Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 4, Episode 8 - Beyond Therapy - full transcript

Frank, what's this all about?

You're going to find out
soon enough.

When they won't even tell you
what the meeting's about,

you know it's gotta be bad.

Yeah, I can feel it.
We're gonna get hosed.

Just sit down,
sit down, sit down.

Here you go.
Gimme that.

C'mon, son, gimme that.

Hey, Einstein, gimme that.

You look fine,
you look just fine. Okay.

Alright, now, everybody,



Carol and I have something
very important to tell you.

Tell them, honey.

Well, I know that
this is going to come
as a bit of a surprise,

but I really think that
you will all be thrilled.

Frank and I are going
to have a baby.

Well, somebody say something.

You're having a baby?
Yes.

Mom, we're already
living three to a room.

Don't you think
it's about time

to shut down
the old assembly line?

Really, Mother.
I mean,
having a seventh child.

That's so third world.

I really wish you guys
had asked us kids

before you went ahead
and popped a bun in the oven.



Hey, excuse me,

but Carol and I do not need
your permission to...

Bake.

Yeah, and I don't like
your selfish attitudes.

I mean,
a baby is no trouble at all.

For the first six months
all it does is eat and sleep.

Just what we need,
another Lambert.

Like living
with you guys is a little
piece of heaven?

All right,
all right, all right.

Now just wait a minute here.

This baby is not going to be
a Foster or a Lambert.

It's going to be a combination
of the both of us.

Great, a mutant.

You're the only mutant
around here.

- Shut up.
- Make me.

Don't tell my brother
to shut up.

All right, that's enough!

You know,
I'm very disappointed.

I really thought that this
would be a special
family moment

that we would all
treasure together,

full of warmth and tenderness,
and caring, and sharing,
and love.

I can see that's impossible.

So why don't you all get lost.
You make me sick.

Talk about your mood swings.

Yeah, you think
she's grouchy now,

wait 'til she's
tubbing in at 175.

Well, I thought
this went pretty well

for a family meeting, honey.

At least we didn't have to
send anybody to
the emergency room.

Boy.

Frank, this is terrible.

It's like a war zone
around here.

I really feel nervous
about bringing a baby

into such
a hostile environment.

You know,
I think we should see
a family therapist.

Honey, no.

Gee, no.
Not a shrink.

I don't want to sit
with some stranger

and discuss my potty training.

Frank, I really want all of us
to go into family therapy.

In fact,
I'm using my "I insist."

You can't do that.
Yes, I can.

We each get one
"I insist" per year.

And you already
used yours to buy
that stupid yard weasel.

Well, there's got to be
a better way

than seeing
a therapist, honey.

Can't we just
write "Dear Abby"
or, or call "DialAPrayer?"

Forget it, Frank.
I am invoking my "I insist."

In fact, I am going upstairs
right now

to tell the kids we are all
going into family therapy.

Fine, I'll wait here
and catch you

when they throw you back down.

Man, this stinks.

We have to go to therapy
just because the geezers
are having a baby.

I know, this kid's already
a pain in the butt.

You know, some days
the bluebird of happiness

just drops
a load on your windshield.

I guess you're bummed
about the baby, too?

No, I love babies.

And I'm glad you two
are in therapy.

You guys got
a lot of problems.

Nah, I'm just bummed because
I'm turning into a werewolf.

Cody, wait a minute,

did you say you were turning
into a werewolf?

Yeah, buddy.

Talk about your
bad hair day?

Cody, why would you think
you're turning
into a werewolf?

Simple.

Hey, I was on this
overnight campout, okay,

and this little baby wolf cub
accidentally bit me.

So?

So, it's a well documented
scientific fact.

You get bit by a wolf,
you turn into a werewolf.

Don't you people
ever watch movies?

Cody, just 'cause
it's in the movies
doesn't mean it's real.

I mean,
those guys are just actors

with a lot of makeup.

Yeah, right.

Next thing
you're going to tell me

Free Willy was just some
big fat guy in a whale suit.

Cody, trust me,
there's no such things
as werewolves.

Well, I hope
you guys are right, man.

Because after all
the nice things

you people have done for me,

man, I'd hate to have to drag
the whole family out back

and feed on you
for three or four days.

And we're the ones
going to therapy.

Hi, I'm Dr. Russell.
You must be the Fosters
and the Lamberts.

Well, yes! Hi, there,
I'm Carol and this is
my husband, Frank.

How are you?
I'm fine, I'm fine.

I mean, I'm really fine.
This is all her idea.

I'm totally fine.

I'm glad you're fine, Frank.
I am. I am.

Yes, and these are our kids,

JT, Dana, Karen, Brendan,
Mark and Al.

As I mentioned on the phone,
we're a blended family.

Move over, Beanhead,
you're hogging the couch.

Don't call me Beanhead,
Gasbag.

They-- They haven't really
finished blending yet.

Well, it's hard
to blend with JT.

He came to us from
the AdoptAPet Program.

Go chase your tail, Barky.

Yeah, no one else will.

You know, maybe it would be
a better use of our time

if I speak with,
each of you individually.

JT, why don't I
start with you.

Okay,
might as well
get it over with.

I'm kind of nervous.

What happens in
a therapist's office?

It's no big deal.
You just go in there,
sit on a couch,

and talk about yourself.

Hey, that sounds like fun.

Will all the rest of you
talk about me, too?

Sure, dear.

So, why don't you tell me

how you feel
about having a new baby
coming into the house?

It ticks me off.

All my life
I've had to share a room.

Now they're probably going to

give this little squirt
a room of it's own.

I mean, what does a baby need
its own room for?

You can poop
in your pants anywhere.

Well, I've got nothing against
the kid personally,

but I've got a friend
who has a baby brother.

I was helping her change
his diaper once.

The kid peed right in my face.

What are you laughing at?

Well, I guess having a baby
will be okay,

I just don't deal well
with change.

I guess the only thing
good about having a baby is,

maybe it will get
my mother off my back.

See, she's having trouble
accepting
my budding sexuality.

Can we talk about that?

I don't like this at all.

See, right now,
I can get away with murder

because I'm the youngest
and the cutest.

But there's nothing cuter
than a baby.

Dude, I'm getting shafted.

Look, I need my beauty sleep.

What if this baby cries
the night before the prom?

I'll have to go
with puffy eyes.

I mean, how's my date going to
feel about that?

Taking me to the prom

is probably the most important
night of his life.

If I show up with puffy eyes,

I don't think that's
very fair to him,

do you?

I guess having a baby means

Mom and Frank
are really married.

Up until now,
I tried to think of Frank as

sort of a live-in handyman
who wouldn't go away.

Kind of like that Eldin guy
on Murphy Brown.

Well, at first, I thought

the idea of having a baby
was kind of scary.

I mean, I'm no spring chicken.

Sure, I look great, but I'm
a lot older than you think.

But then the more
I thought about it,

I thought, "Hey, maybe
we can actually train this one

"to do a little work
around the house."

You know, be different
than the rest
of the kids.

Do you have a beer
to go with these?

I'm dry as toast.

I... I don't need a beer.

I mean, I'm not dependent
on it, or anything.

Well, it's really very simple,

I just want to create
an environment

for my baby that's perfect.

You know, a loving family,
organically grown food,

gender-neutral toys,

and a preschool
that will stimulate his mind,

and yet, indulge
his childlike need for play.

See, I just want
everything perfect.

Do you mind if I,
straighten out your diplomas?

They're kind of tilted
and it's just
driving me crazy.

Well, I must say that,

talking with everyone
has been very educational.

So, when would you
like us all
to come back?

I don't think
everybody needs to come back.

Most of you are having
a pretty normal reaction

to the prospect of a new baby
in the house.

But there is one person
I would like to see again.

But, you said it was normal

for me
to have dreams like that
about Heather Locklear.

It... It is, Mark.

The person I want to
talk to, is your mother.

Me?

What's wrong with me?

Well, I just think it might be
beneficial for us,

to spend
some more time together.

Say, twice a week.

Twice a week?

Boy, Carol,
you must be a real wacko.

Hey, hey, hey,
now if the doctor thinks that

Carol is sick enough
to need twice a week,

then that's just the way
it's gonna be.

Don't you worry, honey,
we're gonna beat this thing.

Hey, Uncle Frank.
Hey, Cody. What's up?

Well, I've been doing
some research on werewolves

and I'm afraid it doesn't look
too good for me, Uncle Frank.

Cody, do you really think
you're turning
into a werewolf?

Yeah. Well,
it's kind of hard to

ignore compelling evidence
like this.

All About Werewolves.

From the author of
All About Vampires,
All About Aliens.

Sounds like
quite an authority.

Yeah, buddy.

According to this book,

I'm starting to display all
kinds of wolf-like tendencies.

Like what?
You starting to run
with a pack?

No, not yet, but my sense
of smell is getting keener.

Like, for example, right now,

I could tell
you're eating an apple.

Code, you can see
I'm eating an apple.

And that's another thing.

My eyesight's getting
keener, too.

That's not the only thing.

Check this out.

When I scratch my belly,
my leg jiggles.

Cody, you are not turning
into a werewolf.

It's just the power
of suggestion.

Yeah, well,
I hope you're right,

but just to be
on the safe side,

you better lock me
in my van tonight.

There's gonna be a full moon.

You know, Cody,
maybe you should be locked up.

Gnarly.

I like it.

Dude. What a cool dream.

Hi, guys.
Hi, honey.

Sorry, I'm late,

I just had the most incredible
breakthrough in therapy today.

I was telling Dr. Russell
how I wished I could

bring this baby into a more
peaceful environment.

And then it dawned on me.

If we could just have one day,

one day, with nobody arguing,

maybe, just maybe,
everybody would see
how nice it could be.

So, he told me I should
propose it to the family.

Propose what?

That for 24 hours,
nobody argues.

You mean,
we're not allowed to talk?

Well,
of course you can talk,

you just can't be mean
or insult one another.

Then what's the point
of talking?

Honey, maybe this is a little
too difficult for the kids.

Why don't we start out
with something simpler,

you know,
like just cutting out
all the bad words

and suggestions
that people "stuff" things.

Frank, it's only
24 hours.

And this is really
important to me.

All right, if this is
going to help you
with your mental problem,

then I'm all for it.

Frank, I do not
have a mental problem.

I just have issues.

Okay, why don't we all
just sit down and have a nice,

pleasant dinner together?

Please, pass the corn, Barky.

Don't call me Barky,
Greaseball.

I said, "please."

Hey, hey, hey,
now remember,
no arguing, none.

JT, there is no need to call
Dana names like "Barky."

And Dana,
there are better ways

to communicate your feelings
than by trading insults.

Now, why don't you just say,
"JT, when you call me a name,

"it hurts my feelings.

"I wish you wouldn't do that

"and I would appreciate
an apology."

I would say that, Mom,
but when I use big words

like "appreciate",
JT's little peabrain explodes.

Stuff it,
Possum Breath.

JT...

She started it.

Yeah, she's always
starting stuff.

Hey, butt out.

How would you like
a fork up your nose?

Why don't you
take a flying leap
into Lake Ugly.

That's a real good one.

Hey, hey, hey,
no arguing, okay?

Forget it, Frank,
just let them bicker.

It's all they know how to do.

I hope you all
have a good time

tearing one another's
throats out.

But I don't have to
listen to it.

Come on now, Carol,
don't go.

No, no, Frank, really.
I would rather
be alone right now.

What?
We were just talking.

All she asked for was
24 hours without arguing,

you guys couldn't give her
24 seconds.

I don't know
what she's so mad about.

We're always
bagging on each other.

Yeah, well maybe it's starting
to get a little old?

Carol, can I talk
to you for a second?

Why?

Well, I...
I know you're upset.

I just don't understand
why you kids have to call

each other names all the time
and insult one another.

Well, don't get upset.
It's just the way we talk.

I mean, it doesn't mean
we don't like each other.

Right, and "Possum Breath"
is a term of endearment?

Well, kind of.

Look, if I didn't like...

if I didn't like Dana,
I'd just ignore her.

The fact that I spend so much
time insulting her,

shows how much I care.

I mean, I lie awake
thinking, "God, she got me
so good today.

"How can I
bust her chops tomorrow?"

If that's not brotherly love,
I don't know what is.

Well, maybe
that works for you,
you're practically grown up.

But what about this baby?

I mean, is there any chance
at all that you're
going to be nice to him?

Well...

No.

I mean, I'd like to say yes,
but I'd be lying.

We're going to razz
the little kid,

we're going to play
tricks on him,

we're going to steal his toys.

Generally just pick on him.

But let me tell you something.

When that kid goes
into kindergarten
and somebody calls him a name,

he'll just turn around
and say,
"Hey, stuff it, Bozo."

And then we'll know
we've done our job.

Now, let me get this straight.

You mean, all this sniping
at one another
is some strange,

twisted, perverted
sign of affection?

Now you're finally getting it!

And you guys really
care about each other?

Exactly.

Well, sometimes
we go overboard
with the name-calling,

but, hey, nothing's perfect.

"Nothing's perfect."

That's what my therapist said
when I tried to
alphabetize his books.

God, you do need
to go twice a week.

All right,
I'll tell you what.

I'll try to, you know,
stop being
such a control freak,

and why don't you
try to tone down
the name-calling?

Deal.

You know, JT,
you're okay.

You are too, Carol.

Thanks.

Carol,
just one more thing.

What's that?

Don't tell Dana I like her.

It could ruin
our whole relationship.

Hey, Barky, get your bony butt off my chair.

Park it
somewhere else, Greaseball.

Hey, Cody.

Hey, Uncle Frank.

What's up?

Dude,
I gotta apologize to you.

I've been acting like a real
cheesebrain lately.

Imagine, I thought I was gonna
turn into a werewolf.

Well, now, you know,
you read enough books
about turning into a werewolf,

and pretty soon, you think you
are turning into a werewolf.

It's the power of suggestion.

It's like
if somebody says to you,

you know, "You look
like you're getting sick."

And pretty soon,
you think, "Wow, I do have
a kind of fever,

"and my head hurts,

"and my throat's
a little scratchy,

"and,
my stomach is really upset."

Pretty soon, you've talked
yourself into believing
you've got the flu.

God, you know, I'd love
to stay and talk
with you, Uncle Frank,

but I'm not feeling too good.

I think I'm coming down
with the flu.