-Oh, aye, aye, it's minted, aye! [like new]
I'll tell you this an' all -
it's only done 30,000 miles.
Oooo! I'm getting in here, Jack!
Oh-oh... Incoming.
Hello there, sweetheart. Can I just say
We're very sorry to hear about Danny.
Aye, well, he had a good innings.
He did, aye. Aye.
-Right sweetheart, we want to buy Danny's motor. What do you need for it?
-[Tam] I'll give you ?100, hen!
I was thinking more in the region of ?250!
Point taken. ?105!
?150!
?150? Well,
I suppose it's better than ?105!
-What'll I bid, Jack? What'll i bid?
-Calm your jets Victor! This is what's known
in the auctioning world as middling.
-?175!
-Oh! ?175!
Steady!
Is that the best offer? ?175?
-Oh, well, then...
-?200!
-?225!
-Jesus, Jack! I'm not gonna get this!
Relax! Relax! I am now going to nobble the opposition!
-Eh Listen sweetheart, you don't want to sell the car to him.
-How no'?
-Well, it's fairly obvious Danny looked after that car.
-Aye.
-If you give it to him, he'll no' look after it any longer.
He'll have the engine out of it. He will have it stripped down
to wee bits and be hawking off the spare parts!
Now Victor, on the other hand,
he will look after it.
-And after all, that's what Danny would have wanted darling.
-Listen, son...
it doesn't matter what Danny would want.
Danny's dead! And I want new carpets!
Any advance on ?225?
-?230!
-?250!
-Now we're cooking with gas!
-?275!
-?280!
-?285!
?290!
-What are you doing?
-I want that car, Jack!
I'm not letting these arseholes get it!
-You're going in too heavy!
-Calm down, I know what I'm doing!
Look - ?300's my top end - ?300.
If it gets that high, I'll
bail out. It'll not come to that!
?290, then?
-?300!
-?305!
-?310!
-?315!
-?320!
-?325!
-?330!
-?340!
-?350!
-?360!
-?375!
-?395!
Bastard! I'm done!
?395 - and a lighter! it's a colibri - refilliable!
?400!
Done!
That was smashing!
Get it right up ye!
And you and all!
Ya Skinny bastard! I wanted that!
-Can I get my money!
-Of course you can, my love!
Jack...
-Did you see the bidding frenzy, there?
-Aye, I did - ya silly bastard!
The heat of the moment, the romance
of the auction, the fever of the bidding...
-You've not got ?400 have you?
-No.
-How much have you got?
-?300.
-Tam! Frankie...
-Common Jack!
-Victor, I am not lending you ?100.
I've got two words for you, boy -
bus stop.
Eh? Standing in the pishing rain
with all the trailer-trash rubbish,
waiting and waiting...
Oh,but with a motor [car], Jack...
with a motor...
In you get, nice and warm...
Comfy seat, tranny [radio] on...
Radio 2! [BBC]
# Sing something simple... #
Right!
-Come on! Let's get a pint!
Is that you? Aye, that's me.
DOORBELL
Oh...
Ho-ho!
My carriage awaits! Yes, indeedy!
Oh, dear! Having trouble
with your transport, Frankie?
Shut yer hole, you,
or I'll shut it for ye!
-Should've got yourself a car Frankie!
-Shut up ya bastard! You know I wanted that motor!
-Ah don't kid yourself! You were outbid and outclassed!
-It's a heap of shit, anyway!
-Is that right, aye?
This sound like a piece of shit to you?
VROOM-VROOM!
Ya tit!
Ya bastards!
-Ah! This is lovely.
-Oh look... There's a zebra [pedestrian] crossing there.
So there is, aye.
TOOT!
What are ye doing, ya maddie?
There's no smoking in a petrol station; You trying to blow us up?
What's the matter with ya?
Here, Jack, is that not a heron?
Oh, aye.
You don't see many of them do ya.
I used to fish out here when i was a boy.
Lovely, isn't it.
TOOTING
-Ah! ive had a smashing time Victor! I can't remember
the last time I'd had a day out like that.
-Aye, It was rare time. aye!
And I know just how to round off
a perfect day like today!
Ho-ho! Manky Frankie
and a big dirty bastarding puddle!
Ah, ya bastards!
-Barbers.
-Not at all!
Eh? But you use wee Freddie,
the same as me. He's a smashing fellow.
And you never tip him? He's been cutting
your hair for 30-odd years.
yeah the same old pish for 30 years!
"Do ya get a Day off?
Are you planning any holidays?"
He should be tipping me, the arsehole that he is.
Right then, what about taxi drivers?
Not a quarter! A shower of robbing bastards,
your taxi drivers!
Taking your roads - Never a short cut,
distracting you with garbage chat!
Anyway you would never catch me in a taxi unless
some other daft bastard paying for it.
- Isa?
- Aye?
- Do you tip taxi drivers?
- Oh, Aye!
There you are!
If I'm going to the bingo and the weather's bad,
Nah - I'll maybe jump a taxi or a phone van.
It's always ?2.80; there's only only the one road to the bingo.
I generally give him the ?3.
You see?
But if the traffic's slow, well that can take
the fare up to, say, ?3.10.
I'll give him ?4 and just take 50p back.
-Right...
-But then again...
Isa if you don't shut up I'll phone you a taxi right now!
All right!
-Come on!
-(Horn blows)
Jack?
Eric, I'll see you later.
-Nice wee car, that.
-Ah do you Like it aye? We got it a couple of days ago.
What the hell are you playing at eh?
Quarter of an hour I've been waiting on you!
Well, I was talking to Eric.
Geezo, was it a quarter of an hour?
Er, I'm choking! Take me to the Clansman!
Right...
What did you say there?
Er...take us to the Clansman.
-No, you said take ME to the Clansman.
-Did I?
Aye! You did!
-Well, I meant take "US" to the Clansman.
-No...
First, I took you to the library
so you could take your books back,
then to Navid's to get your tobacco,
then to the dry-cleaners to get your trousers;
Now...it's "Take ME to the Clansman"!
-You think I'm here to drive you about!
-Wait a minute, Victor.
No You wait a minute Jack!
What was all that pish with Eric, eh? "We got it a couple days ago..."?
-Well we did!
-This is my motor, jack.
-Our car - I put ?100 towards it!
You lent me ?100! I'm going to pay you that back!
I don't wanting it back, Victor.
I own 25% of this car; I'm a major shareholder in this car,
so therefore I have to be lifted and laid.
A major sha...?!
...I'll lay you out! Get in!
-What the hell are you doing?
-Im sitting in the back; more legroom.
Now are we going to the Clansman?
No! Cause I can't drink!
I'll be buggered if I'm sitting there,
nursing a tomato juice while you get pished!
-So you are not going?
-No!
Well fine! Take "ME" to the Clansman!
You listen... Clansman, driver!
BARKING
[TV] "This week, we'll be test-driving
the Ferrari Testarossa; 0-60 in..."
Achh! Lot of shite!
[TV] "...It's a beast of a machine, and you don't want to miss this review."
[Off switch clicks]
[KNOCKING]
I know you're in there; I saw the car down the stairs.
I've just walked about three mile
in the pishing rain...
-Jesus!
-Cause I've no car, because of you!
Aye, and you soaked me yesterday!
Anyway, I've sorted you!
You're sorted!
PHONE RINGS
Oh!
Victor? Victor? I'm steaming...
Jack, good for you! What is it?
-I'm in the pub.
-Uh-huh?
-And I'm steaming.
-Yes, you've told me that! What is it?
I wanted to say I was sorry. You know?
I mean - I apologise for being a prick.
Forget it. Is that it? Er...
No! Victor, you're my best pal.
-That's lovely. Good night now.
-Victor?
-Yes, Jack?
I'm going to come up the road just now and Im needing a lift.
I've not got the money for a taxi.
-Aha, and?
-And you have to to come and get me.
-Get lost!
-What if I get murdered, and mugged an' all?
-Tough!
-Ah, Come on now Victor, I'm steaming!
You're not my chauffeur - you're my pal!
-Come on now, give us a lift. It's raining...
-...and I'm steaming!
-Right.
Jesus! What a time of night to be out!
Frankie!
Waking me up; getting me out my bed...
Aw! My pal's come to get me!
-Where the hell have you been?
-Get in the car, Jack! I'm not in any mood to piss about.
[yells] Right! We have to to get in!
-Wait a bloody minute!
-Well, we're all going to the same place, driver...Er, Victor!
[DRUNKEN LAUGHTER]
Sit at peace - the lot of you's!!
Ah! This is a lovely car, Jack!
Its very good of you to give us a lift.
[Jack] Don't mention it, Isa!
-It's a good motor, this. Solid.
-Good car, aye.
I should have a seat belt on!
-Oh! Ya dirty bugger! Get your hand out there!
-It's not my hand!
Sorry about that!
What the bloody hell's that smell?
-Fish supper!
-Oh! Give us a chip!
-Want a bit eh?
Don't open that in this car!
Here, take a chip!
Oh! You!
Dropped my fish Tam! Pick up my fish for me?!
Watch!
I've got it...
-Nah, it's all broke up in wee bits!
-Ah Christ!
That's Terrible! Keep the bloody noise down!
Victor has been good enough to get out of his bed
and come and get us! You're all taking a
liberty, stinking out his car like that! For God's sake!
[BARF]
-No! Jesus!
CRASH!
Have we hit a deer or something?
Its Craiglang, ya clown!
For God's sake!
Is it a wee dog? Ah Im sorry about that!
Aw, shit!
[singing] # Hurdy gurdy gurdy,
in the window boxes... #
Jesus!
-Victor!
-Jack! Morning. Look at the state of you.
I'm bloody dying. I'm getting too
old for the bevvying [beverages].
I'm getting too old for the driving.
Ah, wait a minute - was that because of last night?
I've come down to say Im sorry...
Jack don't worry; forget last night. I've got to get rid of this motor.
-How? We've been having a smashing time.
-I know, but look.
The tax disc is up! That's ?75 beans!
Insurance is ?300!
Christ that's nearly what you paid for it!
Aye! And it's ?32 a tank of juice!
All that before I've
bought a pint of milk!
Aye, it's humped, right enough.
You want a hand?
No...
Aye!
- Are You OK, Isa?
- Aye, I'm fine, Navid. How?
- It's just you look rough - like a badger's arse.
- Night on the tiles, Navid.
I Feel a bit worse for wear if i'm honest.
Ah! Why don't I do you a nice big breakfast eh?
Big wobbly egg, nice and runny,
greasy mushrooms, and a slice of half-cooked lorne [sausage]
with fried toast and beans.
Then I mash it all up together for you
and you drink it like a milk shake eh?
Stop it Navid!
Eh! If you are going to hack it up, do it outside!
Milk please Navid...
Oh! Paracetamol an' all [acetaminophen].
Were you out on the piss an' all eh?!
The two of you?
Aye...it was some night...
Eric threw up in Victor's new car.
Ah the Skoda?
That's too much of a fanny magnet!
Paracetamol, Navid [acetaminophen]
Oh, you've got some.
?105, my final offer.
What do you think this is? Christmas?
Piss off Tam!
Eh, Ya bastard! Less that a week ago,
you were offering ?395 and a Calibra lighter for it!
Eh, that was before there was a dent in the bumper;
after you ran over a smelly scooter.
-Which was partly your fault, ya asshole.
Right. Victor, what do you need for the car?
What do we need for it Jack?
Never mind we.
-You put ?100 in.
Aye, and I've had ?100 of fun out of it.
Get your ?300 back. That's it.
?300! Not a half penny less!
Right, Tam, you heard the man - ?300.
Ya...!
I've got him over a barrel here!
I'm the only bidder!
I'll say ?150!
-The hell, you miserable bastard!
You Listen to me!
This is your chance to do the right thing.
Be generous; the car's worth ?300!
You've got that in your pocket...
Now give Victor his money!
?300.
Thanking you.
CACKLING
Car trouble, Victor? It's him
you want to speak to, Frankie!
Ah, you'll want to see the car that Tam's got, Boabby.
It's an absolute cracker;
?300 was all he paid for it too.
Two previous owners, 30,000 miles on the clock,
and a full service history.
Oh, aye,
and a free fridge-freezer with it!
Shut up! Brassick!
[poor!]
Anybody going to buy me a pint?
-No.
You got what you deserved,
you tight-arsed old tit!
Here Tam why don't you try this? You ask Boabby
for a pint, he gives you the pint,
you go into your pocket
and give him
...Money!
Bit of a madcap whacky notion, Victor.
Do you think that would work, Tam?
Pint of lager, please, Boabby.
Terrible weather we've been having...
-It certainly is.
Still, they say it should clear up for the weekend.
-Do they?
-Yes, they do.
?1.80, please.
-There you are.
Thanking you.
Going on any holidays this year, barman?
No, I'll not get a chance to get away.
-Ah. I was in Spain last year at my sisters.
They've done away with the peseta.
[monetary unit of Spain]
-Aye, it's the Euro now, ain't it?
That right.
-I've Never even seen one.
-Oh have you not? No?
-No.
Well you should look in your till -
I just gave you two!