Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 4, Episode 17 - Head of the Class - full transcript

Just doing
a little dusting, honey.

Yeah, with a leaf blower?

Yeah, well, it beats the tower

over that sissy,
feather duster.

I'm all done.

I'll, I'll fix this
when I come back in.

Honey, I like your hair.

Did you do
something different?

Yeah, that wind-blown look.

I like it.

Well, what's going on?



Well, Dad says you're not
supposed to work so hard

because you're pregnant
so we're all pitching in.

Well, I really appreciate
that,

and you're doing
a very good job.

I would just like
to say one thing

about the way that
you're folding these towels.

See, I like to do it
like this,
one-third, one third.

Bend, bend, and fold.

See?

Let me show you again, okay?

Okay. Just watch me.
Here we go.

One-third, one-third.
Bend, bend and fold.

See? All the edges
are smooth. Happy towels.

Mom, every time we do
something around the house,



you say we're doing it wrong.

No, no.
You're not doing it wrong.

It's just that I do it better.

Okay, let me show you
once more, all right.

Just watch me.
Here we go.

One-third, one-third.
Bend, bend, and fold.

See?

Good towel.

Better towel.

Hey, guys. Guess what.

The greatest thing
happened to me today.

Well, congratulations.

Did you finally outgrow
that training bra?

Hey, JT. That's real funny

for a greaseball slacker
with no future

and an inflatable girlfriend.

Yeah?

Well, you got big shoes.

Man, that was lame.

So, Dana,
what's your good news?

Well, the head
of the History Department

asked me to tutor some
high school students.!

This is going to look great
on my resume.

It's just going to be me
and one other college student

teaching a room full of kids.

Wow. Well, who's your partner?

I don't know,

but they only pick
the cream of the crop.

Whoever it is
must be brilliant.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, Dana-burger.

Hey, I'll bet you never guess

who your new
teaching partner is.

God. That's impossible.

Okay, I'll give you a hint.

Now, he lives
in your driveway.

He's wearing a cheese hat.

He's carrying an air horn.

-This isn't fair.
-Dude, it's me.

Man, I thought the cheese hat
was a dead giveaway.

My little teaching partner.

Hey, Dana.

Well, hi...

This is so great.

I just love the way
you're all helping out.

See. It's not like you have
to do everything yourself.

You know?

Right.

Karen, gee, you're doing
just a wonderful job here.

But let me show you
a better way, okay?

See, all the cups
should be facing

in exactly the same direction.

See? One right after another,

all like they're little
soldiers on parade.

You're scaring me, mom.

Honey, they're just
coffee cups.

They're not the blue angels.

They don't have to fly
in formation.

Well, Frank, you just can't
put things away willy-nilly

like you're doing
with the cans.

What's wrong with the cans?

Well, you can't see the labels

so you don't know
if they're alphabetized

Oor in their correct
food groups.

Also, they're not stacked

according to height, weight,
and nutritional value.

That's it. I quit.

I'm not working for Carol,
the Nazi Kitchen Master

anymore.

Fine. I'll do it myself.
It'll just take a second.

See? Okay, here we go.

Soup, fruit, fruit.

Honey, stop. Carol,
Carol, honey.

-What?
-Stop. Can't keep doing this.

If you do,
you're going to burn out,

and that's not good
for the baby.

You mean,
if Carol works too hard,

it could hurt the baby?

Well, don't worry. I'm not
going to work too hard.

It's just that
I just can't relax

unless everything
is done perfect.

Well, I'm going
to do something
I can't possibly mess up...

I'm gonna make sure
there's toilet paper

in all the bathrooms.

That's a good idea, honey.

Karen. Karen. Um...

Make sure
that it rolls from the front

-and not from the back, okay?
-Yeah.

And, Karen, fold
the bottom corner

you know, into a little point

so it comes down
to a little "V"
at the bottom, okay?

You know what? I'll show you.

Dad, with all due respect,

you're married to a psycho.

Tell me about it.

Hey, Dana-burger.

Dude.

Hey, you know something
I just realized?

From behind,
you look just like

my fifth grade teacher,
Mrs. Neidermeyer.

Only you don't got blue hair.

and you don't have those arm
flap jobbies hanging down.

Yeah? Yeah.

And your butt's
not 40 feet wide.

Man, other than that,
you're a dead ringer.

- You're 20 minutes late.
- Yeah.

I know, but wait
till you hear the reason.

You're just going to want
to give me a great big hug.

Okay, dig it. I signed up
our class to appear

on the hit TV game show
It's Academic.

They're going to be on TV
two weeks from today. Hah!

Are you nuts?

You want to take a bunch
of remedial students

and put them on TV
against geniuses?

Hey, don't fight it.
Just give me the hug.

Why would they even want
these kids

on their show, anyway?

Dude, it's the classic
docudrama.

The haves against
the have-nots,

David against Goliath,

Rocky against Apollo Creed,

Rocky against Mr. T,

Rocky against
that Big Russian dude.

Well, you know,
by the fifth Rocky,

you'd figure he wouldn't be
the underdog any more.

I hope this isn't going
to take long.

I got Goof Troopcoming on
at 5:00.

Okay, people. Take your seats.

We've got a lot to cover.

Good. Another junior
professor here

to help us dumb kids.

My name is Miss Foster.

-And this is Mr. Lambert.
-Yeah.

But you guys can call me,
Codeman.

If that's not a roblem
with Miss Foster.

No problem.

Now, today,
we will be discussing

the Civil War.

This conflict was the result
of a constitutional crisis

that pitted northern
Industrial interests

against the agrarian society
of southern gentility.

Boring!

Hey, all right, you guys,
hold it down a little bit.

Give her a chance to warm up.

You know, she's kind of like
an old VW.

Got to get those juices
flowing.

-Thank you, Mr. Codeman.
-Hey.

Now, in a strictly
academic sense,

the Civil War wasn't so much
a military battle,

but a conflagration
between the proponents

of states' rights

And the advocates of a strong
central government authority.

Excuse me there,
Professor Dana-burger.

Can I have a word
with you over here

in my office, please?

Okay, now, in a strictly
academic sense,

you are boring
the snot out of everybody.

I mean, like, I love
the Civil War,

and you're putting me
into a coma.

Fine. You think
you can do better?

Here. You try
and get their attention.

Yeah, buddy.

Okay.

Okay, class.

Dismissed.

Until tomorrow afternoon.

Now, I want you guys
to all meet at my house.

We're going to learn
about the Civil War,

the Codeman way.

So prepare to have
your minds blown.

And I hope you like the smell
of gunpowder.

Cool.

So, what do you say,
Mrs. Neidermeyer?

You want to amble
on down to the cafeteria?

Maybe we can grab
some Tuna Noodle Casserole,

Yeah. Hey.
You better watch out.

I think you are getting
those arm flap jobbies.

Hey, was that blond chick
your mom?

Wow.

- Hey, what's all this?
- This is Cody's re-creation

of the Battle of Gettysburg.

It's his way
of getting you ready

for It's Academic.

Greetings,
fellow time travelers.

And welcome to the battle
gf Gettysburg.

Now, I'm going
to be your host, Generalissimo
Ulysses S. Grant.

This is cool. It's definitely
better than history class.

Dude, this is history.

Look, history is not just
a bunch of boring facts.

It's about, like, cool things

that happened to real people
like us.

Man, that's bull. History
isn't about guys like me.

It's about a bunch
of old people.

Nah. That's where
you're wrong, dude.

Like, most of the people
that fought in the Civil War

were the same age
as you guys.

-No way.
-Sure, yeah, way.

Cody's right. In fact,
thousands of the soldiers

who died in the civil war
were under the age of 18.

-Really?
-Hey.

Check out this book over here.

We got all kinds
of interesting facts
just like that

about spies, double agents,

dudes getting
their arms amputated

with no anesthetic...

just a little shot of whiskey,
maybe a bullet to bite on.

That sounds kind of cool.
Let me see that book.

Yeah.

Hey, hey!

-Ladies first.
-Yeah.

You guys don't got to fight
about the book.

Man, I got tons of them
for everybody.

You know what? Codeman, you're
actually making History okay.

Yes. Do you think this is fun?

Wait till I fire off
this authentic
Civil War cannon.

Check this out.

Ready.

Aim...

Booyah!

Dude, where'd that cannonball
come from?

Man, I thought
I was shooting blanks.

Frank.

Frank, wake up.

-Frank.
-I'm sorry, mommy.

It's not my magazine.

Frank, I think I hear
somebody downstairs.

Honey, go back to sleep.
It's probably nothing.

No, Frank,
what if it's a burglar,

and he's armed and dangerous

and all hopped up on drugs

waiting to shoot anything
that moves?

Go check.

I checked the last time.

It was an armed burglar

hopped up on drugs, ready
to shoot anything that moves.

It's your turn.

Frank, you're the man.
Now, act like a man.

Do what I tell you to do.

All right.

Okay.
Maybe he'll knock me out,

and then I can at least
get some sleep.

Brendan.

Son, it's three o'clock
in the morning.

I know. I couldn't sleep.

What's going on?

The towels weren't
folded right

and the cans were all facing
the wrong direction.

I didn't want you to worry.

Well, that's real nice.

But, pal, you didn't have
to do it

in the middle of the night.

Yes, I do. You said
if Carol works too hard,

it could hurt the baby.

You guys go back to bed.

I'm pretty sure I can get
all this done

before I have to go to school.

Brendan, stop. Stop.
Brendan, come here. Come here.

Tell you what, pal.
I'll see you
in the morning, okay?

Okay.

Brendan, I am so sorry.

I know I'm really picky
about the way

I like things done
around here,
but I never meant for you

to be up in the middle
of the night
cleaning the house.

But you said everything
has to be done right.

Yeah. Well, I think
I went way too far.

I was being very compulsive.

What's compulsive?

Well, compulsive
means, nuts.

You mean like,
"Bend, bend, fold"?

Look, I know I want everything
neat and organized here.

But not if it's going
to drive everybody crazy,

and certainly not,
if you're going to lose sleep

worrying about whether
the canned goods are straight.

So I don't have to keep
working tonight?

No, no. As of right now,

you are officially off
night shift.

I'm sorry. Did I hug you
too tight?

No, no, no.

I just felt the baby kick.

That's the first time
that ever happened.

Wow. Can I feel it?

Yeah, yeah.
Put your hand right here.

-It kicked. I felt it.
-Yeah. Yeah.

Does that mean
the baby's okay?

Yeah. Yeah.
Everything's really okay.

All right, you've studied,
you've practiced,

you've quizzed.
How do you feel?

Like I'm going to ralph
all over your shoes.

Man, you think
you can hold it?

Yeah, I think if you spew,
we lose points, you know.

Okay, we start in ten seconds!

All right. Don't you guys
worry about nothing.

You're going to be fine.
All right?

Just remember
the stuff that you learned,

okay? And all the hard work
you put in.

If you get stuck on an answer,

just say the year 1863, okay?

A lot of heavy stuff
happened that year.

Three seconds, two, one.

Good evening.
I'm Edward Miller,

welcoming you
To It's Academic.

Please welcome back
our returning champions,

Hillside Country Day School.

And let's have a nice round
of applause

for our challengers,
Kennedy High School.

Okay. Let's play
It's Academic.

The first question is,

what was the date
of the battle
of Fredericksburg?

Hillside.

December 13, 1862.

Correct.

Next question.

Which two generals faced off

at the battle of Bull Run?

Hillside.

-Mcdowell and Beauregard.
-Correct.

Man, those dudes
got fast hands.

Talk about fists of fury.

What was the first
African-American troop

from a free state to be called
into Federal service?

Kennedy.

Um, the 54th Massachusetts
Volunteers.

Correct!

Yes! Yes!

All right.
We are on the board.

What was the capital city

of the Confederate States
of America?

-Kennedy.
-Richmond, Virginia.

-Correct.
-Smoking.

Okay, now that sound signals
the end of regular play.

When we come back,
we'll ask the bonus question

which will determine
the winner.

Okay, we're in commercial.

All right! You guys are hot!

There is blood in the water.

I can smell it.

I love blood.

Dana's right.

A little grisly, but right.

I don't know.
I'm still not sure we can win.

Not sure?

Did I hear you say
not sure?

-Well, it's...
-Well, nothing.

Are you going to let a bunch
of mealy-mouthed

suburban sissies
beat you?

-I don't think so.
-Okay.

But nothing,

you've worked too hard
for this.

Now, I want you to quit
your whining,

suck it up,

and get out there
and kick some preppie butt.

Yeah. Dana's right.

Got to love that Dana?
Puts on the game face.

Okay, we're back
in three, two, one.

Welcome back To It's Academic.

Here's our final question

which will determine
the winner.

This ironclad ship became
known as the CSS Virginia.

What was its original name?

Kennedy, what's the answer?

I don't know. I just hit
that buzzer.

But we got
to say something, you idiot.

- Ten seconds, Kennedy.
- Think. Think.

It's gonna be either
the Monitor or the Merrimac.

Well, Virginia
was a Federal State

and the Monitor was the Union,
so it must be the Merrimac.

I think so too.

-All right. We say Merrimac.
-We say Merrimac.

Merrimac? Is correct!
That Kennedy!

All right! We talked the talk
and we walked the walk.

I told you, these kids
could do it?

I think it's time
for that hug now?

Nah! What the heck.

Yeah. Come on.

Do we make
a great team or what?

Sorry. Things got
really backed up

with the beauty salon.

Thought I'd just, you know,
defrost some ground meat,

whip up the sauce,
I'll have dinner ready
in no time at all.

Carol, honey. Carol.

I thought you weren't going
to do this any more.

You're right.

Think I'll just order in
a pizza.

Atta girl. I'm starving.

See, I do not need
to be compulsive.

Hello, Gino. Hi.
Carol Lambert here.

Buona sera.

Gino, I want
three large pizzas, okay?

On the first one, I want
a whole wheat crust,

I want low-fat mozzarella
and a low-sodium sauce.

All right? And I want
the olives sliced, not diced.

Okay? And I want
the ham cubed, not chopped,

and the anchovies filleted,
never minced...

No. On the second one,

I think you should get
some paper and a pencil

because it's kind
of complicated. I want...

Hey, Gino. Yeah, hey.
It's Frank Lambert here.

Just give us three
number sevens, okay?

Yeah. Thanks. Bye.

Good order, better order.