Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 5, Episode 10 - Baby Come Back - full transcript

-Hey, hey, Dana-Burger.
-Hey.

Check out my new magic box?
What do you think?

Is that one of those boxes
where you step into it
and you disappear?

-Totally.
-I love it.

Yeah, the amazing Houdini
came to me in a dream.

He said, "Codeman,

"you've got all the makings
of a great magician.

"You like to work
with your hands.

"You got lots of free time.

"All you need now
is like a great, big box."

Right now.



Ladies and gentlemen,
you are about to witness
an amazing feat of magic.

I'll need a volunteer
from the audience.

Young lady.

Have we ever met before?

No, say no.

No, we've never met.

Ha, you see,
a complete stranger.

Now come, Dana-Burger.

-Step into the box.
-Cody, no--

Come on.
You're gonna love this.

Don't say no.
It'll be totally cool.

Now in the immortal words
of the Amazing Codini...

Yeah, I'm in a box.

See, I rigged the light
to turn on



as soon as the box is locked.

Pretty cool?

Fascinating, but how do we
get out of here?

We just push
the magic button right here.

It's not opening.

Dude, I know what it is.

I forgot to hook up
the magic button outside.

Dudesy, we're trapped.

Help!

Help! Somebody!

- Carol.
- Yeah.

I think I'm getting sick.

Would you see
if I have a temperature?

Yeah, Frank,
it's really high.

127.

And it smells like coffee.
Get your jacket, Frank.

We're going to this
beauty convention.

- Come on, Carol--
- Frank.

hardware show and plumber's
picnic in the world.

The least you could do is show
a little interest in my work.

Well, can I just
pretend to be interested

when you come home
and tell me about it?

Frank, you can't miss this.

It's Hair Spectacular '95.

You'll be getting
a sneak preview

of all the new
fall conditioners.

The fall conditioners.

Holy rinse and set, Carol.
To the Bat-mobile.

We gotta get these conditioners

before they fall in the hands
of the Riddler.

Come. Come.

You know, mom, if men were
more interested in haircare

and less interested in guns,
there'd be no more wars.

Yeah, well, I'll spread the word
at the Hair Spectacular.

Hey, J.T., we're gonna
go shoot some hoops
at the high school.

Wanna come?

Well, then I guess
you would've noticed

that the baby
just spit up on herself.

Hey, Al, something's
coming out of the baby!

Man, if that's the way
you took care of me

I'm lucky I'm alive.

You know, J.T., this bites.

Why am I doing
all the dirty work?

I thought you were the one
in charge of the baby.

I am in charge
of the baby.

Dipstick.

Hey, Al, check this out.

The Yum-Yum Baby Food Company's
having open auditions today

in Milwaukee to find
a new Yum-Yum baby.

So?

So the winner gets $50,000.

We gotta go for this.

J.T., no.

I-I don't think dad and Carol
are gonna want us

taking the baby
all the way to Milwaukee.

As her agents,
our take would be $5000.

-I'll drive.
-Yes.

Help! Help! Help!

Somebody! Help!

Dana, dudesy.

You've been yelling for like
the better part of an hour here

and I-I'm pretty sure there's
nobody out there gonna hear ya.

Well, do something.
I've gotta get out of here.

Alright. I'll use karate
to break through that wall.

Yeah!

Ho-o-o.

Yeah!

Wow, I gotta thank
that dude at the lumberyard.

This is killer wood.

I don't believe this.

I'm gonna die in a box
with Cody.

Come on, Dana-Burger.
Check it out.

Look, eventually,
somebody's gonna come

into the garage
and discover us here, okay?

So all we gotta do is
figure out a way

to pass the time, you know,
till they discover us.

I got a killer idea.

Why don't we tell each other
our life stories?

I don't feel like it.

Cool, 'cause I wanted
to go first anyway.

I remember on the day I was born

the doctor accidentally,
like, dropped me

and I was still attached
to the umbilical cord.

Yeah, man.

Hey, good thing that floor
of that delivery room

was made out of rubber
or else, I would have had

some serious brain damage
from that drop.

Man, slobber city in here.

All these bald, drooling babies
are the same.

Yeah, but only one of them
has J.T. Lambert as her agent.

Hello, everyone,
I'm Matthew Owens,

executive vice president
of marketing.

I'm gonna do a quick review
of the babies

so that we can all
get out of here.

Matthew, buddy, J.T. Lambert.
Lambert Talent Agency.

This says Lambert Construction.

Yeah, well, we share a building.

Well, let me cut to the chase.

This little angel here has gotta
be the next Yum-Yum baby.

She's meeting
with Steven Spielberg tomorrow.

-Really?
-Yeah, yeah.

You know, movies,
theme parks, lunch boxes.

It's big. Huge.

I'll take that
into consideration.

Without the boogers.

Alright, thanks
for bringing the kids in.

We got pictures on all of them
and your home phone numbers.

We'll call you
when we've made a decision.

Drive carefully in the rain.

God, I told you this was
gonna be a waste of time.

Look, I'm gonna go get the car
and meet with you

by the front door,
so Lily doesn't get
soaked in the rain.

Good idea.

Matthew. Matthew.

Excuse me, coming through.
Matthew.

Matthew, buddy, hey, look.

I just got paged by the office.

We're wide open right now.

Yeah, we're ready to ink
this thing in if you are.

Listen, kid,
I have been drooled on,

pooped on and spit up on.

So do me a favor. Get lost.

Okay, but you're taking
a chance.

They're very excited about her
over at Disney.

Jerk. No brains,
they're all morons.

Idiots. They're just idiots.
Why would they...

My God, the baby.

Come on, Lily. Come on, Lily.

Come on, baby.

Look, honey.
Another room full of shampoo.

Golly, who ever thought
we could have so much fun

at a beauty convention?

Come on, Carol.

- Can't we go home now?
- Go home? We just got here.

Don't you wanna see
the demonstration

on facial hair removal?

Yeah, yeah,
that's what I wanna do.

I wanna watch 'em
pluck a big black hair

out of some old bag's lip.

You know, you've been negative
ever since we left the house.

I thought you'd find some way
to show just a little interest

in my work, but obviously,
that is not possible.

Well, I'm sorry.
I am trying my best.

No, you're not, you're being
a pain in the butt.

So why don't you just
go to the hotel bar

and watch sports all day

and I'll come get you
when I'm done?

No, h-honey. No, I-I'm so... No.

Yes.

Excuse me.

I just have to tell you, you've
got really beautiful hair.

Really?

Yes, it's so vibrant
and bouncy

and there's nothing sexier
than a man with bouncy hair.

- Ha.
- I'm Tiffany.

I work for Euro Hair.

Can I interest you in a free
hair analysis and scalp massage?

W-well, actually
I was just on my way out

to watch a football game.

It doesn't take very long.

It's really quite invigorating.

-Really?
-Here. Let me show you.

Alright. Okay.

But I-I, I really don't
have a whole lot of tech--

Right there.

Hey, Al, Lily's due for
a pit stop, alright. Change her.

I did the last pee patrol.
This one's all yours.

Fine then, give me a diaper.

J.T.

That's not Lily.

What are you talking about?
Are you crazy?

Of course, it's Lily.

My God, she's a boy.

Idiot.

J.T., this is the stupidest
thing you've ever done.

I know.

Dad almost killed me
when I lost his hammer.

I'm really gonna get it
for this one.

Look, we've gotta find Lily.

You're right, okay, look,
I'm gonna drive back

J.T., phone.

Look, just tell whoever it is,
I can't talk right now.

I'm driving to
Milwaukee, alright?

No, you idiot!
Call the baby food company!

Good idea. You are so smart.

Somebody should have put you
in charge of the baby.

Hello, hi, hi, hi.
This is J.T. Lambert.

Yes, um, I lost my baby sister
there earlier.

Yeah, and I was wondering...

Really? Thank God.

They got her.

Okay great.
Alright, thanks. Bye.

What? What'd they say?

This kid's mom is at the agency
with Lily, okay.

They're on the way, They're
gonna be here in about an hour.

Yes, thank God.

if you weren't so greedy
for that $5000.

Shut up.

So anyway,
that's why it's such a bummer

being born on February 29.

They're in a leap year,
you know.

Gee. Hey, you only get
a birthday every four years

so technically,
I'm only five years old.

Another two years
and I'll be six.

Yeah, I've been thinking about
having my birthday party

at Chuck E. Cheese.

And you're invited.

That's right. You and me.

Birthday party.

I must have been a really
bad person in a previous life.

Hey, I got an idea.

We're gonna sing songs.

Hey, I got the perfect one.

Cody.

I do not think singing

Yeah, you're right. We got
a lot more time than that.

Everybody, come on.

Now the final step
to your hair revitalization

is the application
of mung moisturizer.

Is that from the Mung Dynasty?

Frank, you're so clever.

I know. I know.

I'm almost done with him.

Yeah? So am I.

Hi, honey.

Tiffany was just,
stimulating my follicles.

I can see that.

Excuse me, I wanna borrow
Frank's follicles.

Yeah, Tiffany, this is my...

What do you think you're doing?

of Hair Spectacular '95.

Yeah, right, you're bored
when you're with me

but Miss Eurotrash here
gets-gets her hands on you

and suddenly, you're having
the time of your life.

Well, what was I supposed to do?

These Hair Spectaculars
are a total snooze.

Like your trade shows
are a thrill a minute.

"Hey, it's the basin,
tub and toilet show.

"You can wash in it,
bathe in it or pee in it.

"We've got it."

It's a lot more exciting

than the wonderful world
of haircare.

Well, then fine,
I'm not gonna go to

anymore of your stupid
tool things again.

business things ever again.

-Fine. Fine!
-Fine. Fine!

Did, did we just
solve our problem?

Yeah, I think we did.

Frank, we do
so many things together.

Why do we have to drag one
another to our business things?

Carol, I think this is my fault.

I didn't stop to think
about how bored you must be.

I'm sorry.

instead of putting on
my supporting wife smile.

Well, did we just
waste a whole day?

No. Not necessarily.

Why don't we buy a bottle
of mung moisturizer

and head home and stimulate
each other's follicles?

I could use a little extra body.

We did it, buddy.

What do you wanna do now?

Well, Cody,

I don't know about you, but...

...I'm gonna see
if I can squeeze

through that light socket.

-What's that?
-My cellular phone.

You have a cellular phone?

Just ignore it. I don't
wanna take any calls right now.

Answer the phone!

Hello. Codeman here. Hey, dude.

Hey, guess what, man.
You're not gonna believe this.

I'm stuck in a box right now.

I'll call you back later.

I'm so funny.

Give me that!

Man, where are those people
with Lily?

They should've been here
half hour ago.

Some people
are so irresponsible.

Good. Maybe that's them.

It's Dad and Carol.
What do we do?

Okay, okay, let's just,
cover the baby

and, let's act casual, okay?

-Okay.
-Casual.

-Hi.
-Hi, everybody. How's it going?

Great. Everything's great.

How about you, Al?
Everything great?

Great.

-How's the baby?
-He's great.

-He?
-He? She.

She, I meant she.

I said he
because I forgot the 'S'.

Why is she covered
with a blanket?

We didn't wanna get her dusty.

This is not Lily.

Sure, it is.
You know kids, they grow up.

Where is the baby?

You're gonna laugh.

J.T., you've got three seconds
to tell me where Lily is

or I'm gonna rip your tongue out
and throw it on the barbeque.

- Well--
- Baby! Baby! Where's my baby?

Well, we took her
to an audition for a commercial

and we brought back
the wrong baby.

You what? God!

Okay, don't, don't worry.

This kid's parents
are bringing her back.

God.

Guess we're grounded?

J.T., this is
the stupidest thing

you have ever done
in your whole life.

Gary, this is
the stupidest thing

you have ever done
in your whole life.

Lily.

Lily, Lily, Lily.

Jeff, Geoffrey.

Geoffrey, Geoffrey.

-Lily.
-Geoffrey.

-Lily.
-Geoffrey.

You know, dad,
there once was a time

when you'd really nail me
for doing something like this.

But you didn't.

I think that shows real growth
on your part.

J.T., I'm gonna give you
a five minute head start

and then I'm gonna
hunt you down
like a dog.

Okay.

That's enough.

Ladies and gentlemen

I will now assist
the great Codini

with the amazing
Swords of Death trick.

Observe. Sword number one,
right through the box.

Dude, that's worse
than sitting on your keys.

And sword number two...

Woah.

Now I know how
shesh kebab feels.

And now I remove the swords.

And voila.

I am like totally unharmed.

Maybe a little bit thirsty,
that's all.

That, my lovely assistant,
Markini?

Well, I sprung a leak.

Hey, grab a cup, man.
Milk's on me.