Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 4, Episode 6 - Something Wild - full transcript

Hey, you guys, killer news.

You're not going to
believe this.

I'm getting into the Guinness
Book of World Records!

I have created
a freak of nature.

So did your mother.

Dana,
you're such a kidder.

So, what are you
getting in for?

Dude, I'm carving the
world's largest jackolantern.

Come on outside.
You gotta check out my gourd.

So this is what
my life is coming to.

Checking out Cody's gourd.



Careful with
that forklift, bro.

You know if that thing
gets away from you

it could take out
a whole city block.

-Wow, that thing's humongous.
-Yeah.

Cody, where did you
get this mutant pumpkin?

The Codeman always has
a few tricks up his sleeve.

And a chicken burrito.

I'll just
save that for later.

Okay, you can leave it
right here, bro.

You know, if you want
to get the world's
largest jackolantern,

you gotta start out with
the world's largest pumpkin.

So, I've been growing this
one out at Fuzzy Beale's farm.

How'd you get it so big?

Easy, man.



I just employed a few
ancient gardening techniques,
you know.

I played
classical music to it,
and I blessed the soil,

and I just
danced around saying,
"Grow, pumpkin, grow."

You know, Cody,

from now on,
whenever I think of you,

I'll just picture
an overgrown vegetable.

Totally.

-Morning, everybody.
-Hi, Mom.

You know,
having Cody's pumpkin
in the backyard

gave me a great idea.

Why don't we have
a big Halloween party
this year?

- That sounds cool.
- Yeah.

I love dressing up.

What are you
going to wear, Frank?

Honey, you know
I don't like to wear costumes.

Yes you do...

Captain Kirk.

That was a private party,
Lieutenant Uhura.

Man, this is too gross
to even think about.

Come on, Frank.
Let's go rent some costumes.

Wait, wait, wait.
What if I don't want to?

Well, then there'll be no more
fun on the Enterprise.

Beam me up.

A Halloween party.

This is the perfect
opportunity for me to put
the moves on J.J. Jenkins.

Who's that?

Only the hottest chick
in the eighth grade.

She's hot, she's smokin',
she's a babe.

Then why in the world
would she want to go out
with a geek like you?

Well, I don't know
if you've noticed,

but I've been going through
a personal transformation.

Puberty's kicked in,

and I've become
a seething mass of hormones.

Mothers,
lock up your daughters.

Mark Foster's on the prowl.

Great.

Mr. Wizard's in heat.

Well, get used to
the new me, baby.

Say goodbye to Nerd Boy.

From now on, I'm all man.

Hey, there, J.J.

Excuse me.

You talking to me?

I sure am.

I'm Mark Foster.

Perhaps you've noticed me
around campus?

Yeah.
You're the little dink

the guys are always
stuffing down the toilet.

Well, anyway, I was having
this little Halloween party
at my house

and I was wondering
if you'd like to come.

I don't think so.
I don't usually go out
with guys I can bench press.

Hey, wait a minute.

I might not look like much,

but I know exactly
what a girl like you wants.

Yeah? What's that?

You want somebody strong,
somebody hot,

somebody to do
your homework for a month.

Two months, if you play
your cards right.

You know, you're a
sneaky little weasel.

I like that in a guy.

You got yourself a deal.

Really?

I mean, cool, mama.

Hey, who knows,
it might be kind of a challeng

to get a guy like you
to loosen up.

Loosen up?

Baby, I'm Gumby.

How's it going in there?

Killer, bro,
dude, awesome.

The scoopage is complete.

Now, all I gotta do
is carve out the face.

Man, what do you use
to carve a monster like this?

Well, at first I was thinking
chain saw, you know.

But I didn't think I could
get the intricate detail
that I wanted.

So, I'm just gonna
nuke this sucker
with plastic explosives.

-Cool. Can we watch?
-Sure, man.

Just duck behind that
picnic table over there

so you don't get hit
by any flying pumpkin snot.

Okay, guys, put on
your protective ear covers.

We don't have any
protective ear covers.

Okay, well,
then, just like,

stick your fingers
in your ears.

Yeah. Okay.

You know, what you're
about to see

is gonna make history.

What?

What you're...

Would you guys
take your fingers
out of your ears?

What?

Never mind.

Okay, we go on in five,
four, three, two...

Wow, dude. No way.

Man, I thought I was
going to blow the side
of the house off.

Karen, you make
a beautiful mermaid.

Thanks, Mom.

And, Dana, you make
a beautiful...

Lady in a suit.

Mom, I'm Hillary Clinton.

Well, I guess
you've loosened up a bit.

Last year you went
as Golda Meir.

Where's Frank?

I don't know.
He was supposed to
be down here ten minutes ago.

Frank, come on down.

Everyone wants to see you
in your costume.

I'm not coming down.
I look stupid.

Frank, you look very sexy.
Come on down.

Nice monkey, Frank.

Yeah, he seems
very attached to you.

That's it.
This costume's coming off.

No, Frank, come on,
it's a Halloween party.

Everybody dresses up.

Jane think Tarzan
look very handsome.

Tarzan hate this.

Tarzan, jerk of jungle.

Can't I at least
lose the stupid monkey?

No.

You're Tarzan, he's Cheetah.

Without him, everybody will
think you're Fred Flintstone.

It's only 6:30.

What kind of moron shows up
an hour early for a party?

Hiya, blondie. Remember us?

Yeah.

God, it's those idiots
Mom set us up with last year.

- Dana!
- Honey, she's right.

It's those two jerks
who think they're
Beavis and Butt-Scratch.

Check it out, that old dude
called me Butt-Scratch.

Hey, old dude,
it's Butt-Head.

Yeah. Heh-heh.

I think I got
something up my nose.

Carol, look out!

You totally nailed that
old dude with fake snot.

Yeah, yeah, fake snot's cool.

The old dude
looks like a big booger.

Alright, listen, Butt-Rash.

I know we didn't invite you
to this party, so who did?

Hey, amigos.What's up?

I'm glad you made it.

You invited them?

Yeah. I told them how much
you've been talking about them

and of course,
how you want their bodies.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll take the mermaid.

I want her to slap me
around with her big tail.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No way, Butt-Spank,
Karen's mine.

You get the chick
that looks like the principal.

Maybe she'll keep you
after school.

Yeah, yeah.
Punish me, teach, yeah.

I've been a real bad boy.

Punish me. Punish me.
Punish me.

I love this.

Trick or treat.

Hey, hey, bonjourthere,
dudes and dudettes.

Tonight, for your
dining pleasure,

we got a pumpkin pie,
pumpkin loaf,

pumpkin quiche,
and pumpkin pancakes.

Take as much as you want,
we got pumpkin up the wazoo.

Cody, you're not going to
believe what Mark's wearing.

He looks like a roadie
for Aerosmith.

Dude.

Dudesie, take a walk
on the wild side. All right.

-I'll get it.
-Okay.

Hubba, hubba, hubba.

Pace yourself, Gumby.
It's gonna be a long night.

Well, hi, I'm Mark's mother.

Great costume.
Madonna, right?

Yeah, she'd be my hero
if she wasn't such a prude.

Mom,
this is my friend, J.J.

J.J., this is my mom.

Hi, J.J.

Is that, skull and
crossbones a real tattoo?

Yeah, it better be.
It hurt so bad
when they put the thing on,

I nearly swallowed my tongue.

Well, aren't you
a little trooper.

Enjoy yourselves.

Tramp.

So, J.J., what do you say
to a game of Twister?

I'll tell you what, Mark.

I got something a little more
exciting in mind.

Follow me.

Yes!

You wanted to see me, baby?

Yeah, check this out.

We're gonna take these eggs
down the street and
have some real fun.

I presume we're not
making Denver omelettes
for the neighbors.

Not unless they want to scrape
them off their front door.

-Come on, let's go.
-Wait.

I can't leave my own party.

I wouldn't feel right
about it.

Wild thing,
I think I love you.

Hey, baby, like, you wanna
go for like a ride
or something?

Yeah, yeah. That way,
me and Blondie can sit
in the back and suck face.

Yeah, yeah.

All right, look, let's just
get something straight.

If you two boobs were
the last men in the universe,

and you had
the last scrap of food,

I would rather chew off
my own leg

than be caught dead
with either one of you.

Is that clear?

She said "boobs".

Yeah, yeah,
that's pretty cool.

Let's go trick or treating.

Yeah. That'll be cool.

Maybe we should, dress up
like, Siegfried and Roy.

Hey, old dude, I think I got
something up my nose again.

Yeah,

Hey, that old dude totally
nailed us with fake snot.

Yeah, I wish my dad
was like that.

See you later, old dude.

Cool.

Trick or Treat.

Someone's gonna see us.

Chill out.
They're not gonna see us.

They're all heading
in the opposite direction.

Come on, hurry up.
Nobody's around.

Hurry up, would you?

You know,
I'm beginning to have
second thoughts about this.

What if the owners come out
and they catch us?

They're not home.
Can't you see
their lights are off?

I hate to do this.

I mean, look at their door,
it's so nice and clean.

Not anymore.

Here, come on, show me
what you're made of.

-No, this isn't right.
-Don't be a wuss, all right?

Just head for the door.

Okay.

Hey, I got it.

That was kind of fun.
Give me another one.

Here we go.
Come on. All right.

All right, Mark,
you're a natural.

Yeah, keep those eggs coming.

I'm just getting warmed up.

Yeah, all right.

We got trouble.

Trouble? Ha,
I laugh at trouble.

Freeze, dirtbag.

All right, drop the egg.

Sorry.

Yeah, right.

Officer, I know I look
like a little hoodlum,

but honestly, I'm a nice boy.

Can the chatter, dog breath.

You're going down.

Is this going on my
permanent record?

That's affirmative.

That is a great costume.

-Thanks.
-There you go.

Hey, Uncle Frank,
Carol, great news!

The Guinness guy
is out back right now

checking out my pumpkin.

You know, Cody, I bet you win.

Totally, dude.

Man, I have a feeling like
immortality is just about to
knock at my door.

Maybe it decided
to ring the bell instead.

Man.

Wow, what a rad costume.

Dude, you look
just like a cop.

I am a cop.

I'm looking for
the suspect' s guardian.

I'm the
suspect's guardian.
What's wrong, Officer?

The suspect was apprehended
throwing eggs against a house
over on Maple Street.

Throwing eggs?

Mark Foster, is this true?

I'm afraid so, Mother.

I fought the law
and the law won.

Okay, Mr. Mohawk,

I'm leaving you in the custody
of your parents.

I think
I'd rather go to jail.

Well, that's why
we take you home, son.

Moms are a lot scarier
than prison.

You folks have a nice evening.

Keep your noses clean.

Dude!

Alright, Mark, we are
going to the kitchen

and we are going to
have a serious talk.

I'm in big trouble,
Frank?

No. Custer was in big trouble.

You're dead.

Mom, any chance I could
talk to Frank instead of you?

Why? So you can
get off a little easier?

Forget it. You sneaked out,

you vandalized a house,
you got arrested.

I am your mother and you are
going to have to deal with me.

It's about my sex life.

Frank, deal with this.

All right, Mark,
what's going on?

It was that girl
I was with, Frank.

She was a devil woman.

She pulled me into her
web of sin.

And how did she do that?

She kissed me, Frank.

And not just a peck,
it was a total liplock.

It was good, Frank.

Real good.

I think I see what
your problem is here, Mark.

Look, when a guy gets
to be about your age,

he starts to hear
two voices, okay?

Okay, he, he hears Mr. Brain,
and then he hears Mr. Hormone.

Mr. Brain says things like,
"Mark, don't egg that house.

"It's wrong.
Please don't do it."

Mr. Hormone says,
"Do it, Mark! Do it! Do it!

"She's a hot babe!
She'll kiss
you till your brain explodes."

Hey, how did you know that
Mr. Hormone pants like that?

Mr. "H" and I go back
a long ways. Okay?

The point is,
Mark, that you've
got to start to think

with Mr. Brain instead
of Mr. Hormone.

You've gotta listen
to your head and not your...

-I get the drift, Frank.
-Yeah.

Man, puberty's just
kicking my tail.

I used to be
such a nice young man.

Now, I'm just a hormone
with glasses.

Don't worry, Mark,
you'll get through it.
We all do.

How long did it take you
to get through it, Frank?

I'm not a very good example.

But don't worry,
I mean, you'll make it.

I hope so.

Frank, I just have
one last question.

What?

Is it just me, or was that
lady cop kind of exciting,

in a strange,
yet wonderful way?

Mark, you and I have to
take a fishing trip

and have
some long talks, okay?