Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 7, Episode 6 - Can't Buy Me Love - full transcript

[instrumental music]

Oh!

[panting]

Dana, um,
do you have to study in here?

I'm expecting guest.

Karen, it's not my fault
your friends can't stand

the sight of books.

I'm talking about
the pledge committee

for Delta Theta Zeta!

The hottest sorority on campus,
you know, DTZ.

You mean ditz?



The shallowest sorority
on campus.

Karen, all those girls
care about is hair

and clothes, and makeup.

That is not true.

Every year, they offer
makeovers to the homeless.

And I thought they had
no social conscience.

[doorbell ringing]

Oh, my God, the-the DTZ!

They are here!

Um, uh, Dana.

Could you..

...leave?

I don't want them to think
frumpiness runs in the family.

I'll tell them I'm adopted.



Oh, thanks.

Hi, Karen.
I'm Tiffani. This is Cindi.

I think you know
where we're from.

Of course, I do.
You're from Delta Theta Zeta.

You're the ultimate
all anyone could hope to be.

Pretty, perky and popular.

Well, we try and set an example.

Karen, we came to invite
you to our fall tea

where we're gonna announce
this year's pledges.

You mean it?
Oh, this is fantastic.

[giggling]

This is such an honor.

The chance to become
a Delta Theta Zeta

is the highlight of my life.

Really, and I thought
it was when you discovered

the vanity mirror in the car.

Well, goodbye, girls.

Oh, Dana, just a minute.

It's your lucky day, too.

We're also inviting you
to the pledge tea.

- You're kidding, right?
- No.

Oh, no. We'd love to have you
there Friday night.

Oh, and as one gal to another

you might wanna wear
a little blush.

You're looking pasty.

You know, Tiffani, um..

Why don't you take this
invitation and stuff--

Uh, Dana, uh..

What she means
is we'd love to come.

Excellent,
so we'll see you Friday night.

Until then remember our motto.

"I came, I saw.."

[in unison]
"I color coordinated."

[giggling]

- Bye.
- Bye-bye.

[scoffs]
Karen.

You're crazy
if you think I'm going

to the, the bimbo ball.

Dana, for some strange reason

the DTZ want you, too.

And if you insult the pledge
committee by not going

it'll hurt my chances.

Please, you've got
to be there Friday night.

Karen, I-I would rather go

skinny dipping
with Ted Kennedy, alright?

No, Dana. Wait, wait.

[sighs]
Okay.

Think of it this way.

If I get into DTZ

I'll probably move out

and live in the sorority house.

Which means, you'll have
twice as much closet space

and a real shot at getting
in the bathroom in the morning.

So, what time is the party?

Thanks.

[theme music]

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall ♪

♪ The stronger we stay ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ Second time around ♪♪

[instrumental music]

- Hi, honey.
- Oh, hi, sweetie.

Oh, geez,
what are you guys doin'?

Eh, check it out, Mr. L.

We're about to achieve
lunch meat nirvana.

- Cheers!
- No, you're not.

Hey, I'm eating here.

Not anymore, you parasite.

Oh, look,
there's enough food in here

to feed a family of eight.

Business keeps going
the way it is, it may have to.

Man, taking the food out
of your own kid's mouth.

That's cold.

You know,
you keep this up, Mr. L

I'm just gonna move back home
and start mooching off

my own parents.

Could I have
that in writing, please?

Frank, I know business has been
slow, but is it that bad?

Oh, honey, you know
how we've been livin' on

hamburger helper lately?

Well, if business keeps goin'
the way it is

we're gonna be living
on helper helper.

If I don't pick up a job soon,
I'm not gonna make

next month's payroll.

You know, there was a customer
at the salon today

who mentioned they are building
a new hotel up at the lake.

Yeah, I heard all about it.

It's some big shot developer

out of Chicago named McGowan.

He's not taking any bids

from the local contractors.

McGowan, Kevin McGowan?

- Yeah, I think that's his name.
- I know him!

He's from here.
I went to high school with him.

- You're kidding.
- You know what?

Maybe I could call him
and invite him

for dinner or something?

You think he'd remember you
after all these years?

Frank..

...I was prom queen,
homecoming queen

and head of the Pom-Pom Squad.

- What do you think?
- Yeah, you're right.

Those pom-poms
are pretty hard to forget.

I'll make my pot roast
and Kevin and I can

reminisce about high school,
and then, you know

when the time is right,
I'll just suddenly mention

what a great contractor you are.

- Oh, honey.
- Mm-hmm.

You're the most supportive,
wonderful wife

a guy could ask for.

- Mm-hmm, Frank!
- What?

You're crushing my pom-poms.

- Oh, sorry.
- No, no, no, I like it.

Oh.

[doorbell dings]

Mr. McGowan, I'm Frank Lambert.

- Call me Kevin. Carol!
- Call me..

- How are you?
- Oh!

- You look wonderful!
- Well, thank you. So do you.

You look the same now as you did
when you were in high school.

So do you.
Wow, you're still Mr. Charm?

- No, I am not kidding. Frank!
- Uh-huh!

She hasn't changed a bit
since she was crowned

queen of the
Cheddar Cheese Ball.

Oh, there's cheese ball?

But, you-you never told me that.

Well, I don't like to brag.

Actually, I was elected queen
of several dairy products.

Uh, say, Kevin,
I hear you're puttin' together

that big hotel out on the lake.

- Sure I am. Say, Frank.
- But I don't know--

Would you, would you open
that for me?

- And let it breathe?
- Oh, sure will.

Oh, it's an '82 Chateau Margaux

from my personal wine cellar.

Personal wine cellar. Hey.

I can relate to that.

I got a couple of six packs

in the basement myself.

Carol, tell me,
how do you stay so slim?

[Carol]
'Oh, you're just being nice.'

'Come, sit down.'

[Kevin]
'So, I'm in the end zone,
quarterback throws me the ball.'

Now, if I catch this,
we win the game.

Hits me in the helmet.
I don't even see it.

I'm too busy watching Carol
leading cheers on the sideline.

Talk about embarrassing.

I'm telling you, Frank,
every guy in high school

had a crush on her,
including me.

No, you didn't.
Did you? I didn't know that.

Of course, not. You didn't
even know I was alive back then.

Always wanted to talk to you,
but I was too chicken.

Oh, Kevin,
speaking of chicken.

You know, I built
the Cluck Bucket Restaurant.

Yeah, right out down
main street.

Flagship for the whole chain.

- Big bird on top.
- 'Really?'

- Yeah, and then I..
- Do you remember?

The time we stole the mascot
from Taft High?

Yeah, oh, oh, Kevin, you know
the-the rest stop out on 43?

- Mm-hmm.
- Built those stalls myself.

You know, paper right and left.

Well, you know, Kevin

Frank is really
a top-notch contractor.

And maybe you should
talk to him, you know.

He could help you out
with your hotel.

Frank, I'm sorry.
Where are my manners?

Carol and I have been
talking about old times.

- And you must be bored stiff.
- Duh!

Tell me, what would you
like to do on the project?

Uh..

Well, my crew and I
are pretty much drywall experts.

- Great. You got the job.
- Really?

- Mm-hmm.
- I mean, just like that?

You-you don't want me
to submit a bid or anything?

No, no. No need.

Any guy that's smart enough
to land this little lady

is smart enough
to work for me any day.

That is so great, Frank.
You got the job.

Hey, hey, that deserves a toast.
Here we go.

- Come on, everybody.
- Let me do it. Let me do it.

To Kevin, to Frank,
and to the new hotel.

- Hear, hear.
- Cheers.

Oh, that's good vino.

[burps]

[piano music]

[indistinct chattering]

Welcome to DTZ.

I'm Candi, with an I.

And I'm Dana, with a migraine.

[chuckles]

Here's your name tags.

Have fun.

And remember, smile.

If she's any dumber

they'd have to water her
twice a week.

Don't be so mean, Dana.

These girls
aren't as shallow as you think.

Hi!

Excuse me,
uh, what are you doing?

All of our pledges get measured.

We share clothes here.

Ooh! Attention ladies.

We have a perfect size two.

[applauding]

Oh, yeah. They're not shallow.

This place is a regular
think tank.

- Hi, girls.
- Hi, Tiffani.

Oh, what a terrific party.

And the house is so lovely.

Thank you, but if you really
wanna be impressed

upstairs, we have a new,
state of the art

facial and nail salon.

Is this heaven or what?

[laughing]

Come on, Dana,
let's go check it out.

Well, that's okay,
I think I'll just stay down here

and count nose jobs.

Dana, I'm so glad you came.

You are going to love it here.

[snapping fingers]

Uh, well, to tell you the truth,
Tiffani...with an I..

[chuckling]

Um, I'm not really
into the whole..

...sorority thing.

I just came with Karen.

Oh, Dana.

We really,
really want you to be a Delta.

I don't get it.
Why do you want me?

I mean,
you've got a whole roomful

of future spokesmodels

to choose from.

Well, we're looking
for diversity.

That's right!

In fact, we're pledging a girl

who has thick ankles.

Well, talk about
affirmative action.

You see, Dana..

...last year we lost
a couple of key sisters.

Pam and Molly Wu.

The Wu twins?

They were straight A students.

I know, and we're really
gonna miss them this year.

I think
I'm starting to get it now.

Your house
wouldn't be having a little

grade point average problem,
would it?

[chuckles]

Well, there is this little

silly academic rule

that says we have
to have a 2.0 average.

Like with these faces
and bodies

we need good grades
to have a future.

[scoffs]

[sighs]

Listen, I'm not interested
in propping up

the one thing that sags
around here, your GPA.

Well, that's a shame, Dana

because it's really gonna hurt
Karen's chances.

Yeah, the truth is,
we only invited her to get you.

[scoffs]
I don't believe this.

Well, you better.

'Cause if you don't join

no way Karen's getting in.

Spray me with that

you lose an arm.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Man! Chocolate, cheeses,
imported nuts.

This stuff is great.

Ooh, eat, drink,
and be merry, guys.

For tomorrow,
our faces break out.

[Rich]
Whoo-hoo!

[sighs]

Oh, my gosh. Who sent over
the Hickory Farm showroom?

Hey, that new boss of yours,
Kevin McGowan.

Man, Mr. L, you must be doin'
some major suckin' up.

"To the lovely
Carol and family."

Mmm! This isn't for me.
It's for the lovely Carol.

"And family."

I'm not sure I like this.

Look, dad,
the way I look at it

you're takin' the food
out of our mouth.

Now, McGowan is sending us
chocolates from other countries.

- I love this guy.
- Yeah, ha-ha! Me, too.

I wish Kevin McGowan
was our father.

Yeah.

Rich, you can't reject me
as a father.

You're not even my kid.

Ugh, Frank.

Look at the lovely bouquet

that Kevin McGowan sent me.

That is not a bouquet

that's a rose bowl float.

Well, he probably
just appreciated

having a home-cooked meal.

That's a lot of appreciation

for a pot roast
and a jello mold.

Mmm, tsk, don't make
a big deal out of it, Frank.

- Just relax and enjoy it.
- I can't relax, honey.

He's trying to show me up
in front of my family.

And he's doing a damn good job.

[instrumental music]

[piano music]

[fizz]

[gasps]

Ah, there you are.

Dana, aren't these just
the greatest bunch of girls?

Heh. Oh, I can't wait
to be a member here.

Karen...this place
isn't right for you.

Hello!

Do the words
"In-house manicurist"

mean anything?

[scoffs]
Come on, Karen.

Let's get out of here.

Uh.. Hey!

No, you go if you want to,
but I'm staying here

and becoming a pledge.

No, you're not.

What are you talking about?

Karen, I hate to tell you this

but it's not you
they really want.

They want me.

[scoffs]
Please, your shoes
don't even match your purse.

Yeah, but my A average
will bring up the house GPA.

Tiffani told me
that they need me to join

or else they are
gonna lose their charter.

[indistinct chattering]

But they invited me, too.

To get to me.

Karen, you-you don't,
you don't need these girls.

- Karen, come on.
- Hey, wait up. Dana, wait!

Dana,
we're now seeing the pledges.

Are you in or out?

Let me tell you something.

You know..

...as a matter of fact..

...let me tell
all you ditzessomething.

You think
that just because you're pretty

and you smell good that you can
treat people like dirt.

Well, here's a newsflash,
bimbos.

I don't care
how good your cheek bones are

I think you're a bunch of cruel

manipulative airheads.

So, goodbye, and good luck

future aerobics
instructors of America.

[all gasping]

And one more thing.
You can kiss my GPA.

[Cindi gasps]

[instrumental music]

Ugh!

Karen, are you alright?

I was worried about you.

If you were so worried about me

why did it take you
an hour to get back?

'Cause when you stormed out,
you took the car.

Sorry, I was just so upset.

I know.

What are you doing
with all of your stuff?

Ugh. I'm getting rid of it all.

Makeup

designer clothes..

...my epilady.

Everything.

Just because
you didn't get into DTZ.

Karen, that is ridiculous.

There's no point
in being beautiful anymore.

It's a total waste of my time.

As God is my witness

I will neverexfoliate again.

No!

Not the loofah!

Karen..

...I think you are taking this
way too hard.

You don't understand.

[sighs]
This was part of my life plan.

I would grow up beautiful.

Join a beautiful sorority.

Meet a beautiful
fraternity guy.

Marry him
and-and live beautifully

ever after.

So, what? So, now your
life of beauty is ruined?

Yeah, might as well
be plain like you.

I know you're hurting,
so I'll let that one go.

But, Karen,
you are so much better

than those shallow airheads.

Come on, be honest.

I'm pretty shallow myself.

But there are different levels
of shallowness.

Like sometimes, you act like all
you care about is looking good.

But I know
that underneath it all

you are a sweet caring person.

See, the difference between
you and those sorority snobs

is that you not only look good

you are good.

You really think
I'm a good person?

Of course, I do.

[chuckles]
Thanks, Dana.

[sighs]
So, do you wanna..

...you know,
put all this stuff away?

Um, well, not the things
that actually touched the floor.

You can give those
to charity. Mmm.

[instrumental music]

[doorbell dings]

- Oh, Kevin, hi.
- Hi.

Gee, if you're looking for
Frank, he's not here right now.

Actually, I came to see you.

Brought you a little something.

Oh, Kevin, you've given us
enough already. Really.

My kids are the only ones
in school with peanut butter

and caviar sandwiches.

Now, this is something special.

Just for you.

[sighs]

Um..

Oh, my! Wow.

[chuckles]

Are this, uh, real diamonds?

Sure are.

[sighs]
It's beautiful, uh..

- I can't take that.
- Why not?

Because I'm a married woman.

Yeah, but that doesn't mean
you can't accept a gift or..

...or that we can't spend
some time together.

Trust me, now that Frank's
gonna work on my hotel

he's gonna be a very busy man.

You should go.

Oh, Carol,
don't be so small town.

Small town?
That is so insulting.

Honey, I..

Hey, Kevin.
What are you doing here?

He's just leaving.

Whoa, what's that?

It's, just a little gift
for Carol.

It's no big deal.

You can't give something
like that to my wife.

R-relax, to a guy like me

this is just a little
token of friendship.

Well, to a guy like me

that's stepping over the line.

Way over, and I don't like it.

Easy, Frank, remember..

...I'm still the boss.

Oh, I get it,
you're the boss

so you can do
whatever the hell you want to?

Just a little friendly reminder.

I haven't signed
your contract yet.

Well, I'll tell you what, Kevin.

You can take your contract
and shove it where the sun

don't shine no more,
and I'm not talking about

your personal little
wine cellar.

Now, get out.

You're making
a big mistake, Frank.

I can live with that.

The nerve of that jerk!

Yeah, well, come to think of it,
he was a jerk

in high school, too.

[sighs]
Well, honey.

I'm unemployed again.

Back to square one.

Hey, we'll get by.
We always do.

Yeah, but you deserve better
than to just get by.

You deserve flowers,
and chocolates

and diamond bracelets.

I don't care about any of that.

All I want is you.

I won't give up
what we have for anything.

- I love you.
- I love you, too.

[both chuckles]

- Well, I'm out of a job.
- Yup.

Mm-hmm. And we are
runnin' out of money.

Yep.

So, looks like
we're gonna have to

tighten our belts again
for a while.

- No, problem.
- 'You know wha-ha..'

'Oh, honey,
I said tighten my belt. Ha-ha!'

[instrumental music]

Hey, Carol,
these just came for you.

Oh, pfft.

[sighs]
"To the most beautiful woman
in the world

from your busy builder."

That McGowan creep
just doesn't give up, does he?

Yeah, what a jerk,
he sent you flowers

and doesn't even throw in
a gift basket.

Wanna see what I think
of these flowers?

This is what I think

of these flowers.

- Hey, Carol, honey.
- Yeah.

Hey, great news.

I got a job. I'm gonna be
working the next three months.

[gasps]
That is wonderful! Mmm.

So, what do you think
of your busy builder now, huh?

Oh! Oh, you're-you're
my busy builder?

- Yeah. Did you get my flowers?
- Yeah.

Yeah.

[mellow music]

Well, you don't get much
for 20 bucks anymore, do you?