Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 3, Episode 7 - Hog Wild - full transcript

Man, Cody, you're a mess.

You've got motor oil on your
shirt, brake fluid under your

fingernails and you smell like
the grease rack at Jiffy Lube.

I know. Is life good, or what?

Hey, Codeman
Hey, Slasher, dude.

Hey, Slasher, how's the
tattoo business?

Couldn't be better.

Skulls are really moving
these days.

Yeah, so, Codeman,

What do I owe you for the work
on the bike?

Well, let's see, tune up,
brake job,



rebuilt the carburetor, adjusted
the lifters.

That'll be nine bucks.

Nine bucks?

Well, okay, eight bucks,
but not a penny less.

Dude, you drive a hard bargain.

No, no, I'll pay you the
nine bucks.

Codeman, you're a beautiful
human being.

Alright, you're a credit to
the species yourself.

Purrs like a kitten.

You know, the bigger they are,

the more tattoos fit on
their body.

Cody, I know Slasher's
your friend,

but you only charged him
nine bucks.

Well, I charge everybody
nine bucks.



That eliminates the billing
hassle

and it's easier to make change.
I mean, a dude gives you a ten,

you give him a buck back.

But you did so much work on
the bike.

I mean, the parts alone
must've cost a hundred bucks.

Yeah, let me let you in on
a little secret.

Not all the parts are new.

Yeah, you'd be surprised at how
many perfectly good parts you

can find driving around on
trash night.

Cody, you are the best repair
guy in town.

You just gotta change the
way you do business.

What do you mean?

Well, you gotta open up a
real repair shop where you can

service more customers.

And you gotta start charging
more than nine bucks or you're

never gonna make any money.

Yeah, but I don't care
about making money.

I mean, I just like fixing
bikes.

You know, and helping people.

Well, if you had a bigger
shop, you could help more people

Dude, I never thought
about that.

Alright, let's do it.

Where are you going?

Dude, it's trash night.

If I'm not out there by
five o'clock,

all the good parts are gone.

Morning, honey.
Hi, hon.

Frank, do you know what
next week is?

I sure do.

Yeah, yeah. Next week is
a very memorable week, honey.

Next week is...

well, it's the week that
starts... and becomes...

our anniversary week.

On the twenty-second.
It's our anniversary.

Great, Frank, you forgot again.

No, no, I didn't, honey.

I think I just kind of
blocked it out.

Don't you remember last year we
got into a fight?

You said you didn't want a gift,
so I didn't get you a gift.

And then you got mad at me
because I didn't get you a gift.

Well, this year, I'll make it
easy on you. I want a gift.

Alright. I'm gonna run out and
buy you a very nice,

very expensive gift.

Frank, you don't have to
spend a lot of money on a gift.

It's the thought that counts.

Okay, listen, I'll tell you
what.

Let's spend five bucks and get
each other a joke gift.

Is that what our marriage is to
you? A joke?

Okay.

I see you have a certain number
in your mind,

and you don't want to tell me
what it is.

So, I'm just gonna throw out
a few

random dollar amounts here,
okay?

Ten dollars?

Ten thousand dollars?
Thirty nine ninety-five?

Twenty five dollars.

Twenty five. That was my next
guess.

See? That wasn't hard, was it?

Yeah, right. Yeah.

Ew, yuck.

Frank is just gonna love
this cologne.

Thanks so much for
helping me pick it out.

My pleasure. I'd go anywhere to
hear that noise

the credit card machine makes.

I love that.

Well, simple things mean a lot.

Hi, guys.

Hi.

What's that?

It's my anniversary gift for
Frank.

Right. Your anniversary.

The day the Beverly Hillbillies
moved in.

You know, Dana, these insults
about the Lamberts are really

getting old.

You're right. I better go work
on some new ones.

Okay, help me find a
place to hide my gift for Frank.

What if we buy a box of frozen
waffles, dump the waffles,

put the cologne inside, and then
stick it back in the freezer?

How about we hide it in the
dining room

behind the good silver?

Yeah, that would work, too.

I'm home.

That's Frank!

Carol?

Carol?

Honey?

Carol?

Hi, Daddy.

Hi, pal. Hey, come and see
the anniversary present that I

got for Carol.

This baby set me back fifty
smackers.

But I thought you were only
supposed to spend

twenty-five smackers.

Well, yeah, I know that's what
we said,

but let me explain something to
you here, son

There's a big difference between
men and women.

I know. Women are different
because they don't have a winky.

Well, that's true.

And I'm glad to see our little
fishing trip paid off.

But I'm talking about a
different difference here.

You see, when women say they
want a little gift,

what they really mean is they
want a nice big gift.

You mean, like when Susie Wilson
says she only wants

a few of my Gummy Bears, but she
really wants the whole bag?

That's it. Women want the whole
bag of Gummy Bears.

And if you've got Gummy Worms,
they want those, too.

Man, being a guy is brutal.

Come on upstairs and let's wrap
this before Carol sees it?

I can't believe that.

We specifically said we'd only
spend twenty-five dollars

and he already broke the rules
and spent fifty.

But, Mother,
you spent thirty-five.

Doesn't that mean you broke the
rules, too?

Yeah, but only by ten dollars.
Besides, most of that was tax.

Mother, I don't understand what
the problem is.

Anniversary gifts show how much
you love each other.

Frank loves me fifty dollars
worth. I love him thirty-five.

What does that say to you?

That Frank loves you more?

Exactly.

Well, I am not gonna let him get
away with it.

If he loves me fifty dollars
worth,

I am gonna love him
seventy-five.

How about me? I could use some
love, too.

I don't know, cuz. I'm not so
sure these banker type guys are

gonna give a guy like me a loan.
I mean, they wear their

wing tips pretty tight, if you
know what I'm saying.

Are you kidding, Cody? Look at
this. Car loans, home loans,

boat loans. These guys are just
dying to give money away.

Okay now, just act
business like.

Cody Lambert?

Yo, Dudesie.

Sorry, yes, I am he.

This is my business associate,
John Thomas Lambert.

It's a pleasure to meet you,
sir.

We're here to see you about a
business loan.

Certainly. Why don't you just
have a seat

and we'll discuss your
financial qualifications.

Tight, tight, tight.

So, what kind of business are
you in

and how much are you looking
to borrow?

Well, we want to open up a
motorcycle repair shop,

so we'll need about ten thousand
dollars in start up costs.

Do you have any collateral?

No, sir. I eat a fat free,
high fiber diet.

Yeah, you could drive a bus
through my arteries.

Not cholesterol, collateral.

He owns his own home.

Good. How many square
feet is it?

Well, let's see, with the
bedroom, dining room,

living room and breakfast nook
and kitchen and foyer,

I'd say... about eleven.

That's eleven hundred?

Dude, it's a van, not an
ocean liner.

You live in a van?

I'm not just upwardly mobile,
I am completely mobile.

Well, I think I have all the
information I need.

Great. So when do we get
the loan?

When Willard Scott wishes you
a happy birthday.

Excuse me.

Dude, I'm not too familiar with
banking terminology,

but I'd say that's a big fat
negatory on the loan. Come on.

Codeman. JT.

Hey, Slasher.

How you doing?

Man, color me rejected.

I came in here to try to get a
loan to open up a real

motorcycle shop. They shot me
down like a low flying duck.

Is that right? They wouldn't
give you a loan?

No.

Well, let me have a little
powwow with Mr. Baxter over here

and see if I can't unfreeze
his assets.

Excuse me.

Mr. O'Reilly.

There you go.

Always a pleasure to see you,
sir.

Now, what brings you here today?
Making a deposit I hope.

Well, maybe. Maybe not.

There's an ugly rumor going
around that my friend here,

Cody Lambert, got turned down
for a loan.

He's your friend?

Yeah, he's a good friend.

So, I hope there's no truth to
the rumor 'cause I'd hate to

take my multi million dollar
account to another establishment

Well, I'd hate that, too, sir.

Don't move.
Okay.

Look, I have your application
right here.

It just came back.

And congratulations,
it's been approved.

I'll go cut the check.

Yeah, and while you do that,
could you get me a cappuccino?

Yes, sir.
Yeah, but I'd like it with one

sugar.

Alright, Slasher, chairman of
the board.

Would you guys like a
cappuccino?

Yeah.

Three cappuccinos.

And put an umbrella in mine.

And hurry.

Alright, men. Looking good.
If everything goes as planned,

we'll be moving into our
permanent world headquarters

in just a few weeks.

Hey, JT. You know,
I've been thinking.

Since you're taking Cody's
business big time,

you're going to need
an accountant.

That's a good point.
Where can I find one?

Tah dah.

You know something? You're a
pushy little weasel.

But, I like that in an
accountant. You're hired.

Take a look at our budget.

Major problemo.

You're paying yourself way too
much money.

Either you take a pay cut or you

find a way to down size the
company.

Okay. Well, how's this for
down sizing?

You're fired.

Don't I get a warning?

Yeah, get out of my sight before

I hit you in the head with
a wrench.

Fair enough.

Hogs galore.

Hey, what's shakin', dudes?

Cody, I'm glad you're back.
I want you to meet the guys.

This is Garth, Billy and Dave.

Garth, Billy, Dave.
Who are they?

They're the mechanics.

Then who am I?

You're the President, Chief
Executive and

Chairman of the Board.

John Thomas, can I have a board
meeting with you over at the

executive picnic table, please?

Now, I don't want to tell
you how to run my business,

but, I thought I'd be the
mechanic.

Number one, I like working on
motorcycles.

And number two, we can't afford
to pay these guys.

I mean, do the math, cuz.

You split nine bucks five ways,
give Uncle Sam his, what you got

left is snow cone money.

Cody, you're not charging nine
bucks anymore.

Here's the new price list.

Eighty bucks for a tune up?

A hundred and twenty bucks for a
brake job?

Two hundred fifty bucks for a
new clutch?

Dude, these prices are
way too high.

Cody, it's what all the other
repair guys in town are charging

And do you know why?

Yeah, because they're ripping
people off.

No, because that's what it costs
to run a successful shop.

You know what happens if you

charge less than all the other
repair guys?

You'll put them out of business.

Then they can't afford to
remodel their houses,

so my dad's out of work.

Then their wives can't afford to
go to the beauty parlor,

so Carol's out of work.

And before you know it, the
whole economy of Port Washington

goes down the toilet, and
it's all your fault.

Wow, I'd be like that Mr. Potter
dude in "It's a Wonderful Life."

It'd be like stealing money from
Uncle Billy.

And then George would jump into
the river and then Donna Reed

would never get her own TV show.

Cody, this is America.

It is your patriotic duty to
charge outrageous prices.

Wow. That's a lot of pressure.

No wonder Uncle Billy almost
lost his mind.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, JT. Say, how's the
business coming?

It's great. Cody and I are
making a fortune.

You know, son, making a lot of
money is a big responsibility.

Dad, Dad, I know it's a big
responsibility.

And, I just want you to know
that when you're an old geezer,

drooling on yourself and eating
baby food,

I'm taking care of you.

I'm sticking you in the best
nursing home money can buy.

Who loves ya'?

Hey, JT. Dad, you've got a
big problem.

I know, but he's my son and
I have to keep him.

Not that.

Carol bought you a tape deck
that cost a hundred bucks.

A hundred bucks?
How do you know that?

Hey, you listen at the heating
vent long enough,

you find out all kinds of stuff.

You weren't listening at the
heating vent

last night about eleven thirty,
were you?

Yeah. Were you guys watching
a rodeo?

Yeah, I'll turn it down next
time, okay?

But now, I gotta go to the store
to get a better gift for Carol.

Hey, listen, if you see Carol,
don't mention the rodeo?

Cody.

Cody, what's the matter?

I guess you're one of those
dudes

that don't listen
to the lyrics?

No, I got that much.

I just would like to know what
you got the blues about?

Well, I know JT and I are making
money and everything, but

I miss working on the
motorcycles myself.

To me, fixing a bike is just
like being an artist, you know?

I mean, Rembrandt didn't tell
somebody, "Hey, see those Dutch

guys over there? Go paint their
picture," you know?

Well, I'm an artist, too.
At least I used to be.

Cody, if you're not happy, why
don't you forget about the big

time and go back to working on
bikes yourself?

I can't do that to JT.
He's my partner.

Cody, let me explain something
to you here.

JT is not a partner,
he's a barnacle.

You've got the talent, you've
got the reputation,

you bring in the customers.

JT's just a bloodsucking
parasite along for the ride.

Yeah, but you gotta admit,
he's real good at it.

Listen, you just forget about
JT.

The only person you have to
take care of is you.

Thanks, Uncle Frank.

You're like a bridge over
troubled water.

You light up my life.

You're like the wind beneath
my wings.

Well, Cody, how sweet it is to
be loved by you.

So, tomorrow's our anniversary.

The day we exchange our gifts.
Are you ready?

Yeah. How about you?

I'm ready.

So, when do you want to exchange
gifts? At dinner?

Well, how about lunch?

How about breakfast?

How about now?

You're on!

Here you go, Frank.
Happy anniversary.

A Vince Lombardi football?

Autographed.

This must've cost you a fortune.

One sixty-seven fifty, plus tax.

I knew you'd do this.
I knew you'd cheat.

I knew that you would spend
more than you were supposed to.

But you know what?
You didn't spend enough.

Happy anniversary.

You cheated, didn't you?

Like you didn't cheat.

Well, I only cheated because you
cheated, you cheater.

Diamond earrings?

Frank, you are so low.

You bet I am. Those babies set
me back two hundred bucks. Two!

I suppose that's your way of
showing you love me,

by buying me a really
expensive gift?

That's right! I love you!
So stick that in your pipe
and smoke it!

Well, I love you just as much,
mister.

And I am going to prove it.

Okay, here we go.

Ten, twenty, thirty, thirty-one,
thirty-two.

There, we're even. In fact, I
will even throw in another buck.

Ha! I win.

Yeah, who is it?

It's Brendan. Are you guys
having a fight?

No, we're exchanging gifts.

Good. I have a gift for you
guys, too.

It's an anniversary card.

Thanks, pal.

I hope it's okay. I didn't have
any money, so I made it myself.

Gee. Brendan, it's so
beautiful. Thank you.

You know, it's not how much
a gift costs.

It's the thought that counts.

Yeah, that's right, son.
And it's terrific. Thank you.

Carol, I'm sorry. I've been a
real jerk here.

Me, too. I am so sorry.
I love the earrings.

They're beautiful.

Yeah, the football is Wonderful.

I love you.

Ew, yuck

Cody, I don't understand you.
We could've been rich.

We could've had babes.

We could've been driving a
Maserati.

We could've had babes.
We could've had a yacht.

We could've had babes.

Dude, there's more to life than
just money.

I know, there's babes.

Cuz, you know what your
problem is?

Yeah, I don't have any babes!

Dude, you gotta find yourself
an activity.

You know, something to burn off
some

of that hormonal energy you got.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Maybe I'll join a gym.

I hear that's a good place to
meet babes.