Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 6, Episode 5 - The 'L' Word - full transcript

Hello, Lamberts.
Hey, Rich.

Where's, Dana?
Upstairs.

Good.
I wanted to surprise her.

Check this sucker out.

Yeah, this thing
has got sausage,

pepperoni, ham,
Canadian bacon,

Sounds like
a great date, Rich.

Dinner and
a heart attack.

Rich.
What are you
doing here?

I thought I'd come by
and surprise you,

share a pizza,
and maybe go to a movie.



I wish you'd called.
I already have plans.

I'm having dinner with
an old friend who's home
from college for a few days.

Well,
what's her name?

Her name?

Jeff Burton.

Jeff. Is that short
for Jeffarina?

No, you know Jeff.
He was in our class
in high school.

We were on
the debate team together.

Jeff Burton. Jeff Burton.

J.T., remember that guy,
skinny, acne case,

always walked around
with a "kick me" sign
on his back?

Yeah,
I remember that guy.
He was a real geek.

Yeah!

Hi.
Hey.



But a gorgeous geek.

Good luck, Richarina.

Jeff, hey,
come on in.

Sure.
You guys ever graduate?

Yes, in fact, we're a couple
of college guys
just like yourself.

Really?
Where do you go?

East Wisconsin U.

Yeah, it's the Harvard
of the cheese state.

And yourself?

Harvard.

Jeff's majoring
in pre-law.

Pre-law?

Well, I guess if you
couldn't get into law,

then pre-law is just as good
a major as any.

What are you
majoring in?Me?

I'm... undeclared.

But he's, like,
this close to declaring.

This close.
Yeah.

This close.

There's a picture of you
and me when we won that
regional debate tournament.

Hey,
and there's us
at the book fair.

Yeah,
look at the caption.

"Dana Foster
and Jeff Burton

Most likely to get married.

That's cute.
Can I just-- Thanks.

Isn't there a page in here
that doesn't have a picture
of you and Dana?

Hey, look,
there's one of me.

Hey. "Rich Halke
was voted most likely

"to end up
in a Mexican jail."

Hey, that came true!
Yeah.

Well, Dana,
we got to get going.

I made reservations
for us at Enchante.

That's the,
romantic French place.

Well,
see you guys later.

Yeah,
see you later, Jeff.

Dana,
you guys stay out
as long as you want.

9:00, 9:05,
whatever.

Bye, Rich.

Goodbye...
sweetheart.

I don't get it.

Right now?
Your girlfriend.

Carol? Honey, look.

Look, it's got, like,
78 different compartments
for worms.

It's like a--
like a Ramada Inn for bait.

but Virgil called
while you were out.

He's sick,
and he can't go camping.

I was really
looking forward to this trip.

I know, and that's
why I found someone
to take Virgil's place.

You did?

Cool. Who is it?

It's-- it's that you have
someone to go with,

someone whose heart
would be broken
if you said no,

someone who could cook
the fish you catch
in a nice, French sauce.

No. No, jeez.
Honey, you didn't.

And en garde.

of the camping
and the fishing.
We will bond.

We will get back to nature.
We will live off the land

like the two rugged
lumberjacks that we are.

Yes.

Thanks.

Frank, thank you
for taking me camping
with you.

I love this fresh,
mountain air.

Gives me the appetite
of Delta Burke.

Pork and beans.
I don't think so.

Really, there must be
a Thai restaurant

somewhere
on the campground.

Yeah. For Wisconsin
National Forest. I need--

Give me that.

Now let me explain
something to you, okay,
Jean-Luc?

We are camping out.
Camping out means
getting back to nature,

and that means not
bringing every modern
convenience with you,

like your cappuccino
machine or your
cell phone, okay?

Okay. Hey, hey,
hey, hey, listen. Here.

We're in the woods?
I mean, we're gonna
make our own fires,

we're gonna
cook our own meals.

Okay.
All right.

Yeah, well,
let me warn you
about something.

to put up their tents or
connect their propane tanks

and God knows what else.
Absolutely.

My lips are sealed.
Okay.

I'm going to,
go take care of
a little personal business.

Where...

Where does one
take care of one's
personal business?

Hi there.
Hello.

My wife and I are over
in the next camp site.

I see.

You guys
go camping a lot?

Well, no.

Well, you're gonna love it.
My wife and I go a lot,

and it really cuts
the stress from our jobs.

What do you guys
do for a living?

We are not
contractors.

No, siree, Bob. What--
the thing that we do is,

a thing that would never,
ever be useful up here.

What's that?
Brain surgeons.

By the way, I'm Gus.

Dr. Pepper.

Rich.

Are you waiting for Dana
and Jeff to get back
so you can spy on 'em?

I am not going
to spy on them.

Okay, that's them.
Beat it. I gotta hide.

Come on.
Out, out, out, out, out.

What a loser.

Lawyer says, "You think
you like my torts,

"wait till you see
my subpoena."

Jeff.

Well, thank you
for a great time.

I forgot
how much fun you are.

Yeah, I forgot how much
we have in common

and how great it is
to be with you.

I know, but the law school's
having a reception
for possible recruits,

and the Dean wants
me to go because
I'm his favorite undergrad.

Hey, why don't
you go with me?

Me?

You could check out
the campus,
see if you like it.

Come on. Go with me. You'll be back in a couple days.

Okay, I will.
Great.

I'll get you a seat
on my plane.

And I'll pick you up
around noon.

Perfect.

Goodnight.
Goodnight.

A-ha!

Rich.

You were spying on me?

You're darn right I was,
and it's a good thing too,

otherwise you would have
run off to Harvard

You know,
this is exactly why

I didn't tell you
I was having dinner with Jeff,

because I knew you
were gonna be jealous.

Jealous?
I am not jealous.

I am anything
but jealous.

If there's anything
I am not, it is jealous.

You're jealous.
You're darn right I am.

Rich, look, it is not
a weekend fling, okay?

We're just friends.
Just friends.

Then what
was that over there,
that little kiss?

Kiss?
That little peck?

Peck? That was
a full-on cheek-suck.

Rich, there is nothing
going on between me and Jeff.

I'm going to check out
the law school.

No, you're not.

I mean, you can't go.

Why not?

Because I... forbid you.

You...

...forbid me?

Yeah.

You're so cute.

He forbids me.

You're a real riot.

Hello.
Hi, sweetie.

All packed
for your trip to Harvard?

Yes. Um, can
I ask you something?

Sure.

Um, how can I put this
in the nicest possible way?

Why did you marry
a bonehead like Frank?

Excuse me?

I mean,
Frank is a great guy.

He's sweet
and he's caring,

and he's very handsome,

and I'm sure
the physical thing is good.

But, I mean, let's face it,
he's no brain surgeon.

I'm sure there is a point
to all this.

Could you get to it without
insulting my husband?

I'm just saying
that I'm sure there
was a lot of other guys

that you liked that you dated
before you picked Frank.

So how did you know
that he was the one?

I see. This is not
about Frank at all, is it?

Well...

was to check out
the law school, but...

now I don't know.

I was up all night
thinking about it,

and...

I think I kinda like Jeff.

I see.

I mean, he's the kinda guy
that I always thought
I would end up with.

I mean, he's smart
and he's sophisticated
and he's ambitious.

And when I was with him
last night,

And when you picture
yourself with Rich,
what do you see?

Well, Rich is great,
and he's a lot of fun.

He brings out a different
side of me that I kinda like.

But how do I know
if he's the guy for me?

and hope that they treat
you like the most special
person in the world,

and you're just going
to have to try to stop
analyzing this thing

and listen to your heart.

I hate that.

Well, welcome
to being a grownup.

Hi.

My husband
has gone fishing

Well, I don't know what
we could possibly do for you,

seeing as we are
definitely not contractors.

It's not that kind of help.

I'm having a baby.

Congratulations.
Now!

Sorry.
Contraction.

You're
having the baby now?

Yeah. I'm not due
for three weeks,

but I've been
having contractions
for about an hour.

God, I'm just so lucky
you two are doctors.

Listen,
why don't you
come right over here, yeah?

And you can lie down
in our tent,

and Dr. Lambert
will be right with you.

Doctors?
Well...

Someone said not to say
you were a contractor,

so what was I
supposed to say, Frank?

We are two
male hair dressers
alone in a tent?

I don't think so.

God,
my water just broke.

Now-- Now, ma'am,
I'm afraid that there's
been some mistake.

You see,
we're not really doctors.

In fact, I'm a--
I'm a contractor.

I don't care if you're
Chucko the Clown.

I'm having this baby,
and I'm having it now!

Frank. Frank.

Do something.
I don't do babies.

I mean, if he
comes out with hair,

Thank you.

Guys!

We can dial 911,
and they can talk us
through the delivery.

We can use
your cell phone.

I see.

Now it's all right
to use a modern convenience.

Get the phone and dial!

Well, I suppose next
her head is going
to spin around.

Keep calm.
Okay, it's all right.

Hello, 911, help!

I'm having a baby.

There isn't even
a Thai restaurant!

Give me that.
Now get over there.
Help her.

Hello. Yes, hello.

We have
a pregnant woman here,

Can you talk us
through a delivery?

Yes. Okay.

Hold on. Hold on.

Jean-Luc.
Jean-Luc.

Take a look?
Where?

Where do you think?

The entrance to baby land.

Here comes another one!

Breathe. Breathe in.
Big breath.

In and out.

That's good.
Okay, another one.

In... and out.

Breathe in...
and out.

Not you.
Will you stop it?

Okay.
Okay, okay.

Get there. Not there.
Get under there.

Miss. Miss.
Miss. Miss.

Miss! Hello.
Hello. Yes.

I know we haven't
been formally introduced.

My name,
as you probably know,

is Jean-Luc Rieupeyroux,
and...

I'm going to have to get
very, very familiar now.

The baby's coming!
I have to push!

Okay, well,
thank you very much.

Yeah, bye. All right,
there's an ambulance

on the way to take you
both to the hospital.

Everything's
gonna be okay now.

I can't thank you
both enough.

Do you think
I could hold him
for just-- just a minute?

Yeah.

Look, Frank.
Isn't he beautiful?

Yeah, he sure is.

We make
a good team?

In fact, if I ever
have another baby,

I want it
to be with you, Frank.

That come out wrong.

So, in summation,
Ms. Foster,

we at Harvard are very proud
of our expertise

in constitutional law,
civil procedure,
and contracts.

And except for that
windbag Dershowitz,

we don't give a damn
about the O.J. trial.

Yes. I know.

So what do you think?

Well, it is
really impressive
academically,

but this place is what Rich
would call "Butt Kisser U."

Look, I know
you're going out with Rich,

and he's a nice enough guy,

but if you came here,

we could build
a future together.

I mean,
we have the same goals.

We're the ideal couple.

Come on, Dana.

What do you say?

Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Hi. Sorry.

Is this the
Harvard Law School
reception thingy?

Yes. And unless you're
one of the Kennedys,

I'm quite sure you're
in the wrong place.

Okay.

There she is.
There's Dana. Thanks.

Dana! Dana!

Rich, what are
you doing here?

Look, I'm sorry to
just barge in like this,

but you gotta give me
a chance to tell you
how I feel about you.

Listen, Rich, this is
the Woodrow Wilson room.

This is not the place
for this sort of
emotional outburst.

Look, Dana, I'm sorry.
I don't like to say anything
bad about anyone,

but this is the kind of
guy who does things
without thinking ahead.

He's probably never given
a thought to the future

in his entire life,
and he never will.

Excuse me, but I do too
think about my future.

Why do you think
I drove 22 hours
to get here?

To make sure Dana
is in my future.

Well, that's easy
to say now,

I don't know.

have my whole life
mapped out like you, okay?

I may not be
some big-shot lawyer,

But I do know that
if Dana and I get
married someday,

at least I will have
the time to be with her.

Rich, you've actually
thought about us
getting married?

Was that out loud?

Really?
You love me?

Yeah, I really do.

Dana, I think
about you constantly.

And when I'm not
with you, it just
doesn't feel right.

I know.
When I'm not with you,
I don't feel right either.

I love you, Dana.

I love you, too.

You picking
Rich over me.

Doesn't make sense.

Well, I guess some things
don't have to make sense.

They just feel right.

Yeah,
and Jeff?

Bite me.

I can't believe we actually
convinced Rich and J.T.

to watch
Terms of Endearment.
I mean, you know,

normally Rich calls
a movie like that
a chick flick.

Well, I think we're having
a good influence on the guys.

I mean, since
I've been dating J.T.,

Really?

but, you know,
you get two guys together

and their macho
instincts kick in,

and the last thing
they wanna do
is be sensitive guys.

You mean...
she's gonna die?

But she's so young.

She's had so much pain.

It's so unfair.

So unfair.

It's so sad.

So sad.

Baby. Just hold me.
Hold me.

I think--
I think I need a hug.