Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 7, Episode 15 - The Half Monty - full transcript
J.T. and Rich need money to take the girls on a ski trip, so they decide to make some quick money as male strippers. Carol and Frank are asked to share their marriage secrets with a group at their church.
[instrumental music]
Oh, J.T.?
Do you realize
what month it is?
I don't know.
One of the cold ones?
No, not just
one of the cold ones.
It's February.
Do you know what that means?
Yeah, it means this milk
is three weeks old.
No, no, no. For-forget about
the milk for a second.
We promised Sam and Dana,
we'd take 'em on a ski trip
next weekend.
- Oh, it's that February?
- Yeah, you bonehead.
Did you save any money
for it at all?
Well, let's see, including what
I got in my checking account
college fund
and savings and wallets
two dollars
and a coupon for a corn dog.
Listen, man, don't sweat it.
We promised Sam and Dana
that trip months ago.
If we forgot about it,
maybe they forgot about it, too.
Snow Mountain Inn, here we come.
Look, guys.
The ski shop at the mall
was a having a sale
so we got everything we need
for our trip next week.
Are you guys
as excited as we are?
We're just dripping
with excitement.
- Yeah.
- Just dripping.
Look.
We are totally outfitted.
Snow bunnies.
Sam.
Sorry. Snow women.
Hmm, but, honey, aren't you
gonna be a little cold
on the slopes in this?
I mean, gee..
Put your tongue back
in your mouth, J.T.
It's not mine.
It's a present.
We got this
for our friend Becky.
She's having a bridal shower
this weekend.
Come on, Sam, let's go
try on all of our new stuff.
Great idea!
I can't wait to go skiing.
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, neither can we.
- Ah!
- We are excited!
We are just pumped.
[laughs nervously]
We are screwed.
Don't sweat it, man.
We only need $400 a piece.
There's gotta be a job
in here somewhere
where we can make
some quick money.
[groans]
Yup! Like this.
Look, I hate to burst
your bubble, but I'm pretty sure
you need more formal training
to become a neurosurgeon.
Not that, this! Look.
"Club Booty proudly announces
"its annual
male stripper contest.
First prize, one thousand
bucks." That's it, that's it!
That's how we're gonna
get the money.
So you're saying
we should rob Club Booty?
No, I'm saying
we should become male strippers.
Oh! I think we have a better
shot at becoming neurosurgeons.
[theme song]
♪ Step by step ♪
♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪
♪ A fresh start over ♪
♪ A different hand to play ♪
♪ The deeper we fall ♪
♪ The stronger we stay ♪
♪ We'll make it better ♪
♪ The second time around ♪♪
[theme music]
[instrumental music]
[doorbell rings]
[sighs]
♪ Na-na-na-na-na ♪♪
[laughing]
Lilly, that is
the third time today.
Now, knock it off.
[sighs]
[doorbell rings]
Okay, okay,
now you are really in trouble
you little..
Uh, reverend.
Hi, Carol. Rough day?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I usually don't scream at
close personal friends of God.
- Please, come in.
- I'd love to.
Gosh, uh, I'm really sorry,
we missed church on Sunday
but if it does help,
we did catch
"Touched By An Angel."
Oh, me, too.
That Roma Downey is a fox.
Uh, uh, but I'm not here
to discuss TV.
Oh, well, please then,
come on in, sit down.
Oh, thanks, but I'm only
gonna stay a minute.
Carol, I've noticed over
the years that you and Frank
have one of the most stable,
loving relationships
in our congregation.
You're kidding?
I-I mean, thank you.
And because of that I think you
two would make great role models
for some of the young couples
at our church
who are planning
to get married.
What could we do to help?
Well, I'd like to bring
three couples
over Monday night,
let them learn
from you and Frank
what it takes
to keep a marriage together
in today's world.
Well,
Frank and I'd be thrilled.
- We'll see you on Monday night.
- Great.
You know, if this works out
we have a young parents
mentoring program
we'd like you to help us with
because you've raised
some wonderful,
wonderfulchildren.
[sighs]
Well, thank you again.
♪ Na-na-na-na-na ♪♪
[blowing raspberry]
[chuckles]
Neighbor kids.
[instrumental music]
Come on, Rich.
Please don't make me
do this, man.
Come on.
No, look, look, look.
They're gonna,
they're gonna laugh at us.
What makes you say that?
I've seen you naked.
Lighten up, Rich.
We're in Port Washington.
How tough
can the competition be?
[indistinct chatter]
Okay, that's it.
Let's get out of here.
Compared to this
herd of beef cake
we're total losers.
No, we're not.
We're just different.
Just think of us
as the other white meat.
Alright, gentlemen, listen up.
Hey, you two,
are you the plumbers I called
for the backed-up toilet?
Wait, wait, wait.
We're not plumbers.
We're male strippers. Okay?
We're eye candy, boy toys.
Every woman's fantasy.
But in case
you don't see us like that
how much does,
uh, fixin' the toilet pay?
Rich, forget the toilet, okay?
Are you gonna allow us
to try out for this contest
or do we have to go
over your head?
Okay, alright.
You wanna try out
for the contest?
Fine, be my guest.
Gentlemen, strike the pose
and lose the clothes.
Yes! Let me help you
get this off--
Yeah, yeah,
I can do it myself.
Alright, meat.
Listen up.
This is the results.
'Number one, you're in.'
'Number two, goodbye.'
'Number three and four,
you're good.'
'Number five'
'go back to the farm.'
'Number six, you're in.'
'Number seven and eight.'
Number seven and eight
this is a strip show,
not a side show.
'Get lost!'
W-w-w-wait,
what are you? Blind?
We're pros, we're practically
legends in this business.
Have you ever heard
of a little town called Vegas?
- Yeah.
- So have we.
Can we be in the contest?
Hit the road, you morons.
- Well, hold on, boss.
- What?
Why not put 'em in?
They'll be good
for a couple of laughs.
And besides, when they're on
it'll give the chicks
a chance to go to the can.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Alright, Beavis and Butt-Head,
you're in.
- Yes!
- Oh, my God.
[instrumental music]
- Hi, honey.
- Hello, sweetie.
Oh, boy, do I have great news.
- Me, too. But you go first.
- Okay.
You know Vinnie Grogan?
- My concrete guy?
- Uh-huh.
Well, he just got
a new 60-inch TV.
And he invited a bunch
of us guys over to his place
to watch the Bucks-Bulls game
next Monday.
Isn't that great?
Absolutely, that's terrific.
But you can't go.
Uh, why can't I go?
Because Monday night,
Reverend Fielder is bringing
some engaged couples over here
so we can talk to them
about how to have
a happy marriage.
Yeah, well,
take my word for it, honey.
If I don't get to see this game
we're not gonna have
a whole lot to talk about.
But this thing is already set.
Yes, without asking me first.
Honey, I've been lookin' forward
to this game.
Look, I got
all stocked up for it.
I got my double cheese nachos.
I, I got my imported beer
and I got my purple
"Go, Bucks" big finger.
Go Bucks! Go Bucks! Go Bucks!
Bucks, Bucks, Bucks, Bucks.
Bucks, Bucks, Bucks, Bucks.
Bucks.
You know, I'm tempted
to tell you what to do
with that finger.
Frank, it's just a game.
I think you can give up
one night of basketball
to help do God's work.
Take it from me, God is gonna be
watchin' that game
with the rest of us guys.
And I happen to know
he is a Bucks fan.
Frank, the class
willbe here on Monday.
I promise the reverend
we would help him
and I'm not gonna break
our promise.
Well, fine then,
you do whatever you wanna do.
I'm gonna be watchin' the game
on a 60-inch set.
No, you're not,
you're gonna be here
and you're gonna be nice
and you're gonna smile.
You're gonna show those couples
what a happy marriage is like
if it kills us both!
Well then,
we'll see about that, won't we?
You know, jeez, you got me
so upset I forgot my finger.
Alright, come on.
Give me the finger.
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
Alright, feel the music.
Yeah, feel that burn, baby.
Get into it, yes.
Alright, babe, we're gonna do
that belt thing on three, okay?
It's gonna drive the chicks
wild. On three, okay?
- Yeah.
- One, two, three.
[both groan]
- Ow.
- Ow.
There's gotta be an easier way
to make some money.
We're not gonna win this
stupid contest.
[knocking on the door]
Oh, yes, we are,
because our secret weapon
has just arrived.
- Our secret weapon?
- Yup.
Behind this door..
..is the world's greatest
living male stripper.
Hi.
- Hey, J.T.
- Moose, what's up?
Yeah.
What the hell is that?
Relax, that's Moose.
He works for my dad.
- As a male stripper?
- No, as a construction guy.
But he used to be
a male stripper. Right, Moose?
Well, I hate to brag,
but, uh, 20 years ago
when I played Vegas
I had more money in my G-string
than all the crap tables
in town.
You guys ready to get down
with your..
...bad selves?
Absolutely, Moose. We're puttin'
ourselves totally in your hands.
Well, that's good,
because I got more moves
than United Van Lines.
Uh, hit the music
and, uh, do what I do.
[instrumental music]
Oh, no, that's just stupid.
Oh, come on.
There's no wayI'm doing that.
- Ugh.
- What did you just say?
I said,
you're poetry in motion, sir.
That's what I thought you said.
Now you shake your goofy..
...or I'll shake it for you.
Good, now put some
Elvis in your pelvis.
Some Jagger in your swagger
and put some
Hootie in your Blowfish.
Easy there, big guy.
Now it's time to flash the grin
and show some skin.
[music continues]
Frank, thanks to you
the reverend is stalling
with bad jokes.
Will you just get back in there?
Don't start with me, Carol.
I'm supposed to be watchin'
this game on a 60-inch set
and I'm trying to pick it up
on an Etch A Sketch.
I don't care,
this is the third time
you've ducked outta there
in ten minutes.
The reverend and those couples
think you have
some kind of terrible
bladder infection.
Oh, hey, that's great,
then I'll stay in here
and watch the game, you tell 'em
I'm down at the drugstore
getting some adult diapers.
Frank, if you don't
get back in there
the next time we make love
you'll be old enough
to need adult diapers.
[grunts]
Well, we're back.
You know, Frank, I, uh
I had a little bladder problem
myself last year.
May I suggest two things.
Prayer and cranberry juice.
I'll keep that in mind.
Okay, let's continue.
You three couples
are about to embark
on wedded bliss yourselves.
I'm sure you have many questions
for this happily married couple.
Uh, Gordon, why don't you get
the ball rolling?
Okay. Um..
Donna and I
love each other very much
but we have this problem.
I'm kind of a quiet guy,
but she always wants me
to share my feelings.
I'll be honest with you.
I don't have that many feelings.
Well, you get used to that
tell-me-your-feelings thing,
Gordon.
That goes on forever.
- Really?
- Oh, absolutely.
But you want me to tell you
what's really gonna bend
your crank?
It's when your wife keeps
volunteering you for things
without having the courtesy
to ask you first.
[chuckles]
Well, I'd never do that.
Of course, you wouldn't.
Get back to me
after the honeymoon, Gordo.
Well, that's just Frank's
sense of humor.
Which, by the way,
you ladies are gonna need
because sometimes your husbands
will act a tad, uh..
...shall we say immature?
[laughs]
Right, honey?
That's right,
you guys act immature
because your wives act
more like your mommies
and won't let you watch the game
you bought
the special nachos for.
You know, folks, in Corinthian--
I think what Frank
is trying to say--
Oh, did I fail to mention
that sometimes they not only
volunteer you for things
but they speak for you as well?
That's because a lot of times
when husbands talk, what comes
out is really, really stupid.
Ha-ha. Let me tell you
about stupid--
- 'I'll tell you..'
- Yes, well..
I think that just about covers
communication and honesty.
What do you say
we move on to respect?
- There's foreign soil for you.
- I'd like a little respect.
- 'She doesn't know..'
- 'I'd like a little respect.'
[instrumental music]
[crowd cheering]
- Check, please.
- Man, this is so cool.
Three hundred chicks would have
paid to see me naked.
Is this a great country or what?
I don't think
I can go through with this.
I'm afraid when I get out there
I'm gonna wet my pants.
Not a problem, Rich,
because in two minutes
you won't be wearing any pants.
That doesn't help at all.
[all cheering]
Oh, this is disgusting.
If I had known the bridal shower
was gonna end up
at a sleazy meat market
like this
I never would have come.
Really?
I would have stopped
at the bank for more singles.
Yeah, Dana, lighten up.
I mean, this is Becky's
last chance
to have a kick-butt
girls night out
before she gets married.
Gee, I only have a twenty.
I hope the dancers carry change.
If they do, I hate to think
where they might be hiding it.
[crowd cheering]
Alright.
Ain't that somethin'?
How about that?
Yeah, that went marvelous.
Ride 'em cowboys, huh, ladies?
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
Now we got
a couple of local boys.
Now these are pure amateurs
who I swear have never been
in a strip contest before.
And I guarantee after tonight
they will never be
in another one.
[laughs]
You guys get out there
and just shake your booty.
- Ow.
- Whoa.
Make mamma proud.
[chuckles]
Get 'em!
Alright, ladies,
give it up for..
...The Handymen.
[crowd cheering]
Oh, my God!
[crowd booing]
[upbeat music]
- Uh, Rich!
- J.T.!
Hey, easy, baby,
touching costs extra.
[groans]
Hey!
Sam, what are you doing
in a strip club?
Keeping my clothes on.
Which is more than
I can say for you.
Uh, hi, honey.
This, uh, isn't what
it looks like.
Really, Rich? It looks to me
like you're about to get naked
for a bunch of howling,
horny women.
Oh, okay, so it is
what it looks like.
But honestly,
we're doing this for you.
[crowd yelling]
Yeah, great.
Seriously. We're trying to get
money for the ski trip.
Please, excuse us.
We didn't wanna disappoint you.
So you're willing
to totally embarrass
and degrade yourselves
in public for us?
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
That is the most beautiful thing
I've ever heard.
Alright, let's bring back
the cowboys.
[crowd cheering]
Oh, look,
everyone here hates us.
The ski trip's off.
We might as well just quit.
No, no, keep dancing. Wait.
Ladies, ladies, now
we're gonna try something
a little different.
- Uh, do you like these guys?
- No!
Do you wanna see them
take their clothes off?
[all]
No!
Are you willing to pay them
to keep their clothes on?
[all]
Yes!
Then show me the money!
[crowd cheering]
[instrumental music]
You wanna know
what really ticks me off?
It's when you hog the covers
and I freeze my butt all night.
I need the covers
to pull over my head
to drown out the sound
of your snoring.
- I do not snore!
- Yes, you do!
And that's the nicest sound
you make in bed!
Well, if you wouldn't put cheese
on everything you cook.
- 'Then I wouldn't have--'
- 'Hey, pal!'
We live in the Cheese State.
Get used to it.
Yeah, well,
then you get used to it.
Well, I, I think this could be
a good stopping place.
Maybe we could have
some refreshments.
I know I'd kill for a beer.
You know what? Uh..
Before we break,
there's something
I'd like to say.
Donna, I-I love you
but I'm not sure
we should get married anymore.
What?
I mean, with all due respect
if Frank and Carol
are the happiest couple
in Port Washington
I'd hate to see
the ones who don't get along.
Hey, come on, that's ridiculous.
Gordo, you got
the whole wrong idea here.
I mean, you might've caught us
on our bad day.
Yeah, but Carol and I,
we love each other.
Well, you sure have
a weird way of showing it.
Well, maybe we do, you know,
but for every bad day
we have a hundred days where
we're really, really happy.
Well, more like 80-85.
But the point here, guys..
...is it doesn't matter
how happily married you are
there's bound to be days
when you just don't get along.
[Carol]
'Yeah, I can guarantee you,
you're gonna get angry'
and you're gonna
fight with each other
but that's when
your love means the most
because that's what carries you
through the bad times.
Yeah, and listen, I want you
guys to know that marrying Carol
was the best thing
that ever happened to me.
I-I wouldn't trade
that for anything in the world.
And listen, honey,
I-I'm sorry about the fight.
I made a mountain
out of a mole hill.
Hell, I can watch game
at Vinnie's any day.
[Carol]
'Oh, it wasn't
just your fault, Frank.'
'I mean I shouldn't have
volunteered you'
'for this without checking.'
No, no, but I'm sorry. Okay?
Oh, me, too. I'm sorry.
Well, yeah,
but I'm more sorry.
- 'No, I'm sorry.'
- 'No, I'm..'
I could be twice
as sorry as you..
Hey, by the way, makin' up is
a really cool part of marriage.
[instrumental music]
Thank you.
Alright, now. Go. go. Go!
[mumbling]
Oh! Good!
Man! Oh, you are the man!
Go, big dog!
- Frank.
- Hiya, honey.
I think I made
a little mistake.
Oh, that's too bad, dear.
What did you do?
Well, remember when I promised
I'd check with you
before I made any plans?
- You didn't.
- I did. I'm sorry.
I promise
it will never happen again.
But I already made plans
for us for tonight.
Well, I tell you what, honey,
you know, last time
I did the seminar thing
for you, okay?
And I'm not gonna do it again.
I'm gonna watch the game, okay?
And nothing you can say or do
is gonna make me
take my eyes off this set,
I'm sorry.
- Really? Hmm..
- Yeah.
Well, I'm really sorry
to hear you say that, Frank
because I really thought
you'd enjoy
what I had in mind for you.
But if you'd, uh,
rather watch the game..
Wha-wha-what game?
What-what..
Oh, J.T.?
Do you realize
what month it is?
I don't know.
One of the cold ones?
No, not just
one of the cold ones.
It's February.
Do you know what that means?
Yeah, it means this milk
is three weeks old.
No, no, no. For-forget about
the milk for a second.
We promised Sam and Dana,
we'd take 'em on a ski trip
next weekend.
- Oh, it's that February?
- Yeah, you bonehead.
Did you save any money
for it at all?
Well, let's see, including what
I got in my checking account
college fund
and savings and wallets
two dollars
and a coupon for a corn dog.
Listen, man, don't sweat it.
We promised Sam and Dana
that trip months ago.
If we forgot about it,
maybe they forgot about it, too.
Snow Mountain Inn, here we come.
Look, guys.
The ski shop at the mall
was a having a sale
so we got everything we need
for our trip next week.
Are you guys
as excited as we are?
We're just dripping
with excitement.
- Yeah.
- Just dripping.
Look.
We are totally outfitted.
Snow bunnies.
Sam.
Sorry. Snow women.
Hmm, but, honey, aren't you
gonna be a little cold
on the slopes in this?
I mean, gee..
Put your tongue back
in your mouth, J.T.
It's not mine.
It's a present.
We got this
for our friend Becky.
She's having a bridal shower
this weekend.
Come on, Sam, let's go
try on all of our new stuff.
Great idea!
I can't wait to go skiing.
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, neither can we.
- Ah!
- We are excited!
We are just pumped.
[laughs nervously]
We are screwed.
Don't sweat it, man.
We only need $400 a piece.
There's gotta be a job
in here somewhere
where we can make
some quick money.
[groans]
Yup! Like this.
Look, I hate to burst
your bubble, but I'm pretty sure
you need more formal training
to become a neurosurgeon.
Not that, this! Look.
"Club Booty proudly announces
"its annual
male stripper contest.
First prize, one thousand
bucks." That's it, that's it!
That's how we're gonna
get the money.
So you're saying
we should rob Club Booty?
No, I'm saying
we should become male strippers.
Oh! I think we have a better
shot at becoming neurosurgeons.
[theme song]
♪ Step by step ♪
♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪
♪ A fresh start over ♪
♪ A different hand to play ♪
♪ The deeper we fall ♪
♪ The stronger we stay ♪
♪ We'll make it better ♪
♪ The second time around ♪♪
[theme music]
[instrumental music]
[doorbell rings]
[sighs]
♪ Na-na-na-na-na ♪♪
[laughing]
Lilly, that is
the third time today.
Now, knock it off.
[sighs]
[doorbell rings]
Okay, okay,
now you are really in trouble
you little..
Uh, reverend.
Hi, Carol. Rough day?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I usually don't scream at
close personal friends of God.
- Please, come in.
- I'd love to.
Gosh, uh, I'm really sorry,
we missed church on Sunday
but if it does help,
we did catch
"Touched By An Angel."
Oh, me, too.
That Roma Downey is a fox.
Uh, uh, but I'm not here
to discuss TV.
Oh, well, please then,
come on in, sit down.
Oh, thanks, but I'm only
gonna stay a minute.
Carol, I've noticed over
the years that you and Frank
have one of the most stable,
loving relationships
in our congregation.
You're kidding?
I-I mean, thank you.
And because of that I think you
two would make great role models
for some of the young couples
at our church
who are planning
to get married.
What could we do to help?
Well, I'd like to bring
three couples
over Monday night,
let them learn
from you and Frank
what it takes
to keep a marriage together
in today's world.
Well,
Frank and I'd be thrilled.
- We'll see you on Monday night.
- Great.
You know, if this works out
we have a young parents
mentoring program
we'd like you to help us with
because you've raised
some wonderful,
wonderfulchildren.
[sighs]
Well, thank you again.
♪ Na-na-na-na-na ♪♪
[blowing raspberry]
[chuckles]
Neighbor kids.
[instrumental music]
Come on, Rich.
Please don't make me
do this, man.
Come on.
No, look, look, look.
They're gonna,
they're gonna laugh at us.
What makes you say that?
I've seen you naked.
Lighten up, Rich.
We're in Port Washington.
How tough
can the competition be?
[indistinct chatter]
Okay, that's it.
Let's get out of here.
Compared to this
herd of beef cake
we're total losers.
No, we're not.
We're just different.
Just think of us
as the other white meat.
Alright, gentlemen, listen up.
Hey, you two,
are you the plumbers I called
for the backed-up toilet?
Wait, wait, wait.
We're not plumbers.
We're male strippers. Okay?
We're eye candy, boy toys.
Every woman's fantasy.
But in case
you don't see us like that
how much does,
uh, fixin' the toilet pay?
Rich, forget the toilet, okay?
Are you gonna allow us
to try out for this contest
or do we have to go
over your head?
Okay, alright.
You wanna try out
for the contest?
Fine, be my guest.
Gentlemen, strike the pose
and lose the clothes.
Yes! Let me help you
get this off--
Yeah, yeah,
I can do it myself.
Alright, meat.
Listen up.
This is the results.
'Number one, you're in.'
'Number two, goodbye.'
'Number three and four,
you're good.'
'Number five'
'go back to the farm.'
'Number six, you're in.'
'Number seven and eight.'
Number seven and eight
this is a strip show,
not a side show.
'Get lost!'
W-w-w-wait,
what are you? Blind?
We're pros, we're practically
legends in this business.
Have you ever heard
of a little town called Vegas?
- Yeah.
- So have we.
Can we be in the contest?
Hit the road, you morons.
- Well, hold on, boss.
- What?
Why not put 'em in?
They'll be good
for a couple of laughs.
And besides, when they're on
it'll give the chicks
a chance to go to the can.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Alright, Beavis and Butt-Head,
you're in.
- Yes!
- Oh, my God.
[instrumental music]
- Hi, honey.
- Hello, sweetie.
Oh, boy, do I have great news.
- Me, too. But you go first.
- Okay.
You know Vinnie Grogan?
- My concrete guy?
- Uh-huh.
Well, he just got
a new 60-inch TV.
And he invited a bunch
of us guys over to his place
to watch the Bucks-Bulls game
next Monday.
Isn't that great?
Absolutely, that's terrific.
But you can't go.
Uh, why can't I go?
Because Monday night,
Reverend Fielder is bringing
some engaged couples over here
so we can talk to them
about how to have
a happy marriage.
Yeah, well,
take my word for it, honey.
If I don't get to see this game
we're not gonna have
a whole lot to talk about.
But this thing is already set.
Yes, without asking me first.
Honey, I've been lookin' forward
to this game.
Look, I got
all stocked up for it.
I got my double cheese nachos.
I, I got my imported beer
and I got my purple
"Go, Bucks" big finger.
Go Bucks! Go Bucks! Go Bucks!
Bucks, Bucks, Bucks, Bucks.
Bucks, Bucks, Bucks, Bucks.
Bucks.
You know, I'm tempted
to tell you what to do
with that finger.
Frank, it's just a game.
I think you can give up
one night of basketball
to help do God's work.
Take it from me, God is gonna be
watchin' that game
with the rest of us guys.
And I happen to know
he is a Bucks fan.
Frank, the class
willbe here on Monday.
I promise the reverend
we would help him
and I'm not gonna break
our promise.
Well, fine then,
you do whatever you wanna do.
I'm gonna be watchin' the game
on a 60-inch set.
No, you're not,
you're gonna be here
and you're gonna be nice
and you're gonna smile.
You're gonna show those couples
what a happy marriage is like
if it kills us both!
Well then,
we'll see about that, won't we?
You know, jeez, you got me
so upset I forgot my finger.
Alright, come on.
Give me the finger.
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
Alright, feel the music.
Yeah, feel that burn, baby.
Get into it, yes.
Alright, babe, we're gonna do
that belt thing on three, okay?
It's gonna drive the chicks
wild. On three, okay?
- Yeah.
- One, two, three.
[both groan]
- Ow.
- Ow.
There's gotta be an easier way
to make some money.
We're not gonna win this
stupid contest.
[knocking on the door]
Oh, yes, we are,
because our secret weapon
has just arrived.
- Our secret weapon?
- Yup.
Behind this door..
..is the world's greatest
living male stripper.
Hi.
- Hey, J.T.
- Moose, what's up?
Yeah.
What the hell is that?
Relax, that's Moose.
He works for my dad.
- As a male stripper?
- No, as a construction guy.
But he used to be
a male stripper. Right, Moose?
Well, I hate to brag,
but, uh, 20 years ago
when I played Vegas
I had more money in my G-string
than all the crap tables
in town.
You guys ready to get down
with your..
...bad selves?
Absolutely, Moose. We're puttin'
ourselves totally in your hands.
Well, that's good,
because I got more moves
than United Van Lines.
Uh, hit the music
and, uh, do what I do.
[instrumental music]
Oh, no, that's just stupid.
Oh, come on.
There's no wayI'm doing that.
- Ugh.
- What did you just say?
I said,
you're poetry in motion, sir.
That's what I thought you said.
Now you shake your goofy..
...or I'll shake it for you.
Good, now put some
Elvis in your pelvis.
Some Jagger in your swagger
and put some
Hootie in your Blowfish.
Easy there, big guy.
Now it's time to flash the grin
and show some skin.
[music continues]
Frank, thanks to you
the reverend is stalling
with bad jokes.
Will you just get back in there?
Don't start with me, Carol.
I'm supposed to be watchin'
this game on a 60-inch set
and I'm trying to pick it up
on an Etch A Sketch.
I don't care,
this is the third time
you've ducked outta there
in ten minutes.
The reverend and those couples
think you have
some kind of terrible
bladder infection.
Oh, hey, that's great,
then I'll stay in here
and watch the game, you tell 'em
I'm down at the drugstore
getting some adult diapers.
Frank, if you don't
get back in there
the next time we make love
you'll be old enough
to need adult diapers.
[grunts]
Well, we're back.
You know, Frank, I, uh
I had a little bladder problem
myself last year.
May I suggest two things.
Prayer and cranberry juice.
I'll keep that in mind.
Okay, let's continue.
You three couples
are about to embark
on wedded bliss yourselves.
I'm sure you have many questions
for this happily married couple.
Uh, Gordon, why don't you get
the ball rolling?
Okay. Um..
Donna and I
love each other very much
but we have this problem.
I'm kind of a quiet guy,
but she always wants me
to share my feelings.
I'll be honest with you.
I don't have that many feelings.
Well, you get used to that
tell-me-your-feelings thing,
Gordon.
That goes on forever.
- Really?
- Oh, absolutely.
But you want me to tell you
what's really gonna bend
your crank?
It's when your wife keeps
volunteering you for things
without having the courtesy
to ask you first.
[chuckles]
Well, I'd never do that.
Of course, you wouldn't.
Get back to me
after the honeymoon, Gordo.
Well, that's just Frank's
sense of humor.
Which, by the way,
you ladies are gonna need
because sometimes your husbands
will act a tad, uh..
...shall we say immature?
[laughs]
Right, honey?
That's right,
you guys act immature
because your wives act
more like your mommies
and won't let you watch the game
you bought
the special nachos for.
You know, folks, in Corinthian--
I think what Frank
is trying to say--
Oh, did I fail to mention
that sometimes they not only
volunteer you for things
but they speak for you as well?
That's because a lot of times
when husbands talk, what comes
out is really, really stupid.
Ha-ha. Let me tell you
about stupid--
- 'I'll tell you..'
- Yes, well..
I think that just about covers
communication and honesty.
What do you say
we move on to respect?
- There's foreign soil for you.
- I'd like a little respect.
- 'She doesn't know..'
- 'I'd like a little respect.'
[instrumental music]
[crowd cheering]
- Check, please.
- Man, this is so cool.
Three hundred chicks would have
paid to see me naked.
Is this a great country or what?
I don't think
I can go through with this.
I'm afraid when I get out there
I'm gonna wet my pants.
Not a problem, Rich,
because in two minutes
you won't be wearing any pants.
That doesn't help at all.
[all cheering]
Oh, this is disgusting.
If I had known the bridal shower
was gonna end up
at a sleazy meat market
like this
I never would have come.
Really?
I would have stopped
at the bank for more singles.
Yeah, Dana, lighten up.
I mean, this is Becky's
last chance
to have a kick-butt
girls night out
before she gets married.
Gee, I only have a twenty.
I hope the dancers carry change.
If they do, I hate to think
where they might be hiding it.
[crowd cheering]
Alright.
Ain't that somethin'?
How about that?
Yeah, that went marvelous.
Ride 'em cowboys, huh, ladies?
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
Now we got
a couple of local boys.
Now these are pure amateurs
who I swear have never been
in a strip contest before.
And I guarantee after tonight
they will never be
in another one.
[laughs]
You guys get out there
and just shake your booty.
- Ow.
- Whoa.
Make mamma proud.
[chuckles]
Get 'em!
Alright, ladies,
give it up for..
...The Handymen.
[crowd cheering]
Oh, my God!
[crowd booing]
[upbeat music]
- Uh, Rich!
- J.T.!
Hey, easy, baby,
touching costs extra.
[groans]
Hey!
Sam, what are you doing
in a strip club?
Keeping my clothes on.
Which is more than
I can say for you.
Uh, hi, honey.
This, uh, isn't what
it looks like.
Really, Rich? It looks to me
like you're about to get naked
for a bunch of howling,
horny women.
Oh, okay, so it is
what it looks like.
But honestly,
we're doing this for you.
[crowd yelling]
Yeah, great.
Seriously. We're trying to get
money for the ski trip.
Please, excuse us.
We didn't wanna disappoint you.
So you're willing
to totally embarrass
and degrade yourselves
in public for us?
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
That is the most beautiful thing
I've ever heard.
Alright, let's bring back
the cowboys.
[crowd cheering]
Oh, look,
everyone here hates us.
The ski trip's off.
We might as well just quit.
No, no, keep dancing. Wait.
Ladies, ladies, now
we're gonna try something
a little different.
- Uh, do you like these guys?
- No!
Do you wanna see them
take their clothes off?
[all]
No!
Are you willing to pay them
to keep their clothes on?
[all]
Yes!
Then show me the money!
[crowd cheering]
[instrumental music]
You wanna know
what really ticks me off?
It's when you hog the covers
and I freeze my butt all night.
I need the covers
to pull over my head
to drown out the sound
of your snoring.
- I do not snore!
- Yes, you do!
And that's the nicest sound
you make in bed!
Well, if you wouldn't put cheese
on everything you cook.
- 'Then I wouldn't have--'
- 'Hey, pal!'
We live in the Cheese State.
Get used to it.
Yeah, well,
then you get used to it.
Well, I, I think this could be
a good stopping place.
Maybe we could have
some refreshments.
I know I'd kill for a beer.
You know what? Uh..
Before we break,
there's something
I'd like to say.
Donna, I-I love you
but I'm not sure
we should get married anymore.
What?
I mean, with all due respect
if Frank and Carol
are the happiest couple
in Port Washington
I'd hate to see
the ones who don't get along.
Hey, come on, that's ridiculous.
Gordo, you got
the whole wrong idea here.
I mean, you might've caught us
on our bad day.
Yeah, but Carol and I,
we love each other.
Well, you sure have
a weird way of showing it.
Well, maybe we do, you know,
but for every bad day
we have a hundred days where
we're really, really happy.
Well, more like 80-85.
But the point here, guys..
...is it doesn't matter
how happily married you are
there's bound to be days
when you just don't get along.
[Carol]
'Yeah, I can guarantee you,
you're gonna get angry'
and you're gonna
fight with each other
but that's when
your love means the most
because that's what carries you
through the bad times.
Yeah, and listen, I want you
guys to know that marrying Carol
was the best thing
that ever happened to me.
I-I wouldn't trade
that for anything in the world.
And listen, honey,
I-I'm sorry about the fight.
I made a mountain
out of a mole hill.
Hell, I can watch game
at Vinnie's any day.
[Carol]
'Oh, it wasn't
just your fault, Frank.'
'I mean I shouldn't have
volunteered you'
'for this without checking.'
No, no, but I'm sorry. Okay?
Oh, me, too. I'm sorry.
Well, yeah,
but I'm more sorry.
- 'No, I'm sorry.'
- 'No, I'm..'
I could be twice
as sorry as you..
Hey, by the way, makin' up is
a really cool part of marriage.
[instrumental music]
Thank you.
Alright, now. Go. go. Go!
[mumbling]
Oh! Good!
Man! Oh, you are the man!
Go, big dog!
- Frank.
- Hiya, honey.
I think I made
a little mistake.
Oh, that's too bad, dear.
What did you do?
Well, remember when I promised
I'd check with you
before I made any plans?
- You didn't.
- I did. I'm sorry.
I promise
it will never happen again.
But I already made plans
for us for tonight.
Well, I tell you what, honey,
you know, last time
I did the seminar thing
for you, okay?
And I'm not gonna do it again.
I'm gonna watch the game, okay?
And nothing you can say or do
is gonna make me
take my eyes off this set,
I'm sorry.
- Really? Hmm..
- Yeah.
Well, I'm really sorry
to hear you say that, Frank
because I really thought
you'd enjoy
what I had in mind for you.
But if you'd, uh,
rather watch the game..
Wha-wha-what game?
What-what..