Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 4, Episode 4 - Spoiled Sport - full transcript

-Hey, little dude.
-Hey, Cody.

The mighty sundae,

The Dean of Desserts,
the King of Confections,

the Sultan of Sweets.

- You want one?
- No way, man.

That stuff will rot your teeth
right out of your head.

Man.

Chocolate-Mint-Chip-
Fudge-Kaluah-Ripple.

Wow, Carol sprung for the
el primo ice cream-o?

She didn't.

Mom's on this
health food kick.



She said if we wanted
any junk food,

we're gonna have to
buy it ourselves.

Hey!

I bought that with
my own money.

Yeah, and give me back
my whipped cream.

Look, I know these are
your toppings,

but I'm trying to make
a sundae.

How do you guys
feel about sharing?

Hey, hey, hey.

Step-dudes at war?

You know, my philosophy has
always been about sharing.

Like, hey, dig it, man,

dig right in.

Cody, I've looked
in your refrigerator,



and I don't recall
anything that would taste
good on ice cream.

Are you kidding me, man?

That's an all-day chew.

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I still cannot believe that JT
put glue in my conditioner.

Well...

at least it gives it
more body.

Honey.
Honey, look at this.

Channel 56 is looking
for a part-time
weekend sportscaster.

I'm thinking I might
try out for that.

Good for you.

No offense, Frank, but what do
you know about broadcasting,

besides "Breaker, that's
a big ten-four, good buddy?"

Dana, for your information,

Frank was
the announcer for his
school basketball team.

That's right.
Hey, you know Vin Scully?

People said if I had
a better voice,
I'd sound just like him.

I'm sure you were great,
Frank.

Because that's what
their competition did.

Channel 31's ratings went
right through the roof

when they fired
their weatherman

I love that pig.

Hot today.

That's exactly my point.
Everybody loves a pig.

That's why
every station in town
is trying to find

the next Farmer Fred.

Well, hot dang, Frank.

and you can be a TV star.

-Frank, are you nervous?
-I'm not nervous.

-You seem kind of nervous.
-Well, I'm not nervous.

-All right.
-Excuse me,

we're looking for
Jack Pennington.

You found him.

Well, I'm Frank Lambert

Like I don't know that.

You're a little late, Frank.

Why don't you come up here,
have a seat.

-Okay.
-Here's the copy.

Wow.

It's just like a real TV show.

You're on the air
in 45 seconds.

On the air? You...

You mean, this is live?

Of course. It's the only way

I can tell if you can
handle the job.

You would not believe
how nervous some guys get

when they realize
they're talking to
ten thousand people.

Ten thousand people?

Thirty seconds.

Try breathing.

It helps.

Okay, here we go.

Excuse me,

Under the desk.

three... two... cue music.

Cue announcer.

Good afternoon, and welcome
to weekend sports update.

And now, here's the latest
from the world of sports.

Psst.

Frank, Frank.

-What?
-You're on!

Jeez.

Hello, sports fans.

Date, update.

Let's move to some
college scores.

A major upset in the Big Ten
today, Purdue thirty-four.

And, Michigan,

Well less than 34.
That's why they lost.

And from some other scores
around the country,

there's, 41 to 22,
16 to 12,

28 to 4 and, 13 to 7.

And the...

Hey. Hey, look, it's dad.

He must have gotten
that sportscasting job.

Wow, he's sweating
like a pig.

Yeah, he looks like
he's gonna hurl.

I'm really dry. Do you have
something else to drink?

You're on the air!

Okay.

In other sports...

-Come here. Here.
-What?

Just put him
in the cross hairs
like a deer.

In the NHL today,

the Detroit Redwings
traded a guy named...

Well, he had two "P"s
in his name, anyway,

and,
for another guy,

with a "L" and, and a "Z."

Well, this just in.

"Go to commercial, you dope."

We'll have more on this,
late-breaking story

right after these messages.

Clear.

-Frank, are you okay?
-I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.

-What are you looking for?
-I just need...

-I just need...
-What?

I need some water.

- Where's he going?
- For some water.

He'll be back in
a couple of minutes.

A couple of minutes?

I just wanted him to catch
his breath

so he didn't have
a heart attack.

- Okay. Come on.
- What?

-What?
-Come here.

-What?
-Sit down.

-You read the sports.
-Me?

I don't know anything
about sports.

You can't be any worse
than Water Boy.

Here we go. You ready?

-I can't do it. I can't do it. -four... three...

Hi.

I'm Carol, Frank's wife.

And,
he's not here right now
because he needed a drink.

Of water.

while Frank was,
um, reading the scores.

So messy.

Well, okay.

"The Minnesota Gophers,"

"dug a big hole for
themselves, and lost to Iowa,

"forty-two to seventeen."

I get it.

That's kind of cute.

"And the California Bears

mauled the Oregon Ducks
fifty-two to nothing."

That isn't very fair,
though, is it?

You know, a bear against
a duck?

You know, I always thought

like the Cardinals
and the Robins, and the Ducks,

and then put
all the meat-eaters
in another league,

you know, like the Lions
and Tigers and Bears.

"Lions and tigers
and bears." My.

Anyway,
that's all for today.

So, if you want
more highlights...

Use a rinse.

Well, I'm Carol, Frank's wife.
Bye.

And we're out.

Okay, I feel better now,
Jack. Let's go.

Well, Frank,
I already put this baby to bed.

What?

Well, they had to go
on the air,

Jeez, honey,

I hope you didn't
blow this job for me.

Well, I'm sold.

You're hired.

Well, thank you
very much.

Not you, Aquaman.

You bombed. She was cute.

Cute sports. I like it.

It's new, it's different.
See you next Saturday.

Well...

What do you know?

You come here to audition
for a job,

I end up getting it.

Isn't that funny?

There's no sense keeping all
your anger bottled up inside.

I am not angry.

I am not taking this job.

-Yes, you are.
-No, I am not.

Yes, you are.
I want you to take it.

Why would I want this job?
I don't even like sports.

Because if you don't take it,
you'll make me feel guilty,

and I don't want you
laying that stuff on me.

-What stuff?
-As if you didn't know.

Frank, don't be ridiculous.
I am not taking this job

-Yes, you are.
-No, I'm not

Fine, Frank, have it your way.
I'll take the job.

You would.

And do you know why, Carol?

Because you're a taker.

That's right, a taker.

You take, take, take, take.

You take my razor blades,
you hog all the covers,

Well, don't think
I don't notice those things,
because I do.

I'm just too big a person
to mention it.

And another thing.

Cupcakes.

Freeze, dirtbag.

Put your hands in the air
and step away
from the cupcake.

What are you?
The food police?

That's right.

I got this whole place
staked out.

Help! She's going to kill me
for an Eskimo pie!

Give me that thing
before I rake your face.

Help!

You put that rake away
when you're done with it.

Hey, Cody.

Hey, Uncle Frank.

You know those warning labels
they put on aerosol cans,

"Do not use near open flame?"

Those guys know what
they're talking about.

Yeah. Sometimes
I wish marriages
came with a warning label.

Why? Are you still having
a melee with the missus?

Yeah. She took
my broadcasting job, Cody.

And that's grabby,
small-minded,
and, and selfish.

Hey, hold on there a minute,
Uncle Frank.

Back up the bus, okay?

That don't sound like
Carol at all.

Yeah, I know. It's starting to
sound more like me.

I mean, it was a part-time job
on a local TV station.

Why am I taking it
so hard?

Yeah, well, I know,

I just don't know what it is.

Well, maybe I can help.

You know, sometimes when you
look at these problems

from an odd perspective...

You can see things
that nobody else can see.

Well, I'm willing to
try anything.

All right, let me just
clear out my mind.

My mistake, it was
already clear.

That's cool. It will
make our job a lot easier.

I got it.

she'll get to meet
Vince Lombardi before you do.

Cody, Vince Lombardi's dead.

Why didn't you say that
in your sports report?

That's a pretty big story,
don't you think?

Listen, Cody,
maybe I better just

work this out on my own, okay?

I got it. I got it.
I got it. Okay, dig it.

You had a dream.

You wanted to go
for that big brass ring.

You could'a been
a contender.

You could'a had class.

You could'a been somebody,

instead of a bum.
Which is what...

Sorry, Uncle Frank.
Your not a bum.

Aw, man, I was watching
this Brando flick last night.

I guess it kinda got stuck
in my brain.

Really?

You wanted to be
a prizefighter

No, no, but I did have
a dream once.

I'm going to go
talk to Carol.

Yeah.

Hi.

Hi.

Carol, I've been acting
like a jerk lately,

and I think I might have
figured out why.

Okay.

like most
small-town kids.

I thought I'd either go
to work for my father, or,

you know, get a local job.
Which was okay with me.

But then, I got to
announce the basketball
games at school,

I thought, gee, maybe
I could be a sportscaster.

Be... famous. You know,
be a contender.

But then I got out of school,

and married my first wife,
and had the kids.

I just sort of forgot
about the dream.

And then this channel 56
thing came up.

And then the dream came back.

Yeah.

But I guess I'm just
always going to be
kind of an average guy.

Frank,

you're anything but average.

from nothing into a success?

And would an average guy marry
a woman with three kids

and raise them as his own?

And would the average guy work
so hard to make me so happy?

I don't consider
that work.

That's because
you're not average.

As far as I'm concerned,
Frank, you're a superstar.

Okay, everybody,
this is an official notice.

These are my
banana cream pies.

Who cares about your pies?

We've got Mark's pudding.

All right,
you little scavengers,

this is our Chinese food.

So just keep your
grubby little paws off it.

Relax, Barky, nobody cares
about your puppy chow.

Hey, that's my
chocolate pudding!

That's my jelly doughnut.
Hand it over.

Not until you give me
my chocolate pudding.

Looks like she got the jelly
part of her doughnut anyway.

-Hey, Mark.
-What?

Hey, you can't do that
to my brother.

Yeah, right.

You don't have the guts.

Yeah, you're too chicken.

Big mistake.

Okay, this is war.

I don't have anything.

Boy, nothing works up
an appetite

I can't see! I can't see!

I don't believe this.

What are you dudes doing?

You guys are throwing
food around like a bunch
of six-year-olds.

If you dudes don't have
the common decency to treat
this house with respect,

you guys are never gonna
get treated like adults here.

Is anybody else here
as sick

as I am
about the Codeman, here,
always being right?

Cool.

Kung Pao cream pie.

Honey,
do we have to watch it?

Come on,
it will be fun.

All right, let's see
who's making a sap
of themselves today.

And now, here's the latest
from the world of sports.

Yo, sports dudes.

Okay, the Charlotte
Hornets beat the
Milwaukee Bucks today.

Man,
I can believe that.

Those hornets are tough.

Stung my butt
three times before I finally
nailed it with a hammer.

But that's not the worst
thing that ever crawled
into my shorts.

Hey. Hey, who turned out
the lights?

Hello?

Hello?