Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 5, Episode 16 - Secret Admirer - full transcript

Is today a beautiful day
or what?

This kind of day
just makes you
glad to be alive, don't it?

Hey there, sunshine.
How'd your day go today?

Men are scum.

Do you hear me? Scum, scum!

Problems on the love boat, Dana?

I show up for my date
15 minutes early,
and I catch him

making out with Katie Boyce.

I hate men.

Hey, well, cheer up,
Dana, man! Heh.

Saturday is Valentine's Day.



Shut up!

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J.T.

Wait till you see the watch
that I got Carol

for Valentine's Day.
She is gonna flip.

Check it out.

Man! A Swiss Roulette?

These babies cost a fortune.

Yeah, but not necessarily.

That is what people
in the jewelry business call

a, parallel brand item.

In other words, it's a fake.

J.T., Carol has always wanted
a Swiss Roulette watch.

And I would love
to get her the real thing.



But I went down to Bidwells
and found out

they cost $900.

As much as I love her,
I can't afford that.

I could barely afford the bag.

But Dad, if you gave her this
fake watch and pretend
it's the real thing,

isn't that kind of like
a parallel truth item?

Son, when you get married,

you will realize that
there is a deeper,

more spiritual truth,
that is just as important

as the actual truth.

Okay, I'll give you an example.

You're home with your wife,
you're watching Baywatch.

And she says...

"Honey, do you think
that girl in the bikini
is beautiful?"

Now, the actual truth is...

"Beautiful, my God! I'd sell
my soul to see her naked."

But the deeper,
more spiritual truth is,

"That girl? Honey, compared
to you that girl is dog food."

All I can say, Dad,

is if you watch Baywatch
with your wife,

you know nothing
about marriage.

Mail call. Heh heh.

It's your red-hot
pre-Valentine's Day mail.

Let's see now.
What do we got here?

Sports Illustrated
for Brendan.

Cool.

Rush Limbaugh Newsletter.
That's gotta be for Mark.

Here's a mysterious
little missive

for the pretty blonde
over there

reading the guy-hater book.

Who is it from?

Some dude named
"Secret Admirer."

Throw it out.

Aw, come on, Dana. Hey.

You may already be a winner.

But you gotta enter to win.

Cody, if you're so interested,
then why don't you open it?

Okay, I will.

Let's see
what's in this puppy?

Secret admirer. Heh-heh.

Let's see.

"Dear Dana..."

"I've never written a letter
like this before,

"but every time
I see you on campus,

"I am overwhelmed
by your beauty and grace."

Wow, Dana, sounds like
somebody's got a crush on you.

I don't know about you, man,
but if I was a chick

I'd be all over this dude.
Ha ha!

Yeah, right. Okay, so I'm
supposed to melt, right?

Because some guy says...

"You have a face
like a Botticelli angel.

"If Michelangelo
had had the chance

"to paint your porcelain skin

"and classic features,

"the world would have
a true masterpiece."

Yeah, so, he knows
how wonderful I am. Big deal.

"The most magical thing
about you is,
not only are you brilliant..."

"...but you have
an impish spirit."

I wonder who Dana's
secret admirer is.

Dude, it's me.

- You?
- Yeah, buddy.

Look, man, shh...

Every time Dana
gets dumped on
by some dude, man,

she turns into this, like,

wretched, bitter old hag,
you know,

and scares everybody away.
Ha ha.

Yeah, I figured if I wrote her
a secret admirer letter,

it might get her to lighten up.

She'd get a dude
just like that, right?

- You're a genius, Cody.
- Ha ha! I know.

I deserve a hug.

A Swiss Roulette watch?

- Do You like it?
- Like it? I love it.

Frank, I've wanted one
for years.

It is so beautiful, Frank,

but you have to take it back.

It's too expensive.

Honey, come on.

I really wanted to give it
to you.

But it's so extravagant.

Yeah, but no, no, no.
Now, listen.

Nothing's too extravagant
for you.

Here, just, just put it on.

Put it on your wrist.

- Wow!
- See, see how it looks there.

Frank.

It's just
the most beautiful
gift I've ever gotten.

Well, beautiful gift
for a beautiful woman.

- I feel so guilty.
- Why?

Well, because you gave me
this gorgeous gift

and I haven't gotten you
anything yet.

No, no,
that doesn't matter.
It doesn't.

Hey, if you're
really miserable, I...

I can think of something
you might do to

tide me over.

Hello.

Hello. May we help you
with something today?

Yes, my husband bought me
a Swiss Roulette watch

for Valentine's Day,
and I'd like to return it.

The Swiss Roulette
is an excellent watch.

I hope there's
nothing wrong with it.

No, no, no, no,
it's wonderful, it's just...

It's a little too expensive,
and I'd rather use the money

to take my husband
on a romantic trip.

I see. Well, if you'll
just give me the watch

I'll be glad
to write up the return.

Okay. Here it is.

Do you have
a receipt for this?

No, it was a gift.

But you're sure
it was purchased here?

Yes, it came in this bag.

See? "Bidwells, since 1925."

And I suppose you want cash.

That would be great.

That way I can just
run across the street

to the travel agency
and book our trip.

Well, of course.
Just, just...

Mr. Halliday, we have
one of those return situations

which requires your attention.

And please bring out
those new bracelets.

We just got some
beautiful bracelets
from France.

Fifty percent off.

Well, I guess it wouldn't
hurt to just try one on.

-Hello.
-Hello.

I'm Mr. Halliday, and you are?

- Carol Lambert.
- That's nice.

What're you doing?

-I'm arresting you for fraud.
-No, I--

You tried to return
a counterfeit watch for cash.

Counterfeit?

Go on, Ethel, call Bunco,
blondie's going downtown.

But... But this was a,
a gift from my husband.

Frank.

Ladies, guess what?

I just got the fourth letter

from my secret admirer.

What did he say?

Just that I'm fairer
than the evening air

clad in the beauty
of a thousand stars.

This is so cool! God, I wish
we knew who this guy was.

I think I know who it is.

There is this gorgeous,
gorgeous guy named Danny

who works
down at the Bear's Lair.

He's like this Brad Pitt,
Billy Baldwin, Val Kilmer

rolled into one.

Well, how do you know
that it's him?

Well, he is an English
lit major, which means that

he knows poetry,
and he's been smiling
at me lately, you know,

in that special way.

I'm gonna go down there
after my 4:00 class

and tell him that I have
a crush on him too.

- I love Valentine's Day.
- Go get him, Dana.

-Hello, you beautiful people.
-Hey.

I love you guys.

Boy, somebody's in
a chirpy mood today.

Yeah.

Yeah, you know Dana's excited
because she got another letter

from her secret admirer.

Hear that, cuz?

Dana's in a good mood
'cause of her secret admirer.

I wonder who the mysterious
Romeo might be?

Dana knows who he is.

She does?

Yeah, there's this guy
named Danny who,

works at the coffee shop
across from campus.

She's going down there
after her 4:00 class

to tell him that
she's hot for him too.

Houston, we have a problem.

Hey, son.

Hey, Dad.

So, how did Carol
like her fake watch?

You be quiet.

For your information,
she loved it.

In fact, I got a special little
love note in my lunch box

thanking me for it.

Dad, I hate to tell you this,
but you're going down, man.

Carol's gonna know
you're trying to pull something.

J.T., you are wrong.
She loved the watch,
she's happy.

End of story.

Hello?

Hi, Carol.

Okay, I'll tell him.

So, what was that?

Man. Carol just told me
the funniest story.

Yeah, she tried to return
the watch you bought her,

but, it was a fake.

But of course,
you already know that.

'Cause you're the one
who bought it.

Anyway, she's in jail
and she wants you
to come get her out.

Boy, you guys
are gonna have
so much to talk about.

Go! Go!

While you're down there,
tell her you watch Baywatch.

Good news, Trixie,
I got a roommate for you.

Happy Valentine's Day, ladies.

Yeah, some Valentine's Day.

Hi.

I'm Trixie.

Yeah, I'm Carol.

Pleasure.

So, what're you in for?

I married an idiot.

What're you in for?

I date a lot.

Lambert, you got a visitor.

Hi, honey.

I got your note,

where you told me

how much you love me.

You're angry, aren't you?

Well...

When they handcuffed me
and booked me for a felony

I was angry.

But after the fingerprinting,

mugshots and the strip search,

I reached a whole new place

way beyond anger!

Look, honey,
I know I screwed up.

Yeah, but I posted your bail,
and as soon as
the paperwork's done,

we can go home and talk.

Well, Frank, right now I don't
wanna go any place with you.

Why not? He's hot.

Look, Trixie...

Sorry, private moment.

Look, Carol...

I was wrong not to tell you
about the watch.

But, gee, honey,
it was Valentine's Day

and I wanted to do somethin'
real special for you.

So you bought me
a fake watch and made me feel

like a fool when I found out
it wasn't the real thing?

I would never want you
to feel like a fool.

I love you more than anything
in the whole world, Carol.

I suppose, I could have got you

flowers or candy

but for Valentine's Day

it just didn't seem like enough.

You deserve the best things
money can buy.

I just can't afford to buy 'em.

Frank, I would have been
happy if all you gave me

for Valentine's Day was a kiss.

Does that offer still stand?

Absolutely.

Wow.

Hi.

Hi.

Dana, right?

Right.

It's nice to see you again.

Well, thanks.
It's good to see you too.

What can I get for you?

Well, I've been...

secretly admiring the scones.

Secretly admiring them?

Okay. One secretly admired
scone coming up.

Hey, Dana. Dude,
I gotta talk to you.

Cody, no. Not now.

Hey, listen,
this is really important.

There's something
you gotta know

about the guy that wrote you
those letters.

I know everything
I need to know.

He's tall, good looking, and
getting me a scone right now.

So beat it.

Yeah, there's something
that you just

don't understand about
what's going--

Here you go,
one hot buttered scone.

No, I don't have
any jumper cables
in my purse.

Go call AAA.

There's a pay phone,
right over there.

It's on the house.

- Thank you.
- Sure.

Listen, um, I'm really glad
you came in here again today.

I've seen you in here before
but I just haven't

had a chance to talk to you.

Well, talking is okay,
but sometimes,

writing a letter
says so much more.

Excuse me.

Bear's Lair.

Yeah, she's right here.

It's for you.

-Hello?
-Hey, Dana, it's me.

Hiding by the phone booth.

Listen, I hate to do this to you
over the phone, okay?

But listen, you are really
about to embarrass
yourself, all right?

So, this is what you gotta do.

You gotta pay for the scone,
get up,

act perfectly natural,
come outside

and meet me over
at the fountain by
the student union building.

Okay?

I'll be wearing the same thing
I'm wearing right now.

Wrong number.

Hey, dude. Ha ha!

Listen, man...

Are these the only Danishes
you got here?

No, we got some
cinnamon rolls
in the back.

Killer, man,
cinnamon rolls are perfect.

Hey, I'll take a dozen
to go, all right?

Hey, could you wrap 'em
up for me?

-Individually.
-Sure.

-Like in foil.
-Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Cool. Ha ha! All right.

-What are you doing?
-Listen, Dana...

Dana, I gotta tell you
about those letters, man.

See, I kinda...

Wrote them.

No.
No, no, no, no, no.

Those letters were written
by a poet.

An artist, who can express
intense emotion

in simple turn
of a perfect phrase.

You mean like, "Your eyes
are fairer than the evening air

"clad in the beauty
of a thousand stars?"

Why do you keep doing
this to me?

-Why? Why? Why?
-Hey, Dana. Dana.

Dana, Dana, Dana, stop.

Okay.
Listen, I, I...

I just wrote you the letters,
you know, to cheer you up.

Well, great.
Congratulations.

I feel like a total idiot.

But why?

Every word I wrote you
in those letters is true.

I mean, hey, you are one gnarly
chunk of womanhood, you know.

You just like, put up this
wall sometimes, you know.

It says, "Keep out.
No trespassing.

"Every trespasser will be shot,
murdered and hung."

You know?

So, so what?
So, what're you
trying to say?

You're saying
that I'm defensive?

Well, yeah, man, you got a
tougher defensive line than
the '85 Chicago Bears.

You know?

Dana, you're a great
person, you just gotta

lighten up sometimes,
and let people see it.

Yeah, that's great, Cody.

Yeah, I appreciate you
saying that, but...

Valentine's Day
is still crock.

Here you go,
a dozen cinnamon rolls to go.

Cool. Thanks, man.

Here you go.

-Thank you.
-Ten bucks. Okay.

- Keep the change.
- Thanks.

So, Ever have
one of those days?

Okay.

Now listen...

I'm gonna take a chance.

You probably
have a boyfriend, but,

would you like to go
to a movie sometime?

You wanna go out with me?

Yeah.

I mean, it's weird.
When you first started
coming in here

you were a little
cold and aloof,

but in the last week or so
you've really opened up

and relaxed.

Yeah, well, I have a friend
who's been helping me
with that.

Bear's Lair.

Yeah.

It's for you.

Hello?

"Dear Carol, I'm not used to
saying things like this

"so I thought I'd tell you
how I feel about you
in a note."

Frank!

Yeah, honey, what?

Did you write this love letter?

Go ahead, read it.

Frank.

This is so wonderful.

"You have a face
like a Botticelli angel.

"If Michelangelo had
had the chance

"to paint your porcelain skin

"and classic features,

"the world would have
a true masterpiece.

"Love, Frank."

Frank, this is just
the most romantic letter

I've ever received.

Cody wrote it, didn't he?

Every word.

Thank you for being honest.