Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 6, Episode 11 - Absolutely Fabio - full transcript

When Dana belittles Carol's job, notably supervising a six year-old's birthday party, they bet $50 Barky can't do it without screaming for adult help, and soon finds her Nazi methods barely can control lover-boy Rich; then Frank finds... At home, Jean-Luc brags to the other kids about a celebrity client at his salon, but all his 'inadverted' hints fail to make them guess, so they come along and meet Fabio, an instant hit with the girls.

That's a sandwich.

Hi, J.T.
Hey, Lilly.
What's up?

I just wanted
you to know

Well, thank you.

And, because
you're my favorite,

you don't have to get me
anything for my birthday.

Aw, come on.
I gotta get you something.

Well, okay.
You can get me a sticker.

'Cause Al's getting me
something really good.

Really?
What's Al getting you?

Barbie's Malibu
Dream House.



Well, if Al's
getting you that,

then, your best brother's
gonna get you

the best birthday present
you've ever seen.

I'm registered
at Toys "R" Us.

On my way.

Yes!

Karen...

Carol, have you
seen my bathrobe?

The white
terry-cloth one?

Yeah. I can't
find it anywhere.

Morning,
Mr. L, Mrs. L.

Good morning, baby.

Man, I love
living right next door.

What do you want
for breakfast,
sweetheart?



No breakfast
for me, thanks.
I already ate.

By the way,

you're out of eggs,
bacon, milk,

orange juice,
cottage cheese,

fruit, and,
yeah, potatoes.

Rich,
that's my bathrobe.

Yeah, I know.
It's nice and toasty, too.

Had I seen that one...

You don't mind that
I borrowed this, do you?

Yes, I do.
Now take it off.

I'd rather not.

I want you
to take it off now.

Okay,
but I'm au naturel.

Jeez.

Keep it on.

When you're done with it,
burn it.

I don't want any
breakfast now, honey.

I'm not hungry.

By the way, Dana,
I hope you're not
busy on Saturday,

'cause I could really
use some help

with Lilly's
birthday party.

What do you need
help for?

Just let the
little brats
run around,

stuff 'em
full of cake,

I see. So you think
handling a birthday party

with 16 little
six-year-olds is easy?

Are you kidding?

All you need to do
is let them know
who's the boss.

I would like
to see you put your money
where your mouth is.

Fifty bucks says
that you can't run
Lilly's birthday party

without begging for help.

You're on.

I can vouch for that.

I'm usually the one
who does the begging.

You know what?
I don't want
any breakfast either.

Yes!
That's my first win.

Hey, hey. Guys.

Guys, could you
please keep it down?

Let me save you some time.
You don't got one.

Hey, Jean-Luc.
Hey, Jean-Luc.

Karen, I want to thank you
for lending me this tape.

After
carefully reviewing it,

I'm happy to say
that I was right.

I do in fact
have buns of steel.

Now then,
who would like to guess
what I am doing this Saturday?

Using your butt
as a wrecking ball?

No.

This Saturday,
I, Jean-Luc Rieupeyroux,

will be cutting the hair of
somebody so incredibly famous

that when you find out
who it is,

you will all die.

Who is it?
I cannot tell you.

My client has
sworn me to secrecy.

There is nothing
you can say or do

that will make me
divulge the identity

of my incredibly
famous client.

Unless, of course, you happen
to figure out who it is

by flipping through
this celebrity magazine

and sneaking a peek
at his or her picture.

In which case,
it's not my fault.

It's just
a little thing...

Is it Dennis Rodman?

Nope. He has his hair cut
at 31 Flavors.

Is it
Michelle Pfeiffer?

Get real.
She's married.

And it's a shame too,

Look,
it's the Baywatchbabes.

Is it one of them?

That's not Baywatch.

Get some glasses.

This is somebody so big

that they have
only one name.

Sting.
No.

Cher.
No.

Gandhi?

No.

He's dead and he's bald.

I give you one more hint.

This person
has the only one name,

and it begin
with the letter F.

Flipper.

Yes, that's right, Brendan.
It's Flipper.

I'm going to cut
Flipper's hair.

I'm going to dive
right into that tank,

and I'm gonna put some
dippity-do on his dorsal fin.

Yes, that's what I--
All right, this group
is never gonna figure it out.

It's hopeless.
Unless, of course,

you happen to show up
at my apartment this Saturday

at exactly 2:00 p.m.

where I will be
cutting this incredibly
famous person's hair

who has only one name
that begin with
the letter F.

That's Saturday, 2:00 p.m.,

Jean-Luc Rieupeyroux,

one word,
begins with the letter F,

but you didn't
hear it from me.

And people say
I can't keep a secret.

Ha!

Hello, boys.

Hi, Mrs. Lambert.

Hi, Carol.
I'm sorry we're late,

but the boys
had a little problem.

See, Brian stuck
a peanut up his nose,

and Ryan tried to get it out
with a Dustbuster.

It worked.

A marble?

Well, it's okay.
We're just
getting started.

Come on in.
Come on in.

Well, I'm gonna be
next door getting coffee
if you need me.

Well, I
won't be here.

My daughter Dana
thinks it's easy

so she'll be running
this whole thing for me.

Hi.
Hi.

Did you ever
run a children's
birthday party before?

Do you get
migraine headaches?

You will.

Well, Dana,
I'll be next door

having some coffee
with Frank,

it'll cost you 50 bucks.

Wow.

A ball pit!
Whoo!

Rich.
Rich! Hey!

Rich.

Dive! Dive!

Rich.

You are not a guest.

You are here to help me
with the party.

Do I get cake?
If you're good.

You're strict.
I like that.

Get out.

We want tokens!
We want tokens!

Okay!
All right. All right.

Everybody,
quiet down.

All right, how many--

We want...

- We want tokens!
- We want tokens!

All right,
fun time is over.

It is time
to start the party.

Here are the rules.

No running,
no yelling,
no hitting.

Lady, lady, lady.

What?
He licked me.

No licking.

How are we supposed
to have ice cream
if we can't lick?

Okay, you can
lick ice cream.

Can we lick the pizza?

You can lick food,
but not a person.

What if we lick somebody
by accident?

Can we just move on
from this whole licking thing?

When do we
get to play?

Yeah!

Hey, play on
your own time.

This is a party.

Boo!

You're ruining
my party!

Honey,
you know,

might wanna lighten up
with this whole
Nazi thing.

I mean, I find it
very attractive,

but I don't think
the kids are digging it.

Listen,
kids respect an adult

who is not afraid
to lay down the law, okay?

All right,
one more rule.

No throwing food.

Hey, kids.
I'm Possum Dave.

Obviously.

For the next
five minutes,

all games are free!

Wait a minute!

Get back here! Hey!
I'm in charge here.

Listen to me!

All right, stop it.

Stop it.
That's enough.

All right.
All right, enough.
Enough now. Serious.

Rich!
Rich, help me.

Get me out of here.

Back. Back--
Away!

Away! Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Look! Look!
Free tokens.

Free! Free!

Away! Away!

What? Honey,
let me help you.

Let me help you, honey.

I got you. I got you.

All right. Okay.

You okay? You--

I'll--I'll accept that
as an accident.

Where were you?

and they both
missed target.

Great. So I'm out here
fighting for my life,

and you're worried
about your socks?

Honey, they're just
having a little fun.

Besides,
I thought you said
babysitting wasn't hard.

Well, maybe
it wouldn't be

if you were
out here helping me

instead of playing
with the kids.

Lady!

More tokens.
More tokens.
More tokens...

Be quiet. I'm having
a conversation, okay?

You know, maybe the kids
wouldn't be so wild

if you were a little bit
more nurturing.

What do you mean
I'm not nurturing?

Pipe down now,
you little twerp.

How cute.

A couple of kids
are playing tug of war...

With your jacket.

Hey.

Put that down.
Drop it!

Ryan, where are
you going?

I want my mommy.
That whistle lady's mean.

The whistle lady?

No, she's yelling
at the guy I peed on.

You peed on a guy?

Frank,
we can't have kids

Let's go in there
and take over.

Honey,
wait a minute.

If Dana doesn't know
that Ryan's out here,

we could let her
sweat a little.

How about I take you
inside to your mom

and we'll let
Mrs. Lambert

go in there and torture
the mean whistle lady?

Yeah.
Yeah.

Yeah.
Yeah!

Hey, Jean-Luc.

Hey.

waiting for a famous
celebrity client
at exactly 2:00 p.m.?

You told us.

Well, never mind.

Since you're here,
you may as well meet

my incredibly famous
celebrity client

who has only one name
which begin with
the letter F.

Well, J.T. thinks
he knows who the
mystery client is.

It's Frederique, right?
The underwear model, right?

Come on, say it's her.
Please, please, please.

He's a little worked up
over this.

That's why I decided
to come along.

Sam, you know I'm
totally devoted to you,

but the human body
is God's finest work of art.

I mean, can't I
enjoy a masterpiece
when I see one?

J.T., did I mention that
this masterpiece is a guy?

That's sick.
Let's get out of here.
Come on, Sam.

Wait a minute.

Jean-Luc, is your client
a good-looking guy?

Well, he has the body
of a Greek statue.

Well, hey, J.T.
has the body of a statue.

Buddha.

Okay, everybody
just act naturally.

If it's Famous Amos,

I hope
he brought cookies.

My God.
It's Fabio.

Bonjour, mon ami.
Hey, bonjour,Jean-Luc.

Isn't he gorgeous?

Well, to tell you the truth,
I'm really not that impressed.

Can you please
take my jacket?

Sure.

Okay.
Now I'm impressed.

Fabio,
I'd like you to meet
some of my friend.

Somehow they found out
that you were
going to be here,

and they just couldn't,
pass up the opportunity

to meet a world-famous
celebrity like yourself.

Well,
who could blame them?

It's a pleasure...

To meet...

You.

Fabio,
would you like
to sit in a chair?

Sure.
Why not?

I don't get it.

A body and a job.

My God.

That is one
massive Italian.

I have over 500
of your novels, Mr. Fabio.

To tell you the truth,
I didn't write
all those novels.

I just posed
for the covers.

That's okay.
I don't read them.

I just look at
your picture.

Don't worry, honey.
I still make the money.

Okay, I'm ready
to begin.

Everybody,
stand back.

I, Jean-Luc Rieupeyroux,

am about to
get a vision.

Yes,
I'm seeing the vision.

I'm seeing
the perfection,

and I know exactly
how to achieve it.

Get ready for the total
hair-styling experience

and complete
grooming makeover.

Yes! Voila.

Fini!You are perfect once again.

See you again
in six months.

I want
that hair.

No,
it's mine!

Not if I
can help it.

I have a package of my hair
just for this occasion.

For each of you.

Here we go.

So how do you like
your new haircut?

Jean-Luc,
you are a genius.

No, come on.
You are a genius.

No, no, no, you are.

Come on!
You are a genius.

Okay, I'm a genius.

And I'm Fabio.

We want cake!
We want cake!

Okay. Okay.

All right.
Okay, all right.

Everybody, sit down,

Hey, I caught
a couple more of 'em.

Found 'em breaking into
the token machine

with a screwdriver.

That was
a good one, too.

Hi, Dana.
How's it going?

Great.
It's going just great.
Right, kids?

Boo!

Gee, Rich.
Maybe we should
take a head count

so we know how many pieces
of cake to cut?

You got it.
Two, four, six, eight,

ten, 12, 14, 15 kids.

No. No, that's impossible.

We're supposed
to have 16.

God, Rich.
I think we lost a kid.

You lost a kid?

Well, we still got
15 out of 16.

That's good enough
for an A, isn't it?

Rich, these are kids.
Not a spelling test.

We... We need
all of 'em.

We want cake!
We want cake!

Ryan! Ryan!

Whichever one you are,
where are you?

Gee, Dana, you sound
kind of frazzled.

Frazzled?
I'm going insane.

God, I wish somebody could
just make 'em be quiet.

Hey, five tokens
to the kid who can
keep quiet the longest.

Ryan. Ryan.

It's time
for the cake.

Come out.

Mom,
I need your help.

I'm begging.

Begging?
You owe me 50 bucks.

Who cares about the bet?
I lost a kid.

You mean
Ryan, the other twin?

Yes.

He's okay.

We found him outside,

You mean you knew
he was safe

Yeah.
It was really fun.

I can't believe that.

How could you
do that to me?

Excuse me
just a minute.

Weren't you the one
who said,

"Why do you need help,

"all you need to do
is let 'em know who's boss"?

Okay, fine,
so I underestimated
how hard it is

to be in charge
of something like this.

Well, everyone does,
you know.

Unless you've
had a kid,

Mothers get no credit
for this work,

and it is the single
most important job

we have as adults.

You're right.

I don't give you
enough credit.

I mean,
with seven of us,

I have no idea how
you can handle that.

You'll do just fine
when you have your own kids.

Why?

Don't do that.

Okay, kids, it's time
to sing the birthday song.

Okay, Lilly,
make a wish.

I wish Dana
would lighten up.

"And so...

"they gaze into
each other's eyes,

"knowing that the fire
of their passion

"would burn on
throughout their lives...

"Forever... And ever.

"And ever."

That's the end.

That was so romantic.

Read it again.

I'm sorry, ladies,
but I have to go

or I'll miss my flight.

Can you wait
just a minute?

Sure.
Okay.

I don't have
any of your books.

I'll just go get my
pillow for you to sign.

Okay.

Hi. I'm Fabio.

My God.
I'm hallucinating.

No, you're not.
Honestly, I am Fabio.

Yeah, right,
and I'm Aretha Franklin,
queen of soul.