Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 5, Episode 11 - The Flight Before Christmas - full transcript

Dudes, check it out.

I got more lights
out here than Charles'

got on her makeup table.

Yeah, I am definitely
gonna win

Best decorated vehicle
with over 700,000 miles on it.

Cody, aren't you afraid
you're gonna blow

all the circuits in the house?

No, not a problem, little cuz.

Yeah.

See, I pull in the juice
straight off

the main transformer
in the street.



All I gotta do
is plug this in

I got a 100,000 volts
of Christmas joy comin'

right into my van.

Okay. And a three,
two and a one.

I love Christmas.

Makes you feel warm all over.

- Hey, George.
- JT.

Where's
my number-one pal,
the Code-man?

Well, he's not
gonna be able
to work with us on this one.

Yeah.

He had a little
electrical mishap.

Ran too much juice
to his Christmas lights

blew off his eyebrows.

Yeah. Ha-ha.



I've been there, done that.

Well, I'm gonna miss
the Code-man

but, I'm sure lookin'
forward to sellin' these trees.

There's nothin' like
the joy of the holiday season.

Yo, there, boss!
Merry Christmas.

Yeah.
Ho-ho-ho to you, too.

All right, everybody,
listen up.

Now, look, you wanna sell
Christmas trees, the first thing

you gotta remember is to forget
all of that holiday spirit,

peace on Earth,
goodwill-to-men jive.

We are here to make money.

The more trees you sell,
the more money you make.

I love that, sir.

Now, the good news is

people tend to turn
into sentimental saps

around Christmas time.

So use that.

Prey on their emotions.

Make the kiddies cry
if you have to.

Right on.

Just remember.
Sell, sell, sell.

Mr. Parker, now,
what if somebody, like,

really, really wants a tree

but they're kinda short
on cash.

Is it okay to offer 'em
a Christmas discount?

No.

Okay.

Say, Mother Teresa shows up

and she has absolutely
no money, whatsoever.

But all she'd like
is a simple, tiny little tree

as a symbol of hope
to all the orphans of the world.

You give her a quarter

and tell her to call
somebody who cares.

I think that guy needs a hug.

Dad, I cannot believe you
and Carol are setting me up

with this Matt Crawford guy.

Al, this is not a setup.

The Crawfords
are old family friends of mine

and they're moving back here
from California.

And since you and Matt
used to play a lot together

when you were little kids,
we thought it would be nice

for you to spend some time
with him.

Well, what if
I already have a date?

-Do you?
-No.

But give me ten minutes,
I'll find someone.

Al? Al, look what I found.

This is so cute.

A picture of you
and Matt Crawford

taking a bath together
when you were little.

Aw. He's cute.

No, that's me.

He's the bald one
eating the soap.

Come on, Al,
don't be so negative.

I think you guys are gonna
have a great time together.

Yeah, I met Matt when your
father and I went to California

last summer,
he seemed like a terrific guy.

I'm sure he's peachy-keen.

I just don't wanna go
on a date with him.

It's not a date.

We just want you
to drive him around town.

Show him the high school,
take him to the ballet.

-The ballet?
-Yeah, The Nutcracker.

I bought tickets
this afternoon.

Front-row center.
Wear a dress.

-Now, that's probably them.
-Yeah.

-Hey, hey.
-Hello. Hi.

-Buddy, come on in,
come on in.
-Good to see you.

Here, let me have your coats.

- How was your trip?
- It was fine, fine.

We're just glad
to be movin' back here

where the air is clean
and the ground's not shaken.

Well, where's Matt?

I know that Al is just dying
to see him again.

Yeah, Matt's real excited, too.

Well, gee, Matt, look at you.
You look great.

You sure turned out to be
a handsome young man.

- Didn't he, Al?
- Yeah.

-He's regular Fabio.
-Al.

Al, I just love that outfit.

Isn't that a great look
for her, Matt?

-Well, yeah. Hubba-hubba.
-Matt.

Well, I see that Matt and Al
have a lot of catching up to do

so why don't we go out
to the kitchen

and have ourselves some eggnog?

-All right.
-Ha-ha. Come on.

Wow, he's cute.

You know, if Al doesn't
want him, I'll take him.

Yeah, there is a shock.

A pair of pants shows up
and your radar kicks in.

There she is.

The finest example
of arboreal coniferous flora

on the entire lot.

That's Latin
for a totally bodacious tree.

I wish I could get a tree
like that for my mom.

How much is it?

Well, it's kind of expensive,
it's 60 bucks.

Geez, I don't have that much.
Thanks, anyways.

Hey! Hold on there, pal.

If you really like that tree,
maybe I can help you out.

Sorry, but I'm not allowed
to accept charity.

Hey! I'm not talkin'
about charity.

I'm a businessman.

-Would you like a job?
-Really, you'd give me a job?

Hey! I'm not
givin' you a job.

First, you have
to pass a qualifying exam.

-What's your name?
-Jimmy.

Good, I was looking for a Jimmy.
You got the job.

So, we having fun yet?

Yeah, you make feel
like dancing.

Man, it's cold.

That's because
we have something out here

that you surfer boys
only read about.

See, it's called winter.

I wasn't talking
about the weather.

I was talking
about your personality.

Sense of humor.

That could come in handy
with a face like yours.

Your turn.

Forget it, I don't wanna
trade shots with you anymore.

Look, Matt, I'm sorry.

Look, I don't know why
I'm getting on your case.

I mean, you seem like
a nice enough guy, I just...

I really don't like
being fixed up.

Yeah, me neither.

I guess I shouldn't take it
out on you.

Look, I've got an idea. Why
don't we just split up, okay?

Look, you can go to
your little...ballet thingy

and I'll just come pick you up
when it's over.

Do I look like the kind
of guy who goes to the ballet?

I don't know. Last time
I saw you, you ate soap.

How do I know what you're into?

What are you gonna do?

Probably go ice-skating.

Ice-skating?
I love ice-skating.

I'm on the hockey team
back home.

You're kidding.
You like hockey?

-Yeah.
-Who's your favorite player?

Easy. Fedorov.

I love those
Eastern Europeans.

Gonna check you in the board
and break your head open

and never feel bad about it.

I love that.

Okay, let's go ice-skating.

What're we gonna do
with these tickets?

Excuse me, Merry Christmas.

- Okay, let's go.
- Hold up.

Right, it's getting
kind of cold.

You know,
it's not that bad.

Wow, this one's beautiful.

Excuse me.

But, if I were you,
I wouldn't buy that tree.

-Why not?
-It's a flammable fur.

The sap is like kerosene.

You turn on a light bulb
anywhere near it and, "Boom!"

Maybe we'll look for somethin'
a little less combustible.

Good choice,
most of our non-flammable trees

are right over there.

Now, I'm gonna show you the best
Christmas tree on the lot.

I gotta admit I was actually
thinking of saving this tree

for myself,
but, hey, it's Christmas.

And I think,
you know, a tree like this

should be with a nice, warm,
loving family like yourselves.

Can we get this one, Mommy?

You bet we can.

It's beautiful.

I can't believe
it's still here.

There's a reason
for that, you know.

Wait, what... What
are you talkin' about?

Did you ever read that
Stephen King book, The Tree?

You know,
the one where an evil tree

sucks the life out of every
human being that comes near it?

Well, this is the guy.

Should I have it loaded
onto your car?

I don't like that tree, Mommy.

Don't pay attention
to him, okay?

It moved, Mommy, it moved.
I saw it, I saw it.

Hey, hey, what are you doing?
He's kidding.

It's just a stupid tree.

Co...

George, what is going on?

This is the third time
I've sold this tree

and every time you've done
something to blow it.

Well, I'm kind of savin' it
for my friend

Jimmy over there.

He can't afford
a tree like this.

So, I'm lettin' him
work for it.

Look, George, I think
it's very sweet and Christmassy

that you're saving
the tree for the kid

but I'm savin' up
for a ski trip

and your taking money
out of my pocket.

JT, there's more
to life than money!

Let me tell you something.

When you work for 42 years
on an ice cream truck

you learn a few things.

Number one!

Never put your tongue
on dry ice.

Number two.

There's nothin'
more beautiful in this world

than a child filled with joy.

I never turned any kids
away from my truck

even if they
didn't have the money.

I gave them the ice cream
anyway, just to see the joy

on their faces when they chopped
into that Fudgsicle.

Yeah, and how much money
did you save in 42 years?

Not a cent.

In fact, I still owe three
payments on these trousers.

But the point is, money can't
buy the memories I have

of all those kid's faces.

You wanna see
a happy kid's face?

Watch me when I make enough
money to go on that ski trip.

Lighten up, JT,
where's you Christmas spirit?

You,
get away from that tree!

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hands off, hands off, no.

But we're starving.

Yeah, can't we
just have one egg?

No, nobody eats till Carol
gets back from the bakery.

Why don't you guys
go out there and see

if anybody wants
something to drink?

You know, get in
the Christmas spirit.

Make yourselves useful.
Ho-ho-ho.

Come on, go, go.

Come on,
let's go get the firewood.

Yeah, hey,
want a deviled egg?

Yeah, I'm starving.

So good.
Here, she'll never know.

Hey, Frank,
isn't that your car?

Yeah.

Al and Matt must be home.

Why is your motor running?

I don't know.
That's kind of weird, isn't it?

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Come on out of there.

Come on, come on.

You, too, young lady.

What do you think
you're doin' in there?

- We weren't doing anything.
- Yeah, right.

Well, Frank, Frank, Frank,
take it easy.

Yeah, yeah, we were just
suckin' a little face.

"Sucking a little face?"

Frank, Frank,
that's just an expression

the kids in California use.

Well, maybe in California
it's okay to suck face

but here in Wisconsin,
we do not suck!

You know, wait a second.

For all you know,
Al started it.

-Now wait one minute.
-Dad, come on.

Now, you just
let me handle this, okay?

Frank, they are teenagers.

It is what they do.

Well, maybe that attitude
is just fine out in La La Land.

But here in Wisconsin, we raise
our kids to have good morals.

And what is that
supposed to mean?

It means
you're kid's a pervert.

Yeah?

Yeah!

Well, then maybe
it was a mistake

for us to come here
and visit you!

Well, maybe the mistake
was us inviting you.

Well, then maybe we
shouldn't be stayin' for dinner.

Yeah, well,
maybe that's a good idea.

Matt, go get your mom.

Tell her
we're goin' back to the motel.

Dad?

-Stop them.
-No, I will not.

Fine, then I'm gonna have
dinner with them.

Al, don't do this.

You're turning your back
on Wisconsin!

-Hey, George.
-Yo!

It's almost closing time,
and my tree's still here.

Yep, in just two minutes
you'll be the proud owner

of the coolest Christmas tree
this side of the North Pole.

Thank, George.
You're the greatest.

Here you go,
best tree on the lot.

Sixty bucks and it's yours.

I'll take it.

Hey, guys,
any chance I could get you

to look at a different tree?

Why?

Well, I kinda promised
this one to the kid

who's been helping me.

- Is he gonna pay for it?
- No, but, I will.

Here's the 60 bucks.

I'm sorry,
I guess it's sold.

I'll give you sixty-five.

-Seventy.
-Eighty.

-Ninety.
-One hundred.

You know, you're startin'
to tick me off.

Hey, hey, hey...

Hey, guys, guys, guys.

I hope you're not
fighting over

this tree,
'cause I already sold it.

-You did?
-What?

Yeah, yup,
here's 100 bucks.

Mr. Parker, why don't you go
show him that tree over there?

It's a lot better than this one.

You're absolutely right,
Lambert.

And by the way,
while we're talking

are you happy with
your long-distance carrier?

Man, you sold the tree.

How am I gonna tell Jimmy?

Well, you don't have to.

It's for him.

I'm buying Jimmy the tree.

What?

Hey, I thought you needed
the money for the ski trip?

Well, yeah, I thought about
what you said.

I mean, you're right.
I can go skiing anytime.

And every time Jimmy
sees this tree

his face just lights up.

Makes you kind of gooey inside,
doesn't it?

Yeah, it does.

You know, JT, it's
a good thing you're not standin'

under any mistletoe,
or I'd have to kiss ya.

Yeah, it's a good thing.

- Well, what the heck.
- Ha-ha.

Hey, George, it's 6 o'clock.

-Do I get the tree?
-Absolutely, you earned it.

Merry Christmas, Jimmy.

Merry Christmas.

Thinks he can play kissy face
with my daughter?

Frank, don't you just love
the holiday spirit?

-Where are the Crawfords?
-I kicked them out.

You what?

Yeah, their kid's a pervert

and I don't want him
hanging around my daughter.

A pervert?
What are you talking about?

Carol, I caught them
kissing in the car.

And?

Well, it was more
than just kissing.

They were...face-sucking.

Let me get this straight.

You caught Al and Matt
making out

so you threw your friend
and his family out of our house

on Christmas Eve?

Well, sure, when you twist
the facts all around like that

it sounds terrible.

Frank, it is perfectly normal
for a 16-year-old girl

to be kissing a boy.

I know that, honey,
I know that.

But...when I saw
my own daughter

doing it,
I just went kind of crazy.

And then when he called it
sucking face,

it sounded so dirty.

Well, where did
the Crawfords go?

They went down
to the E-Z Drive Motel

to have Christmas Eve dinner,
and Al went with them.

Boy,
I really screwed things up.

What am I gonna do?

Well, first, you're going down
to the motel and you are gonna

find the Crawfords,
and then you're gonna beg

for their forgiveness
and tell 'em you're an idiot.

Yeah, yeah,
what about Al?

Just beg for her forgiveness.

She already knows
you're an idiot.

Bye.

Excuse me, miss, um,

is the turkey dinner
good here?

It's all you can eat
for $1.99.

What do you think?

Hi, guys.

-Frank.
-Hi.

Listen, um...

I'm really sorry about
what happened back
at the house.

I owe everybody an apology.

Well, I...

I guess you weren't alone,
buddy.

I didn't do much to help
the situation myself.

Yeah, I just want you to know
something, sir.

I really wasn't trying
to put the moves on Al.

Yeah, Dad, I mean,
we were just talking

and then he kinda kissed me
and then I kinda kissed him back

and we just kinda kept kissing.

Then the windows started--

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I was there, I remember.

But listen, I want you all
to come back to the house

and have a real
Christmas dinner, okay?

I mean, nobody should have
to spend Christmas Eve

in a dump like this.

Geez.

Save it, we'll use it
in the soup tomorrow.

Now, Lilly,
I know I promised you

I'd read you
The Night Before Christmas

but I kinda blew the book up
in my van

so we're gonna have to do
a little improv thing,

if you know what I mean.

Yeah, it'll be cool though.

Okay, now, here.

Kinda goes like this.

It was
the night before Christmas
and all through the van...

Not a creature was stirring,

not even Code-man.

The stocking was hung,
it was nailed to the roof.

No one heard when I did it

'cause my van is soundproof.

I got in my water bed
and thought,

"Hey, what would be neater
than if Santa would bring me
a water bed heater."

I had started to doze,
when I heard such a clatter.

I bolted straight up,
smashed my head on a ladder.

I looked out the window,
I said, "Code-man, no way."

It was a tiny reindeer, pulling
this fat dude on a sleigh.

He had one final message
before he flew out of sight.

"Have a Merry Christmas, dudes.
And to all, a good night."