Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 6, Episode 8 - Reality Bites - full transcript

J.T. thinks his living alone dream is complete when he gets Rich to move in and share the rent, but when they say dad can no longer tell them, tenants, what to do, he decides to play real world, and takes the part of 'landlord Mr. Lambert, Sir' so serious they would have been better off asking an extension from Scrooge himself after spending part of their rent budget on a non-refundable satellite dish. In fact, when the boys think their eviction is over after endless begging in the cold, rainy weather, the nightmare gets worse back in their flat... Meanwhile Jean-Luc spoils Lilly rotten, spending a fortune on every toy she craves, even a pony. When Carol discovers that's to compensate having to miss daughter Dani under his divorce custody settlement, she shows parental solidarity...

Hey, guys, come on in.
I wanna show you
J.T.'s new apartment.

Wow.

So? I mean,
the paint's still wet

in a few places,
but what do you think?

It's fantastic.
Really.

You'd never know this used
to be the beauty salon.

Well, except for that drain
in the middle of the floor.

Well, you know, given J.T.'s
barnyard bathroom habits,

the drain might come
in handy.

Sounds like
somebody's jealous

because J.T. gets a new
apartment and she doesn't.



Please.

I have a dream
that when I move out

there's gonna be two
time zones, a mountain range,

and an equator
between me and this place.

You guys are gonna have
a lot of trouble finding me.

Wow, I have
the same dream,

only in my dream,
we're not looking for you.

My God.
Frank's outwitting me.

It is time to move out.

Hey, Barky,
I got my own place.

I'd invite you over,
but no dogs aloud.

Dad.

You like it?
Yeah, this place is awesome.

And I got
great news.



so this place
won't cost you a penny.

How are you gonna do that?

You only have got
a part-time job.

Two words, room mate.

J.T...

You are not allowed to move
your girlfriend in here.

First of all, I know that,
and, second of all,
she said no.

So who's gonna be
your roommate?

Coming through!
Coming through!

Sorry.

Stand back,
or I'll slime you.

Come back here,
you little thief.

This is
a high-speed chase.

You better hope you have
good mileage on that thing,

because here I come.

Yes.
I've got you
in a cul-de-sac now.

What is going on here?

Well, you see, Lilly is
an international jewel thief,

and I am
Jean-Luc Van Damme,

Tae kwon do master,
kickboxer,

hairdresser to the stars,
and I'm undercover,

because she just tried
to get away

with a major
jewel thievery!

No, I mean,
where did all these
toys come from?

I thought you were just
gonna pick her up from school
and take her to the park?

Well, yeah, I did,
but on the way home
from the park,

we decided we needed
to stop at the toy store

and pick up a few
small items to play with.

Lilly, go upstairs while
I talk to Jean-Luc, okay?

Great. That's where
we put the new trampoline.

The new trampoline.

It, it makes her
feel taller.Jean-Luc.

I'm just going to go
upstairs to make sure

Yeah?
Would you come down?

Come. Come. Come.

Come here.

Are you out
of your mind?
Look at this.

Why did you buy her
all these toys?

Well, the thing is,
it wasn't really my fault.

I took her
to the toy store,

and she said,
"Okay, aisle six."

I know you're just trying
to be nice, Jean-Luc,

but you can't keep
buying her all these toys.

You are spoiling her.
Look at this.

No, I... I don't want
to spoil her.

I... I really don't,
so I'm going to stop it.

I give you my word.

Really. No more extravagant
diversions for Lilly.

Do you promise?
Absolutely.

Okay.

I'll get it.
What? Why?

Because it's for me.
It's for me.
It's my lawyer.

Open the door.

Hey, hey, hey.

Where's my little
pal, Lilly?

Carol, I'd like you
to meet my attorney,
Mr. F. Lee Bozo.

Man, this is
great, isn't it?

Is this great, or what?

Is this great,
or what?Yeah, man.

There's nothing better
than having your own place.

Hey, watch this.

Don't worry about it, man.
We got a drain back there.

Hey. Whoo!

Hey, and there's
no one around here

to bust our chops,
telling us to shut up
and go to bed.

Shut up and go to bed.

Hey, Dad, no offense,
but, this is our place.

You can't
just come in here
and tell us what to do.

Yeah? Watch.

You touch that stereo,
and I'll take it out back

and throw it
in the wood chipper.

In the real world,
my dad couldn't
just come in here

and lay down
a bunch of rules.

You're right.
You're absolutely right.

In the real world,
landlords lay down
all the rules.

So from now on,
I don't want you to think
of me as your dad.

I want you to think of me
as your landlord.

"Mr. Lambert, sir."

Come on, Dad.
No, no. No "Dad."

"Mr. Lambert, sir."

Now, what we will do
is draw up a lease.

That will do.

He's kidding, right?

Okay, now, number one,

the rent will be paid
on the first of the month,

which is tomorrow.

Number two, no loud music
after 11:00--

11:00? What are you
thinking about?Come on.

Okay, you're right.
After 10:00pm.

And number three.

If you even think about
having a girl here overnight,

I think you know
what I'll put in
the wood chipper next.

Hello,
Mr. Landlord, sir.

Mrs. Landlord, sir.
Hi.

Check it out.
It's our new satellite.

Hey, did you know
that in Mexico

Well,
isn't that special.

Hey,
aren't those dishes
kind of expensive?

Well, you know, see,
I'm glad you brought that up,

because, we kinda had
to dip into our rent money,

so we're gonna be
about a hundred bucks
short this month.

Okay? See ya.

Wait.
wait a minute, boys.
No, it's not okay.

You know,
in the real world,
there's no such thing

as being a hundred bucks
short on your rent.

Okay, Dad. I mean,
Mr. Landlord, sir.

What are you gonna do?
Evict us?

In a heartbeat.

He's such a kidder.

"In a heartbeat."

You're funny.

Bonjour.
Hi.

What the hell is that?

It's the new
Fishin' Magician.

56 different tools,
and it hangs
right on the belt.

Carol, I know I'm not
supposed to spoil Lilly,

but I bought her
just one more
tiny little present.

What now?
Come on, Carol.

It's just a little something
she fell in love with.

I didn't have the heart
to say no.

I want you to see it.
It's right out back.

Please?

because then I could use
my new Fishin' Magician.

Look, Mommy.
I got a pony.

- Well, isn't that great?
- Well, yeah.

Well, Frank, I hope
that Fishin' Magician
has a pooper scooper.

Jean-Luc, could you
come in the kitchen
for a minute, please?

Actually,
I'm rather busy.Right now.

A pony?

Well, I...

but you have
to draw the line somewhere.

Jean-Luc, I know that you
wanna be the fun uncle,

but you can't buy Lilly
everything she wants.

I know.
I know I shouldn't do it.

But it's just...

it's just really hard
for me to say no to Dani.

Dani?
What?

You said "Dani."
That's your daughter's name.

That's why
you've been buying
Lilly all these gifts.

'Cause you're missing Dani.

What...
What are you saying?

Are you saying that I am
using your daughter

as an emotional substitute
for my own daughter

just because
I am broken up inside

that I cannot see Dani,
the light of my life,

on her birthday,
which happens to be
this weekend,

because the divorce
settlement stipulates that

I cannot see her
until Christmas?

Well, you are wrong.
Are you wrong.

I laugh
at your wrongness.

Pan pizza for every meal.
This is the life!

Hey, listen,
you're not gonna believe
what I found out today.

We actually
have to pay for water.

No free water?
When did that start?

I don't know.
Next thing you know,

we're gonna be paying
for electricity too.

What's all our stuff doing
in the middle of the yard?

Maybe Dad's
putting in that new
Jacuzzi I asked for.

Hey.
Hey, there's a note.

"Dear tenants,
in view of the fact that
you have not paid the rent,

"you are hereby evicted.
The Management.

"P.S., don't try getting back
in the house, either.

"The locks have been
changed, and trespassers
will be shot on sight."

Yeah, right.

It looks like rain.

This is bad.

He actually
did change the locks.What? Hey!

Hey!
Let us in!

Let us in!
Let us in!

Hey, guys.
How's it going?

Lousy.
We're stuck out here
in the rain. Let us in!

I can't.

Why not?

Have fun out there
in the real world.

You know, I'm starting
to think your dad

was serious
about this eviction thing.

You think?

We gotta get him
to let us back in the house.

Look, let's just tell him
what he wants to hear,

we were wrong, he was right,

we learned our lesson,
yada, yada, yada.

Then maybe he'll let us
back in the house

Here he comes!

Ho!

Hey, guys.
How about this rain?

Boy, I'll tell ya,
it's weather like this
that makes you say,

"Thank God I have
a roof over my head."

Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad.

We were wrong.
You were right.

We learned our lesson.

Yada, yada, yada.
Now let us back in the house!

Well, as touching
as that apology was, son,

there's only one way
you're getting back inside,

and that's
to pay the rent.

But we don't have it.
What are we supposed to do?

Enjoy the great outdoors.

Hey!

Get back! Get back!

I get the house.
No!

I get the house!

You can have the house.
You can have the house.

Come on, let us in.
Dad, let us in!

Come on!
I can't feel my feet!

Please. Please!

Dana!
Dana! Dana!

Sweetie! Sweetie!
Let us in.

What is going on?
What?

Hey, you want a muffin?
These are great.

Thanks.

Look at this.

Dana, please!

I've got ice in my nose!

You know what, Frank?
I'm sorry.

I can't stand to see 'em
suffer like this.

Thank you, sweetie.
Thank you so much.

I love you--

There. That's better.

Dana! Dana, please!
Dana!

I'm gonna die out here!

You know what, Frank?
We really can't let them die.

Why not?

Well, you know, there'll
be police and coroners
and an inquisition,

and I have midterms
coming up. I don't have
time for that kind of thing.

Okay, I'll see if I can
work something out.
Let 'em in.

Yes!

God.

Okay, Dad,
we get the point.

We have to pay
the rent on time.

So we don't have
the money.

So how
can we fix this?

Well, I think
I have an idea.

I'd like to meet 'em
in J.T. and Rich's
apartment, please?

Either there's a rock
in my shoe or my big
toe just fell off.

Okay, guys.

Listen,
everybody has times

when they run
a little short on cash.

But that's when
you gotta get creative

and tap into your
personal assets.

You mean, like, become
a gigolo and have women

pay for the privilege
of dating me?

Well, that's
a good thought, son,

What's up, Dad?

Low, low prices.
Everything must go.

Mark, how much
money do you have
in your birthday fund?

Fifty bucks.
Congratulations.

You just
bought yourself a TV.

All right. Yeah!

Hey, that's my VCR.
That's included.

Well, make me an offer.

Forty bucks.
Forty bucks? Are you insane?

This thing's worth
at least a hundred.

Sold for $30.
Take it away, little lady.

Wow.
This is going swell.

Hey, how much for your
baseball card collection?

Dad,
it took me 15 years

to put that collection
together. It's priceless.

How about
I'll give you ten bucks?

No way!
It's the single most
important thing in my life!

Okay, 20.
But I'm taking your guitar.

Sold for $20.
Yes!

Well, I think
this went rather well.

I think
we been hosed.

Dad, you're cold.

Okay. You're right.

I'm your father,
you're my son,
and I love you.

And I should
cut you more slack.
Yada, yada, yada.

Welcome to the real world.

Bonjour.

Lilly? Lilly, are you ready
to go to the circus?

Your ringmaster of fun
has arrived.

Jean-Luc.

and, um, Lilly's not going
to the circus with you.
I'm going to take her.

Carol, I know that
I bought her too many toys,
but please don't do this.

Please don't do this.
I'm really looking forward
to taking her to the circus.

I know, I know, I know,
but I really think that
what I have planned

you'll like just as much,
okay? Now, trust me.
Sit here.

Okay.

Bonjour.

Dani?

Dani.

Dani, I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.

Are you really here?

Oui, oui.

Did you hear that?
She said, "Oui, oui."

I'm so happy.

I could just go "oui, oui"
all day long.

That come out wrong.

I missed you
so much.

I missed you too,
Papa.

How did you get here?

Well, when I saw how much
you were missing Danielle,

I just, um,
took it upon myself

to call your ex-wife
and talk to her, you know,
mother to mother.

I get to spend the whole
weekend with you.

The whole weekend.

Well, I'm,
going to go upstairs
and get Lilly.

Carol.
Yeah?

There are no words
I can say to thank you
enough for this.

Yeah, well, seeing you two
together is thanks enough.

Look at you. Look at you.
Look how much
you have grown.

The last time I saw you
you were a petit biscuit,

and now you are
an entire croissant.

Thank you, Papa.

Dani, come and sit down.

Are you tired
from your flight?

In fact, I am just passing
my second wind.

That came out wrong.

Mon coeur.

You are the apple
of your papa's ear.

What does that mean?

I don't know.

It just means
that I love you
very, very much.

Thank you for helping me
fold the laundry.

Nothing's too good
for my honey bunny.

Hey, I'm eating here.

When are you not eating?

Go fetch the paper,
Barky.

Hey, these are Dana's.

She must have dropped 'em.
I better go give 'em
back to her.

Hey, Mr. L.
Hey, Ri... Hey, Rich?

One quick question, son.

You mean these?

Allow me to clarify that.

Allow me
to clarify that further.

she was not wearing
this underwear.

Allow me to modify
my recent clarification.

You hold these,