Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 5, Episode 1 - Lil Sister Dontcha - full transcript
J.T. and his pal, Rich Halke, are planning to go to the drive-in theater to make out with their girlfriends. What J.T. doesn't know is the identity of Rich's girlfriend - Al. J.T. is now determined to put a stop to the date, knowing that his little sister will be kissing someone three years older than she is.
[BLOWS HORN]
[GIGGLES]
I'm glad you're here.
Hey, see if you can guess
what this sound is.
-[BLOWS HORN]
-[GIGGLES]
Huh?
It's a love boat
dropping an anchor
in the harbor of your heart.
[GIGGLES]
Hey, I went to this killer
bike ride last night, right?
I met the dude of your dreams.
DANA: Hmm.
So, in your opinion, the dude
of my dreams is a biker.
Totally!
[GIGGLES]
Hey, when I picture
the two of you together
I see sparks flying. Huh?
-Maybe you're having a stroke.
-Yeah. I wish.
[GIGGLES]
No, this is gonna be great.
I can see it now.
You'll be cruising
on the back of his hog
the wind flowing
through your hair
his name tattooed
across your butt,
just styling.
Ha! Huh?
Cody, as much as I love
to see myself
on the back of somebody's hog,
I don't think so.
Whoa.
Color me disappointed, huh?
[CHUCKLES]
Man!
And I thought you'd jump
at the chance
to have a date with Brad Pitt.
[SCOFFS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
Brad Pitt?
[BIKE ENGINE RUMBLING]
Cody, wait!
Cody, wait!
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
[SCREAMING]
♪ The dream got broken
♪ Seemed like all was lost
♪ What would be the future?
♪ Could you pay the cost?
♪ You wonder
♪ Will there ever be
♪ A second time around?
WOMAN:
♪ Woah-a, woah-a
♪ When the tears are over
♪ And the moment has come
♪ Say, "My Lord
I think I found someone"
♪ You know it will be better
♪ 'Cause you're putting
it together
♪ For the second time around
ALL:
♪ Step by step, day by day
WOMAN:
♪ Day by day
♪ A different hand to play
♪ The deeper we fall
♪ The stronger we stay
WOMAN:
♪ We'll make it better
MAN:
♪ Second time around ♪
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
So, Rich,
what do you wanna do tonight?
Uh, watch a little tube?
Ah. Too boring.
-Uh, bowling?
-It's too tiring.
Ugh, man!
Must be something
a couple of studs like us
can do tonight.
I got it, man.
French kiss.
I'm outta here.
Not us, you moron.
I figure, we could go
scrounge up a couple of babes
and go see that movie,
French Kissat the drive-in.
We'll be French kissing
at the drive-in.
Yeah. When the girls see
Kevin Kline's movie star face
they'll get totally hot.
-Ah!
-Uh, uh, uh.
Couple of love machines
named J.T. Lambert
and Rich Halke!
-Yeah!
-[BOTH GRUNTING]
-They'll love us! Yes!
-Yes!
Okay, guys.
The moment we've all
been waiting for.
The new Victoria's Secret
online catalog.
[KEY CLACKING]
Whoa!
Yes!
Gentlemen,
welcome to
the spring collection.
-Hi, boys.
-Oh...
So, as you can see,
the high-resolution screen
gives you more pixels per inch.
in cyber space
than the Wonderbra.
Man, how do they always know
when we're having fun?
It's a mom thing,
'cause they got, like
radar in their female parts.
Yeah, moms are a real drag.
Tell me about it.
Geez, even the kids
on Full House
get to stay out
later than that.
Come on!
Oh, you think that's bad?
In fact, last week,
when I was trying on pants
you know what she yelled out
so the whole store could here?
"Sweetie, make sure there's
plenty of room in the crotch."
-It's the worst!
-Oh, it gross.
Mmm. Hey, wait, I got an idea.
Let's go see that
new horror movie tonight.
-You know, Blood Fest 4?
-Oh, yeah.
I heard they got real footage
of a guy's head exploding
and everybody eats his brain.
-Awesome!
-Yeah.
-Uh, Mom?
-Yeah.
Oh, great.
What're you gonna see?
Blood Fest 4.
Blood Fest 4?
Is that the one
where the guy's head explodes
and they eat his brain?
I don't think so.
Why? There's no sex in it.
Well, excuse me,
but I just happen to think
that cannibalism is sick.
Earth to Mom, it's a movie.
Hello.
Goodbye.
Man, she shot you down.
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, like your mom's gonna
let you go.
His mom wouldn't even
let him see Little Mermaid
'cause Ariel had
too much cleavage.
[BOTH SNICKERING]
Hey, man, speaking of cleavage,
your mom's kind of a babe.
Oh, shut up!
So, honey, that's why Second
and Ten is a passing down.
Tomorrow's walk, we're gonna
talk about the nickel defense.
-Hi, honey.
-Frank.
Do you still happen to have
that tool belt in your truck?
Sure, I do. Why?
I want you to staple
Mark's mouth shut.
He used to be so polite.
All he says to me now is,
"Duh! Earth to mom. Hello."
He treats me like
I'm some kind of idiot.
Oh, Carol, he is 14 years old,
and you're his mother.
To him you're an idiot.
What's that supposed to mean?
It means that Mark is at an age
when he wants to break away
from his mother.
It's all part
of nature's plan, honey.
Now, take wolves.
When a young male wolf cub
reaches puberty
he wants to leave the den.
Wants to make it on his own,
run with the big wolves
pee on things.
Oh, well, I hate
this teenage boy stuff.
You know, the other day,
I took Mark shopping for pants
I ask him one little,
innocent question
he practically bit my head off.
Oh, no, honey,
you didn't ask him
if there was room
in the crotch, did you?
Well, it's important.
[SCOFFS] Take some advice
from me, okay?
For the rest of Mark's life
don't mention his crotch.
I'm serious. He said he could
get me a date with Brad Pitt.
I don't know how he knows him,
it's Cody.
I mean, a couple of months ago
he was playing foosball
with Nelson Mandela.
He... He knows people.
[DOORKNOB RATTLES]
Hey-hey. And I'm on
to let you too, dude.
-Cody!
-Hey-hey.
-Hello.
-Hey.
Um, ahem, I was wondering
if we could talk
a little bit more
about that guy that you said
you wanted to set me up with.
Oh. You mean Brad Pitt?
[GIGGLES]
All right.
about the guy from the movie
Legends of the Fall?
[GASPS]
Dude, do you know him?
Cody, Brad Pitt is
only the sexiest man
in America.
Oh, [LAUGHS] I'm not
really into guys, you know?
But, he does have
a certain je ne sais quoi,
huh?
So, you, you really think
that you could get me
a date with Brad Pitt?
Totally! Hey, the Pittmeister
would be totally stoked, man.
Hey, when I showed him
your picture
he'd die with a smile
on his face.
[CHUCKLES]
Whoa.
Who am I
to disappoint Brad Pitt?
[GIGGLES]
That's what I said.
[SCREAMING]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[FRENCH ACCENT] Hey, J.T.,
you ready for
a little French Kiss?
Yeah.
What're you doing here?
I thought we were gonna,
you know
I am here to pick up my date.
Hi, Rich. I'll be right down.
Uh, you think you're taking
my little sister
to the drive-in?
Yeah. Man, I hadn't
seen her in a while.
She is so choice.
-She's choice, huh?
-Yeah, man.
-She's choice?
-Yeah.
-You're dead!
-[SCREAMING]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
Get off me!
Get off me.
[SCREAMS]
What is your problem?
My problem is you're trying
Hey, it's not my fault!
She picked me up at the mall!
And another thing,
she's got
one hot little bod.
-Oh, man, you are dead, man.
-What?
-What?
-You are dead...
Stop! Just stop it!
What're you doing?
What?
Yeah, that's because he is.
Oh-ho, really?
Well, then, uh,
I'm gonna talk to you
in the kitchen, miss.
Excuse me,
big brother's calling.
Al, you are not going
to the drive-in with this guy.
[SCOFFS]
Yeah? Says who?
Says me.
Do you know what goes on
in a drive-in?
It's just an excuse for a guy
to make out with a girl.
I know.
That's why I wanna go.
Oh, man, you are sick.
The guy is way too old
for you, anyways.
[SCOFFS]
He's 18, I'm 16.
What is the big deal?
What's the big deal, huh?
What's the big...
The big deal is that
the guy is a pervert.
That's the big deal.
He is not.
Al, all guys are perverts.
with disgusting,
sleazy thoughts.
If you looked
inside my head right now
do you know what you'd find?
A big empty hole?
Yes!
A hole waiting to be filled
with disgusting,
sleazy thoughts.
Why do you think
I'm going to the drive-in?
Wait a minute,
so, it's okay
for you to go to the drive-in
and make out with someone
but it's not okay for me?
Yes. Now, you're getting it.
Good, good, look,
I'm gonna go in there
and tell Rich
he's gonna have to
find another girl, okay?
-Good.
-No. No. It's not okay.
J.T., I'm going
to the drive-in
whether you like it or not.
I am not done with you yet,
young lady.
Young lady? Young lady!
Man, this is pathetic.
We're stuck hanging out
in your garage
Yeah, it's... It's like
they get some sort of kick
out of making us miserable.
Hey, guys.
I found something
in my dad's desk
that's gonna turn this
into a real party.
Hey, is it that
Snap-on tools calendar?
-Hey, come on.
-No, better.
Cigars?
Awesome!
Yeah, my dad smokes them
with his friends all the time.
He looks really cool.
Hey, I don't know about this.
I mean, um, our moms
will be pretty upset
if they knew
we were smoking cigars.
Yeah, you're right.
Let's do it!
Yeah!
This is so cool.
[ALL COUGHING]
I think I'm getting hair
on my back already.
Hey, honey,
you want a brownie?
No. No, no, no.
No chocolates for me.
Uh-uh.
Well, I think
you look wonderful.
But, if you feel you need
to lose a few pounds
then I'll support you.
I know how hard it must be
for you to give up brownies
'cause they're your favorite.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm proud of you.
[MUMBLING]
You are pathetic.
-[GROANING]
-Hey, Mark, how is it going?
I feel so sick.
Mark, what's wrong with you?
I'll tell you all about it.
But first, I gotta go upstairs
and call Ralph
on the big white phone.
Did he smell like cigar smoke?
Yep, looks like wolf boy
locked himself on to a stogy.
Well, that does it,
I'm gonna go
No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.
Honey, honey.
I think maybe this is
something that
I should handle.
Because Mark and I
have a lot in common.
Like what?
[WATER GURGLING]
Oh, Dad, you should've seen it.
Mark just barfed 13 times
in less than a minute.
I'm gonna go tell Cody.
[MARK GROANING]
How you doing, Mark?
Not so good.
I think I just saw something
I ate last year.
Smoked a cigar tonight,
didn't you?
Yeah, the whole nasty thing.
And why did you
do that, Mark?
I don't know.
I was with the guys,
and our moms
never let us do anything.
I guess we thought
it'd be kind of cool.
Pretty stupid, huh?
No, not really.
It's all a part
of natures and wild.
Take wolves...
The young wolf cub wants to
break out on his own
but mama wolf
wants to carry him
around in her mouth
then the wolf pack--
-Frank?
-Huh?
I'm kinda dizzy.
Is there a point to all this?
Oh, yeah,
but the point is
that I know you're at an age
when you wanna
prove yourself to be a man.
But, Mark, there's gotta be
a better way to go about it
than smoking' cigars
and being sick all night.
Man, I hope so.
Tell you what, next week,
why don't I take you
and your buddies up
to the mountains, camping?
We'll do a bunch of guy stuff.
Really? Like what?
How'd you like to write
your name in the snow?
You mean,
you'll let us do that?
Yeah, initials first,
but we'll work our way up.
Thanks for asking me out, J.T.
I love French Kiss.
I've seen it 12 times.
[ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING
OVER DRIVE-THRU SPEAKERS]
Yeah, it's great.
Um, J.T., I don't want you to
um, take this the wrong way
but would you mind if I called
you Kevin, tonight?
Yeah, sure, whatever.
-Is something wrong?
-Uh, yeah.
Uh, it's chapped lips.
I'll be right back.
So, uh, how do you
like the movie?
Oh, it's, um, really romantic.
♪ Every moment of the year ♪
J.T.: Hey!
You guys okay
for snacks in here?
-We're fine.
-No, really.
They're really cool.
You gotta have one.
J.T., if you don't
get out of here
I'm gonna dip your pretzel
in salt.
All right, all right,
I can take a hint.
Geez, Louise, I'm gone.
God. I'm gone. Bye.
-Sorry.
-[SIGHS]
So, where were we?
about how romantic
the movie was.
Hey, Rich! Caught you, buddy.
Can I get you some nachos, huh?
Excuse me, I think I need
to have a little talk
with nacho boy.
-Come here!
-Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Hey!
-Cut it out.
-No, J.T., you cut it out.
You know, I was just
about to kiss that guy.
Well, then I'm glad
I got here when I did.
You know, I have
a newsflash for you.
I'm not your
little sister anymore.
Gidget's got hooters.
Look, Al,
I know you're growing up
but it's,
it's just hard for me.
I mean, when I think of you
I see this little girl,
pigtails and roller skates
and she's still asking me
to put Flintstone Band-Aids
on her knee.
J.T., you know--
I know you're just
trying to lookout for me.
You're a really
good big brother.
But, I'm old enough
to make my own decisions.
Well, okay, Al,
I'll tell you what.
Uh, I'll deal with the fact
that you're old enough
to make out with a guy
as long as you do three things.
Don't tell me about it.
Don't do it in front of me.
And please, try not to
enjoy it too much.
I'll do my best.
All right then,
I guess we better
get back to our dates, huh?
I don't think they miss us.
It's quite a fetching fragrance
you're wearing there,
Ms. Dana Burger.
It's called "Seduction."
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, there he is.
The sexiest man
in America, huh?
[GIGGLES]
All right there, Ms. Dana Burger
prepare to
meet your dreamboat.
-Hey there.
-Hey, what's happening, dude?
-All right.
-Cool, huh?
[CODY GIGGLES]
Dana Burger, meet Brad Pit.
You, uh, might wanna move over
to your left a little bit
you know, so he can see you
with his good eye, you know?
[CHUCKLES]
-Ah!
-Cody?
You said you knew Brad Pitt
from Legends of the Fall!
Oh, yeah, that's him.
Uh, he played
dead body number three.
I bet you're confusing me
with that wimpy little fellow
who was in People Magazine.
See, he spells
Pitt with two Ts.
Mine's just P-I-T.
You know, like
peach pit or armpit.
Well, I know you two lovebirds
are just aching
to get out on the town.
[CHUCKLES]
Have fun.
So, uh...
How's about you and me
heading' to the drive-in
and seeing' French Kiss?
[SCREAMING]
Man, she's so excited.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Man, this is working out
better than I thought.
[LAUGHS]
[GIGGLES]
I'm glad you're here.
Hey, see if you can guess
what this sound is.
-[BLOWS HORN]
-[GIGGLES]
Huh?
It's a love boat
dropping an anchor
in the harbor of your heart.
[GIGGLES]
Hey, I went to this killer
bike ride last night, right?
I met the dude of your dreams.
DANA: Hmm.
So, in your opinion, the dude
of my dreams is a biker.
Totally!
[GIGGLES]
Hey, when I picture
the two of you together
I see sparks flying. Huh?
-Maybe you're having a stroke.
-Yeah. I wish.
[GIGGLES]
No, this is gonna be great.
I can see it now.
You'll be cruising
on the back of his hog
the wind flowing
through your hair
his name tattooed
across your butt,
just styling.
Ha! Huh?
Cody, as much as I love
to see myself
on the back of somebody's hog,
I don't think so.
Whoa.
Color me disappointed, huh?
[CHUCKLES]
Man!
And I thought you'd jump
at the chance
to have a date with Brad Pitt.
[SCOFFS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
Brad Pitt?
[BIKE ENGINE RUMBLING]
Cody, wait!
Cody, wait!
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
[SCREAMING]
♪ The dream got broken
♪ Seemed like all was lost
♪ What would be the future?
♪ Could you pay the cost?
♪ You wonder
♪ Will there ever be
♪ A second time around?
WOMAN:
♪ Woah-a, woah-a
♪ When the tears are over
♪ And the moment has come
♪ Say, "My Lord
I think I found someone"
♪ You know it will be better
♪ 'Cause you're putting
it together
♪ For the second time around
ALL:
♪ Step by step, day by day
WOMAN:
♪ Day by day
♪ A different hand to play
♪ The deeper we fall
♪ The stronger we stay
WOMAN:
♪ We'll make it better
MAN:
♪ Second time around ♪
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
So, Rich,
what do you wanna do tonight?
Uh, watch a little tube?
Ah. Too boring.
-Uh, bowling?
-It's too tiring.
Ugh, man!
Must be something
a couple of studs like us
can do tonight.
I got it, man.
French kiss.
I'm outta here.
Not us, you moron.
I figure, we could go
scrounge up a couple of babes
and go see that movie,
French Kissat the drive-in.
We'll be French kissing
at the drive-in.
Yeah. When the girls see
Kevin Kline's movie star face
they'll get totally hot.
-Ah!
-Uh, uh, uh.
Couple of love machines
named J.T. Lambert
and Rich Halke!
-Yeah!
-[BOTH GRUNTING]
-They'll love us! Yes!
-Yes!
Okay, guys.
The moment we've all
been waiting for.
The new Victoria's Secret
online catalog.
[KEY CLACKING]
Whoa!
Yes!
Gentlemen,
welcome to
the spring collection.
-Hi, boys.
-Oh...
So, as you can see,
the high-resolution screen
gives you more pixels per inch.
in cyber space
than the Wonderbra.
Man, how do they always know
when we're having fun?
It's a mom thing,
'cause they got, like
radar in their female parts.
Yeah, moms are a real drag.
Tell me about it.
Geez, even the kids
on Full House
get to stay out
later than that.
Come on!
Oh, you think that's bad?
In fact, last week,
when I was trying on pants
you know what she yelled out
so the whole store could here?
"Sweetie, make sure there's
plenty of room in the crotch."
-It's the worst!
-Oh, it gross.
Mmm. Hey, wait, I got an idea.
Let's go see that
new horror movie tonight.
-You know, Blood Fest 4?
-Oh, yeah.
I heard they got real footage
of a guy's head exploding
and everybody eats his brain.
-Awesome!
-Yeah.
-Uh, Mom?
-Yeah.
Oh, great.
What're you gonna see?
Blood Fest 4.
Blood Fest 4?
Is that the one
where the guy's head explodes
and they eat his brain?
I don't think so.
Why? There's no sex in it.
Well, excuse me,
but I just happen to think
that cannibalism is sick.
Earth to Mom, it's a movie.
Hello.
Goodbye.
Man, she shot you down.
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, like your mom's gonna
let you go.
His mom wouldn't even
let him see Little Mermaid
'cause Ariel had
too much cleavage.
[BOTH SNICKERING]
Hey, man, speaking of cleavage,
your mom's kind of a babe.
Oh, shut up!
So, honey, that's why Second
and Ten is a passing down.
Tomorrow's walk, we're gonna
talk about the nickel defense.
-Hi, honey.
-Frank.
Do you still happen to have
that tool belt in your truck?
Sure, I do. Why?
I want you to staple
Mark's mouth shut.
He used to be so polite.
All he says to me now is,
"Duh! Earth to mom. Hello."
He treats me like
I'm some kind of idiot.
Oh, Carol, he is 14 years old,
and you're his mother.
To him you're an idiot.
What's that supposed to mean?
It means that Mark is at an age
when he wants to break away
from his mother.
It's all part
of nature's plan, honey.
Now, take wolves.
When a young male wolf cub
reaches puberty
he wants to leave the den.
Wants to make it on his own,
run with the big wolves
pee on things.
Oh, well, I hate
this teenage boy stuff.
You know, the other day,
I took Mark shopping for pants
I ask him one little,
innocent question
he practically bit my head off.
Oh, no, honey,
you didn't ask him
if there was room
in the crotch, did you?
Well, it's important.
[SCOFFS] Take some advice
from me, okay?
For the rest of Mark's life
don't mention his crotch.
I'm serious. He said he could
get me a date with Brad Pitt.
I don't know how he knows him,
it's Cody.
I mean, a couple of months ago
he was playing foosball
with Nelson Mandela.
He... He knows people.
[DOORKNOB RATTLES]
Hey-hey. And I'm on
to let you too, dude.
-Cody!
-Hey-hey.
-Hello.
-Hey.
Um, ahem, I was wondering
if we could talk
a little bit more
about that guy that you said
you wanted to set me up with.
Oh. You mean Brad Pitt?
[GIGGLES]
All right.
about the guy from the movie
Legends of the Fall?
[GASPS]
Dude, do you know him?
Cody, Brad Pitt is
only the sexiest man
in America.
Oh, [LAUGHS] I'm not
really into guys, you know?
But, he does have
a certain je ne sais quoi,
huh?
So, you, you really think
that you could get me
a date with Brad Pitt?
Totally! Hey, the Pittmeister
would be totally stoked, man.
Hey, when I showed him
your picture
he'd die with a smile
on his face.
[CHUCKLES]
Whoa.
Who am I
to disappoint Brad Pitt?
[GIGGLES]
That's what I said.
[SCREAMING]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[FRENCH ACCENT] Hey, J.T.,
you ready for
a little French Kiss?
Yeah.
What're you doing here?
I thought we were gonna,
you know
I am here to pick up my date.
Hi, Rich. I'll be right down.
Uh, you think you're taking
my little sister
to the drive-in?
Yeah. Man, I hadn't
seen her in a while.
She is so choice.
-She's choice, huh?
-Yeah, man.
-She's choice?
-Yeah.
-You're dead!
-[SCREAMING]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
Get off me!
Get off me.
[SCREAMS]
What is your problem?
My problem is you're trying
Hey, it's not my fault!
She picked me up at the mall!
And another thing,
she's got
one hot little bod.
-Oh, man, you are dead, man.
-What?
-What?
-You are dead...
Stop! Just stop it!
What're you doing?
What?
Yeah, that's because he is.
Oh-ho, really?
Well, then, uh,
I'm gonna talk to you
in the kitchen, miss.
Excuse me,
big brother's calling.
Al, you are not going
to the drive-in with this guy.
[SCOFFS]
Yeah? Says who?
Says me.
Do you know what goes on
in a drive-in?
It's just an excuse for a guy
to make out with a girl.
I know.
That's why I wanna go.
Oh, man, you are sick.
The guy is way too old
for you, anyways.
[SCOFFS]
He's 18, I'm 16.
What is the big deal?
What's the big deal, huh?
What's the big...
The big deal is that
the guy is a pervert.
That's the big deal.
He is not.
Al, all guys are perverts.
with disgusting,
sleazy thoughts.
If you looked
inside my head right now
do you know what you'd find?
A big empty hole?
Yes!
A hole waiting to be filled
with disgusting,
sleazy thoughts.
Why do you think
I'm going to the drive-in?
Wait a minute,
so, it's okay
for you to go to the drive-in
and make out with someone
but it's not okay for me?
Yes. Now, you're getting it.
Good, good, look,
I'm gonna go in there
and tell Rich
he's gonna have to
find another girl, okay?
-Good.
-No. No. It's not okay.
J.T., I'm going
to the drive-in
whether you like it or not.
I am not done with you yet,
young lady.
Young lady? Young lady!
Man, this is pathetic.
We're stuck hanging out
in your garage
Yeah, it's... It's like
they get some sort of kick
out of making us miserable.
Hey, guys.
I found something
in my dad's desk
that's gonna turn this
into a real party.
Hey, is it that
Snap-on tools calendar?
-Hey, come on.
-No, better.
Cigars?
Awesome!
Yeah, my dad smokes them
with his friends all the time.
He looks really cool.
Hey, I don't know about this.
I mean, um, our moms
will be pretty upset
if they knew
we were smoking cigars.
Yeah, you're right.
Let's do it!
Yeah!
This is so cool.
[ALL COUGHING]
I think I'm getting hair
on my back already.
Hey, honey,
you want a brownie?
No. No, no, no.
No chocolates for me.
Uh-uh.
Well, I think
you look wonderful.
But, if you feel you need
to lose a few pounds
then I'll support you.
I know how hard it must be
for you to give up brownies
'cause they're your favorite.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm proud of you.
[MUMBLING]
You are pathetic.
-[GROANING]
-Hey, Mark, how is it going?
I feel so sick.
Mark, what's wrong with you?
I'll tell you all about it.
But first, I gotta go upstairs
and call Ralph
on the big white phone.
Did he smell like cigar smoke?
Yep, looks like wolf boy
locked himself on to a stogy.
Well, that does it,
I'm gonna go
No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.
Honey, honey.
I think maybe this is
something that
I should handle.
Because Mark and I
have a lot in common.
Like what?
[WATER GURGLING]
Oh, Dad, you should've seen it.
Mark just barfed 13 times
in less than a minute.
I'm gonna go tell Cody.
[MARK GROANING]
How you doing, Mark?
Not so good.
I think I just saw something
I ate last year.
Smoked a cigar tonight,
didn't you?
Yeah, the whole nasty thing.
And why did you
do that, Mark?
I don't know.
I was with the guys,
and our moms
never let us do anything.
I guess we thought
it'd be kind of cool.
Pretty stupid, huh?
No, not really.
It's all a part
of natures and wild.
Take wolves...
The young wolf cub wants to
break out on his own
but mama wolf
wants to carry him
around in her mouth
then the wolf pack--
-Frank?
-Huh?
I'm kinda dizzy.
Is there a point to all this?
Oh, yeah,
but the point is
that I know you're at an age
when you wanna
prove yourself to be a man.
But, Mark, there's gotta be
a better way to go about it
than smoking' cigars
and being sick all night.
Man, I hope so.
Tell you what, next week,
why don't I take you
and your buddies up
to the mountains, camping?
We'll do a bunch of guy stuff.
Really? Like what?
How'd you like to write
your name in the snow?
You mean,
you'll let us do that?
Yeah, initials first,
but we'll work our way up.
Thanks for asking me out, J.T.
I love French Kiss.
I've seen it 12 times.
[ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING
OVER DRIVE-THRU SPEAKERS]
Yeah, it's great.
Um, J.T., I don't want you to
um, take this the wrong way
but would you mind if I called
you Kevin, tonight?
Yeah, sure, whatever.
-Is something wrong?
-Uh, yeah.
Uh, it's chapped lips.
I'll be right back.
So, uh, how do you
like the movie?
Oh, it's, um, really romantic.
♪ Every moment of the year ♪
J.T.: Hey!
You guys okay
for snacks in here?
-We're fine.
-No, really.
They're really cool.
You gotta have one.
J.T., if you don't
get out of here
I'm gonna dip your pretzel
in salt.
All right, all right,
I can take a hint.
Geez, Louise, I'm gone.
God. I'm gone. Bye.
-Sorry.
-[SIGHS]
So, where were we?
about how romantic
the movie was.
Hey, Rich! Caught you, buddy.
Can I get you some nachos, huh?
Excuse me, I think I need
to have a little talk
with nacho boy.
-Come here!
-Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Hey!
-Cut it out.
-No, J.T., you cut it out.
You know, I was just
about to kiss that guy.
Well, then I'm glad
I got here when I did.
You know, I have
a newsflash for you.
I'm not your
little sister anymore.
Gidget's got hooters.
Look, Al,
I know you're growing up
but it's,
it's just hard for me.
I mean, when I think of you
I see this little girl,
pigtails and roller skates
and she's still asking me
to put Flintstone Band-Aids
on her knee.
J.T., you know--
I know you're just
trying to lookout for me.
You're a really
good big brother.
But, I'm old enough
to make my own decisions.
Well, okay, Al,
I'll tell you what.
Uh, I'll deal with the fact
that you're old enough
to make out with a guy
as long as you do three things.
Don't tell me about it.
Don't do it in front of me.
And please, try not to
enjoy it too much.
I'll do my best.
All right then,
I guess we better
get back to our dates, huh?
I don't think they miss us.
It's quite a fetching fragrance
you're wearing there,
Ms. Dana Burger.
It's called "Seduction."
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, there he is.
The sexiest man
in America, huh?
[GIGGLES]
All right there, Ms. Dana Burger
prepare to
meet your dreamboat.
-Hey there.
-Hey, what's happening, dude?
-All right.
-Cool, huh?
[CODY GIGGLES]
Dana Burger, meet Brad Pit.
You, uh, might wanna move over
to your left a little bit
you know, so he can see you
with his good eye, you know?
[CHUCKLES]
-Ah!
-Cody?
You said you knew Brad Pitt
from Legends of the Fall!
Oh, yeah, that's him.
Uh, he played
dead body number three.
I bet you're confusing me
with that wimpy little fellow
who was in People Magazine.
See, he spells
Pitt with two Ts.
Mine's just P-I-T.
You know, like
peach pit or armpit.
Well, I know you two lovebirds
are just aching
to get out on the town.
[CHUCKLES]
Have fun.
So, uh...
How's about you and me
heading' to the drive-in
and seeing' French Kiss?
[SCREAMING]
Man, she's so excited.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Man, this is working out
better than I thought.
[LAUGHS]