Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 4, Episode 21 - Where Have You Gone, Joe DiMaggio? - full transcript

Hi, guys.

Well, haven't we been
a busy little bee.

Karen, honey,
is there something
you'd like to tell Mommy?

This is a pregnancy
empathy belly I got
from my health teacher.

I have to wear it
for a class project.

I've heard about
those empathy pads.

It helps you
to know what it's like
to feel pregnant, right?

You know, weight gain,
breast enlargement,

even presses against
your bladder so you
have to pee all the time.

Sounds like fun
for the whole family

Yeah well, it is not fun.
I mean, this thing
weighs a ton.



No wonder Mom's
so tired all the time.

I've only had it on for
an hour and it's killing me.

Man, chicks are such wimps.

JT...

Honestly, JT,
"chicks are wimps?"

I mean, that's probably
the dumbest thing
I've ever heard you say.

That's cause you're not
around him that much.

Come on, Carol.
Being pregnant is
no big deal, all right.

Women just
milk it for sympathy.

I think I'll just
step way over here.

Listen, cave boy,

men wouldn't last 48 hours
if they had to be pregnant.

Wanna bet?

Yeah.



I'll take
a piece of that action.

All right, fine, fine.
Name your stakes.

All right, let's see.

How about this? All right...

The loser has to kneel
in front of the winner

and say,
"I am the weaker sex.

"You are far superior.

I bow down before you
and kiss your feet."

Fine, you're on.

I'll wear the pad
this weekend.
And so will Dad.

Hey, hey,

What is this "Dad" stuff?
You don't have
to drag me into this?

What's the matter, Frank?
Don't you think

a big, strong, man like you
could handle being pregnant
for one little weekend?

Well, I--
I could handle it.

- Then it's a bet?
- Yeah...

No.
Okay, it's a bet.

All right, it's on!

By this Sunday night,
you guys will be
kissing our feet.

We'll see about that.

Yeah, I'll get two pads
from school tomorrow.

Fine, fine, but make sure
mine has big boobs.

If I'm gonna be a chick,
I want to be stacked.

Wow. I sure hope there's
a 58 inch baby in there.

- Hey, Carol. Hey...
- Hi.

Have you seen Brendan?

I think he's
up in his room.

Cool. Hey, I've got
a mondo surprise for him.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

His favorite baseball
player, Kenny Barton,

he's playing an exhibition
game today in Milwaukee.

And I got two primo tickets.

Is it okay if I take him?

Well, sure, that's
really nice of you.
Cool.

I just, you know,
I wish that Brendan
had a better role model

than Kenny Barton though.

Every time I see him on TV,
he's spitting tobacco juice

or calling some
female reporter, "babe."

Don't worry
about that, Carol.

You know, Brendan doesn't pay
any attention to that stuff.

He just likes
Kenny Barton because
he's an awesome ballplayer.

-Hey, guys, check this out.
-Hey.

"Kenny Barton Juicy Chew."
Look what I can do.

Now, I can spit
just like the pros.

Gee, whatta gift.

Hey, dude. Check it out.
I got two tickets
to today's game.

-With Kenny Barton?
-You betcha'.

Man, hustle it out
to the van, maybe we
can make batting practice.

- Awesome!
- Yeah.

- Brendan, get--
No, stop--

Brendan-- ...

Later, babe.

Yeah, we'll work on
the "babe" thing on the way
to the game, you know.

Yeah, and the spitting, too.

The spitting, too.
No loogies in the kitchen.

Yeah, you got it.
Thank you, Carol.

Let's go, boys.
Get your pregnant
butts down here.

All right, ladies, it's my
pleasure to present that
all-singing, all-dancing,

all-pregnant
entertainment duo,
"Francine and Tootie Lambert."

Well, all I can say is,
I have never seen a bigger
pair of boobs in my life.

Yeah, I've got quite
a rack on me, don't I?

If I wasn't
such a gentleman,
I'd be all over myself.

All right, come on.
Honey, I'm tellin' ya,
I love being pregnant.

Come and check this out.
I can watch TV and just
set my beer nuts right there.

This guy kills me.

This is great.

My father and my brother
enjoy dressing up
like pregnant women.

As if I wasn't screwed up
enough already.

Yeah. She thinks
she's got problems?

These guys are
my male role models.

Hey, Tootie, what do you say
we just sit back and watch
the ballgame all day?

Sounds great, Francine.

-Not so fast, tubbies.
-What?

I have a bunch of errands
for the two of you to run.

Supermarket, hardware store,
dry cleaners.

Hey, no problem.

Will have these done
and be back before
the game starts.

Let's go. Here we go.

All right. Just get me
out of this whale suit
and we'll be on our way.

You got it.
No, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

Mom doesn't get to
take off her "whale suit,"
so neither do you.

You don't expect us
to go out in public like this?

Why not? I do.

Yeah, but you're a chick.

So are you
for the next 48 hours.

Could one of you
ladies get that?

I'll take care of it.

Well hello, cutie,
what can I do for you?

Mommy, Mommy!
Scary man!

Well, well, no, no,
no, no, it's --

I don't always
look like a woman.
It's just for the weekend.

Stay away
from my kid, you pervert.

Bye, girls.

Man, that was
the coolest game ever.

Kenny Barton hit a home run
and you actually
caught it for me.

Yeah, I only wish I hadn't
caught it with my head.

Okay, dude, this is it:
the players' locker room.

Now just remember, little cuz,
just because these guys
are professional ballplayers,

you know, they're ordinary
"Joes" like you and me.

Right on.

Dude, you're the shortstop--

Wow, way to turn
that double play!

Hey, man, you're
the center fielder,
all right--

Way to throw
that guy out at home!

Cool! Dude, you're
the groundskeeper, all right--

Way to mow that grass!

Hey.

I didn't see Kenny.

Yeah, me neither.

Hey, dude, is
Kenny Barton coming out?

No. He's got an interview
in a few minutes,

then he's probably
gonna slip out the back.

Great. Now I can't
get him to sign my ball.

Well, why not, dude?
All we got to do is
go inside the locker room.

Well, and how are
we gonna do that?

There's a guard.

Dude, you just
kick it right there
in the chair, all right.

And I distract the guard,
get him away from you,

and then you sneak
into the locker room.

Yeah. That will totally work.

Cool!

Help! Help! Dude!

Hey man, what's going on?

Dude, I'm being mugged!

- Where'd he go?
- Man.

Really big, mean dude.
Hairy. Ugly, wow.
Went that way.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay,
yeah, sure. That sounds great.

Book me on Letterman,
then call Leno up
and see what he pays.

Right. And, Sid,
listen, let's get cracking
on that shoe deal, okay.

If those jerks
want Kenny Barton
to be their spokesman,

they can pay through
the nose. Yeah. Ciao.

Kenny?

You're looking at him, kid.

Wow, you're my favorite player

and I was wondering if
you could sign my baseball.

It's the one you hit
a home run with.

Sure, kid.

You got fifty bucks?

-For what?
-My autograph.

It costs fifty bucks
for your autograph?

Hey, Kenny Barton's signature
is worth a lot of money.
I don't just give it away.

Well, I don't have any money,

but I do think you're
the greatest baseball
player in the whole world.

Yeah, so do I.

That's why I get fifty bucks
for my autograph.

Talk to me.

Hey, babe. How ya' doin'?

Nah, nah, no, I'm not busy.

Just some kid here
trying to get a freebie...

Yeah, well, what can I say,

it'd all part of
being a star. Yeah.

Mom, I can't believe
you're watching
"Three's Company."

Why? I thought
it was a good show.

That Chrissy,
she really cracks me up.

Let me guess
what this one is about.

The girls are
wearing short-shorts

and there's some sort of
wacky misunderstanding.

All right.

Come on.

Okay... There...

Well, could somebody
help us here? We're
pregnant, you know.

Well, lookie here, Maw...

Looks like these big
ol' pregnant men are
plum tuckered out.

My, my.

Okay.

Man, these pregnancy
pads are torture machines.

My feet are swollen,
my back hurts,

and I had to stop
and pee every ten minutes.

Gee, girls, ready to throw
in the towel, yet?

No, no we're not,
but I think you
cheated, honey.

This thing has to weigh
more-than a baby.

And look, my feet
are starting to spread.

Well, rest up,
cause I got some more
errands for you to do.

I want you to-stop
by the Home Center

and pick up the wallpaper
for the baby's room.

And stop by the fruit
stand on Route 32.

I need some watermelons
for Brendan's class party.

Watermelons?

Those are heavy.
Can't they just have raisins?

Nope, watermelons.
Big ones.

So, we'll take these,
groceries into the kitchen,

and you girls let us
know when you're
ready to admit defeat...

or kiss them.

I got something
for you to kiss.

They're so cranky.

They must be retaining water.

Come on, speed-bumps,
we got a melon run to make.

Man, these double D's
are back breakers.

I got to get a new bra
with some support.

Don't touch them.

I can't believe I used
to like these things.

Man.

Well, Edgar, I tell you,
with all due respect,

I beg to differ
with you, you know.

It's tarragon vinegar
not balsamic vinegar
like everybody says,

if you want to make
a good bordelaise, you know.

- I didn't
know that, man.
- Yeah.

What's the secret
to a good meringue?

Dude. Cream
of tartar, all the way.

-Solid, my brother.
-Totally, man.

Hey, the "B" man's out.
Hey "B" man
what's happening?

I want you to meet
a friend of mine, Edgar.

-Edgar, this is
my little cousin, Brendan.
-Hi, Brendan.

Hi, Edgar.

-Hey?
-Come on, Cody,
let's go.

-What's wrong with that?
-Hey, what's up there,
Droopy?

Where's the baseball, man?
I want to check out
the big man's signature.

I threw it in the trash.

You did? Why?

Kenny said he wouldn't sign it
unless I gave him fifty bucks.

What a dill weed!

Come on, Cody,
let's go home now?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

We are not going home.

Fifty bucks!

Dude, we are going in there
and having a little chat

with Mr. Kenny
"Butt-scratch" Barton.

Hey, Edgar,
dude, man.

I hate to impose on
our newly formed friendship
and everything, you know,

but, hey, me and my little
cuz got to get in there
and talk to Kenny Barton.

I'm not supposed
to let people in, Cody.

I know that, Edgar.

But, he hurt
my little pal here,
and I gotta go in there

and give him
a little verbal thrashing,
if you know what I mean.

In that case, my brother,
go right in.

-I hate that punk.
-Yeah.

You really tagged the ball
in the bottom of the ninth.

What were you thinking
about when you went
up to homeplate?

Well, Harmon, I'll tell you,
I was just trying
to stay focused,

you know, wait for my pitch.
But most of all, I was
thinking about my fans.

Yeah, what a crock
of bat guano.

Dude, you don't give
a flying "Fig Newton"
about your fans.

Pal, we're...
we're on the air.

Good, then all those folks
at home will know what
a lying saccow chips you are.

Hey, who let
this guy in here?

I did. You got
a problem with that?

Yeah, well,
like I was saying--

Listen, jerkwater...

My little cuz, Brendan,
came down here today

'cause he thought you were
the coolest guy in the world.

Dude, you broke his little
heart trying to charge him

fifty bucks for
your stinking autograph.

Fifty bucks?

Hey, I don't run a charity.

My signature's worth
big money. I'm a superstar.

Yeah, 'cause of
little dudes like Brendan.

Man, you should be
falling all over yourself

trying to sign baseballs
for dudes like him.

Back to you, Kenny.

Look, baseball is business.

You want to send a message,
call Western Union.

I'm out of here. I got
a card show to get to.

Yeah.

What a butt-face!

Well, there you have it.
One man's opinion
of Kenny Barton.

Now, back to you
in the studio, Marv.

Well, that's it.
Thanks, guys.

Listen, I'm real sorry
about that. I hope we didn't
mess up your broadcast.

No. Actually, I think you
made it a little bit better.

Yeah?
That Barton guy's
a real dill weed, isn't he?

-Yeah.
-What's your name, son?

Dude,
I'm Cody Lambert.

This is my little
cuz, Brendan.

Well, Hi.
I'm Harmon Killebrew.
Nice to meet you guys.

-Wow, you're Harmon Killebrew?
-Yeah.

-I've got your baseball card.
-You do?

Dude, you hit more
home runs than Mickey Mantle
and Reggie Jackson--

And they gave
that dude a candy bar.

-Go figure.
-Yeah.

Hey, you know, we really
didn't mean to hose your TV
interview and everything, man.

You know that guy
Kenny Barton, he really
just cheesed me off.

Cody, don't apologize.
I agree with you.

You do? Dude, ha, hey.

Did you hear that?
My man Harmon
agreed with me.

You know, in my day,
ballplayers knew that

the fans were the most
important people in baseball.

Especially kids like you.

But today, they seem
to forget that the fans

are the ones that
buy the tickets
and sit in the seats.

They should remember
that it's the fans
that make baseball.

And if it weren't
for the fans,
we'd all be out of a job.

Yeah. Amen to that,
"Your Baseballness."

Yeah. Hey, Brendan,

I'm not a Kenny Barton,
but I am in the Hall of Fame.

I'll sign a baseball for you.

-Really?
-Sure.

Wow!

There you go, sport.

Wow, this is the greatest
day of my whole life.

Isn't that beautiful?

Monster move, bro'. Cool.

Hey, is ol' Pete
still making those killer
chili dogs down the hall?

Yeah, he sure is.
Man, can I buy you one?

Sure, let's go for it.

Dude.
Putting on the feed bag
with old number three.

Is this a Hall of Fame
day, or what?

-C'mon, Edgar.
Let's go get a hot dog.
-Okay.

Push. Just push me.
God! Okay...

God!

These things weigh a ton.

I've lost
the will to live.

Me too, Dad.

I can't handle being pregnant.

-Think I wanna quit.
-No, no, no, we can't quit.

They'll, they'll laugh at us.

They laugh at us now, Dad.

-Yeah.
-Ahoy.

Thar she blows.

Aye, you're right, Captain.
There's a fortune
in blubber here.

Make all the jokes
you want, Carol.

Just please get me
out of this stupid whale suit.

JT, does that mean
what I think it means?

Yes, Dana- It does.

I quit. You win, okay?

Okay, how about you, Shamu?

Ready to go belly up?

Anything. As long as
I can get this bowling
ball off my bladder.

Hey! Hey! Hey! No.

God!

I think my water broke.

I don't believe we have
heard the magic words.

Okay, okay, fine.

We are the weaker --

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

The agreement was,
on your knees,

in front of us,
then kiss our feet.

- Okay.
- Come on.

I am really looking
forward to this.

Okay, boys, let's hear it.

Come on.

"We are the weaker sex."

We are the weaker sex.

"Women are superior to men."

Women are
superior to men.

"We bow down before you
and kiss your feet."

We bow down
before you and kiss your feet.

Okay.

No, no.

Lips on leather.