Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 7, Episode 13 - Feet of Clay - full transcript

[instrumental music]

Honey, listen to this.

Here's an article called

"How to make
a hot marriage hotter."

[spits]

I'm in for that. Ha-ha!

I'll do it. Is it dangerous?

- Do I need a spotter?
- Easy, Romeo.

It just says
we should try a risque

role-playing rendezvous.

Oh, that sounds French.



You know I'll do it.

It suggests
that married couples dress up

and pretend they're strangers.

Then they meet in public places

for close encounters
of the sexiest kind.

But, honey, we don't have
to go out to be sexy.

- We can be sexy right here.
- Hmm.

I'll tell you what.

I'll play Saddam Hussein.

You be the naughty
UN inspector

looking for my weapons
of mass destruction.

[laughs]

Really, Frank?
No, I think, you know

pretending to be strangers
would be kind of



ooh, exciting, you know.

Spotting each other
across a dark, crowded room.

You want dark and crowded?

Let's go out to the truck.

Will you, at least,
think about it?

Mm.. I don't know.

[Frank grunts]

[Frank]
'Hey, Carol,
what are you doin'?'

[Carol chuckles]
'I'm helping you
to think about it.'

[theme song]

♪ Step By Step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall ♪

♪ The stronger we stay ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[rock music]

- Yello!
- Hey, Rich.

Goin' to lose
another hockey game today?

Hey, take it easy.
We're not that bad.

[scoffs]
Oh, really?

Then how come
your team's nickname

is "The Mighty Sucks?"

Hi, sweetie.

- Hi, honey.
- Not you, fathead.

- I'm so glad you're here.
- Oh, I know, honey.

Only for a minute, though.
I'm late for my hockey game.

Oh, I hate our schedule
this semester.

I hardly ever get to see

my giggly-wiggly,
shmoogly-poogly.

Oh, and I miss my cutesy little
boopsy-shmoopsy.

And I'm about to hurl
my lunchy wunchy.

[both moaning]

Oh, honey, I got to go,
I'm so late.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

You know, Rich,
if we are ever

going to spend any time together

we need to find something
that we both like, okay?

So, I have an idea.

I was thinking that we could
take a class together

at the community center.

I don't know, honey,
I have enough trouble

cuttin' the classes
I'm already taking.

It doesn't have to be academic.

It can be something fun.
Like origami.

Uh, I'm not really
into raw fish.

Very funny. Okay.

How about a class
on art appreciation?

I'd rather eat origami.

Fine. How about
a class in pottery?

Pottery? Like in clay?

You know that, uh,
brown, messy mud stuff

that gets all over your hair
and your clothes?

- Yeah.
- I'll do it. Sign us up.

But, honey, I am so late,
I gotta go.

I love you.
Mwah.

- Well, wish me luck.
- Okay.

[rock music]

This is so wonderful, honey.
You and I together.

And I'm doin' stuff with my
hands that won't get me slapped.

[chuckles]

Is this cool or what?

[sighs]
Yeah.

Really cool.

Good.
Satisfactory, I suppose.

Acceptable.

Outstanding.

Mr. Halke..

...I gather you've worked
with clay before?

Uh, actually, no.

Um, but when I was a kid,
I did eat a lot of play dough.

Well, you appear
to be quite gifted.

We may have a prodigy here.

Now, let's see
what we have over.. Oh, dear.

Honey, don't you listen to him.
You're doin' just fine.

Pfft. I know.
But it is not my fault.

This wheel is off-kilter.

The lighting stinks

and I haven't seen
a piece of clay this stubborn

since Gumby takes his stand.

Well, if it'll make you happy

why don't you
just switch places with me?

Look, real simple. Come on,
you can use my wheel, huh?

- Uh, well, okay.
- Come on, come on.

No problem at all,
no problem at all.

No..

See. Happy?

Yeah, thrilled, thanks.

[Dana sighing]

Class.

I would like you all
to take a look

at a piece of classic pottery.

- Oh.
- This is my best piece.

It will, no doubt,
end up one day in a museum.

Enjoy.

[swoosh]

[shatters]

[instrumental music]

What? What, you never
heard of glue?

[instrumental music]

[phone ringing]

- Hello.
- Hola.

This is Armando Suave.

I want to make
hot passionate love to you.

Pervert.

[keypad beeps]

[phone rings]

[sighs]

Listen, you sick freak--

Hey, hey, honey, honey, honey,
it's me, it's me.

It was me just now.

- Frank?
- 'Yeah.'

Why are you making
obscene phone calls?

I wasn't being obscene,
I was doing that

role-playing rendezvous thingy
we talked about.

Heh. That's the character
I decided to be.

Armando Suave,
the bull fighting

billionaire from Barcelona.

[both laugh]

- Frank, that's fantastic.
- 'Yeah. Yeah'

- I mean.. Fantastico,Armando.
- 'Uh-huh.'

And what would you say
if my name were, uh..

...um, Candy?

- Oh, si.
- Candy Apple.

Ai-ai-ai.

[laughs]

Jerry Springer is the man!

You're wrong, J.T.

Ricki Lake has had
just as many fights

per show as Jerry Springer.

Yeah, but has she ever had
cross-dressing Siamese twins

who find out on the show that
they're dating the same guy?

Hm.

- You got me there.
- Ha-ha-ha.

Yes, Armando, I'd love
to get together with you

my torrid toreador.

[laughs]

Of course, I can
get away tonight. Don't worry.

No, I'll just make some
excuse to my husband.

'What should I wear?'

[gasps]
Armando

I could get arrested for that.

[laughs]

Did you hear that?
Carol's havin' an affair!

That is ridiculous. My mother
would never have an affair.

Oh, yeah, then how come
we heard her say

[imitating Carol]
"Ha-ha-ha, my torrid toreador..

...I could get arrested
for that. Ha-ha-ha."

She sure ain't talkin'
to grandma.

Look, I know it sounded bad

but there must be
some explanation.

So, why don't we go in there

and casually try to find out
what's going on?

Fine, but if she's cheating
on my dad..

...then he gets to cheat, too.

[laughing]

- Hi, mom.
- Hi, kids.

Gotta go.

[clears throat]
So, Carol, who,
who was that on the phone?

Uh, Frank. My husband, Frank.
Uh, you know.

He calls me in the middle
of the day sometimes.

Really?
So when is my dad coming home?

Oh, actually, he's not.

Uh, we're gonna meet
for dinner tonight.

Which reminds me, I, uh

have to go upstairs
and get ready, so..

See ya later.

[laughing]

That's it. Your mom is
definitely cheating on my dad.

Hold on.
We still don't have any proof.

You want proof? Fine.

Then we'll follow Carol tonight

and we'll catch her in the act.

J.T., I, I really
don't feel good

about spying on my mom.

You mean, because it might
break up the family?

No. Because I have
nothing to wear.

[upbeat rock music]

[upbeat rock music]

- Hello.
- Hey, Dana.

What's in the box?

Oh, nothing, just something

I finished
in my pottery class today.

Nothing you guys
would be interested in.

Wait. I wanna see what you made.

- Yeah, come on, Dana.
- Uh..

Let's have
a little look-see, huh?

You know,
I-I-I don't want you to..

Oh! Oh, Dana.

Well, uh..

...this is creative.

Boy, I made something better
than that in kindergarten.

[both laughing]

Hey. Hey, guys.

[laughing]

Wha-what's everyone laughin' at?

Oh, Dana's artwork.

[both laughing]

Artwork? Please.

Dogs have left prettier things
on our lawn.

[both laughing]

- Give me that.
- Honey, is that your pot?

Well, that looks really good.

I-I-I especially liked
the, the, uh..

That looks really good.

- What did you make, Rich?
- Uh, no-nothin', really.

Just, uh, a couple of
knick-knacks, thingamabob

doodad or two.

- Oh, let's see 'em.
- I don't think so.

Oh, wait, wait.
What is the matter, Rich?

What are you,
embarrassed to show us

that special project
you've been working on

after class?
Yeah, what happened?

You peaked
on your first pot, huh?

- Yeah, that's it.
- Uh-huh-ha!

I peaked.

- Well, see ya.
- Uh, not so fast.

We are all most anxious

to see your creations.
Aren't we, girls?

- 'Oh, yeah.'
- Yeah.

- 'No, no, honey. It's--'
- Oh, come on, Rich. Unhand it.

Let's see.

Whoo! A big flat plate!
Nice!

- Wait a minute.
- 'Yes, that looks good.'

There's something else.

[gasps]

Oh, my gosh!

[Lilly gasps]

Rich, this is incredible.

Huh! Ha! Well, I'm surprised
you didn't make matching cups.

[gasps]
Look at these.

[Lilly gasps]

There's two more.

Hey..

I can't believe this.

[scoffs]
Y-yeah.

You think you're so perfect.

You forgot to make a lid.

[Alicia]
Oh..

[instrumental music]

[piano music]

♪ Are there stars
out tonight? ♪

♪ I don't know if it's cloudy
or bright ♪

♪ 'Cause I only have eyes ♪

♪ For you dear ♪

[coughing]

Barkeep.

'Tell me.'

Who is the muchacho

with the voice as smooth

as a baby's buttocks?

Says her name is Candy Apple.

♪ And I only ♪

♪ Have eyes ♪

♪ For ♪

♪ You ♪♪

[audience applauding]

Thank you.

[sighs]
Thank you.

Hi, my name is Candy..

...Apple.

Buenas noches,
SenoritaApple.

Your voice is..

...magnifico.

Oh, well,
thank you for the compliment.

I don't suppose
it comes with a...drink.

Oh!

- Ooh!
- Barkeep!

A margarita
for the chiquita senorita.

[giggling]

And for you, Mr. Iglesias?

A brewsky, por favor.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I am

Armando Suave.

Whoo!

Oh! Ugh.

This just proves
my mom is not cheating on Frank.

She would never have an affair

in a place that sells

beef jerky at the bar. Ugh!

Come on, let's go.

[laughing]

Oh, yeah?

There she is.

[laughing]

Oh, my God! It's true.

[Carol]
Ah, ooh!

You know, SenoritaApple

mwah, you are beautiful.

But you have a caterpillar
on your wrist.

No, Frank, that's,
that's not a caterpillar.

Your moustache fell off.

Uh, listen, I'll just, uh..

I'll go, uh,
repair this in the john.

I mean, heh, the juan.

[both laughing]

[Carol]
Oh..

That's it. I'm putting an end
to this right now.

Carol, I've got something
to say to you.

J.T., Karen,
what are you doing here?

What are we doing here?

What are you doing here
dressed like Jessica Rabbit?

Excuse me.

Fine. You don't have to tell me
because I already know.

You're cheating on my father

with that lowbred
Ricky Ricardo.

Mom, tell him
that it wasn't your fault.

Tell him
it was Frank's plaid shirts

and oversized belt buckles
that drove you to this.

Oh, wait a minute,
you guys followed me here

because you thought
I was cheating on Frank?

What are you, out of your minds?

We know what we saw.

When that half-baked Romeo
gets out of that bathroom

I'm gonna break his nose.

Tik tik.

Tik-tik.. Oh!

Oh, this is sicker
than I thought.

Armando looks
exactly like Frank.

Karen, that is Frank.

Then, where is Armando?

What are you guys doing here?

Oh, they followed us here
because they thought

I was cheating on you.

Aw, jeez, you guys.

W-where did you get
the nerve to spy on us?

Where do we get the nerve?

We're not the ones out in public

dressed like Wayne Newton
and Charo.

Yeah, and, you know, we have
to live in this town, too.

Yeah, well, not under our roof
if you keep up this attitude.

I'll tell you what, dad.
I got an idea.

If you forget
that we followed you here

we'll try to forget we saw you
guys dressed like that.

Although, I'm gonna need some
heavy-duty therapy.

It's okay. Come on.

[Karen sighs]

Ah, you were right, Frank.

This was a terrible idea,
and it's all my fault.

No, no, come on, honey.

I mean,
who cares if they saw us.

Well, we're adults,
we're dressed up

and we're here, and..

I don't know about you,
but I was feelin'

our hot marriage gettin' hotter
by the El Segundo.

[both giggling]

Come on, you know, uh, you wanna
pick up where we left off?

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Mean it?
- Absolutely.

Senorita

may I have this rumba?

Rumba?
Si, si, senor.

[piano music]

Honey, let me give you a hand.

- Rich, I do not need your help.
- No, no, it's..

No problem, honey. You just get
the wheel going here.

I'm just gonna help you get
started. That's all, that's all.

Rich, I am telling you
right now...back off.

Now, honey,
you're gonna get the hang of it.

See, you just got to get
your hands wet.

That's it. Really wet.
Wet is good.

Wet is your friend.
That's it, see?

Rich, I am warning you.

Now, honey, you know what you do
when you get frustrated?

You just think about
that little ant

who is trying to move
that rubber tree plant.

Huh? Do you know
why he's not frustrated?

♪ He has ♪

♪ High hopes ♪

♪ He's got hi-high hopes ♪

♪ He's got high
unh apple pie ♪

♪ In the sky ♪

♪ Ho.. ♪

♪ Hope ♪♪
[spits]

Oh, sorry. I slipped.

It's okay.

[spits]
I know you're just

acting out your frustration.

Honey, if I may.

Let me suggest
the Rich Halke method, hm?

Just, uh, relax and..

...let yourself
be at one with the clay.

Oh, yeah?
I have a better idea.

You be at one with the clay.

Oh!

Alright. That's it.

Prepare to eat mud.

[Dana screams]

You know what your problem is?

For once, I'm better than you
at something

and you can't handle it.

[spits]

Oh, yeah?
Well, uh...handle this.

Argh!

Fine. You know what?

You couldn't make a pot
to save your life.

You're the reason
they invented Tupperware.

[screams]

Okay, alright.
You're going down.

[groaning]

You know, my Uncle Ned
can make a pot better than you.

And he doesn't have any thumbs.

[screaming]

Okay, alright.

That's it.

Now, ha-ha-ha!

Yeah. You have gone too far.

You wouldn't dare.

[panting]

- Guess again, poof!
- No!

[laughing]

Wow!

I can't believe you did it.

I can't believe
I did it either.

I'm sorry.

[laughing]

What are you laughin' at?

You look like a Smurf
on steroids.

Well, I'm certainly glad

all this time we're spendin'
together is workin' out.

[laughing]

Well, it might,
if we were doing something

that I was halfway good at.

[spits]
Face it, Rich.
I suck at pottery.

And I just hate

looking like
a big dumb screw-up.

Oh, well, hey!
Welcome to my world.

[chuckles]

I feel like that
in almost everything I do.

Honey, you just gotta realize

that you don't have to be
the best at everything.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.

I know,
I've been acting crazy.

Mm.

But it's good to know

that I will always be the best
at one thing.

Yeah? What's that?

- This.
- Mmm.

Well, then I am, uh

truly in the presence
of a genius.

[both chuckle]

Mmm.

- Ooh, Frank.
- Hm.

Here's another article on how

we can heat up our marriage.

Oh, gee, honey,
our marriage gets any hotter

I'm gonna have to put a fire
extinguisher by the bed.

[chuckles]
No. It just says here
if we rent gravity boots--

No, uh, wait, wait.
No, no, no, no.

That's it. I have a fantasy
of my own I would like to try.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

I'll be...Frank Lambert.

Handsome contractor
from Sheboygan.

Mm-hmm.

You be his wife, Carol.

The beautiful blonde,
bombshell beautician.

I like that, keep going.

We live in a nice house.

We have seven
wonderful children

and we love each other
very much.

Hmm, works for me.

Being Frank and Carol
is really fun.

I told ya.

It'd be more fun
with gravity boots.

Carol.

Just checking.

Maybe a trapeze
or trampoline or somethin'.