Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 6, Episode 9 - Locket Man - full transcript
Frank is in full midlife crisis, desperately trying to be young again, as if adolescent in the rock era. He could have spared everyone these desperate efforts of rejuvenation to stay attractive for Carol, as she makes clear... J.T. is young and poor, so he raids dad's fridge, and so is Rich, who can't afford the kind of present he'd like to buy for Dana's birthday. Instead he has a romantic idea, give her an LP of 'their song' and one even J.T. knows to spell romantic disaster: recycle a pendant an ex threw back at him. It gets worse when she notices, unlike Rich, it's a locket, so he didn't remove her picture. Now he's down as deep as possible in the unforgiving girls' esteem, Rich gathers the courage for a really romantic declaration of love...
Carol, Carol.
Where is Frank?
I'm hoping that will
cheer him up.
and then he found
that gray hair
on his chest,
he's all in a funk because
he thinks he's getting older.
I know, but listen,
Frank's funk is bunk.
And I, Jean-Luc Rieupeyroux,
am here to tell you
how to bid it adieu.
Sit down.
Listen to this.
I just read
this article called
"Those Amazing Geezers."
"One hundred
fantastic feats
"performed by people
who are older than dirt."
It's going to make him
realize that it don't matter
how old you are.
You can still do
amazing things.
You can do
whatever you want.
For instance,
did you know that
Nancy Reagan can pole vault
over 16 feet?
And the whole time,
she keeps her ankles
neatly crossed.
Well, I didn't know that.
And Bob Hope can do
over 900 chin-ups.
And once a week,
Katharine Hepburn
rides a Brahma bull.
Jean-Luc, I know...
Yeah,
This is all very nice,
but don't show this
to Frank, okay?
Because I don't think
his being identified
Mommy, Mommy,
the most funniest thing
happened at the park today.
Really? What's the most
funniest thing that
happened today?
Daddy was buying
me ice cream,
and the ice cream man
called him "Grandpa."
Hi, Grandpa.
What's the matter, Frank?
Why are you walking that way?
Did your back go out
when you were playing
with Lilly?
No, my back went out
when I was getting
a drink of water.
Bent over the fountain,
I heard something snap.
The next thing I knew,
there were a bunch of
five-year olds standing
over me saying,
"Is he dead"?
Frank, would it make you
feel better to know
that Charlton Heston
can pull a train
with his teeth?
Honey, I'm going upstairs.
I'm gonna call
Dr. Kevorkian and see if
he can squeeze me in today.
Stop! Stop!
No, no, no,
no, no, no, no!
Come on, tell me.
Tell me what you got me
for my birthday.
No, no!
There's no way that
you can get it out of me.
All right, you win.
Ha! I win!
I win. I win.
We'll see about that.
God.
That's,
that's my earlobe.
That is so unfair.
Now, are you
gonna be a good boy
and tell me
what you got me
for my birthday?
Absolutely not.
Unless you get
this spot right here.
That's it.
Okay, I'll give you
a little hint, all right?
Man, I'm eating here.
All right.
You're off the hook for now,
but I'll be back
when Lardo, The Human
Garbage Disposal isn't here.
Man, she is
dying to know
what I got her
for her birthday, man.
Check this out,
gift number one.
What's that?
It's an LP.
What's that?
Never mind.
It's Sonny & Cher.
I Got You, Babe.
It's our song.
Gee, Rich,
I didn't know
we had a song.
That's great.
Not you.
I Got You, Babeis the first song
that Dana and I heard after
we said we loved each other.
That's
very sentimental.
Now, where's
the real gift?
The real gift.
That is right here.
Check this out, man.
Even says on the back,
got it inscribed,
"You're the only one."
Man.
Rich, man,
this thing is killer.
This must've
cost you a fortune.
Sure did,
about 300 bucks.
And that was
two years ago.
But you weren't dating
Dana two years ago.
Duh, I was going out
with Caroline Fisher.
She liked it.
Right up until the point
she broke up with me,
wrapped it around a rock,
and threw it through
my bedroom window.
But Dana will love it.
Man, you're gonna give
Dana a necklace
that you gave
to another girl?
Man, even I'm not
that stupid.
I would've gotten her
a new one, but I'm broke.
Rich, trust me,
this is a bad idea.
If Dana finds out,
she's gonna rip your head off
and use it as a purse.
Well, I don't know
how she's gonna find out,
because I'm not gonna
tell her, and you're not
gonna tell her.
So there's no possible way
she could find out.
Rich, women sense
these things.
It's like they have
some kind of chick radar,
you know?
Look, this gift
is idiot-proof.
And I'm gonna be
the one to prove it.
Yep, you are.
I don't know, Al,
maybe I'm overreacting,
but I'm a little worried
about your father.
He just seems so preoccupied
with this whole age thing.
Carol, come on.
I mean, my dad is
a pretty stable guy.
I'm sure he's over
all of that by now.
What do you think?
Well, that depends.
Who are you?
No, I mean,
how do I look?
I think it makes me look 15,
maybe 20 years younger?
I think it makes you look
like Burt Reynolds.
Burt Reynolds?
Wow! That's smokin'!
Yeah.
Dad, I don't think
that's a compliment.
Look, Frank, I know that
being called "Grandpa"
may be a little upsetting,
I know. Come on, Carol.
You wanna feel young,
you gotta look young.
Hey, Mark.
How do you like
my threads?
Mid-life crisis.
Well, hey, Frank,
you know, you look great.
Very young
and very...
San Francisco.
San Francisco.
Cool.
Well, you ready
to go to the mall?
With you?
No way.
It's just, you know,
I'm in the mood to
walk six miles.
Cool.
Catch you later.
Right.
Catch you later.
but I'm scoring some tickets
to the Gin Blossoms
concert tonight.
It's a hot,
new rock band, honey.
All the young kids
love 'em, right, Al?
Yeah, Dad, yeah, yeah.
We kids think
they're pretty groovy.
Solid.
I can't wait, Daddy-o.
Well, I guess Elvis
has left the building.
You guys didn't have
to get me a present.
Well,
sure we did.
We just hope
you like it.
Are you kidding?
I love it.
It's the right size
and it's a great color
and it's just
all around perfect.
So, I'd have to say
JT had nothing to do
with picking it out.
Well, we wanted to get you
something special.
After all,
you are 147
in dog years.
Happy birthday, Dana.
Happy birthday, Barky.
Thank you.
All right, enough of this.
Now it is my turn.
Happy birthday, sweetie.
That's an LP.
I Got You, Babe.
You like it?
This is the most romantic
present anybody has
ever given me.
I can't believe
you remembered our song.
Well, how could I forget
the first time you told me
you love me?
All right,
all right.
There's more?
But of course.
Here is something from
the bottom of my heart
that says just how special
you are to me.
God, it's beautiful.
And it's inscribed.
"You're the only one."
Yep.
You can't give something
like that to just anyone.DANA:.
I can't wait to put
a picture of us inside it.
Inside it?
Well, yeah,
it's a locket.
Yes, you open it up,
and you put a picture of
the one you love in there.
You do!
Well, crack that baby open.
No.
No, JT.
No, this is...
That's absolutely
unnecessary.
Rich, did you put
a picture of us in there?
You are so sweet.
I've gotten a lot of
presents in my life,
but this is...
That's not me.
What?
You... You mean that's Rich
with another woman?
JT, you're not helping any.
Sweetie,
I can explain
the picture.
Um...
You see,
it was planted, um,
Mark Fuhrman
put that picture there
And...
Wait. Look, how stupid
do you think I really am?
You thought I'd never
figure out that you gave this
to another girlfriend?
Um, actually,
yes, he did because...
This is your last warning.
Shush.
Okay.
I... I don't even wanna
look at you right now.
Baby, sweetie,
I'm sorry.
Don't, don't go.
Dana, look, wait.
Look, your cake is here.
Thank you.
Eggs. Milk.
Ham.
JT, why don't you shop
at the grocery store
like everyone else who has
their own apartment?
And pay for it?
I don't think so.
Hey, guys.
Have you seen Dana?
I'm,
taking her to a movie.
Why not?
She didn't say
anything about canceling.
That's probably because
she's not talking to you.
Well, look, I know
Dana was a little
upset last night,
but I'm sure
she's over it by now.
Dana's not one
to hold a grudge.
Rich, buddy, you live
in a special world?
Hi! Hi, pumpkin.
You know what?
You are a lying,
insensitive, selfish rat.
Honey, I can explain.
Did she seem mad to you?
I told you there were
people dumber than me.
You know, Carol,
I'm starting to
worry about Dad.
I mean, last night he was
watching Party of Five
and talking about
starting a grunge rock band.
Yeah, I sure hope
he gets over this
I-wanna-be-young thing soon.
God, I hope
he didn't buy
a motorcycle.
Hey, foxy lady!
Hey, you know,
when Old Yeller went crazy,
his family just shot him.
I'm thinking about it.
Hey.
God,
I'm married to Fonzie.
I think he's an idiot.
I borrowed this from
one of the guys on the crew.
Why don't you hop on?
Frank, get off the bike.
Okay, okay.
Make it fast, okay?
Mosh pit?
Yeah.
Frank, I wanna
tell you something.
I love you very much.
Hey, I love you, too, babe.
Hey, stop with
the finger, Frank.
Well...
Carol...
That's what I'm trying
to tell you.
You are young.
Well, when I look
in the mirror,
I don't see young.
Carol, my hair is graying
and I need stronger
reading glasses
and I have to buy
relaxed-fit jeans.
I mean, pretty soon,
I'm gonna be in an
adjustable bed
with my teeth in a glass
watching Matlock.
Carol, you're not
getting any older.
You look better
than the day I met you.
Well, is gonna wanna
hang around somebody like me
if I keep going
the direction I'm headed.
Frank.
You know what I see
when I look at you?No.
I see a handsome,
young guy
who's in great shape.
Who gets better-looking
every day.
Carol, my knee
is gone, my back...No, no, no.
Frank, that is
what I really see.
And I have to tell you
something else, Frank.
Sometimes, you know,
when I look out the window
when you're in the yard
working with your shirt off,
honest to God, Frank,
it takes my breath away.
Really?
Yeah.
Why don't we give
the Gin Blossom tickets
to the girls?
That way we'll get the house
all to ourselves,
and I will
take you upstairs.
And I guarantee
that I will make you
feel years younger.
I think I feel
ten years younger already.
You know what, Dana,
you don't need Rich.
In fact,
I think we are all
better off without men.
You know,
you're absolutely right.
I mean,
they're like leeches.
Exactly.
What do you think, Karen?
I think that waiter
has a great butt.
No.
Don't look now,
leech boy is here.
Hi, Dana.
I know. I know.
I just wanted to apologize
for giving you that locket.
Baby, that was
the dumbest thing
I've ever done in my life.
I just wanted to
get you something,
to let you know
how special you are to me,
Rich, money is
not important.
I don't care
how much you spend on me.
What's important is
how you make me feel.
And giving me
somebody else's locket
made me feel like dirt.
I know, that's why
I have one more thing
to say before I go.
Ladies and gentlemen,
can I have your attention,
please?
Rich, what are you doing?
Can I just
put this right...
Thanks.
How you doing?
Um...
Um, hi, my name's Rich.
Rich Halke.
And...
the woman I love.
Rich, not now.
No, no.
You see, I did something
really stupid the other day.
that I had given to
an ex-girlfriend.
What a loser.
I guess
I deserve that?
Excuse me.
Rich, come on.
This is so romantic.
I love you, Dane.
I love you too, baby.
Where is Frank?
I'm hoping that will
cheer him up.
and then he found
that gray hair
on his chest,
he's all in a funk because
he thinks he's getting older.
I know, but listen,
Frank's funk is bunk.
And I, Jean-Luc Rieupeyroux,
am here to tell you
how to bid it adieu.
Sit down.
Listen to this.
I just read
this article called
"Those Amazing Geezers."
"One hundred
fantastic feats
"performed by people
who are older than dirt."
It's going to make him
realize that it don't matter
how old you are.
You can still do
amazing things.
You can do
whatever you want.
For instance,
did you know that
Nancy Reagan can pole vault
over 16 feet?
And the whole time,
she keeps her ankles
neatly crossed.
Well, I didn't know that.
And Bob Hope can do
over 900 chin-ups.
And once a week,
Katharine Hepburn
rides a Brahma bull.
Jean-Luc, I know...
Yeah,
This is all very nice,
but don't show this
to Frank, okay?
Because I don't think
his being identified
Mommy, Mommy,
the most funniest thing
happened at the park today.
Really? What's the most
funniest thing that
happened today?
Daddy was buying
me ice cream,
and the ice cream man
called him "Grandpa."
Hi, Grandpa.
What's the matter, Frank?
Why are you walking that way?
Did your back go out
when you were playing
with Lilly?
No, my back went out
when I was getting
a drink of water.
Bent over the fountain,
I heard something snap.
The next thing I knew,
there were a bunch of
five-year olds standing
over me saying,
"Is he dead"?
Frank, would it make you
feel better to know
that Charlton Heston
can pull a train
with his teeth?
Honey, I'm going upstairs.
I'm gonna call
Dr. Kevorkian and see if
he can squeeze me in today.
Stop! Stop!
No, no, no,
no, no, no, no!
Come on, tell me.
Tell me what you got me
for my birthday.
No, no!
There's no way that
you can get it out of me.
All right, you win.
Ha! I win!
I win. I win.
We'll see about that.
God.
That's,
that's my earlobe.
That is so unfair.
Now, are you
gonna be a good boy
and tell me
what you got me
for my birthday?
Absolutely not.
Unless you get
this spot right here.
That's it.
Okay, I'll give you
a little hint, all right?
Man, I'm eating here.
All right.
You're off the hook for now,
but I'll be back
when Lardo, The Human
Garbage Disposal isn't here.
Man, she is
dying to know
what I got her
for her birthday, man.
Check this out,
gift number one.
What's that?
It's an LP.
What's that?
Never mind.
It's Sonny & Cher.
I Got You, Babe.
It's our song.
Gee, Rich,
I didn't know
we had a song.
That's great.
Not you.
I Got You, Babeis the first song
that Dana and I heard after
we said we loved each other.
That's
very sentimental.
Now, where's
the real gift?
The real gift.
That is right here.
Check this out, man.
Even says on the back,
got it inscribed,
"You're the only one."
Man.
Rich, man,
this thing is killer.
This must've
cost you a fortune.
Sure did,
about 300 bucks.
And that was
two years ago.
But you weren't dating
Dana two years ago.
Duh, I was going out
with Caroline Fisher.
She liked it.
Right up until the point
she broke up with me,
wrapped it around a rock,
and threw it through
my bedroom window.
But Dana will love it.
Man, you're gonna give
Dana a necklace
that you gave
to another girl?
Man, even I'm not
that stupid.
I would've gotten her
a new one, but I'm broke.
Rich, trust me,
this is a bad idea.
If Dana finds out,
she's gonna rip your head off
and use it as a purse.
Well, I don't know
how she's gonna find out,
because I'm not gonna
tell her, and you're not
gonna tell her.
So there's no possible way
she could find out.
Rich, women sense
these things.
It's like they have
some kind of chick radar,
you know?
Look, this gift
is idiot-proof.
And I'm gonna be
the one to prove it.
Yep, you are.
I don't know, Al,
maybe I'm overreacting,
but I'm a little worried
about your father.
He just seems so preoccupied
with this whole age thing.
Carol, come on.
I mean, my dad is
a pretty stable guy.
I'm sure he's over
all of that by now.
What do you think?
Well, that depends.
Who are you?
No, I mean,
how do I look?
I think it makes me look 15,
maybe 20 years younger?
I think it makes you look
like Burt Reynolds.
Burt Reynolds?
Wow! That's smokin'!
Yeah.
Dad, I don't think
that's a compliment.
Look, Frank, I know that
being called "Grandpa"
may be a little upsetting,
I know. Come on, Carol.
You wanna feel young,
you gotta look young.
Hey, Mark.
How do you like
my threads?
Mid-life crisis.
Well, hey, Frank,
you know, you look great.
Very young
and very...
San Francisco.
San Francisco.
Cool.
Well, you ready
to go to the mall?
With you?
No way.
It's just, you know,
I'm in the mood to
walk six miles.
Cool.
Catch you later.
Right.
Catch you later.
but I'm scoring some tickets
to the Gin Blossoms
concert tonight.
It's a hot,
new rock band, honey.
All the young kids
love 'em, right, Al?
Yeah, Dad, yeah, yeah.
We kids think
they're pretty groovy.
Solid.
I can't wait, Daddy-o.
Well, I guess Elvis
has left the building.
You guys didn't have
to get me a present.
Well,
sure we did.
We just hope
you like it.
Are you kidding?
I love it.
It's the right size
and it's a great color
and it's just
all around perfect.
So, I'd have to say
JT had nothing to do
with picking it out.
Well, we wanted to get you
something special.
After all,
you are 147
in dog years.
Happy birthday, Dana.
Happy birthday, Barky.
Thank you.
All right, enough of this.
Now it is my turn.
Happy birthday, sweetie.
That's an LP.
I Got You, Babe.
You like it?
This is the most romantic
present anybody has
ever given me.
I can't believe
you remembered our song.
Well, how could I forget
the first time you told me
you love me?
All right,
all right.
There's more?
But of course.
Here is something from
the bottom of my heart
that says just how special
you are to me.
God, it's beautiful.
And it's inscribed.
"You're the only one."
Yep.
You can't give something
like that to just anyone.DANA:.
I can't wait to put
a picture of us inside it.
Inside it?
Well, yeah,
it's a locket.
Yes, you open it up,
and you put a picture of
the one you love in there.
You do!
Well, crack that baby open.
No.
No, JT.
No, this is...
That's absolutely
unnecessary.
Rich, did you put
a picture of us in there?
You are so sweet.
I've gotten a lot of
presents in my life,
but this is...
That's not me.
What?
You... You mean that's Rich
with another woman?
JT, you're not helping any.
Sweetie,
I can explain
the picture.
Um...
You see,
it was planted, um,
Mark Fuhrman
put that picture there
And...
Wait. Look, how stupid
do you think I really am?
You thought I'd never
figure out that you gave this
to another girlfriend?
Um, actually,
yes, he did because...
This is your last warning.
Shush.
Okay.
I... I don't even wanna
look at you right now.
Baby, sweetie,
I'm sorry.
Don't, don't go.
Dana, look, wait.
Look, your cake is here.
Thank you.
Eggs. Milk.
Ham.
JT, why don't you shop
at the grocery store
like everyone else who has
their own apartment?
And pay for it?
I don't think so.
Hey, guys.
Have you seen Dana?
I'm,
taking her to a movie.
Why not?
She didn't say
anything about canceling.
That's probably because
she's not talking to you.
Well, look, I know
Dana was a little
upset last night,
but I'm sure
she's over it by now.
Dana's not one
to hold a grudge.
Rich, buddy, you live
in a special world?
Hi! Hi, pumpkin.
You know what?
You are a lying,
insensitive, selfish rat.
Honey, I can explain.
Did she seem mad to you?
I told you there were
people dumber than me.
You know, Carol,
I'm starting to
worry about Dad.
I mean, last night he was
watching Party of Five
and talking about
starting a grunge rock band.
Yeah, I sure hope
he gets over this
I-wanna-be-young thing soon.
God, I hope
he didn't buy
a motorcycle.
Hey, foxy lady!
Hey, you know,
when Old Yeller went crazy,
his family just shot him.
I'm thinking about it.
Hey.
God,
I'm married to Fonzie.
I think he's an idiot.
I borrowed this from
one of the guys on the crew.
Why don't you hop on?
Frank, get off the bike.
Okay, okay.
Make it fast, okay?
Mosh pit?
Yeah.
Frank, I wanna
tell you something.
I love you very much.
Hey, I love you, too, babe.
Hey, stop with
the finger, Frank.
Well...
Carol...
That's what I'm trying
to tell you.
You are young.
Well, when I look
in the mirror,
I don't see young.
Carol, my hair is graying
and I need stronger
reading glasses
and I have to buy
relaxed-fit jeans.
I mean, pretty soon,
I'm gonna be in an
adjustable bed
with my teeth in a glass
watching Matlock.
Carol, you're not
getting any older.
You look better
than the day I met you.
Well, is gonna wanna
hang around somebody like me
if I keep going
the direction I'm headed.
Frank.
You know what I see
when I look at you?No.
I see a handsome,
young guy
who's in great shape.
Who gets better-looking
every day.
Carol, my knee
is gone, my back...No, no, no.
Frank, that is
what I really see.
And I have to tell you
something else, Frank.
Sometimes, you know,
when I look out the window
when you're in the yard
working with your shirt off,
honest to God, Frank,
it takes my breath away.
Really?
Yeah.
Why don't we give
the Gin Blossom tickets
to the girls?
That way we'll get the house
all to ourselves,
and I will
take you upstairs.
And I guarantee
that I will make you
feel years younger.
I think I feel
ten years younger already.
You know what, Dana,
you don't need Rich.
In fact,
I think we are all
better off without men.
You know,
you're absolutely right.
I mean,
they're like leeches.
Exactly.
What do you think, Karen?
I think that waiter
has a great butt.
No.
Don't look now,
leech boy is here.
Hi, Dana.
I know. I know.
I just wanted to apologize
for giving you that locket.
Baby, that was
the dumbest thing
I've ever done in my life.
I just wanted to
get you something,
to let you know
how special you are to me,
Rich, money is
not important.
I don't care
how much you spend on me.
What's important is
how you make me feel.
And giving me
somebody else's locket
made me feel like dirt.
I know, that's why
I have one more thing
to say before I go.
Ladies and gentlemen,
can I have your attention,
please?
Rich, what are you doing?
Can I just
put this right...
Thanks.
How you doing?
Um...
Um, hi, my name's Rich.
Rich Halke.
And...
the woman I love.
Rich, not now.
No, no.
You see, I did something
really stupid the other day.
that I had given to
an ex-girlfriend.
What a loser.
I guess
I deserve that?
Excuse me.
Rich, come on.
This is so romantic.
I love you, Dane.
I love you too, baby.