Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 7, Episode 5 - Poetic Justice - full transcript

[instrumental music]

Thank you,
Professor Thompson.

Actually,
I'm not a professor, Karen.

I'm just a teaching assistant.

Well, the way you dress,
you should be a professor.

I mean, you obviously
have your Ph.D. in fashion.

Well, thank you.

And from now on,
why don't you just..

...call me Jace?

Jace. Cool.

Can we please
get on with this?



I have an appointment
with the rest of my life.

So, what did Jace
give you on your poem?

An A.

[scoffs]
I can't believe
he gave you an A

and me a B.

Well, I wrote a good poem

and I guess
he found it very moving.

Really?

"The mall
is where I spend my day

"from pretzel stand
to lingerie.

"Shoes and purses,
the choice is hard.

"Oh, heck, put them all

on my credit card."

Yeah, yeah,
this is moving, alright



like bran.

Let me see what you wrote.

"Darkness.

"Anguish.

"My sorrow is a moat

"that has no bridge.

"Abandoned on an island
of cold pain.

The agony of life."

Dana, this poem is like watching
your puppy get run over.

At least, my poem was fun.

Karen,
I hate to break it to you

but the only reason
you got an A

is because
Thompson wants you.

Get out.

You're just jealous
because my poem rhymed

and yours didn't.

Karen, the guy does everything
but howl when you walk by.

I mean, o-on the way out,
I practically had

to step over his tongue.

Look, if-if you're accusing me
of being irresistible to men..

[sighs]

...then I have to plead guilty
as charged.

It is a burden that only I

and a small handful
of supermodels understand.

[sighs]
See?

[theme music]

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall ♪

♪ The stronger we stay ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Oh, Frank, we've gotta
stop making so many phone calls.

Oh, geez. Look at this. Okay.

Who made a $28 phone call
to New Zealand?

New Zealand?

Sorry, dad, that was me.

I was trying to get
a hold of that big babe

who plays
"Xena, The Warrior Princess."

Yeah, well,
you better cough up 28 bucks

or you're gonna have to deal
with Carol, the warrior Lambert.

[doorbell rings]

I'll get it.

Amanda Dank.
What are you doing here?

Well, I ain't selling
girl scout cookies.

Can I come in? I'm freezing
my buns off out here.

Wow. A mother and a father?

Don't see too much
of that anymore.

Um, everybody,
this is Amanda Dank.

I go to school with her.

Not this week, Lambert.
Suspended.

Oh, nice to meet you.

I'm, uh, Carol Lambert.
What brings you by?

I'm here to peep my squeeze.

Peep your squeeze?

[chuckles]

Isn't that, uh,
something you should only let

your dermatologist do?

[laughing]

I'm here to pick up Mark.

Mark?

We're, like, dating.

Oh. I think
there's some mistake.

Our Mark is a quiet,
conservative boy.

Yo, yo, yo!
Mark Foster's in the house.

Yo, yo, yo!
There's a nerd in the hood.

Hey, sugar mamma,
you look sassed.

Throw it back at you,
home slice.

What the hell are they sayin'?

I see you guys met Amanda.

Uh, yes, Mark.

We met su-su-sugar mamma.

I don't know
if I've mentioned this or not

but Amanda and I
are kinda been hangin'

for the last couple of days.

Oh, so you're the peep
she's been squeezin'.

Mark, did you pierce your ear?

Uh, mom, don't worry about it.

It's, it's a clip on.

[grunts]

Come on. Let's go ciao.

You got it, babe.

- Later.
- Later.

Oh, I don't like her.

She is much too wild for Mark.

The cafeteria lady
is much too wild for Mark.

Did-did-did you see her face?
She gives me the creeps.

She looked like she just fell
head first in a tackle box.

Well, that's it.
I'm gonna go out there.

- I'm gonna go drag him back.
- No, no. Why, Carol?

No, no.
Honey, you can't do that.

- He hadn't done anything wrong.
- Oh, really?

Well, he's wearing my earring

and he's dressed up like

that Snoopy Dog, dog guy.

M-Mark's a good kid, honey.
Yeah, he is responsible.

We have to trust him
to do the right thing.

[instrumental music]

[keys clanking]

Oh, Frank. Any sign of Mark?

No, and I looked everywhere.

There's nobody out on the street
except that big, fat guy

who thinks he's Marlon Brando.

I never should've
listened to you.

"Oh, Mark is a good kid."

"He's responsible.
We can trust him."

What a sock
full of manure that was.

- Carol, just try and relax.
- Relax? I can't, Frank.

I can't, while he's out there
with Patty Pin-cushion.

[door opens]

Oh, Mark. Oh, thank goodness.

Oh, my baby. Oh.

Where the hell have you been?

Hangin', chillin', maxin'.

"Hangin', chillin', maxin'?"

Y-you wanna let us
have that in English, please?

Amanda and I went out to eat
and then we stopped

at a couple of coffee houses.

No biggie.

"No biggie?"

You are hours past your curfew.

Do you have any idea
what time it is?

Guys,
time is such a lame concept.

Lame? Well, let me
give you a time concept

you can understand!

You are grounded
for the next two weeks!

And all the chillin'
and hangin' you'll be doin'

will be done in your room.

[scoffs]
Oh, man.

Major Buzzkill.

Yeah, well,
if I knew what that meant

you'll be grounded
for another two weeks!

[instrumental music]

"Whirling, turning

"swirling into nothingness.

'"Unrequited love'

'"like some stale, pathetic'

'"retched wind'

"blows over the husk

"of my forlorn

empty soul."

That was very interesting, Dana.

Uh, are you on
some kinda medication?

No.

Maybe you should be.

Uh, Karen,
let's hear your latest one.

You've always got something
thought provoking.

[clears throat]

This is called "Tears"

by me, Karen Foster.

"Lipstick colors, red and pink.

"I dropped mascara in the sink.

"It splashes back
right in my eye

"and makes me really
want to cry.

"But I don't cry,
or turn to mush

'cause I still have
to put on blush."

[applauding]

[Jace]
'Excellent. Excellent, Karen.'

You always manage to capture

the turmoil of youth
and...femininity.

This guy should come
with his own shovel.

Well, that's all
we have time for today.

I've graded your last poems

so pick 'em up on your way out.

[indistinct chattering]

Uh, Karen. Could I talk to you
for a minute?

Oh, no problem.
My next class is lunch.

You know,
I really enjoy having you here.

You're a terrific person

and very talented.

Another A?

Oh, wow, this is great.

Thank you so much.

You know, we could celebrate

by having dinner tonight.

I don't think so.

If we go out together

then that would kinda be
like a date.

And I'm uncomfortable
with that.

Are you sure?

I-I guarantee
you'll have a good time.

I'm sure.

But thanks, anyway.

Well, I-I think
you're making a big mistake.

Why?

[Jace]
That's why.

[gasps]

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

[thudding]

[panting]

Darn it all to heck!

[grunts]

"Darn it all to heck?"

Excuse my French,
but I am really steamed.

That creep Mr. Thompson

gave me a D on my last poem.

Really? Which one was that?

Was it your, uh,
"Ode to Nail Polish?"

No. My sonnet on "Sweaters."

Oh, yes. "Sweaters of cashmere.
Sweaters of wool.

I'm not happy
till my sweater drawer's full."

A D, huh? Huh!

Guess there is some justice
in the world after all.

Oh, it's not about justice.

You wanna know
why he gave me a D?

Because your poetry sucks
like a shot back?

No.

Because he asked me
out on a date

and I told him
I wasn't interested.

[gasps]
I knew it.

I knewthat lowlife
was gonna make a move.

It's not fair.

You're damn right,
it's not fair.

The only reason
he was giving you A's

was because he thinks
you're beautiful.

Well, actually,
I-I was okay with that.

Yeah, I know you were,
but that doesn't make it

right for him to hit on you.
I mean, he is a teacher.

And sexual harassment
is against the law.

Not to mention, my law.

Don't mess with my sister.

Then what are we gonna do?

[sighs]

We're gonna nail
Professor Horndog.

Alright. You got a plan?

- I'm working on it.
- Great.

What should I wear?

[instrumental music]

[knocking on window]

Mark.

Psst.

[knocking on window]

Amanda?

It's the middle of the night.
What are you doing here?

Cleaning your gutters.
What do you think I'm doing?

Just get out of my way.

Hey, listen, man,
there's a secret all night rave

at a meat-packing plant
in Milwaukee.

Really?
So you, like, dance..

...near meat.

I-is that safe?

All I know is
it's totally cool.

Loud bands, lights, the works.

Come on, let's hit it.

Who, me?
Oh, no, no, no. Forget it.

That's out of the question.
I'm grounded.

I couldn't possibly go..

Okay. I'll go.

Excellent. You drive.

Drive? I can't drive.

Number one,
I have terrible night vision.

I get car sick, and I don't even
have a driver's license. I..

Okay, I'll drive.

Cool. Let's grab the truck
in the driveway.

Oh, no, no, no.
That's a big no.

That-that's Frank's truck.
He'll..

He'll kill me
if I take that..

Well, no one lives forever.

- I'll be right back.
- Where are you goin'?

To take out my retainer.

I don't want to get caught
on that lip ring.

[doorbell ringing]

- Oh, my God. It's the police.
- The police?

- Hey, Frank, Carol.
- Yeah.

Sorry to bother you so late,
I, um..

...brought a little
somethin' home.

- 'Mark!'
- 'Mark?'

You're supposed to be up
in your room asleep.

Asleep? Oh, that's it.

I, I must've been sleepwalking.

Oh, please.

Frank, I caught him
in your truck

driving down I-94
with Amanda Dank.

Sleep driving.
Did I say sleep walking?

I, I meant sleep driving.

Sleep driving on a date?

So the girl wasn't a dream.

[Carol]
Oh, Mark!

Alright, I'm guilty.

Thanks for bringin' him home,
Wally.

We-we'll take it from here,
if you don't mind.

Yeah, and trust me,
we'll do things to him

the law never even thought of.

Wait, wait.
Take me downtown. Book me.

Scum like me belongs in a cage.

[chuckles]
Nice try, kid.

[siren wailing]

Hey, Dank! Cut that out!

- Get over here.
- Ow, ow, ow..

What were you thinking?

We grounded you, and you have
the nerve to steal Frank's truck

and go God-knows-where
with that wild girl?

What were you planning
for your next date?

Knocking over an armored car?

Honey, I think
you're a little upset

to deal with this rationally.
You wanna let me handle it?

Yes. That's a good idea, Frank.

I'll just stand back here
and you can do all the talking.

Okay.

Um, Mark, listen.

The terrible thing
about this now is that..

...you broke the law.

I mean, you could've hurt
yourself, you could've hurt

Amanda, or anybody else
out there on the road.

Yeah, what were
you thinking, Mark?

What if you lost control
of the truck, flipped over

and ended up in a ditch
with that little b..

- 'Carol!'
- Bad girl?

Carol, you asked me
to handle this.

Well, then handle it, Frank.

[clamoring]

Mom.

- Mom!
- What?

I'm really sorry, and..

...I know what I did was wrong.

Well, Mark..

...sorry just isn't good enough.

I know that,
but, when it comes to Amanda

I'm...confused, I'm weak.

I'm a TV movie
waiting to happen.

Mark, don't you see
what happened here?

You gave away the most important
thing you have to Amanda.

No, no, no.
I didn't, I swear.

All we did was kiss.

I'm not talkin' about that.

I'm talkin' about control.

And once you go against
your own judgment

and let someone else make
decisions for you

you're in trouble.

You can't let your hormones
cloud your common sense.

I know that, and..

...I'm really sorry.

You handled
that very well, Frank.

Now, can I ground him?

Go for it.

You are grounded
for one month.

- A month?
- A month.

[sighs]

Okay. I deserve it.

Oh, by the way.

If it, uh,
makes you feel any better

I've, I've decided not to go out
with Amanda anymore.

Because she got you
in so much trouble?

No, because she wanted me
to get my nipples pierced.

- Oh. Oh!
- Ow..

[instrumental music]

Now, Karen, remember.

If we wanna nail this jerk
for sexual harassment

you need to keep him talking

until he says something
incriminating.

Got it?
And I will get it on tape.

This is so exciting.

I feel like, "Buffy,
the Mean Teacher Slayer."

Karen, this is important.
Okay?

- Now, focus!
- Okay. Alright.

- 'Ow!'
- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

[Jace]
'Okay, Bob.
I'll see you at Hooters.'

- He's coming. Okay.
- Go, go.

[whistling]

- 'Hello.'
- Karen, you wanted to see me?

Y-yes, I did.

Come here, come here.

I was thinking about
what you said the other day.

'And, uh, I-I've got to admit.'

At first, I was a little
uncomfortable with the idea

but, now
that I've thought about it

'maybe you're right.'

'Maybe we should go out.'

- Oh, no.
- 'I was hoping you'd say that.'

I just wanna get
this straight.

If I do go out with you

my grades will go from D's

back to A's?

I think you got the picture.

Ha, you bet
we've got the picture.

You're busted now

you poetry pervert.

We've got the whole sleazy
come on on tape.

Right, Dana?

Yup, we got it all on tape.

Boy, are you busted!

You-you two were taping me?

That's unethical.

Hah, you have the nerve

to talk about ethics

after you try and harass me

into going out with you?

Well, at least,
I know I'm the last girl

you're gonna do this to.

- Let's show him the tape, Dana.
- Uh..

I don't think
we need to do that.

We don't gotta
sink to his level.

Yes, we do, Dana.

I wanna show him
what a creep he is.

- Give me the camera.
- Uh, maybe later.

I got a dental appointment.
Let's go.

Wait a minute.

Come back here.

Come on, girls.

You don't have a thing
on that tape, do you?

Of course, we do.

We've got every
incriminating word.

Don't we?

Well, not, not every word.

What do we have?

"Hello."

The battery died before
I could get anything else.

Oh, this is great.

You thought you had me.

[scoffs]
Uh..

You two ditzes
actually got me to admit

that I was willing
to give Karen A's

if she'd go out with me.

Then you didn't get it on tape
because your battery was dead?

How lame are you?

Not as lame as you.

See what I didn't mention
was that I changed the battery

while I was in the cabinet.

So, we two "ditzes"

didn't get
your first confession on tape.

But we just got every word

of the last one in close up.

Hey, you wanna see it,
before we show it to the dean

and the board
of the university, Jace?

Okay.

Fine.

- So, you got me.
- 'Um-hm.'

But there is something
I wanna say before I go.

Your poetry stinks.

Oh, yeah?

Well, try this one on for size.

"Being a teacher,
you should be trusted.

"Then toward your student,
you actually lusted.

"So because you're a sleaze ball

you just got busted."

I just made that up.

[both chuckles]

[sighs]
You know, Karen.

[sighs]
Your poetry is really
starting to grow on me.

[instrumental music]

Now watch carefully.

The dean went crazy
when he saw this part.

[Dana on TV]
'Not as lame as you.'

'See, what I didn't mention
was that I changed the battery'

'while I was in the cabinet.'

'So, we two "ditzes" didn't get'

'your first confession on tape'

'but we just got every word'

'of the last one in close up.'

'You wanna see it,
before we show it to the dean'

'and the board
of the university, Jace?'

Ooh..

Hey, congratulations, girls.

You really nailed that guy.

- Yeah, way to go.
- 'Oh, isn't it great?'

- What in the world is that?
- 'Argh!'

'I've heard tales
about mermaids..'

It's some weirdo
dressed up like a pirate.

It's not just any weirdo,
it's Frank.

And if I'm not mistaken

that's the lovely Mrs. L
dressed as a mermaid.

Whoa. Oh, no, no, no.

[theme music]