Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 6, Episode 23 - The Kissing Game - full transcript

You know, you could at least
knock before you barge in.

Al, you know the rule.

No boys in the room.

Yeah?

Then what do you call that?

I'm not a boy.
I'm a man.

Seriously, Al, get out.

Okay,
where am I supposed to go

for a little privacy,
the closet?

It's taken.

Hi.
I'm Jessica.



Thanks for letting us
use your closet.

J.T.!

Out of your mind?

You can't have a date
in our closet.

Hey, well, we wanted
to use the room,

but Al and Mr. Smoochy Face
showed up,

so we had to improvise,

and, believe me,
we did.

Look, it is my room.
I am the oldest.

Now get out, or I'm gonna
have to get ugly.

It's too late.

Look, a party.

Hi, everybody.

Listen, Al,



could you cover for me
at the salon tomorrow?

I'm supposed
to open up for Mom,

but I have to buy a scarf
to match my new shoes.

I think
you see my dilemma.

Look, Karen, you can just
take that key and--

And you can just
give it right to Al.

I mean, darn it,
we're family.

Doesn't that mean anything
to anybody anymore?

What?

You come with me, missy.
You need a good talking to.

Don't worry about her.
I'll straighten her out.

J.T., why should I
cover for Karen?

Because this is the key
to the love shack.

What are you talking about?

Al, during the day,
it's a salon,

but at night
when nobody's there,

it's like having
your own apartment.

We could trade off nights.

You and Drew
can go up there one night,

and then me and--
what's the name of the girl
I was making out with?

-Jessica?
-Right, Jessica.

Me and Jessica, we can
go there the next night.

J.T., I never
thought I'd say this,
but you are a genius.

Yes, I am.

Well, how did
Jean-Luc take it

when you told him
he was coming over here
for a blind date?

I never told him.

You didn't tell him?

Honey, he's coming
over here now.

I know. I know.

But I knew if I told him
he was being fixed up,

he probably
wouldn't show up,

so I thought
it would be better

if I just, you know,
surprised him.

Carol, I don't think
that's a good idea.

I mean, come on.

Why is it that every time
you women

see some poor guy
roaming around free

you feel he's gotta
get roped in?

Roped in?

Is that how you feel about
our relationship, Frank,

that I roped you in?

Well, roped in
isn't what I meant.

Carol.

I adore these
American family barbecues.

The greasy,
fat-filled hamburger.

And these,
these little, yellow slices

of individually-wrapped
petroleum

that you naively call "cheese."

And for dessert, a marshmallow
burned to a crisp

on a filthy, dirty,
stick from a tree.

Now that's good eatin'.

Now where is the rest of your
barbecue-loving family?

Um, actually it's just gonna
be you, me, Frank,

and a woman named Julie
who's, gonna be sitting
next to you.

But it's not a date.

Carol,
you promised you would
not try to fix me up

with a woman until
I told you I was ready.

I know. I know.

But yesterday at the salon
I saw you fondling a wig

just a little too long,
and...

I thought,
"This man is ready."

But, Carol,
this is like
a blind date.

I feel trapped.

Don't go there.

Frank, tell her
how wrong this is.

Yeah, well, I'd love
to help you out,

but it gets real lonely
sleeping by myself.

Tell me about it.

Well, listen,
you French have to learn
to stand on your own, okay?

Listen,
Miss Love Connection,

this will never,
ever work.

Why not?

Because I don't even remember
what to do on a date.

You know
when was the last time
I had a date?

I'll tell you.

We went to see Police Academy 1.

Okay, so it was
a long time ago,

but I've seen you
around women.

You're very charming.

Yes, on the outside,

of course I'm suave,
masculine...

Virile love predator...

with a touch
of boyish charm

and just a--
just a hint of the kinky.

But that's just a facade,

a veil, a mask,

a cheap toupee I put
over the bald spot of my life.

Hey, come on.

I know
you're a little nervous,

but, you know,
you gotta start dating
sooner or later.

Now, you see,
what you're saying
makes sense.

Except for one thing.

-What?
-I'm leaving.

No, Jean-Luc--

Hi, I'm Julie.
You must be Jean-Luc.

No, I'm Ed
from Roto-Rooter.

I just came over
to snake out the toilets.

I'd shake hands with you,

but my arm has been
halfway to China and back.

See ya.

He's such a kidder.
Jean-Luc!

Jean-Luc.
This is Jean-Luc, and he
is so glad to meet you.

Yeah, no problem
being alone in here.

Yeah.

You know what I would
really like to do?

If there's a God
in Heaven, yes!

I would like
to shampoo you.

What are you doing here?

Nothing.
Now that you're here.

What's your excuse?

J.T., told me
about your little
love shack here,

and he gave me
a copy of the key.

Okay, um, all right,
we can make this work.

Look, we'll take
the main room,

and you and Mr. Bubbles can,
take the shampoo room.

Fine.

Here we are.

Hey, Al, bud. Y'all remember,
Jessica, right?

Great, now beat it.

-You wish.
-Yeah, we were here first.

Look, Al, listen,
I know I told you tonight
was your night,

but Jessica
has to work tomorrow, okay?

So we're gonna have
to do a little rescheduling,
so how's this?

I get it tonight,

and I don't really care
about anything else.

- You guys can work that out,
all right?
- No...

J.T., what's going on, man?

I ran into, like,
six other people who
have a key to this place.

Now, you told me
this would be my own
private paradise.

Sorry, pal.
Paradise is all
booked up tonight.

Excuse me, buddy.

Hi. Um, how many
other people

did you give a copy
of the key to?

Just a few close friends.

How few?

Anyone who had ten bucks.

What is going on here?

Hello? What is going on?

I don't believe this.

Josh and I were
walking down the street,

and we see everybody
having a party in here.

Yeah, well,
J.T. sold the key to,
like, a million people

so they could just
use this place
like a den of iniquity.

Cool.

Look, J.T., either I
get to be alone with Donna,

or I want my money back.

Yeah, man,
you ripped us off.
Pay up.

Hey, wait a minute!
Wait a minute.

I got an idea.

All right? Let's see.
All right.

I'll use the money
for food and stuff.

We'll have a major party.

Right on.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

I'm the man.
Yeah!

Can I ask you a question,
Frank?

Sure.

What's going on?

Every time I try
to talk to Jean-Luc,

he runs into the kitchen
to help Carol.

It's like he's trying
to avoid me.

No, no, he--
he's not avoiding you.

He, um, he likes to cook.

- No! No. No.
- I will not go out there.

I don't-- no.
You invite her,
you go out there.

You go out there.
But I cannot go out there!

I cannot face it! No!

Jean-Luc, would you
come sit out here please?

Okay.

Frank, could you
come in the kitchen

and help me
with something
for a minute?

- Yeah.
- I will be right back.
Just one moment.

Well, this will give us
a chance to talk.

Okay, I'll start.
Um, I'm from Chicago.

Where--
where are you from?

France. France.

I think I'll just,
go check the grill.

No, do-- do people
barbecue in France?

only Joan of Arc.

That's very funny.

I think that will lock in
the natural juices.

It's all ready.

Yeah, it's,
probably going to be

just a tad crunchy
on the outside,

but I don't see the--

Just don't mind
my fingers.

It's just a funny,
funny American bun.

They don't quite fit,
but anyway,

I don't think
it's anything that a little bit
of barbecue sauce won't fix.

- No?
- Sure.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Where is the napkin?

I--
I'm so-- so sorry.

It's all over,
and it's-- it's--

Sorry, off-- off-sides.
Off-sides.

Jean-Luc, Jean-Luc,
calm down.

Look, I know,
it's not easy being fixed up.

I'm-- I'm a little
nervous too.

No, I'm not nervous.

I...

I-I-I-I'm just,
not nervous,

because, you know,
I-- I am Jean-Luc.

You know what I am?
I'm a devil may care--

I'm sorry.

-It got me a little bit.
-No, look...

That was a little bit--
hurt me a little bit.

Okay, look,
if this blind date thing
isn't working out, okay,

just-- just say so.

I mean, you don't
have to be so uptight.

I am not uptight.
I'm loose.

And I'm loose as a goose.

And, you know, you are
a very loose woman.

I mean--
I mean...

I--
that come out wrong.

But, no, really, no,
I mean, you're beautiful.

You got this,
splatter film thing going

that's very, very--

and,
I like your perfume.

I don't know what it is.
May I ask?

I mean, it's delightful,
yet strangely smoky.

You're on fire.

"You're On Fire."

My goodness, that's a bizarre
name for a perfume,

but, then again, so is Joop.

No, Jean-Luc, you're on fire!

Jean-Luc!

Watch it. Watch it.

So, whereabouts
in Chicago are you from?

Thank you for lending me
your clothes, Frank.

Feel kind of like
a homeboy, you know.

I, think I found
your wallet, Jean-Luc.

Thank you.

Now let's get out back
and join the ladies.
Come on.

No, Frank. Frank,
I'm not going out there
after what happened.

Come on, Jean-Luc.
That was an accident.

People have slip-ups
like that all the time.

Frank, I set
my buttocks on fire.

Well, that's something
you usually wanna try and avoid

on a first date, yeah.

I made a total fool
of myself.

Jean-Luc, listen.

I-- I know it's hard
to start dating

when you've just
been through a divorce,

but you gotta
give it a shot.

I mean,
once you get past
being nervous,

you might actually
have a good time.

Yeah, that's easy
for you to say, Frank,

because you already have found
the perfect woman in Carol.

Well, that's what makes it
worth the risk.

Somewhere out there
is a woman as perfect
for you

as Carol is for me.

Really?

Think there's someone
for me as perfect as Carol?

Sure, but you're never
gonna find her

unless you
get out there and try.

And you can get out there
and try.

Okay.

Thank you, Frank.
Thank you.

Hey.

You know, it's been so long
since I hug anybody.

God, I need a woman.

Well, we just about
got everything cleaned up.

I'll just go out back
and, help Carol.

Listen, again, I am--

I am so, so sorry
about, your blouse.

It's okay, really.

No, no, no.
It's not okay,

but I want
to make it up to you,

and not
just for the blouse.

For the whole evening.

So...

would you
like to...

-go...
-Out?

...to a movie?

- That would be nice.
- Really?

Thank you.
That's so nice.

Thank you.
If you didn't say yes,

I would have to go outside
and set myself on fire again.

Hey, I have an idea.

Why don't Frank and I
go get some takeout,

and you two
can just stay here

and get to know
each other better?

That would be
super extra fantastic.

Hey, I know. We'll go
to the Chinese restaurant
right next to the salon.

That's a good idea.
Frank, don't forget.

Tell the chef that you are
a friend of Jean-Luc.

He will make you an enormous
platter of pu pu.

That come out wrong.

You know what
is so great about us?

The fact that we cannot
keep our hands off
one another?

Besides that.

It's the way you get me
to loosen up.

I mean, the old me
would have been afraid
to have this party.

But now I've got
a whole new attitude.

You know,
we should do this
all the time.

I mean, Mom and Frank
will never find out.

They don't
have the first clue
about what's going on.

They might as well
be Ross Perot.

Dana,
they're right behind you.

Yeah,
they're right behind me.

I'm in trouble now.

Rich, I'm 20 years old.
What's gonna happen?

My mom's gonna catch me?

Hello, Dana.

My God, it's Mommy.

All right, anyone here
who is not related to me

by blood or marriage,
get out of here.

And, you, this is
way too much mousse.
Get out.

Rich, you can stay.

Good.

All right, would anyone like
to tell me how this happened?

All right! All right.
I get the picture.

I cannot believe...

Rich, how come your head
smells like tropical fruit?

and she used this
really nice mango rinse--

Never mind, never mind,
never mind.

You are all responsible,

so you will all be
cleaning up this mess,

and you will all be cleaning
this salon every night

for the next three,
count 'em, three weeks.

Any questions?

Yeah.

Can we get
to the real issue now?

And what, in your mind,

is the real issue?

That this whole thing
would have never happened

if we had some privacy
and a place to take our dates

so we could, you know,
do...things.

I-I-I get it.

So this is really our fault

for not giving you
your privacy.

Duh.

You know, Frank,
I think I understand.

I mean, after all,
it wasn't so long ago

that you and I were teenagers,

and I remember
what it was like

to go on a date
and want some privacy.

So I'll tell you what.

I'll tell you what.

Frank and I
will rent an apartment

that you can all share.

You can being your
girlfriends and boyfriends

and do whatever you want,

and Frank and I just won't
have to know about it.

Really?

No!

Are you crazy?

You want privacy?

Grow up,
get a job, move out.

Now clean up this salon!

Nice going, bone head.

-Hey, come on.
-Stupid.

No, no, you guys,
all right, look.

I'm the oldest.
I should have known better.

You guys go,
and Rich an I'll
clean it up.

Really?

Yeah, buddy,
don't worry about it.

We'll take care of it.

What a guy, man.
What a guy.

They're so stupid!

Hey, Brendan.
Have you seen Lilly?

Yeah, she's in the girl's room
with some boy playing doctor.

Lilly, open the door.

No, we're playing doctor.

It'll ruin the game.

Lilly, I'm going
to count to three,

and then I'm gonna
open the door.

One, two, three.

E, O, Z.

You're playing
eye doctor.

Yeah, Mommy.
What did you think?

Well, Mommy's just been under
a lot of stress lately.