Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 6, Episode 10 - How the West Was Won - full transcript
Tired of having to 'play sheriff' when the kids fail to do any chores or practice house hygiene, Frank dozes off with a western and imagines being a Wild West sheriff gone to the dogs so he wakes up in his own jail, while Black Bart Rieupeyroux could take over and turn the town fatally French and will marry his beloved, madam Miss Kitty, unless he can clean up his act and clean the town Happy Valley...
Hey, Rich.
Check this out.
Brilliant.
All right, listen up,
you overgrown moochers.
Carol and I are both
working late tonight,
so we made a list
of chores for you to do
before we get home.
Wash the dishes,
do the laundry,
vacuum, dust,
clean out the basement,
sweep the garage,
mow the lawn,
change the linens,
water the plants,
and whatever's growing in that
bathroom upstairs, kill it,
and then clean it.
Anything else?
Yeah, scrape that pancake
off the ceiling.
Done.
I don't believe this.
I thought
I left instructions
to clean this place up.
Kids.
Looks like you got
some butt to kick.
Yeah, and I'm gonna
start with yours.
Now take those dishes
into the kitchen
and start cleaning.
Come on, J.T.
Come on.
Come on, Dad.
What's the big deal?
Gosh, you just told us
like ten hours ago.
You know, you're right.
You guys just do
whatever you want, okay?
I'm exhausted.
You can live like pigs.
Wallow in garbage.
Let the rats take over.
Okay. Good night, Dad.
I'm tired of being
the sheriff of Lambert county.
Not anymore.
Greetings, good people
of Happy Valley.
We're the newlyweds.
Bite me.
and build ourselves
a little house
on the prairie.
Didn't you two hear
what I was singing about?
This place has gone to seed ever
since you-know-who moved in.
Who?
Black Bart Rieupeyroux.
Out of my way, Grandma.
I think I hear him comin'!
Howdy.
-Who's...
-That?
Why, that's
the baddest gunslinger
this side
of the French Riviera.
Black Bart
Rieupeyroux.
Thank you.
What do you want now,
Black Bart?
I want you.
I've come to demand
your hand in marriage.
In fact, I'll take
all the other parts, too.
I'd sooner bed down
with a billy goat
than marry you.
Save the kinky stuff
for the wedding night.
All right, everyone...
If Miss Kitty
will not marry me,
I will make
this town suffer
like the audience
at a Pauly Shore concert.
First,
the official language
will change
from English to French.
And then instead
of eating pork and beans,
you will all eat...
snails and beans.
And then...
Would you wait
until I've said it?
And then,
to make the town
truly French,
bathing will be outlawed.
Now.
What do you say about that,
Miss Kitty?
I say you wouldn't
be actin' like this
if my beloved
Sheriff Frank was still
the man he used to be.
Well, why don't you go get
your beloved Sheriff Frank?
Why don't you go get him?
I'll tell you why.
Because he's a yellow-bellied,
washed-up, gin...
What?
gin-guzzling
pile of buffalo chips.
Pa?
Pa. Pa.
Are you fixin'
to get up today?
Who are you?
Yeah.
Hello, son.
Whoo-whee!
Pa, that breath of yours
could strip the makeup
off of Tammy Faye Bakker!
Howdy.
We're the newlyweds.
That's so beautiful.
Are you the sheriff?
No, sir.
I'm the half-wit deputy.
This here drunk's
the sheriff.
Sheriff. Sheriff.
You must save us.
Black Bart is gonna
run the town into the ground
if Miss Kitty
won't marry him.
I get the vapors
just thinking about that.
You've gotta do something.
Little lady...
...let me tell you
a sad story.
Say there, Sheriff,
what key is that,
sad story in?
Well, gee...
"G" it is.
Well, you know,
once upon a time,
things was good
in Happy Valley.
People believed
in law and order,
and everybody listened
to the sheriff.
And then,
all of a sudden,
things went bad.
People started
leavin' their toys
out on Main Street,
you know?
And the "crick" got full
of dirty dishes?
Dirty dishes everywhere.
Nobody did what
they was supposed to.
Got him. Okay.
And that's why,
little lady,
I am the way I am.
That's why I've crawled into
this here bottle of hooch.
And that's been
my address ever since.
Well, I know it's tough
bein' sheriff, but--
Knock it off.
I know it's tough
being sheriff,
but you can't turn
your back on the town.
I mean, you love
Miss Kitty, don't you?
Don't you?
Yeah, of course I love her.
Who we talkin' about?
Why, Miss Kitty.
I love her.
She makes
my heart sing.
Why, I'd climb the highest
mountain for her.
I'd swim
the deepest sea.
I...
I would crawl across
a burnin' desert.
Well, then you gotta
sober up.
Are you
out of your mind?
Well, but you cannot let her
marry Black Bart Rieupeyroux.
What was that?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
But it happens
every time you say
"Black Bart Rieupeyroux."
Somewhere in this room,
there's a little
"pianer" player.
Sorry.
Goodie.
But, Sheriff,
you have got to save us.
You're our only hope.
Thank you.
Well, dear,
if I'm your only hope,
you're up Stinky Crick
without a paddle.
Wake me when
"Gunsmoke" is on.
Miss Kitty, I can't believe
you're marryin' Black Bart.
Well, somebody's
gotta save the town,
and my beloved Frank
is about as helpful
as sandpaper
in an outhouse.
so we could get
this whole thing over with.
Somebody call
for a preacher man?
You're a preacher man?
Well, actually,
I'm the son
of a preacher man.
You must be
the lucky bride.
Now, where's the groom?
Mr. Black Bart
Rieupeyroux?
Out of my way,
little girl.
I don't want
no stinking cookies.
I think
I hear him comin'!
Howdy.
What are you looking at?
You make a lovely bride,
my dear.
you filthy, pathetic sack
of prairie dog puke.
This is already going better
than my first marriage.
All right, come on.
Let's tie the knot,
sweet cheeks.
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today
to join this man
and this woman
in unholy matrimony.
If anyone sees fit
to object,
speak now or forever
hold your peace.
Can we try that again?
No, please carry on.
For a brave savior
on a white horse.
The sheriff is coming.
Somebody call for
a savior on a white horse?
Pa!
Pa, wake up!
Sheriff!
Sheriff, Sheriff.
I'm so glad
you're here.
Me, too.
You're a filthy,
pathetic, sloppy mess,
but at least
you're here.
Well, I couldn't
stand the thought
of you marryin' another man,
so I cast aside my liquor
and I stood up,
and then I fell down.
And then I stood up again,
and I fell down again.
Then I passed out
for about three hours,
but, came to,
took a couple Advil,
feel pretty good.
Where is this Frenchie?
Right here.
Okay, Frenchie.
I--.
The only way for you
to prevent this wedding
is to shoot me dead.
there's a good idea.
Okay, I challenge you
to a showdown.
A showdown? Ha!
The last time
you shot a gun,
Dr. Pepper was still
in medical school.
Sorry.
All right, I'll show you
I can still shoot.
Stand aside,
wine drinker.
Well, nice shootin',
Sheriff.
Well, not really.
I was aimin' at the mirror.
Well, maybe this showdown
isn't such a good idea.
Maybe?
The man just missed a mirror
the size of Cleveland!
Should we make
a run for it, Pa?
Come on!
God, son, listen to me.
There comes a time
in everyone's life
when a man's gotta do
what a man's gotta do.
Wake up, son.
Pa!
Like I said,
that's just one of life's
little do-dos.
Excuse me.
When you're done with
Forrest Gump over there,
we have a showdown
to schedule.
Let's meet here at noon.
High noon.
Ninety-nine! 27! 100!
Maybe Sheriff Frank
can stay sober.
Maybe he can
beat Black Bart.
Maybe he can
save Happy Valley.
Maybe we should just bend over
and kiss our butts good-bye.
Well, yeah,
we could do that, too.
Hello,
my luscious wife-to-be.
Don't be so sure.
This dream ain't over yet.
I wonder what could be
keepin' the sheriff.
Cool! Sheriff Frank
has a theme song, too.
Sheriff.
Sheriff.
Sheriff, I beg of you.
-Don't do this.
-Save it, little lady.
No, no, you mustn't die
for the sake of the town,
even though Black Bart
wants me and nobody else.
What are you two doing
after the wedding?
I'm sorry, ma'am.
Confidentially,
I got a wedgie
the size of
the Louisiana Purchase.
Now I know why John Wayne
walked that way.
Well, all right, pilgrim.
Say your prayers,
law man.
Okay, barkeep.
We're ready
when you say "draw."
Draw!
We knew
you could do it, Sheriff.
I've fallen,
and I can't get up.
But, Pa, Pa,
where's Black Bart's bullet?
Way to go, Sheriff.
Sheriff.
Sheriff, you are my hero.
Well, now we can
get married.
Music please.
Sing now, Pa?
Snail?
What have you got,
Sheriff?
I've got four aces.
Well, you lose,
because I've got five aces!
Well, that makes nine aces,
and that's one more
then comes in a deck.
You're a low-down,
rotten, dirty cheater.
Nobody calls me
a cheater!
I am Black Bart
Rieupeyroux!
I still got it.
Well, you're going down.
Any last words?
Yeah.
Look, it's J.R.!
Sheriff.
You were wonderful.
It's great to have you
around these parts.
Well, Miss Kitty,
it's great to be around
those parts.
Sheriff.
Check this out.
Brilliant.
All right, listen up,
you overgrown moochers.
Carol and I are both
working late tonight,
so we made a list
of chores for you to do
before we get home.
Wash the dishes,
do the laundry,
vacuum, dust,
clean out the basement,
sweep the garage,
mow the lawn,
change the linens,
water the plants,
and whatever's growing in that
bathroom upstairs, kill it,
and then clean it.
Anything else?
Yeah, scrape that pancake
off the ceiling.
Done.
I don't believe this.
I thought
I left instructions
to clean this place up.
Kids.
Looks like you got
some butt to kick.
Yeah, and I'm gonna
start with yours.
Now take those dishes
into the kitchen
and start cleaning.
Come on, J.T.
Come on.
Come on, Dad.
What's the big deal?
Gosh, you just told us
like ten hours ago.
You know, you're right.
You guys just do
whatever you want, okay?
I'm exhausted.
You can live like pigs.
Wallow in garbage.
Let the rats take over.
Okay. Good night, Dad.
I'm tired of being
the sheriff of Lambert county.
Not anymore.
Greetings, good people
of Happy Valley.
We're the newlyweds.
Bite me.
and build ourselves
a little house
on the prairie.
Didn't you two hear
what I was singing about?
This place has gone to seed ever
since you-know-who moved in.
Who?
Black Bart Rieupeyroux.
Out of my way, Grandma.
I think I hear him comin'!
Howdy.
-Who's...
-That?
Why, that's
the baddest gunslinger
this side
of the French Riviera.
Black Bart
Rieupeyroux.
Thank you.
What do you want now,
Black Bart?
I want you.
I've come to demand
your hand in marriage.
In fact, I'll take
all the other parts, too.
I'd sooner bed down
with a billy goat
than marry you.
Save the kinky stuff
for the wedding night.
All right, everyone...
If Miss Kitty
will not marry me,
I will make
this town suffer
like the audience
at a Pauly Shore concert.
First,
the official language
will change
from English to French.
And then instead
of eating pork and beans,
you will all eat...
snails and beans.
And then...
Would you wait
until I've said it?
And then,
to make the town
truly French,
bathing will be outlawed.
Now.
What do you say about that,
Miss Kitty?
I say you wouldn't
be actin' like this
if my beloved
Sheriff Frank was still
the man he used to be.
Well, why don't you go get
your beloved Sheriff Frank?
Why don't you go get him?
I'll tell you why.
Because he's a yellow-bellied,
washed-up, gin...
What?
gin-guzzling
pile of buffalo chips.
Pa?
Pa. Pa.
Are you fixin'
to get up today?
Who are you?
Yeah.
Hello, son.
Whoo-whee!
Pa, that breath of yours
could strip the makeup
off of Tammy Faye Bakker!
Howdy.
We're the newlyweds.
That's so beautiful.
Are you the sheriff?
No, sir.
I'm the half-wit deputy.
This here drunk's
the sheriff.
Sheriff. Sheriff.
You must save us.
Black Bart is gonna
run the town into the ground
if Miss Kitty
won't marry him.
I get the vapors
just thinking about that.
You've gotta do something.
Little lady...
...let me tell you
a sad story.
Say there, Sheriff,
what key is that,
sad story in?
Well, gee...
"G" it is.
Well, you know,
once upon a time,
things was good
in Happy Valley.
People believed
in law and order,
and everybody listened
to the sheriff.
And then,
all of a sudden,
things went bad.
People started
leavin' their toys
out on Main Street,
you know?
And the "crick" got full
of dirty dishes?
Dirty dishes everywhere.
Nobody did what
they was supposed to.
Got him. Okay.
And that's why,
little lady,
I am the way I am.
That's why I've crawled into
this here bottle of hooch.
And that's been
my address ever since.
Well, I know it's tough
bein' sheriff, but--
Knock it off.
I know it's tough
being sheriff,
but you can't turn
your back on the town.
I mean, you love
Miss Kitty, don't you?
Don't you?
Yeah, of course I love her.
Who we talkin' about?
Why, Miss Kitty.
I love her.
She makes
my heart sing.
Why, I'd climb the highest
mountain for her.
I'd swim
the deepest sea.
I...
I would crawl across
a burnin' desert.
Well, then you gotta
sober up.
Are you
out of your mind?
Well, but you cannot let her
marry Black Bart Rieupeyroux.
What was that?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
But it happens
every time you say
"Black Bart Rieupeyroux."
Somewhere in this room,
there's a little
"pianer" player.
Sorry.
Goodie.
But, Sheriff,
you have got to save us.
You're our only hope.
Thank you.
Well, dear,
if I'm your only hope,
you're up Stinky Crick
without a paddle.
Wake me when
"Gunsmoke" is on.
Miss Kitty, I can't believe
you're marryin' Black Bart.
Well, somebody's
gotta save the town,
and my beloved Frank
is about as helpful
as sandpaper
in an outhouse.
so we could get
this whole thing over with.
Somebody call
for a preacher man?
You're a preacher man?
Well, actually,
I'm the son
of a preacher man.
You must be
the lucky bride.
Now, where's the groom?
Mr. Black Bart
Rieupeyroux?
Out of my way,
little girl.
I don't want
no stinking cookies.
I think
I hear him comin'!
Howdy.
What are you looking at?
You make a lovely bride,
my dear.
you filthy, pathetic sack
of prairie dog puke.
This is already going better
than my first marriage.
All right, come on.
Let's tie the knot,
sweet cheeks.
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today
to join this man
and this woman
in unholy matrimony.
If anyone sees fit
to object,
speak now or forever
hold your peace.
Can we try that again?
No, please carry on.
For a brave savior
on a white horse.
The sheriff is coming.
Somebody call for
a savior on a white horse?
Pa!
Pa, wake up!
Sheriff!
Sheriff, Sheriff.
I'm so glad
you're here.
Me, too.
You're a filthy,
pathetic, sloppy mess,
but at least
you're here.
Well, I couldn't
stand the thought
of you marryin' another man,
so I cast aside my liquor
and I stood up,
and then I fell down.
And then I stood up again,
and I fell down again.
Then I passed out
for about three hours,
but, came to,
took a couple Advil,
feel pretty good.
Where is this Frenchie?
Right here.
Okay, Frenchie.
I--.
The only way for you
to prevent this wedding
is to shoot me dead.
there's a good idea.
Okay, I challenge you
to a showdown.
A showdown? Ha!
The last time
you shot a gun,
Dr. Pepper was still
in medical school.
Sorry.
All right, I'll show you
I can still shoot.
Stand aside,
wine drinker.
Well, nice shootin',
Sheriff.
Well, not really.
I was aimin' at the mirror.
Well, maybe this showdown
isn't such a good idea.
Maybe?
The man just missed a mirror
the size of Cleveland!
Should we make
a run for it, Pa?
Come on!
God, son, listen to me.
There comes a time
in everyone's life
when a man's gotta do
what a man's gotta do.
Wake up, son.
Pa!
Like I said,
that's just one of life's
little do-dos.
Excuse me.
When you're done with
Forrest Gump over there,
we have a showdown
to schedule.
Let's meet here at noon.
High noon.
Ninety-nine! 27! 100!
Maybe Sheriff Frank
can stay sober.
Maybe he can
beat Black Bart.
Maybe he can
save Happy Valley.
Maybe we should just bend over
and kiss our butts good-bye.
Well, yeah,
we could do that, too.
Hello,
my luscious wife-to-be.
Don't be so sure.
This dream ain't over yet.
I wonder what could be
keepin' the sheriff.
Cool! Sheriff Frank
has a theme song, too.
Sheriff.
Sheriff.
Sheriff, I beg of you.
-Don't do this.
-Save it, little lady.
No, no, you mustn't die
for the sake of the town,
even though Black Bart
wants me and nobody else.
What are you two doing
after the wedding?
I'm sorry, ma'am.
Confidentially,
I got a wedgie
the size of
the Louisiana Purchase.
Now I know why John Wayne
walked that way.
Well, all right, pilgrim.
Say your prayers,
law man.
Okay, barkeep.
We're ready
when you say "draw."
Draw!
We knew
you could do it, Sheriff.
I've fallen,
and I can't get up.
But, Pa, Pa,
where's Black Bart's bullet?
Way to go, Sheriff.
Sheriff.
Sheriff, you are my hero.
Well, now we can
get married.
Music please.
Sing now, Pa?
Snail?
What have you got,
Sheriff?
I've got four aces.
Well, you lose,
because I've got five aces!
Well, that makes nine aces,
and that's one more
then comes in a deck.
You're a low-down,
rotten, dirty cheater.
Nobody calls me
a cheater!
I am Black Bart
Rieupeyroux!
I still got it.
Well, you're going down.
Any last words?
Yeah.
Look, it's J.R.!
Sheriff.
You were wonderful.
It's great to have you
around these parts.
Well, Miss Kitty,
it's great to be around
those parts.
Sheriff.