Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 7, Episode 8 - Girls Just Wanna Have Fun - full transcript

- 'Come on.'
- Oh, no.

Yes! I got another planet!
Uranus is mine!

I cannot believe you guys.

I have been gone for four hours

and you are still playing
with your joysticks.

We've been here that long?

Man, we're really
gettin' our quarter's worth.

Woo-hoo! Yes!
Victory is mine!

Yes, wonderful.
Can we go home now?

Oh, but, honey,
we just won a bonus game.

I promise, it won't take
more than, what



three-four hours, tops.

Well, I've had enough
of this virtual stupidity.

- I'll see you at home.
- Okay, honey.

Yo! Halke.

I get the next game.

And I am gonna kick your butt.

No way.

- Cassie!
- The one and only.

[both screaming]

[laughing]

Oh, when'd you get here?

How long are you stayin'?
Where'd you come from?

Yesterday. Indefinitely.
Sheboygan.

- Uh, hi--
- Sheboygan.



Oh, this is so awesome!

[both laughing]

What are you doin' here?

Well, my family moved back
to town and they said

if I wanna keep
spongin' off 'em

I gotta go
to East Wisconsin U.

I can't believe
you're really here. Hey!

Hey, there. Hi!

I'm Dana. Rich's girlfriend.

Oh, what's up, girlfriend?

Oh, honey, I'm sorry,
Cassie and I were like

best friends in junior high.

We flunked Social Studies
together, remember?

- That's special.
- Yeah!

Oh, it's gonna be
just like old times.

Cass and the Halke-ster.

- Homies again.
- Homies again!

Oh, this is great.
I think this is great.

- Isn't this great?
- Yes.

Oh, yeah. It's great.

[grunting]

[theme music]

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall
the stronger we stay ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[opera music]

[sighs]
Isn't it magnificent?

It's so passionate, so moving.

I mean, have you ever heard
anything like this?

Rich?

Tsk. Rich!

Yeah? Oh. Oh.

Bravo! Encore!
You're the man!

Rich, if you are not interested
in Pagliacci, you can leave.

I did not crazy glue you
to the sofa.

Honey, no, no, no. I enjoy
watching these things with you.

I mean, what better form of
entertainment than to watch a..

...bunch of fat people
screamin' at each other

in a foreign tongue?

No, honey, you know, I just

I had a really long day,
I'm just exhausted.

Maybe I just
need a little nap.

[doorbell dings]

Would you get that, hon?

Excuse me.

- Cassie, hi.
- Hey! How you doin', Dona?

- It's Dana.
- Ooh.

Gee, you look like a Dona.

Hey, Halke.

Hey, Cassie!
What're you doin' here?

Well, I'm broke and I needed
to find a sucker

I can hustle out of some cash.

- So, wanna play pool, sucker?
- Oh, yes!

Oh, no, uh..

I, uh, I'm watchin'
this really great opera

this, uh, Polly itchy?

Rich, it's Pagliacci.

And look, if you wanna go
play with Cassie, then go.

- Oh, no, hon, I really wanna..
- Honey, I'm sure you're not..

[indistinct chatter]

I want you to go
play pool with Cassie.

Okay. Bye, honey.

Later, Dona.

It's Dana.

Ooh!

Sorry, you still
look like a Dona.

[instrumental music]

- Ooh, hi, honey.
- Oh, just the man I wanna see.

Have I got good news for you.

What, all the kids
are gone and you wanna play

"The lonely housewife
and the lucky cable guy?"

- Maybe later.
- Okay.

No, the good news is
your favorite cousin called.

I invited him over,
he'll be here real soon.

Oh, that's great.

- My cousin Art is coming.
- No, your cousin Bert.

Bert? Bert, the bum?
The bum is coming?

Well, I don't understand. He
said you two were inseparable.

Well, yeah, that's because
when I was five

he put me on a leash
and he charged kids ten cents

to pet Bo-Bo,
the big-headed monkey boy.

Honey, Bert is a liar
and a bum.

And he never gave me a dime
of that Bo-Bo, the monkey money.

Oh, Frank, he's family.
How bad can he be?

He lost Uncle Wally's glass eye
in a marble game.

And I loaned him
a 100 bucks in 1972

and he never paid me back.

Well, that was a long time ago.
People can change.

Well, we're not stickin'
around to find out.

You get the kids,
we're gonna jump

in the car and go to dinner
in-in-in Canada.

[doorbell dings]

Oh, don't answer that. Don't.

- Grow up, Frank.
- 'No!'

The old Frankfurter!

I bet you haven't heard
that name in a while.

- Hey! Boop, boop, boop.
- What? Ugh!

No, and I still hate it.

Oh, still the same old
Cranky Frankie.

Come on, big guy,
give your cuz a hug.

Now..

Ah!

[sighs]

Hi.

Ooh, hey, you must be Carol.

Man, you sounded gorgeous
on the phone

but whoa, mama!

I like him already, Frank.

Yeah, well, wait till
you've known him 30 seconds.

[laughs]

Loosen up, Frank. Look how glad
Bert is to see you.

Glad? I am thrilled!

There is no way
in the world I would pass

through town
after all these years

without stopping by
to see my favorite cuz.

Oh, just passin' through. Well,
gee, don't let me stop you.

Okay, let's do this again
in another 25 years.

Hey, quit your horsin' around,
you big lug!

Your beautiful wife has already
invited me to stay for dinner.

Remember the last time
you and I had dinner?

Sure, I do.

He invited me out
and then he tried

to pay with
an expired credit card.

He snuck out the back, I spent
two weeks wearin' a hair neck

cleanin' the grease
out of drains.

That was fun.

That's my Bo-Bo,
the monkey boy!

[whooping]

[instrumental music]

Hey, Bert, let me
ask you a question.

Of all the places you've been
in the entire world

which one was your favorite?

Oh, no contest. Tahiti.

Soft white beaches,
crystal clear water

and a sunset so beautiful

it would make a grown man cry.

Sorry, I might need a minute.

That's beautiful.

Yeah, but, hey,
not half as beautiful

as the women at this table.

I swear,
I feel like I'm havin'

dinner at the
Miss Universe pageant.

Yeah, well, that's great.

Why don't you save
some of that?

I need the fertilizer
for the yard.

- 'Oh!'
- Frank?

May I see you in the living room
for a minute, please?

Sure. I could use
a little fresh air.

Hey, uh, Bert.

Listen, don't do
anything funny there.

I counted all the silverware.

[Carol]
'Frank.'

Alright, alright.
I know what you're gonna say.

You think I'm bein' rude.
Well, I don't care.

- I don't like the guy.
- Well, maybe not.

But could you at least
try to be civil?

My God, Frank, Marv Albert
would get a better reception

at a feminist rally.

[sighs]

Carol, you don't understand.

- Bert is bad news.
- Frank--

I don't trust the guy.
I want him out of this house.

No, no, listen, no matter what
you say, I'm gonna tell him.

Frank. I don't think you have
to bother, he already knows.

Uh, don't be angry
at Frank, Carol.

He has every reason
to feel the way he does.

You see, the old Bert
was a pretty bad guy.

He was a liar and a thief.

But what Frank doesn't know
is I'm a changed man.

I found the error of my ways.

You found religion?

No, incarceration.

Uh, well, see there.
What'd they get you for, huh?

Petty larceny, check fraud,
white slavery?

Well, actually I was trying

to sell something
that wasn't mine.

- What?
- Arizona.

So, I guess
I'll be leaving now.

Okay, bye.

But, hey, before I go,
I got something I wanna give ya.

I have done my time

and now I am paying my debts.

Here's the $100 I owe ya,
plus $200 interest.

Gee, Bert, I..

I don't know what to say.

Ah, you don't have
to say anything, Frank.

I'm just hoping that
somehow you can

find it in your heart
to forgive me..

...someday.

Yeah.

Well, nice meeting you, Carol.

- Thanks for a wonderful dinner.
- It was my pleasure.

[sighs]

[sighs]

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

- 'Hey, uh, Bert.'
- Yeah?

Listen, y-you haven't
had dessert yet and Carol

she makes a pretty mean
strawberry shortcake.

- You mean it?
- Yeah, I mean it.

Oh, thanks,
you little Frankfurter!

[groans]
See that? Could you stop
with the Frankfurter stuff?

You got it, Cranky Frankie.

Hey! Boop, boop, boop.

[instrumental music]

[both chuckle]

Dana, uh, is that,
is that you?

Wearing an apron
and making food?

Oh, my God! She's been possessed
by June Cleaver.

Very funny.

It's no big deal,
I am just packing lunch

for me and Rich
to take down to the lake.

What happened to your usual,
"Saturdays are for study?"

I plan on doing
a little studying.

Going to study his lips
and let him study mine.

I knew it, I knew Rich spending
all that time with Cassie

was starting to get to you.

Fine, you're right.

But he's not gonna
be with Cassie today.

Because I am going
to take him down to the lake

ply him with a chicken sandwich

and sugar-coated
fruit-tooties..

...and rock his world.

You go, girl!

- Hello, ladies.
- Hey, Rich.

Boy, are you in
for a good day.

Oh, tell me about it,
Cassie got us tickets

to the monster truck show
this afternoon.

- What?
- Oh, honey.

You know,
I know how you love

to study every Saturday.

So I figured I'll just
get out of your hair

and let you bury yourself
in your books, huh?

Am I a thoughtful guy or what?

Yeah, you're a real prince.

Hey, uh, what's this?

[imitating Yogi Bear]
Looks like someone's off
to a Jellystone Park

with a pic-a-nic basket.

- Yeah, Dana was--
- Uh, wait!

I was planning to, uh,
study all day

but I was packing a lunch
for the girls

'cause they are going down
to the lake..

...without me, of course.

'Cause I'm just
gonna be here studying

by myself.

Alone with my books.

That's my little brainiac.
I'm gonna miss you.

[imitating Yogi Bear]
Hey, you guys look out
for Mr. Ranger now, okay?

Come on, Yogi.
Alright, Boo-Boo.

Alright, Yogi, come on.

Dana, why didn't you
tell Rich the picnic

was for the two of you?

What for? I mean, it's obvious

he'd rather spend time
with Cassie than with me.

[instrumental music]

Ahh!

I think you're lost, barky,
the fire hydrant's outside.

Look, I don't know
how to say this, but..

...I'm not fun.

I've been telling you
that for years.

J.T., this is serious.

Rich is out
with Cassie right now

because she's fun
and I'm not.

So please, you've gotta teach me
how to be fun.

Let me get this straight.

You, brilliant, perfect Dana

need help from dumb old me?

[sighs]
Yes.

And I want you to know
that this is

the lowest point of my life.

Yes, which of course makes
it the highest point of mine.

So you're gonna teach me
how to be fun?

I'll try. But remember,
I'm just one man.

So what's first?

[burping]

What was that?

That, Dana, was fun.

Listen, I am not going to belch.

Cassie would.

In fact, I hear she can belch
to "Camptown Races"

all the way
to doo-da, doo-da.

That is disgusting.

Fine, then Cassie gets Rich

and you end up the way
we all thought you would.

An angry gym teacher,
short haircut, too many cats.

Alright, fine. I'll try it.

- So, what am I supposed to do?
- It's no big deal.

Just suck in some air
and burp it out.

[inhaling]

[burping]

Alright!

[instrumental music]

Come on, honey, hurry up.
The game's about to start.

I don't wanna miss
the kick-off here.

Can you get this
in the kitchen, hon?

- Sure.
- Okay. Don't hurt yourself.

There you go. Good girl.

Carol, where's the,
uh, remote control?

- On top of the TV.
- Oh.

Carol, where's the TV?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. We've been robbed!

No, we've been had.

I knew this would happen.
Bert strikes again.

But that doesn't make sense.

I mean, why would Bert
want our junky old TV?

After giving you $300.

You know why.

Because this $300 is not real.

It's counterfeit,
it's funny money.

- It's sucker bucks and now..
- No!

It's confetti.

Ha-ha.

[knock on door]

Hey, cuz, Carol.

You know, you guys really
should lock your doors.

Someone could just walk right
in and steal somethin'.

Well, you ought to know.

Bert, you have a lot
of nerve comin' back here

after what you did.

Yeah, Bert,
how could you steal our TV?

I invite you over,
I opened my home.

I even gave you meatloaf!

You got it all wrong. Didn't
J.T. give you the message?

Yeah, right.
What are you talkin' about?

That kid is gettin'
more like me everyday.

We gotta hurry up. One more
stop we got to make.

Uh, where do you want this?

Uh, set it right down there

in front of the couch.

[Frank]
Oh, my God!

Bert..

You bought us a new TV?

Feelin' kind of stupid,
huh, Frank?

Oh! Bert, I just
can't believe this.

Believe it. This baby is loaded.

Cable ready, surround sound
picture-in-picture..

Heck, this baby will do
everything except

go to the can for you
during commercials.

Oh, Bert, gee, I'm really
sorry I ever doubted you.

Yeah, Bert, yeah, I-I shouldn't
have jumped to conclusions.

- I apologize.
- Ah, it's alright, Frank.

You had a right.

I did some pretty lousy things
to you over the years.

Let's just say
this is my way of proving to you

that I really
am a different man.

Wow, Carol,
you know what this means?

Yes, that people can change
and turn their lives around.

No. That I just
ripped up $300!

Oh, my God!

[rock music]

Okay, now, I'm gonna
put the nine in the corner

kiss the five, and put it
in the other corner.

The hard way.

♪ Pick up the beat ♪

♪ Pick up the beat ♪

♪ Pick up the beat ♪♪

[cheering and applause]

Uh, let me get this straight.

You've uh, played
this game before, yes?

- Uh-huh.
- Yes.

Yo, Halke, what it is?

[burps]

I'm sorry, have we met?

What's up, girlfriend!
How you livin'?

Dana, what happened
to your clothes?

Looks like you just came out
of a mosh pit.

Check it out.

It's the new me.

I'm dressed
to hang with my homelies.

That would be homies.

Whatever.

So, you mind if I play?

Yeah, I thought you hated pool.

That was the old Dana.

Looks like fun. Rack 'em up.

It's cool, it's cool.
Chill, babies.

Okay.

Sports fans,
watch and be amazed.

Ooh!

Okay.

White ball in that side hole.

[glass shatters]

Honey, what has gotten into you?

Chill, boyfriend,
that was just my warm-up.

Really?

What're you gonna do
for your next short, uh

take out the snack bar?

What's the matter, Cass?
Afraid of a little competition?

[screeching]

[gasping]

Oops!

- Honey!
- Oh! Oh!

- Oh.
- Oh!

What's the matter with you?

Uh, I'm sorry. Oh.

[clattering]

Dana. Dana.
Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Honey, honey!
Honey, where're you going?

What's goin' on?
You're acting crazy.

Well, you don't seem to mind it
when Cassie acts crazy.

Is that what this is all about?

You're jealous of Cassie?

You're damn right
I'm jealous.

You spend every
free minute with her.

I guess, I thought if I could
just be funlike Cassie

then maybe you'd be interested
in spending some time with me.

Honey, I love you.

And love has nothing
to do with fun.

L-let me rephrase that, um..

Uh, when I hang out with Cassie

it's like hangin' out
with a best buddy.

You know, like, when
I hang out with J.T.

except without the body odor.

Really?

Yeah, really, honey..

...you are the only one for me.

Look, I'm sorry
if me hangin' out

with Cassie is making you sad.

She's my friend.

I like her.

But I love you.

Please don't ever change.

Oh, I think,
I just proved that I can't.

Well, then I am one lucky guy.

Come here.

Give your homelie some lovin'.

[instrumental music]

Honey, I thought I explained
this to you before.

I don't care if you don't know
how to play pool.

I've been practicing
and I wanna show you.

Oh, I've seen you play.

Believe me, you're
the only person who can turn

a game of pool
into a brush with death.

What's the matter?
Afraid I'm gonna beat you?

Oh, please.
I am a masterat pool.

I'll tell you what.
Let's make it interesting.

If I win, we don't have sex
until we're married.

If you win, tonight's the night.

Rack 'em up!

My turn now. Get out of here.

[singing in foreign language

Ha-ha-ha.

I win.

No, we both win.

- Bravo!
- I win.

Bravo!

- Bravo!
- I win. I win.

- Bravo!
- I win.

Bravo! Bravo! Bravo!

- Bravo.
- Not another dream, not again.

It can't be another dream.

[screams]
No!